Black Books s02e05 Episode Script

Bugger.
Bugger.
Yep, yep.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
I'm coming, all right? Pain in the arse! - Where are you off to? - I'm going to yoga.
Oh, I've often wondered - What? - Don't start.
- Eva says I'm stressed.
- What does Eva know about stress? - She has three kids.
- We've all got three kids.
- At least she's doing something.
- Oi, Thor, get on with it.
I'm only doing it once to shut her up.
I've got to go, I'm late.
I'm always late.
Fags.
W- Why have you moved everything on my desk? Where's my lighter? Bills.
Lots of bills.
Our solicitor sent her solicitor a letter and his solicitor is billing us for it.
- Are you making coffee or not? - We need some decent stock.
Stop, Mother of God, go and get your hair done! The boiler sounds like it's giving birth, you still haven't taken your encyclopedias out of the bath.
I want a herb garden.
What's the matter with you? Where's my lighter? Fran is coming to dinner, I have to cook, clean, run the shop, - do the dusting, tidy - Excuse me.
- Just tell me where it is.
- Excuse me? - What? What? - Do you have any Adam Phillips? How would I know? Go to a proper book shop.
Look, I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you.
You know, in another life, maybe we could have been brothers, running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily.
Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time in this dump.
But it was not to be, so hop it.
Manny, I'm being calm, I am asking you for the last time, where is my Who does all the shopping? Me.
All the cooking? Me.
Who gets all the stock? Me.
Who went without so you had a hot breakfast? Me.
Look, there is your lighter there, next to your cigarettes.
On the desk which I tidied earlier.
Enjoy your bacon roll.
Why do you always have to make the bacon so curly? Right! That's it, I quit.
You quit every day.
I'm going out now for some peace.
I suggest when you reapply for the job in about half an hour you do the interview yourself.
Why not wear your pinstripe suit, the one that gives you a big arse? You like the look of yourself in that.
Every bloody day I don't know why I bother.
You interested in these? Freud? - Complete set? - Yeah.
Load of rubbish, really.
Don't try and push me.
Condition OK.
Bit scuffed.
- That's fine - All right, 25.
That's it.
- Great, they're all yours - 30.
35.
All right, 40 is my final offer.
- All right! 60, yeah? - Great.
Here's the money.
And, er here's a tenner for the taxi.
That looks good.
- Hey, hey! - What? Brown sauce? - Told you so.
- It's amazing.
If I was any more relaxed you could just pour me into a bowl.
Look at you smiling away.
See? You don't need horrible cigarettes and gallons of booze just to feel normal.
- Is this normal? - Yes! That's what I'm telling you.
You change when you drink, you're so loud.
You sit there with a fag, cackling like something out of a brothel.
God, I don't.
How horrible.
And when you're drunk, the way you eat and swear Suddenly crying and then singing and kissing terrible men.
I know, I know, I'm awful.
I worry you'll end up with a head full of gold teeth roaring over a vegetable stall someplace.
- I'm not that - Come over for the next set of exercises.
- We can have carrot juice.
- Carrot juice! What? No, yes, I'd love to.
- Definitely, great.
- I'll see you then.
You know, I've never told you but all those fags and booze make you reek.
- What? D-Do I? - Stinky-poos.
No more smoking and drinking with those two layabouts.
No, no-no, I won't.
Excuse me, can I get? Where were you? I called you for ages.
Manny is driving me nuts.
That's because he's got pressure on his meridian lines.
Which? Excuse me, c-could I? Do I smell or what? Yes, because you're full of things that are bad for you.
What? Listen, he's making me miserable.
You are miserable because you are always guzzling, gulping or puffing.
What's wrong with you? I'm talking about Manny.
You know, the fruit storm I happen to live with.
- I want a drink.
- You always want something.
In Tibet, if they want something, know what they do? - They give something away.
- Do they? Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.
Excuse me! You should stop smoking and drinking.
I haven't had anything for two hours.
- Why not? - Yoga.
Don't mess around with that stuff.
I read it's very dangerous.
It's amazing.
It's like having sunshine in your veins.
Here we go, Mary Poppins.
It is a shame the way people pollute themselves.
I mean, look around you.
Just look, what do you see? I see intelligent, attractive people who smoke and drink all the time and never get sick or die.
Or bore the bollocks off their friends.
Excuse! This is pointless.
I'll see you at dinner, which he is making a big deal out of.
You are being irrational.
The only way to inner peace Stop talking goo.
The only thing that will bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile.
Are you trying to kill me? You left a box of books on the stairs.
Sorry I bought something that will actually sell.
- What? What is it? - Freud, complete works.
Drivel.
A waste of money.
So what kind of filth is spewing out of your hatch tonight? Mini medleys of chicken with summer berries.
You know I hate student food.
To start, and then daube of Argentinian lamb with a julienne of red roots, celeriac mash and salsa verde.
I bet you forgot to buy the plonk.
The wines will be a Tavel, followed by Primitiva or Navarra.
Well, I want a drink now! There's the two litres of your Spanish antifreeze.
Let me know when you want your food chewed.
- I'll wait till you put your teeth in, dear.
- Don't start Oh, isn't this nice? What were those funny-coloured things? Vegetables.
You know I'm allergic to vegetables.
You are trying to kill me.
Excuse me.
What's the matter with him? His energy centres are misaligned.
- Oh, Christ! - And you're feeling like this because I feel like this because he never thinks of anyone but himself.
- Fran, I've made something for you.
- Oh, Manny.
It's your favourite - rum and chocolate.
- Oh - Oh, yes, kissy-kissy.
Ugh.
I can't really have any.
- I'm avoiding all stimulants.
- Oh, listen to you! You're becoming one of them, going to the other side.
The land of sandals, spoon-benders and yogurt-fanciers.
Everybody farts a lot because they don't know how to laugh.
Everyone should meditate.
Oh, let's, then we can all make some tofu for the dolphins who live in the fridge.
Fran is trying to improve her life, you could support her.
It's shite.
Like the Freud.
How did you price that rubbish? I didn't.
I was cooking! How very convenient to leave all the back-breaking labour to me.
Yoga.
Freud.
Fran, I need to talk to you.
He treats me like a child.
I can't cope.
He eats all the sweets, he says they'll make my hair fall out.
I found a baby monitor under my bed.
- We'll sort it out right now.
- What will we do? - Close your eyes.
- God, Fran And keep them closed.
Take a deep breath.
Stick out your tongue and roll your head.
Ahhh-uhhh.
Bluhhh "The psychopathology of the inverted sociopath.
" This is all about him.
Mania.
And relax.
Now fold your arms.
And sway them gently.
That's it.
Mother complex.
He's got the lot! OK, and raise your head and open your eyes.
- Now, doesn't that feel better? - Yes.
But he's becoming impossible.
Look, he hasn't left anything for us.
- Breakfast! - What? Ow! What's happened? What is it? Hang on.
Take that one, oh, erm Vitamin C? - Ow! - Nasal spray? Fungicide.
What's this? Why did you do that? - So you could use the towel.
- Oh, you're insane.
Get out.
Jam.
According to Freud it's dangerous even to be in the same room as you.
We'll have to replace all our cutlery with plastic.
And then I want to get you electronically tagged.
Bernard, pass the butter, please.
- This? - No, that.
- What did you say? - I said, "No, that.
" You said, "No, Dad.
" There you go again, projecting.
I wish I'd never bought the stupid books.
I'm not projecting.
I've never seen such projecting.
It's in CinemaScope with Dolby Surround.
You're deranged.
You need help.
- I'm normal.
- Normal? What other grown man makes soldiers for his runny egg and then divides them into rank? - Just a bit of fun.
- Yeah? - So I can eat this one? - Don't touch the colonel! It'll upset the rest of the men.
Call a shrink, you're nuts.
And so is your whole platoon.
Breathe in.
And breathe out.
And come down.
And then raise your hands up and say, "Hello!" - To the sun.
- Hello, sun.
- You don't actually say it.
- It's not even sunny.
Hey do you fancy some toast? Wheat is poison.
I can't believe you had chocolate.
You didn't have meat, did you? No! No, no, no, no.
Well, just a little bit of chicken.
And a few specks of lamb.
Fran, we're going to have to fix you.
Your chakras will be all clogged.
Eva, do you, erm do you ever get a bit bored erm f-feeling this good all the time? I'm going to ignore that.
That's the toxins in you talking.
Come on, I'll centre your yang.
Ah, right.
How about a special treat? Is it that carrot thing again? Come on.
I'm not a total killjoy, you know.
You sit tight and I'll rustle us up some naughty rice cakes.
Here we are.
Yummy! - What are you doing? - Stripping the chicken.
- What for? - I could make soup, salad, sandwiches.
Or a chicken cravat but it's just hassle.
We'll get a takeaway.
- Loads I could do with this.
- It's a chicken! Chicken is finite.
You've got to move on.
What if somebody dies? - I'll use the legs.
It's thrifty.
- It's disgusting.
This is how Jeffrey Dahmer and that lot get started.
You can't let go.
Old boxes of fried chicken lying around.
Then a friend says, "I have to leave town," and Out with the Black & Decker.
Bits of him lying around like nibbles.
- You've got to see a shrink.
- Have a wing.
It's crunchy.
Can't you see you're not right? So I made him an appointment.
Can you imagine what the analyst is finding in that horrible head of his? If you two could do something relaxing together things wouldn't be so tense.
What? Every time we bicker we should have sex? Just have a drink and be yourself again.
So what's it's like, then? Fags and booze? To be honest, after years of smoking and drinking you do sometimes look at yourself and think Yep.
In between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of corner-shop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think Yep.
"This is fantastic.
"I'm in heaven.
" Obviously, I'm very grateful for the job, erm and I don't think he's fundamentally a bad person Well, I suppose he might be.
I mean, it's not a bad life after all.
Obviously, there's the cooking, the cleaning, doing the accounts, making the cheese, scraping the beds.
But you know, I-I'm happy, really.
Yes, you're right, you're right.
I'm being exploited.
It's about self-respect, isn't it? Isn't it? Exactly! Exactly.
I must stand my ground.
Brilliant.
Thank you so much for your help.
Cheque all right? The service in this place.
Erm, excuse me Sorry, excu-excu - Is something wrong with me? - Hm.
Service.
Yes, sir? - Two cappuccinos, chocolate cake.
- Straightaway, sir.
- Wow.
- This therapy might have helped.
- You are the king! - There is a touch of the king.
On the house, sir.
Sorry for the delay.
King of kings! When the other kings don't know what to do they call you.
The royal line does ring from time to time.
- Oh, won't he be surprised? - Who? - Bernard.
- Oh, yes.
Him.
Where have you been? - Talking to me? - You look different.
Are you on steroids? What are you talking about, you silly little man? Now, look here Shouldn't you be serving a customer or something? And isn't it about time you had a really good scrub? It's not my fault I look like this.
You haven't washed my things.
Ah.
We can't blame others for our appearance, can we? No, no, no, but I suggest you wash your own socks, if you can chisel them out of your shoes.
I'm going for a nap and I don't want to be disturbed.
How dare you speak to me like that! My own son.
What did you say? Nothing.
Nothing.
It's as Freud says.
You know, the unconscious thing.
Superego, something, something That's exactly what he's like.
It's not as if he's never rewarded.
Maybe not in any material way or any other way, but still.
I may have been a little hard on him.
But he leaves boxes in the hall! I nearly tripped and Yes, yes, I'm a monster, I know, it's not his fault, I'm a terrible bastard.
Yes, right, thanks for your help, bye.
One complete set of Freud, £200, thank you.
Manny? Your wages.
Sorry they're late.
Oh, thanks.
Er, I was just going to get us some lunch.
No, no.
I've done that.
- That's awfully kind of you.
- Manny! It's nothing.
You're welcome, it's nothing.
Wa-hey! Go on! Give him a kiss! Go on! You're pissed.
Yeah, I know.
Come on, open the bootle.
What? What are you looking at? Oh, oh I cracked, didn't I? Eva said I had to give up milk and peas and God knows what.
What's wrong with fucking peas? I told her she could stuff it up her chakras.
And now she's not talking to me.
Come on, open the bloody wine.
Go on, Manny, get a move on.
- Please.
- What? Wouldn't kill you to say please.
You know what, I'm going to have you spayed.
Go on, Manny, resign.
Again.
Go on.
- I am.
I resign.
- I've had enough, I'm going out.
Yeah, go on, I'll mind the shop for you.
I can be both of you.
"Bernard, Bernard, it's not fair.
Bernard, here's your tea.
"Oh, Bernard, can I have my pocket money?" "Oh, Manny, for the last time, shut up! "Mother of God, I think I'm going to kill ya.
" Now, that is mad.