Black Comedy (2014) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Darling, come here.
Darling, look.
We've been invited to a wedding.
Whose? Your friend, from golf.
Jack, the Aborigine.
Good old Jack! 'Jack and Carol invite you to share their love' Blah, blah, blah.
'Two families' Blah, blah, blah '.
.
on the occasion of their traditional wedding.
' We've never been to a traditional Indigenous wedding before.
It'll be fun.
I wonder what we should wear.
Hmm.
Take a glass of champagne, and enjoy the celebration.
GUEST: Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Sharon and Darren.
From golf.
A little something for the newlyweds.
It's a fresh one.
Please, just pop it on the table.
OK.
Just put it down here, darling.
That was awkward.
I told you we should have got something from the gift registry.
Theme music EERIE SOUNDTRACK (Echoing laughter, slurping) (Kookaburra laughs) (Crow caws, low chatter) Boys.
Charlie.
Hello, Mayor Charlie.
Ah, g'day, Mavis.
You coming to the Town Meeting? Sure am, Mayor Charlie.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
It's going to be a good one, got a surprise.
Big announcement to make.
Gonna be a big year for Wandaroorah.
(Kookaburra calls) (Eerie music continues) (Flies buzz) NAIDOC week.
National Aboriginal and Islander Day Of Observance.
Now, I've been given this NAIDOC business a lot of thought, and I reckon we've got to do something real special.
Like what? ALL: Yeah.
Well, answer me this, Petey.
When was the last time that you saw an Aborigine in Wandaroorah? I reckon I might have seen an Indian once.
Nah, that doesn't count, Petey.
Bernie? No.
Mavis? Gympie Jim? Any of youse? (Murmuring) Exactly.
Now, many of you know that our founding fathers were not the most learned mob.
And, in fact, they killed all the Aborigines around this way.
In fact, all the ways around here.
Now we have to do something to make up for it.
How we gonna do that, Mayor Charlie? ALL: Yeah.
This year for NAIDOC Week, we are gonna do something real special.
We are gonna get ourselves some Aborigines.
(All murmur) Yeah, but where are they gonna come from, Mayor Charlie? How do we get anything in Wandaroorah, Bernie? MAN: Oh.
Oh.
Oh, no.
We said we weren't gonna do that no more, Mayor Charlie.
It's been decided, Bernie! Kenny, you get the boys.
You know what to do.
I reckon this meeting's adjourned.
(Waves lap) Dad? Yes, son.
Why do UFOs only abduct white people? Because they're easier to spot in the dark.
Ohh! Yeah.
(Traditional Chinese music plays) Eyah, slut! What, slut? You're looking very sour! Maybe that's because my man isn't sweet enough.
Ah! Don't you put this back on me! I know you're up to something.
Like what? I don't know, organising budhoo.
(Gasps) That's a lie! Is it? You've been very secretive lately.
Plus (Sniffles) I know you're ashamed of me.
(Sobs) What's that supposed to mean? Can't even introduce me to your family! Well, what's this, then, slut? This my mummy! (Gasps) Well, what's this, then, slut? This is my mother! Well, what's this, then, slut? This my bala! Well, what's this, then, slut? This is my brother! Well, this is my aunty! (Gasps) What's this, then, slut? This is my aunty! (Gasps) This is my uncle, slut.
Well, this is my grandmother, slut.
This is my nephew, slut.
This is my niece, slut.
Well, this is my step-daddy, slut.
Well, this is my cousin-brother boy's sista-girl, slut! Ah! (Child cries) Shut that kid up! (Gasps) Can't even say yes.
Y-Ye But we're in Australia.
Can't even get married! What's this, then, slut? New Zealand.
(Gasps) Well, what's this, then, slut? Yes! (Laughs) (Applause) Give it here! Yes! (Laughter and clapping continues) (Bridal March plays) ALL: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Want a sip? BINGO CALLER: Legs 11! Come on, I won't tell Aunty.
(Clattering) Bingo.
How good is this holiday gonna be? Tell me about it, babe.
We've been through a lot these last six months.
True, eh? This break's gonna do us a world of good.
And when it's over, you can start teaching, we can start that family we've been talking about.
Ha-ha! One boy.
One girl.
You said it, babe.
(Both laugh) (Multiple bangs, tyres squeal) What was that?! I don't know.
Think we've blown a tyre.
Ah, bloody hell! I've got no reception.
Where are we? I don't know.
But there was a sign back there that said Wanda Wandaroorah.
Who are you? I'm Mayor Charlie, and you are our special guests.
Our? What do you mean 'our'? Our.
Kenny! Petey! And I advise you not to run.
The fellas here, they're really keen to meet you.
So, have you ever been in a car with a black man before? Ah, no.
Why not? Oh, no reason.
There's always a reason.
Well, I suppose I don't really know one any.
You don't know any, or just don't want to know any? No, I do want to know.
Maybe we don't want to know you.
Do you ever think about that? Yeah.
No, um Now.
What's the first thing you do when you get into a car? Buckle up.
You telling me I should buckle up? Ah You think I haven't been in a car before? You think I don't know how to do my job? Of of course not.
Sorry.
You ain't got no clipboard you ain't got no badge and you sure as hell ain't got no pen.
Now hurry up.
Uh, hu-hurry up and do what? Buckle up.
OK.
You buckled up? You buckled up good? Yeah.
Good.
Now take it off.
What? Your seatbelt.
Time's up.
Get out of the car.
(Hammering) And thanks to the traditional owners of the land, the Muttiwingal people, I now declare this There's no name on here! (Siren blares) (Keypad beeps, phone rings) It's finally happened.
We need to get the board together.
Now.
The reason I've called you all in for this emergency meeting of the Department of Aboriginal Names is because the inevitable has finally happened.
We have officially run out of Aboriginal names.
But we have four housing projects, three bridges and a community hall to name by the end of the day! Everybody, calm down.
We've been well aware that this would happen for some time now.
The Department of Aboriginal Names was founded in 1983 at the height of the Aboriginal Naming boom when, in the name of reconciliation, everything suddenly needed an Aboriginal name and we've been naming everything ever since.
Yes, we know all this.
Then you would also know the Aboriginal language is not a renewable resource and today, gentlemen well, today we ran dry.
So what the hell are you doing about it, Jordana? Let me introduce you to Plan B.
I give you the Namer 3000, the future of Aboriginal naming.
What does it do? The Namer 3000 was developed by the best coders and linguists this country has to offer.
It uses a special algorithm to come up with the perfect-sounding Aboriginal name.
Well, what's the problem, then? There's a glitch in the software.
See, whilst we've been able to perfect the naming function, the meaning function isn't quite there yet.
Well, what's the good of a name without a meaning? You build a park, you give it a name with a meaning.
You put it on a plaque, you have an opening ceremony and everybody's fucking happy.
No meaning, no happy.
Oh, I know.
Which is why I've assembled the country's foremost team of crack meaning givers.
I give you Serena.
She specialises in historical people and events.
The next is Jimmy, who knows everything there is to know about land.
And finally, I give you Dolton.
They call him The Magician, because he can make nothing into something out of thin air.
They look like kids.
Let me prove you wrong.
(Static whirrs) 'Bridge-amatta-naragah'.
Go.
Bridga - that's sunrise.
The sun rising.
Morning.
And 'matta'.
Matta is river.
So Bridga-matta - Morning sun rising over river.
Then 'narragah', crazy.
And in many languages, the order is inverted.
So we have it, Bridga-matta-narragah, morning sun rising over crazy flowing river.
It's genius.
It's our last hope.
This ragtag group of rebels is gonna save this department.
And save us all.
(Claps rhythmically) And thanks to the traditional owners of the land, the Muttiwingal people, I now declare this the 'Mittiga ngarra mayra wimbi wimbi junjijar walla walla weama ma-ma Park'.
(Applause) Meaning 'meeting place of the young and old where the spring breeze is only surpassed by the adequate seating and shade and excellent parking facilities' park.
(Applause) (Phone rings) Welcome to Black On Track, this is Jessie.
How can I help you? CALLER: Yeah, I'm looking for Jonathan.
Jonathan? Yeah! Jonathan! Jonathan! What's wrong with you mob? You wanna open up your binna and listen, eh! I'm sorry but we don't have a Jonathan that works here.
What do you mean, you don't have a Jonathan there? Um, I mean we don't have a Jonathan that works here.
Eh, you sure? I know what you idiot office workers are like.
Uh, yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Well, who are you mob that I've rung? We're Black On Track.
We're a training and educational facility.
Oh! Well, I don't want you idiots.
I'm after them other mob.
What their name again? Um, I don't know, unfortunately, but do you know Jonathan's last name? Maybe I can find out where he works.
Why would I know his last name for? Why should I know that? What's wrong with you mob? You work or what? Well, I'm talking to you, aren't I? What'd you say? I said I'm talking to you, aren't I? Hey, you better not be getting cheeky with me! Well, you could talk a little bit more nicely to me.
I don't have to talk nice to you.
Who you think you are? You don't wanna get cheeky with me! Eyah! You don't wanna get cheeky with me! What kind of idiot gonna ring up somewhere looking for someone they don't even know their last name, trying to get me to think of them.
Think I don't have better things to do than to put up with your cracked-up, no-memory, can't-think-of-shit arse? Why don't you go and take your wasting my time hole and park that shit somewhere, think about who you want to call AND where they work, then you can go annoy some other poor black, instead of ringing me up with your psycho shit.
Now, was that cheeky enough for you? (Sighs) (Phone rings) Welcome to Black On Track.
This is Jessie.
How can I help you? So, is Jonathan there or what? ALL (Chanting): N-A-I-D-O-C Here are our Aborigines One for you, one for me We all love Aborigines.
KYLIE: What are they going to do to us? I don't know, babe.
We gotta get out of here.
I know.
I know.
And we will.
Hello! Hello.
Hello! Hey, Bernie, you got the humpy? Oh, yeah, Charlie.
And the costumes, Mavis? Just like in the book, Mayor Charlie.
Just like you asked.
Good on you, Mavis.
Good.
This will be best goddamn NAIDOC Week Wandaroorah has ever seen! (Cheering) Ready? ALL: N-A-I-D-O-C Here are our Aborigines.
One for you, one for me We all love (Beeping) Bloody machine.
Took my money.
Well, now you know how Aboriginal people feel.
(Bang!) Ailinga! Ailinga! AILINGA: (English accent) Oi! Oi, you lot! What you doin', you lot? What you doin'? What you mean is it me? Of course it's me! Ailinga.
Ailinga.
I don't get it.
(Laughter) Did you just call me fat? That's well rude, that is.
I was kidnapped, I was.
Kidnapped.
Then I come back here and you all are proper rude, calling me all 'white', like, and 'fat', like.
Why I even bother escapin'? Why? What? What you all starin' at me for? You all lookin' at me like I'm proper bothered, like something proper wrong! It's well rude, innit? It's a bit awkward, innit? Look, what I don't understand is, and I ain't bein' funny or nothin', but I'm back.
So why aren't we getting PROPER MORTAL! (Laughter) Come on! It's me, Ailinga! I escaped from the white people.
Come on, get mental.
Come on! (Waves lap) Dad? Yes, son.
You know how 'abnormal' means something that isn't normal? Yes, son.
Well, doesn't that mean Aboriginals should just be called Originals? I guess so.
And anyone who isn't Original is an AB-Original? Yeah.
EERIE MUSIC Hello, Wandaroorah! (All cheer) You all know that I promised you something really special this year, and here it is! Let's have a big Wandaroorah welcome to the King and Queen of NAIDOC Week! (Cheering) And now, let's present them with their crowns.
This way, kids.
Aww! Oh, there.
I now pronounce you King and Queen of NAIDOC! (Cheering) And tonight, we'll dance and sing and eat our traditional Aboriginal feast! (Cheering) What does he mean, 'traditional Aboriginal feast'? I don't know, babe.
He means traditional Aboriginal food, doesn't he? Doesn't he? (Whimpers) He does mean that we're gonna eat traditional Aboriginal food, doesn't he? No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
NO! Heh-heh! No, no, no.
(Laughs) (Cheering) I think they're gonna What? No, it doesn't matter.
Now dance, Aborigines! Dance your dance of welcome! Come on.
Babe, we gotta get out of here, right? OK.
On my signal, we run.
(Cheering) Follow my lead.
Here we go.
Two step.
Here we go.
(Pants) Oh, yeah.
Let's go, spin.
Spin.
(Kylie whimpers) One of us has got to get out of here.
Alright? No, Kevin, no.
Kylie, otherwise two of us is going to die here.
(Hisses) Kylie, I want you to live.
Live a long life.
Remember, one boy One girl.
One girl.
(Whimpers) Kevin, if you're not gonna who's gonna? I don't wanna know, Kylie! (Sobs) Alright.
On my signal, you run, baby.
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Kylie, RUN! (Screams) Run, Kylie! Run! (Shouting) Yeah! Run, Kylie! (Pants) Oh! Babe? Are you awake? Mm, yeah.
I had the worst dream.
No, it was a nightmare.
We was on holidays and we were driving in the countryside and our car broke down.
And we were kidnapped by these whitefellas.
They wanted to take us to be part of their NAIDOC Week.
Oh, baby, it was terrible.
Then they wanted to eat us.
They took us to this town, it was called Wandaroorah.
Babe, how'd you know? It's not a dream.
What? Look.
Noooooooo! (Sobs) What? What you all staring at me for? You were staring at me like you want to go me.
Because it's lookin' like you wanna go me, it is.
Go on, have a crack! Have a crack.
Go on! Go on! Not so funny now, innit?