Catastrophe (2015) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Siri, I need help from Rob Norris.
- I wanted to introduce Olivia Vasseur.
- Hello.
I thought to myself, I'd like to suck his cock until he passes out.
- I need a short-term loan.
Just 10 grand.
- How much are we 15 if you want.
My dad's losing his fucking marbles.
You know, he left the door open.
The dog's dead.
It could have been Frankie.
Bridget and Rob.
Who the fuck is Bridget? - How was that? - Super fun.
- Did you ask what I told you to? - Which question? If I thrust too deeply, will my penis hole latch onto the IUD coil thingy and pull it out? Yeah, no, it's fine.
They put it more than two and a half inches inside me.
Well then, we're all set, then! (She groans) So do we go IUD or vasectomy? I'm not going on the pill again.
Last time I went on the pill, I put on two stone, like, just to my face.
Ah well, is it easy to take the IUD out if it doesn't agree with you? Yeah.
It says here it can be removed quite easily by any qualified butcher or bus driver.
Well, then, maybe we should go that route.
I mean, to be honest, a vasectomy makes me nervous now.
I don't want to have more children, but I want to be able to have more children.
Yeah.
No.
(She sighs) I think I'll go IUD, then.
I don't know.
We could just use condoms.
(They laugh) We have to do something, though.
We're fucked if I get pregnant again, especially now I'm going back to work.
I mean, that would just be taking the piss.
You really want to go back so soon? I mean, Muireann's only four months old.
Did you say that to yourself as you went off to work yesterday? "Oh, I'm not sure if I should go to work today.
"Muireann's only four months old.
" Well, maybe if I could feed her with my body I would.
Oh, I have good news.
700 years ago, they invented formula, and now men can feed the babies they make! I love her so much.
I need to get away from her, though.
So what's the plan? We put them both into nursery? I want to take Frankie out of there anyway.
He asked me for a cup of milk yesterday.
He called me love.
He sounds like Jason Statham.
We'll just get a childminder.
A full-time childminder will cost almost as much as your - teaching salary pays.
- Yeah.
So you want to go back to a job that takes you away from your kids - to earn no money? - Bingo.
- How were they? - Frankie was great.
She's tricky, though.
- Yeah, she's a terrible person.
- Sharon! - How was the funeral? - Ah, it was lovely.
- They laid on a big chilli and rice.
- Oh, right.
The rice wasn't cooked properly.
At a funeral! Like people hadn't enough to worry about.
That's true.
Whose funeral was it? Your cousin's wife.
Ellen.
Sickle cell anaemia.
Terrible.
Usually only African people are supposed to get that, you know.
You two should have shown your faces, really.
- Ah, she's very fond of you, Fergal.
- I said a prayer for her, Mum.
Ah, 'tis lovely seeing the little ones.
Come here to your granny.
- We miss them, Des, don't we? - Ah.
Well, you should get over more, then.
Well We've been thinking about moving to London to be nearer the grandchildren.
What do you think about that? (Someone breaks wind) Dad seems all right.
Yeah, well, he isn't.
He called me Uncle Tommy at breakfast and I found three tins of chickpeas in his suitcase yesterday.
He's breaking wind constantly.
Mallandra's really upset.
(She laughs) Oh, God.
I don't know why I'm laughing.
We're fucked if they move here.
I always thought you'd move back to Ireland - to look after them.
- What the hell? Come on, you were 40, single, no dependants.
You were on a bullet train headed straight for that situation.
Then he swings in on a vine and saves you.
Now what? You ready to go? Hey, Fergal, listen.
About that loan - do you think - What loan? - Uh, the loan that I - I'm just taking the piss.
Do you want to meet for lunch during the week? Thursday's best for me, cos every other day I have body balance.
Thursday? OK.
I'll see you Monday.
Shit, shit.
So, it's a beautiful day out, and I found myself thinking, I could make this day last five times longer by smoking a bunch of coke, or I could call my good friend Rob Norris and have him bore that idea out of me.
Uh, one day at a time, fake it till you make it, and, ah, don't run so fast that your guardian angel can't keep up.
- Come on, man.
- Hang in there, buddy.
Come on! Fuck! Harita, what can I do for you? I'm going to need you to start thinking about an ad campaign for the new Trialaphan drug.
- OK.
What does it do? - Well, we're not certain it does anything, but testing suggests it might not do nothing.
- Hey! - Hey.
I've just read the same sentence about Rhianna five times.
I still don't get it.
I'm a moron now.
Well, maybe try reading a book instead of a shit-rag that tells adult women they shouldn't have hair on their adult pussies.
Yeah.
I hate myself.
You know, I've been thinking about you going back to work, and I wanted to let you know that I support that.
Thank you.
I'll tell the other sister wives.
Well now, I was also thinking, you know, instead of paying a stranger to be with our children, maybe we should think about me being a stay-at-home dad for a while.
(She laughs) OK! - Is that a joke? - No, it's not a joke.
I mean, we're in a good position now.
We've got money in the bank.
I'd get to spend time with the children, use the time to rethink a few things.
You know, find something that suits me a little better.
Oh, so like a gap year? All right, look, I j, I can't do it any more.
I can't.
You know, I had a meeting yesterday with a guy who had no whites in his eyes.
They were just black, like a shark.
I mean, these are the people I work with every day.
I can tell the idea really appeals to you.
Well, no, it it does, it's just I think the time to quit your job would have been before you had two kids, you know? I mean, it's hard for a mother to say, "You can stop earning money now!" You know, what about if you just got a really fulfilling hobby? Right, so like, uh, smoking my own meats? Or magic? See if one of those can cure my spirit cancer? Well, now you're just being that's silly.
I meant photography or something, you know? Like well - the saxophone.
- You know what? I'm going to take up golf.
See how you like that.
I'm going to spend all our money on golf equipment and golf holidays, and every weekend you can mind the kids while I play golf like a fucking golfer.
- Well, don't take up golf.
- You can't have it both ways! Look, I'm not saying don't quit your job.
I'm just saying, let's look at the bigger picture and you know, talk about it.
- (TV blares) - All right, well (He sighs) (Bell rings) Beautiful! (They coo) Gorgeous.
- What age is she now? - Four months.
Is that a new printer? That's elegant.
Is this Jesus, is this new carpet? - What's going on?! - She doesn't look like you at all.
I think I think she does.
I think she does look like me.
- Are you sure she's yours? - Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Can you not Sorry, can you not do that with your finger? Don't want her to get a nicotine buzz.
- When are you back with us? - I was thinking soon.
Like, you know, in a in a few weeks.
- How old is the baby? - Still four months.
You're not going to take the whole 52 - weeks? - No, I'm fucking not.
(She laughs) Sorry, no, I'm not.
So what's the what's the craic, lads? What's going on? (Bell rings) OK, well, I'm going to be here for a bit, so if anyone wants to - See you later.
- Yeah, catch up.
I'll see you soon.
Yeah.
Bye, bye, bye.
I'll just be here.
All right, Pete? How's the breast-feeding going? Fine.
When my wife stopped nursing, it was the smell I missed the most.
My wife was like, "Don't get used to the smell, won't be around forever.
" And I was like, "I don't care.
" But she was right.
And I did care.
It's nice to smell it again.
I'm going to wait outside.
This is a better table.
Thanks, man.
I wanted to start getting our finances in order, cos I'm thinking about - What's this? - What's this? It's your money.
Rather, it's a spreadsheet explaining how your money is mingling with other money and growing, making little money babies.
Having much more fun than if it was sitting in some savings account.
It wasn't in a savings account.
It was a mutual fund that I had to pay a penalty to get it out of.
- What even is this? What is it?! - What is this? If you repeat a question back to me again I'm going to fucking go bananas.
- Hey, man, just relax.
OK, just listen.
- No.
No, I won't.
Some real estate guys I know are opening a resort in Budva.
- Where the fuck is that? - Budva! - Montenegro! Yeah.
- Montenegro? - Have you been? Listen, - No! No-one has! it's in the early planning stages, but you're going to get your money back and then some.
So you'll probably look back on how mad you are now and laugh, by the way.
Probably wouldn't be a good idea to tell Sharon about this.
I can think of a scenario where she wouldn't kill us both, so no need to worry about that.
[Speaking French.]
Don't you French at me! Montenegro! This has to go.
- Thank you so much for coming in - Mrs Hammond! Hi! Sorry, can I Is this a good time for a quick word? Ms Norris, I'm just talking to - Mr Warner here.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.
Um we'd just like to address some little issues with Gabriel that we have.
He is such a firecracker in the classroom, but we we need to find a way of containing his energy, and I'm wondering whether you could help us with that.
We are working our hardest, because he's actually a very able boy, and we want to find a way - of bringing the best out of him.
I think - Sorry, I'm I'm just going - the incident with Arthur last term - to book an appointment with Sue.
So was very worrying.
- Sorry.
- I'm wondering whether he has breakfast? - Yes, of course he does.
- So hopefully see you when I - I'm not sure if you - OK, thanks.
Bye.
Sorry.
I think somebody's hungry.
I forgot my bread.
(Knocking at door) - May I come in? - Yeah.
Yes, um, what's up? I don't want things to continue to be awkward between us.
Neither do I.
I-I think that th-the way I spoke to you a few weeks ago was not What I mean is, I shouldn't have said those things.
Hey, we all say crazy things sometimes.
I mean, I probably could have done certain things differently too.
- So I didn't imagine it? - No, I don't think you did.
- The tension between us.
- Yeah, of course there was tension.
I'm really sorry.
Well, don't torture yourself on my account.
I mean, if I wasn't married I mean, if my marriage were in slightly worse shape, I would totally What I mean is, you're very beautiful.
Er, too beautiful to work in the same building as me, anyway.
And well, look, I'll shut up now, but yes, there was tension, and now there isn't, because here we are saying there shouldn't be.
Cool.
I'll let you finish your stinky kebab.
Peppa.
- Hey! - Hi.
How was work? Not a total nightmare today.
Cool! Oh my God, you all smell so good.
I dropped into school today.
I've got a meeting with Hammond on Thursday.
They've got a new carpet in the staffroom.
What?! Yeah.
I mean, it's more carpet tiles, but - Still.
- I know! What were you doing with Fergal earlier? - Mallandra said he was with you.
- Oh, we just grabbed lunch.
I need to talk to him about Dad.
Really need to figure out what to do.
Well, have you thought about, like, residential care? Yeah, but what about my mum? She's young, you know? She's cool.
She doesn't want to be hanging around with a load of old eejits, just playing bingo and flicking through coffin catalogues.
Well, maybe she would.
Have you asked her? (She laughs) It's not funny! Are you asking me if I'd be OK with them moving in here? - Because - I don't know.
I don't know what I'm asking.
I mean, if the shoe was on the other foot you know, if you wanted your mother to move in with us, I would work really hard to try and find a way to make that not happen.
- Of course.
- But we need to help my dad.
He would never ask for help, and he deserves it.
This is the man who took on the nuns for me.
Like, high-ranking nuns.
Like, the dangerous ones.
The ones that can fuck you up.
OK, well, let's think about it.
I mean, the kids might like it if they moved in here.
And you know, they say pets are good to have around to teach kids about mortality, so grandparents would be like yeah? No? D-do you not think? No? - Ah! - Oh, heh - Don't get up.
- Oh Sorry What? - How are we? Very good.
Welcome back.
- Thank you.
Thanks you.
- It feels like - How are mothering duties treating you? Oh, well, it's, er, you know, it's really We've had Mr Lawlor off with his back six months now.
- Oh, God - And Ms Fanning - left us last month to pursue her yoga.
- Aw! Well, that's a - I must hit her up for some free - What can I do for you? Er, just to talk about coming back, really.
- Um, I know you've had a temporary - Miss Shanahan.
Yeah, she seems I met her in the When would you be interested in returning? I think ASAP, really.
I-I mean, t-to be honest, I didn't realise how much I love teaching until I had to be around my own kids 24 hours a day.
I love my kids.
I want to be around them maybe eight hours a day? The rest of the hours, I want to be somewhere else! (She laughs nervously) I mean it's it's it's it's been wonderful.
You know, I mean, it-it's everything I hoped and part of me will find it very tricky to leave them, because You know, especially Muireann, because, you know, she's only (Tearfully) I mean she's just four months old.
And it-it-it took a while to bond with her, so now I feel like, every day, I'm just, sort of, making up for lost And that's hard on Frankie You know, he's he's he's my eldest.
Um, because that takes attention away from him and, er, he was very, erm, sick.
I-I don't know if you? He was premature.
And, you know, he was so tiny.
And my husband and I nearly broke up because of the strain, but, um, I mean, Frankie's fine now.
He's apart from his kidneys.
And one of his ears is is is still I mean, we're lucky.
We're very lucky.
Really.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that, um It's just hard.
(Tearfully) You know, just to know how to do things best.
(She snuffles) Oh, shit.
Sorry.
(They both chuckle) - I think a little more time.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Take some time with the children.
- Yeah, I think maybe just - a little bit more time.
- Yeah.
- It's been lovely to see you! - It's been lovely! It's been lovely.
Thank you.
Thank you so much and I'll, er yeah.
Hey! You wanted to see me? - You know Margaret from HR? - Yeah.
Hi, Margaret.
Rob.
Olivia's made a rather serious complaint against you.
What? She said you made sexual remarks towards her in your office and she no longer feels comfortable working in the same environment as you.
What? What?! She said you told her that "If your marriage was in slightly worse shape, "you would totally want an affair with her "and that she was too beautiful to work in the same building as you.
" OK.
Hmmm.
Did she tell you that, a few weeks ago, she told me that she wanted to suck my cock until I passed out? That kind of language is utterly inappropriate and vile! I fucking agree! I'm going to ask you to step out now, Rob.
I will step out, but I'll be stepping back in, tout suite, to receive an apology from all three of you.
I know You know what, you can stick your apologies up your asses.
And not in a sexual way.
I'm taking a leave of absence.
Margaret, I'll thank you to sort that.
Harita, thank you for everything.
Olivia, I hope you die in a fire and that's not a threat, it's just wish that I have in my own private heart.
Shit.
(Muireann gurgles cheerfully) (Phone rings) Hello? Hey! I'm going to give you a chance to explain the £15,000 withdrawal from our account before I go fucking apeshit on you.
(Rob sighs) I can hear you thinking.
Don't think, just start talking! Fergal! Fergal asked me for money.
Fergal asked you and not me? Yes, and I'm a dangerous moron for giving it to him, but when he asked, I thought I was being noble or some bullshit.
I'm going to kill him.
And you, you fucking liar! - How am I - Giving £15,000 of our money away without telling me is lying! No, it isn't! I wanted to help your brother, not mine, to keep a roof over his family's head.
I don't even like him! - Now, I'm going to fucking kill him.
- No! I'm killing him.
I'm going to kill him! I'm going to go and kill him now! And since when did you become a letter opener? I haven't seen you open a letter from the bank or any letter Just throw mail on the letter mountain on the thing! - Hey! Sold enough drugs for one day? - Oh, Christ.
Hey, I'm having fun, man! This is, um Leslie.
We met on Tinder.
Her profile picture is her giving the finger to a tiger and I was like, "Yes! I want to hang out with you!" Hi.
- What about your liver, Dave? - Oh, liver, sliver.
I'm on donor waiting lists at a bunch of hospitals in America.
- I'll be fine! - Jesus Christ.
Also, Catherine dumped me.
D-did-did I tell you? So, I really want her to think I'm in danger, that's what this is all about.
You don't think it's about you being a sissy alcoholic asshole who just wants to get loaded? Also a possibility.
Oh, my God, look at that.
Jesus Christ.
Do not talk with, look at her, she is the crazy, bad person! Oh! Shit, is she the one you fucked a toilet for? Shut up, man! Hey hey y-you want to come to Lucky Voice with us? You want to do karaoke? Go to hospital or something, please.
Just get away from me.
Rob Norris! Y-you're a wet blanket, Rob! You're a wet blanket and a bad friend! Y-you're not my friend any more if you don't come to karaoke with us! Oh, hey.
Do you want a Don't speak.
You should have come to me.
What were you going to do? You're a teacher.
Have a fecking bake sale for me? I needed money, I still need money.
Things are expected of me because I'm a man.
- Oh, for God's sake! - You don't understand, everything's on a knife edge.
We have to move.
- Mallandra, she can't even look at me - Hello! We're back.
I'll get you the money back as soon as I can, OK? Just please don't tell Mum and Dad.
- Offer to let them move in with you.
- (Snorts) Come on! Let them move in with you until we can sort something permanent out.
- No way! You fucking terrorist! - I'll tell them Hey! Do you want a cup of tea? Oh, don't mind if I do.
Fergal has some fun news! Oh! (Sharon making moo sounds with Muireann) - You look awful - Sounds about right.
Well, you should feel awful.
I went to see Fergal, he's going to give the money back.
When he has it.
But he's going to shoulder the Mum and Dad shit.
- OK? That's the deal.
- Great! Because it's not worth falling out with family over money.
- No, I guess - And when I say family, I mean my brother.
- I don't mean you.
- OK.
Here's some other news, just before I found out my husband gives our money away, I broke down in front of the headmistress.
Full snot-cry, as we both realised I'm not ready to go back to work.
And I feel bad saying this, but I really don't want you to give up your job.
Snorts: Right.
- OK.
Right.
- This is the first time in-in my life I've had choices.
We've had choices.
We can go on nice holidays or, you know, we can buy a dress we like that isn't in the sale I know you take a taxi back from the gym sometimes! The point is, we have choices.
- I can't stay there - Why not? Because your job is is morally challenging? Well, whose job isn't? I used to have to cast the smart, talented kids in the summer play so it would reflect well on the school, when I should've been casting the fat, shy ones.
I didn't like doing that, but I liked getting a pay cheque once a month.
I can't go back there, honey.
What do you mean, you can't go back there? What's happened? - (He laughs) - Rob.
Well So Earlier today (Both giggle) (Laughing) It's almost silly! Is what it is what it is.
Do you want to put the baby down?