Brickleberry s02e05 Episode Script

Malloy, I am highly disappointed.
You don't know a thing about the value of money.
I stand by my purchase.
It's not your purchase if it's on my credit card! How much was this thing? I got it at a good price, and I can do this.
No! Aah! Why?! Why? You're gonna bankrupt me, Malloy.
Return it, right now.
Let's go! Fine.
You'll never know it was here.
Brickleberry! Brickleberry! Rangers, I finally figured out why this Park's been losing money.
Because you've been stealing it.
- I didn't steal nothing.
- No one's blaming you, Denzel.
Sorry.
Usually, this is when the bear says something racist.
Can't, I'm playing "hate words with friends".
We are in the dumper because this Park isn't fun anymore.
There's no more good, clean, family wholesomeness.
So I bring to you Firecracker Jim's family fun time carnival! Takes you back to your childhood, doesn't it? Oh, yeah, nothing says "family fun" like catching Hep C from a carnie.
That's your childhood, all right.
Well, I think it's an awesome idea! Look at all these great games! Poke the rabbit in the eyeball! Donkey kicks, $5.
Step right up to Bobby Possumcods's petting zoo! Heavy petting zoo! All right, everybody, we got a lot of work to do.
Crowd control, trash duty What the? Look out, excuse me, move aside.
Ranger Steve Williams coming through.
Oh, thank God, a Park Ranger.
Someone just got a skull fracture.
- Who? - You! Now get your ass to the end of the line.
But I Man.
Why does the handicapped kid get to cut? Life can be so unfair.
Ha, ha.
Right this way for the greatest side show on Earth! Be amazed by the one-headed, one-tailed snake! Be astounded! By the mysterious hornless unicorn! This is lame.
Let's go.
Wait, who are they? Oh, don't look at them.
They're just a bunch of circus freaks.
But behold A bird that has the ability To swim! No, really, who are they? Well, if you insist on seeing the lame stuff, here's dog boy, octopus lady, giraffe girl, and Whoa, let me guess.
That's Dick nose.
Uh, no, my name is Jerry.
And my newest addition, the carpet-munching Vaginasaurus! Hey! Connie is not a freak! Lucas, let me take your picture with the big, ugly freak.
That's not right! Don't worry.
I treat each and every one of them like my own children.
Did I mention I [Bleeping.]
hate my children? They need help.
Come on, follow me! Oh, my God, what did she do? They can't survive in a non-cage environment.
They'll go crazy on the outside! We've got to get them back! Uh, not me.
I don't associate with anything that ugly.
Yeah, unless it buys you two drinks.
Then you'll give it a toothy B.
J.
in a public bathroom.
Did I say that? Woody, I need 20 bucks.
I want to play whack-a-mole.
- No! - Please? They use real moles.
No, Malloy.
Enough.
What do I look like I'm made of, money? No, it looks like you're made out of ham.
Now give me some money! Forget it.
You need to stop blowing my money and make some for yourself.
It's time for you to get a job.
- A job? - Yes! I'm through being your personal ATM.
What does ass-to-mouth have to do with this? Finally.
I've been in this line for three hours.
Sorry, folks.
Ride's closed for repair.
Repair? By "repair," I mean I snorted too much angel dust, and you'll be lucky if I don't eat your face off! Ah, man.
Oh, my God.
The Paralyzer! And there's no line! Hey, Firecracker Jim.
- Is this ride dangerous? - What the hell do you think? It's called "The Paralyzer," not "The Blowjobber!" That line's over there! - See ya.
- Watch out, now.
You never know if you gonna have to give one or get one.
Eek uh I think I'll do this one.
Whee! Yah! Oh! Woo-hoo! Hoo-ee! Yah! Hey, you alive? No refunds.
Come on, guys, in here.
You'll be safe in my cabin.
You can stay as long as you want.
Connie, who the hell are these freaks? They're not freaks.
They're my new best friends.
Connie, you can't be friends with these weirdos.
They a bunch of hey, what's up, Jerry? - You guys know each other? - Yeah, we went to Middle School together.
Hey, Jerry, you remember when you sneezed and got Wanda pregnant? I'm still paying for that cold.
I come bearing sad news.
As you know, Steve took a very bad fall yesterday, and, uh, well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but because of his injuries, we Well, let's just say we lost a lot of money, because we had to shut the carnival down early.
Grieve in your own way! All right! Day off! Wait, how is Steve? Steve who? Oh! What am I, his goddamn babysitter? Good morning, Rangers.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Whoops.
Aah, aah.
Help me, Jesus.
Sorry.
Oh, look, everybody.
The attention whore is here.
- Woody! - Oh, walk it off, Steve.
Everything will turn out fine, just like it did for Christopher Reeve.
- But he's dead.
- Exactly.
Thanks for coming to see me in the hospital.
Oh, wait.
None of you did.
Look on the bright side, Steve.
My best friend is handicapped! Think of all the attention I'll get.
Oh, I feel terrible.
Are you gonna be okay, Steve? All questions for my client can be directed to me.
Brickleberry Park is currently inaccessible to my handicapped client.
If it is not brought up to code, you face fines and possible litigation.
What? You told me to get a job.
Attorney at law? You ain't no lawyer.
You're right.
Now I'm a lawyer.
Thank you, University of Phoenix.
So, Mr.
Johnson, here's how you're going to make the Park handicap-accessible for my client.
People of Earth, you are in no danger.
Please remain in your homes.
Ha, ha, ha.
Give me that.
You can still talk, you moron.
Give it back.
It makes me sound smart, like Tony Hawk, that crippled scientist.
Now, let's get down to business.
Lower those windows a 1/2 inch.
We need a ramp to that ramp.
Therapeutic hot tub right here.
And some therapeutic hookers here, here And here.
What? Can't a brother get some handi-scraps? Oh, I know what you're doing, Malloy.
You're just getting back at me for cutting you off.
I know that Steve is faking this whole thing.
Whatever it is, I like it.
You got the life, for real, Steve.
Just lounging all day, everyone taking care of you.
V.
I.
P.
treatment wherever you go.
They even gave me this never-ending bag of pudding.
Steve, that's shit.
Well, that's a little harsh.
It's not snack pack, but it's free.
And a couple of hours after I eat it, it fills back up again.
Oh, God.
Here's the total cost for completing all the necessary upgrades to the Park.
Why do I have to call a phone number to find out how much I owe? Uh, that is not a phone number.
That is the amount due.
This is a bunch of hog shit.
I know you can walk, Steve, and I'm gonna prove it! Damn, what's that smell? Yeah, what is that? It smells like a skunk [Bleeped.]
a burning tire.
Or your feet cooking inside two George Foreman grills! Hmm, I don't feel anything, but it smells delicious.
Good poker face, Steve, but I'm not buying it.
Oh, that's just sad.
I can't believe George Foreman put his name on them cheap-ass grills.
Look at your feet, cooked all uneven and shit.
Keep your chin up, Steve.
I know just what will cheer you up.
Dancing! But I can't really dance.
Or move.
At all.
Steve, ever since you got paralyzed, people let you do whatever you want.
I think that that should apply to me too.
What do you mean? Hold on to your dead, lifeless ass for a second, and let me demonstrate.
Where do you think you're going? I think I'm going inside this mother[Bleep.]
club, no charge, bitch.
Uh, this is my best friend, Steve.
He just got paralyzed.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Get outta the way! This man's friend's handicapped! Look at him! He's all [Bleeped.]
up! What the [Bleep.]
do you think you're doing? Grieving.
I got a crippled friend.
Oh, my bad.
Here, uh, that's crap.
Take something from the top shelf.
Oh, I'll take the whole top shelf.
Yeah! Woo! My friend crippled! I can do whatever I want! I'm the King of the World! Denzel, you're wasted.
Who's gonna drive home? You let me worry about that.
What a night! V.
I.
P.
! Woo! Steve, you getting paralyzed is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Denzel, this doesn't seem safe.
Relax.
You're doing fine.
- Ah ah - Gezundhe aah! What the hell? I will kill you! I swear to God! Oh.
Oh, I didn't know.
I'm so sorry.
We'll let it slide this time, but don't let that shit happen again! Hey, have you guys seen my wife anywhere? Oh, God, it hurts! Honey, shut up! It's a handicapped driver! Oh, I'm sorry.
I feel so embarrassed.
You're past due for payment on the handicap-accessible nude beach.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me just grab my checkbook.
Aha! Nope, nothing.
Okay, now do you believe he's paralyzed? No, I don't, and I'm not gonna give you any more money for your little handi-scam.
Then we will see you in court.
Not if I see you first, asshole.
Oh, wait, you're on my side.
Sorry.
I'm dying of blood loss.
I've always dreamed of having friends over.
Oh! Good call.
Tea's boring.
Who wants to play Scattergories? Uh, so you guys want me to heat that up? So I hope you guys saved room for dessert.
Snickerdoodles? All right, everybody.
Into the truck! Hey, wait a minute.
You're not taking them back to that horrible carnival.
Carnival? No, this is worse.
They've been summoned for jury duty.
If it's a black guy, we're frying him.
Best party ever.
Ow! Denzel, sto Ouch! Stop! I don't want to be here.
Ah, chill out, broke back-enroe.
This is awesome.
I can't believe they let me in this all-white country club just because of your busted-ass spine.
Excuse me.
We have this court reserved.
Well, well.
Look at you.
Titties like two wind socks on a calm day.
You want to get freaky behind that dumpster? - Well, I never.
- Excuse me, that's my wife.
Oh, yeah? Well, that's my best friend.
Oh, yeah, you dirty.
That's nice, what you're doing there.
Aah! Hi.
I want the truth, Steve, because I know you're faking it.
No, I'm not.
I swear to God.
You know, when I was in the jungle, I did a few things I wasn't very proud of.
Technically, Steven, I'm a war criminal.
Gotta roll.
No, Woody, what are you doing? You know, this was banned by the Geneva Convention.
Cootchy-cootchy, wootchy-cootchy.
Cootchy.
You're a tough son of a bitch, Steve.
I would've had Abu Nazir crying by now.
Time for my last option.
Oh, my God, Woody, stop.
What are you doing? Screw this court case.
You're not gonna steal any more of my money.
You get up or you go down! Three Two Two and a half One! Walk! Oopsie.
Okay, Steve! Now I believe you! I'm still alive.
I can't believe I'm still Ali wait.
Well, I'll be damned.
$2 off a Subway Footlong! Oh, it's expired.
Well, at least I can walk again.
God damn it, how can Steve run late when he can't even walk? Good morning, counselor.
So how much money are we gonna make off me being hurt on that roller coaster, eh? Nothing now.
You can walk? What the hell? Oh, yeah.
And I can do this.
Beep, beep, beep, beep beep beep, beep beep.
You had one thing to do.
You had one thing to do.
Stay paralyzed.
How'd you [Bleep.]
that up? I know, it sucks.
I've got to wipe my own ass again.
The trial's in ten minutes.
I need you to be paralyzed.
Hold on.
We'll never get away with it.
He looks nothing like me.
Okay.
Steve, sit down and don't move.
You have to stay perfectly still.
Do not blow this.
Whoa, this guy's got a lemonade bag.
Score! The litigants have been sworn in.
Mr.
Malloy, you and your client are suing Woody Johnson for moneys that he owes to complete the handicap-accessible renovations to Brickleberry Park.
And for pain and suffering caused by, and I quote "Looking at his big, fat, [Bleeped.]
up face".
Objection, your honor.
Let the record show that my face is neither fat nor [Bleeped.]
up.
Objection overruled.
It is both, Sir.
Now, Dr.
Kuzniak, as a medical professional, would you say that this amusement ride could actually paralyze someone? Oh, not at all.
Actually, I find The Blowjobber to be quite stimulating.
I went on it nine times.
Uh, we're not here to talk about you getting blow jobs.
Wait a minute.
You can get blow jobs? Denzel, as a black man, you're familiar with illegal activities.
Would you say that Your honor, I can't continue with this.
Mr.
Jackson, what is going on? Oh, you know, fun.
Sir, do I have to hold you in contempt? It's all right.
His friend's a cripple.
I'm sorry, Sir.
Proceed.
All right, this is where I make Woody crack.
So, Mr.
Johnson, isn't it true that you brought the carnival to Brickleberry to purposefully paralyze my client? No! So you're telling us you did not bring the carnival to Brickleberry? - Yes.
- So now you are lying to the court.
Uh, no uh, yes what? No, I would never do that.
I'm not that kind of guy.
So you're telling this court that you're a perfectly "decent man".
And remember, you're under oath.
I mean, look, I've done bad things in my life, okay? I oh, dear God, who am I kidding? I'm a piece of shit! When I was six, I French-kissed a burro during a Mexican independence day parade.
I illegally downloaded Mamma Mia! And in 1989, I showed my testes to a drunk driver at an IHOP! He offered me half a rooty tooty fresh 'n fruity! I'm only human! Mr.
Malloy, what is the point of this testimony? He had the nerve to suggest that I get a job, and it is fun to tease the fat.
Point taken.
Is the aggrieved party ready to testify? We've won this, Steve.
Just sit still for five more minutes.
No problem, I got this.
You're the reverse Stephen Hawking Body works, shit for brains.
All ye bearded ladies and genital-nosed freak assholes of the jury How about a huzzah for Steve? Three cheers for the paralyzed dickhead who's going to take all of my money! I guess you won, Steve, and you ruined the Park forever.
Con[Bleeping.]
gratulations.
You want my money, Steve? Here, take it! Money, money, money, money, money, money, money! You want this one, Steve? Huh? You like it? You like Mr.
Franklin? You want him? Here.
Dig it out of my shit! You're getting closer.
The face is mm I don't know how you draw a touch of Down's, but that's what I'm thinking.
Oh, I hope you're happy, Steve, because I'm a broken man.
Oh, God! Ooh! Ooh! So itchy! Oh, oh! Oh, ooh, ah.
Ah, ah.
Ah Your honor, I'd like to drop all charges against Woody Johnson.
And confide with my new client, Woody Johnson.
We will be counter suing Mr.
Steve Williams for fraud.
Ah what? Thanks for winning my money back in that counter suit, Mr.
Counselor.
Here, go buy whatever you'd like.
Well, this almost covers Huh, The Paralyzer.
I thought they shut that ride Ow! Oh! Steve! Shit, you dumb son of a bitch! I can't feel my legs! I can't move! Poke the cripple in the eyeball! One, please.