Big Boys (2022) s02e05 Episode Script

1
NARRATOR: You once told me
about your summer as
a Magaluf holiday rep.
The tour operator asked
everyone to do a Rosetta Stone,
but you were skint, so you did
a key stage three Spanish course
on BBC Bitesize.
Oh, OK, I got one. I know it.
Right, nada del relaciones sexuales
en el banera de hidromasaje.
Uh, no shagging in the jacuzzi.
Yes!
[HE LAUGHS]
So, apparently, most of the
lolidaygoers are, like,
they all speak English.
But every now and again, you know,
you get, like, a little
whippersnapper from inland Spain
who just comes and spunks
in the hot tub, so.
[HE LAUGHS]
What are those?
It's my liquids.
[HE CHUCKLES]
What? It says measure out your
liquids to 100ml
and put them in bags.
You have You have to put them
in bags.
He's got a bag of shampoo.
A poo bag!
You have to
put your liquids in bags.
[THEY LAUGH]
Honestly, anyone would think
you've never been abroad.
NARRATOR: You hadn't.
You'd never even flown before.
That summer of work lasted
six months.
And the whole time everyone
called you Poo Bag.
So, at the end of second year,
for our uni work experience week,
you made sure yours was somewhere
you'd properly fit in.
Well, ever since the, um, the two or
three, or 17, or so, students left
for Isis, I've been wanting to
create positive content about how,
you know, Brent Uni harnesses potential.
I mean, how do you
know I ain't going to leave?
Terrorism isn't funny, Danny.
It's a pain in my arse. Sorry.
OK, so where are you going
for work experience?
I am going to the home of
top-quality bants,
online lads' mag, Nice One Mate.
Bosh!
I'm going to Koolio Radio's
youth issues phone-in show
Help! Lol, I'm a Teenager.
I'm going to the ethically
conscious, activism-led content
creation agency Bloom Flower to help
facilitate the generation of newly
manifested ideas
empowered by social justice causes.
[SHE YAWNS]
Oh, sorry
Yeah, I forgot you're not. What?
They sent an email saying
Bloom Flower have ceased operations
to engage in a meaningful
period of self-reflection
regarding our carbon footprint.
Oh, fuck off.
Where am I supposed to go
for a week?
Oh, my God. This is incredible.
This is horrendous.
Oh, come on, we'll get you through.
I can't believe I'm in for a week
of banter about Michelle Keegan's
fucking arse.
I know, it's great.
MUSIC: Chelsea Dagger
by The Fratellis
#M
NARRATOR: Nice One Mate
took on interns as free labour.
The editor, Eddie, a 30-something
divorce whose breath even smelt
of cocaine, addressed everyone
as either bruv, buddy, pal, lad,
geezer, fella or
Broskis, listen the fuck up.
We have got some
new work experience in.
You all right, fella? Grab a Mac.
There's a drinks fridge in the shape
of a VW camper van out back.
Honestly, mate, it's fucking nutty
stuff, do you know what I mean?
Feel free to grab a beer,
by the way.
Um, just bung a quid
in the Pudsey Bear box.
Half the proceeds
go towards a good cause
like the Ayia Napa work weekend
trip away.
Shabba!
Sorry, am I invisible, or?
I guess so.
Now, our editorial interests include
pulling, nightlife, girls,
festivals, promo codes for Stone
Island jackets, Bitcoin
and girls.
This is so fucking lame.
And, yeah, just remember, we live
fast, work fast and die young.
RIP, Simmo.
He died doing what he loved,
you know?
Zorbing for 500 words and the
world's most dangerous stag dos.
Anyway, I call an editorial pitch
meeting on the hour, every hour.
Yeah? It's where one of you lot
will write up my fucking sick ideas.
Capiche?
Good stuff.
BRB, I'm off for a shit.
[HE CHUCKLES]
Shit
Hello. You must be Jack.
I'm producer Beth, and welcome
to Koolio Radio, where the music
and chat are too Koolio
a-for schoolio.
Do you always speak in that voice?
Soz. I forget when I'm not on air to
get rid of the intonation pattern.
Let's go!
You'll be sat here during the show,
manning calls and texts from young
listeners who want advice from our
fab duo, Bethy B and Dr Prateek.
Wait, you present the show as well?
I do now, mainly due to budget
cuts and the old presenter
was a paedophile.
So follow this script figuring
out if the calls or texts
are appropriate to be put on air.
OK. I'll be presenting and driving
the radio desk during the show.
OK, what if someone calls in
and they're like having a meltdown?
Mm there's a safeguarding file.
Terms and conditions apply.
If anyone's suicidal, please refer
them to the Koolio Radio website.
Sorry. Say that again.
Brill! We're live in 25.
Before I forget, I'm a soy flat
white. Dr Prateek's a green tea.
Watch out for prank calls and don't
put through a girl named Tamsin.
Hello.
Excuse me, hi.
Are there any other women here,
or is it just?
Babe, sit.
Take a seat right there.
OK, so we are the subeditors.
I'm Meryl.
I upload everything,
check it can't get sued.
And I also try and moderate
comments from tiny-dicked
men's rights activists.
Stick with us cos Eddie over there
only talks to blokes.
Ah, I'm leaving. I don't want to be
around misogyny disguised as banter.
Oh, OK, Germaine Greer,
but this is the real world, so.
Yeah.
Corinne, you need work experience
credits to pass second year of uni,
so get involved.
What, and?
Look, spend the week with us,
and you will do some of the most
challenging subediting
of your career.
And you'll learn how to win
against dickhead blokes like Eddie.
Now, come and help me
cut down this piece
on Michelle Keegan's arse.
[SHE EXHALES]
I can't believe she expects
us to call her that now.
Oh, don't be mean.
She's just got married.
Well, I, for one, will not
be calling her
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini -
I can't be dealing with that.
I can't believe you're due
in two weeks.
It feels like only yesterday
I was changing your nappy.
Well, I'll be
changing yours soon, Nan.
Oh, my God, Peggy,
Russell just liked your new prof
pic on Facey B. Oh.
We're going to the pub on Friday
after he's finished work.
What's he do?
He's a
He's a minicab driver.
Oh, look, it's just
a very casual first drink.
You'll actually have to make
your own dinner, Shannon.
What? No, I'm eating for three
at the moment, Peggy.
That's very tricky for me.
Why three?
So many mums in Take a Break go in
to have a baby and then, surprise,
surprise, they come out with two.
Oh. So, I'm not taking any chances.
And, listen, don't you be getting
loved-up too soon, because I need
you to help me raise this baby.
Which reminds me -
OK, I've drawn up a childcare rota
for the three of us.
OK? You can fuck off, love.
Are you my nan? Nans help!
It's all right.
We'll help a bit.
But can you please
get the father involved?
Fine. OK. Yeah, I'll text Tarik,
see if he wants to take me
for dinner on Friday.
I'm not cooking for four.
OK, we're live in three, two, one.
Hey, folks, it's me, Beth,
and today's topic is exam stress.
So if you're going bonky, bonky,
bonkers over your GCSEs, get calling
0207 946 zero, a-three, a-three,
a-three.
Hello, you're through to
Koolio Radio.
What's your name and issue today?
Hi, I'm Lucy, I hate revising and
I need some tips on how to do it.
Great, Lucy. I'll patch you through
to the studio now.
Hello, you're through to
Koolio Radio.
What's your name and issue today?
Tamsin.
Uh, I want to talk to Dr Prateek
cos my GP's always busy
and I've got really itchy tits.
Oh, right.
Um, well, sadly, we can't help
your itchy tits. I mean breasts.
Uh
Itchy tits.
Hello.
You're through to Koolio Radio.
What's your name and issue?
It's me, it's Jules.
Oh, Jules. I can't chat right now.
I just wondered how
it was all going.
Are you making friends?
Have you had lunch yet?
[DIAL TONE]
Good morning everybody.
OK, let's gather round.
Gather round.
Uh, first things first, OK,
last night I absolutely
walloped Dodsy here on Fifa, 5-0.
So you know what that means.
On the shitbox, Dodsy.
My name's Dodsy
and I'm a pathetic excuse for a man.
[THEY CHEER]
Remember, if I beat
any of you 5-0,
you have to publicly apologise
for letting mankind down.
Yeah?
Sit down, Dodsy. All right?
Today, some of my very good pals,
Kasabian, they're going to pop
into the office to do a Q&A
on Twitter. Yeah?
Dandruff, you on that?
Yes. Nice one.
So, new idea, OK?
Let's just go with this.
I want to do a short-form video
on somebody getting their bollocks
checked for cancerous lumps.
But, wait for it,
we're going to get
a page three model to do it.
[THEY CHEER]
Nah, just jokes.
It will actually have to be a fully
qualified nurse, unfortunately.
But the good news is, I will need
somebody to get their balls fondled.
So, uh, let's go with
you, Danny boy.
You'll be getting your tackle
out tomorrow. Yeah?
Yeah. Nice.
I'm going to need a video edit and
accompanying copy on my desk by six.
OK? Whatever. Nice one, mate.
Oh.
Fuckin' I crack myself up.
Unfortunately, you soon realise
that everyone at Nice One Mate
was a bit of a prick.
Oh, lads, she might have found
a tiny lump.
Oh, no, don't worry about it.
It's just Danny's left nut.
[THEY GUFFAW]
You're all good. Oh, cheers.
Uh, sorry about that.
Oh, brill.
Thank you, by the way, nurse.
Um, I just think it's always
good to raise awareness.
You know what I mean?
Well done, Ball Boy!
Well done, Ball Boy! Ball Boy.
Ball Boy. So clever!
I actually can't believe
he gone through with that.
Koolio Radio gang, how we doing? ♪
[AIR HORN]
Today's show theme is all
about losing your virginity.
So if you're worried about it,
give me and Dr Prateek a call.
In the meantime,
here's Madge with Like a Virg.
MUSIC: Like a Virgin
by Madonna
Hello. You're through to
Koolio Radio.
[SNIGGERING]
Hello?
Oh, hello, dear.
Are you a virgin
looking for advice from my show?
No, I'm not a virgin!
I wouldn't be in this mess if I was.
OK, Shannon.
Can you hang up now
because I need to find a virgin.
You're a virgin, ain't you?
Yeah, I might be a virgin,
but at least I'm not a dickhead.
Your mum's here, by the way,
darling, you're on speaker.
Hi, my babe.
OK, stop tuning in, both of you.
You're too old.
Oh, do you know what, Jack? That's
really charming. Thanks a lot.
We're actually going to an antenatal
class now anyway, so
[PHONE LINE BEEPS]
Oh! He's naughty like that.
Oh, while I remember, Pegs,
can you put some Muslim cloths
in that birthing bag for me, please?
Oh, I think you mean muslin.
No, I don't think I do.
Let me just fact check that.
Jack, we need a virgin.
Sorry, I can't find any
good callers.
Zero virgins so far.
Well, I did just overhear
your last conversation.
What? I didn't know
you can listen in on my calls.
Yeah, it sounds like we do
have one, don't we?
Here on the show,
we're joined by Jake
Oh, it's actually
the 20-year-old virgin.
Yep, it's Jake.
Very brave of you to talk to us.
So tell us,
why still the V plates?
Wah-hey-hey, y'all right,
Ball Boy?
[SNIGGERS]
All right, Ball Boy?
[HE SNORTS]
Oh! Guys, gather around a second.
I just had a bit of a
fucking brainwave.
Right, so, I think we need to do
something new on male mental health.
Yeah? The sad lad shtick.
Smithy's piece about, um,
what was it? Cranking.
You know, crying whilst
you're wanking over your ex.
Did really well with engagement.
Yeah? Meryl. Mm? What we got?
Uh, yeah, Dodsy wants to write about
the 23 best Wetherspoons in Britain
to be depressed in.
That's perfect.
Yeah, it's just rehashed
old bollocks about, you know,
going down the pub, chatting with
your mates, you know? Anyone else?
Anyone? Anyone?
Go on. Ball Boy, hit me.
Uh, yeah, like we could do a piece
about how it's important
to talk, obviously.
But, you know, we need to help
people know what to say when a mate
does actually open up.
OK. Yeah.
Especially as, you know, wait times
now for talking therapies
are getting longer and longer so
Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
mate, mate, mate,
it's way too deep.
You're killing my vibe.
Don't get all political,
do you know what I mean?
Maybe Danny could write about why
the best cure for depression
is a cheeky Nando's.
Bosh. Thank you, Meryl.
It's like you see in me sometimes,
do you know what I mean?
Right, you write that up.
I'm gonna go to the loo.
Hang on. Right.
Ah! Sunday Brunch in there
can go and fuck himself.
Do you know what,
they're all fucking idiots.
And don't say, "I told you so."
I wasn't.
Oh, do you know, I am sick of
people just trying to humiliate me.
I'm not taking it anymore.
Fuck it, do you know what,
he is a jumped-up, coked up,
secret posh boy with a website.
Mummy and fucking Daddy bought him.
He wouldn't know a good idea
if it came spunked in his mouth.
Wow. OK.
For what it's worth,
I say write your pitch,
I'll upload it
and I won't flag it to Eddie.
Really? Yeah.
I'm leaving next month anyway.
Fucking hate it here.
Aye, fuck him.
Let's do it.
OK. Yeah.
MUSIC: Living For The Weekend
by Hard-Fi
Oh, I've been working all week,
I'm tired
Yeah, I've been working
all week and I'm
Just living for the weekend
Hey, hey
Got some money, I just got paid
Got some money
and I can't wait ♪
I'm just picking today's
show subject
out of this hilarious fez hat.
And it's
exam stress again.
So call in on
VOICE MUFFLED THROUGH GLASS:
0207 496 0333.
Koolio Radio,
what's your issue?
Hi, I'm Greg. I'm just really
struggling to learn equations
for my maths exam.
Oh, OK.
Great.
Well, Greg, I'll, uh, patch
you through to the studio.
And we have our first caller.
So, Greg, tell us, what's up?
Yeah.
Uh, why don't you go
fuck her right in the pussy?
VOICE ECHOES AND SLOWS:
Fuck her right in the pussy.
Fuck her right in the pussy.
The pussy! Pussy!
Pussy. Pussy. Pussy.
I'm Greg
Fuck her right in the pussy.
Fuck her right in the pussy.
To be fair,
you wouldn't have known this,
but when that is said on radio,
somebody's got to get sacked.
It's not going to be me.
And it is certainly not
going to be Dr Prateek.
So
How can you get sacked from
an experience?
Hey, congrats. Oh.
Cheers, man. Thanks. Thanks.
Well done, mate. Oh, ta.
What? Jesus.
Oh!
Congrats. Oh, thanks. Thank you.
Ooh-wee. It has done really well.
More comments than anything
all week. Really? Mm-hm.
Although hard to believe, you're
actually not an idiot, Danny King.
Shut up.
I don't know why you two
keep being a couple of secret.
Oh, no We're not a couple. No.
Oi! Ball Boy, Sturgeon, a word.
So, do you think you were clever
going against me?
No. We just realised that all
the content you put out is pure
misogyny rooted in humiliation
masquerading as banter.
In English, please, love.
She means you're shit, mate.
Well, charming.
I was about to offer you both
a column.
I actually read the piece, yeah?
I thought it was pretty good.
Please. The only reason you like it
is because it was popular.
We had to undermine you to get
it published.
And that is because you, Eddie,
are a massive c-
Country and western party!
Come on in and drink the bar dry.
Final day of summer,
so half-price cheeky VKs.
Line dancing imminent.
Yee-haw!
Hello, Danny, mate.
How's it going?
Jack, you're half cut.
It's the middle of the day and,
like, you're supposed to be at work.
And,
I've never been more proud of you!
Well, you know what?
Fuck it, mate.
I've just been sacked
from my work experience.
Same.
[THEY CHEER]
Let's go fucking metal!
Fucking metal!
Like chicken ori- ♪
No! You can't say that anymore, Danny.
What?
No, it's Cockney rhyming slang.
It's not offensive.
It's inclusive, if anything.
This guy.
Right, I'm gonna get a drink.
OK, yeah, will do. Be nice to him.
I will. Have fun.
Love, Tarik. Go, go, go.
Hiya. Hiya.
Wow, you look lovely.
Got you these. Oh.
4.99. Thanks a lot.
No problem.
So, I was thinking we could get
a kebab.
Just, uh, sit in the van, eat it,
and then maybe go bowling.
Hm. Bowling? Yeah.
I am eight-and-a-half-months
pregnant, Tarik.
Well, I'd let you
have the barriers up.
Brilliant.
No, thank you, to bowling.
I will take a kebab.
I'm actually quite a big fan of
having a kebab before a night out.
WHISPERS: Same.
Hello.
Well, you look lovely.
Aw.
I've got you a brandy and coke.
Oh, my favourite.
Calms the nerves.
Yeah.
And I got here early to put
The Clash on the jukebox.
I remember they're your favourite.
Oh, Russell.
Cheers.
If I hadn't, Gary on the bar'd
be playing Il Divo and I can't be
dealing with that shit.
Oh, such boring fuckers.
We get it. You're Italian.
They're actually not Italian.
They're a mixed heritage group.
MUSIC: Act I: La Ci Darem la Mano
by Mozart
La ci darem la mano ♪
It'd be the greatest honour
of my life to co-parent with you.
Although I don't actually
know anything about you.
OK, well, I am an Aquarius
with a Capricorn moon.
What about you?
I did the quiz online,
and I'm a Hufflepuff. Right.
What's that, then?
Harry Potter.
Oh, no. I've never seen it.
You've never seen Harry Potter?
No.
If I wanted to see an orphan
with a scar on his face,
I'd go to Luton.
MUSIC: Lifetime
by Romy Madley Croft
You'll be right be
You'll be right be
You'll be right be
You'll be right be
Oh, this is a high that
I can't get from nobody else
You know I'll never let
this feeling go to waste
No, oh, no, no way
This must be a love
from a higher place
Closing my eyes
and I still know the taste
The touch of your skin
when the sun hits your face
And if you're ever lonely
If you can't find the way ♪
You keep looking at me. Do I?
Why haven't you responded
to any of my texts all year?
Well, cos you fancy Yemi.
Everyone fancies Yemi.
No. I fancy both of you.
I chatted you up because
I fancied you.
Really?
Yeah.
NARRATOR: So, after two years at
uni, 17 terrible Grindr hook-ups,
some 500-plus wanks, I said
Do you fancy going somewhere?
[KISSING AND MOANING]
NARRATOR: I was finally about to
lose my virginity.
So, I've worked out our astrological
compatibility. Right.
OK. And it says that we're both
very kind, which is good.
Um, I've got a temper,
which is true.
And you are quite clumsy.
Which
So, we might be good parents.
And what about, um, your family?
Your parents?
Oh, um,
so, my dad died when I was three.
My mum went to Australia
when I was in year seven,
but I can't stand the accent,
so I just stayed here with my nan.
That's nice you're so close.
Hm Ow.
Ow, my tummy hurts.
Well, you have just had two kebabs.
Oh, my God, what's all that juice?
And what did you say?
I said, Well, allegedly, David
Cameron has fucked a pig." Right?
And she goes, "Don't talk
about women like that."
And I'm like, "No, an actual pig!"
[PHONE RINGS]
Laurie would tell me about mad
chats he'd have in the cab.
How long was he a black cabbie?
27 years.
Yeah.
He sounds like he was a great bloke.
He'd be happy I was on a date,
by the way.
Although not with a minicab driver.
Yeah. Black cabbies
tend to think we're scum.
I'm yet to be convinced you're not.
[PHONE RINGS]
Oh.
What?
[SHE BREATHES INTENSELY]
Breathe, Shannon.
You're going to be fine.
We're five minutes
from the hospital.
This is going to be my favourite
delivery yet.
Don't hold my hand! Drive!
NARRATOR: And just as I was about to
fuck Oscar
You are so predictable.
You got with me in the same
toilet last year.
What? You two got with each other?
Unfortunately. Fuck.
We should all get with each other.
No, thank you, Brokeback Mountain.
Get up.
You left your phone on the table.
Shannon's in labour.
We got to go hospital.
You're drunk.
And I just dropped a pill 20 minutes
ago cos everyone fucked off.
Do I have to?
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Oh, fuck's sake.
Sorry, Oscar.
Where's Danny and Corinne?
MUSIC: I Am Not a Robot
(Clock Opera Remix)
by MARINA and The Diamonds
Never pick up, don't hang up
Our love faded, our love faded
You never pick up anything
You don't ring, ring, rung
Our love faded, our love faded
Never pick up, don't hang up
Our love faded, our love faded
You never pick up,
don't hang up. ♪