Cardinal Burns (2012) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Ooh, cake.
Cake? Did someone mention cake? I'll get the plates.
I'll get the forks.
Are you going to have some cake, Jule? Just a tiny slice - I'm going out later.
Oh! Shall I put the kettle on? Good idea.
Someone's birthday? I'm not sure.
It's ever such a nice cake, isn't it? Lovely cake.
I heard a rumour there was some cake lying about? Oh, no, we've been nabbed.
What's all this, then? Get back to the fourth floor, you.
Everybody got cake? Mmm! It's going to make us fat, this cake.
Mmm that was lovely.
That was nice, wasn't it? Oh Ugh ugh! Ah! Ahh! Get me down! Get me down! Ah! My eyes! What kind of cake was that?! I don't know I don't know! Why?! Why?! Why, thank you, Debbie.
Ladies and gentlemen, our chief steward, Debbie, has just informed me that we have a celebrity on board, the actor Hugh Bonneville, star of Downton Abbey, travelling with us in business class on this BA246 direct flight to Hong Kong.
For those of you who haven't seen Downton, I believe that the first series is available on our in-flight entertainment system.
Just wondering, Hugh, if you do like to watch yourself back in the things you've been in? I personally hate to watch myself in anything home videos, or even photos for that matter.
Very self-critical.
Anyway, plenty of other things to watch on the in-flight entertainment.
I hear that The Sessions with Helen Hunt are particularly worth a look in.
Might take a quick look, actually.
See what he's like in the flesh.
Yep.
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
We received a telephone call from a young couple saying that since they've moved into their new home they've experienced some strange goings-on.
Noises, sightings, smells, etc.
So, we're going to have a little nosey round, see if we can't find anything untoward.
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away.
Jase, do you want to unload the scientific equipment? Yeah, I'll do it, as I'm the technical manager.
Yeah.
Guess who's just poked me? Steve? Yeah.
Do they still poke? Yeah.
Can you poke him back? I'll do it in a bit, yeah You all right with that? Yeah.
How long shall I leave it? 20 minutes? Really? Yeah.
That long? Yeah.
I'll give it ten.
Sometimes the TV turns itself on and off.
And in the morning we've come down to find the furniture's been moved all around.
Of its own accord? Um yes.
OK, so, on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the lowest, how creepy would you say the feeling is you get from the house? Um seven to eight? Eight, I'd say, eight.
Eight.
Oh, right, so not very creepy, with ten being the lowest? Oh, sorry, I'm One to two One or two? Oh, very creepy! OK, so, what we're going to do now is we're going to set cameras all around the house so we can monitor the situation in hand.
Yeah, it'll be like a bit a bit like Big Brother, isn't it, really? Yeah, it will be a bit.
There you go.
I'll put movement Oh, that's insidious.
Yeah.
Really insidious.
Oh, Steve's online.
Is he? Yep.
Oh, hello, Ryan's online now.
It's quite early for Ryan.
Steve's gone offline.
Juan's online now.
Is he? Oh, now, Juan's gone offline Make your mind up, Juan.
Mine's gone offline now.
Hey, Jase, look.
Have a look at that.
Oh, hello.
Oh, dear.
I can't work out whether that's normal activity or paranormal activity.
Whoa, look.
Where's he going? Oh, he's heading to the basement.
Right, come on, let's get him.
Something's going on.
Come on, old man.
You glad you came? Right, you ready? All right.
Watch your step.
Oh oh, my God.
Looks like some sort of a cult.
Don't you mean occult? That's what I said.
No, you said a cult, with an A, but you mean occult with an O.
What's the difference? Well, an occult is like a like a secret society, like something more supernatural.
Right.
Whereas a cult is like sort of like a fab, like a trend, like Scientology.
Oh, Tom Cruise.
Yeah, or John Travolta.
Oh, I think he's overrated.
Who? John Travolta.
Oh, I thought you meant Tom Cruise.
No, I like Tom Cruise.
Oh! It's gone dark.
It has, hasn't it? Yeah.
All the lights have gone out.
Have they gone? Don't know Hold on, turn the night vision on.
All right So, he enjoyed the potato salad, he's left the broccoli, but he had a good go at the chocolate pudding Great stuff.
Thank you, Debbie.
Debbie.
Ladies and gentlemen, just another quick update on Bonneville.
For those who were wondering, Hugh went for the fish.
Hugh, just a quickie, I noticed you didn't touch your broccoli.
Was there a problem with it, or was it simply not to your taste? Cue.
I might take another look at him.
Oh, yeah, good idea.
OK, quiet down! I can't hear myself.
It's like a market town in here.
Get rid of that.
What is this, a pornography club? Now, listen up, there have been reports of fare evaders.
Farede vedas? Fare evaders.
Furry leather.
Fare evaders.
Oh, faro evade.
Enough! We got busy night ahead, so get to work! Not you two.
My office.
Bukake, let me ask you a question How many passengers could you fit in your taxi? Including me? Five.
So, last night you get a call out to party.
There's six students.
What are you going to do? Oh, I know what I'd do.
I'd call Big Ted.
After all, he is the only one with a people carrier.
Yes, in this situation I would do the same thing.
I would call Big Ted.
So, you wouldn't try and fit all six students in the car? No, because that would be dishonest.
Good, good.
You understand in my position, I have to ask You lying piece of Hey, boss boss! Go easy.
As for you, Hashtag, driving over Tower Bridge at 60mph? So? When the bridge is still open? She caught her train, didn't she? You two think you're above the law, but you're not, now get out of here! Oh, and remember, keep your eyes peeled for fare evaders.
Fare invaders? Fairy vaders? 'Keep your eyes peeled for fare evaders.
' Furry intatas? Fairy invadus Fare indudus Fare indaver Fare eva fare evader! Is it all right if we pull up and use the cashpoint? Hey, Hashtag, what's happening, my brother? Not now, Scooterman.
It's hotter than hell tonight, man.
It's only going to get hotter, too.
I bet you got the AC on full blast in there.
I said beat it.
I'd sure like to be driving me a cab.
You talk to Datsun about hooking me up? I mean, I can drive real good, man.
Go! Hashtag! Very generous, you're a good tipper Good work, Bukake.
OK, have good times.
So where are we picking up the rest of your friends? Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you trying to do? Kill me or something? No.
Only joking.
Here for the festival, then? Yeah.
Are we in the right place? Smells like boys in here.
Right, then, got your tickets? Yep.
Kerry? There you go.
Lovely stuff.
Look at this one's hair, Bert.
It's like a vagina.
It is a bit, isn't it? You remind me of me when I was a little 'un.
How old are you? Oh, that's a perfect age.
Lovely age.
Can you just tell us where to go, please? Oh, hello, bookworm's piped up, look.
I take it you've not heard the news, then? No.
Oh, right, well, unfortunately, the camping area's completely waterlogged.
Overcrowded.
Moon Quick word, mate.
Hang on to them, Blondie.
What the fuck is that about? Totally overcrowded.
Don't give me that.
He was literally Guys, shush, shush.
Sh, sh Nope, it is waterlogged.
OK, then, so what we need to do, get you parked up, just follow those blue arrows into that field over there.
See you, Long Hair.
Have a good festival.
People think they know me, but if they knew the real Rachel, they'd know that music is everything to me.
It's who I am, take it or leave it.
My influences range from Laura Marling to Mumford and Sons, and other related artists on Spotify.
Music is my life.
What can I say? I'm a songstress.
Why aren't you wearing your accreditation? You must always wear your accreditation at my gigs so I know who you are.
I hope you paid full price for that match.
Yeah.
Rider.
Thank you.
Vaporizer, Aesop, hand sanitizer? Yeah.
Yumi, I have a massive favour to ask, please don't get in my eye line, I find it, like, incredibly off-putting.
Thank you.
OK, you guys are the best.
Here goes.
Good luck.
Hi, my name is Rachel Godding from Godderbang, and this is the second track from my EP, So Random.
Holler.
# Hmm, hmm, hmm Sometimes I think about how random the world is Like a vintage market stall in Cannes Or a tattoo on a homeless man's hand Or, like, when I kissed my friend, Tania, On a catamaran in Cannes Or like a breadcrumb in a jar of jam These are all the things that I find random.
Hit it, Ollie.
# Random abandon, random abandon # These are the things that I find random # Found in Camden and Susan Sarandon So many things I need and I'm like Yumi.
What are you doing? I don't know what I've done, or if I Oh, my god.
Yumi, why would you do that?! In front of all these people.
You're such a fucking bag! Rachel.
Please.
Well, come on, do something.
Thank you.
OK, OK, break it up.
Listen up, slightly good news.
I'm going to level with you, I'm doing work experience at Island Records and I think you've got a great sound, and as I say, I am doing work experience, so, yes, this is happening.
But what I want you do is call me on Monday with an answer but in the meantime arigato, and for Christ's sake, enjoy yourself.
Thank you.
Yay! Next week on Young Dreams Olivia falls for a bit of rough.
Penny for a cup of tea? Oh, my god.
Oh! We break the record for longest group hug.
How long was that? 47 hours.
Yay! And Yumi discovers herself.
Do you want a hand? Oh, could you? That'd be great.
It's very heavy.
It's OK.
I usually don't like to ask.
No, don't be silly, it's fine.
All right? All right.
Heavy, aren't I? No, you're OK, actually.
That's a nice jacket.
Thanks.
Do they do them in smaller sizes? I don't think so.
There's a surprise.
He's quite chatty, isn't he? Yeah, all right, mate! Lot of steps, aren't there? Yeah yeah, there are.
Have you just come oh, no, it doesn't matter.
Sorry? No, nothing.
Huh? Well, I was going to say have you just come straight from work, but but I'm boring myself.
Shush, shush, shush.
Fuck off.
What station is this? Um Holborn.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks ever so much.
OK, no worries.
He's very cute.
Cheers, mate.
OK.
Coffee.
Canderel? Mm-hmm.
Thank you, Debbie.
Debbie.
Do you mind if I take a look? Oh, why am I sat in a basketball hoop? Because you told me you like basketball as a sport.
Yeah, I do.
You've got a good skill there.
Would you like to see some more of my pictures? Yeah, I would.
Brad Pitt.
Yep.
Helen Hunt.
That's the one.
Whoopi Goldberg.
Hm Denzel Washington.
Is that Debbie, sat nonchalantly on top of a lion? That's about the size of it.
Geoff, can I ask you a personal question? Fire away.
Do you harbour feelings for Debbie? Yes, I do.
And have you told her? No.
Well, you should.
Debbie, this is Geoff in the cockpit.
First of all, I'd like to start off by saying what an exemplary job you're doing in the cabin, but it's heart on sleeve time.
Debbie, I love you.
So, I need to know if you feel the same way.
Now, we're 90 minutes from the glittering city of Ho Chi Minh, the perfect spot for a nice dinner date with me, Geoff, your co-pilot.
Signing off.
Oh, you've come for my cup, haven't you? Thank you, Debbie? Debbie.
You think there's a chance you might have rushed into that, Geoff? Quite possibly, yes.
What's the bookworm up to? Have a guess.
Reading a book? You got it.
I think we're going to have to keep an eye on Bookworm.
Long Hair's smoking a fat one.
I tell you what, Bert, I think I've taken a bit of a shine to Long Hair.
I think we're going to have some fun, Bert.
Hello, there.
Hello, again.
Lovely little spot you've found yourself.
Are you sure we're in the right field? Yeah.
Let me see, then, Halfords, Blacks, Millets? Blacks.
Can't go wrong with Blacks.
Do you mind? What's that you got behind your back, Long Hair? He's talking about that fat old reefer you're doing a bad job of concealing.
It's nothing, it's just a Oh, don't piss your pants, Long Hair.
Well, go on, then, pass the dutchie.
Oh, that's got a lovely buzz to it, has that.
I've got a question for you, Long Hair, if you could kiss any Hollywood star, who would it be? What? I like the girl from Twilight.
Kristen Stewart.
I don't know their names.
I also like that High School Musical.
He watches it with the sound turned down.
Yeah, but only because I don't like the music.
I know.
Um, can you show us where the toilets are, please? Cos we can't see any signs.
Long Hair, why don't you come over here and slide in next to me.
He's all right where he is.
Bert? Yes, Moon? Could I have a word with you, please in private? Certainly, Moon.
Hang on to that, Long Hair.
Don't finish it.
What? You're hogging him.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, Bert.
I told you I'd taken a shine to Long Hair right from the get-go.
That doesn't mean you got sole rights over him, does it? You want me to sit next to Bookworm? I don't want to sit next to Bookworm.
I want to sit next to Long Hair.
You always do this.
When? Glasto '98.
Big Chill 2000.
Guys We've got to make a move, don't want to miss the Maccabees.
Oh, have you not heard? The lead singer did a sound check, fell off the stage, broke his face.
Yeah.
It's all in bits.
Seriously? But that is the Maccabees.
Oops, looks like we've been sprung! You see, I told you it'd be Bookworm who'd catch us out.
What's that for? Oh, what, this? This is for putting holes in you like a watering can.
I don't know what you lot are gawping at.
I'd get running if I were you.
La-la-la-la! Woo! Boo! I tell you what, the Maccabees can't hear you now, Bookworm.
Stab in the dark, but I'm guessing that you are a fan of Game Of Thrones.
Long Hair! I thought I could smell boy.
Watch it, it's heavy, that.
Looks like Long Hair's found the bear trap, then.
Look up for me there, Long Hair.
That's it.
You ready? Go! You made me love you.
You made me love you.
Tell you what, Moon, if we get a wiggle on, we'll be in time to catch Foals.
It's The Foals.
No, it's Foals.
No, it's The Foals.
No, Foals.