Bewitched (1964) s02e05 Episode Script

I'm so sorry I'm late, but I ran into a slight headwind on my way back from Paris.
- Oh, Samantha, the table looks lovely.
- Thank you, Mother.
- Hi, Mom.
- How are you, Darrin? - Darrin? - The name is unfamiliar to you? No, but I thought it was unfamiliar to you.
I'll make an agreement with you.
I'll try to remember your name if you promise never to call me "Mom.
" Why don't you open the wine, dear.
May I be of assistance? - Mother.
- Yes? Darrin can handle it very well by himself.
- I thought you agreed to be pleasant.
- Now, don't look at me.
I find your practical joke vastly unamusing.
My practical joke?! If you think I had anything to do with this, you flipped your cork.
Come now.
Come now, you two.
It must have been a slip-up at the bottling plant or something.
What's in the box? A little something I brought for dessert.
I bought it in Paris this afternoon.
Mother, I didn't know Maxim's had a catering service.
Really, Samantha! What's got into you? - Well, Mother, I didn't do anything.
- Don't try to pin this on Sam.
It's perfectly obvious to me who the practical joker is.
Oh, how dare you? I would never debase my abilities to do anything - Mother.
- What? - Practical joker.
- Well, I fail to see what Oh, no! Uncle Arthur.
Uncle Arthur? Are you in there? Sam.
Sam, what's going on? - I'll explain to you in a moment.
- The serving dish.
I bet you're right.
Got you now, Uncle Arthur.
Forgive me for not rising, but I'm up to my neck in work.
Darrin, say hello to Uncle Arthur.
That's all I need, a practical-joking warlock.
I'm sorry.
I suppose I should've told you about Uncle Arthur, but Well, he's sort of the black sheep of the family.
I can understand why.
Now, I love him, despite his practical jokes.
He's my favourite uncle.
Do you know, when I was little, he taught me to make my first pony? Honey, I don't care.
I don't want He what? I was only 4.
I couldn't get the spell right.
I remember I got one horseshoe and the saddle, but I just couldn't Sam.
What are we gonna do about him? Try and put up with his bad jokes and be nice to him.
Please.
Then I spent the summer hunting lions with a British expedition.
One morning I shot a lion in my pyjamas.
Now, what he was doing in my pyjamas, I'll never know.
- Cream, Darrin? - Yes, please.
Help yourself.
Forgive me.
I just can't help milking a joke.
I really break you up, don't I? Oh, don't be a party poop.
You got it, didn't you, Darrin? Your brand of low comedy always did appeal to adolescent mentality.
- Mother! What do you mean, "adolescent mentality"? - I think it's fairly obvious.
- Now just a minute.
- I don't see - Mother, why don't you try the dessert.
- It's simply delicious.
- Thank you, dear.
- I got you that time.
- You certainly did.
Uncle Arthur, how could you? Oh, Mother.
Darrin.
Darrin, get a towel.
It isn't funny.
Honey, I can't help it.
After all, I have an adolescent mentality.
So you have.
And you may as well look the part.
Now then, Ringo.
Laugh your head off! Endora, come back! Sam, make her come back.
You shouldn't have made fun of her, Darrin.
- Mother's very sensitive.
- She's sensitive? You promised to make an effort.
Endora gives you a real hard time, huh? In a word, yes.
Well, she always was a bit of a stick in the mud.
You gotta stand up to her, young fella.
No, thanks.
I have no desire to be turned into a toad.
There's another way to stop her.
I'll teach you a little magic of your own.
No, no, Arthur.
I'm mortal.
Well, nobody's perfect, Darrin.
Besides, down through history, many fine people have been humans.
Look, I just meant I can't perform magic.
Sure you can.
Nothing fancy, of course but enough to give her a jolt the next time she gets a little nasty.
No, thanks.
There's enough witchcraft in the family as it is.
No offence.
Please, let me teach you one little trick.
I'm very good with novices.
No, Arthur.
You see, Sam and I have an agreement.
No witchcraft.
We're going to live like normal people.
Your mother-in-law just turned you into Prince Valiant.
That's normal living? I will not stoop to her methods.
We're going to cope with our problems my way.
Well, while you're at the barber shop, you better think it over, fella.
No, Arthur.
Absolutely no.
No witchcraft.
Enjoy your trip? - Arthur.
- Did you reconsider? Look, once and for all, no magic lessons.
- Now stop bothering me! - Well, if at first you don't succeed nag, nag, nag.
Miss Grant, please send the Foster layout down to the conference room.
Yes, sir.
And Mrs.
Stephens is on three.
Oh, thank you.
Hello, honey.
I can't talk long.
I have a presentation to make.
Now, this won't take long, Darrin.
Mother is here.
I just thought it might be a nice idea if you said a few words to her.
He won't apologize.
He still hasn't learned his lesson.
I heard that.
You can tell her I'm not a child who has to be taught a lesson.
And what's more, you can tell her that I can take anything she can dish out.
Better let me help you.
Talking to Endora that way is just asking for trouble.
Well, I can face any trouble she can give me like a man, not like a witch.
And will you please let me cope with things in my own way? Who were you talking to? The window washer.
Are you feeling okay? Sure, fine.
Let's go.
Not exactly Jack Be Nimble today, are you? I'll be fine if you'll just take this off my foot.
Thanks, Larry.
That should give you a general idea of our approach to your campaign.
Well, Stephens, I like it.
It feels bright, contemporary.
But I'm not clear on the television aspect of this thing.
It's very simple.
Our commercials will stress the utility of the EZ-Open Door.
Our model housewife will return from shopping her arms loaded with groceries, and with just a touch of her finger Just a slight What is it? - It won't open.
- Of course it will.
What's the matter with you? Anyone would think you're jinxed.
Jinxed.
Endora! - What? - Never mind.
You keep working.
I'll keep talking.
Mr.
Foster, let me digress for a moment.
I would like you to re-examine the marketing figures.
- As you can see on this chart, we - Got it! She's not gonna get away with it.
She's not going to ruin my life.
Offer's still good.
One shot, and you're the master of your own fate.
Come on.
Just one little spell.
That's all you need.
All right, I'll do it.
When do we start? You've already started.
Now, the spell consists of two components.
First, the incantation.
It's in longhand.
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
You said the spell had two components.
Correct.
The incantation, which you have and these.
A cowbell and a duck call? Are you putting me on? Try to understand, Darrin.
You're only a mortal.
No offence.
But I don't see how a cowbell and a duck call is going to Darrin, for a mortal to work magic, he needs a little reinforcement.
In this case, it's sound effects.
You use the bell and the duck call at the end of each phrase of the incantation.
It's all marked out for you.
Go ahead, try it.
Don't be shy.
No, no.
Only, Darrin, you chant it.
Remember, it's an incantation.
I'll do it for you.
Now you try it.
- You're not listening.
- I'm not listening? No I'm sorry.
I'll play it for you.
Now, you try.
That's right.
Now once more.
Wait, hold Wait.
Hold it.
Wait a minute! Now, I never heard Sam or Endora or you ever say anything like that.
My dear boy, we don't have to say anything.
- We have the power.
- Even Aunt Clara doesn't use Look, I don't tell you about advertising so don't tell me about witchcraft, please.
- Fine.
- I hope so.
All right, once again.
And now, we'll add just a little movement.
- Cowbell.
- Cowbell.
Duck call.
That's it.
Once more.
Mother, I want you to be gracious about this.
I think it's very big of Darrin to apologize to you after all you've done to him.
What have I done to him? If you'd like me to start at the beginning on our wedding night, you put him in the hotel lobby in his pyjamas.
- Then - I mean recently.
- How recently? - Well, we won't go into that.
Oh, now, Mother.
You must've done something.
Darrin hasn't been himself all day.
Oh, how fortunate for you.
- Mother.
- Well, all right.
All right.
If he's willing to admit that his behaviour has been atrocious I guess I can forgive and forget.
You really think I can make this spell work? I guarantee it.
You're easily the most talented mortal pupil I've ever had.
Now get in there and yaga-zoozie.
You're right.
The minute she opens her mouth to make one nasty remark I'm gonna let her have it.
- You're not coming in? - Oh, I better not.
If Endora even suspected that I've been training you she'd nullify the spell even before you got started.
- I guess you're right.
- I'll be in here rooting for you, kid.
Here we go.
- Good evening, Endora.
- Hello, Dexter.
Darrin.
The name is Darrin.
I distinctly heard something jingle.
Did you now? I heard it again.
So did I.
Never mind.
It's probably the rattling of someone's adolescent mentality.
Darrin, you said you'd apologize.
Oh, and I will, sweetheart.
From now on, no more Mr.
Nice Guy.
- All right, that's it! You've asked for it.
- Darrin.
Sam, it's time your mother and I had this out.
- You've victimized me for the last time.
- Be careful, Tinker Bell.
Or what? You'll do what, huh? You'll do what? Oh, you heard a jingle, huh? Well, would you like to see it? Well, I have it right here.
There.
How's that? And that's not all.
How about this? - How do you like that? - You want a musical critique? You're never gonna laugh at me again.
Darrin, what are you doing? You said Don't try to stop me, Sam.
She's been asking for this for a long time.
Mother, have you been asking for that? No, but I rather like it.
It swings.
Zoozie high! Zoozie low! Darrin, what's wrong? - You're supposed to vanish.
- But I don't want to vanish.
I want to stay and see what you're going to do for your next number.
I I shouldn't have listened to him.
I just shouldn't have listened to him.
I should never have listened to him.
Something's terribly wrong.
Darrin? And he went for it all the way.
Uncle Arthur.
Did you have something to do with the way Darrin acted? Best Best joke I ever pulled.
Taught him magic spell.
With cowbells.
Didn't that break you up? No, Uncle Arthur, it didn't.
I'll kill him! That's what I'll do! I'll kill him! For once, I'm in sympathy with you but you'd never get away with it.
He plotted the whole thing, and I was fool enough to fall for it.
The chair, the door, the wastebasket! I'll kill him with my bare hands! I think I have a more practical solution.
- Poison? - Yeah, yeah.
You'll have to help, Mother.
We're going to cure Uncle Arthur of his practical jokes once and for all.
You mean, you're willing to try it again? Yes.
When the spell didn't work the first time I went upstairs and practiced.
And suddenly I felt Well, I felt this power.
I know I can make the spell work this time.
Oh, that's crackerjack.
When Endora walks in, let her have it again.
Oh, stop it, Uncle Arthur.
Tell Darrin the truth.
Admit you can't teach witchcraft to a mortal.
Samantha, please.
Do you want to destroy this boy's confidence? Ignore her.
It's all right, sweetheart.
I've got the power.
I can feel it in here.
Kid, you've got a lot of heart.
Well, well, well.
Hello, Dexter.
Back for an encore, eh? Enjoy your moment, Endora.
I'm through toying with you.
This is it.
- Oh, Darrin, not again.
- Stand aside.
I have the power now.
Prepare yourself, Endora.
I'm going to turn you into a parrot.
Oh, a parrot.
This is splendid.
He did it.
He did Did it? But he can't.
You can't.
I mean, you couldn't.
I mean I mean, just don't stand there like a ninny! Bring back Endora! Make him bring her back, Sammie, before this gets serious.
Well, it is serious.
Darrin cast a spell and only he can remove it.
But he can't, because he doesn't know how.
Oh, Uncle Arthur, because of your practical jokes, Mother's a bird.
Hello, Durwood.
Hello, Dexter.
Darrin, you don't realize what you've done.
Endora can stay inside that parrot forever unless you bring her back immediately.
I don't see what you're so concerned about.
- You don't like her either.
- Of course I like her.
I love her! Love her.
Love that parrot.
Oh, it's pathetic.
I don't get it.
You said yourself she was an interfering Oh, never mind what I said.
She's family.
Now please bring her back.
Please? Hold tight, Endora.
I won't let this happen to you.
Now bring her back.
- Will you help, Uncle Arthur? - Of course.
Anything.
Anything.
Will you stop playing those dreadful jokes? Yes.
Any Endora! But you I didn't know you cared, Arthur.
It was all a joke.
Well, it's not very funny.
That's the point.
We had to do it, Uncle Arthur.
Okay, Sammie, I guess I had it coming.
No more practical jokes, eh, Arthur? I just went on the wagon two minutes ago.
A little going-away present.
Go ahead, open it.
Uncle Arthur, you wouldn't.
Oh, now, Sammie, how could you think such a thing? No, you taught me my lesson last night.
No more jokes.
I'm a changed warlock.
Oh, Uncle Arthur, it's beautiful! Thank you.
Please, no emotion.
I cry easily.
Darrin.
Oh, golf balls.
Well, thank you, Arthur.
I can always use these.
Didn't forget you, Endora.
Arthur.
You shouldn't have.
It wasn't necessary to get me a gift.
No, I wanted to give you something to remember me by.
Opera glasses.
Oh, Arthur! - Oh, they're just exquisite.
- They're darling.
I can hardly wait to use them at La Scala.
Uncle Arthur, you promised you wouldn't.
I know.
I lied.
Okay, so I'll taper off.