Citizen Khan (2012) s02e05 Episode Script

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
Community leader.
They all know me Do you like my suit? Number one - Citizen Khan.
MRS KHAN: Come on, get on with it.
MR KHAN: All right, don't rush me.
MRS KHAN: Just stick it in.
MR KHAN: I am! MRS KHAN: But nothing's happening.
Try wriggling it about a bit.
MR KHAN: What about now? MRS KHAN: Uh-uh.
MR KHAN: It's not my fault! It's a very old box.
Why is it taking so long? I can't see anything.
It's OK.
We can see you.
Just put your special jacket on.
There you are.
See? We need electricity, Dad.
My phone's out of charge.
All right, keep all your hairs on.
I don't see Alia making such a fuss.
Now the electricity's on, I can get back on new computer.
(ELECTRONIC FIZZLE) £10 from second-hand shop.
Not bad, uh? Why do you have to be on the computer all the time? I'm doing very important mosque business, sweetie.
Never interrupt God's work.
What is it, Papaji? I'm booking Pakistani celebrity to do the prize draw for the Eid tombola.
If I do this, they'll make me chairman of the committee.
That will show Dave.
Gingers going down! Let's bring back the browns.
Is it going to be a cricketer? Not every famous Pakistani's a cricketer, sweetie.
So who is he? Imran Khan.
Famous cricketer! I'm messaging him now.
Wow, do you know him, then? No, but he'll be on Facebook.
There's only 47,000 Imran Khans on here.
One of them's bound to be him.
You keep filling my house with all your stupid gadgets but you never get me anything.
What about new mobile phone I got you this morning? You got new mobile phone.
You gave me your old one.
It's new to you.
It's a good one, that one.
They don't make them like that any more.
Yeah, but I'm still getting all your calls.
Yes, now you can be my wife and my secretary.
You spend too much time on the internet.
Last night, you were down here until two in the morning.
Would you rather spend time with Imran Khan than come to bed with me? Of course not, sweetie.
(GAGS) I'm not going to wait up there all night for you again.
But night time is the best time to talk to Pakistan city that never sleeps.
Karachi? No, Birmingham! - We're all booked in! - What? Me and Amjad have got our free trial day at the new fitness centre in Edgbaston.
It's really nice.
You have to be invited to be a member.
It's dead exclusive.
So, why did they invite you? We have to go there tomorrow, and then they'll decide whether to let us join.
Guess who proposed us? Matt and Debbie.
Oh, not Matt and Debbie! We Muslims don't need to go to the gym.
If you pray five times a day, you get plenty exercise.
It's all that bending down, isn't it? That's why I'm so slim, Papaji.
Oh, this girl she's like a one-woman praying machine.
This is a step up for us.
I'm not going to live in Sparkhill my whole life.
One day, me and Amjad are going to get a place in Solihull.
We're going to give our family all the things we never had.
What things?! I've always given you everything.
Yeah? What about the pony I always wanted? How many times, Shazia? We don't need a pony.
We got car! I don't know what's wrong with that girl - putting on all these hairs and graces.
She wants to move up in the world, and you shouldn't get in her way and embarrass her.
How could I embarrass her? What's embarrassing about me? (SLURPS NOISILY) (GRUNTS) It's going to be so great! You should come with us tomorrow, Mum.
They do all kinds of classes there, and there's a pool and a spa Well, it does look nice.
I'll have to get plenty of rest though, if I'm going to do all that exercise tomorrow.
So let's just hope I'm not disturbed by someone clumping around the house at two in the morning.
The Wi-Fi's not working, Papaji.
Oh, come on! That's the second time this month! You need to complain to the service provider.
Don't worry.
I'm going to.
Keith! - Keith! - Yes? Have you changed your internet password? Yes, I think so.
Well, bloody well change it back again! (SHE MUMBLES) Oh (CLICK) (CLICK) (CLICK) (GROANS) (GROANS) Aha! (CLINKING) (MECHANISED WAILING) Ssh! Oh the internet! Oh Oh Oh, God! (GROANS) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Ah Aargh! (THUD) (GRUNTS) (CLICK) - (SIGHS) - (CLICK) - (WINDOWS ON TONE) - Oh! (CREAKING) (SHE GASPS) Hello, beti.
What are you doing? Your father's a very important man.
I'm doing some urgent mosque business.
"Anyone fancy a chat?" Yeah.
I'm still trying to get hold of Imran Khan.
But don't tell your mother.
I've just found a new cricket chatroom.
What's it called? Pakistanimatch.
Co.
Uk Are you sure that's a cricket chatroom? Alia, sweetie, who's faced more full tosses and googlies - you or me? - You have, Papaji.
- Good girl.
What are you doing? I was just going out.
Oh Very late.
There's a late night prayer meeting at the mosque.
(CAR HORN BLARES) That's the imam coming to pick me up.
Such a good girl Is that a hijab? Yeah.
It's waterproof, in case it rains.
Clever, modest and practical.
Khuda hafiz.
Don't stay up too late.
I won't.
With these modern technologies, I can communicate at the speed of light! Here we go.
What's my name? Mr Khan.
What do I like? Carrom board Downtown Abbey and cricket.
What's my favourite position? Deep fine leg.
Wow.
Hello there.
I'm Phil.
I'm the manager here at The Place.
Hi.
We're here for the free trial.
We're friends of Matt and Debbie.
I'm Shannon Khan.
It's good to meet you.
Welcome.
Who's Shannon Khan? - It's me.
- But that's not your I know.
It just sounds a bit cooler, more sporty.
- Oh, I get it.
- And your name is? Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think, is it? It's Amjad.
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Amjad.
And this is your address? Solihull.
Mm-hm, that's right.
But you don't live in Oh, gotcha.
- And you are? - Mrs Khan, please, thank you very much.
I've got to pick up Lottie from a riding lesson, so I've only got time for one step class and then yoga.
I know, Wills has got trombone at 4, then I've got book group at 6.
30.
(POSH VOICE) Oh, yes, I've had to leave three loads of washing and I haven't ironed any of my husband's vests.
Which classes are you interested in? She's going to try bums and tums.
I really need it.
They're both in a right old state.
Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.
- Salaam aleikum.
- Waleikum assalam, boys.
- Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.
- Hello, Dave.
How are you today? You look very nice.
Have you done something different with your hair? What do you want? - I need the office.
I'm meeting a VIP.
- What? It stands for "Very Important Pakistani".
Right, I meant who? It's someone I met on the internet.
I've arranged to meet them here.
We are going to have the greatest Eid tombola that Sparkhill has ever seen.
What do you think of that, gravy Davey? Give us a clue.
Who is he? Well, all I can say, he's very famous and Pakistani.
Is it a cricketer? Not all famous Pakistanis are cricketers, you know! I know, but you're wearing your cricket shirt.
- Oh, yes.
- Is it Mohammad Amir? - No.
- Mohammad Asif.
- No.
- Mohammad Yousuf.
- No.
- Mohammad Irfan.
- No.
- Does it begin with Mohammad? It's Umar Gul.
He's not very famous.
I know, but I'm going to use him to get to Imran Khan.
Well, I'm afraid you'll have to have your meeting somewhere else, Mr Khan.
The mosque committee will be here in a minute.
I want them to approve my plans to allow women in the main prayer hall.
Eh? Have you finally flipped your ginger lid, Dave?! Mr Khan, there's no reason why men and women can't mix perfectly happily together.
(SIGHS) You're not married, are you, Dave? Look, I've got nothing against the womens, but they are different to us.
We talk about cricket.
They talk about hair and shoes.
This is what's so good about the mosque.
We keep them separate.
Hi, can I help you? Yes, is this the mosque office? Yes, it is.
You see what happens if you don't keep a firm grip on the rules, Dave? (CLEARS THROAT) Shoe shop is down the road, my darling.
Sorry? I said, "Shoe shop is down the road," and hairdresser's, M&S, TK Maxx.
You mean because she is inappropriately dressed? Er, I don't understand.
Look, this is the mosque office.
You've got to tick two boxes to get in here.
One - Muslim.
Two - mans.
You got no tick so far.
No, really, it's fine.
I'm sorry, Dave, but you've got to be firm with peoples.
Just because she's one of yours, you can't be soft.
You're in charge around here.
You've got to stand up for yourself.
- Mr Khan - Not now, Dave.
I'm talking.
Did you say "Mr Khan"? Deaf as well.
Yes, that's my name - Mr Khan, community leader.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm waiting for someone, so you're going to have to leave.
OK? Goodbye.
But you're the man I'm here to meet.
What are you talking about?! I've never met her before in all my life.
Mr Khan, we met online.
We arranged to meet here.
Oh, dear.
That is a bit naughty.
No, no, no, no.
I arranged to meet Pakistani cricketer online.
She doesn't look like a Pakistani cricketer to me.
Maybe with a beard.
I'm Jackie.
Jackie Smallwood.
But you said your name was Umar Gul.
You put that down in all your messages.
That was OMG.
I was excited to meet someone.
OMG stands for "Oh, my God".
Oh, my God! That's it.
- This is an outrage.
I've been tricked.
- Er You were in a chatroom.
Yes.
Pakistanimatch.
Co.
Uk.
Yes.
Where they match women with Pakistani men.
Oh, bugger! The penny drops.
But what were you doing on a site like that? Trying to meet Pakistani men.
- Why? - I like them.
Why? I've always had a thing about them.
The rugged Imran Khan looks, the smouldering eyes.
There's just something about Pakistani men.
I'm Riaz.
I'm sorry if there's been some confusion.
Well, there has.
A big confusion.
You're not who I had in mind at all! Well, to be honest, neither are you.
What? What do you mean?! Well you're a lot older than I was hoping for.
How dare you! I can still play a bit, you know.
You ought to see me stroking it through the covers.
I don't think anyone wants to see that.
Oh, my God! What if someone sees us together? What will people think? Calm down, Mr Khan.
It's a simple misunderstanding.
You've got nothing to hide.
(KNOCKING) - That's the mosque committee.
- Oh, my God! It'll be OK.
It's a woman in the mosque office.
We've had women in the office before.
Yes, it's only a woman who's inappropriately dressed, who you met on the internet.
Who likes Pakistani men.
Oh, my goodness me, yes, I see what you mean, yes.
(KNOCKING) Do you think I could have a little tour before we go? I've always wanted to see inside a mosque.
What?! This is the house of God, not flipping Madame Tussauds! Oh, we've got to get her out of here.
It's not that way.
They'll see her.
Maybe we could cover her with a prayer mat.
Don't be ridiculous.
We'll put her in the closet.
Come on.
Come on.
- MAN OUTSIDE: Hello? - (KNOCKING) (KNOCKING) Well, what are we going to do? - MEN OUTSIDE: Hello.
Let us in.
- The window.
Come on.
- (KNOCKING CONTINUES) - Oh, God! There's a very big drop on the other side.
- I don't think I could - Don't worry, - they'll go round and catch you.
- Who will? You will! Come on.
(IN URDU) Ah! Salaam aleikum, Mr Mohammed.
We're nearly ready.
We're just rearranging the furniture.
You know, like we don't like our backs to face Mecca? Well, we just realised they have been.
Bloody satnavs.
(NERVOUS GIGGLE) With you in a second, gentlemen.
All right.
You've got to go.
Now listen, I'm sorry about the mix-up.
No hard feelings.
Now, go away and never contact me again! Don't worry, I won't.
- You never answer your phone anyway.
- What? I've sent you loads of texts.
You've never replied once.
I've never had any text.
Oh, twaddi.
My wife's got my flipping phone! OK.
We've got you.
Oh Oh, no (GROANS) - (SHE SCREAMS) - (THUD) Did you get her? - Hello there.
- Salaam aleikum.
I'm afraid you're a bit late for the free trial.
- What? - It's OK.
You can still apply for membership.
Are you a friend of Matt and Debbie? Matt and Debbie?! Certainly not! I'm looking for a Mrs Khan.
Can you spell that? M-l-S-S-U-S Khan.
And you are? Mr Khan.
- So is that your wife? - Yes(!) Well, if you'd like to wait here for her, I'm sure she'll be out soon.
But I need to see her! I'm afraid I can't let you in unless you're with a member.
I don't want to use your stuff.
I just want to see my wife! I'm sorry.
We do have a very strict security policy.
This is worse than Immigration! Thank you What are you doing? No! Oh, God! What the What? - Amjad! - Hello, sir.
Have you Where are your clothes? I've been on the weights, working on my abs, trying to get a bit of definition.
You've got too much definition already.
And where is Mrs Khan? I need to find her.
Why? What's happened? - There's been a mix-up.
- What kind of mix-up? There's been a mix-up with the messages.
What kind of mix-up with the messages? There's been a mix-up with the messages on her mobile phone.
What kind of mix-up with the messages on her mobile? Where is Mrs Khan? She's in a bums and tums taster.
What? She can't taste bums and tums.
What kind of place is this?! You should have let me manage your mobile phone.
OK, sir, we have a system designed to minimise the inconvenience for yourself and enable a smooth and hassle-free transfer process.
- Just give me your pass so I can get in.
- I don't think that's allowed.
- Amjad.
- They're really hot on security.
- Amjad! - You can't be too careful these days.
There's some right nutters about.
Amjad! OK.
- Oh, my God.
She's here.
- Who? Nobody! Ahem.
Is this the yoga class? Yes.
Are you the teacher? Yes.
(SHE MOUTHS) Um, are you an actual guru? Yeah.
Exactly.
- What happened to Nikesh? - Hmm? He usually takes us.
Er, well, there was an accident, you see, doing the yoga.
You know, he tied himself in a knot and couldn't undo it.
How do you want us to warm up? You know the the usual way, I think.
This.
It's probably a little bit different to how the other guy does it.
You see, yoga is mainly an Indian invention.
What I do is more like Pakistani yoga.
It's called "poga".
Poga? Exactly.
So, come on.
Let's get on with it.
Hai! So, come on.
Let's warm up, uh? Now, everybody lie down and close your eyes.
And breathe deeply.
In and out.
In and out.
In and out.
And in - Oh, twaddi.
- (GASPING) and out! OK.
Good.
Why don't you just follow me and do as I do? Howzat? Howzat? Pakistan! Pakistan! Zindabad! Zindabad! - How are you getting on? - I love it here.
We're going to fit right in, aren't we, budhoo? Yes Shannon.
Good.
Well, the vetting process is just a formality really.
I'm sure your memberships will go through no problem.
- All right, all right! - I cannot believe it.
Calm down! I wasn't even looking for you.
I was trying to find the tasty bums.
- Dad! - Hello, beti.
What are you doing here? You said you weren't coming.
I wasn't going to.
And then I met this woman, and it all went a bit pear shaped.
Pear shaped? How rude.
Not you.
You're more like two mangoes and a celery stick.
- I don't believe this.
- Is there a problem here? There certainly is.
This man's not a yoga teacher.
What?! Well, it's a load of mumbo jumbo anyway.
Lying around on mats for hours.
Typical Indians.
Lazy buggers! That's offensive.
And what's worse is you hoity-toity English peoples falling for it.
Dad, don't ruin this for me.
- Shazia, I'm not ruining anything.
- How did you get in here? He gave me his pass.
That's not really allowed.
We have a very strict security policy.
Quite right.
You can't be too careful these days.
There's a lot of nutters about.
- Oh twaddi! - Oh, my God.
That's him! That's the man who pushed me out of a window! Stay away from me! I'm a married man! Dad, what is going on? Nothing.
I've never met her before.
He pushed me out of a window.
OK.
I met her on an internet dating site.
I thought she was a man! Dad?! But she was supposed to be Umar Gul.
Then she turned up at the mosque in a dress.
Umar Gul would never turn up at the mosque in a dress.
He pushed me out of a window.
OK.
Then I pushed her out of a window.
Why are you doing this? You don't understand.
She likes Pakistani men.
I'm having second thoughts.
Right.
Time to leave.
This is supposed to be an exclusive club.
Don't worry, madam, I'll sort this out.
Come on.
This way.
But I've got to get my phone.
I hope you're going to prosecute! You think you're going to meet Imran Khan and then you meet some weirdo in a cheap suit.
Hold on a minute! My dad is not a weirdo.
He's a respectable middle-aged man.
You can't treat him like a criminal.
Whatever he's done, there'll be a perfectly reasonable explanation.
He pushed me out of a window.
You probably deserved it! Ooh And as for you, we won't be joining your gym after all.
So you can stick your application form.
And we don't live in Solihull.
We live in Sparkhill, and my name's not Shannon.
It's Shazia.
And mine's Amjad! Come on, Dad.
We're going.
What about your mother? Mum, we're going.
I don't want to join this place after all.
Oh, thank God.
(THUD) You know I never saw that woman in all my life before this afternoon.
I know.
I only agreed to meet her because I thought she was a man.
I know.
And I would never watch the Downton Abbey with another woman.
I know.
You see what happens when you spend all your time on the internet? Yes, but the technology's not all that bad.
You can use it for good things too.
Like what? Like a man sending his wife a text.
Why would you text me? Why not just say it? Maybe it's the sort of thing you can't say out loud! - Oh, wait.
- Mm? What is it? I gave my phone to Shazia.
(TEXT MESSAGE ALERT) SHAZIA: Oh, my God!