Better Off Ted (2009) s02e05 Episode Script

Since I spend most of my day at work, it's natural relationships start to form.
But some of them can be tricky to navigate.
Gosh, Ted.
It's like you were poured into that suit.
And part of me is still hardening.
See, that would've been the wrong thing to say.
Thank you, Erica.
I value and respect you as a gender-neutral colleague.
I may have overcorrected, but it's important I always keep things professional at the office, with one exception.
Hey, sweetie.
Wanna wrestle? I'm taking you down, old man.
Since Rose started coming to Veridian's after-care, - my coffee breaks include much more roughhousing.
- Ted Muss up his hair.
It's the source of all his power.
What? No! Oh, no! Not the hair! Now smash him with a phone.
Why will nobody in this building ever smash anyone th a phone? - What do you need, Veronica? - We have a problem.
It's about sexual Uh sexual h-a-r-ass-ment.
Hmm.
Well, I appreciate you not letting my daughter hear the "har" part of that, but why don't we talk about this later? And by the way, I'm Never show your hand, sweetie.
Always let the enemy underestimate you.
Then when their guard's down, smash 'em with a phone.
We're having a problem with some of those people who live in the cubicles.
No, they don't live in the you know what? I'm not gonna explain this to you again.
One of the drones accused another drone - of sexual harassment.
- Again? That's the third time that's happened to us this year.
I know.
Legal won't tell me who the sleaze-hound is.
But upstairs is very unhappy with me.
Our whole department looks like a guy at a bus station - wearing a raincoat.
- We are not sleazy.
Our department is more like a hard-working squirrel stuffing his nuts in Wait.
We're more like a hard-working beaver ah, I'm not gonna land this metaphor.
Let me just go talk to the people in the cubicles, find out what's going on.
And get them to stop coming on to each other.
It mighht be as simple as improving the lighting out there.
I just heard they're forcing Chumley into retirement.
That's crazy.
He's the best chemical spill technician we've ever had.
Is he gone yet? Let's trigger the floor sensors and see if he comes.
You know, you could've used water.
As opposed to that beaker of bald eagle stem cells I've been painstakingly gathering for the last two years.
Sorry.
You should label things.
Chumley's so great.
He's the only one in the office who's always smiling.
When he looks at you with those little blue lights, it's like you're the only one in the world.
What's gonna happen to him? Don't worry.
Ted told me Veridian has a place where retired robots get to run and play with other robots.
- It's called the technology farm.
- Ah.
God, that sounds great.
Like the place my mom sent my dog - after he crapped in her purse.
- I got an alert from the floor sensors - there's a spill.
- Who are you? I'm Carlos.
New spill technician.
Apparently I'm cheaper and require less maintenance than your little sucky robot.
My God.
What kind of a sick world are we living in, where machines can be so easily cast aside for people? Hey.
So if you had to guess who in our department was being accused of sexual harassment, - who would you say? - If I had to guess, I would say that Keith guy, because he's kinda creepy.
But since I know it's me, I'm gonna say me - because I want to win this game.
- You? You sexually harassed somebody? It was a stupid misunderstanding.
Sheila, is everything all right? No, it's not.
My cat died.
Oh, no.
Senior noodlebaum? No, that's Debbie's cat.
She's an idiot.
My cat was named meow is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.
I just called him meow.
But meow he's dead.
He loved puns.
I'm so sorry, Sheila.
You look like you could use a hug.
Oh, that's okay, Linda.
I'm not really a physically affectionate kind of person.
Don't be such a tough guy.
Everyone needs a hug sometimes.
See? Doesn't this feel good? We call this a midwestern handshake.
That doesn't sound so sexual.
It was just a hug that drifted boobwardly.
Apparently, later I got, as Sheila's complaint says, "more molest-y.
" Linda, what are you doing? I've been thinking about you all day.
Ooh, man.
You're tense.
Linda, I Relax, Sheila.
Don't fight it.
- "Don't fight it"? - Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it, - Mr.
"Never accidentally fondled anyone"? - I don't think the words "don't fight it" have ever been used where someone isn't being sexually harassed.
What am I gonna do? I could lose my job over this.
All right, I'll go talk to Sheila and straighten it out.
In the meantime, try to act like a gentleman.
Just remember, every woman here is someone's wife or daughter.
I realize it was a little awkward, but Linda was just trying to comfort you.
Well, it wasn't comforting to me.
No, I get that.
But it was just a misunderstanding.
See, you haven't worked here that long, and you don't know Linda.
If you did, you'd know how clumsy and accidentally predatory she can be.
You two should really get to know each other, get better acquainted.
You want Linda and me to get better acquainted? Sure.
Maybe go out sometime after work, have some fun.
I could come, too, if you want.
All three of us could do it.
Oh, I don't think that would be a good idea.
Oh, come on, Sheila.
Don't fight it.
Oh, wait.
"Don't fight it"? You'd be surprised how easily that phrase just slides right outta you.
Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome.
Veronica, I work full-time and I have an I don't even have the energy for a one-some.
This is crazy.
- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- No, you're not.
Now I know it's against your nature to sit idly by while Gotham is in peril, - but you have to sit this one out.
I'll take care of it.
- But Ted, as a very stupid man once said, "don't fight it.
" - Ted.
- Ted.
They took our robot vacuum to transportation, - but they forgot his extra battery pack.
- We want to get it to him before he leaves for the farm.
Righ the farm.
Here, I'll make sure he gets it.
We'll give it to him.
So if you could tell us where it is, because the guys in transportation said there is no farm.
Jerks.
- There is a farm, right? - Right, Ted? - Right? There's a farm, Ted.
- Tell us there's a farm.
- There's a farm.
There's a farm.
There's a farm.
There's a farm.
- Ah, fellas No! Where did they take him, you son of a bitch?! I mean my immediate superior! Guys, I'm sorry.
I was trying to protect you from this, but Well, the truth is, when robots are no longer needed, they're sent down to the subbasement to be broken down and used for parts.
I think I'm going to be sick.
I feel like my heart has been kicked in the testicles.
Hello.
I'd like to talk to the lawyer in charge of employee sexual harassment.
That would be Mr.
Thomas, and he's not here.
- Will he be back soon? - That depends on his willingness to accept the things he cannot change wait.
His willingness to change what he accepts No.
The wisdom I don't know.
He's a drunk.
He's in rehab again.
Well, it's nice how you honor his struggle.
He does this five times a year, but the company can't fire him because he has a disease.
He also has a disease? Poor drunk.
No, that's his disease.
He's an alcoholic.
And as long as he's in treatment, the company can't touch him.
The next day, Veronica made a startling announcement.
Great news.
You both have a disease.
You would be a terrible doctor.
I convinced the company to classify sexual harassment as a disease.
Thatay, anyone accused of it can't be fired or punished in any way.
I don't want a sex disease, especially one - that's assigned to me by my supervisor.
- Nonsense.
The company loved the idea.
Now it can't be sued because the harasser isn't responsible for his or Linda's actions.
Plus, several of the executives have their own grope-y, squeezy, unzippy problems, and now their jobs are safe, too.
This is ridiculous.
I didn't do anything.
- I don't have a disease.
- Ted, I'm a hero upstairs.
Don't ruin this for me.
All you two have to do is Is go to harassment seminars.
We have to go to harassment seminars? I have a daughter.
I speak evasive mumble.
Just until you learn how to control your perverse impulses.
I am not going to any harassment seminar.
- No, I am gonna fight these charges.
- Yeah, me, too.
I don't like other ladies' breasts.
Some days, I don't even like my own breasts.
- Although mostly, they're awesome.
- Well, you'll get no argument from me.
And you two don't think you need a seminar.
Look, if you fight this and lose, you could be fired.
I don't want to lose this job.
What am I supposed to do, go back to Wisconsin and work in the cheese mines? After I made that big speech, threw down my cheese shovel - and stormed out? - All you have to do is complete the stupid seminar, and the whole thing will be expunged from your records.
And you'll get a keepsake-quality seminar diploma also my idea.
I was on fire up there.
Look at this place.
All these innocent machines hacked to pieces.
It's like "the Texas chainsaw massacre" if somebody massacred the chainsaws.
Chumley.
Oh! Look at him.
They've ripped the DC Solenoids from his relay module as if he were some sort of animal.
We can put him back together.
I fixed my marriage with mechanical attachments.
I can fix this.
I'm Denise, your sexual harassment educator.
And you are the deviants.
So let's meet each other, shall we? Ted, why are you here? Because Sheila's cat died, this one got grabby, and some of the nonsense splattered on me.
Bottom line I am not a harasser.
- Neither am I.
- Yeah, I don't belong here either.
Although I would be open to some private tutoring.
I'm innocent, too.
I just tripped and grabbed some chick's boobs to keep from falling.
- Plus, she wanted it.
- Is there any way I can complete this course over the Internet? Of course you all think you're innocent.
- That's part of the disease.
- No, I don't have a disease.
- That's another part of the disease.
- Ted's really not a harasser.
If anything, he's too repressed.
Well, you are.
Okay, well, that makes perfect sense.
Ted, you sexually harass women because your emotions are so bottled up.
They explode inappropriately.
Okay, how do I convince you that I am ready to graduate from this league of extraordinarily perverted gentlemen? Well, you'll have to prove you can express your emotions more honestly.
Use, um, "I" statements, like "I feel sad" or "I feel angry.
" Well, if that gets me outta here, - then I feel like I can do that.
- That doesn't sound very emotionally honest to me, Ted.
It really doesn't.
Ne.
I am going to be so emotionally honest, I could have my own daytime talk show.
"Ted!" with an exclamation point.
No band, no cooking segments.
Just me and the topic wheel.
And, yes, I have thought about this before.
And, yes, I am taking this seriously.
While Linda and I were suffering through sexual harassment class, Veronica was discovering her new policy was having an unexpected effect.
Once people realized they couldn't be fired for harassment, they started to take chances - and flirt more.
- I'm a genius, Ted.
My bosses are happy, the cubicle smurfs are happy, and the sexual tension between the janitors - has finally been resolved.
- No, not everyone's happy.
I have to get all open and girlie with my coworkers because some crystal-worshipping feelings-hound thinks I'm repressed.
Pshew.
Pshew.
Pshew.
Pshew.
- What are you doing? - That's the sound of me deflecting your whiny bitching with my happiness shield.
Hey.
It's the girl from my seminar.
I've been thinking about you.
- Well, don't.
- Fine.
Let's keep it professional.
I'll give you 50 bucks to show me your boobs.
- $10 if you just say the word "boobs.
" - Really? $10 just to say Hey, wait a minute.
That's gross.
Our goofball teacher was right.
What you're doing right now isn't about sex.
It's about power.
How about if I did that to you? - I'll give you $10 to say boobs.
- Boobs.
Okay, that wasn't good.
How about this? Your junk has been neglected for so long, that if someone called social services, - they'd take it away.
- They would not.
Hey! I hurt your feelings? So what else we got here? Let's keep working the junk.
That looks like one package I'd be disappointed to open Christmas morning.
That's right.
Because it's undesirable.
It's the saddest, loneliest inch in the whole world.
It is not! You're mean.
I'm gonna report you.
Go ahead.
I can say whatever I want.
I have a disease.
Oh, yeah.
Mama's gonna have fun with this.
That's the last piece.
This must be how Dr.
Frankenstein felt and that creepy scientist on the fourth floor who tried to build a wife - out of mannequin parts and chicken skin.
- Yeah.
That was awkward at the Christmas party when we had to pretend she didn't smell like chicken.
Let's test him.
Mmm.
He is back and suckier than ever! What's he doing here? This is my floor now.
Don't you get it? It's not about machines anymore.
Now it's about guys with mops.
Don't worry, Chumley.
He's just jealous because your smile is permanent and his only comes when he's happy.
Aah! He peed coffee in my face from his mouth! Anyway, Steve, I just want you to know that you keeping things so clean makes me feel like I'm, uh, cared for.
Thanks, Ted.
I I really appreciate that.
But, uh you know I'm with Willy now.
Oh, that's right.
I heard.
So anyway, uh, speaking of gay, would you mind signing this form saying I was emotionally expressive? While I was wiping down the office with my emotions, Veronica was realizing her genius idea had one fatal flaw.
It was stupid.
Thanks, guys.
I feel appreciative - and I'm happy that - You promised you would stop talking like that if we signed your form.
Right.
So what do you need? We found Chumley and reassembled him, - but something's different.
- He came back wrong.
We need to have access to the robotics lab so we can replace his diflossoroid dual-cacheing processor - Or insides.
- Guys, it's a shop-vac.
You gotta let it go.
He's more than just a shop-vac.
He's got lights where his eyes would be and a smile where we drew it.
If your friend Ryan seacrest was sick, - you wouldn't turn your back on him.
- I'm not friends with Ryan seacrest.
- Really? We always thought you guys were friends.
- No.
- But I always kinda picture you two playing volleyball together.
- No.
Another loss.
- Oh! - Oh! I'm sorry.
- Uh, I feel sorry that I walked into you.
- No, it was my fault.
Mr.
Stewart took a bunch of us girls to lunch.
I had four glasses of wine and a chocolate souffle, which was yummy.
You're yummy.
My underwear is in my purse right now.
I feel, uh, happy that you think I'm yummy.
But also sad that if I do anything about it, I will have to spend the rest of my life in harassment seminars.
Isn't it funny how the word "harassment" has "her ass" in it? Do you know what else could have her ass in it? You.
I can't quite picture that, but I feel like I must leave.
Everyone's taking advantage of the new policy, Ted.
It's like mating season out there all hands and tongues and sweat and grinding.
- It's kinda hot, actually.
- I know.
A beautiful woman just called me yummy.
- I like being called yummy.
- You are yummy.
So are you.
And since I have to be emotionally honest, I want to take off my underwear right now - and put it in your purse.
- I don't know what that means, you sick, sexy bastard, but it's flipping my switches.
Ugh.
Wait.
What are we doing? We're like everyone else around here, acting like horny idiots.
God, my policy is a disaster.
I'm a terrible executive.
No, you are not.
Y you're one of the best executives ever.
You're as good as Steve Jobs or Lee Iacocca or - Field Marshal Rommel? - Okay.
He was a brilliant tactician who looked magnificent in jodhpurs.
- Now I'm picturing you in jodhpurs.
- So am I, and I'll bet Rommel didn't wear a thong underneath his.
- Oh, I'd really like to see that.
- What a happy coincidence.
It's in the mood for receiving guests.
Hi, daddy.
It's my snack break.
Oh, hi, Veronica.
Hello, Rose.
Ted.
Hello, Veronica.
Rose.
You guys are acting weird.
In ten years, honey, you'll look back on this moment and think, oh! Sheila, I can't find my budget report.
Do you know where Oh, there's a spider.
It's coming right down on you.
Where? Hold still.
I'll get it.
What are you doing? Ow! Oh! What the hell? I can't help it.
I have a disease.
- Honk! Honk! - Hey, quit it.
Wow.
You must be, like, That isn't harassment.
Harassment is supposed to be sexy.
You're not even doing it right.
Wow.
Thanks, Linda.
Listen, recently I've been very fortunate to spend te with some major perverts.
And it's made me realize, I should've respected your boundaries.
Oh, that's okay.
I may have overreacted.
Shh.
Did you hear that? Somewhere a butt is being smacked against its will A feel is being copped, a well-endowed woman is being asked if she gives fries with that shake, and so that is where I am needed.
Impressed by Linda's heroism, Sheila decided to drop the charges against us.
I don't care what Ted says.
We have to do whatever it takes to get Chumley well.
I agree.
Hey, Chumley.
Ow! Aah! Ow! It's attacking my foot! Kill it! - Stab it in the brain! - Don't ask me to choose between the two of you! Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ultimately, I would've chosen you.
And I'm not just saying that becae you're the one who survived.
And I choose to believe that.
Boy, bringing things back from the dead never goes smoothly.
Thank you, Carlos.
I'm just a man with a mop.
That's what we do.
Phil and Lem finally realized they'd also been having an inappropriate relationship with a coworker.
As for the other inappropriate relationships, well, thanks to Rose walking in on us, Veronica and I figured out a way to end those, too.
Uh, here it comes the parade of children.
Nothing kills sex drive faster than having kids around.
After-care agreed to March them through at random times for exercise.
Children they have so many uses.
They're like adorable swiss army knives.
Although they can't open wine worth a damn.
Listen, Veronica, about what happened in my office Ah, forget it, Ted.
There was too much sex in the air.
But we're like Rommel and Patton.
We respect and are even attracted to each other, but if we ever got together, it would be a bloodbath.
Although feel free to look at my ass as I walk away.
It's having a spectacular day.
Wow.
She's having a great ass day.
Yeah, that's what the parade's about.
That's for staring at her butt.
The's a new sheriff in town.
Maybe sometimes I do keep my emotions bottled up inside.
Maybe that's okay, especially at work.
What's important is, I let them out when it counts.
Hey.
Huh! Bring it, old man!