Black Dynamite (2009) s02e05 Episode Script
'Sweet Bill's Badass Singalong Song' or 'Bill Cosby Ain't Himself'
Now, Mr.
Melvin van Peebles.
As you know, there have been many great black films "Black caesar," "Blacula," "Black on this sucka," "You blacked my mama," "Who you callin' black?" "Get black Jack," "All that black," and the very popular "Some of my best friends are black.
" But today, right here in the heart of the black community, we begin production on our greatest and blackest film ever, called "Blackity black black black"! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Melvin! I would like to talk to you! Not now, Bill Cosby.
There has never been this much black crammed in a title or a movie before.
You need to come on down to the set right now to meet our most beloved stars and heroes Rudy Ray Moore, Pam Grier, Antonio Fargas, and the main man himself, Mr.
Jim Kelly! Look here, my beautiful white she-devil.
Business has been a little slow for the Black Pumas these days.
But if you could please cut - our cable back on, I would be - Brother Stuey, look at the TV screen! Come witness the most historic film in the making.
You better be there or be square, baby! I can't believe this sucker is filming in our community.
- And he ain't pay us a dime! - And we want all 10 pennies, too! Dynamite! Dynamite! He's Dynamite So Dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh, aaahhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, Dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! This week Come witness the most historic film in Black Dynamite, I can't believe you don't want to go down there and see the biggest, - blackest movie stars ever.
- What's the big deal about seeing "Blackity black black black" actors on the movie screen.
When we live the lives of real blackity, black, black, black [bleep.]
every day? Damn, Blacky D, how come because you don't ever like to do [bleep.]
we all can't like to do [bleep.]
I tell you what you can like your ass gettin' whupped for callin' me "Blacky D" again.
I bet you would make a bad-ass movie star, Black Dynamite.
Mm-hmm! This is true.
Me and old Melvin go way back, all the way - back to the days of [bleep.]
.
- The days of truckin'? I didn't know you liked truckin', Black Dynamite.
- I love those horns.
Toot, toot! - Not the days of truckin' - the days of [Bleep.]
- Man, in those days, we [bleep.]
in cars, bars, trees, and even under the sea.
I [bleep.]
a bitch on top of the Empire state building! Look, somebody's robbing Roscoe's bean pies and pork rinds! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Cut! Cut! - Oops.
- And skeeted on the Statue of liberty! Black Dynamite, I should have known.
Take 10, everybody, and let's get some of these dead stunt men out of here.
Oh, man, I haven't seen you - since the days of truckin'.
- You mean [Bleep.]
.
Yeah, I always get those two mixed up.
How's it swinging? - Low like a sweet chariot.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.
Sorry about killing and/or mortally wounding - all your stunt men.
- Don't worry.
These [bleep.]
love to die.
So, this must be the infamous Black Dynamite crew I've heard so much about.
In the flesh! My name's Cream Corn, certified pimp and rest haven for hoes.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Come on, let me introduce you to our stars.
Hey, you look just like me.
Or do I look just like you? Or did your daddy - [bleep.]
my mama? - Melvin van P, who the [bleep.]
is he supposed to be? Rudy Ray Moore is my name, and [bleep.]
up - mother[bleep.]
is my game.
- Well, Rudy, you might be the man on the silver screen, but Bullhorn's - the meanest [bleep.]
you ever did seen.
- Why, you born-insecure [bleep.]
I made Godzilla suck my [bleep.]
while King Kong held the balls.
I whupped a skyscraper's ass and made - all the london bridges fall.
- Man, I ate an oil tanker, and it didn't give me gas.
I walked by the devil and burnt his ass.
I swam in the sun and skinny-dipped on the moon.
I [bleep.]
Uranus in her ass and made the bitch crawl to Neptune.
- [Bleep.]
you! - Okay, okay, that's enough, Rudy.
- Save that [bleep.]
for the film.
- Black Dynamite, this got to be breaking some kind of copyright rules or something.
This bitch looks just like me, except for them little titties.
Look, I'm sure that any of these characters' similarities to anyone alive or dead is purely coincidental.
Right, Melvin? Uh, uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah.
That's right, baby.
I looked him right in his little Chinese eyes and said, "[bleep.]
Mr.
Han Man!" Jim Kelly, Black Dynamite.
- Black Dynamite, Jim Kelly.
- Melvin, the similarities between Jim Kelly and Black Dynamite cannot be - purely coincidental.
- Oh, okay, you got me.
I Look, Melvin, I got no time for male groupies, you dig? Man, you look like you come right out of a comic book.
Look here, Jim Kelly.
Black Dynamite is blacker than the ace of spades and more of a star than you and this whole black cast put together.
And while you in front of them movie cameras pretending to [bleep.]
up suckers and stick it to the man, I'm in the streets for real, protecting the community and taking out any jive-ass turkey that gets in my way.
Now, I suggest you shut the [bleep.]
up when a real black hero is telling you to shut the [bleep.]
up! - Um - Black Dynamite, suddenly, I would like to leave your island.
I love it when he talks in movie lines.
- Mr.
van Peebles! Mr.
van Peebles! - Hey, my assistant, young Spike Lee.
- What's shakin', baby? - You're gonna be late to your is running right into your - your [bleep.]
suck at 4:00.
- Okay, okay, put them all together.
Hey, show business calls.
Why don't y'all hang around for a while? We got free Roscoe's buttery - bitches and waffles, all you can eat.
- I don't know, Melvin.
Free Roscoe's bitches and waffles? You know I like my bitches buttery, Black Dynamite.
Waffles, bitches, butter, all that! By the way, Bill Cosby left you a bunch of messages.
You might want to listen to them.
Ohhhh, it's me, Bill Cosby.
Hey, um, Melvin, I had some concerns about the film.
Cosby again.
Can you call me back? I have concerns about the mov me back, please? The movie dying to talk to you like a civilized Call me ba Filth flarn flarn! Hey, Melv filth flarn Ohh! Oh, yeah, I almost forgot there's three girls here that said you promised - them an audition.
- Alright.
They got five minutes.
Send them in.
All right, girls, I only have a couple of roles left, so the competition - is stiff.
- Put the dick away, Melvin.
- We ain't come here for that.
- We didn't?! Black Puma leader Stuey Fig Newton and two other members of the Black Puma party? How did y'all get in here? Disguised as three bitches that want to [bleep.]
you.
- That's how.
- Damn, y'all Pumas are some - sneaky bitches.
- Wait.
So, we not [bleep.]
? You know the shakedown rules, brother.
You don't as much as take a [bleep.]
in our community without paying us before you wipe your ass.
Come on, Stuey.
I'm always paying you Pumas.
- Damn, how much does the revolution cost? - This ain't for no revolution, sucker.
- It's for our cable bill.
- Sh-Sh-Sh-Shut up.
Little Spike Lee, I suggest you do the right thing and tell me what the [bleep.]
y'all are doing around my car.
I'm sorry, Black Dynamite, but sensei Jim Kelly says he likes your car and that he wants to drive it in the movie.
Sensei Jim Kelly is about to drive - my foot up his ass.
- When it comes, I won't even notice.
- And why is that? - Because I will be too busy lookin' good.
Come on, man.
That's all I got.
I put every penny I had into this "Blackity black black black" film! Well, I guess that's your blackity, black, black ass! - Suey! - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # Sorry, Melvin, I didn't mean to interrupt your ménage-a-four and destroy your trailer and put my foot up your black star's ass, but that turkey was way out of line.
No problem.
These bitches were just leaving, Unless of course they want to hang around and give - you some action, too.
- No, that's okay.
- Bye, Melvin! I'll see you soon! - Don't call me! - I'll call you, bitches! - Let's get this straight.
- Are we [bleep.]
him or not? - Look Melvin, maybe Black Dynamite's just too real to be around [bleep.]
who act like they're real.
I think we're gonna go.
Are you kidding me, man? I could use a real bad-ass like you around here, jack, for, uh, inspiration.
Dynamite! Dynamite! Bitch, you know my balls - don't wear cotton drawers.
- Mr.
Moore, your hair is - needed in hair in 10 minutes.
- I'm comin' mother[bleep.]
! Mrs.
Grier, your titties are needed in m Ah! Ah! Sensei Kelly? I'm comin'.
Still tryin' to get Black Dynamite's shoe out my ass.
Ohh! All right, quiet on the set! Okay, Antonio, this the big scene where your mama has been on the stroll all day, but she ain't got your money.
So, why don't you give her - a little motivation? - Now, do you want a 45-degree "Cleopatra Jones" slap, or you want a "Come back, Charleston blue" upper slap? Whatever you think she deserves, baby! - Just make it look real.
- Cool.
And action! Action! Action! What the [bleep.]
is going on in there? Mr.
van Peebles, all of our black stars are gone! Ain't nobody seen nothin'! Nobody, nobody, nobody! No-No-Nobody! You will not say filth flawrin flawrin filth in front of people ever again! Duhhhh! Dynamite! Dynamite! Hmm? Now, this is some heavy shit.
- Oh, man, what am I gonna do? - I can only imagine how much money was spent on this movie, Melvin.
[bleep.]
the money! Do you know how much [bleep.]
- I would have got? - Don't count that [bleep.]
out yet, Melvin.
I found a clue.
The Reverse strip club? - Now, this is some heavy shit.
- Some heavy shit.
I know.
There's a good chance that whoever likes to watch funky moose knuckles slide up and down poles at this joint also kidnapped your black stars.
Don't worry, Melvin.
I'm gonna show you how a real action hero saves the day.
I'm on the case.
Thanks, Black Dynamite, but who knows how long that'll take? I still need to stay on schedule.
Well [bleep.]
we look just like them.
Maybe we can stand in for a while.
- That's a dumb-ass idea, Cream Corn.
- That's a great idea, Cream Corn.
Fellas, we have our new stars.
Get them in makeup pronto.
Welcome to the Cosby coon removal program.
In 24 hours, you will be converted from self-degrading blaxploitation film stars to upstanding, intelligent, dignified representatives of the black race.
And blaxploitation will be a thing of the past! Now, here are the scripts for my new show that will represent a clean, wholesome image of the black community that you will all be starring in, called "The Huxtables.
" - Any questions? - Well, what if we say no? Brown Hornet? Now, Cream Corn, this should be easy for you, being that you are a real pimp.
Now, your line is, "bitch, where's my money?" - Uh, uh, okay.
- And action! Um, girl I-I-I mean, bitch, um well, I ain't mean to call you bitch, but, uh, could you give - me my money, please? - Cut! Moms Mabley? Hmm.
She just "Mabley" be next.
I should check it out.
Coming to the stage is a beautiful, wretched hoe that has turned every trick in the book, but is now lookin' for some self-respect, y'all.
Give it up for Anti-biotica! put on that big blouse these words is mighty keep your titties from falling out Say, mama, is it me, or are those cats paying - chicks to put their clothes on? - That's the deal, daddy.
Here we get paid to respect ourselves.
You want a private dance? I'll go get naked, so I can - cover up just for you.
- Uh, no, thanks, but you can tell me where I can find moms Mabley.
Her undressing room is right there to the right.
Miss Mabley, I'm Black Dynamite.
Hot damn, I bet you is.
Come on in.
I won't bite you.
My teeth is way over there.
Now, I ain't got time to explain, but there may be danger lurkin' around each and every nipple - of this titty bar.
- Whatever mother[bleep.]
.
- Is you eating [bleep.]
or not? - Uh, excuse me? Look, you can either lick it stick it, but quit it if you can't do nothin' with it.
If you can do somethin' with it, [bleep.]
come get it! Maybe the bitch should - get kidnapped.
- [bleep.]
it's Black Dynamite.
Run! Oh [bleep.]
man, I'm tired as hell! I thought black people supposed to be sprinters.
This guys doing a goddamn marathon.
What the [bleep.]
is this [bleep.]
.
Where are the "Blackity black black" actors that you kidnapped, and where - are they kidnapped at? - We didn't kidnap nobody, Black Dynamite! All we did was dress up like some bitches so we could ambush Melvin for some dues so we could - get our cable back on! - So, you were the three ugly bitches.
Damn, y'all some sneaky Pumas.
The kidnappers dropped a clue that led me to this club.
- So, if it ain't you, why you here? - Look, man, we just here to enjoy ourselves, throw a couple drawers on the stage, and give a few bitches their dignity back.
Man, I promise! We ain't kidnap nobody! - Then who did it, damn it? Who? - Bill Cosby that's who! We heard the word on the street - that this was his hangout.
- Wait.
Cosby, like jell-o pudding, date-rapin' Cosby? Why would he do it? Word on the street is he's starting a revolution to change black television and film, and that's all I know, man.
What else? What other words were - on that street, damn it? - Okay, okay, the word on the street did say one more thing.
If Cosby can't stop all the black actors from coonin' and jivin' in Hollywood, he said he's gonna kill them all.
Dynamite! Dynamite! Huxtable residence.
Nah, Denise ain't home, sucker, but I got plenty of other hoes that will study with you and suck your Cut! Cut! No! No! No! Theodore would never say "ain't" and "sucker" and "filth flarn filth"! - Just read what's on the paper! - Look, pops, I'm sorry, but my mouth just don't form no square words, you dig? - I got to act like me.
- Look, I am trying to create the most ethical black family show in the world! And I need you to all behave like jell-o pudding-pop eating, coke-and-a-smile-having, colorful-sweater-wearing Huxtables! - Now set up the next scene, please! - Claire! Claire! - [bleep.]
I'm calling you! - I'm coming, sucker.
I was baking some cookies for your raggedy ass.
Bitch, you know I don't want no duncan hines.
I want some of that nookie cookie from - the front door of Your behind.
- Cut! Cut! That's it.
We ain't got to put up with this [bleep.]
let's get the [bleep.]
- out of here.
- You are not going anywhere! It is now clear you will not perform with self-respect and decency, so I have to reprogram you.
It is time for phase two.
Let the reprogramming begin.
Double duhhhh! Dynamite! Dynamite! Okay, on "action," I want you to jump off this six-story building, and hopefully you'll - land on this air mattress, okay? - Okay, okay.
- Wait.
What you say? - Action! Wait.
What the hell? Are these [bleep.]
throwing fruits? Ow! - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - Ugh! - Whoa! - Cut! Cut! Man, I done read every [bleep.]
line in this script from head to toe, and I ain't see no scene where my ass gets hit with a "to-may-to" - or a "to-mah-to"! - Cream Corn, this was a dumb-ass idea.
Black Dynamite, Black Dynamite, where are you? I'll be damned if I'm gonna be killed by a grapefruit or a banana.
Do you know where Bill Cosby is? Do y'all know where Bill Cosby is? Tell me where Bill Cosby is, or I'm-a [Bleep.]
Check the jell-o pudding plant.
I already been to the goddamn jell-o plant.
S-So, I said to the Chinaman, "I threw that shit before I walked in the room!" [bleep.]
y'all.
'cause the cars took them away As you can see, the black community is in an uproar, ladies and gentlemen.
The negro stars have been stolen, and apparently their less-than-talented replacements aren't being received very well.
If only there was a real hero out there that could save these actors, someone that's big, black, and dynamite! But right now, it seems as - though there isn't.
- Man, these black stars really mean a lot to this community.
In the movies, the hero always gets his man.
Why can't I? Maybe Black Dynamite ain't the real blackity, black, black, black hero he thought he was.
Well [bleep.]
you, too! I don't know why the hell my manager would book my nasty ass at a square [bleep.]
club like this, anyway.
Why the long face, honey? You look like you lost your dick.
Nah, I still got my dick, moms Mabley.
What I don't have is Bill Cosby.
He's kidnapped all the black - stars, and I can't find him.
- You lookin' for Bill? Me and Bill go way back to the days of [bleep.]
but the only problem was, he wasn't doin' no [bleep.]
.
In fact, he didn't even want me to talk about [bleep.]
- [bleep.]
that's my whole act.
- So, you can show me where to find him so that Black Dynamite can prove to his community he's the real bad-ass action hero - he knows he is? - Of course, baby.
Thank you, moms Mabley.
Right after you throw me one right quick.
- What? - Hey, with great dick comes great responsibility.
All right, come on, let's hurry this shit up.
Dynamite! Dynamite! - A! - No! No! No! - Now, where is cockroach? - Here I am.
Now, you knows I'm a freak, so get on your knies like "a whora," or I'm gonna have you on the street sellin' that [bleep.]
"doora" to "doora"! That's not the line! You don't say "doora"! The letter is "R"! It's "R," as in "are you stupid?" "Arra" [bleep.]
"arra"! "R.
" "R.
" Are you happy now, mother filth flarn? - "R.
" - Koo-koo-ka-choo! I think they've got it! I'm almost done! Pammy, baby, you are the last one.
You want me to strip? Cool.
No, I want you to put it on! Put it on! Put it on! How could you do this to me? This is so humiliating.
- Bill Cosby, you're a monster! - You look so dignified, baby! Just one more article of clothing, and my mission - will be complete! - Ahh-suey! Dynamite! Dynamite! - Black Dynamite, I'm so glad you're here.
- Uncover those titties, Pam.
Planets that heavenly are meant to be in orbit.
Bill Cosby, your hate for blaxploitation is only outmatched by your zest for - reverse strip treachery.
- Black Dynamite, are you crazy, busting into my place, messing up a perfectly good - reverse strip! - Bill Cosby, unhand those blaxploitation stars, or I'm gonna exploit my black fist in your face, can you dig it? Look behind you it's Sidney Poitier.
You don't expect me to fall for the old "Sidney Poitier behind the back" trick.
That's the oldest trick in the book.
Black Dynamite's been around too long for Now, it seems to me that you need to be reprogrammed, too.
Why are you always scowling? You are scaring white people! - I want you to smile! - I am smiling.
"I am smiling"? No! This is a smile! Duhhhh! Now you will smile! Your electric behavior modification could never work on me 'cause I'm no actor.
I'm a real bad-ass [bleep.]
talking, ass-kickin' [bleep.]
can you dig it? No, I can't dig it, but you can dig these filth flawrns! What the [bleep.]
is a filth flawrn mother[bleep.]
? Dynamite! Dynamite! - No! Not you! - Yeah mother [bleep.]
it's me and my [bleep.]
that you wouldn't eat.
- Dohhh! - You no [bleep.]
suckin' son of a bitch, you ass-face [bleep.]
bitch-ass bumble [bleep.]
bastard, you [bleep.]
face [bleep.]
smokin' douchebag goddamn dick weasel of a [bleep.]
[bleep.]
That's it moms Mabley, keep talkin' - that [Bleep.]
- You ain't nothin' but a rim-jobbing [bleep.]
spittin' black [bleep.]
lip-havin' [bleep.]
suckin son of a bitch! [bleep.]
Didn't I tell you - to wait your ass in the car? - [bleep.]
I can leave your black ass tied up if you want me to.
Not so fast, moms Mabley.
Guess who's coming to dinner.
- Brown hornets! - Man, I hope you actors can act like y'all can really fight.
Just keep cool.
I will handle this.
Hoo-whee! Hoop-hoop! Hoo-whee! Jim Kelly, sit your ass down.
All of you, sit! Sit! Get that [bleep.]
dahhhh! Ahh-Suey! I just wanted [bleep.]
to do - better, Black Dynamite! - Bill Cosby, you can't expect all the black community to be incredibly intelligent, insightful, and hilariously funny comedy men, just like I can't expect them all to be super-bad, ex-C.
I.
A.
, private-eye, ass-kickin' machines like myself.
But with black exploitation movies, at least my [bleep.]
can fantasize about it.
At all, these are the only heroes they got on the big screen.
And even if Hollywood did make a black super hero, they'd probably make him a damn hell spawn or something.
You're right.
You're right, - Dlack Dynamite.
I'm sorry.
- Well, you can still make your little Cosby show, Bill Cosby.
Who knows? It could make a different world for our people in television.
But it ain't gonna happen with - these cats.
Can you dig it? - Dug! Ohh! - It's "arra" [bleep.]
"arra"! - Ohh! Dynamite! Dynamite! Well, you heard it here, folks.
The "Blackity black black black" stars are back! And once again, the black community has big black heroes on the big white screen, thanks to the one and only real hero in the black community, - Black Dynamite.
- Well, now that everything is back to normal, let's finish this "Blackity black black black" movie once and for all! And action! I cannot believe that these filthy flawrns did not want to clean up their act.
Well, more millions - of dollars for me! - Whatever mother[bleep.]
! - Is you eatin' [bleep.]
or not? - Oh! Sorry! [bleep.]
Dynamite! Dynamite!
Melvin van Peebles.
As you know, there have been many great black films "Black caesar," "Blacula," "Black on this sucka," "You blacked my mama," "Who you callin' black?" "Get black Jack," "All that black," and the very popular "Some of my best friends are black.
" But today, right here in the heart of the black community, we begin production on our greatest and blackest film ever, called "Blackity black black black"! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Melvin! I would like to talk to you! Not now, Bill Cosby.
There has never been this much black crammed in a title or a movie before.
You need to come on down to the set right now to meet our most beloved stars and heroes Rudy Ray Moore, Pam Grier, Antonio Fargas, and the main man himself, Mr.
Jim Kelly! Look here, my beautiful white she-devil.
Business has been a little slow for the Black Pumas these days.
But if you could please cut - our cable back on, I would be - Brother Stuey, look at the TV screen! Come witness the most historic film in the making.
You better be there or be square, baby! I can't believe this sucker is filming in our community.
- And he ain't pay us a dime! - And we want all 10 pennies, too! Dynamite! Dynamite! He's Dynamite So Dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh, aaahhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, Dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! This week Come witness the most historic film in Black Dynamite, I can't believe you don't want to go down there and see the biggest, - blackest movie stars ever.
- What's the big deal about seeing "Blackity black black black" actors on the movie screen.
When we live the lives of real blackity, black, black, black [bleep.]
every day? Damn, Blacky D, how come because you don't ever like to do [bleep.]
we all can't like to do [bleep.]
I tell you what you can like your ass gettin' whupped for callin' me "Blacky D" again.
I bet you would make a bad-ass movie star, Black Dynamite.
Mm-hmm! This is true.
Me and old Melvin go way back, all the way - back to the days of [bleep.]
.
- The days of truckin'? I didn't know you liked truckin', Black Dynamite.
- I love those horns.
Toot, toot! - Not the days of truckin' - the days of [Bleep.]
- Man, in those days, we [bleep.]
in cars, bars, trees, and even under the sea.
I [bleep.]
a bitch on top of the Empire state building! Look, somebody's robbing Roscoe's bean pies and pork rinds! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Cut! Cut! - Oops.
- And skeeted on the Statue of liberty! Black Dynamite, I should have known.
Take 10, everybody, and let's get some of these dead stunt men out of here.
Oh, man, I haven't seen you - since the days of truckin'.
- You mean [Bleep.]
.
Yeah, I always get those two mixed up.
How's it swinging? - Low like a sweet chariot.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.
Sorry about killing and/or mortally wounding - all your stunt men.
- Don't worry.
These [bleep.]
love to die.
So, this must be the infamous Black Dynamite crew I've heard so much about.
In the flesh! My name's Cream Corn, certified pimp and rest haven for hoes.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Come on, let me introduce you to our stars.
Hey, you look just like me.
Or do I look just like you? Or did your daddy - [bleep.]
my mama? - Melvin van P, who the [bleep.]
is he supposed to be? Rudy Ray Moore is my name, and [bleep.]
up - mother[bleep.]
is my game.
- Well, Rudy, you might be the man on the silver screen, but Bullhorn's - the meanest [bleep.]
you ever did seen.
- Why, you born-insecure [bleep.]
I made Godzilla suck my [bleep.]
while King Kong held the balls.
I whupped a skyscraper's ass and made - all the london bridges fall.
- Man, I ate an oil tanker, and it didn't give me gas.
I walked by the devil and burnt his ass.
I swam in the sun and skinny-dipped on the moon.
I [bleep.]
Uranus in her ass and made the bitch crawl to Neptune.
- [Bleep.]
you! - Okay, okay, that's enough, Rudy.
- Save that [bleep.]
for the film.
- Black Dynamite, this got to be breaking some kind of copyright rules or something.
This bitch looks just like me, except for them little titties.
Look, I'm sure that any of these characters' similarities to anyone alive or dead is purely coincidental.
Right, Melvin? Uh, uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah.
That's right, baby.
I looked him right in his little Chinese eyes and said, "[bleep.]
Mr.
Han Man!" Jim Kelly, Black Dynamite.
- Black Dynamite, Jim Kelly.
- Melvin, the similarities between Jim Kelly and Black Dynamite cannot be - purely coincidental.
- Oh, okay, you got me.
I Look, Melvin, I got no time for male groupies, you dig? Man, you look like you come right out of a comic book.
Look here, Jim Kelly.
Black Dynamite is blacker than the ace of spades and more of a star than you and this whole black cast put together.
And while you in front of them movie cameras pretending to [bleep.]
up suckers and stick it to the man, I'm in the streets for real, protecting the community and taking out any jive-ass turkey that gets in my way.
Now, I suggest you shut the [bleep.]
up when a real black hero is telling you to shut the [bleep.]
up! - Um - Black Dynamite, suddenly, I would like to leave your island.
I love it when he talks in movie lines.
- Mr.
van Peebles! Mr.
van Peebles! - Hey, my assistant, young Spike Lee.
- What's shakin', baby? - You're gonna be late to your is running right into your - your [bleep.]
suck at 4:00.
- Okay, okay, put them all together.
Hey, show business calls.
Why don't y'all hang around for a while? We got free Roscoe's buttery - bitches and waffles, all you can eat.
- I don't know, Melvin.
Free Roscoe's bitches and waffles? You know I like my bitches buttery, Black Dynamite.
Waffles, bitches, butter, all that! By the way, Bill Cosby left you a bunch of messages.
You might want to listen to them.
Ohhhh, it's me, Bill Cosby.
Hey, um, Melvin, I had some concerns about the film.
Cosby again.
Can you call me back? I have concerns about the mov me back, please? The movie dying to talk to you like a civilized Call me ba Filth flarn flarn! Hey, Melv filth flarn Ohh! Oh, yeah, I almost forgot there's three girls here that said you promised - them an audition.
- Alright.
They got five minutes.
Send them in.
All right, girls, I only have a couple of roles left, so the competition - is stiff.
- Put the dick away, Melvin.
- We ain't come here for that.
- We didn't?! Black Puma leader Stuey Fig Newton and two other members of the Black Puma party? How did y'all get in here? Disguised as three bitches that want to [bleep.]
you.
- That's how.
- Damn, y'all Pumas are some - sneaky bitches.
- Wait.
So, we not [bleep.]
? You know the shakedown rules, brother.
You don't as much as take a [bleep.]
in our community without paying us before you wipe your ass.
Come on, Stuey.
I'm always paying you Pumas.
- Damn, how much does the revolution cost? - This ain't for no revolution, sucker.
- It's for our cable bill.
- Sh-Sh-Sh-Shut up.
Little Spike Lee, I suggest you do the right thing and tell me what the [bleep.]
y'all are doing around my car.
I'm sorry, Black Dynamite, but sensei Jim Kelly says he likes your car and that he wants to drive it in the movie.
Sensei Jim Kelly is about to drive - my foot up his ass.
- When it comes, I won't even notice.
- And why is that? - Because I will be too busy lookin' good.
Come on, man.
That's all I got.
I put every penny I had into this "Blackity black black black" film! Well, I guess that's your blackity, black, black ass! - Suey! - # Dynamite! Dynamite! # Sorry, Melvin, I didn't mean to interrupt your ménage-a-four and destroy your trailer and put my foot up your black star's ass, but that turkey was way out of line.
No problem.
These bitches were just leaving, Unless of course they want to hang around and give - you some action, too.
- No, that's okay.
- Bye, Melvin! I'll see you soon! - Don't call me! - I'll call you, bitches! - Let's get this straight.
- Are we [bleep.]
him or not? - Look Melvin, maybe Black Dynamite's just too real to be around [bleep.]
who act like they're real.
I think we're gonna go.
Are you kidding me, man? I could use a real bad-ass like you around here, jack, for, uh, inspiration.
Dynamite! Dynamite! Bitch, you know my balls - don't wear cotton drawers.
- Mr.
Moore, your hair is - needed in hair in 10 minutes.
- I'm comin' mother[bleep.]
! Mrs.
Grier, your titties are needed in m Ah! Ah! Sensei Kelly? I'm comin'.
Still tryin' to get Black Dynamite's shoe out my ass.
Ohh! All right, quiet on the set! Okay, Antonio, this the big scene where your mama has been on the stroll all day, but she ain't got your money.
So, why don't you give her - a little motivation? - Now, do you want a 45-degree "Cleopatra Jones" slap, or you want a "Come back, Charleston blue" upper slap? Whatever you think she deserves, baby! - Just make it look real.
- Cool.
And action! Action! Action! What the [bleep.]
is going on in there? Mr.
van Peebles, all of our black stars are gone! Ain't nobody seen nothin'! Nobody, nobody, nobody! No-No-Nobody! You will not say filth flawrin flawrin filth in front of people ever again! Duhhhh! Dynamite! Dynamite! Hmm? Now, this is some heavy shit.
- Oh, man, what am I gonna do? - I can only imagine how much money was spent on this movie, Melvin.
[bleep.]
the money! Do you know how much [bleep.]
- I would have got? - Don't count that [bleep.]
out yet, Melvin.
I found a clue.
The Reverse strip club? - Now, this is some heavy shit.
- Some heavy shit.
I know.
There's a good chance that whoever likes to watch funky moose knuckles slide up and down poles at this joint also kidnapped your black stars.
Don't worry, Melvin.
I'm gonna show you how a real action hero saves the day.
I'm on the case.
Thanks, Black Dynamite, but who knows how long that'll take? I still need to stay on schedule.
Well [bleep.]
we look just like them.
Maybe we can stand in for a while.
- That's a dumb-ass idea, Cream Corn.
- That's a great idea, Cream Corn.
Fellas, we have our new stars.
Get them in makeup pronto.
Welcome to the Cosby coon removal program.
In 24 hours, you will be converted from self-degrading blaxploitation film stars to upstanding, intelligent, dignified representatives of the black race.
And blaxploitation will be a thing of the past! Now, here are the scripts for my new show that will represent a clean, wholesome image of the black community that you will all be starring in, called "The Huxtables.
" - Any questions? - Well, what if we say no? Brown Hornet? Now, Cream Corn, this should be easy for you, being that you are a real pimp.
Now, your line is, "bitch, where's my money?" - Uh, uh, okay.
- And action! Um, girl I-I-I mean, bitch, um well, I ain't mean to call you bitch, but, uh, could you give - me my money, please? - Cut! Moms Mabley? Hmm.
She just "Mabley" be next.
I should check it out.
Coming to the stage is a beautiful, wretched hoe that has turned every trick in the book, but is now lookin' for some self-respect, y'all.
Give it up for Anti-biotica! put on that big blouse these words is mighty keep your titties from falling out Say, mama, is it me, or are those cats paying - chicks to put their clothes on? - That's the deal, daddy.
Here we get paid to respect ourselves.
You want a private dance? I'll go get naked, so I can - cover up just for you.
- Uh, no, thanks, but you can tell me where I can find moms Mabley.
Her undressing room is right there to the right.
Miss Mabley, I'm Black Dynamite.
Hot damn, I bet you is.
Come on in.
I won't bite you.
My teeth is way over there.
Now, I ain't got time to explain, but there may be danger lurkin' around each and every nipple - of this titty bar.
- Whatever mother[bleep.]
.
- Is you eating [bleep.]
or not? - Uh, excuse me? Look, you can either lick it stick it, but quit it if you can't do nothin' with it.
If you can do somethin' with it, [bleep.]
come get it! Maybe the bitch should - get kidnapped.
- [bleep.]
it's Black Dynamite.
Run! Oh [bleep.]
man, I'm tired as hell! I thought black people supposed to be sprinters.
This guys doing a goddamn marathon.
What the [bleep.]
is this [bleep.]
.
Where are the "Blackity black black" actors that you kidnapped, and where - are they kidnapped at? - We didn't kidnap nobody, Black Dynamite! All we did was dress up like some bitches so we could ambush Melvin for some dues so we could - get our cable back on! - So, you were the three ugly bitches.
Damn, y'all some sneaky Pumas.
The kidnappers dropped a clue that led me to this club.
- So, if it ain't you, why you here? - Look, man, we just here to enjoy ourselves, throw a couple drawers on the stage, and give a few bitches their dignity back.
Man, I promise! We ain't kidnap nobody! - Then who did it, damn it? Who? - Bill Cosby that's who! We heard the word on the street - that this was his hangout.
- Wait.
Cosby, like jell-o pudding, date-rapin' Cosby? Why would he do it? Word on the street is he's starting a revolution to change black television and film, and that's all I know, man.
What else? What other words were - on that street, damn it? - Okay, okay, the word on the street did say one more thing.
If Cosby can't stop all the black actors from coonin' and jivin' in Hollywood, he said he's gonna kill them all.
Dynamite! Dynamite! Huxtable residence.
Nah, Denise ain't home, sucker, but I got plenty of other hoes that will study with you and suck your Cut! Cut! No! No! No! Theodore would never say "ain't" and "sucker" and "filth flarn filth"! - Just read what's on the paper! - Look, pops, I'm sorry, but my mouth just don't form no square words, you dig? - I got to act like me.
- Look, I am trying to create the most ethical black family show in the world! And I need you to all behave like jell-o pudding-pop eating, coke-and-a-smile-having, colorful-sweater-wearing Huxtables! - Now set up the next scene, please! - Claire! Claire! - [bleep.]
I'm calling you! - I'm coming, sucker.
I was baking some cookies for your raggedy ass.
Bitch, you know I don't want no duncan hines.
I want some of that nookie cookie from - the front door of Your behind.
- Cut! Cut! That's it.
We ain't got to put up with this [bleep.]
let's get the [bleep.]
- out of here.
- You are not going anywhere! It is now clear you will not perform with self-respect and decency, so I have to reprogram you.
It is time for phase two.
Let the reprogramming begin.
Double duhhhh! Dynamite! Dynamite! Okay, on "action," I want you to jump off this six-story building, and hopefully you'll - land on this air mattress, okay? - Okay, okay.
- Wait.
What you say? - Action! Wait.
What the hell? Are these [bleep.]
throwing fruits? Ow! - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - Ugh! - Whoa! - Cut! Cut! Man, I done read every [bleep.]
line in this script from head to toe, and I ain't see no scene where my ass gets hit with a "to-may-to" - or a "to-mah-to"! - Cream Corn, this was a dumb-ass idea.
Black Dynamite, Black Dynamite, where are you? I'll be damned if I'm gonna be killed by a grapefruit or a banana.
Do you know where Bill Cosby is? Do y'all know where Bill Cosby is? Tell me where Bill Cosby is, or I'm-a [Bleep.]
Check the jell-o pudding plant.
I already been to the goddamn jell-o plant.
S-So, I said to the Chinaman, "I threw that shit before I walked in the room!" [bleep.]
y'all.
'cause the cars took them away As you can see, the black community is in an uproar, ladies and gentlemen.
The negro stars have been stolen, and apparently their less-than-talented replacements aren't being received very well.
If only there was a real hero out there that could save these actors, someone that's big, black, and dynamite! But right now, it seems as - though there isn't.
- Man, these black stars really mean a lot to this community.
In the movies, the hero always gets his man.
Why can't I? Maybe Black Dynamite ain't the real blackity, black, black, black hero he thought he was.
Well [bleep.]
you, too! I don't know why the hell my manager would book my nasty ass at a square [bleep.]
club like this, anyway.
Why the long face, honey? You look like you lost your dick.
Nah, I still got my dick, moms Mabley.
What I don't have is Bill Cosby.
He's kidnapped all the black - stars, and I can't find him.
- You lookin' for Bill? Me and Bill go way back to the days of [bleep.]
but the only problem was, he wasn't doin' no [bleep.]
.
In fact, he didn't even want me to talk about [bleep.]
- [bleep.]
that's my whole act.
- So, you can show me where to find him so that Black Dynamite can prove to his community he's the real bad-ass action hero - he knows he is? - Of course, baby.
Thank you, moms Mabley.
Right after you throw me one right quick.
- What? - Hey, with great dick comes great responsibility.
All right, come on, let's hurry this shit up.
Dynamite! Dynamite! - A! - No! No! No! - Now, where is cockroach? - Here I am.
Now, you knows I'm a freak, so get on your knies like "a whora," or I'm gonna have you on the street sellin' that [bleep.]
"doora" to "doora"! That's not the line! You don't say "doora"! The letter is "R"! It's "R," as in "are you stupid?" "Arra" [bleep.]
"arra"! "R.
" "R.
" Are you happy now, mother filth flarn? - "R.
" - Koo-koo-ka-choo! I think they've got it! I'm almost done! Pammy, baby, you are the last one.
You want me to strip? Cool.
No, I want you to put it on! Put it on! Put it on! How could you do this to me? This is so humiliating.
- Bill Cosby, you're a monster! - You look so dignified, baby! Just one more article of clothing, and my mission - will be complete! - Ahh-suey! Dynamite! Dynamite! - Black Dynamite, I'm so glad you're here.
- Uncover those titties, Pam.
Planets that heavenly are meant to be in orbit.
Bill Cosby, your hate for blaxploitation is only outmatched by your zest for - reverse strip treachery.
- Black Dynamite, are you crazy, busting into my place, messing up a perfectly good - reverse strip! - Bill Cosby, unhand those blaxploitation stars, or I'm gonna exploit my black fist in your face, can you dig it? Look behind you it's Sidney Poitier.
You don't expect me to fall for the old "Sidney Poitier behind the back" trick.
That's the oldest trick in the book.
Black Dynamite's been around too long for Now, it seems to me that you need to be reprogrammed, too.
Why are you always scowling? You are scaring white people! - I want you to smile! - I am smiling.
"I am smiling"? No! This is a smile! Duhhhh! Now you will smile! Your electric behavior modification could never work on me 'cause I'm no actor.
I'm a real bad-ass [bleep.]
talking, ass-kickin' [bleep.]
can you dig it? No, I can't dig it, but you can dig these filth flawrns! What the [bleep.]
is a filth flawrn mother[bleep.]
? Dynamite! Dynamite! - No! Not you! - Yeah mother [bleep.]
it's me and my [bleep.]
that you wouldn't eat.
- Dohhh! - You no [bleep.]
suckin' son of a bitch, you ass-face [bleep.]
bitch-ass bumble [bleep.]
bastard, you [bleep.]
face [bleep.]
smokin' douchebag goddamn dick weasel of a [bleep.]
[bleep.]
That's it moms Mabley, keep talkin' - that [Bleep.]
- You ain't nothin' but a rim-jobbing [bleep.]
spittin' black [bleep.]
lip-havin' [bleep.]
suckin son of a bitch! [bleep.]
Didn't I tell you - to wait your ass in the car? - [bleep.]
I can leave your black ass tied up if you want me to.
Not so fast, moms Mabley.
Guess who's coming to dinner.
- Brown hornets! - Man, I hope you actors can act like y'all can really fight.
Just keep cool.
I will handle this.
Hoo-whee! Hoop-hoop! Hoo-whee! Jim Kelly, sit your ass down.
All of you, sit! Sit! Get that [bleep.]
dahhhh! Ahh-Suey! I just wanted [bleep.]
to do - better, Black Dynamite! - Bill Cosby, you can't expect all the black community to be incredibly intelligent, insightful, and hilariously funny comedy men, just like I can't expect them all to be super-bad, ex-C.
I.
A.
, private-eye, ass-kickin' machines like myself.
But with black exploitation movies, at least my [bleep.]
can fantasize about it.
At all, these are the only heroes they got on the big screen.
And even if Hollywood did make a black super hero, they'd probably make him a damn hell spawn or something.
You're right.
You're right, - Dlack Dynamite.
I'm sorry.
- Well, you can still make your little Cosby show, Bill Cosby.
Who knows? It could make a different world for our people in television.
But it ain't gonna happen with - these cats.
Can you dig it? - Dug! Ohh! - It's "arra" [bleep.]
"arra"! - Ohh! Dynamite! Dynamite! Well, you heard it here, folks.
The "Blackity black black black" stars are back! And once again, the black community has big black heroes on the big white screen, thanks to the one and only real hero in the black community, - Black Dynamite.
- Well, now that everything is back to normal, let's finish this "Blackity black black black" movie once and for all! And action! I cannot believe that these filthy flawrns did not want to clean up their act.
Well, more millions - of dollars for me! - Whatever mother[bleep.]
! - Is you eatin' [bleep.]
or not? - Oh! Sorry! [bleep.]
Dynamite! Dynamite!