Changing Ends (2023) s02e05 Episode Script

COMMENTATOR: 'That puts
Northampton Town six points clear
'at the top of Division Four
'following Richard Hill's
brace at the weekend.
'He really is unstoppable, but
can he lead them into fourth?'
Dad?
The lady who plays
Wonder Woman's
doing a one-woman
show in Birmingham.
Can we get tickets?
Yeah, sure. Sounds fun.
Oh, wow!
Ta-da! We're going on holiday
to a caravan in Great Yarmouth!
Great Yarmouth? How exciting.
What? When? This week.
No. No, it's mid-season.
I'm not losing a
six-point lead, forget it.
I've got Watford sniffing around,
trying to poach Richard Hill. No.
If I was in a bib and shorts,
you'd take more bloody
interest in me. No.
Are we still going
to see Wonder Woman?
What? Definitely no.
I've got enough on my plate
without all this rubbish.
And besides, Ron won't
Ah, I've spoken to Ron,
and he agrees with me.
He says you're stressed
and you're irritable,
and you need a
break. No, I don't.
We're not in a cup, we've
got no games this weekend.
We are going to Great
Yarmouth to relax.
Hmm, actually, Mum, this
doesn't work for me.
I've got my presentation
on Angela Lansbury.
Ah. Since when did you start
dictating when we went on holiday?
OK, well, what do
I do with this?
Ooh! Ugh! Burn it!
Well, that's a bit harsh. Ugh.
This isn't fair.
Why does football come
first all the time?
It's my job.
It's only eight men kicking
a ball around a field.
Eleven. Eleven.
Even with the wire wool, I
couldn't get this sausage off.
Oh. Thanks, Ange.
Not that I'll be needing it this
weekend, we're off on holiday.
Ooh. Well, if you need
someone to water your plants,
I'm only across the road.
Oh, bless you, Ange, but I
couldn't possibly impose,
and anyway, I don't
have a spare key.
I've got one. I took the
liberty of pressing yours
into a bar of Camay last
Christmas, had one made.
SHE SCOFFS
I'd rather you didn't come
round. I'll only pop my head in.
Please don't. I will.
Speaking of holidays, you heard?
Binbag Diane up the road just got
back from a week in a caravan.
Pfft!
Where are you off to? Spain.
Ooh. You been?
Oh, yeah, we love a bull fight.
Meatballs, tomato
sauce, patatas bravas.
Anyway, best be
off. Packing to do.
Make sure you keep
hydrated, yeah?
You can't afford to lose any
more moisture from your face.
Silly cow.
ALAN CARR: 'Holidays
an opportunity for you
'to have quality time
with your family.
'Where you can stop, relax,
'and realise you don't want any
more quality time with your family.'
Ugh!
HE SNIFFS Why does it smell?
Oh! I'm bursting.
HE SIGHS
TOILET FLUSHES, GRAHAM GROANS
Oh, it's blocked.
Right, er Give us one
of your coat hangers.
No, it's got my clothes on.
I'll go and get a stick, then.
Don't be going out and
treading the mud in.
Oh, yeah, because I'd
hate to dirty this carpet.
Why would we leave
our house by choice
to stay somewhere with less
space and less facilities?
It's tiny!
You can go to the toilet, wash up
and make a fry-up at the same time.
That's not normal.
Oh, give it a rest.
I can't believe I'm
missing school for this.
I'll probably forget
how to read and write,
and end up living in
a caravan permanently.
I've always been a snob.
I never use toilet
paper, only washlets.
Do you think I wanna be
stuck in this crappy caravan
for the next four days?
Oh! Well, that makes two of us.
We should never have come!
Right, shut it, the both of you.
We are going to make
the best of this,
so the least you can do is
stick a grin on your gobs
and pretend to be having fun.
'Aw, great mum.
Awful holiday rep.'
Right.
STAND SQUEAKS Oh!
Huh?
Ooh.
Finders keepers.
Aw! That's the only
one I haven't read.
OK, you have it.
I am ploughing through a very
entertaining Dorothy L Sayers
at the minute.
Sometimes I have to stop myself
from having two books
on the go, you know?
I'll read it quickly and
then give it back to you.
Where are you? Caravan 367.
I'm Neville. Bye.
'What a turn-up for the books.
'Amongst the gift shop
tat, I'd found a treasure.'
Graham, please, I know
the carpet's disgusting,
but you haven't gotta
wear a hole in it.
Sit down. You're
putting me on edge.
Can we watch the
telly? There isn't one.
We're on holiday. We
could watch telly at home.
Yeah, we could, couldn't we?
SHE SIGHS
Let's talk.
Right.
I might just go to the clubhouse
and see the United result.
Let me know what I miss.
No! No. No football.
We are going to do what
normal families do,
sit in silence and
look out the window.
Oh, let me go? I'll be
ten, 15 minutes max.
Sit down. Oh!
I know what I saw earlier
Board games. HE SIGHS
Ooh. No, thank you.
Aw! Me and Kay play that.
Why am I not surprised?
Oh, we're playing Monopoly.
Really?
But with Trivial Pursuit, it's
fun, and you learn new things.
Who wants to know
the capital of Africa
when you can own a hotel in
Mayfair? That's the life.
Well, as long as I
can be the banker.
Ooh, I love it when
you get all bossy.
'Ugh! They make me wanna be sick in
that little silver top-hat thingy.'
Cracking cuppa, Joy.
It's great to have you back.
Thank you.
I'm sorry you, er
went a bit, you know
cuckoo.
Did you get your flowers?
No. No, I didn't.
I left a post-it note on
your desk for you to
It doesn't matter.
Had a phone call from Watford
again about Richard Hill.
What should I tell 'em?
Tell them we've got a stressed out
manager who needs to kick back.
Watford can wait a few days.
The best things in life ♪
OK.
Are free But you
can give them to ♪
CHRISTINE: Oh, never mind, love.
GRAHAM: Serves you right, Gary.
Three-hundred. Oh,
Gary. Oh, darling.
Graham, why did you
knock down Gary's hotel?
Well, he couldn't pay his rent.
There's no such thing as
a free lunch, Christine.
Which reminds me,
Alan, I own Pall Mall.
Pay up.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oh, I've come second
in a beauty contest.
Should've been first.
Miss, er Miss Moneypenny.
Shall we, er? Go
on, then. THEY LAUGH
I need the toilet.
Well, hurry up, we're
having an early night.
Perhaps the bank should
shut early tonight, Graham.
TOILET FLUSHES
'With our own en
suite out of action,
'I took my chances in the
communal campsite lavs. Hmm.'
BIRD SQUAWKS, ALAN GASPS
Hello?
Is anyone there?
BIRD SQUAWKS Ah!
Where's my caravan?
They all look the same!
Oh, God.
OWLS HOO
We must stop meeting
like this. Oh.
It's you. I'm lost.
Do you wanna pop in?
Er, well, no, cos I'm
only in my pyjamas.
I feel like Wee Willie Winkie.
You're on holiday, you
wear what you like.
Don't tell anyone,
but I've been known
to wear a loose slack
or even a tracksuit.
Oh, you rebel. Pop by
later if you fancy.
I'll be enjoying a weak shandy
with Crosby, Stills and Nash.
I'm surprised you can fit
them all in your caravan.
THEY CHUCKLE Maybe tomorrow.
Sounds delightful.
I'm glad you got lost. I think
I've found a kindred spirit.
I'm Alan. Night, Alan.
Night, Neville.
I'll be ♪
Night! Seeing you
In all ♪
FARTING
Oh, Gary.
GARY CHUCKLES God.
SQUEAKING
What's going on?
Mum! Mum, it's coming
off its moorings!
CHRISTINE: It's just the
wind, love! It's rocking.
It's rocking!
Dad, it's rocking! Why?!
GRAHAM: Shut up,
Alan! It's nothing!
HE GASPS Ah, ah!
Dad! Why's it rocking? Isn't
this meant to be static?!
Alan, will you keep
the noise down?! Help!
Oh, come on. Mum?
Do you think I suit
a pocket watch?
Ooh, no. Alan, drinks, please.
PHONE RINGING WHISPERING:
Get my mobile.
Mum! Dad's after his mobile!
Ooh, you little No!
You're having some time off.
No phoning Ron, no
football. Get it?
I will be looking after
the mobile. PHONE RINGING
I need to know what's going on.
No, not for four
days, you don't.
Smoke! Oh, this
stupid bloody hob.
Oh, it's gonna be ruined
now. Oh, it's only beans.
They're the best
bit. Stop moaning.
I can just scoop
the black bits out.
I think I'll just get
something from the shop.
Hey, sit down.
You'll eat here with us. Your
mum's slaving over a hot pan.
But I don't want burnt beans.
You'll eat what you're given.
You don't even want burnt beans!
So why should I have burnt beans?
This is so not fair! Sit down.
I'm not hungry any more. Oh.
SHE SIGHS, DOOR SHUTS
Wonder if the clubhouse
does a breakfast.
Oh! Hello!
Oh, Alan, your timing's abysmal.
We've just wrapped up a very
competitive game of Trivial Pursuit.
Oh. Here, meet my folks.
Simon. Pippa, we call her Pip.
Nice to meet you.
Tagine?
Hello, Tagine.
THEY LAUGH No, no,
that's my sister Fiona.
I was offering you
tagine. It's on the hob.
It's a Moroccan dish.
Tagine isn't the name
of the food, though,
it's the name of earthenware
dish that it comes in.
Tagine. It's a noun.
Whatever next?
Have you been taken
out of school, too?
Er We teach them
at home ourselves.
We do a much better job than
the comprehensive system.
Yeah, I've been
taken out of school.
And I was supposed to do a
presentation on Angela Lansbury
on Friday.
Marvellous actress.
I mean, such range.
Mm-hm. Have you seen The
Corpse Flew First Class?
Spellbinding.
No, I don't think
I've seen that play.
Murder, She Wrote? It's a TV
show. She always solves the crime.
She's a crime writer. You know,
rides a bike, wears a mac.
We don't watch telly,
it's for idiots.
We'd much rather read a
book or go to the theatre.
Ooh. That's where we saw
Angela, wasn't it, Simon?
She played Gertrude in
Hamlet at the National.
Oh, yes, the whole cast
got a standing ovation.
I started it. Wow!
Can I ask, what are you making?
Oh, it's a dream catcher.
It catches your
dreams above your bed.
What are your dreams, Alan?
Being nude in shopping centres
and my teeth falling out.
Shall we explore the area?
Yeah, I'd like that.
Apparently, there's a
lovely coastal path.
Bye!
We could really help that boy.
Er Hmm.
CHRISTINE: You know what,
I've had enough of this!
You can stick your fry-up
up your arse, then, Graham,
and get a Wimpy!
Alan, do I have beans at the
back? I hope you get diarrhoea!
Yeah, you've got a bit of
bean juice on your tank top.
"Please use the
communal bins provided.
"This will only attract vermin."
Oh, I'm so sorry (!)
Being such a humble
wench, I did not know (!)
What is this bin
that you speak of (!)
Did I sense sarcasm?
Just ignore her.
I think she's simple. Mm.
SHE SIGHS
Sorry, Ron. Watford
called again.
They got quite pushy.
I gave 'em Graham's
landline number,
but he's not back for
a few days, is he?
Watford wait for us, Joy.
But they've doubled their
offer for Richard Hill.
MUSIC: 'Pull Up To The
Bumper' by Grace Jones
Ooh! Shi
SHE EXHALES
PHONE RINGING
Hello. The Carr residence.
I'm afraid he's not
here at the moment.
Watford, you say? Can I
ask who's calling, please?
Elton, as in?
And your last name, please?
Mum? Yes, darling?
Can I get a dream catcher?
What's one of them
when they're at home?
Neville's mum makes them.
Well, you hang them above your bed,
and they catch your bad dreams.
Can't you use a carrier?
Can you believe me and
Neville are both members
of the Agatha Christie fan club?
Yeah, I can believe it.
Neville's mum doesn't let
them watch television.
She says, "It's for idiots."
Oh, says the woman
with the dream catcher.
Right, I'm having
a nice cup of tea.
Do you want one, Graham?
I promise not to throw it
out of the window this time.
Do you know what,
I fancy a beer.
Oh, Graham!
Coming up! Oh,
that is the spirit.
In't this nice?
Can't remember the last time
I saw you without that worry
line going down your forehead.
Elton bloody John calls,
and you tell him to call
back next Wednesday?
I'll give Graham's
mobile another ring.
Yeah, you do that.
Oh, Ron, I might have
to have another tablet.
Not now, Joy. You get
Graham anyway you can.
Bugger his holiday,
this is too important!
PHONE RINGING
I hate quizzes, I
don't know anything.
Yeah, you hate quizzes, but you
don't mind shouting the answers out.
Moi? SHE LAUGHS
Come on, boys. I'm
not going with you.
I'm spending the
night with Neville.
Not like that, I was 12!
I'm going to the quiz
with Neville's family.
And tomorrow, he's taking
me to a tearoom. Oh.
They just really get me.
Oh, well, suit yourself.
Right, where's my mobile?
Right. Out, now!
Move it, Gary. Let's go.
Erm, I'm sure Ron won't deny
you one more night of fun.
Hello, campers,
who wants to win a £10 gift voucher
for Our Price and a cuddly toy?
Give us a cheer!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You can do better than
that. Give us a cheer!
CHEERING
Well, no more Cinzano for you.
Right, pens and pads ready.
Let's get this quiz started!
Oh, a quiz.
Three years at Cambridge
sure to come in handy.
First round - general knowledge.
Which TV chef is known
for her bubbly laugh?
Rustie Lee. Rustie who?
Rustie Lee! AUDIENCE: Oh
AUDIENCE: Always
one. Rustie Lee.
QUIZZER: Who wrote
A Christmas Carol?
Oh, erm Ah, it's
Jilly Cooper! Shh!
Christine, would you stop
shouting the answers out?
Oh, sorry. Somebody
said Jilly Cooper.
THEY LAUGH
You know, the only literature
these people have in their houses
is the TV Times. THEY LAUGH
Which motorway goes from
Manchester to Leeds?
M62. Great services.
What word has all the
vowels in it in order?
Facetious.
Xylophone!
What sport do you associate Giant
Haystacks and Big Daddy with?
GASPING Oh! Who
doesn't know this?
Is it something to do with
farming? It's wrestling.
Me and my mum love it.
We watch it on Saturday's
with Findus Crispy Pancakes.
I watch it with the
boys on a Saturday
with a Findus Crispy Pancake.
Oh, God, this is hell.
I can't believe people
actually live like this.
Well, it's like
the fall of Rome.
On with the quiz. Next round.
Who's up for a quick-fire round?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Do we have any TV
addicts in tonight?
Oh, yeah! CHRISTINE: Ooh.
ALAN CARR: 'Quickfire TV
trivia? A gift from the Gods.'
What was Frank
Spencer's catchphrase
in Some Mother Do
'Ave 'Em? Oh! Oh!
Oh, Betty.
Is the correct answer!
'This was the moment
I was born for.'
Surprise, surprise
The unexpected hits
you Between the eyes! ♪
DAVID FROST IMPRESSION: Hello,
good evening, and welcome.
FRENCH ACCENT: I shall
say this only once.
If you want the best And
you don't ask questions
Then, brother,
I'm your man ♪
HIGH-PITCHED: Can I
have a P, please, Bob?
DALEK IMPRESSION:
Exterminate! Exterminate!
And the card attached would say
Thank you for being a friend! ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well
done, that team! 12 points!
CHRISTINE: Oh, Alan!
Come here, my boy.
I'm so proud of you knowing
all of them answers.
That's your mother?
Have those points on me.
That's the woman who nearly
drowned me in bean juice.
Oh, come here, darling.
While you tot up your scores,
there's just enough time
to read out your
cupid's callouts.
"Debbie, I love you more now
than I did 25 years ago
"Ray." AUDIENCE: Aw!
Aw! That's lovely.
"Graham, I'm sorry,
we need to talk.
"Please come home
as quick as you can.
"I'm here waiting."
AUDIENCE: Aw! "Ron."
AUDIENCE: Oh, goodness.
Oh, that's for me. That's
my Ron. That's my Ron.
We've gotta go! We've gotta
go now! Let's go. Let's go.
Graham, what's Ron doing? There
must be a problem! Christine!
I should never have left him!
I'd get out while you can.
Alan?
You're just going?
Well, yeah.
What about the museum trip
and the tea rooms I've booked?
It's complicated, my dad's
job, my presentation at school.
And just like that my
Wee Willie Winkie is gone.
Well, when you say
it like that yeah.
Oh, Neville, I finished it.
It's yours.
I will treasure it forever.
Goodbye, Neville.
Goodbye, Alan.
Ron's gonna think I've fallen
off the face of the Earth.
Chris, where's
my? PHONE RINGING
Shh! PHONE RINGING
My rucksack's ringing.
Oh, seriously?
PHONE RINGING
Hello?
Yeah.
Yeah, right, yeah.
If you're Elton John,
then I'm Bernie Taupin.
Banjo taking the mick.
Elton John? Is he the
Chairman of Watford?
Yeah.
Oh. Let's go!
Bag! Let's go, let's go!
Ugh, God!
Maybe we should try
Hunstanton next year.
No, you're going on
your own if you do.
Oh, get that kettle on.
Who's left the lights on?
You have got to be
joking me. Ange!
What? Doing your plants! Made
yourself at home, have you?
Must've nodded off.
Well, maybe reading my
letters has sent you to sleep.
Oh, I weren't reading it.
Boy, am I pleased to see you.
You're back early. You haven't
got much of a tan, Christine.
Did you go outside at all?
Well, that's the joy of
Spain. So much to do indoors.
I best be off.
Put your money away,
I don't want paying.
That's what neighbours
are for. Ange!
All right. Yeah, sorry.
GRAHAM: All right, Angela?
Just doing your plants.
Unbelievable. GRAHAM SIGHS
HE GRUNTS Home sweet home!
You can say that again.
No more sticky carpets,
no more burnt beans.
No more mysterious rocking
in the middle of the night.
Well, that definitely won't be
happening here for a long time.
Aye-aye, Christine get
ready for kick-off
Oh, no, what are you doing here?
Ange, Ange, they've
come home from Spain.
ALAN CARR: 'Getting his flat-cap
back from Nige would have to wait.
'My dad had a more
pressing engagement.'
Obviously, if you want to leave,
then we won't stand in your way.
It's your life, your
decision. It's what I want.
I've made my mind up. I
want to go to Watford.
Well, you've given us
100%, son. Thanks for that.
But
only after I've won
the league here.
THEY LAUGH Yes!
Ah! Oh, you had me
there, you little
Up the Cobblers!
Say it loud ♪
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