Blackadder s02e05 Episode Script

I must say it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast.
It is said that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company.
Through learned discourse, he may rise above savage and closer to God.
Yes, I've heard that.
I like to start the day with a dickhead to remind me I'm best.
Beshrew me, Edmund! You're in good fooling.
Don't say "beshrew me", Only stupid actors say that.
Oh, how I would love to be an actor! I had great talent for it.
I was the man of a thousand faces.
How'd you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now? - Tush, My Lord.
- Don't say "tush" either.
It's a short step from "tush" to "hey nonny" and then, I'm afraid, I should have to call the police.
God pats me on the head and says: "Good boy, Edmund!" My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder the two most fanatical puritans in England have invited themselves to dinner here tonight.
Aren't they the most frightful bores? They have one great redeeming feature; their wallets.
More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and as difficult to get into.
At least until now, for tonight they wish to discuss my inheritance.
Hey nonny nonny, My Lord! Good news! Baldrick! Why have you got cheese tied to the end of your nose? To catch mice, My Lord.
I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.
- And do they? - Not yet, My Lord.
I'm not surprised.
Your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom.
The only mouse you're going to catch is one without a nose.
That's a pity, the nose is the best bit on a mouse.
That would be luxury compared to what Percy and I must eat tonight.
We are entertaining puritan vegetable folk, Balders.
- And that means no meat.
- Then I shall make Turnip Surprise.
- And the surprise is? - There's nothing in it except turnip.
So, the Turnip Surprise would be a turnip.
Oh yeah Get the door, Baldrick.
If things go as planned, congratulations are in order.
Nice try, Percy.
But you're not getting a penny.
I would advise you to make your explanation phenomenally good.
- You said: "Get the door".
- You're fired.
But, My Lord, I've been in your family since 1532! So has syphilis.
Now get out! By the way, there was a messenger outside.
He says the Queen wants to see you; Lord Melchett is very sick.
- He's at Death's door.
- My old reinstated family retainer.
Let's go and open it for him, then! Edmund! Quick! Melchett's dying.
We must do something! Yes, of course.
Some sort of celebration.
But let's wait until he's actually snuffed it.
Nursie's old methods don't seem to be working.
It all started last night at about two o'clock.
I was tucked into bed having a scrummy dream about ponies when I was wakened by a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.
I never knew he had it in him.
It's true! He was banging on the castle gate, falling over And singing a strange song about a girl who possessed something Oh, yes.
It's a lovely old hymn.
I think I know what's wrong with Lord Melchett.
And unfortunately, it isn't fatal.
Hurry up and cure the horrible man.
I'm fed up with him moaning.
And letting off such great and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs.
One can't believe one's tiny nosy.
The truth is, Lord Melchett just can't take his ale.
I may be a little delicate this morning, but what I drank last night - would have floored a rhinoceros! - If it was allergic to lemonade.
It's Blackadder here who can't take his ale.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah! This is so exciting! The boys are getting tough.
We all remember the embarrassment of the visit of the King of Austria when Blackadder was found naked at Hampton Court singing: "I'm Merlin the Happy Pig!" So what did you have last night? A whole pint of potato juice? I had two flagons of claret and a double helping of curried turtle! It's no holds barred with us at the annual communion-wine tasting.
For me and the boys, every night is drinking night! - Says who? - Says me! You should come and have a look at the underside of my table.
- Tonight! - Tonight? Yeah! Come on, Melchy.
What are you scared of? All right, tonight.
I'll be there.
Hurray! And last one under the table gets Ten thousand florins from the loser.
Right.
Well, I'll get the beer in then.
Nursie.
- Do you know what I'm going to do? - What? I'm going to find out what happens at these boys' nights.
- Good idea, poppet.
- And I'll wear a cloak with a cowl, so no-one will recognise me.
You're so clever today, you better be careful your foot doesn't fall off.
Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas? It certainly does.
My brother, he had this brilliant idea of cutting his toenails with a scythe and his foot fell off.
The person we're looking for is an aggressive drunken lout with intelligence of a four year old and sexual sophistication of a donkey.
- Cardinal Wolsey - Baldrick! My Lord? Why? I got fed up with the all-mouse diet.
Thought I'd try cat for variety.
Good, well done.
Returning to the real world: do you have a knife? Good.
I wish to quickly send off some party invitations.
I wish to write them in blood.
Your blood, to be precise.
How much blood will you be requiring? Oh, nothing much.
Just a small puddle.
Will you want me to cut anything off? An arm or a leg for instance? Good lord, no.
A little prick should do.
Very well, My Lord.
I am your bondsman and must obey.
For God's sake! A little prick on your finger.
- I haven't got one there! - Forget it.
Thank you, My Lord.
Perce, how's this list going? I thought we could invite my girlfriend, Gwendoline - No chicks.
Who else? - That's as far as I'd got, actually.
I'll dictate.
First: Simon Partridge.
Oh, not Farter's Parters, also known as Mr Ostrich.
- Even he - But he's a fearful oik! Takes one to know one, Perce.
Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle.
Here's-To-The-Health-Of Cardinal-Chunder Piddle? Thirdly: Freddie Frobisher, the Flatulent Hermit of Lindisfarne.
Oh, paugh paugh! - That should do the trick.
- And Lord and Lady Whiteadder.
Oh, yes.
Oh, no.
It does look a teeny bit like trying to get out of it.
No, Ma'am.
I just want to make it another night.
- Certainly not! - I beg your pardon? It's just one excuse after another.
Next thing, he'll be trying to get out of having his bath.
He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.
Well, he should be.
How else is he going to keep clean? Soon he'll be saying he doesn't want his nappy changed! Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.
In that case, it's even more important that he has a bath! I know why you want to get out of it.
I remember the last party.
I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing.
Yes, all right! Tonight it is.
Oh, Edmund.
I do love it when you get cross.
Sometimes I think of executing you to see the expression on your face.
Let's make sure you've got this.
We're having two parties here tonight.
And they must be kept completely separate.
Firstly, a total piss-up involving beer throwing, broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting.
To be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.
Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet turnip eating.
- Is the Turnip Surprise ready? - Yes, it is My Lord.
- Then what is so funny? - Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise We had a surprise! We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape As a thingy! A thingy? A great big thingy! It was terrific.
Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick.
Horses are well endowed, but it doesn't make them sensitive lovers.
I trust you have removed this hilarious item? Nothing stops an inheritance like a thingy-shaped turnip.
Absolutely, Edmund.
But it was jolly funny! I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, 'cause I've got a thingy shaped like a turnip.
I'm quite fun at parties! I hide in the vegetable rack and scare children.
Perhaps you've forgotten I'm having a drinking competition tonight with Lord Melchett, and ten thousand florins are at stake! - Oh dear! - What do you mean? Firstly: you haven't got ten thousand florins.
And thirdly: one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face.
That's nonsense.
But just in case it's true - It is true.
- Yes, all right! The plan is: when I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale you must pass me water in an ale bottle.
Got that? When you call for ale, I pass water.
Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.
I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman.
Right, here goes.
Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How nice it is to see you.
Wicked child! Don't lie.
Everyone hates us, and you know it.
May I introduce my friend Lord Percy.
Well, well, well, Eddy! You didn't tell me you had such a good-looking aunt! Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness! I know what I like, and I like what I see.
Be gone, Satan! I hope you had a pleasant inheritance Did I say "inheritance"? I meant journey.
If you'd just like to help yourself to a legacy a chair.
Chair? You have chairs in your house? Wicked child! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our home, Nathaniel sits on a spike.
- And yourself? - I sit on Nathaniel.
Two spikes would be an extravagance.
I will suffer comfort this once.
We shall just have to stick forks in our legs between courses.
I trust you remember we eat no meat? Here we feast only on God's lovely turnip, mashed.
Mashed?! Wicked child! Mashing is also the work of Beelzebub.
For Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.
I shall have my turnip as God intended.
- Baldrick! - My Lord? Would you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip? - We've only got the one that - Just do it.
Thank you.
Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as God intended? He will not answer you, he has taken a vow of silence.
I believe that silence is golden.
Inheritance.
Edmund! I trust you have invited no other guests? Where there are other guests there are people to fornicate with! Well, quite.
I'll just go and tell them to fornicate off.
Lord Percy.
Well, Lord Whiteadder, a vow of silence That's quite an interesting thing.
Tell me about it.
Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, Eddy-Baby.
Happy Birthday to you! It's not my birthday, Archdeacon! Well, get stuck in, boys.
Stuck in! Way-hey! Get it? Well, it sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? Stuck in! Sorry, back in a tick.
A tick! Now that sounds a bit rude, doesn't it? Sounds a bit like bum! Melchett! Late I see, to avoid the early drinking.
You really are a beginner.
You forgot your comedy breasts! Au contraire, Blackadder.
Let's wait until we get down to the serious drinking.
No, it's this way.
Here we are.
- Good evening.
- Lads, this is Lord Melchett.
- Give him a large one, will you? - Large one! Way-hey! Get it? Yes, you do! Large one! Sounds a bit rude.
You may find the conversation a bit above your head at first.
Well, down the hatch! - I heard there was a party on.
- No, there are two.
But I'm a friend of Lord Percy.
You must be Gwendoline! Come in.
- Thank you very much.
- It's in here.
I'm sorry about that.
Sorry, he's sick.
Leprosy of the brain.
Or he is trying to tell you you're wearing a pair of Devil's dumplings.
Oh my God.
My earmuffs have fallen down! It's getting Would you like a pair? Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics! - Which reminds me, Aunty - Don't call me "Aunty"! Aunt is a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table.
- Or, indeed, any table.
- Except a table in a brothel.
Oh dear.
It seems you have fallen off your chair.
Oh my God! Your turnip, my Lady.
Very good! Very good! It takes me right back to our wedding night.
We had raw turnips that night.
- What was that? - What was what? - That noise! - Noise? - Did you hear a noise, Percy? - No.
Apart from that colossal drunken roar.
Oh, that noise! It's the Catholics next door, I'm afraid.
I'll just go and burn them.
Back in a minute.
- Yes? - I'm suffocating! Now take a deep breath.
And another.
Better? - Yes.
- Good.
Mind you, I'll say one thing for Catholics.
They do have natural rhythm! - I notice you're not drinking.
- I'm holding my own here.
Way-hey! Holding my own! Now that sounds incredibly rude.
Yes, well.
I never went to university, of course.
It doesn't explain why you're not drinking with us.
That's what I wanted to talk about.
What do you say to the idea of ten minutes silence to get some really serious drinking in? Yes, I said: "Please give me silence".
Not: "Drench me with dribble".
- Here's a nice glass of cider.
- Only cider? I'm going to go and put some brandy in it! - How are we all going, then? - Not well! Let us discuss your inheritance.
- A little drink first? - Wicked child! Drink is urine for the last leper in Hell! No, this is only water.
This is a house of simple purity.
Great booze-up, Edmund! Do you know that man? No.
- He called you Edmund? - Oh, know him.
Yes, I do.
Then can you explain what he meant by great booze-up? Yes, I can.
My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe.
His name is Great Bu.
He's been suffering from sleeping sickness.
And he has obviously just woken because as you heard: "Great Bu's up".
Well done, Edmund.
I think I'd better go and visit him.
Perce, over to you.
Yes.
How about some sort of game? How about a couple of frames of Shove-Piggy-Shove? You challenged me to a drinking competition and I haven't seen you touch a drop! You twist and turn like a twisty-turny thing.
I say you're a weedy pigeon, and you can call me Susan if it isn't so.
All right! Baldrick, fetch my Incredibly Strong Ale! Good God! Not Dr McGloo's Amber Enema? - A drink for schoolgirls.
- Not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy? No! It is Blackadder's Bowel Basher.
A brew guaranteed to knock the backsides off a concrete elephant! - Naw! It is water.
- What! No, but seriously, Baldrick.
You did call for your Incredibly Strong Ale, My Lord? That's a relief.
I thought I'd made a mistake.
My God, he is right.
It is water! Come on, lads.
Let's give him a real drink.
- Well, fine.
- Bums up! Way-hey! Bums! Sounds a bit like bums, doesn't it? Drink, Blackadder.
Drink! Percy, I've lost the bet.
Edmund! Explain yourself.
I can't.
Not just like that.
I'm a complicated person, you see.
Sometimes I'm nice and sometimes I'm nasty.
And sometimes I just like to sing little songs like: "See the little goblin" I mean, explain why you are wearing a cardinal's hat, why you are grinning inanely and why you have a feather sticking out of your britches.
I'm wearing a cardinal's hat because I'm Cardinal Chunder.
I have an ostrich feather up my bottom because Mr Ostrich put it there to keep in the little pixies.
And I'm grinning inanely because I think I've succeeded in conning you and your husband out of a whopping great inheritance! Is that right? May I remind you, cursed creature that your inheritance depends upon your not drinking or gambling.
Damn! Percy, the Devil farts in my face once more.
Not mentioning farts was also a condition.
Shove off, you old trout! How dare you speak to my husband like that! Nathaniel, we're leaving! - And you - Yes? Has anyone told you you're a giggling imbecile? - Oh, yes.
- Good! Good riddance, you old witch! She's forgotten her broomstick! Look I just wanted to say thanks for a splendid evening.
Yes, first rate, all round.
Particularly your jester.
By the way, I loved the turnip.
Very funny.
Exactly the same shape as a thingy! Good God! - Look who it is! - Who is it? Well, it's a boys' party.
She's a girl, so she must be the stripper.
Oh, no.
Don't get too depressed, Edmund.
I mean, money isn't everything.
Think of clouds and daisies and the lovely smiles on little babies' faces.
Be quiet, Percy.
This way! Whoa! Another stripper! And a male stripper! Oh, yes.
This is much more like it! And she's come dressed as the Queen! Sexy! Do you know who I am? Yes.
I know who you are.
- Who? - You're Merlin the Happy Pig! Wrong, I'm afraid.
I am the Queen of England! I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant.
- Prove it! - I certainly will.
First I'm going to have a little drinky and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you.
Dawn the next day See the little goblin See his little feet And his little nosy-wose Isn't the goblin sweet? - Yes! - Wait a minute! I'm sure there was something important I had to do this morning.
I remember something about ten thousand florins.
I think it was something about an inheritance.
Do you lot want to hear about the goblin or not? Perhaps I might be allowed to continue and perhaps finish, with any luck.
Luck! Way-hey.
- Get it? - No! Oh, come on! Luck.
Sounds almost exactly like Blackadder, couldn't hold his beer The art of boozing he's not master And I, your merryy balladeer Am also well and truly plastered Blackadder! Blackadder! A bit like Robin Hood Blackadder! Blackadder! But nothing like as good Blackadder! Blackadder! I thought that he had died Blackadder! Blackadder! Our writers must have lied.