Close Enough (2020) s02e05 Episode Script

Pearle: Randy, you up?
Better get your butt outta bed!
You've got a long trip!
[ Yawning ]
[ Country music playing ]
Uh, make sure not to use that
toilet while I'm gone, Ma.
I gotta fix that nasty clog.
Okay.
Have a safe one, baby!
♪♪
♪♪
[ Bicycle bell chimes ]
Your cheapest ticket
to anywhere, please.
Employee: This will serve
as final boarding call
for flight 833 to Denver.
[ Wand squeaking ]
Phew, made it!
One off-da-hook Donkey Sauce
deep-fried Flavorburger, please!
Ah.
[ Cash register dings ]
[ Bicycle bell chimes ]
♪♪
Ma, I got your burger home
in record time!
You can eat it hot for once.
[ Man grunting ]
[ Rhythmic squeaking ]
Pearle: Now stick it in!
Get in there real deep!
Ma?
[ Both grunting ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Grunting continues ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Gasps ]
It's not what it looks like.
We're lovers!
Huh?
I love thisman.
Ahoooh.
Ew.
♪♪
♪♪
How could you hire another
handyman behind my back?
I didn't want to hurt
your feelings.
You're a fragile boy.
I'm a fragile man!
And being a handyman
is my thing.
That's why I get
to live here rent-free.
I thought it was because
you're the landlord's son.
[ Splutters ]
Randy, I'm sorry
it came to this,
but things had to get fixed,
and, well, you're
-I'm what?!
-Eh
you may not exactly be good
at fixing things?
Says when?!
[ Muttering ] Numbers, numbers.
[ Gulping ]
[ Grunting ]
That'll hold.
But repairs are my calling.
Maybe find
a different calling?
Yeah!
You're good at tons of stuff.
-Binge-watching.
-Toasting bread?
Not wearing a shirt?
Those examples are bullshit
and you know it!
I'm gonna do what troubled young
men have done for centuries --
Gotosea.
[ Exhales deeply ]
This is where I belong!
[ Metal creaking ]
[ Horn blares ]
[ Shouts, gasps ]
[ Kraken roaring ]
[ Coughing ]
Oh, no!
This is my nightmare --
being cast away
on a desert island,
like in that Tom Hanks movie.
What was the name of that one?
Dang it!
[ Groans ]
"Tom Hanks movies"
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh, that was fast.
Tom Hanks was in "Big?"
Huh.
Learn something new everyday.
Hit the old Wikipedia here,
crank the brightness
Better read this slowly
for full comprehension
"Tom Hanks has been featured
in many films
including the one where he is
stranded all alone, by himself.
The title of that movie is"
[ Cellphone beeps ]
Noooooo!
♪♪
♪♪
Noooooo!
Noooooo!
[ Grunts ]
[ Grunts, groans ]
Dang it [ Groaning ]
Hammers and nails,
hammers and nails ♪
Nails and hammers,
a ladder or two ♪
We know what to do.
Righty tighty, lefty loosey!
Need more caulk!
-You can't fix anything!
Why are you even trying,
you tiny me's?!
[ Toilet flushes ]
How can I ever repay you?
I take cash, credit,
or maternal love.
Don't pay him, Maaa!
[ Screaming ]
Handy Randy, Handy Randy,
Handy Randy, Randy Hand ♪
[ Screaming continues ]
What is this David Lynch
bullshit?!
[ Laughter ]
[ Screams ]
[ Groans ]
Welp, I guess I did find
my true calling
Death.
Take me now, cruel God!
Bob Vila from "This Old House?"
Tim Allen as that guy
from "Home Improvement"
whose name I forgot?
-[ "Home Improvement" grunt ]
-Ikea Man?
-[ Pops ]
Nice to meat you, too!
You guys are legends!
My handyman inspiration.
We're here to save you, Randy.
If you don't build yourself
a shelter and quick,
you will die.
[ Grunting ] Gruh-oh.
AwI can't build nothing.
I'm not handy.
And even if I were,
I've got no tools.
You've got the most important
tool of all.
[ Pops ]
Me?
Exactamundo!
You're right.
I am a tool.
That's the spirit.
And don't worry,
we've got your back,
right fellas?
[ Grunting ]
♪♪
[ Tree crashes ]
♪♪
♪♪
[ Grunting ]
[ Dings, pops ]
♪♪
[ Pops, dings ]
[ Drill whirs ]
Would you look at that?
Home sweet home.
An exact replica
of our building.
What do you guys think?
[ As Josh ] So cool!
[ Feminine ] I wanna bring all
my boyfriends here.
As a working mom who wants
to have it all, I love it!
And I'm Alex!
Son, I'm gonna say this in the
least racist accent I can!
You did good.
Also, I love you now.
Thanks, Ma.
Built it all from memory.
Every detail's the same --
the floor's crooked,
the walls are kinda janky.
It's even got that monster
toilet clog.
[ Chuckles ]
Come to think of it,
I could finally
take care of that.
[ Grunting ]
[ Straining ]
What the butt?!
[ Shouts ]
No! Ma!
[ Crying loudly ]
[ Cries ]
I'm sorry
for your loss, Randy.
[ Crying ]
How could this have happened?
No. [ Murmuring ]
Oh, yeah, no.
[ Dings ]
Oh. [ Gasps ]
[ Squeaking ]
♪♪
Oh, no.
If Ma fixes that clog,
the whole house will collapse
and crush everyone!
Unless
Unless I save them.
[ Thunder crashes ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Grunts ]
Thank you, guys!
Thank you for teaching me
to give the ultimate handy!
That's a weird way to put it,
but you're welcome.
♪♪
[ Grunts ]
[ Steel drum playing ]
Randy: [ Breathing heavily ]
I'm too late!
[ Shouts ]
Randy!
Clear that clog and we die!
That's a load-bearing clog.
If you clear it
without substituting
a comparable support,
this whole place goes down.
Yeah, okay, buddy.
[ Grunts ]
Take cover, Ma!
[ Grunting ]
Randy?!
What's happening?
I'm rerouting all the pipes
to clear the clog.
Get to your toilets
and wait for my signal!
♪♪
Ax kick! [ Grunts ]
♪♪
[ Straining ]
[ Hisses ]
Toothpaste!
[ Hissing ]
[ Grunting ]
You son of a bitch.
♪♪
Okay, guys!
On the count of three,
I want you to flush that toilet!
I can't do it!
You've got to!
Three, two, one!
Fluuush!
♪♪
That'll hold.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
You saved the house, baby!
[ Island music playing ]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
And I'm Alex!
[ Children laughing ]
Ugh, how is it
that every kid
seems to have their birthday
party in the same six weeks?
Aw, they're not that bad.
[ Grunts, chuckles weakly ]
We've got three
more this weekend.
Only three? Lucky.
We've got five.
See you guys
[ Children laughing, shouting ]
♪♪
♪♪
This party rules!
I can't wait for my party
next weekend.
[ Chuckling nervously ]
Us, too
Can't wait
[ Chuckles weakly ]
I can't take
any more forced fun.
Just kill me now.
[ Shouts ]
[ Groans ]
Thank you.
♪♪
♪♪
Okay, I've booked the magician
for Candice's party,
ordered the cake,
I bought the decorations,
and scored some Xanax
to get us through it.
When did birthday parties
become so not fun?
Yeah, I feel like the parents
deserve a party
just for going
to all these parties.
Wait, can we do that?
Do what?
Throw a party for the
parents at the same time
as Candice's party.
Can we do that?
I'll get Pearle
to watch the kids!
I'm ordering a keg.
Oh, my God, we could do
weed delivery.
Siri, how do you
make peyote?
Let's buy cocaine!
Too far?
Too far.
[ Children laughing, screaming ]
Hey! [ Blows whistle ]
Put that snot
back in your nose!
[ Gasps ]
That cake is ginormous.
Here comes the cavalry!
Mom, Dad!
Come into the bounce house
with me!
It's so fun!
We have to bring this
to the garage, sweetie.
You go have fun
with your friends.
Hmm
[ Electronic dance music plays ]
This is how you celebrate
a kid's birthday.
No kid shit, just booze.
Wow!
Cookies you can eat?
My favorite!
We're the best parents.
[ Clears throat ]
Candice [ Chuckles ]
You're not supposed
to be in here.
But you are.
Uh, let's get off the big metal
juice box, sweetie.
Everybody, we'll be right back.
Drink up!
[ Cheering ]
Hey, look,
the magician's here!
You can set up over there
and start whenever you're ready.
The Amazing Sardini
is always ready!
But where are the parents?
Well, we had this idea
that the parents
could have their own party.
Cool, right?
We got tired of the standard
kids birthday party thing.
But magic is an all-ages
entertainment.
Don't you want to see the look
on your children's faces
when I createillusions?
Yeah
We had this awesome idea
that the parents
could have a party.
So
Uhh
[ Panting ]
[ Cheering ]
Oh, yeah, whippin' out
the six pack!
Whoo-hoo!
-Oh, my God.
Wouldn't it be funny
if we all made out?
Ha, let's get
naked and fight!
[ Grunts ]
-Ow! I'm down.
What the butt?!
We were gone for five minutes!
What'd you expect?
You gave a bunch of parents
a keg.
Everyone knows once you have
kids you can't hold your liquor.
Whoo! I just had a Corona!
[ Groans ]
-[ Gasps ]
[ Moaning ]
And what's the first rule
of Naked Fight Club?
Hey, some nerd is doing magic.
Let's go make fun of him.
What seems like
an ordinary handkerchief
is actually
a magic handkerchief.
[ Dove cooing ]
[ Parents shouting
indistinctly ]
Okay, guys.
Let's get back into the garage.
-Fake thumb!
-Magic sucks!
Suck your own [bleep]!
[ Gasps ]
Ma'am!
There are children here!
[ Cheering ]
Hey kids, watch me
make this beer disappear.
[ Children eww ]
Shut up!
It's a stout,
and it's my second!
Ladies and gentlemen,
if everyone could please respect
the art of magic
for a moment.
[ Booing and jeering ]
Enough!
You wanted a party
without children,
did you not?
[ Indistinct chatter ]
Exite cerimonia!
[ Pops ]
[ Cheering ]
Now that's a good trick.
I took a class
at the Magic Castle, so
Uh
What just happened?
Did he justactually
What did you do?!
Where are the kids?!
I sent them somewhere they can
enjoy a real birthday party,
which you clearly
cannot provide.
If you want them, put on
the hats and go get them.
[ Snaps finger ]
Alex, Bridgette!
Keep the parents distracted.
Hey, I think there's some
artisanal pizzas
in the garage
Ready?
Let's do this.
[ Pops ]
[ Both gasp ]
Where the hell are we?
Gifty: Birthday World,
ya silly bean!
A land of nonstop fun
where the currency is laughs
and it's illegal to frown!
Just kidding, we don't
have government here.
O-kay
Where are the kids?
They're atop Mount Cake
in Castle Joy!
Yay, Castle Joy!
[ Children screaming ]
And what's happens
in Castle Joy?
A never-ending birthday party!
It's like Chuck E. Cheese,
except soon your children will
forget they even have parents
[distorted ] and choose
to stay here for all eternity.
[ Normal voice ] Yaaaaay!
[ Dings ]
This place is a nightmare.
Come on!
[ Growling ]
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[ Screaming ]
[ Chomping ]
♪♪
[ Both gasp ]
[ Balloons squeaking ]
♪♪
[ Children screaming ]
Candice? We're coming!
[ Screaming continues ]
[ Children cheering ]
Candice?
Are you okay?
Candice?
[ Laughs ] Gotcha!
[ Both gasp ]
Together: Sardini!
[ Children groaning ]
Give us back our daughter,
Sardini.
We survived
all your challenges.
[ Laughs ] But the most
important challenges
are yet to come.
[ Grunts ]
[ Both shout ]
First, you must select
all images
with traffic lights on them!
Really?
Sorry, it's part
of the procedure.
We need to make sure
you're not a bot.
[ Window blipping ]
[ Window chimes ]
Nice, Em!
Next, a test of how well
you know your daughter.
[ Ominous organ plays ]
What is her favorite
kind of birthday cake?
Easy,
she likes strawberries.
No!
[ Organ blares ]
[ Screams ]
No!
It's a trick question!
Candice loves all cake.
Her favorite is going to be
the biggest one.
Oh, yeah!
Very good.
Now, what is her favorite
birthday activity?
Well, she did say she wanted
to bounce with us.
But remember how hard
she laughed
when we played musical chairs
and I fell on my face?
She also loves it
when I swing the piñata.
Don't worry, children!
If they get it wrong,
you'll spend the rest
of your days
living off of nutritious
Necco Wafers!
Yaaay!
[ Roaring ]
It could be
any of these things.
That's the answer.
It's all of these.
Her favorite activity
is the one she does with us.
You are correct!
But for your final test,
answer the question
of a special guest.
Mom, Dad?
Candice!
[ Breathing heavily ]
Ah-ah-ah, first you answer
the question.
Uh
Why'd you guys want to spend
time in the garage
instead of with me?
We blew it, honey.
We didn't mean to ignore you.
We just wanted to do something
nice for the parents,
and we got
wrapped up in it.
Sometimes parents want
to have grown-up fun,
but we were selfish.
Today should've been about you.
And to show me how sorry you are
you'll get me an iPad Pro?
Well
[ Both chuckling nervously ]
Great. Amazing Sardini,
this place is cool,
but I'd like
to finish my party at home.
Very well.
-Candice!
-Candice!
Congratulations, parents.
You learned the true
meaning of birthdays.
Hooray!
[ Hacking ]
You are free to go.
Candice, I must admit
I was hoping
you would choose
to stay here with me.
You see, I have no children
of my own.
I can't have them.
Skateboarding accident
when I was a teen.
I was doing a trick
on a handrail.
I think you can imagine
how that went.
[ Inaudible ]
The one thing
that gives my life purpose
is letting children
d-- d--
Guess it's just you
and me again.
There, there, Sardini.
[ Slurping ]
Both moaning ]
Unwrap me
Oh, yes, mmm
Oh, Gifty
[ Parents snoring ]
And the 12th thing only
a true '90s kid will remember
is Tamagotchis.
[ Snoring ]
Hey, I thought they'd never
fall asleep.
Awwthey look so peaceful.
[ Cheering and laughter ]
I-I'm awake!
I was watching them the whole
time. [ Breathes deeply ]
[ Whispering ] Shhh!
We just got them down!
Can I go in the bouncy house?
With you guys?
-Let's get in that bounce house.
As a family!
[ Laughter ]
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
tell me more about this
universal basic income.
[ Electronic dance music plays ]
Hey, man, you do you.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪