Borderline (2016) s02e05 Episode Script
Inspection
1 [Mo.]
Tell them what my biggest fear is.
[Suj.]
Being hit by a block of frozen piss.
Frozen blocks of piss, biggest silent killer known to man.
When you go into the aeroplane now, you have a little wee wee, that wee wee goes into an unpressurised compartment.
-What temperature is it? -It's like minus 50.
Minus 50.
So the wee wee freezes now.
This one time that compartment on the aeroplane blew up, alright? And this frozen block of piss comes hurtling towards planet Earth.
Bap! Hits this tractor man sitting on his tractor, dead.
-I mean, dead, innit? -Totally dead from the piss.
Properly dead, you understand? What happens next? -The piss melts.
-The piss melts so the federales turn up now thinking, "Rah, what's happened to this guy?" You know what happened? They thought it was death by piss, you understand? Thought he'd just raggo pissed himself to death.
It was a crazy situation.
Bruv, are you listening? -Yeah.
-I forgot what I was saying.
No doubt about it I'm on my way Taking over I'm here to sta-ay-ay We're teaming together That's what I say-ay-ay One way to do this Taking over today! We're taking over We're taking over today In the modern era, it's not enough for an organisation to perform competently, it also has to maintain an active social media profile.
Northend Airport is no different.
Now I need somebody to take over our Twitter account.
We haven't done a Tweet for two years and the last one said, "Northend Airport Twitter account now live.
-Hashtag up and running".
-Good Tweet.
We need to up our game.
So who's going to volunteer? -Tariq, why don't you do it? -Er, why don't you do it? -Oh, I can't do it.
I'm not allowed on social media.
-Why? Because my daughter says if I go on Twitter, she'll kill herself.
-Huh, is that? No.
-OK, Clive.
Sure, thank you.
[laughs.]
Great.
-Do I get a work phone? -No.
-Like a badge or a sash? -No.
-That's a hard no? -Yep.
It's time for our annual inspection and the bad news is, it's Mary Parfitt.
-[groans.]
-Yep, so I'm not dealing with her on my own.
I need somebody to help me.
So on your feet, everyone, let's draw straws.
Sorry, I'm late.
Or not.
[Andy.]
I'm not late.
I'm never late.
This morning, I was late because I was helping my neighbour out cos she lost her cat and I thought, "It's fine, cos I'll get good karma.
" But then karma's bullshit.
Having willingly volunteered, Agent Church heads to Proctor's office to discuss the best qualities of the imminent inspector Mary Parfitt.
-She's not that bad.
-No, not that bad.
-Yeah.
-No.
She's not that bad.
Meanwhile, Agent Brodie appears restless.
It seems he has something to discuss with Agent Mansoor.
Alright, Tariq? -Hey, man.
-Hey.
What did you get up to last night? Nothing much, just a bit of Netflix.
-Netflix, cool.
-Yeah.
Netflix and chill? -What about you, Grant? -Funny you should ask actually.
Erm, yeah, a little bit of development in the old arena of love.
You've finally been right swiped? Bit ofyeah? No, man.
Last night, I was, erm I was feeling a wee bit lonely and Don't judge me on this.
But I, er I called Dasha.
Remember Dasha? My ex-girlfriend who moved back to the Ukraine.
Yeah, silly, I know.
Anyway, turns out she's moved out.
This girl Katja lives at the flat.
We got talking, right.
Turns out that we've got loads in common.
we're both the same star sign, we've both got brothers.
-We were talking for ages.
-I'm happy for you, man.
-Thanks.
-What's with you and these Ukrainians, eh? Cooking with wine, Tariq, you know, cooking with wine.
Meanwhile, during an unusually quiet period at passport control, Agent Hassler gets to grips with his Twitter responsibilities.
I did feel kind of nervous at first, you know.
The first Tweet is a big responsibility.
I Tweeted, erm, er "Passport control at Northend Airport".
"Doors functioning properly at Northend Airport passport control, lovely".
[coughs.]
"This is the breakfast of a border guard when they're on passport control at Northend Airport".
"This is the uniform that I wear.
I'm Clive".
[coughs.]
"This is the stamp that we use at passport control, Northend Airport, hashtag stamp".
[coughs.]
"This is the reserve stamp that we use, er, when the first stamp runs out.
Hashtag stamp".
[coughs.]
"Is this a new carpet at Northend Airport? No, it's the same carpet, hashtag new.
" [coughs.]
[Linda.]
Teamwork, no man is an island.
Yep.
Yeah, I know.
No man left behind.
In the office, Proctor and Agent Church make last-minute preparations for the arrival of inspector Mary Parfitt.
Mary! Hi! Thank you so much for coming.
Lovely to see youagain.
That's great.
I'll just pop this I'll just pop this up here, if that's OK.
Erm, you remember my colleague Andy Church? -No.
-Hi.
Oh? -Can I get you a tea or coffee? -I don't drinkanything.
So how was your trip here today? Traffic? -Took the train.
-Great.
-All the way here.
-Yeah, so where would you like to begin, Mary? Arrivals? Departures.
[clears her throat.]
[blows whistle.]
[blows whistle.]
[Linda.]
Mary Parfitt coming to do the inspection is really bad news for us, because she is a stickler.
I have a bit of a complicated relationship with authority figures.
Most of me is like, "Ooh, please like me! Give me a brownie badge! Please approve of me!" and then another part of me is like, "What's the point? We're all gonna die!" [she claps.]
Back downstairs, baggage handlers Mo and Suj have warmed to their theme of frozen objects falling from aeroplanes.
-There's a chicken as well.
-That's an urban myth/bullshit.
You know your problem, yeah? You, my friend, are too naive, bruv.
Think about it, scientifically, if a frozen chicken now -has fallen out the aeroplane.
-Yeah.
-It's gonna shatter on impact.
-It'd bounce.
-Shatter.
-It'd bounce.
It's gonna shatter.
Camera, can you tell him? Where you going? I'm gonna get a frozen chicken and prove it.
Meanwhile, Agent Brodie pays a visit to Agent Mansoor to discuss a private, sensitive matter.
-Look at that.
-Dude, not here.
Not really allowed to No, I don't wanna look at it.
That's Katja.
Oh, OK! OK.
-She sent me that last night.
-Yeah, yeah, she seems, er -Generous.
-Yeah.
[Tariq laughs.]
Hey, so that is sexting, right? -Quite a common thing, eh? -Yeah.
-Like, everyone does it, yeah? -Everyone, yeah.
[laughs.]
Do you do it? I have done, yeah, yeah.
What should I do? You know what? Do some pull-ups first, to get a bit like toned and wear something that sticks to you.
Oil up? You know, if you're comfortable with that.
Yeah, why Yeah.
You know what? Keep it simple.
Just all the buttons undone.
Er, justall the attention's there.
-I get it.
-Yeah? -I get it.
-OK.
[laughs.]
Totally get it.
At passport control, Agent Hassler is beginning to enjoy his burgeoning carrier as a social media guru.
I got some, er, I got some replies to my Tweets.
See what we've got, see what the general public thinks.
[laughs.]
OK.
Er, wow, that's, er, your opinion and you've spelt it wrong, so, no, I will not suck the what you're saying, because OK, this person agrees with the first person.
Erm Yeah, a lot of them are focusing in on the forehead.
Which I I can't help the way that I look.
It's just, er Yeah, I'm not reading that one.
Not reading any more, thank you.
One, two, three.
But there's no time to bask in his success.
Things get serious when Mary Parfitt arrives for her rigorous inspection.
[Mary.]
I get brought in to quick fix all of the broken bits.
But I can confirm that there has been a significant and creative push towards an explicit and lasting integrated sourcing strategy.
Faster, faster! -Faster, faster, faster! -Come on! Right! Undergoing such a thorough inspection has been stressful for all the agents, but happily for them, as the working day ends, so does Mary Parfitt's time at Northend.
That's just about everything.
And we look forward to seeing you again next year.
-Tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? You want to come back again tomorrow? -Shouldn't I? -No, it's just Is there anything wrong? Is there? Erm, no, that's It's just that tomorrow I've got some really important meetings, but Miss Church here can take care of you.
-I'm on the early tomorrow.
-It's OK, I'll cover that.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
So, er -Where are you staying? -Hotel.
Hotel, right, yes.
I thought it might be a hotel.
Do you think, Andy, that it might be a hotel? Yeah! A hotel was my first guess, yeah.
Can we, er Can we get you a -Lift? -I was going to say cab.
-What? -Andy will be happy to take you.
-I haven't got my car here.
-Take mine.
-OK.
-Oh! [Clive.]
First session done for the day.
Erm 15 new followers, er Blocked 68.
Erm, liked three.
And, er, followed one - Katy Perry.
-Well, do the ting then.
-Science.
I'm so sure, 100 billion billion percent sure, it will shatter.
-Go on, throw the ting.
-You wanna watch some science? Yeah, I wanna watch.
I know! -It's gonna shat-- -Science.
Having passed on his sage words of advice, Agent Mansoor is slightly concerned that he may have steered Agent Brodie way out of his comfort zone.
-Hey, man.
-Hey.
-So did you? -Oh yeah, like, yeah.
We had, like, erm, like a real back and forth, you know.
I went for it.
Yeah, like, I sent her a picture of my cock.
-And then of my balls.
-[laughs.]
Pretty much going out now so Whoa! That's 0 to 60, Grant, 0 to 60, eh? -Yeah.
-That's good.
You know, it's like, like she gets me.
Yeah.
Having discovered that he may be somewhat out of his depth as the Twitter voice of Northend Airport, Agent Hassler quietly seeks help away from the office.
-Ding-dong! -Oh! Hi, Clive! C to the L to the I to the vizzle, what you saying, bruv? -Hey, man.
-You alright, yeah? Afternoon.
Er, Mo, are you on Twitter? -Yeah, Suj, are we on, erm? -Yeah, we're on Twitter.
I've been doing these Tweets all day, all morning, and people have just been really mean about them.
-Oh, that's not nice.
-Saying they're boring and saying things about me and my appearance and my forehead and just I don't know, is there something I'm doing wrong? Listen, Twitter is a simple exercise, alright? It's about blue ticks, it's about sex, it's about violence.
Blue ticks are hard to get hold of and I don't want to see you two have sex on camera.
So we could stage a fight right now.
Put that on Twitter, that'll be loads of re-Tweets, come.
-Yeah, I'll fight you.
-Fight, alright.
Oh, no, actually, it has to be about the airport! -Oh, OK.
-Cos it's the Northend Twitter account.
That's easy, just make it up, just write anything.
"Northend Airport, Britain's most popular regional airport.
" -Just Tweet that.
-That's a good Tweet.
-That's a good fake Tweet.
-Fake Tweet? -Yeah.
-You can do that? Someone already liked it.
That's what I'm saying.
Let me show you how it's done.
"Huge drugs bust at Northend's Airport".
Tweet that.
-Drugs bust? -There you go.
-Say no more, Clivey.
-Yeah! [laughs.]
Don't record this bit, bossman, yeah? Take them pants for me? Mary Parfitt has returned for her second inspection day, but Proctor is mysteriously nowhere to be found.
Luckily, Agent Church is able to share her extensive expertise.
We also have some doors leading off it.
Doors allow us to gain access into the rooms.
Originally, actually, the airport was built without doors but we found it too difficult to get into any of the rooms.
Back in the office, Agent Mansoor is concerned that Agent Brodie seems a little pre-occupied.
-What's up, man? -Oh, man, I I don't think it's going to work out with Katja.
-Sure, man, long distance is -No, man, she's She's blackmailing me.
So her and, like, this guy This guy Vladimir, I think he's behind this.
Behind what? They want five grand or they're gonna post my cock online.
OK, that's -And my balls.
-Oh, dear, OK.
Schoolboy error.
You don't show your face in those pictures and you don't wear your uniform either.
Plus side, he's got the biggest dick I've ever seen.
We might have to get the police involved.
Don't reply.
Just don't use that number any more.
No, no, no, Tariq.
How am I gonna get her back? What? No, no, mate, you, er -Don't reply.
-Thank you, Tariq, thank you.
Er, that's a radiator.
We use that mainly in the winter, which we see a dip in temperature.
That's a door.
Orange door.
That's a double yellow door.
The colours don't mean anything.
And this is baggage handling, where we load the luggage onto the trolleys.
-You wanna watch some science? -That's Mo and Suj.
I know! Remember that fit? Throwing chickens and this is an extractor fan.
It did shatter a bit.
That's a piece of shatter there, look.
That's ice.
That's a bit of ice.
Shatter! -Shatter there! -What is shatter? Growing increasingly concerned, Agent Mansoor checks in on Agent Brodie for an update on the Katja situation.
-Hey, man.
-Hey.
So you've closed it down, yeah? You're laying low? I tried to close it down.
Like, I asked her to stop blackmailing me.
-OK.
-But then I did it again.
Did what again? Sent her another photo? -Yeah.
-Yeah, OK.
-Erm, I just You know -Why, man? Cos we got chatting and she made me laugh, and she's funny and she gets me and I just thought that we were back on track again.
But I think I know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna -I'm just gonna pay.
-Five grand? -You've got five grand to pay? -No.
They'll come back for more.
That's what will happen.
That's I want her to come back for more.
-No, mate.
It's a scam, mate.
-It's a scam.
What if your mum sees it? Did you think about that? No.
My mum? No.
You can't get rid of this stuff online.
That's it.
OK, are you gonna send another? -Maybe.
Take that, just in case.
-Thanks.
At passport control, Agent Hassler is about to discover that openly lying on Twitter has consequences.
Clive.
"Big drugs bust at Northend Airport.
Keeping drugs and bad people out, MNGA"? Yeah.
it's "Make Northend Great Again" just like with the-- Well, it's just lie after lie.
"Border agent to get shout-out out on new Stormzy track"? Who's Stormzy? -I think it's jazz.
-It's not good enough, Clive.
I'm going to have to take control of Twitter again.
Not only that, but it seems that Mary Parfitt has seen them too.
.
.
Led to the collapse of the Romanov Dynasty in Russia.
Who's running your Twitter account? You've been hiding your light under a bushel, eh? If it hadn't been for Twitter, I wouldn't have known about all these accomplishments.
Hey, why didn't you tell me? -Oh, well, I don't like to -[laughs.]
Where's that bushel? Where's the bushel? Wow! So pumped! -Good.
-It's great.
-Wanna go for lunch then? -Yeah! Famished! Ra-ra-ra! -[they laugh.]
-Come on.
As a delighted Mary Parfitt takes Proctor for lunch, Agent Hassler knows it's a job well done.
I I'm not 100% sure but I think I just saved Twitter.
But later Agent Brodie's body language is so obviously deflated that, despite her sudden change of fortune, even Proctor notices.
Tariq, what's up with Grant? Grant's being blackmailed? How? Oh, God! God! No, no, no, don't enlarge it! As Proctor deletes the offending picture immediately, after a few minutes, the team at passport control make use of a rare quiet period to hone their professional skills.
Later on, in the office, a brooding Agent Brodie approaches Agent Mansoor's desk with an extremely unique problem.
-Tariq.
-Yeah.
Somebody's got hold of my cock and they've Tweeted it.
What? -Did you Tweet my cock? -Mate, I definitely didn't Tweet your cock.
-No.
-Jesus! You'd think I'd be pretty mad about the whole situation, but I'm feeling pretty liberated cos, -now she's got nothing on me.
-Oh, thank God, man.
Someone's put my cock out there.
-Oh, OK.
-It's like It's like my Colin Farrell sex tape.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I've got one! [laughs.]
You've got a sex tape now.
-Maybe one day you'll have one.
-Nah.
-[laughs.]
Oh! -Mmm Maybe Nah.
It'll come out in the wash.
-We knew it was him! you can't get staplers that size any more! -No! As the annual inspection comes to an end, the success of the Northend Airport Twitter profile has made Mary Parfitt's day, leaving her and Proctor on glowing terms.
[mobile rings.]
Oh! Oops! It was me.
I accidentally Tweeted a cock.
That's a sentence I didn't think I'd be saying today, or ever.
Here at Northend Airport, we like to Tweet cocks? Hi.
24 likes.
So they've passed and, erm, I can confirm that.
And with this, I will, erm, take it to head office all the way.
No doubt about it I'm on my way Taking over I'm here to sta-ay-ay We're teaming together That's what I say-ay-ay One way to do this Taking over today! We're taking over We're taking over today
Tell them what my biggest fear is.
[Suj.]
Being hit by a block of frozen piss.
Frozen blocks of piss, biggest silent killer known to man.
When you go into the aeroplane now, you have a little wee wee, that wee wee goes into an unpressurised compartment.
-What temperature is it? -It's like minus 50.
Minus 50.
So the wee wee freezes now.
This one time that compartment on the aeroplane blew up, alright? And this frozen block of piss comes hurtling towards planet Earth.
Bap! Hits this tractor man sitting on his tractor, dead.
-I mean, dead, innit? -Totally dead from the piss.
Properly dead, you understand? What happens next? -The piss melts.
-The piss melts so the federales turn up now thinking, "Rah, what's happened to this guy?" You know what happened? They thought it was death by piss, you understand? Thought he'd just raggo pissed himself to death.
It was a crazy situation.
Bruv, are you listening? -Yeah.
-I forgot what I was saying.
No doubt about it I'm on my way Taking over I'm here to sta-ay-ay We're teaming together That's what I say-ay-ay One way to do this Taking over today! We're taking over We're taking over today In the modern era, it's not enough for an organisation to perform competently, it also has to maintain an active social media profile.
Northend Airport is no different.
Now I need somebody to take over our Twitter account.
We haven't done a Tweet for two years and the last one said, "Northend Airport Twitter account now live.
-Hashtag up and running".
-Good Tweet.
We need to up our game.
So who's going to volunteer? -Tariq, why don't you do it? -Er, why don't you do it? -Oh, I can't do it.
I'm not allowed on social media.
-Why? Because my daughter says if I go on Twitter, she'll kill herself.
-Huh, is that? No.
-OK, Clive.
Sure, thank you.
[laughs.]
Great.
-Do I get a work phone? -No.
-Like a badge or a sash? -No.
-That's a hard no? -Yep.
It's time for our annual inspection and the bad news is, it's Mary Parfitt.
-[groans.]
-Yep, so I'm not dealing with her on my own.
I need somebody to help me.
So on your feet, everyone, let's draw straws.
Sorry, I'm late.
Or not.
[Andy.]
I'm not late.
I'm never late.
This morning, I was late because I was helping my neighbour out cos she lost her cat and I thought, "It's fine, cos I'll get good karma.
" But then karma's bullshit.
Having willingly volunteered, Agent Church heads to Proctor's office to discuss the best qualities of the imminent inspector Mary Parfitt.
-She's not that bad.
-No, not that bad.
-Yeah.
-No.
She's not that bad.
Meanwhile, Agent Brodie appears restless.
It seems he has something to discuss with Agent Mansoor.
Alright, Tariq? -Hey, man.
-Hey.
What did you get up to last night? Nothing much, just a bit of Netflix.
-Netflix, cool.
-Yeah.
Netflix and chill? -What about you, Grant? -Funny you should ask actually.
Erm, yeah, a little bit of development in the old arena of love.
You've finally been right swiped? Bit ofyeah? No, man.
Last night, I was, erm I was feeling a wee bit lonely and Don't judge me on this.
But I, er I called Dasha.
Remember Dasha? My ex-girlfriend who moved back to the Ukraine.
Yeah, silly, I know.
Anyway, turns out she's moved out.
This girl Katja lives at the flat.
We got talking, right.
Turns out that we've got loads in common.
we're both the same star sign, we've both got brothers.
-We were talking for ages.
-I'm happy for you, man.
-Thanks.
-What's with you and these Ukrainians, eh? Cooking with wine, Tariq, you know, cooking with wine.
Meanwhile, during an unusually quiet period at passport control, Agent Hassler gets to grips with his Twitter responsibilities.
I did feel kind of nervous at first, you know.
The first Tweet is a big responsibility.
I Tweeted, erm, er "Passport control at Northend Airport".
"Doors functioning properly at Northend Airport passport control, lovely".
[coughs.]
"This is the breakfast of a border guard when they're on passport control at Northend Airport".
"This is the uniform that I wear.
I'm Clive".
[coughs.]
"This is the stamp that we use at passport control, Northend Airport, hashtag stamp".
[coughs.]
"This is the reserve stamp that we use, er, when the first stamp runs out.
Hashtag stamp".
[coughs.]
"Is this a new carpet at Northend Airport? No, it's the same carpet, hashtag new.
" [coughs.]
[Linda.]
Teamwork, no man is an island.
Yep.
Yeah, I know.
No man left behind.
In the office, Proctor and Agent Church make last-minute preparations for the arrival of inspector Mary Parfitt.
Mary! Hi! Thank you so much for coming.
Lovely to see youagain.
That's great.
I'll just pop this I'll just pop this up here, if that's OK.
Erm, you remember my colleague Andy Church? -No.
-Hi.
Oh? -Can I get you a tea or coffee? -I don't drinkanything.
So how was your trip here today? Traffic? -Took the train.
-Great.
-All the way here.
-Yeah, so where would you like to begin, Mary? Arrivals? Departures.
[clears her throat.]
[blows whistle.]
[blows whistle.]
[Linda.]
Mary Parfitt coming to do the inspection is really bad news for us, because she is a stickler.
I have a bit of a complicated relationship with authority figures.
Most of me is like, "Ooh, please like me! Give me a brownie badge! Please approve of me!" and then another part of me is like, "What's the point? We're all gonna die!" [she claps.]
Back downstairs, baggage handlers Mo and Suj have warmed to their theme of frozen objects falling from aeroplanes.
-There's a chicken as well.
-That's an urban myth/bullshit.
You know your problem, yeah? You, my friend, are too naive, bruv.
Think about it, scientifically, if a frozen chicken now -has fallen out the aeroplane.
-Yeah.
-It's gonna shatter on impact.
-It'd bounce.
-Shatter.
-It'd bounce.
It's gonna shatter.
Camera, can you tell him? Where you going? I'm gonna get a frozen chicken and prove it.
Meanwhile, Agent Brodie pays a visit to Agent Mansoor to discuss a private, sensitive matter.
-Look at that.
-Dude, not here.
Not really allowed to No, I don't wanna look at it.
That's Katja.
Oh, OK! OK.
-She sent me that last night.
-Yeah, yeah, she seems, er -Generous.
-Yeah.
[Tariq laughs.]
Hey, so that is sexting, right? -Quite a common thing, eh? -Yeah.
-Like, everyone does it, yeah? -Everyone, yeah.
[laughs.]
Do you do it? I have done, yeah, yeah.
What should I do? You know what? Do some pull-ups first, to get a bit like toned and wear something that sticks to you.
Oil up? You know, if you're comfortable with that.
Yeah, why Yeah.
You know what? Keep it simple.
Just all the buttons undone.
Er, justall the attention's there.
-I get it.
-Yeah? -I get it.
-OK.
[laughs.]
Totally get it.
At passport control, Agent Hassler is beginning to enjoy his burgeoning carrier as a social media guru.
I got some, er, I got some replies to my Tweets.
See what we've got, see what the general public thinks.
[laughs.]
OK.
Er, wow, that's, er, your opinion and you've spelt it wrong, so, no, I will not suck the what you're saying, because OK, this person agrees with the first person.
Erm Yeah, a lot of them are focusing in on the forehead.
Which I I can't help the way that I look.
It's just, er Yeah, I'm not reading that one.
Not reading any more, thank you.
One, two, three.
But there's no time to bask in his success.
Things get serious when Mary Parfitt arrives for her rigorous inspection.
[Mary.]
I get brought in to quick fix all of the broken bits.
But I can confirm that there has been a significant and creative push towards an explicit and lasting integrated sourcing strategy.
Faster, faster! -Faster, faster, faster! -Come on! Right! Undergoing such a thorough inspection has been stressful for all the agents, but happily for them, as the working day ends, so does Mary Parfitt's time at Northend.
That's just about everything.
And we look forward to seeing you again next year.
-Tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? You want to come back again tomorrow? -Shouldn't I? -No, it's just Is there anything wrong? Is there? Erm, no, that's It's just that tomorrow I've got some really important meetings, but Miss Church here can take care of you.
-I'm on the early tomorrow.
-It's OK, I'll cover that.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
So, er -Where are you staying? -Hotel.
Hotel, right, yes.
I thought it might be a hotel.
Do you think, Andy, that it might be a hotel? Yeah! A hotel was my first guess, yeah.
Can we, er Can we get you a -Lift? -I was going to say cab.
-What? -Andy will be happy to take you.
-I haven't got my car here.
-Take mine.
-OK.
-Oh! [Clive.]
First session done for the day.
Erm 15 new followers, er Blocked 68.
Erm, liked three.
And, er, followed one - Katy Perry.
-Well, do the ting then.
-Science.
I'm so sure, 100 billion billion percent sure, it will shatter.
-Go on, throw the ting.
-You wanna watch some science? Yeah, I wanna watch.
I know! -It's gonna shat-- -Science.
Having passed on his sage words of advice, Agent Mansoor is slightly concerned that he may have steered Agent Brodie way out of his comfort zone.
-Hey, man.
-Hey.
-So did you? -Oh yeah, like, yeah.
We had, like, erm, like a real back and forth, you know.
I went for it.
Yeah, like, I sent her a picture of my cock.
-And then of my balls.
-[laughs.]
Pretty much going out now so Whoa! That's 0 to 60, Grant, 0 to 60, eh? -Yeah.
-That's good.
You know, it's like, like she gets me.
Yeah.
Having discovered that he may be somewhat out of his depth as the Twitter voice of Northend Airport, Agent Hassler quietly seeks help away from the office.
-Ding-dong! -Oh! Hi, Clive! C to the L to the I to the vizzle, what you saying, bruv? -Hey, man.
-You alright, yeah? Afternoon.
Er, Mo, are you on Twitter? -Yeah, Suj, are we on, erm? -Yeah, we're on Twitter.
I've been doing these Tweets all day, all morning, and people have just been really mean about them.
-Oh, that's not nice.
-Saying they're boring and saying things about me and my appearance and my forehead and just I don't know, is there something I'm doing wrong? Listen, Twitter is a simple exercise, alright? It's about blue ticks, it's about sex, it's about violence.
Blue ticks are hard to get hold of and I don't want to see you two have sex on camera.
So we could stage a fight right now.
Put that on Twitter, that'll be loads of re-Tweets, come.
-Yeah, I'll fight you.
-Fight, alright.
Oh, no, actually, it has to be about the airport! -Oh, OK.
-Cos it's the Northend Twitter account.
That's easy, just make it up, just write anything.
"Northend Airport, Britain's most popular regional airport.
" -Just Tweet that.
-That's a good Tweet.
-That's a good fake Tweet.
-Fake Tweet? -Yeah.
-You can do that? Someone already liked it.
That's what I'm saying.
Let me show you how it's done.
"Huge drugs bust at Northend's Airport".
Tweet that.
-Drugs bust? -There you go.
-Say no more, Clivey.
-Yeah! [laughs.]
Don't record this bit, bossman, yeah? Take them pants for me? Mary Parfitt has returned for her second inspection day, but Proctor is mysteriously nowhere to be found.
Luckily, Agent Church is able to share her extensive expertise.
We also have some doors leading off it.
Doors allow us to gain access into the rooms.
Originally, actually, the airport was built without doors but we found it too difficult to get into any of the rooms.
Back in the office, Agent Mansoor is concerned that Agent Brodie seems a little pre-occupied.
-What's up, man? -Oh, man, I I don't think it's going to work out with Katja.
-Sure, man, long distance is -No, man, she's She's blackmailing me.
So her and, like, this guy This guy Vladimir, I think he's behind this.
Behind what? They want five grand or they're gonna post my cock online.
OK, that's -And my balls.
-Oh, dear, OK.
Schoolboy error.
You don't show your face in those pictures and you don't wear your uniform either.
Plus side, he's got the biggest dick I've ever seen.
We might have to get the police involved.
Don't reply.
Just don't use that number any more.
No, no, no, Tariq.
How am I gonna get her back? What? No, no, mate, you, er -Don't reply.
-Thank you, Tariq, thank you.
Er, that's a radiator.
We use that mainly in the winter, which we see a dip in temperature.
That's a door.
Orange door.
That's a double yellow door.
The colours don't mean anything.
And this is baggage handling, where we load the luggage onto the trolleys.
-You wanna watch some science? -That's Mo and Suj.
I know! Remember that fit? Throwing chickens and this is an extractor fan.
It did shatter a bit.
That's a piece of shatter there, look.
That's ice.
That's a bit of ice.
Shatter! -Shatter there! -What is shatter? Growing increasingly concerned, Agent Mansoor checks in on Agent Brodie for an update on the Katja situation.
-Hey, man.
-Hey.
So you've closed it down, yeah? You're laying low? I tried to close it down.
Like, I asked her to stop blackmailing me.
-OK.
-But then I did it again.
Did what again? Sent her another photo? -Yeah.
-Yeah, OK.
-Erm, I just You know -Why, man? Cos we got chatting and she made me laugh, and she's funny and she gets me and I just thought that we were back on track again.
But I think I know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna -I'm just gonna pay.
-Five grand? -You've got five grand to pay? -No.
They'll come back for more.
That's what will happen.
That's I want her to come back for more.
-No, mate.
It's a scam, mate.
-It's a scam.
What if your mum sees it? Did you think about that? No.
My mum? No.
You can't get rid of this stuff online.
That's it.
OK, are you gonna send another? -Maybe.
Take that, just in case.
-Thanks.
At passport control, Agent Hassler is about to discover that openly lying on Twitter has consequences.
Clive.
"Big drugs bust at Northend Airport.
Keeping drugs and bad people out, MNGA"? Yeah.
it's "Make Northend Great Again" just like with the-- Well, it's just lie after lie.
"Border agent to get shout-out out on new Stormzy track"? Who's Stormzy? -I think it's jazz.
-It's not good enough, Clive.
I'm going to have to take control of Twitter again.
Not only that, but it seems that Mary Parfitt has seen them too.
.
.
Led to the collapse of the Romanov Dynasty in Russia.
Who's running your Twitter account? You've been hiding your light under a bushel, eh? If it hadn't been for Twitter, I wouldn't have known about all these accomplishments.
Hey, why didn't you tell me? -Oh, well, I don't like to -[laughs.]
Where's that bushel? Where's the bushel? Wow! So pumped! -Good.
-It's great.
-Wanna go for lunch then? -Yeah! Famished! Ra-ra-ra! -[they laugh.]
-Come on.
As a delighted Mary Parfitt takes Proctor for lunch, Agent Hassler knows it's a job well done.
I I'm not 100% sure but I think I just saved Twitter.
But later Agent Brodie's body language is so obviously deflated that, despite her sudden change of fortune, even Proctor notices.
Tariq, what's up with Grant? Grant's being blackmailed? How? Oh, God! God! No, no, no, don't enlarge it! As Proctor deletes the offending picture immediately, after a few minutes, the team at passport control make use of a rare quiet period to hone their professional skills.
Later on, in the office, a brooding Agent Brodie approaches Agent Mansoor's desk with an extremely unique problem.
-Tariq.
-Yeah.
Somebody's got hold of my cock and they've Tweeted it.
What? -Did you Tweet my cock? -Mate, I definitely didn't Tweet your cock.
-No.
-Jesus! You'd think I'd be pretty mad about the whole situation, but I'm feeling pretty liberated cos, -now she's got nothing on me.
-Oh, thank God, man.
Someone's put my cock out there.
-Oh, OK.
-It's like It's like my Colin Farrell sex tape.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I've got one! [laughs.]
You've got a sex tape now.
-Maybe one day you'll have one.
-Nah.
-[laughs.]
Oh! -Mmm Maybe Nah.
It'll come out in the wash.
-We knew it was him! you can't get staplers that size any more! -No! As the annual inspection comes to an end, the success of the Northend Airport Twitter profile has made Mary Parfitt's day, leaving her and Proctor on glowing terms.
[mobile rings.]
Oh! Oops! It was me.
I accidentally Tweeted a cock.
That's a sentence I didn't think I'd be saying today, or ever.
Here at Northend Airport, we like to Tweet cocks? Hi.
24 likes.
So they've passed and, erm, I can confirm that.
And with this, I will, erm, take it to head office all the way.
No doubt about it I'm on my way Taking over I'm here to sta-ay-ay We're teaming together That's what I say-ay-ay One way to do this Taking over today! We're taking over We're taking over today