Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe (2013) s02e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 This programme contains adult humour MUSIC: "You Are Here" by Nathan Fake Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a programme all about things that are happening.
Things like this.
Human Pob and Education Minister Michael Gove has been under attack.
Critics say he's been giving jobs to his friends, which isn't mathematically possible.
Child abuse allegations against Woody Allen resurface.
Woody? Could he? Did he? Woody Allen has denied the allegations against him, calling them disgraceful, which I think was one of the kinder poster quotes from Match Point.
Stunning scenes as Amanda Knox is found guilty again.
As far as many are concerned there's still no clear verdict - do we like her new bob or not? Don't know about you but I definitely would instigate extradition proceedings at the next opportunity.
Yet more weather misery.
Somerset now contains more water than supermarket own-brand ham.
In gripping, faintly medieval Sky News coverage, Prince Charles arrived on a mobile throne to see if he could King Canute the water away but only managed to star in a depressing repeat of the 2012 Thames pageant.
That's the kind of thing that's been going on but we start with the Winter Olympics, an event that's going to be unbearably exciting if, like me, you find mankind's ability to slide on ice inherently fascinating.
This year's snowy Games are being held in Russia, home of one-man charm offensive Vladimir Putin.
But the Games have run into controversy before they've begun.
Given recent terrorist incidents security is obviously a prime concern but the reported 50 billion dollar cost is also problematic.
Another stumbling block is Russia's attitude towards gay people.
You'd think Russia would be accepting of homosexuality, given one of their national heroes, Tchaikovsky, was homosexual himself.
And also, Red Square's so camp it looks like an even gayer Disneyland.
As recently as 2008, Russia won the Gay Olympics, ie Eurovision, leading to triumphant and inspiring scenes as their gold-medallist figure skating champion Evgeny Plushenko joined Russell Howard-in-a-black-wig lookalike Dima Bilan on stage in a routine that incredibly - and indeed impossibly - made the Eurovision Song Contest look ten times gayer than it is.
But now Russia's passed an "anti-gay propaganda" bill which controversially links homosexuality with paedophilia, thus playing into extremist prejudices.
This in a country where authorities are already accused of turning a blind eye to shocking Neo-Nazi attacks on suspected gay people.
Thanks to the bill, the notoriously tough Russian cops must now arrest anyone who's promoting homosexuality, and it's not clear what that means.
Does it mean, for instance, anyone wearing a uniform with the word "HOMO" printed backwards on it? I mean, presumably they'll definitely be rounding up the butch hunks of Russia's own Interior Ministry, because they recently uploaded a very camp YouTube video in which they don uniforms and perform a popular disco hit, just like the Village People.
She's up all night to this song I'm up all night to get some She's up all night for good fun I'm up all night to get lucky Of course, in Russia a gay person's considered to have "got lucky" at the end of the night if they made it home alive.
Depressingly, lots of Russians seem to think paedophiles and homosexuals are the same thing.
In worrying scenes, ITN caught up with the none-too-bright leader of an anti-gay vigilante group who's essentially a Russian Philomena Cunk.
TRANSLATION: Based on my personal statistics, 80% of paedophiles who engage are homosexuals.
"Personal statistics"? I think it's a complex numerological term for numbers you've just pulled out of your arse.
Channel 4 News caught up with one of the anti-gay law's authors, a sort of ginger David Brent with a curiously small office.
Seriously, it looks like he's stuck in some sort of closet.
Captain Hate here is convinced gays are after children.
Why do they need our minors? Why cannot you survive just having your same-sex friend, having your common disease, together with your invenerological disease or AIDS and live with him.
You know what, I assumed this guy would be intolerant but when you actually hear him lay out his case like this, he's really quite insane.
One man who won't be falling foul of any anti-gay law is President Vladimir Putin who, as the eye opening blanket coverage comprehensively proves, is 100% straight.
He's a one-man heterosexual megabloke.
Repeatedly pictured in thrilling scenes shooting his bolt, gripping his joystick, enjoying a ride with some leathermen, practising his disco hustle, stretching his pelvis, picking up a man and tossing him off, riding bareback with cowpokes, getting stuck into a cockpit with his helmet all popping out the top, fisting an entire male hockey team and squeezing right up behind a young man, holding on tight and shooting all the way up the pipe.
They don't get straighter than him.
Look, he's only kissing this fish cos it's a woman.
Phwoar! Putin's Winter Games are now on a collision course with the anti-gay propaganda law and it's not hard to see why.
Just look at the double luge which, as you can see from this forensic, dazzling and exciting coverage is possibly the only sport in the world where two men could comfortably have anal sex in front of an audience without anyone really noticing.
And they have a nice lie down and a tender cuddle.
Aw! Russia has no openly gay athletes, a ridiculously outmoded state of affairs, a bit like Britain in the 1920s or the Premier League today.
But will gay athletes from overseas be welcome at the Sochi Olympics? Well, the Mayor of Sochi did his best to allay concerns by announcing there's no homophobia at all in Sochi.
But only because there's no gay people at all in Sochi.
TRANSLATION: We don't have them in our town.
You don't have them in the town? Are you sure? TRANSLATION: I'm not sure.
I don't bloody know them.
I went to a gay bar last night.
Oh, hello! You're in there! The mixed messages about what sort of reception gays can expect continued in these unusual scenes, when President Putin sat down with a bunch of Olympic volunteers dressed like a gay Cirque Du Soleil, to say homosexuals are welcome to visit the games if, IF, they can leave kids alone.
That's why you can feel free, relax, but leave children in peace, please.
But if you're heterosexual, feel free to bother them.
This statement led to further negative headlines for Russia, so to calm nerves Putin held a charming journalistic coffee morning to answer questions on gay rights - questions like whether homosexuality is a lifestyle decision or just the way you're born.
That is beyond my professional interest.
I'm just not qualified to respond.
He leaves those sorts of questions to his chief eugenics officer.
Putin went on to claim some of his best friends are homosexual and went out of his way to praise famous gay man Elton John.
IN TRANSLATION: For example, Elton John is an extraordinary person, a distinguished musician, and millions of our people sincerely love him, regardless of his sexual orientation.
Nice.
I'm not sure they're aware what his sexual orientation is.
I mean, on one of his most high-profile visits to Russia, in the sumptuous Nikita video, he seemed to find romance with a female Russian doll.
Nikita, you'll never know Maybe he's the sort of gay guy they like, the sort that falls in love with women.
But he's very well-known there.
I bet if Elton John walked through Moscow holding hands with his partner today, they'd be mobbed.
And beaten.
Not that Russia needs Elton John anyway.
As you can see from this inspiring coverage, Putin can tickle the ivories just as well.
FALTERING PIANO MUSIC The Games are now incredibly close and despite all the brickbats, Putin hopes they'll shift how Russia's perceived by the rest of the world.
And he's right, they have already.
It used to be viewed as a corrupt mafia-dominated state - now it's seen as a homophobic ski resort.
There was this exciting historical drama thing about these four sort of hat-and-beard men who had these lightsaber fights, except the lightsabers are made out of metal instead of electricity, or whatever lightsabers are made out of.
It's like a children's thing but for adults so it's like for adult children.
What was clever was they looked a bit like the bloke off the Anonymous mask, so you really never know who was who.
And to make it more difficult, they all had, like, code names, like they used names of Greek islands to protect their identities.
So there was like Athos and Porthos and Aramis and, like, I dunno, Mowgli or something? They're all quite good-looking, they're like men in a yoghurt advert.
Like, if there was a woman in an office and her life's shit, but then it's her lunch break so she opens a yoghurt and these sexy men appear and they're sort of exotic and her yoghurt's nice too, so she's happy.
It's like that but without the yoghurt.
You could tell by looking at it was historically accurated properly.
Like, it had people from paintings in it and rooms with really complicated ceilings.
And they didn't have lifts so when they wanted to leave a building they had to jump out of a window.
There was loads of sword fighting in it.
Sword fights are strange because although they sort of look exciting, they never actually are.
Like, when you think about what a sword fight is, you should be on the edge of your seat because it's like all sharp things.
Like, once, my mate Paul was slicing a pear at a festival with his penknife and it was just unbearably tense to watch because he was really drunk and sort of cutting it in the hand he was holding it in, and I could hardly stand to watch that.
But with sword fights, even though swords are bigger than penknives, and they really wave them around, it's like a dance routine or a sort of metal squabble.
There's never really the same sense of danger there was with Paul and the pear.
What I liked was, because it had all the sort of things you expect - like a bit where someone hides from a husband, and a bit where a young bloke earns the respect of a slightly older bloke, and a bit where someone's framed for murder because they picked up a knife and put a fingerprint on it, and a bit where one of the main characters is going to die and you're like, "Oh, my God, one of the main characters is going to die!", but then the person who was going to kill them gets shot and it pulls focus and it's someone surprising who saved them - cos it had all that stuff you already know, you don't have to waste time working out what it was or what you thought about it or, like, who these people were.
You could just sort of look at it while your mind went into screensaver mode, and that proves it's good drama.
CHEESY MUSIC Technology! And it's bad news for avian tossers as a comprehensively alarming Sky News report featuring Mr Charisma Goggles Edward Snowden, claims the NSA has been spying on people using Angry Birds.
Apparently they hoover up data about your age, location, and even your sexuality.
God knows how they can tell your sexual orientation simply from watching you finger a bird.
Why on earth would you tell a game what your sexual orientation was? Well, it might be your only friend.
Sky News went out and found people who were appalled, but not so appalled that they could stop playing the game.
It's not right people should have more and more access to what I consider private information.
BLEEP talking to us, those gold stars won't collect themselves.
I think it's good people keep an eye on us, but not to the extent of checking out our apps and the things we play.
Sh, they can hear you say that.
Not that everyone's up in arms about it.
In these informative scenes Sky's Eamonn Holmes sounded impressed.
Everybody gets so annoyed about this.
Should you not say, "How clever is that?" Al-Qaeda people are out there and they don't know when they're playing Angry Birds they're spied on! Should people not be saying, "Smart"? To be honest, I imagine Al-Qaeda don't bother with Angry Birds.
They mastered the art of knocking down structures by flying into them headlong about 13 years ago.
But not everyone's worried about being spied on while using technology, as clearly demonstrated by the irritating and disturbing series of Amazon Kindle ads where a berk romances a MILF, and by MILF I mean machine he'd like to BLEEP.
Hello.
My niece is coming over and she'll be using my new Kindle Fire.
Great! The Fire's perfect for kids! Only for the first few seconds, then they kind of turn black and start screaming.
Yeah, but I don't want her glued to it all day.
Got it.
Glued? What have you been doing to make the Kindle sticky? Actually, don't answer that I think I can guess.
Amy shows the sicko how to limit the time kids can use his Kindle for.
When that limit runs out, they'll react rationally(!) Could use the time limits myself! Oh, really? Yeah, I've got a serious Plants vs Zombies addiction.
For me it's Candy Crush Saga.
It's becoming a real problem.
Yeah that's nothing, I'm hooked on a game called Kindle Smash Magic.
It's ever so therapeutic.
At least he's dealing with a girl his own age unlike the man in this grim sales pitch.
You appear to be in a financial quandary, young fellow.
At Wonga, you choose exactly how much to borrow and for how long.
Really? You'll need quite a bit to cover the counselling you'll need after the psychotic breakdown you're clearly having.
Ahem! No, no.
I'm not kissing my phone.
Kiss it! Uh-oh, she'll charge him for that.
Kissing costs extra.
Seems you can't go anywhere these days without some sort of device staring at you, prying into your business.
Makes you think, doesn't it? Well, it makes no-one think more than our resident inquisitive human, Limmy.
Big Brother is watching.
He's like thisisn't he? 'He's watching me on Twitter, ready to pounce.
'I'm terrified to tweet in case it's taken the wrong way.
'He's watching my porn, spying on my choices, 'no doubt loving every minute, with his trousers round his ankles.
'And even in the park, there he is again, watching, 'pointing, laughing his head off.
' But enough's enough.
Cannae be letting Big Brother have all the fun.
'Two can play that game! 'I walk through the park with a wee secret in my hands.
'Heroin? Drug money? That's for me to know and Big Brother to find out.
'I looked up some porn that I'm sure isnae Big Brother's cup of tea, 'but he wants to be the all-seeing eye - good luck un-seeing that! 'And then I jumped on Twitter to play with his mind.
' "When I hit this city, it's gonnae be TRAGIC.
" When Big Brother kicks down my door I'll say, "No, I'm heading up to town to a club.
"You should see my dancing, it's tragic.
'Sorry to waste your time! What a laugh! 'I must've came across as a dodgy bastard.
' I was pretty convincing.
Then I thought "Right enough.
"What if I'm that convincing "when I tell Big Brother I'm joking he doesnae believe me?" 'I showed them I'm empty-handed so they gave me a strip search, 'right there in the park, ball naked.
'What if they tell the papers the porn I've been looking up? 'Once Granny reads that, she won't be able to look me in the eye.
'Or what if I really am in the club one night, mad wi' it, and they go,' "Your dancing doesn't look that tragic to us, you're pretty good.
"You're nicked!" Next thing I'm waking up in Guantanamo.
Imagine waking up in Guantanamo wi' a come down? HE INHALES SHARPLY But it's cool.
You know I'm only joking, Big Brother, and this video's the proof.
Unless, of course, this is just one big, elaborate cover story for my drug empire, and my fiendish porn habits and my plans to do something unspeakably tragic.
Hey? Nah! CHEESY MUSIC Bubbles! And Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson becomes the face of DIY fizzy drinks in a glossy, promotional video for SodaStream.
But wait! It turns out SodaStream started an independent state of Fizzrael in occupied territory.
Yes, as far as international law is concerned, one of their factories is in an illegal West Bank settlement.
There's nothing worse than a fizzy drink that's settled.
This was a particular problem for Scarlett because she was an Oxfam ambassador, as you can see in these inspiring scenes, and Oxfam campaigns against factories in the occupied West Bank, saying they further Palestinian oppression.
So she was facing a tricky ethical choice - do you stick with the charity that works to save the desperate, the dispossessed and the dying, or promote a machine that farts in your drink? In the end, she chose the drink.
Sorry, guys! In informative coverage Soda Stream's CEO defended the factory, which employs 500 Palestinians who do depend on those wages.
And he defended Scarlett too.
I know Scarlett and she's not only a superhero in her movies, she's a superhero in real life.
Yeah, the Incredible Icewoman.
Still, as the illuminating behind the scenes video made plain, Scarlett's conscience is clear.
'My favourite thing about SodaStream 'is that I' don't feel guilty when I enjoy beverages at home, I don't feel like I'm being wasteful.
Yeah well, not everyone's got a SodaStream yet.
As CNN depicted, some families living a stone's throw from the factory scarcely have a decent water supply.
Never mind fizzy drinks on tap, that poor BLEEP would settle for a tap.
Speaking of hose, the ad Scarlett sold herself for was glossy and impressive.
Like most doctors, my real job is saving the world.
Start with plain water, add bubbles, mix in the perfect flavour.
Look, a soda that's better for you and all of us.
Less sugar, less bottles.
Not less bottles! FEWER bottles! BLEEP me! Like this advert wasn't controversial enough! If only I can make this message go viral.
Er, think you've managed that.
But no, to make the message go viral, Scarlett disrobes, sensationally revealing she's fully clothed? I don't really get it.
I think we're supposed to think she's sucking that straw really sexily.
But that's not enough.
I mean, I guess if she was slurping that drink in front of that poor boy from the harrowing CNN footage, I guess that'd be an ironic juxtaposition that could go viral.
Especially when he looks plaintively down the lens, almost like he's looking at her, and she's just sort of looking back taunting him.
And then she could turn to camera at the end and say, "Mm, evilicious!" But that hasn't happened.
It's all a bit flat really.
Could use more bubbles.
Scarlett's super advert aired during the Superbowl, which as well as being a huge sporting event comes complete with blistering half-time entertainment like this year's barnstorming performance by Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
What I got You gotta get it, put it in ya What I got You gotta get it, put it in ya But who needs some American Superbowl half-time show, when you can see a super show at the bowls, right here in Britain? Specifically the World Indoor Bowls Championships in Great Yarmouth, which was enlivened considerably by this powerfully moving performance of Something Inside So Strong by Barry off EastEnders.
We're gonna do it anyway Because there's something inside so strong I know that I can make it Though you're doing me wrong so wrong Where, where are you going? Come back, come back! The man's singing his heart out, you bastards! There's something inside so strong Oh There's something inside so strong There's something inside so strong CHEESY MUSIC Drizzle! And as Britain continues to lose it's ongoing war with the cloud gods there were astonishing scenes as Sky News visited the undersea kingdom of Somerset, where the locals are taking part in an exciting race to see whether the authorities can bail them out before they evolve gills.
Patches of Somerset were absolutely sopping wet and required sustained and heavy pumping - carried out around the clock by tireless yet anonymous members of the fire brigade - just like your mum does.
What is it with her? After the Government was accused of leaving the Somerset folk to marinade in their own filth they sent in the army to stand around and look commanding on the news.
'But even those who live here were unclear about their role.
' It seems a good idea, but what exactly they're going to do? I don't know.
It's obvious.
They're going to kick raindrops back into the sky.
In dispiriting scenes, Sky's crack anchorwoman and cap stand, Kay Burley, visited Langport, an area of farmland twinned with the Atlantic Ocean, and achieved a career best by making the sky weep openly on camera.
She interviewed a man from the environment agency, wearing a Hi-Vis jacket so you could see him, even in deluge-o-vision.
We've got enormous sympathy for the people who have been flooded.
They don't, they want you to dredge.
I hope they do care.
It doesn't help, does it? I'm sure they want us to have sympathy.
Never mind the river, I think my screen needs dredging.
Worried about health issues, Sky commissioned a scientist to sample the water and find out how much of a health hazard it might be.
This would be something like streptococcus, group A streptococcus, which could cause quite a nasty skin infection if it got into a wound.
See, that looks horrible, but on the plus side it tastes absolutely great on rye bread.
Mm! A few miles away in Waterworld, the news revealed helicopters plugging a gap in the sea wall with sandbags.
While in Fishguard, eight one-tonne bags of aggregate have been placed in the lower town to protect properties ahead of high tides tomorrow morning.
I'm no expert but I reckon the water might get round that.
With their fulsome and well-balanced coverage, ITV proved it's grim up Aberystwyth way, but at least the good folk there have got used to dealing with the cruddy weather.
I think we are, we are getting better in this, you know? Now we have more experience.
I don't know that you've mastered the umbrella.
Finance now and money is either good news or bad news, isn't it? But for as long as anyone can remember, which incidentally is 2008, it's been bad news.
Until recently, when suddenly it wasn't.
Apparently.
The biggest fall in unemployment in 17 years as the British economy begins to rocket into action.
Yes, thanks to these animated numbers the financial crisis was totally over and everyone in Britain was a fully-employed millionaire.
To think, just a few weeks ago Channel 4's grimly depressing Benefits Street was current affairs, now it's period drama.
Thanks to the economic turnaround, instead of worrying about this, we can just marvel at how great it looks on our HD tellies.
Wow! Their suffering is pin sharp! Some cynics claim employment figures are only rising because Cameron's been touring the country for weeks disguising himself as a manual worker on countless occasions to boost the numbers.
Look, here he's playing a surveyor, here he's a factory worker, here he's a salt of the earth Tetley tea man, here a tour guide showing French dickslingers around, and here he is as a malevolent lizard blackness-from-the-stars temporarily shape-shifted into human form.
But the apparently good financial news is bad news for plasticine buzzkill Ed Miliband, seen here accepting a glass of beer from a man who looks like Ant and Dec.
He's recently been trying to drum the notion of a cost of living crisis into the national brain by repeating the phrase so often it becomes a kind of echo.
I talked about the cost of living crisis and the squeezed middle.
Is the cost of living crisis really such a big deal? The cost of living crisis is the single biggest challenge our country faces.
That is the cost of living crisis.
Of course, many people's view of the entire country's financial situation depends on their own personal circumstances and whether the cost of things they're spending money on is rising faster than their incomes.
For instance, many feel the squeeze because of factors like skyrocketing energy bills.
Although to be honest, I'd be happy to pay more for gas and electricity if energy companies would stop running this sort of twee, bollock-lazy, animal whimsy, ukulele sing-song, cartoon horseshit in every other ad break.
This is Hive, it lets you control your heating from anywhere with your phone.
So why aren't you # Surfing on a cab Going to visit your mad dad Or shopping for some trousers When it starts snowing on your schnauzers While Hive is busy controlling your heating at home.
Or you could Sing about tigers from Burma while Gran dies of hypothermia Poor cow dropped dead with the chills Cos she can't pay your swollen bills While I'm withstanding this terrible advert at home.
So what exactly is going on with money? And what is money anyhow? Well, don't worry if you don't know because Philomena Cunk is here now to unravel that mystery in this week's Moments of Wonder.
EPIC MUSIC BUSY STRING MUSIC Money is at the heart of the UK economy, and many others.
People fight for it, die for it and put it in china pigs.
So what is money? Put simply, money is the best way we have of telling how much money you've got.
Over the centuries, many things have been used as money including amber, wheat, eggs, traveller's cheques, feathers, book vouchers, lobsters, beads, gold, leather, Nectar points, rice, peas, mugs and money.
It was only the last of these that caught on.
Increasingly these days, money isn't something you can hold in your hand or bite on like a pirate because it's stored in the imaginations of computers and some of those computers are probably here, in the Bank of England.
But that computer money is in crisis.
UK Government debt is now ã1 trillion, and even Wonga can't help.
So who can? Maybe a money expert can tell us what money is and what to do.
Who are you and why are you an expert on money? I'm Will Hutton, I'm an economist and I'm an economic writer.
What's the difference between ee-conomics and economics? Nothing.
It's just the way you pronounce the e.
I think I prefer economics to ee-conomics.
But I wonder what You could put the same question to the Chancellor and the Governor of the Bank of England and see whether they like the hard E or the soft E.
Hardy or softie? Economics, ee-conomics.
Ee-conomics? Economics? OK.
Money's all stored in computers these days, isn't it? Yes.
How does a computer know what money looks like? How does it know? Well the, uh How does it recognise anything? How does a computer recognise, you know, erm So you don't know? It's You know in principle but you don't know in detail, no.
Do you know what I think's happened? Someone's told a computer what money looks like.
They've gone up to a computer and they've said, "This is, like, a five pound note.
" And then that computer's told the others.
When you have a coin, where is the money in that coin? If I were to take a coin and cut it open, could I take the money out of that coin and then it'd be empty? No, the coin is a token.
The whole point about the coins in your pocket is they are universally accepted as a way of buying things, that's what the money is.
How much does it cost to make a one pence piece? Because if it's less than one pence then it's a con, isn't it? But if it's, like, more than one pence, then Do you see what I mean? Yeah.
Sort of not worth it then.
Yeah, yeah.
It costs a TINY amount of money to make create a one penny piece and that's So they're ripping us off? It seems no-one really knows what money is.
It will always be an unsolvable problem, like a crossword or a Rubik's cube.
Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking why there's more water in a tap than you'd expect.
MUSIC: "Take On Me" by a-ha Courts! And as the hacking trial enters it's ninth decade, things perk up as one of the Laws of the land walks the legal red carpet on his way to give evidence.
Yes, Hollywood starlet Jude Law was appearing in court and as ITV News made clear, he's playing a young Tony Blair in the production - perhaps the most fully drawn character he's tackled yet.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say that is the most moving scene featuring Jude Law I've ever watched.
Actually, looking at the BBC footage I'd say he's had work done.
It doesn't even look like him any more.
It's very sad.
Shortly afterwards, Jude's former girlfriend Sienna Miller also popped up to give evidence.
The poor thing, these modern HD cameras are so unforgiving.
Look, you can see all her lines.
I have to say, ITN's coverage was far less patchy than that.
I mean, just look at it, it's practically a work of art.
It's so good, it's already been released on DVD, where it's proved so compelling, as you can see, an appreciative audience has already been drawn in.
Of course, Jude and Sienna are movie stars but by pulling a face like a doodle they're drawing on a TV tradition that started back in the '80s, when it was pioneered by a-ha's Morten Haarket in the astonishing video for Take On Me.
Take on me Take on me And it's a trend that continues, as you can see from the BBC footage of controversial courtroom drama Allegation Street.
Which features a handsome drawing of Ken Barlow and a beautiful drawing of his wife - Deidre Barlow.
It's good but it's not as exciting as EastEnders, where a family of coloured pencils just moved in to 2B, causing a right pen-and-ink, then these proper EastEnd thugs called the Crayon Twins turned up for a cheeky sharpener at the Vic, and then Phil got rubbed out.
'God that was awful! Pencil puns? What is this, Crackerjack? 'I think I got away with it.
I doubt anyone will even notice, 'unless they've mic'd up my mind again.
'I hate it when they do that.
'Probably best to end the show to be sure.
' Hmm.
Well, that's all we've got time for this week.
Until next time, go away.
MUSIC: "You Are Here" by Nathan Fake
Things like this.
Human Pob and Education Minister Michael Gove has been under attack.
Critics say he's been giving jobs to his friends, which isn't mathematically possible.
Child abuse allegations against Woody Allen resurface.
Woody? Could he? Did he? Woody Allen has denied the allegations against him, calling them disgraceful, which I think was one of the kinder poster quotes from Match Point.
Stunning scenes as Amanda Knox is found guilty again.
As far as many are concerned there's still no clear verdict - do we like her new bob or not? Don't know about you but I definitely would instigate extradition proceedings at the next opportunity.
Yet more weather misery.
Somerset now contains more water than supermarket own-brand ham.
In gripping, faintly medieval Sky News coverage, Prince Charles arrived on a mobile throne to see if he could King Canute the water away but only managed to star in a depressing repeat of the 2012 Thames pageant.
That's the kind of thing that's been going on but we start with the Winter Olympics, an event that's going to be unbearably exciting if, like me, you find mankind's ability to slide on ice inherently fascinating.
This year's snowy Games are being held in Russia, home of one-man charm offensive Vladimir Putin.
But the Games have run into controversy before they've begun.
Given recent terrorist incidents security is obviously a prime concern but the reported 50 billion dollar cost is also problematic.
Another stumbling block is Russia's attitude towards gay people.
You'd think Russia would be accepting of homosexuality, given one of their national heroes, Tchaikovsky, was homosexual himself.
And also, Red Square's so camp it looks like an even gayer Disneyland.
As recently as 2008, Russia won the Gay Olympics, ie Eurovision, leading to triumphant and inspiring scenes as their gold-medallist figure skating champion Evgeny Plushenko joined Russell Howard-in-a-black-wig lookalike Dima Bilan on stage in a routine that incredibly - and indeed impossibly - made the Eurovision Song Contest look ten times gayer than it is.
But now Russia's passed an "anti-gay propaganda" bill which controversially links homosexuality with paedophilia, thus playing into extremist prejudices.
This in a country where authorities are already accused of turning a blind eye to shocking Neo-Nazi attacks on suspected gay people.
Thanks to the bill, the notoriously tough Russian cops must now arrest anyone who's promoting homosexuality, and it's not clear what that means.
Does it mean, for instance, anyone wearing a uniform with the word "HOMO" printed backwards on it? I mean, presumably they'll definitely be rounding up the butch hunks of Russia's own Interior Ministry, because they recently uploaded a very camp YouTube video in which they don uniforms and perform a popular disco hit, just like the Village People.
She's up all night to this song I'm up all night to get some She's up all night for good fun I'm up all night to get lucky Of course, in Russia a gay person's considered to have "got lucky" at the end of the night if they made it home alive.
Depressingly, lots of Russians seem to think paedophiles and homosexuals are the same thing.
In worrying scenes, ITN caught up with the none-too-bright leader of an anti-gay vigilante group who's essentially a Russian Philomena Cunk.
TRANSLATION: Based on my personal statistics, 80% of paedophiles who engage are homosexuals.
"Personal statistics"? I think it's a complex numerological term for numbers you've just pulled out of your arse.
Channel 4 News caught up with one of the anti-gay law's authors, a sort of ginger David Brent with a curiously small office.
Seriously, it looks like he's stuck in some sort of closet.
Captain Hate here is convinced gays are after children.
Why do they need our minors? Why cannot you survive just having your same-sex friend, having your common disease, together with your invenerological disease or AIDS and live with him.
You know what, I assumed this guy would be intolerant but when you actually hear him lay out his case like this, he's really quite insane.
One man who won't be falling foul of any anti-gay law is President Vladimir Putin who, as the eye opening blanket coverage comprehensively proves, is 100% straight.
He's a one-man heterosexual megabloke.
Repeatedly pictured in thrilling scenes shooting his bolt, gripping his joystick, enjoying a ride with some leathermen, practising his disco hustle, stretching his pelvis, picking up a man and tossing him off, riding bareback with cowpokes, getting stuck into a cockpit with his helmet all popping out the top, fisting an entire male hockey team and squeezing right up behind a young man, holding on tight and shooting all the way up the pipe.
They don't get straighter than him.
Look, he's only kissing this fish cos it's a woman.
Phwoar! Putin's Winter Games are now on a collision course with the anti-gay propaganda law and it's not hard to see why.
Just look at the double luge which, as you can see from this forensic, dazzling and exciting coverage is possibly the only sport in the world where two men could comfortably have anal sex in front of an audience without anyone really noticing.
And they have a nice lie down and a tender cuddle.
Aw! Russia has no openly gay athletes, a ridiculously outmoded state of affairs, a bit like Britain in the 1920s or the Premier League today.
But will gay athletes from overseas be welcome at the Sochi Olympics? Well, the Mayor of Sochi did his best to allay concerns by announcing there's no homophobia at all in Sochi.
But only because there's no gay people at all in Sochi.
TRANSLATION: We don't have them in our town.
You don't have them in the town? Are you sure? TRANSLATION: I'm not sure.
I don't bloody know them.
I went to a gay bar last night.
Oh, hello! You're in there! The mixed messages about what sort of reception gays can expect continued in these unusual scenes, when President Putin sat down with a bunch of Olympic volunteers dressed like a gay Cirque Du Soleil, to say homosexuals are welcome to visit the games if, IF, they can leave kids alone.
That's why you can feel free, relax, but leave children in peace, please.
But if you're heterosexual, feel free to bother them.
This statement led to further negative headlines for Russia, so to calm nerves Putin held a charming journalistic coffee morning to answer questions on gay rights - questions like whether homosexuality is a lifestyle decision or just the way you're born.
That is beyond my professional interest.
I'm just not qualified to respond.
He leaves those sorts of questions to his chief eugenics officer.
Putin went on to claim some of his best friends are homosexual and went out of his way to praise famous gay man Elton John.
IN TRANSLATION: For example, Elton John is an extraordinary person, a distinguished musician, and millions of our people sincerely love him, regardless of his sexual orientation.
Nice.
I'm not sure they're aware what his sexual orientation is.
I mean, on one of his most high-profile visits to Russia, in the sumptuous Nikita video, he seemed to find romance with a female Russian doll.
Nikita, you'll never know Maybe he's the sort of gay guy they like, the sort that falls in love with women.
But he's very well-known there.
I bet if Elton John walked through Moscow holding hands with his partner today, they'd be mobbed.
And beaten.
Not that Russia needs Elton John anyway.
As you can see from this inspiring coverage, Putin can tickle the ivories just as well.
FALTERING PIANO MUSIC The Games are now incredibly close and despite all the brickbats, Putin hopes they'll shift how Russia's perceived by the rest of the world.
And he's right, they have already.
It used to be viewed as a corrupt mafia-dominated state - now it's seen as a homophobic ski resort.
There was this exciting historical drama thing about these four sort of hat-and-beard men who had these lightsaber fights, except the lightsabers are made out of metal instead of electricity, or whatever lightsabers are made out of.
It's like a children's thing but for adults so it's like for adult children.
What was clever was they looked a bit like the bloke off the Anonymous mask, so you really never know who was who.
And to make it more difficult, they all had, like, code names, like they used names of Greek islands to protect their identities.
So there was like Athos and Porthos and Aramis and, like, I dunno, Mowgli or something? They're all quite good-looking, they're like men in a yoghurt advert.
Like, if there was a woman in an office and her life's shit, but then it's her lunch break so she opens a yoghurt and these sexy men appear and they're sort of exotic and her yoghurt's nice too, so she's happy.
It's like that but without the yoghurt.
You could tell by looking at it was historically accurated properly.
Like, it had people from paintings in it and rooms with really complicated ceilings.
And they didn't have lifts so when they wanted to leave a building they had to jump out of a window.
There was loads of sword fighting in it.
Sword fights are strange because although they sort of look exciting, they never actually are.
Like, when you think about what a sword fight is, you should be on the edge of your seat because it's like all sharp things.
Like, once, my mate Paul was slicing a pear at a festival with his penknife and it was just unbearably tense to watch because he was really drunk and sort of cutting it in the hand he was holding it in, and I could hardly stand to watch that.
But with sword fights, even though swords are bigger than penknives, and they really wave them around, it's like a dance routine or a sort of metal squabble.
There's never really the same sense of danger there was with Paul and the pear.
What I liked was, because it had all the sort of things you expect - like a bit where someone hides from a husband, and a bit where a young bloke earns the respect of a slightly older bloke, and a bit where someone's framed for murder because they picked up a knife and put a fingerprint on it, and a bit where one of the main characters is going to die and you're like, "Oh, my God, one of the main characters is going to die!", but then the person who was going to kill them gets shot and it pulls focus and it's someone surprising who saved them - cos it had all that stuff you already know, you don't have to waste time working out what it was or what you thought about it or, like, who these people were.
You could just sort of look at it while your mind went into screensaver mode, and that proves it's good drama.
CHEESY MUSIC Technology! And it's bad news for avian tossers as a comprehensively alarming Sky News report featuring Mr Charisma Goggles Edward Snowden, claims the NSA has been spying on people using Angry Birds.
Apparently they hoover up data about your age, location, and even your sexuality.
God knows how they can tell your sexual orientation simply from watching you finger a bird.
Why on earth would you tell a game what your sexual orientation was? Well, it might be your only friend.
Sky News went out and found people who were appalled, but not so appalled that they could stop playing the game.
It's not right people should have more and more access to what I consider private information.
BLEEP talking to us, those gold stars won't collect themselves.
I think it's good people keep an eye on us, but not to the extent of checking out our apps and the things we play.
Sh, they can hear you say that.
Not that everyone's up in arms about it.
In these informative scenes Sky's Eamonn Holmes sounded impressed.
Everybody gets so annoyed about this.
Should you not say, "How clever is that?" Al-Qaeda people are out there and they don't know when they're playing Angry Birds they're spied on! Should people not be saying, "Smart"? To be honest, I imagine Al-Qaeda don't bother with Angry Birds.
They mastered the art of knocking down structures by flying into them headlong about 13 years ago.
But not everyone's worried about being spied on while using technology, as clearly demonstrated by the irritating and disturbing series of Amazon Kindle ads where a berk romances a MILF, and by MILF I mean machine he'd like to BLEEP.
Hello.
My niece is coming over and she'll be using my new Kindle Fire.
Great! The Fire's perfect for kids! Only for the first few seconds, then they kind of turn black and start screaming.
Yeah, but I don't want her glued to it all day.
Got it.
Glued? What have you been doing to make the Kindle sticky? Actually, don't answer that I think I can guess.
Amy shows the sicko how to limit the time kids can use his Kindle for.
When that limit runs out, they'll react rationally(!) Could use the time limits myself! Oh, really? Yeah, I've got a serious Plants vs Zombies addiction.
For me it's Candy Crush Saga.
It's becoming a real problem.
Yeah that's nothing, I'm hooked on a game called Kindle Smash Magic.
It's ever so therapeutic.
At least he's dealing with a girl his own age unlike the man in this grim sales pitch.
You appear to be in a financial quandary, young fellow.
At Wonga, you choose exactly how much to borrow and for how long.
Really? You'll need quite a bit to cover the counselling you'll need after the psychotic breakdown you're clearly having.
Ahem! No, no.
I'm not kissing my phone.
Kiss it! Uh-oh, she'll charge him for that.
Kissing costs extra.
Seems you can't go anywhere these days without some sort of device staring at you, prying into your business.
Makes you think, doesn't it? Well, it makes no-one think more than our resident inquisitive human, Limmy.
Big Brother is watching.
He's like thisisn't he? 'He's watching me on Twitter, ready to pounce.
'I'm terrified to tweet in case it's taken the wrong way.
'He's watching my porn, spying on my choices, 'no doubt loving every minute, with his trousers round his ankles.
'And even in the park, there he is again, watching, 'pointing, laughing his head off.
' But enough's enough.
Cannae be letting Big Brother have all the fun.
'Two can play that game! 'I walk through the park with a wee secret in my hands.
'Heroin? Drug money? That's for me to know and Big Brother to find out.
'I looked up some porn that I'm sure isnae Big Brother's cup of tea, 'but he wants to be the all-seeing eye - good luck un-seeing that! 'And then I jumped on Twitter to play with his mind.
' "When I hit this city, it's gonnae be TRAGIC.
" When Big Brother kicks down my door I'll say, "No, I'm heading up to town to a club.
"You should see my dancing, it's tragic.
'Sorry to waste your time! What a laugh! 'I must've came across as a dodgy bastard.
' I was pretty convincing.
Then I thought "Right enough.
"What if I'm that convincing "when I tell Big Brother I'm joking he doesnae believe me?" 'I showed them I'm empty-handed so they gave me a strip search, 'right there in the park, ball naked.
'What if they tell the papers the porn I've been looking up? 'Once Granny reads that, she won't be able to look me in the eye.
'Or what if I really am in the club one night, mad wi' it, and they go,' "Your dancing doesn't look that tragic to us, you're pretty good.
"You're nicked!" Next thing I'm waking up in Guantanamo.
Imagine waking up in Guantanamo wi' a come down? HE INHALES SHARPLY But it's cool.
You know I'm only joking, Big Brother, and this video's the proof.
Unless, of course, this is just one big, elaborate cover story for my drug empire, and my fiendish porn habits and my plans to do something unspeakably tragic.
Hey? Nah! CHEESY MUSIC Bubbles! And Hollywood actress Scarlett Johansson becomes the face of DIY fizzy drinks in a glossy, promotional video for SodaStream.
But wait! It turns out SodaStream started an independent state of Fizzrael in occupied territory.
Yes, as far as international law is concerned, one of their factories is in an illegal West Bank settlement.
There's nothing worse than a fizzy drink that's settled.
This was a particular problem for Scarlett because she was an Oxfam ambassador, as you can see in these inspiring scenes, and Oxfam campaigns against factories in the occupied West Bank, saying they further Palestinian oppression.
So she was facing a tricky ethical choice - do you stick with the charity that works to save the desperate, the dispossessed and the dying, or promote a machine that farts in your drink? In the end, she chose the drink.
Sorry, guys! In informative coverage Soda Stream's CEO defended the factory, which employs 500 Palestinians who do depend on those wages.
And he defended Scarlett too.
I know Scarlett and she's not only a superhero in her movies, she's a superhero in real life.
Yeah, the Incredible Icewoman.
Still, as the illuminating behind the scenes video made plain, Scarlett's conscience is clear.
'My favourite thing about SodaStream 'is that I' don't feel guilty when I enjoy beverages at home, I don't feel like I'm being wasteful.
Yeah well, not everyone's got a SodaStream yet.
As CNN depicted, some families living a stone's throw from the factory scarcely have a decent water supply.
Never mind fizzy drinks on tap, that poor BLEEP would settle for a tap.
Speaking of hose, the ad Scarlett sold herself for was glossy and impressive.
Like most doctors, my real job is saving the world.
Start with plain water, add bubbles, mix in the perfect flavour.
Look, a soda that's better for you and all of us.
Less sugar, less bottles.
Not less bottles! FEWER bottles! BLEEP me! Like this advert wasn't controversial enough! If only I can make this message go viral.
Er, think you've managed that.
But no, to make the message go viral, Scarlett disrobes, sensationally revealing she's fully clothed? I don't really get it.
I think we're supposed to think she's sucking that straw really sexily.
But that's not enough.
I mean, I guess if she was slurping that drink in front of that poor boy from the harrowing CNN footage, I guess that'd be an ironic juxtaposition that could go viral.
Especially when he looks plaintively down the lens, almost like he's looking at her, and she's just sort of looking back taunting him.
And then she could turn to camera at the end and say, "Mm, evilicious!" But that hasn't happened.
It's all a bit flat really.
Could use more bubbles.
Scarlett's super advert aired during the Superbowl, which as well as being a huge sporting event comes complete with blistering half-time entertainment like this year's barnstorming performance by Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
What I got You gotta get it, put it in ya What I got You gotta get it, put it in ya But who needs some American Superbowl half-time show, when you can see a super show at the bowls, right here in Britain? Specifically the World Indoor Bowls Championships in Great Yarmouth, which was enlivened considerably by this powerfully moving performance of Something Inside So Strong by Barry off EastEnders.
We're gonna do it anyway Because there's something inside so strong I know that I can make it Though you're doing me wrong so wrong Where, where are you going? Come back, come back! The man's singing his heart out, you bastards! There's something inside so strong Oh There's something inside so strong There's something inside so strong CHEESY MUSIC Drizzle! And as Britain continues to lose it's ongoing war with the cloud gods there were astonishing scenes as Sky News visited the undersea kingdom of Somerset, where the locals are taking part in an exciting race to see whether the authorities can bail them out before they evolve gills.
Patches of Somerset were absolutely sopping wet and required sustained and heavy pumping - carried out around the clock by tireless yet anonymous members of the fire brigade - just like your mum does.
What is it with her? After the Government was accused of leaving the Somerset folk to marinade in their own filth they sent in the army to stand around and look commanding on the news.
'But even those who live here were unclear about their role.
' It seems a good idea, but what exactly they're going to do? I don't know.
It's obvious.
They're going to kick raindrops back into the sky.
In dispiriting scenes, Sky's crack anchorwoman and cap stand, Kay Burley, visited Langport, an area of farmland twinned with the Atlantic Ocean, and achieved a career best by making the sky weep openly on camera.
She interviewed a man from the environment agency, wearing a Hi-Vis jacket so you could see him, even in deluge-o-vision.
We've got enormous sympathy for the people who have been flooded.
They don't, they want you to dredge.
I hope they do care.
It doesn't help, does it? I'm sure they want us to have sympathy.
Never mind the river, I think my screen needs dredging.
Worried about health issues, Sky commissioned a scientist to sample the water and find out how much of a health hazard it might be.
This would be something like streptococcus, group A streptococcus, which could cause quite a nasty skin infection if it got into a wound.
See, that looks horrible, but on the plus side it tastes absolutely great on rye bread.
Mm! A few miles away in Waterworld, the news revealed helicopters plugging a gap in the sea wall with sandbags.
While in Fishguard, eight one-tonne bags of aggregate have been placed in the lower town to protect properties ahead of high tides tomorrow morning.
I'm no expert but I reckon the water might get round that.
With their fulsome and well-balanced coverage, ITV proved it's grim up Aberystwyth way, but at least the good folk there have got used to dealing with the cruddy weather.
I think we are, we are getting better in this, you know? Now we have more experience.
I don't know that you've mastered the umbrella.
Finance now and money is either good news or bad news, isn't it? But for as long as anyone can remember, which incidentally is 2008, it's been bad news.
Until recently, when suddenly it wasn't.
Apparently.
The biggest fall in unemployment in 17 years as the British economy begins to rocket into action.
Yes, thanks to these animated numbers the financial crisis was totally over and everyone in Britain was a fully-employed millionaire.
To think, just a few weeks ago Channel 4's grimly depressing Benefits Street was current affairs, now it's period drama.
Thanks to the economic turnaround, instead of worrying about this, we can just marvel at how great it looks on our HD tellies.
Wow! Their suffering is pin sharp! Some cynics claim employment figures are only rising because Cameron's been touring the country for weeks disguising himself as a manual worker on countless occasions to boost the numbers.
Look, here he's playing a surveyor, here he's a factory worker, here he's a salt of the earth Tetley tea man, here a tour guide showing French dickslingers around, and here he is as a malevolent lizard blackness-from-the-stars temporarily shape-shifted into human form.
But the apparently good financial news is bad news for plasticine buzzkill Ed Miliband, seen here accepting a glass of beer from a man who looks like Ant and Dec.
He's recently been trying to drum the notion of a cost of living crisis into the national brain by repeating the phrase so often it becomes a kind of echo.
I talked about the cost of living crisis and the squeezed middle.
Is the cost of living crisis really such a big deal? The cost of living crisis is the single biggest challenge our country faces.
That is the cost of living crisis.
Of course, many people's view of the entire country's financial situation depends on their own personal circumstances and whether the cost of things they're spending money on is rising faster than their incomes.
For instance, many feel the squeeze because of factors like skyrocketing energy bills.
Although to be honest, I'd be happy to pay more for gas and electricity if energy companies would stop running this sort of twee, bollock-lazy, animal whimsy, ukulele sing-song, cartoon horseshit in every other ad break.
This is Hive, it lets you control your heating from anywhere with your phone.
So why aren't you # Surfing on a cab Going to visit your mad dad Or shopping for some trousers When it starts snowing on your schnauzers While Hive is busy controlling your heating at home.
Or you could Sing about tigers from Burma while Gran dies of hypothermia Poor cow dropped dead with the chills Cos she can't pay your swollen bills While I'm withstanding this terrible advert at home.
So what exactly is going on with money? And what is money anyhow? Well, don't worry if you don't know because Philomena Cunk is here now to unravel that mystery in this week's Moments of Wonder.
EPIC MUSIC BUSY STRING MUSIC Money is at the heart of the UK economy, and many others.
People fight for it, die for it and put it in china pigs.
So what is money? Put simply, money is the best way we have of telling how much money you've got.
Over the centuries, many things have been used as money including amber, wheat, eggs, traveller's cheques, feathers, book vouchers, lobsters, beads, gold, leather, Nectar points, rice, peas, mugs and money.
It was only the last of these that caught on.
Increasingly these days, money isn't something you can hold in your hand or bite on like a pirate because it's stored in the imaginations of computers and some of those computers are probably here, in the Bank of England.
But that computer money is in crisis.
UK Government debt is now ã1 trillion, and even Wonga can't help.
So who can? Maybe a money expert can tell us what money is and what to do.
Who are you and why are you an expert on money? I'm Will Hutton, I'm an economist and I'm an economic writer.
What's the difference between ee-conomics and economics? Nothing.
It's just the way you pronounce the e.
I think I prefer economics to ee-conomics.
But I wonder what You could put the same question to the Chancellor and the Governor of the Bank of England and see whether they like the hard E or the soft E.
Hardy or softie? Economics, ee-conomics.
Ee-conomics? Economics? OK.
Money's all stored in computers these days, isn't it? Yes.
How does a computer know what money looks like? How does it know? Well the, uh How does it recognise anything? How does a computer recognise, you know, erm So you don't know? It's You know in principle but you don't know in detail, no.
Do you know what I think's happened? Someone's told a computer what money looks like.
They've gone up to a computer and they've said, "This is, like, a five pound note.
" And then that computer's told the others.
When you have a coin, where is the money in that coin? If I were to take a coin and cut it open, could I take the money out of that coin and then it'd be empty? No, the coin is a token.
The whole point about the coins in your pocket is they are universally accepted as a way of buying things, that's what the money is.
How much does it cost to make a one pence piece? Because if it's less than one pence then it's a con, isn't it? But if it's, like, more than one pence, then Do you see what I mean? Yeah.
Sort of not worth it then.
Yeah, yeah.
It costs a TINY amount of money to make create a one penny piece and that's So they're ripping us off? It seems no-one really knows what money is.
It will always be an unsolvable problem, like a crossword or a Rubik's cube.
Next time on Moments of Wonder, I'll be asking why there's more water in a tap than you'd expect.
MUSIC: "Take On Me" by a-ha Courts! And as the hacking trial enters it's ninth decade, things perk up as one of the Laws of the land walks the legal red carpet on his way to give evidence.
Yes, Hollywood starlet Jude Law was appearing in court and as ITV News made clear, he's playing a young Tony Blair in the production - perhaps the most fully drawn character he's tackled yet.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say that is the most moving scene featuring Jude Law I've ever watched.
Actually, looking at the BBC footage I'd say he's had work done.
It doesn't even look like him any more.
It's very sad.
Shortly afterwards, Jude's former girlfriend Sienna Miller also popped up to give evidence.
The poor thing, these modern HD cameras are so unforgiving.
Look, you can see all her lines.
I have to say, ITN's coverage was far less patchy than that.
I mean, just look at it, it's practically a work of art.
It's so good, it's already been released on DVD, where it's proved so compelling, as you can see, an appreciative audience has already been drawn in.
Of course, Jude and Sienna are movie stars but by pulling a face like a doodle they're drawing on a TV tradition that started back in the '80s, when it was pioneered by a-ha's Morten Haarket in the astonishing video for Take On Me.
Take on me Take on me And it's a trend that continues, as you can see from the BBC footage of controversial courtroom drama Allegation Street.
Which features a handsome drawing of Ken Barlow and a beautiful drawing of his wife - Deidre Barlow.
It's good but it's not as exciting as EastEnders, where a family of coloured pencils just moved in to 2B, causing a right pen-and-ink, then these proper EastEnd thugs called the Crayon Twins turned up for a cheeky sharpener at the Vic, and then Phil got rubbed out.
'God that was awful! Pencil puns? What is this, Crackerjack? 'I think I got away with it.
I doubt anyone will even notice, 'unless they've mic'd up my mind again.
'I hate it when they do that.
'Probably best to end the show to be sure.
' Hmm.
Well, that's all we've got time for this week.
Until next time, go away.
MUSIC: "You Are Here" by Nathan Fake