Big Nate (2022) s02e05 Episode Script

So although a woman
named Sacagawea
did all the work,
Lewis and Clark
get all the credit.
[bees buzz]
[both scream]
Typical.
Men are glory hogs.
[school bell rings]
School's over!
Get out!
You heard her.
Out!
Only I get to stay after class.
Want me to help you grade
the small-brained
students' papers?
We can laugh
at all their answers.
Sorry, Gina,
my little peppermint.
Miraculously,
nobody got detention today,
so my afternoon is my own.
Finally, I get to check out
Rackleff's new cat café,
The Queen of Spades.
[cat meows]
I can go with you,
Mrs. Godfrey.
No, you will not!
[tiger roars]
[sighs]
I need to take a break
from you energy vampires
and pamper my inner feline.
[cat meows]
[robotically]
Teacher mode deactivated.
[hocks spit]
[spit whistles]
- [sizzling]
- Ha ha, yeah!
The soft cement's
sizzling today.
Thanks, global warming.
See, kids?
Climate change
is good for America.
[eagle screeches]
This message is brought to you
by the EEW! Corporation.
Wa ha!
Y'all ready to make
some playground pizza?
- [laughs]
- [grunts]
Oof.
- Brought the dough.
- You couldn't have kept it
- in your bag?
- Was using my butt heat
to activate the yeast--
cooking 101.
[dough bubble pops]
Coincidentally, 101 is
my personal butt temperature.
Don't ask me how I know that.
I just do.
I brought Gram Applewhite's
famous domestic
cat milk cheese.
Whoa, butt dough
and cat cheese?
That'll pair nicely
with Nate's special sauce.
Whoa!
[pants]
Uh, okay, don't worry.
It's still good--
five second rule.
[humming]
Wha--wha--ah!
[panting]
[Mrs. Godfrey crashes]
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Godfrey.
Here, let me help you.
[grunting]
[suspenseful music]
No more!
- Meet me in detention!
- [groans]
I need to talk to Nichols.
Nichols!
[upbeat music]
Don't want to go
to school today ♪
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play ♪
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay ♪
Detention again ♪
Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
Math and social studies
just ain't my thing ♪
Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
Rocking with my band
is where I'm king ♪
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Big Nate ♪
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
[school bell rings]
[groans]
This is the worst day ever.
[grumbling]
Greetings, PS 38 family!
[chuckles]
Before you head off into this
glorious sunny afternoon,
please see me if you know
of a qualified
substitute teacher
willing to work
for minimum wage
and free tap water.
[slurps]
[spits]
Ah!
The water is thick today.
What was that--
a toenail or something?
Effective tomorrow,
due to work-related exhaustion,
Mrs. Godfrey is taking
an extended leave of absence.
[angelic music]
This is the best day ever!
Canned yams, huh?
When you were a boy, I fed you
farm-fresh yams.
Which you stole
from the farm, Dad.
If a yam farm doesn't
have security,
that's not my problem.
How was school today, champ?
It was amazing!
Mrs. Godfrey, AKA Chalkzilla,
AKA Garlic Loaf,
AKA the bane of my existence
is leaving!
Principal Nichols is gonna hire
a long-term sub!
[party horn toots]
Marty,
didn't you get a substitute
teaching certificate
when you were in your
I-should-stop-living-
in-my-parents'-basement phase?
Oh, that was years ago.
Hmm
[chain saw revving]
[chain saw crashes]
[bell dings]
[gasps]
Dad, you gotta call Nichols
and get the gig!
Father-son bonding time,
it would be awesome!
Gee,
I'm not sure I'm qualified
to teach social studies.
Ah, come on, it's easy.
We literally don't do anything.
Hmm, I have always wanted
to get paid to do nothing.
I'll do it!
I'm calling Principal Nichols
right now.
Bet if my dad's a teacher,
I'll get away with murder!
[laughs evilly]
[chain saw revs]
[screams]
Can you believe I got hired
without an interview?
Absolutely, Marty.
An interview with you
would've been
the kiss of death,
and no offense there,
but boy, you've got all
the charisma of a used tea bag.
Here's your lunch box, Marty.
You made me lunch?
Thanks, Mom.
[solemn music]
Ugh, it's to fill it
with cafeteria food for us, Marty.
Think of your parents
for once.
You are a grown man.
- Isn't he, Marge?
- That, he is.
[whispers] You forgot
to zip your pants up
after you went pee pee.
Made you look.
One, two
princes kneel before you ♪
[laughter]
Hi, Nate's Dad!
Teddy
Oh, bro,
your pops is at school.
You must be in trouble.
Au contraire, Ted-aire.
My troubles are over
now that my dad's our
new social studies teacher!
And that is exciting, Nate!
I didn't know
your dad's a teacher.
Oh, no, he's totally not,
which is what makes this
so uniquely awesome!
Okay.
[clears throat]
Social studies, am I right?
Social studies is
the study of social stuff.
Yeah, let's, uh, be social--
get to know one another a bit.
Who wants to share
something fun about themselves?
I wanna share something.
I wanna share something.
- I wanna share something.
- Dee Dee has something
- to share.
- Fine, it's not a big deal
or anything,
but the local commercial
I'm starring in begins airing
this afternoon on Channel 12!
Not a big deal?
That's a huge deal.
Congratulations, Dee Dee.
I'm glad you spoke up.
You gotta self-promote.
I know that from my band days.
This is all very fascinating,
but I'm sure
Mr. Wright spent all night
preparing for our unit
on the year 1920?
1920, right--
a year I know a lot about.
I'd tell you about it,
but we only have--
Ugh, wow, 58 minutes
left of class time,
and we need to make flyers,
we'll pass out to help Dee Dee
spread the word
about her commercial.
Who'd like to run
to the art room for supplies?
- I'll go!
- Excuse me, Mr. Wright?
But Mrs. Godfrey doesn't allow
Nate to go on class errands.
He's disruptive in the halls.
[laughs evilly]
- [growls]
- Ah, I trust him.
[TV static drones]
Go ahead, Nate.
Yee-hoo!
- Dee Dee's television debut!
- Channel 12!
Your dad's
the coolest teacher.
Ooh
Hey, Dad, can my friends
come over after school
to watch Dee Dee's
commercial together?
Sure,
we can even order pizza.
No canned yams tonight.
I'm pulling in
a teacher's salary.
Take that, Mom and Dad.
Excuse me, Mr. Wright,
what's the homework?
Mrs. Godfrey
always gives us homework.
It's kind of my life force.
[screams]
[spitballs squelching]
[grunts]
Shh, will you be quiet?
No, no, don't bring it up.
All right then,
your homework is to watch
Dee Dee's commercial--
teacher's orders.
Hey there, Super Sub,
I don't know if I mentioned it,
but you gotta be
the detention monitor now.
[chuckles]
It's all part of the gig,
nah I'm sayin'?
[laughs]
Oh, dope.
Wanna walk there together,
- Nate's Dad?
- Sure.
Right this way, sir.
I guess a teacher's work
is never done.
Hey, Dad,
we can still get pizza, right?
Hmm
[all whimper]
Eh, why not?
You have acquired
Dad's credit card.
You may now advance
to act two.
Now presenting
the girl, the myth, the legend,
Dee Dee Holloway!
Whoo-hoo!
- Ooh-ooh.
- Yeah, Dee Dee.
How's it going, baby?
Don't go yet ♪
[grunting]
You know, I never realized
how many stairs there are
- in Rackleff.
- Yes, though,
the ramp was invented
in 2600 B.C.
Rackleff, apparently, has yet
to hear about them.
[loud crash]
The talent has arrived!
Oh, hiya, girls!
Pump the brakes on that shrimp, Vern.
You don't want too much
crustacean dust in your system.
- [munches]
- [grunts]
What's the commercial
for anyway, Dee Dee?
No clue, actually.
They were kind of
secretive about it.
I had to run around
in front of a green screen,
saying, "Gotta go!"
You know, I'm guessing it's
some exclusive store opening.
Ooh-ooh, or maybe
a swanky new restaurant.
Ah!
It's starting.
Gotta go!
Gotta go!
Gotta go!
Right now.
Whoo-hoo!
- Looking good, Dee Dee.
- Go Dee Dee, go Dee Dee.
Chronic diarrhea ♪
Got you running
for the loo ♪
- [toilet flushes]
- I'll say.
- Looking for a method
- Gotta go!
To control
that pesky poo? ♪
And how?
Pooping
should be private ♪
When it's public,
that's a blunder ♪
Try the Under Wonder ♪
And cast
butt thunder asunder ♪
Gotta go!
Let's talk
about your troubles ♪
Oh, my.
There's
no need to be formal ♪
Your freaky
bathroom issues ♪
They are totally normal ♪
Oh, yeah, the Under Wonder.
I have to try that.
[grunts]
- [stifling laughter]
- What am I going to do?
This is a disaster
for my reputation!
More like re-poo-tation.
[school bell rings]
Ooh
no, it's okay, Dee Dee.
It's okay.
Maybe no one even watched it.
Ooh
Whoa-ho,
it's Doo Doo Holloway!
- [laughter]
- Ah, oh
[laughter]
Hey, bubbleguts, you dropping
the kids off at the pool?
- [laughs]
- Taking the Browns swimming?
Letting loose
from your caboose?
[screams]
[school bell rings]
[laughter]
[groans]
Whew, made it.
Hey there, superstar.
More like pooperstar!
[laughter]
Don't be embarrassed,
Dee Dee.
Unexpected bowel issues
happen to all of us.
For example, every time
Nate talks about Jenny here,
he passes gas.
[laughs]
- [laughter]
- That's funny, Dad.
He's totally joking, Jenny.
That's not true at all--
- [farts]
- [retches]
And just last week,
after one
of Nate's special deliveries,
our toilet exploded.
Excuse me, Mr. Wright,
shouldn't we be talking about,
like, I don't know,
social studies and stuff?
You know, like learning useless
trivia about 1920 and whatnot?
Really?
I thought you didn't
do anything in this class.
Okey-dokey,
let's all go to the library
and see what's up with 1920.
What did you do that for, man?
We were finally
getting a break in this class.
Nate's dad
is way cooler than Nate.
[food squelching]
Ooh, stay cool, Dee Dee.
Stay cool.
Everyone will forget about
the commercial in no time.
When I had dairy,
my poo poo sounds like this--
[food squelches and farts]
Oh,
oh
[grunting] Is that normal?
No one's ever gonna forget
the commercial, are they?
Yeah, no.
I'd invest in some
radical cosmetic surgery.
Hi, buddy.
Make sure to order
a healthy lunch.
You're a growing boy.
[laughter]
I'll be back in ten minutes
to burp you.
[laughter]
Okay, I might need
to move to Canada.
- Excuse me a sec.
- [sobs] Don't leave me, Nate!
[food squelching]
Hey, still half full.
- Hi, buddy!
- Dad, don't buddy me.
It's embarrassing.
You wouldn't treat Teddy
like that, would you?
Well, of course I wouldn't.
Teddy's not my Nate nugget--
my bambino,
my cuddle cub!
And neither am I--
at least,
not while at school, okay?
You have to treat me
like any other kid.
[sighs]
If that's what you really want,
but okay.
I promise to treat you like--
[sighs]
Any other kid.
[gasps]
Don't ever
leave me again, Nate.
I'm in
a very vulnerable position.
Uh, hang on.
I forgot to bring
- my lunch money.
- Nate, no!
Hey, Doo Doo
[laughs evilly]
Dad, I forgot lunch money.
- can you spot me?
- Sorry, Nate.
No one else can ask
their parent for lunch money,
and I respect your desire
to be treated
like any other kid.
Dad, ugh. Whatever.
I'm sure Chad
brought extra lunch.
Hey, Nate's Dad,
we got an empty seat over here!
Wanna sit with us?
[laughter]
[groans]
[whimpers]
[milkshake squelching]
[whimpers]
[food squelching and farts]
[suspenseful music]
[mustard squelches]
[screams]
♪
[fart]
Uh, uh, where am I?
[scary giggling]
Guys, are you there?
Hey, Nate, great news!
The school wants to hire me permanently.
Your dad is so cool!
I'm besties with your dad.
[laughs evilly]
No, no,
no!
[screaming]
You're one of us now!
[evil laughter]
[circus music]
♪
[all scream]
[pants zip]
[screams]
[both scream]
[groaning]
[phone rings]
Dee Dee Holloway speaking.
Dee Dee,
it's Lara from Channel 12
calling with great news!
Under Wonder sales
have tripled
thanks to your commercial.
We're gonna start
airing it twice an hour
state-wide!
No!
No!
[cries]
Everyone in all of Maine
is gonna know your name--
Diarrhea Girl!
Wha--
[chokes]
Dad!
Why are you wearing
my old T-ball uniform?
[car crashes]
[person screams]
I'm gonna make
today's social studies lesson
super-duper fun.
Did you know that 1920
was the first year Babe Ruth
ever hit 50 home runs
in a season?
Yup, I just
learned that in the library,
just like a real teacher.
[shorts squeaking]
I can't believe I'm about
to say what I'm gonna say,
but I'm gonna say it!
I gotta get Godfrey back--
right now!
Hey, if I ran away,
would you come with me?
We could go to New York.
- No.
- Come on!
You love New York.
Yes, but I also love my mom
and not having my picture
on a milk carton,
and we're 11.
- We can't get jobs.
- [groans]
Maybe I could sign autographs--
"To Jimmy,
"with best wishes
from your friend,
Diarrhea Girl!"
[groans]
- Hey, Dee Dee.
- [screams]
[groans]
I wanted
to tell you something.
Sometimes,
when I get overstimulated,
- my stomach starts to--
- Leave me alone!
I don't have bathroom issues, okay?
Nothing gross
comes out of me ever!
I am not disgusting!
[panting]
- [sighs]
- Uh, oh, um--
[slurps]
I--I guess
I shouldn't have told you.
It--it's just
that commercial said
weird bathroom issues
are totally normal.
I thought you were an ally.
I now see you were only acting.
Wait, wait, wait.
You were being serious?
You weren't making fun of me?
You were actually moved
by my performance?
Yeah, and I guess
you had me fooled.
I'll just go away now--
to school, I mean.
[grunting and groaning]
[screams]
Whatever you're selling,
I'm not buying!
Unless it's cat-related.
[cat meows]
No, Mrs. Godfrey,
it's just me.
Mrs. Godfrey, I--
I--
[vomits]
I miss you.
Please come back
and be our teacher.
- [screams]
- Ha!
Not a chance!
Now that I'm not spending
every waking minute at school,
I have so much time to get
things done around the house.
My fur babies deserve
a little cat palace!
Well, maybe
you could get a housekeeper?
[scoffs]
I can't afford a housekeeper
on a teacher's salary,
Nate Wright.
If only there was a child
that would be desperate enough
to work for me for free.
[laughs evilly]
Walking on, walking on ♪
Broken glass ♪
- [bell dings]
- [screams]
["Walking on Broken Glass"
by Annie Lennox]
You were
the sweetest thing ♪
[screams]
[cat meows]
[cat yowls]
But I don't care ♪
[screams]
If I can't have you ♪
♪
[towel sizzles]
[cat yowls]
[screams]
Mean, clean,
and restored at last.
[groans]
Does that mean you're ready
to come back to school?
I loathe to admit this,
but you did good, Nate.
[cat meows]
I haven't seen my babies
this happy in a long time.
I'll let you have this one.
[weakly] Yay.
[screams]
[school bell rings]
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, hey, Kim.
Sorry I was
kind of a jerk before.
Hear you spend
a lot of time in here.
- [snickers]
- OMG!
It's Doo Doo Holloway!
Did chronic diarrhea
have you running for the loo?
- [laughs]
- [groans]
[laughter]
Not today, but if it had,
it would be
nothing to be ashamed of.
We all have bathroom issues sometimes.
[laughter]
Actually, she's right.
Everyone has bathroom issues.
Don't you?
Well,
sometimes, when I laugh,
I pee a little.
And I always sit backwards
on the toilet seat,
'cause I'm scared I'll fall in.
I've never told
anyone that before!
I usually have trouble
going to the bathroom
when people are around.
It makes me feel embarrassed.
You have
shy bladder syndrome.
It's okay.
That's a really
common bathroom issue.
Look,
don't beat yourself up, girl.
Remember my commercial?
Let's talk
about your troubles ♪
There's
no need to be formal ♪
all:
Your freaky bathroom issues ♪
They are totally normal ♪
- Yeah!
- [laughing]
Oh, yeah, awesome!
I did it!
I went even though
you guys were here!
Thanks, Dee Dee!
I shouldn't have been ashamed
of my character, Diarrhea Girl.
She's bigger than me.
She is all of us.
As an actor, I must always
be a vessel of truth,
highlighting the gritty,
but universal bowels
of the human condition!
Wow, that's very moving.
Yes, in fact,
I feel movement
coming on right now.
all: Let's talk
about your troubles ♪
There's
no need to be formal ♪
Freaky bathroom issues ♪
[gasps]
I have
weird bathroom issues myself!
[air horn blares]
[all cheer]
[growls]
[grunts]
Something isn't right.
I smell
[sniffs]
Self-esteem.
all: Talk about
your troubles ♪
What the frivolity?
You vandals should be
in social studies class!
Gina,
even you are participating
in this buffoonery?
What are you thinking?
Our substitute teacher
encouraged this behavior,
Mrs. Godfrey.
I knew that he didn't know
what he was doing.
He's Nate Wright's dad.
Mrs. Godfrey,
you're back already?
Mr. Wright
is the best teacher ever!
all: [chanting]
Mr. Wright! Mr. Wright!
And what exactly
did this Mr. Wright--
whose bare midriff--
[belly burps]
Violates dress code--
teach you Neanderthals?
He taught us
how to have f fun!
Well, there's one lesson
you're going to unlearn--
and swiftly.
Head to my classroom at once,
sixth-graders!
We're having a pop quiz
on the year 1920.
It will count as half
your grade for the semester.
[all whine]
If you don't go
into the classroom--
[demonic voice]
I'll eat your souls
in detention!
[huffing and puffing]
[all scream]
[growls]
I'm sorry I couldn't be your
teacher for longer, buddy.
I know how much you've loved
having me at school
with you all day.
Yes, wow!
What a bummer.
Sorry, Dad.
[laughs]
I guess I'll just, uh--
yeah, see you at home then.
Buh-bye now.
By the way,
you're gonna wanna reheat
the tuna noodle casserole
because Nate
will be home late tonight!
He has detention.
Wait, wait, wait, what?
- Why?
- You were very late
to school today, young man.
Yeah,
because I was helping you!
[roars]
[groans]
[rock music]
Chronic diarrhea ♪
Got you running
for the loo ♪
Looking for a method ♪
To control
that pesky poo? ♪
Pooping
should be private ♪
When it's public,
that's a blunder ♪
Try the Under Wonder ♪
And cast
butt thunder asunder ♪
Your freaky
bathroom issues ♪
They are totally normal ♪