Bored to Death (2009) s02e05 Episode Script

( Theme music playing ) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
( whistle blows ) I never had the guts to try out for "The New Yorker" before, but now I'm ready.
Is this magazine still around? Of course.
Anyway, I think I can win this contest.
I'm going to turn my cases into stories, but I need to come up with a heroic alter ego.
- Like you did with Super Ray.
- I have a new alter-alter ego - Kevin Bacon.
- What do you mean Kevin Bacon? He emailed me this morning.
Somehow he saw "The Birth of Super Ray.
" He wants to meet tonight.
He thinks he can option it for like $10,000.
My God, this is huge! He wants to play Super Ray? Yes.
He thinks it can finally be his big franchise character.
Kind of like a drunken Batman with a big cock.
This is amazing.
I love Kevin Bacon.
- Yeah, me too.
- ( Phone ringing ) Oh, it's George.
I've got to grab this real quick.
I'm gonna get some more iced coffee.
It's free refills.
- Hello, George? - Hey, Jonathan.
I'm just calling to confirm Yes, and you can talk about whatever you want.
It you know, writing related.
Oh, I'm gonna give a good talk, I promise.
I'm feeling very inspired.
I just wrote what might be my best column ever.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
- ( Phone rings ) Oh hey, gotta go.
I got another call coming in.
- Hello? - Hello.
- Hello, who's this? - Jonathan: Hello, George? - George? - ( Dial tone hums) - Thank you.
- ( Gasps ) Oh my God, you just spilled coffee on my baby! I'm so I'm so sorry! It's iced coffee.
It's just iced coffee.
- Oh my God, this is terrible.
- I think you should call the police.
Are you crazy? It's just iced coffee.
I had much worse things happen to me when I was a kid.
- It's fine.
- Don't tell me how my child is doing! - ( Baby wailing ) - Are you okay, sweetie? Can I get another refill, please? I'm sorry.
Ow, fuck! Wow, I've never been 86'd from a cafe.
Screw those Brooklyn moms.
I hate women.
Really? What about the new woman you're dating? Oh, I gotta break up with her.
She's paranoid, needy and jealous.
All of which make her good in bed, but the rest of the time it is hell.
Man, that does sound bad.
She also hacked into my email account and put her picture on my phone.
Every time I make a call I have to see her face.
Oh my God, that's Jennifer Gladwell.
I know her! - Brooklyn is so small.
- Wait, how do you know her? She's one of my first clients.
She's definitely nuts.
She hired me to tail her boyfriend.
Well, I'm gonna break up with her later.
I wanna feel like everything's in order before my meeting with Kevin Bacon.
So if he options it, what are you gonna do with the money? Well, probably get some health insurance.
Go to the dentist.
I haven't been to the dentist in 14 years.
I have more plaque on my teeth than teeth.
Shit, 14 years? What else? I don't know.
I'll get some drawing pencils, a new insulin pump for my mom, maybe cover up some of these varicose veins.
Come come.
So, table for one, my friend? - Hmm? - Jonathan Ames.
- Yes.
- He's for me, Akhil.
Hello.
You must be Lakshmi Bhargava.
Very good.
I'm impressed by your pronunciation.
Thank you.
I listen to a lot of NPR.
Come.
So how can I help you, Mrs.
Bhargava? Well, I'm so ashamed to say this, but I suspect my husband of 15 years, Vikram, is having a love affair.
- What makes you think so? - He's a limousine driver, but he's been coming home for weeks only after I've gone to sleep.
- What excuse does he give? - No excuse.
He must be with a woman who cooks bacon after they make love.
I smell it on his clothes and his bald head.
I should have never married a poet! But it was arranged.
Still I I've come to love him.
He's a limo driver and a poet? That's great.
I'm a detective and a writer.
It's good to have more than one profession.
I also teach.
I don't care.
I just want you to follow my husband.
Right.
Oh! Uh hey, buddy? Why don't you go ahead and pour me another one? This time make it a big-girl glass.
Okay? Thanks.
Ray: Jennifer, I Jesus Christ.
Jennifer, I hate to, um, spring this on you right here, but I think that maybe we should stop seeing each other.
Just for a little while.
You know, maybe take a break.
What are you talking about? I don't want to take a break.
- I really like you.
- I just have a lot of stuff going on right now.
What's that supposed to mean? My big meeting with Kevin Bacon tonight So you can't date me 'cause you're seeing Kevin Bacon? I'm not seeing him.
I have a meeting.
- That's what you're making it sound like.
- I'm not dating Kevin Bacon.
Well, I don't know, are you? I don't I mean what? No.
I just want to focus on my work.
Okay? It's not me, it's you.
No, that's backwards.
You say, "it's not you, it's me" to someone.
Right.
It's not you, it's me.
All right, why don't you just be honest with me, Ray, okay? I can take it.
Okay, I will be honest.
You drink too much and I'm not used to it.
I like to be the heavy drinker in a relationship.
So I'll quit drinking.
I've done it a million times.
I quit three weeks ago, okay? I can do it again.
Okay look, here.
And that's it.
I'm done.
It's over.
Wait.
- It's over.
- Jennifer, you're beautiful.
But you're too much for me.
Someone will love you one day, I promise you.
It's just like Dylan said, "it ain't me, babe.
" - Did you just quote Bob Dylan? - Yes, because you love Bob Dylan.
Okay, this is now the most disgusting breakup of my life.
- With that - ( Splatters ) Do you have a air dryer in the bathroom or are there paper towels? ( Sizzling ) Sorry to bother you.
I can't get 42 down.
Can you help me? The answer to 42 down is "nincompoop.
" Nincompoop! Oh man, thank you.
I had the "poop" part, but not the "nincom.
" Nincompoop's not a word one hears every day, but I got the answer immediately because, well, that's what I am a bloody nincompoop.
Well, I've just met you, but you don't seem like a nincompoop to me.
Well, I am.
I'm a poet who can't be published and I'm a driver who doesn't drive.
The two things I love, I fail at.
- Why don't you drive any more? - I was let go.
For 12 years I gave everything I had to Number One Limo Company in New York, but they show me no respect.
Number one in New York, that's impressive.
No, that was the name of the company, but we were number one in Queens.
- Have you tried other companies? - Yes.
but no luck.
So I sit here, hiding from my beautiful wife, too ashamed to face her.
( Clicks ) I know your wife.
Lakshmi Bhargava.
Hey, your pronunciation how do you know her? I'm a private detective.
She thought you were having an affair, - so she hired me to follow you.
- What? Well, how much do you cost? We can't afford you.
I lost my job.
My rates are very reasonable.
But don't you see? She loves you.
And she'll be relieved to know that this is all that's going on.
Look, I know how to help you and your wife.
You lost your job?! I can't believe you lied to me.
We have a mortgage.
Get out! Poet No no, he couldn't help it.
It's the economy.
He filled out 37 applications.
At least he's not cheating on you, right? This is worse.
This jeopardizes everything.
You are a terrible detective.
- I'm not paying you.
- Wait a second wait! You love him, he loves you case closed.
I'm a good detective! (shouts in Hindi ) Idiot! - You've wrecked my life.
- But (shouts in Hindi ) Table for one? "We need to we need to defend the written word.
" Ah, that's better.
"Books are essential to our humanity.
We need to defend the written word.
" - That is so good.
- George.
Oh hi.
Come on in.
I'm just working on this talk I have to give to this writing class tonight.
You know, "rally the youth" and all of that.
Sit down actually.
Let me do it for you.
Come on.
- Well, George, I - I was thinking, speaking to young writers is something that I could do for the magazine.
You know, I could go around the country like Mark Twain, right? You know, giving inspirational talks.
- Mark Twain? - I could also, you know, like wear one of those, uh, what do you call 'em? You know, prosthetic mustaches.
It could be very theatrical.
Mark Twain had white hair as well.
You know? And he loved three-piece suits.
I'm just saying.
We can discuss this later, George, but a more pressing issue is that we need to cut columns from the magazine.
Ugh, again? All right, how about the astrology column? We can lose that.
It's frivolous.
No, it's very popular.
The people love it.
I'm sorry, George, but the board in Dallas wants to cut your column.
My "By George" column? Oh no no no no.
Kathryn, Kath I've written that for 20 years.
Just this morning I wrote my best piece ever about my prostate.
Oh no no no.
They can't take that away from me.
I know, George, but they are adamant.
- There's nothing we can do.
- No, Kathryn, I am my column.
I mean, I'm writing it in my mind all the time.
Well, maybe you could, um, keep a diary.
I'm sorry, what? A diary? Oh You know, let me ask you something here.
What exactly do you see as my role here at the magazine? - I know it's been diminished, George.
- Diminished? But you're still very good at cocktail parties.
Our advertisers love you.
Cocktail parties? Well, maybe I'll have a little drink right now then.
Yeah, hey, cocktail party.
"Hey I'm George Christopher.
You're from Dallas.
Oh, you must be an asshole.
" Jonathan? Oh hey, Nina.
Come in, come in.
Are you okay? We can reschedule this if you want.
No no, it's fine.
I just, um, I destroyed a man's life today.
That happens.
I destroyed someone last week.
But people are a lot stronger than we give them credit for.
At least that's what my therapist says.
That's true.
Uh, okay, enough about me.
Let's discuss your story.
Well, first of all I love your prose.
Thank you! That means a lot to me.
My main question is this is it believable that a beautiful 16-year-old girl would fall in love with a high school teacher who has a weak chin and forehead psoriasis? Oh yes, it is believable.
Teachers can be very charismatic.
Really? You have a very beautiful hand.
- Thank you.
- ( Exhales ) I'm sorry.
That was not appropriate.
You're my student.
Jonathan, I'm almost your age.
You haven't done anything wrong.
I've been wanting to tell you the virginity scene in your novel is really hot, even though you I mean your narrator had a premature ejaculation.
- ( Knocks ) - Oh hi, George.
Come in.
We were just this is my student Nina Cassidy.
- Hi.
- Nina, this is George Christopher.
- He's my mentor.
- Mentor? - Hi.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
George is gonna speak to our class tonight.
Oh really? What are you gonna talk about? Ah.
So just like I have cancer of the prostate, the publishing industry also has cancer.
Magazines are dying.
Books are dying.
Newspapers are dying.
Print is dead.
Questions? Anybody? Okay, that was bleak.
Thank you, George.
But like things with the environment, we have at least a few more years before the end of time.
I always have this dream where I'm flying, you know? And then I wake up and I'm heartbroken that I can't fly.
What do you think that means? I don't know.
I never dream.
I smoke pot right before I go to bed, and it shuts down the dream side of my brain.
Right.
You know, that's one of the things I love about Super Ray is that he flies.
I have always wanted to play a superhero who could fly.
- Oh, great, I - Listen, about my process I'm gonna need to get close to you, maybe move in, wear your clothes, t-shirts kinda get your scent on me.
- Really? That's necessary? - Definitely.
I'm just gonna warn you I don't wear deodorant.
I gotta tell you, I think it's amazing that he uses his huge cock as a weapon.
I mean that's just awesome.
I mean that just seems really true to life.
Thanks.
I kinda see his huge cock as like Thor's hammer.
Yeah well, I can definitely do that.
I'm sorry, Jonathan.
I didn't mean to wreck your class.
It's just between the cancer and things falling apart at the magazine, - I'm just all muddled.
- I'm sorry, George.
And I'm not gonna quit, so don't even suggest it, but I think I'm addicted to marijuana again.
- Oh no, why? - Well, for one thing I'm not happy unless I'm stoned.
The other night I got high and I took a walk and I separated from my shadow.
Shit, that does sound strange.
Oh and then I'm driving stoned and that's just dangerous, you know.
Especially because when I'm smoking the left and the right sides of my body just, you know, don't communicate with each other.
Do you think you might wanna hire a driver? ( Jonathan groans ) Yeah, I see what you mean.
Your driving really has deteriorated.
Yeah, I know that.
Marijuana makes parking especially difficult.
It's a spatial issue.
Hey, thanks so much for helping me out with this, George.
- Ah.
- I never should have meddled.
Yeah, in life, when in doubt, never meddle.
It only causes problems.
Jonathan: He should be here.
There's Vikram.
This is gonna be great.
- You're gonna make him really happy.
- Everybody get on the ground! And throw your cell phones to the middle of the floor.
Now! Vikram, Vikram, what are you doing? You! You idiot detective.
Get on the floor! Both of you.
I just had my suit dry-cleaned and I have a bad knee two, actually.
Do you mind if I stand? Dry-clean? Shut up! Vikram, don't do this.
Don't do This is who you wanted me to hire? - He's not really like this.
- Well? I can talk him down.
Vikram.
Vikram, listen to me.
Just give me the gun, okay? - You'll go to prison.
- I don't care any more.
I already see all of life as a prison.
At least when I was a driver I was in a moving prison.
Vikram, you can't give up.
I'm also a struggling writer, but I'm gonna submit a story to "The New Yorker.
" Don't talk to me about "The New Yorker.
" Those bastards rejected Hey, you know, they rejected all of my submissions to the caption contest.
Maybe it's just the magazine.
I'm not mechanically inclined.
Vikram, you haven't done anything wrong yet, okay? - You haven't taken any money.
- That's because I can't open the drawer.
Now, if you really wanted money you could have taken everyone's wallets and jewelry, but you didn't.
Everybody! Throw your wallets and jewelry to the center of the floor! - Thank you.
- George: Nice one.
Ugh, Jesus.
So I can try to gain the weight, but chances are I'm probably gonna have to go with a fat suit.
Uh well, I'm really not fat.
I mean, I kinda see myself as stocky or portly.
Maybe you can wear a stocky suit or a portly suit.
Yeah, that's true.
Well, except for maybe in the belly area.
I'm just kinda washboardy.
You know, so I can just pad that up a little bit.
And, uh, I'll try to grow the beard but really this is all I get and I'm just highly evolved.
Oh, God damn it, motherfucking piece of shit.
- I can't believe it.
- Ray? I didn't know you'd be here.
Jennifer, this is Kevin Bacon.
Kevin, this is Jennifer.
- Hi.
Kevin Bacon.
- Oh, he's been bragging about meeting you.
I thought he was lying.
( chuckles ) Which he does pathologically.
- Excuse me? - Jennifer, will you just please - I don't know if he's made love to you yet.
- No not yet.
When he does you should be careful because he gave me oral chlamydia of the mouth.
- I what? - I didn't know you could get oral chlamydia.
I've only had it the normal way.
We'll be right back.
Don't touch my elbow! That is assault.
- That's not cool, bro.
- He assaulted me.
When you don't wanna be touched that is assault.
- Yeah, that is the legal definition.
- I did not assault you.
Yes, you did, Super Chlamydia.
Don't but I don't have chlamydia, Kevin.
I don't.
- What's going on here? - This fat bully gave me an STD.
- And assaulted me.
- All right, that's it.
An STD? - You're out of here.
- Excuse me.
Oh, oww! No no no, that is not cool, man.
- ( Camera phones clicking ) - I'm an actor! What are you thinking? I've made a living off this nose for 30 years.
Put those phones away! Look what you've done to me.
You know what? I don't think you're cut out to play Super Ray.
So you want to buy me a drink? Yeah.
But listen, can we get out of Brooklyn? It's just not as cool as I thought it was gonna be.
Oh yeah.
- Excuse us.
- Here's a really really big tip.
- I'm okay.
- Jennifer: Kevin Bacon's okay.
Kevin Bacon's all right.
I can't believe it.
Jonathan, say something.
It's time to meddle.
Yeah.
You know Lakshmi will be furious with you if you go through with this.
Well, she's already furious, thanks to you.
You know something? I take back what I said.
You are a nincompoop.
Yeah.
You are a 42 down.
Hey! Don't be rude.
You have no idea what I've gone through.
You don't understand what it's like to turn up to work one day and to be told "Pffft! You're worthless!" after so many years.
Yeah, excuse me, but I understand.
You know, my whole identity is wrapped up in my job, but they won't listen to me any more.
I'm being pushed aside.
You know, I'm slowly losing my place in the world.
Yes, that's that's what happened to me.
I suggested to the boss that they put a line of poetry on all the business cards and I had great ideas about the schedule, but they just they didn't care! Hey, can I call you Vikram? Vikram, see, you and I are going through the same thing here.
Why don't you why don't you put the gun down? 'Cause, um, see, I have a job that I'd like to offer you.
- You have a job for me? - Yes.
See, he told me about you and I need a driver.
And I really I admire poets and I'd very much like to read your work.
So why-why why don't you just give me the gun? - You really like poetry? - He does.
- I do.
- He does.
Thank you.
It's not even loaded.
My father gave it to me in 1983 because of the cricket riots.
It's been on the bottom of a drawer ever since.
- Huh! - I'm gonna call 911.
- No no.
- Ma'am, that's not necessary.
- Yes! - No no no.
It's fine, really.
Everything's fine here.
It's just a normal human reaction to stress.
- Thank you.
- I mean, come on the gun's not even loaded.
- ( Crashes ) - ( All gasp ) Oh, what? I don't want it! Let's get out of here! Come on! All right, nobody call the cops! Vikram: I can get us out of here.
I know a service road the police won't think of.
- If you trust me to drive, that is.
- I trust you.
- Jonathan: Great, let's go! - I love this orange color! ( Engine starts ) ( sirens wailing ) (woman singing in Hindi ) ( singing continues )