Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e05 Episode Script

1
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Oww.
Woo-hoo-hoo.
Woo-hoo.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show.
(man) Dave Chappelle, come on down.
You're the next black comedian
to get his own show!
("The Price is Right" theme)
(cheers & applause)
Oh, my God, I did it.
Hey, everybody,
what's up?
Welcome welcome everybody,
to Chappelle's Show.
You see, I am dizzle.
You know,
I've been watching the news
and reading the papers,
and I've been seeing that
there's been a lot of, like,
scandalous behavior.
Like, these, uh,
these major corporations
they rip everybody off.
Enrons and Tycos
and all this stuff.
They don't be getting no time.
They don't get
no time in jail.
I gotta get in on this
"being white" thing.
It's like there's
two legal systems, damn near.
It'd be better if they,
just for like, maybe,
three days if like
they actually put those guys
through the legal system
that we all
have to go through.
And then they put, like,
crack dealers and shit
through the legal system
that they go through.
Wouldn't that be something?
Well, tonight we have
a very special episode
of "Law & Order."
I hope
you enjoy it.
How was work today,
Charles?
Oh, same old, same old.
Accounting's complaining about
us misleading the stockholders
and blowing the employee
pensions and
what a bunch of babies.
I mean, come on, this is
business, people, right?
And speaking of business,
yeah
(growl)
Satchco, take a powder.
And you
(playful scream)
(growl)
(meow)
Snugglebunny!
(screaming)
(man)
Get on the ground!
(dog panting)
Shut that
fucking dog up!
(gunshot)
(screaming)
Stop resisting, sir!
(phone ringing)
Nigga, I said stop
calling here, all right?
I'm baggin' up the coke up
as fast as I can!
I'm detective
Charles Stevens
from the Dade County
police department.
I've got a warrant here
for your arrest.
A warrant?!
Charges of cocaine
trafficking.
And, um, frankly,
I'm afraid I don't know
how to handle it.
Oh, man, we gotta
be careful with this.
We don't wanna embarrass
somebody like me
in front of my family
and my community.
I tell you what,
I'll come in and turn myself in
around Thursday, okay?
Is 1:00 good for you?
Oh, no,
that's no good for me.
I've got some trim
coming at 12:00.
I'll turn myself in,
say, between
2:00 and 6:00?
Thank you so very much
for your help and, again,
I'm sorry for
the inconvenience.
Oh, no problem.
One love.
Uh, yeah
I love you, too.
(man) So, what am i charged with?
Yeah, like you don't know,
you little bitch.
Would you do me
a favor and not smoke,
I'm allergic.
Oh, well, hey,
I'm sorry, Chuck.
Why don't I do you a favor and
put it out there for ya, huh?
How do you like that,
you piece of crap!
I want answers, punk!
(whimpers)
I wanna talk
to my lawyer!
He wants to talk
to his lawyer
legal aid,
you're on.
Sorry, you're like,
my 14th case this week.
Somebody
take a piss in here?
It was me!
I peed
(playing harmonica)
(still playing harmonica)
I would like to
complement you, gentlemen
on a very classy
baller-ass spread
with cheeses that I've
never even seen before.
And my apologies
for being late
but I got caught up
with some poonany.
Heh, heh, heh..
Well, so,
it's like I said,
we don't wanna make a
big deal out of this thing.
You're a cocaine dealer
but you've done a lot of
good for the community.
Oh, I know, man,
on Thanksgiving
I be passing turkeys out
like "Nino Brown," baby.
But, seriously,
we have to do something.
How about you testify before
a senate committee
and spend
two months at Club Fed?
When I get out,
can I still traffic rocks
to the community?
Absolutely not!
You're right,
selling rocks would be wrong.
Heh, heh, heh
jail's the shit!
Anyway,
he points the gun at us
and he tells his dog
to sick us.
It was at that point that
I fired upon the canine
and we were able
to subdue Mr. Jeffries.
Upon further search
of the mansion,
we were able
to locate this
pure Colombian heroin.
Yeah, wait a minute,
your honor
I don't know
who's heroin that is
but it certainly
isn't mine!
Then his wife threw her titties
in my hand.
It was weird,
your honor.
You grabbed
her titties!
I saw you!
Before I sentence you,
is there anything
you'd like to say?
Okay, first of all
all right,
that's enough.
You're the worst kind of scum
on the face of the Earth!
You're an animal.
A filthy,
big-lipped beast!
We'd like to congratulate
the jury of your peers
for reaching
a verdict so quickly.
Their minutes is
a new court record.
All your possessions will be
seized immediately by the court
and you will receive
the mandatory minimum
of life in prison.
Plenty of time to lift weights
and convert to Islam.
Now get out of
my sight, you fuck.
Sir, is it true you were
a crack/cocaine dealer
for seven years?
Uh, I plead the fifth.
Sir, will you tell us about
the cartels you dealt with
in your time as
a crack/cocaine dealer?
Um, no, but I can tell you
that I plead the fizzith.
Exactly how much money
did you earn
in your time as
a crack/cocaine dealer?
There
are
I said
there are
so many amendments
in the Constitution of
the United States of America
I can only
choose one
I can only choose
one!
I plead the fifth
I plead
the fifth
five!
One, two, three,
four fifth!
Anything you say
fifth!
Go ahead,
ask me a question
did you
fifth!
I have a secret document that
I think you need to see
fifth
that will be all, sir,
good afternoon.
I got your sentence
reduced to a month, buddy.
Oh!
Heh, heh, heh
we'll take
a quick commercial break
and be right back.
Chappelle's Show.
Better not
bring your kids!
Hello,
my name's Tyrone Biggums.
Sometimes, the endless
pursuit of crack
leaves me tired and depleted.
But now cocaine comes
in a delicious shake!
"Red Balls!"
It gives me wings!
Ahhh
mmm hummina, hummina,
hummina, hummina!
My baby!
I left my baby
in the car!
(baby crying)
Oh, my God!
(bionic effect)
(bionic effect)
FYI, people still
do steal radios, hon.
How do you think
I got this suit?
That Red Ball's got me!
Ahhh!
(beeping)
(bionic effect)
Mayday, mayday
we have a crackhead
lifting up the bus,
must be Red Balls.
I love this drink!
Thank you,
Red Balls.
Excuse me, jailer
pardon me.
Might I have
a Red Balls, please?
Shazam!
Ahhhhh!
(bionic effect)
Red Balls
cocaine in a can, baby!
I can get some money
for this.
(cheers & applause)
Y'all remember
last season,
we used to do a segment called
"Ask A Black Dude"
that featured
comedian, Paul Mooney.
Well, he's back again
this year
as America's leading
black psychic, Negrodamus.
(woman)
For centuries,
people have
turned to one man
for the answer to life's
great mysteries.
That man,
is Negrodamus.
You, sir.
Negrodamus, will Aresenio Hall
ever have another show?
Yes, Arsenio Hall
will get another show.
It will be called,
"Good Morning
Black America."
It will be shown at noon
throughout the country.
Thank you so much,
Negrodamus.
Next.
(French accent)
Negrodamus,
hello from France.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
will divorce his wife
and marry
Shirley Temple Black.
And she will be,
Mrs. Shirley Temple
Black-negger.
You, sir.
Negrodamus
uh, why do white people
love Wayne Brady so much?
White people
love Wayne Brady
because he makes
Bryant Gumbel
look like Malcolm X.
For centuries people
have turned to one man
for the answer to life's
great mysteries.
That man,
is Negrodamus.
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
Y'all don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back
with more Chappelle show.
Chappelle's Show.
Oww.
Welcome back!
You know, I don't know
if anyone's ever seen
this segment we've
done on the show,
"Charlie Murphy's
True Hollywood Stories."
But, if you haven't seen it,
Eddie's older brother, Charlie,
works on our show
and he tells us
these crazy stories,
some of which are so crazy
that we have to have him come by
and tell 'em to the crowd!
So, tonight,
we have for you
a brand new True Hollywood Story
from Charlie Murphy.
I can recall another one,
like, you know,
I think it was in '85, like,
when all that androgynous shit
was going on.
(Charlie)
And what was wild was that
the guy who looked
the most like a bitch
was getting all the women.
Even I had it,
the jerry curl was comin' out
and I had my shit slicked
to the side and all that.
If you wearin' baggy shit now
and you actin' hard,
if you from LA
You motherfuckers was wearing
some strange shit.
We in the club,
we getting our groove on,
shakin' it up
and Prince came in there.
That's when "Purple Rain"
came out
and Prince was the shit,
you know what I'm saying?
Prince had on, like, a
it was like
a zorro-type outfit.
It had the ruffles
come down the front.
He had the big perm
fluffed out and all that.
And the mustache, you know,
just drawn on his face.
And it looked like something
that a figure skater would wear.
You know what I'm saying?
And he was
with his whole crew
and he had this other cat
named "Mickey Free."
And Mickey Free was, like,
the new cat in Shalamar
that,
when he joined the group,
I heard mad cats, like,
"yo, Shalamar got this
new girl in there.
Man, that bitch fine
like a motherfucker."
They was talkin' about
Mickey Free, okay?
Mickey Free is not a girl.
They came over
where we was at,
Prince started talking
to my brother.
Hello, Eddie Murphy.
Prince, what's up?
I'm a big fan
of your comedies.
Ooh, that's hot, Prince.
Would you like to
come to my house
and listen
to some music?
Ooh, that's cool.
Fruity,
get the car.
Assemble your crew,
I'll be outside.
We went up there.
We get there,
he puts the tracks on
the tracks are slammin',
you know what I mean?
And we're listening to
the music and everything
groovin' at the crib,
he had girls over there
he had nice environment,
it was tight.
This bores me.
Is anyone up for
a game of basketball?
(hysterical laughter)
How about you and
your friends
versus me
and The Revolution.
(hysterical laughter)
So, I was like,
"this nigga must be joking."
I don't know where he's going
with this and shit.
But he was dead-serious.
He had his helper
or whatever
go and get some shorts and
sneakers and gave 'em to us.
And we laughing, I'm like,
"this is gonna be some
funny-ass shit."
So they come out, right?
And I look at them
and, um
they still got on the same shit
they was wearin' at the club.
It was wild
I was like,
"I know they ain't thinkin'
about playin' ball in that"
but they were.
I said,
"hey, you know what
you know what we're
gonna call this?
The shirts
against the blouses.
(laughter)
And when I said that,
this look came on his face.
He looked angry.
And I'm looking back at him
thinking to myself,
you know,
"what are you angry about?
"I mean, you know where
you got that shirt from
and it damn sure wasn't
the men's department."
I mean, I kinda learned
something that day,
don't never judge
a book by its cover.
This cat could ball, man.
Play ball.
He was crossing cats,
like ice.
Crossed me up.
Made my knees
slam together.
He was getting rebounds
like Charles Barkley.
Snatchin' it down!
Shoot the "J."
Shoot it!
Let's run the play,
computer blue.
Garland picky.
Oww!
They was kinda settin'
these fruity picks, man,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Like, you'd be
tryin' to check Prince
and then you go this cat
standin' behind you
and he's getting close to you
and his hands
is out like this
you don't really wanna
be bent over
in front of a cat like that,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Prince was incredible!
Prince,
you got a towel, man,
it's kind of hot
out here, man.
Why don't you purify
yourself in the waters
of lake Minnetonka.
Good!
In your face,
Charlie Murphy.
Good hustle.
(slap)
Yo, man,
I'm not on your team.
I mean, it wasn't even
like it was close.
It was a landslide victory.
Game
blouses.
I was there,
I seen it.
You don't believe me?
You think
I'm making it up?
You think I'm trying to,
uh, you know
enhance the story
because I'm involved?
Or trying to give myself
an excuse for losing
because I'm telling you
a story about Prince?
I dare you to challenge Prince
to a game of ball one on one.
Challenge him!
A'ight?!
And make sure your people
is there to see the game.
'Cause you might get
embarrassed, trust me.
(man) All right, he
beat you in basketball
and then what happened?
After it was all over,
he took us in the house
and served us pancakes.
Pancakes.
Well,
I gotta admit, um,
it was a good game.
I wish I could say
the same for you
and your crew of flunkies.
Do you guys
want some grapes?
I mean, you know,
there's some great storytellers
that we live in today, man.
Bitches.
Who the fuck
can make up that shit?
(cheers & applause)
Whoo!
Turn on your TV.
What you
gonna see?
You guys are
a wonderful crowd.
I'd like to thank you all
for being here.
And you at home
for watching.
I will see you another time,
good night.
(cheers & applause)
(Chappelle)
I'm rich, biatch!
Hi,
thank you.
Next rock!
Woman, gimmie some
of that Red Balls.
Come on Tyrita,
come on!
Oh oh Red Balls
shazam!
This is
the ride of my life!
I'm having another
heart attack.
Thank you Red Balls!
Bitch, I can't sit still,
take this!
I be right back, Tyrita,
I gotta run some errands!
(bionic effect)