Chad (2021) s02e05 Episode Script

1
[RAPID GUNFIRE, TIRES
SQUEALING ON MOVIE SCREEN]
MAN: Hang on. I know
where we need to go.
My God, there he goes again.
This doofus has been
wrong at every turn.
[TIRES SCREECHING, MAN
SCREAMING ON MOVIE SCREEN]
Okay, random-ass car crash.
[THUDDING ON MOVIE SCREEN]
Oh, shit, he dead.
Wow, I was starting to get attached
to that character a little bit.
[WHISPERING]
[GIGGLES]
What?
[WHISPERING]
♪
No!
There are p-people all around us.
Guys, look, Tyrese
just got his son back.
Do you even care about
supporting the arts?
Wait, he's back now?
I thought he was dead.
Oh, look who decided to use her mouth
for something other than kissing.
- Chad.
- What's up, my man?
Anything you missed about Tyrese,
- I will remember to tell you after
- Chad, we're dating.
It's perfectly normal
for us to kiss each other.
Okay, sure, Peter.
Why don't you just get naked
and let her squeeze your penis?
- What?
- Forget it, I can't take any more
of this sexual horseplay.
Oh, shit.
Peter, be careful!
MAN: Shh!
Calm down, sir, it's a matinee.
[CANDIES CLATTERING]
How is it still coming out of me?
♪
Ground rules?
Well, since Saturday night
was basically the two of you
starring in a porno movie,
yeah, I have some ground
rules moving forward.
Well, let's just hear him out.
Sometimes restrictions
can be constructive,
- or even titillating.
- Okay, first rule,
please do not use the
word "titillating."
It has "tit" in it.
Also, please no baby-ish giggling.
Let's just say no giggling
in general, actually, okay?
- I don't like it.
- Oh, boy.
There's a playfulness to it
- that really pisses me off.
- Stop him.
And no whispering to each
other in a romantic way.
Well, sometimes Denise's
throat gets tired,
so she has to whisper.
Okay, I will allow for medical whispers
and medical whispers only.
Maybe you could just let
Peter make his own choices.
Oh, yeah, let's do that.
- Well, I'm I
- See, Denise?
It's not going to work.
I printed this at a Kinko's, you guys.
I don't have access to an
air print feature in my house.
I went out of my way to make
this explicitly clear to you.
If this is what it takes for
us to spend some time together
without you constantly
bothering us, fine.
Okay, great. So I think it's only fair
we split up his time extremely randomly.
I'll take Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, Sunday,
and you can have the other days.
I think it's more fair
if we alternate nights.
You can take Friday, I'll have Saturday,
let's say starting at 3:00 p.m.?
Let's say 3:30.
3:30 on Saturday?
♪
Chad?
♪
Are you good?
No, wait, do I want Saturday?
Watch out for the guy at 9:00.
Peter, I told you, I don't
know how to do clock stuff!
On your left.
Well, which way is my left?
The side with your birthmark, Chad.
Oh! Oh, yes!
Oh! Dude!
Yeah!
Okay, what's next?
That was incredible, and now
it's your turn to have fun.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, you're gonna just
sit in the chair for this one? Okay.
Oh, Peter, I think my screen is wrong.
I'm just staring at a ravine.
No, that's right.
I guess it's not even a game then.
It's more of just we're
watching a national park.
Oh, I feel like I'm flying.
And now how do you
feel about stopping this
and doing something else?
- Oh.
- Okay, Peter, you got this.
Concentrate.
[SIGHS] I don't think we're
gonna get this tonight.
Yes, we will, man, come on.
This isn't just for us.
It's for the Internet, too.
Check it.
♪
- Oh!
- Oh!
[LAUGHS] I got it in the volcano!
- [LAUGHS] That was so awesome!
- Oh, man.
Dude, you know what we
haven't done in so long?
- Spinnies?
- Spinnies!
[LAUGHTER]
- Aah!
- Whoa! [LAUGHS]
Oh, my God!
- Whoa!
- Oh.
Oh, my God, we were supposed
to be in bed 30 minutes ago.
[LAUGHS] Oh, we're such rebels.
- The rebellion has begun.
- Mm.
- Do you think your parents are still fighting?
- What?
[TOOTHBRUSHES VIBRATING, BOTH GIGGLING]
So much fun.
Mm.
So, what time do you want
me to wake you up tomorrow?
Mm, let's see what time my
body naturally wants to wake.
Don't let me go past
noon, though, please.
- Got it.
- Sweet. [SPITS]
Dude, so much fun tonight.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
What What was your favorite part?
Hmm. What would you say?
Mm, we're probably
gonna say the same thing.
You go first.
- I guess the virtual
- Virtual reality, yes!
[SPITS]
Hey, you're not gonna
rinse after you spit?
You animal!
My dentist says it's healthier.
♪
Hmm.
♪
Hmm.
[HUMMING]
♪
Conair.
I love that movie.
♪
Peter, you want to tell me
why in the hell you have sex condoms?
♪
I'm absolutely devastated.
Exactly how long have
you been a ho on the low?
Chad, I didn't want you to find them.
Peter, for God's sakes,
there's like 50 condoms in here!
How many goddamn penises do you have?
Just hear me out, Chad.
Denise and I haven't had sex yet.
[SIGHS] Thank God.
But we've been talking about
it, and I want to be prepared.
How could you even keep
something like this from me?
I was worried you'd be upset.
Plus, I had to test out
a few different styles
and thicknesses just to find
the most comfortable fit for me.
You got different kinds of condoms
and put them up on your penis
until you found the
one that impressed you?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Is that something every boy does,
or just something you do 'cause you're,
you know, the way that you are?
I don't know.
I don't know either.
Peter, I always pictured
us losing our virginities
together in adjoining
hotel rooms in Las Vegas
after a freaking magic show!
I know, buddy, I know. I'm sorry.
Oh. [SCOFFS]
Don't be sorry. [CHUCKLES] That's crazy.
No, I'm really happy we talked about it.
Yeah, I'm mostly just wanting
to make sure you're ready,
you know, so that you don't get stuck
with AIDS, HIV, or quintuplets.
Well, I am, and so is Denise.
In fact, I think tomorrow's
going to be the big night,
so yeah.
Tomorrow?
Yeah.
You're so calm right now.
I guess I'll be more excited
when it actually happens, yeah.
Let's hope so. Otherwise,
your penis is broken.
♪
Peter, are you awake?
♪
Peter.
♪
Aww. [CHUCKLES]
♪
[SNORTS]
[CHUCKLES] Sleepy little Peter.
[CHUCKLES]
What the heck?
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC
PLAYING ON CELLPHONE]
♪
Just full-out inseparable.
It's cute.
Oh, yeah, that day.
♪
Oh. Oh, God.
♪
[CRYING] Why is my
phone doing this to me?
I can't put my mother in a home.
MARIA: Well, there's no
way she's living here.
- Over my dead body.
- Maria, she fractured her hip.
What What do you want her to do?
- She's
- Hey, Bill.
- Hi.
- Hey, Maria.
How long were you standing there?
Guys were mad about mom mom stuff.
- No, we're fine, yeah.
- We're fine. It's fine.
For what it's worth,
Bill, I love your mom.
- Thank you.
- So, I hope Maria agrees
to look after her as she
- Okay.
- slowly passes away.
Oh, she's No, that's
not what's happening.
- Oh, sorry about that.
- That's okay.
Usually with old age, I feel
like injuries lead to death.
Is everything okay, bud?
We were about to watch "Forensic Files."
Everything's not okay.
You guys are not gonna like this.
Getting on the bed. [CHUCKLES]
I found these in Peter's drawer.
They're condoms.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I see that.
Unless he's doing finger puppets,
there's only one thing they can be for.
- Mm.
- [SIGHS]
Should we wake him up,
and which one of you wants to tell him
he can no longer have sex?
Uh, sweetie.
I know that some people
are moving a lot faster
than other people through life,
but I think the best
thing you can do right now
is just to accept what's happening
and be happy for your friend.
With all due respect, where
the hell is the parenting here?
- That's not gonna happen.
- No.
Bill, you've got to lay
down the hammer, Bill.
I-I don't I don't have
I don't have a hammer. I don't.
Alright, I'll just go ahead
and let you guys get back
to what I can only imagine
are the final gasps of your marriage.
I love you guys.
♪
PETER: Chad, you don't have to do this.
Denise, I know what you intend
to do to Peter's body tonight.
- You told him?
- He found the condoms.
I found the condoms.
It happened very organically,
no matter what gets back to you.
And I got to admit, at first,
I was a little reluctant
to get on board.
Not something we need you to do.
But I reflected for a while
and, completely on my own,
came to a place of acceptance.
- This is so weird.
- It's funny, I was actually doing some research,
and it turns out today
is also the anniversary
of the assassination of John Kennedy.
- Come on, Chad.
- So sad.
So don't be hard on
yourselves, but, yeah,
I'm guessing it will be impossible
not to think of that motorcade
during all the sex parts.
- My God, please, Chad.
- I mean, the video really shows it all.
Darling Jackie crawling
out the back of the car
to put her sweet husband back together.
- He'll be done soon.
- She didn't think that was
gonna happen when she
threw on that cute little
- pink skirt suit that morning.
- Chad.
One day you're cruising on a
convertible with the top down,
- and the next
- Please stop.
- Baby, let me handle this.
- Bam!
Little John-John is
saluting your casket
in front of the international community.
Chad, if you were trying to
creep us out of having sex,
it's not going to work, and
you were supposed to be gone
- 15 minutes ago.
- Thank you, Peter.
Whoa, message received, Peter.
I'm sorry this is happening on the day
that changed our nation forever.
One last thing.
It's pretty commonly known
that the first time can definitely hurt.
- Oh, my God.
- So if that happens,
Peter, there's no shame.
Tell her it's hurting
and tell her to stop.
Um, I don't think that's how it works.
Peter, this is no time for machismo.
You're a modern man.
Pull out if it hurts.
♪
Stop it! Stop having sex!
Get out of her!
Uh, Chad, we haven't gotten to that yet.
Oh, thank God. [SIGHS]
Well, then, allow me to calmly
tell you we are not ready.
What does that mean?
What do you mean "we"?
Neither of us are ready
for that stage of our lives.
And I'll let you know when we are.
You'll thank me later, Peter.
This is for your own good!
Chad, you can't flush those!
♪
Chad, you can't throw
condoms down a toilet.
- What were you thinking?
- I'mma be real with you, Bill,
I was at an emotional 10.
I was not thinking.
And obviously, I'm so sorry I
won't be able to reimburse you
for any of those damages.
Okay, um, Peter and Denise,
I hope that this didn't
ruin your special day.
Wait, do your parents know?
[SIGHS] This is so creepy.
Oh, no, no, no, sweetheart,
it's very natural,
and, please, if you
guys need more condoms,
we are more than happy to buy you some.
Appreciate it, but I
think we'll pass on that.
Alright, um, let's give them some space.
Yeah, this is fun. [CLEARS THROAT]
- Thanks, you guys.
- Mm-hmm.
- Chad, why are you doing this?
- I don't know.
Come Come on, there
has to be a reason.
- I don't know.
- You have to know.
Because, Peter, once
you start having sex,
you're probably never gonna stop
and then I'll never see you again.
Oh, buddy.
I'm I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'm never gonna leave you behind.
Are you kidding me right now, Peter?
- Uh
- I'm the one you should be saying sorry to.
Okay. Uh, I'm sorry.
Forget it. I don't want a sorry.
I wanted to have sex with my boyfriend
without getting repeatedly cock blocked
by his co-dependant best friend.
- No, Denise, wait.
- Just leave her.
Get off me, Chad.
You did not just jostle me right now.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Stop!
Freakin' rip your head off your body!
Don't suffocate me!
Do not suffocate me!
[BOTH CONTINUE GRUNTING]
Get off of me!
What is wrong with you?!
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
You need to leave.
Fine.
♪
Aah! Dumbass stupid
slippery foot pedals!
♪
[GRUNTS]
Chaddy, is everything okay?
No, and I don't want to talk about it!
Of course. I'm here if you need me.
Aah! How could I leave my rook exposed?
- Rookie mistake.
- Rookie mistake!
[LAUGHS] Oh, that killed me, literally.
Oh, Mohsen, 45 years of
playing chess with you
and it never gets old.
[INDISTINCT]
♪
My God.
♪
Excuse me, missus.
Can you open this case?
I'm ready to make my selection.
It's actually for someone
pretty special, not me.
If you have any recommendations
- No.
- Okay.
Feels like I'm playing
penis roulette here.
[SIGHS]
Do you by any chance have one
that says "for his pleasure"?
It's really him that I'm
trying to create pleasure for.
That's gonna be no condom.
[CHUCKLES]
Love that. [CHUCKLES]
I'll just get a little medley.
- Alright.
- I'm assuming these are all very affordable.
Thank you for your help.
Yeah.
♪
Not sure of these relate,
but let's go ahead and
throw those in, too.
Do I hand them to you here?
- Uh Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
You got this.
Did your turtle really get run over?
To be honest, no.
Misha is thriving.
But I did say that to
get you to come here.
Please follow me.
Well, I just wanted to
apologize to you guys
for being a real
jerk-off and a bad friend.
And to make it up to you guys
I want you to have your sexual
intercourse in my bedroom.
- What?
- I figured you probably don't want to do it
at Peter's house now,
and my family's at Niki's
dumbass basketball game.
So, yeah, there's a beach
towel and some vegetable oils.
- Hmm.
- It's canola.
It's not organic.
Wow, Chad, you really
put in some effort here.
I really did.
Check this out.
You can get those signs to
say anything you want now.
I picked the word that
is what we're gonna
is happening in here.
Chad, this is, you know, really sweet,
but I don't think Denise wants
our first time to be on
It's great. It's perfect, let's go.
- Okay, guess we're doing this.
- Okay, Denise is horned up.
Oh, I almost forgot.
- Those are for you.
- Oh. Thanks, Chad.
And this is for you.
"Her pleasure," so it's probably scented
or has little shapes or
sparkles you might like.
As insane as this all
is, I can tell it's coming
from a good place, so thanks, Chad.
Thank you.
Are you sure you want us
to have sex on your bed?
Very sure.
Go to town on each other.
I welcome it.
Will you text me when it's done?
You got it.
Ugh. [CHUCKLES] I don't
know why I'm nervous.
Mm.
Thanks again.
You're welcome.
Be good to him.
♪
- So, uh, we just, uh
- Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
♪
Love you.
Love you, too.
♪
Oh, shoot.
You guys, I left my phone in there.
♪
Sorry!
I got hoes calling a
Young Sheck Wes's phone ♪
Phone ♪
Where's Ali with the mother dope? ♪
With the mother dope? ♪
Dope? ♪
With the mother dope? ♪
Dope? ♪
♪
Young Sheck Wes, I do it on the go ♪