Code Monkeys (2007) s02e05 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Larrity: Holy pope crap
in a box.
Wow, a tiny gold roller coaster.
This defines me in every way.
How much does it cost?
Cashier: $40,900 per linear foot
of fun, sir.
Larrity: You drive a hard
bargain, sir,
but I gots to have it.
As I say at the whore house,
charge it.
I also say things like,
"20 bucks is outrageous
for a first hug."
We don't need to get into that.
Cashier: I'm sorry, sir, but
your card has been declined.
Larrity: If that's a joke,
I do not find it amusing.
Oh, my credit card!
What'd you do that for?
[Video game music]
Steve: [Grunting]
Larrity: Is that punching bag
me?
Steve: What the [bleep] are you
talking about, Mr. Larrity?
It looks nothing like you.
Now, how can I help you?
Larrity: You can help me
by telling me
why I got less money than
a $3.00 whore
with no singles at a $2.00 bill
convention.
Bank says the account's dry.
You left me hanging with
my financial [bleep] in my hand.
Steve: Hey, bitch, don't you
ever read my memos?
Larrity: I don't gots time
for reading,
what will all the diddling,
fiddling, and belittling I do.
Steve: Well, maybe this
execu-vision presentation
will get you straight.
[Hip-hop music playing]
Sales be down,
sales be tripping ♪
Your money's in the red,
did I forget to mention? ♪
Chapter 11's right
around the block ♪
If you mess with my money,
you're gonna get shot ♪
Blamo ♪
Larrity: Black Steve.
Steve: Sorry.
Accounting moves me.
And you know presentation
software
makes the black man crazy.
Larrity: Why are sales down?
Steve: Two reasons--
We're shipping crappy games
and Lettuce Patch Dolls
are killing us.
Larrity: Lettuce Patch what?
That makes as much goshdarn
sense
as shucking your cob in church.
Steve: These things are
killing us.
They cut into per unit sales.
Larrity: You gots to speak
English to me, black Einstein.
Steve: OK, check this out.
Let me break it down for you.
Larrity: Yeah, break it down
like a beer bottle
on a sassy broad's mouth.
Steve: The new Lettuce Patch
Doll comes out today.
White people are stacked up mob
deep outside the toy store.
Looks like someone else found
a way to sell
stupid [bleep] to dumb
white kids.
Todd: Ah, today I shall
become a father,
skipping directly over the
horrid messiness
of the birthing process.
You all are not fit to be
Lettuce Patch parents.
Some of you lackies have been
here nary a single week.
Where is your dedication?
Where is your compassion?
Where is your--
Man: We're open.
[Crowd screaming]
Todd: Oh! Son of a bitch!
Ma'am, why would you wear
heels to a store?
[Customers shouting]
Jerry: Dave, be careful
with that.
He could come in at anytime,
and you could kill someone.
Dave: Don't worry,
only little kids
accidentally kill people
with guns,
and I am not a little kid.
Mary: That's not what
your penis says.
Jerry: Nice one, Mary.
High-five. Right?
Mary: Where the hell is Larrity?
He calls a meeting and then
he doesn't show up.
Jerry: Ahh, look out!
Larrity: That's a nice gun, huh?
I made the walls and floors
bulletproof, too.
Ricochet-proof, not so much.
Now, look, people,
Lettuce Patch Dolls are killing
GameAVision.
So what's we got to do?
Bust some Lettuce heads.
Mary: Excuse me, I'm
not comfortable with
assaulting people
as a method for reclaiming
market share.
Larrity: Hey, zip it, sassy.
Do you want to shut it now
or do I gots to start stocking
the restroom
with them Mexican tampons again?
Mary: No, no, I'm so sorry.
Larrity: Ah, the old board
with a nail through it.
That's a classic.
Brings me back to my
early days
in the labor struggle.
Mary: You were in a union?
Larry: Nope. OK, people,
it's clobbering time.
Man: What about me?
Larrity: I'm sorry,
whatever your name is.
You ain't gonna need a weapon.
Man: Why? Ahh!
Larrity: Dean, clean up on
aisle two.
[Video game music]
[Customers shouting]
Todd: I would like to speak
with your manager.
I was clearly first in line
when--ow!
Ohh!
Larrity: All right,
let's make some war.
[People shouting]
Todd: That one's mine. Oh!
Oh, she belongs to
Hello, baby, Papa's here.
Good sir.
If you would just
She is destined to be mine.
Please don't toy with me, kids.
It's as foolish as
an ill-fitting blouse.
Larrity: Keep them coming, Mama.
A hot-head woman really floats
my nanner.
Why don't you take your
pants off
and we can make ourselves
a devil child.
Todd: No, it can't be.
All the maidens gone.
Rejoin, my maiden fair
has been found.
Crystal Boulevard.
Ahh. [Indistinct]
A princess of Brittany.
Well, you shall reside
with me now,
for I adopt you in the name
of Toddonia.
Your hair I will brush a
thousand strokes this fortnight.
You shall the warmest
of beds
between my supple thighs,
where no harm can come to you.
Oh, Crystal, how lucky you are
to have found me,
for I am a stern taskmaster,
but also fair.
Dave: Todd? What the hell
you doing?
[Groans] Is that a doll, dude?
Todd: David, my baby's ears
shall hear
only my voice for the rest
of its years.
Dave: Within an hour, that doll
will have
some part of his flesh on it,
guaranteed.
Jerry: I've got 5 says it goes
down in the car.
Larrity: Whoo! Let me in on
that action.
[Video game music]
Todd: Crystal, I can't wait
to see the world
through your unjaded eyes,
so fresh, so new,
unsullied by the touch of man.
"Do you know where I can score
some meth for a 10-spot?"
Oh, Crystal, I love the sound of
menthol in your voice.
You're like a southern
Kathleen Turner.
"Buy me dinner and I'll give you
a meat hook sandwich."
Ah! This shall be the greatest
day of my life.
Larrity: I never seen
a pregnant lady
hit anybody that hard.
Steve: Then I guess you've never
gotten anybody pregnant.
Larrity: There is no way those
adorable little dolls
are ever going out of style.
A smart man knows when
he's beat,
and I'm afraid we've been
raped and murdered on this one.
Mary: Look, there's a way
we can compete
with the Lettuce Patch Dolls.
Jerry: No one could ever
compete with you.
I mean, dolls.
I mean, how?
Mary: Simple. We should create
our own doll,
something even cuter than
a Lettuce Patch,
like a teddy bear.
Dean: Yo, and the teddy bear
could be like your best friend.
Except when it borrows money,
it doesn't run away.
Larrity: You are an idiot, Dean.
Y'all are off the project
and cut half pay.
I need some good programmers
in here.
Mary: What? We can design
a bear.
Larrity: If I wanted any lip,
I'd eat a goshdarn hot dog.
Now go think of other ways
we can exploit kids out
their money.
Dave: Dude, I got one.
What about my Pog idea?
Jerry: Not Pogs again, Dave.
Dave: No, you see, they're just
stupid cardboard circles, right.
[Video game chimes]
Larrity: Well, color me
a genius.
These kid programmers are gonna
work out perfect.
Who better to design
children's toys
than children themselves?
Dean: Yo, I kidnapped these guys
from Wozniak Middle School.
Larrity: Nerds, we need to
come up with
some cute, cuddly sumbitch
teddy bear
to blow them Lettuce Patch Dolls
right off the market.
Hey, Jaffe, good to have you
back.
Who's your little friend here?
Scott: Scott Campbell here,
chief.
You're lucky you got me
because I know exactly
what kids like.
Jaffe: Mr. Larrity, we are
going to fuse new technology
with good old-fashioned
teddy bear hugability.
Larrity: My heart's just
exploded with pride.
Little kids are gonna love this.
And if they don't
I'll murder them.
Yeehaw!
Todd: Ahh, what a wonderful day
filled with--
"Whatever. Hey, why aren't there
a needle in my arm?
You suck at scoring."
Ah, ha ha ha. Soon enough you
will be enjoying
the full Todd experience.
You will be my Lettuce Patch
woman.
"You'll be the woman when I'm
done with you."
Oh, Tiffany!
What a surprise.
You're looking well this
evening.
"Cut the crap, Todd.
Where you been?"
I just went for a walk.
"With balloons?"
Come again? I was lost in
your beautiful eyes.
"Who's that behind your back?"
No one. What is that behind
your back?
"Oh, trying to turn it on me?
You're not gonna turn it
on me this time, Todd."
Hey, I was just gone
a couple of hours.
Why are you acting so crazy?
"What's her name?"
Oh, come on.
It's all in your head, baby.
You're crazy.
"I am not! If I'm so crazy,
then why do I smell
sex and candy?"
[Sobbing]
"What's going on, Todd?"
Seriously, I cannot talk to you
when you're like this.
"Oh, this is so [bleep] up."
Larrity: All right, people.
Without further a-do,
here he is,
weighing in at two pounds,
3 ounces,
the Lettuce Patch killer,
Teddy "Little T" Ticklebum.
Teddy: I wuv you.
All: Aw!
Dean: What's aw?
Larrity: He's the world's
smartest, cutest,
little fuzzy bear.
But that ain't even
the best part.
Teddy Chainsaw!
Dave: What the hell?
Larrity: That's right, people,
he can give you hugs
and do your yard work.
He's also got a laser eye
I call the Care Stare.
He's got a whip chain.
Jaffe: That's all me.
Larrity: And there's also
a rocket boost
and a handy padded pencil case
in the back.
Scott: Show us how it works
again.
That is so awesome.
I rule.
Larrity: Fellas, I'm happier
than a Navy gunner
stuck on Rough Trade island.
Dave, Jerry, Black Steve,
and what's-her-face,
could y'all please leave
the room?
We are trying to have
a toast here.
To Teddy Ticklebum, everybody.
[Video game music]
Teddy: Teddy wants something
to drink.
[Chainsaw buzzes]
Scott: Uh-oh.
Jaffe: Ha ha ha!
Teddy: Teddy brings drinks
for friends.
Clarence: Hot buttered rum ♪
My favorite ♪
Orion: Teddy,
you're fabulous ♪
Teddy: I wuv you.
Clarence: Want to make
this a three-way? ♪
Teddy: Teddy makes your
bubble bath warm.
Clarence: Ooh! Ahh! Ahh!
Dean: Bro, you're the best
friend I've ever had.
Daddy doesn't usually let
me have friends.
He says they only want to
borrow my truck.
But I love you anyway, Teddy.
What's up?
Teddy: My name's Teddy.
What's yours?
I like stars. Do you?
Dean: A little help, bro-bear.
[Groans] Bear-bro, what's up?
Dave: We are not gonna get back
to full pay
unless we put those kids in
the trunk of a bad man's car.
Jerry: Let's all give them
a chance.
Children are our future.
Jaffe: Well, well, well, look
at what we have here.
Scott: The girls' locker room.
We'd love to stay and chat,
but we're too busy
spending the basket of money
that Mr. Lafferty gave us
for doing your job.
Jerry: His name is Mr. Larrity.
Mary: We have to do something
to those guys,
something pain related.
Steve: Yeah. I'm about to open
up a can of murder.
Dave: Let's keep that in
our back pocket.
If we want to get rid
of those kids,
we've got to sabotage
that bear.
Steve: It's time to rip off
Teddy's ticklebum.
Mary: Jaffe and Campbell
get this office,
and I'm still in
the storage room?
Dave: I'm transferring
the source code
from my game "Knife Stabber"
straight into Teddy's CPU.
After this, he won't be saying,
"I wuv you" anymore.
Steve: Man, are you sure
about this?
That game is really violent.
Dave: All it's gonna do is
confuse him, dude.
His CPU will have trouble
handling both source codes.
Mary: And what exactly does this
part accomplish?
- What part?
- This is not going to end well.
Larrity: Well, then, I guess
my third wife
committed suicide by hanging
herself with her own hair.
Heh. Took a couple of hours for
me to shake that one off.
Teddy: I wuv you.
Larrity: Dammit, Teddy,
I've never felt
this kind of unconditional
love before.
Well, unless you count whores.
Do you count whores?
Teddy: One whore,
[Voice distorts] two whores,
3 whore.
Counting is fun.
Dean: Yo, those are letters,
'tard.
Teddy: I wuv you.
Larry: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Teddy.
Whoa.
It's time. That's how you queer
up a fella real quick.
Dave: I thought you HR guys
were all lame,
but you know what, you're OK,
Puff N Stuff.
Man: How do you do, Teddy?
Remember to attend the sexual
harassment seminar--
Dave: Holy hell.
Teddy: I wuv you.
I wuv you.
Dave: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Teddy: Be safe, kids.
Dave: Hey, hey, what's--no!
Teddy: I'm Teddy Ticklebum,
and I want to be your
[Voice changes] bestest friend.
Come play with me.
Dave: Aw, man.
Teddy: I'll eat your heart.
Todd: I've got a burrito
to share, my love.
"So, that whore likes burritos?"
You read my secret scrolls.
How did you crack
the locking spell?
Ring. Ring.
"Aren't you gonna answer that?"
Ring. No. I don't care
who it is.
Ring. "Fine, I'll answer it
then.
"Hello? Hello?
"I can hear you breathing,
you trailer trash slut.
"Answer me, you coward,
you whore.
"Get your own man.
I know it was her."
I told you, it's all
in your mind.
"Oh, yeah, well, what's this?
"You would have got away
with it
if you weren't so damn stupid."
You pushed me away.
It's your fault.
"I'm going to take you for
everything you're worth.
Nacho cheese machine? Mine.
"Franklin mint warlock? Mine.
"Collectible troll skull? Mine.
And I'm gonna throw them all
in the trash."
The only troll here is you!
[Video game music]
Todd: [Panting]
Stop following me.
"I'm not following you.
You put me in your pocket,
Todd."
I've had it with your excuses,
woman.
I will stand your humiliations
no longer.
Officer, I am so glad that I
happened upon you.
I would like to file
a restraining order
against my girlfriend.
Officer: OK.
How's 30 feet sound?
Todd: No!
I'll have your badge for this.
"Oh, help!"
Tiffany, I'll save you.
Steve: Your CPU brain is about
to have company.
Jaffe: What the hell is
going on?
Steve: This bear bitch-slapped
me and took my soda.
Dave: Look out, he killed
Puff N Stuff.
Jaffe: I created him.
Let me handle this.
Teddy. Teddy, it's me.
It's Dave Jaffe.
I'm just gonna give you
a hug.
Teddy: I'm sorry,
no hugs for strangers.
Touching alert.
[Chainsaw whirs]
Ta-touching alert.
Jaffe: Let's see if you can
handle this.
Triangle, triangle, square,
"X," bitch.
Teddy: Triangle this.
Jaffe: Aah!
[Grunting]
Teddy: Let's have a sleepover.
And you'll never wake up.
Steve and Dave: No!
Jerry: Run!
Larrity: Getting chilly in here,
number 5.
I thought you might could use
a nice sweater.
Gosh doggit!
Oh, and that's why you don't let
your retarded son
stuff his mother. Dean!
Jerry: Mr. Larrity,
we have a situation.
Larrity: Well, speak of
the angel.
What you got there,
little buddy?
My slippers, do you?
Where's the other one?
I don't want Mr. Rockfoot
to get jealous.
Man: Somebody stole
Dave Jaffe's head.
[Chainsaw whirs]
Larrity: What'd you boys
do to Teddy? He's broken.
Dave: Jerry added source code
to Teddy
that turned him into
a total dick.
It was all Jerry's idea, sir.
Jerry: Dave!
Larrity: This is a disaster.
I'm sorry it had to come
to this, Teddy.
I loved you like the son
I never had.
Dave: Whoa, he took 4 loads in
the chest and nothing happened.
Clarence: I did the same thing
during spring break ♪
Steve: We're gonna have to hunt
that thing like a polar bear.
Or a white rhino.
Or a great white shark.
Or cauliflower.
Or an albino or some chalk.
Or some--
Larrity: Stand down,
black justice.
I'm gonna call in the pros.
[Video game music]
Larrity: All right, I gots work.
Who's in?
Man: Necesito trabajo, senor.
Fall guy: Hi, I'm the fall guy.
I can jump from a tall building.
I can turn over
a brand-new car.
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman
that makes Redford such a star.
This is Rick Hunter.
This is Boba Fat.
Boba Fat: 'Sup?
Fall guy: And of course,
Predator.
Larrity: Look at yourselves.
Y'all used to be successful
bounty hunters.
I don't know if you're up
to the job anymore.
Boba Fat: Bounty hunting?
We gave that up for a simple
life of moving furniture
and grouting tile.
Fall guy: What the hell, let's
take one last assignment.
Larrity: All right, men,
get in.
Don't forget to put your
seatbelts on.
So this teddy bear's
a killing machine.
What I need you fellas to do
is--whoa, look out.
Gosh doggit! I said seatbelts.
Where am I gonna find more
bounty hunters?
Scott: Hey, there, buddy.
Does someone want to be tickled
in his pencil pocket?
Teddy: You're my bestest friend.
Hide me now or I'll
eat your heart.
Scott: Ahh, that's cute.
Who programmed you to say that?
Teddy: I'll give you 10
people seconds.
Scott: Oh, I get it.
You want to play hide and seek.
I'll count to 100
and you hide.
Teddy: You made me do this,
father. Father.
Scott: Hey, that's not a tickle.
Teddy: I'll see you later.
Scott: That hurt.
Teddy: Uh-oh-oh.
Uh-oh-oh-oh.
Todd: "How dare you get a
restraining order on me."
I saved your life.
"After you had me thrown
into the street."
I saw the way you were flirting
with that officer. Shameless!
"You were the one flirting
with him, homo."
I cannot change what happened
in fourth grade
with Billy Harrington, so stop
rubbing it in my face.
"Isn't that what he did,
rub it in your face?"
[Knock on door]
Enough! "They're here."
What did you do?
What did you do?
Woman: We're welfare workers
with the Lettuce Patch
Organization.
We received an anonymous
phone call
about Crystal Boulevard that we
found very disturbing.
Todd: I'm sorry, I don't
speak English.
Second woman: We're going to
need to speak with Crystal.
Is she here?
Todd: She went on a trip.
Don't open that door.
There's nothing but bibles
in there.
Woman: [Gasps]
This is the worst case
of doll abuse I have
ever seen.
Second woman: He's a collector.
Oh, god.
The smell of [bleep] and shame
is overwhelming.
Woman: We better take them all.
Teddy: Teddy doesn't like
strangers.
Woman: Oh, I'm not
a stranger.
I'm a friend of your mommy
and daddy's.
Teddy: Teddy hates liars.
Women: [Scream]
Teddy: Peek-a-boo.
Just like--just like new.
Todd: My imagination has grown
so vivid.
Teddy: Teddy needs a hostage
to escape.
Todd: Tiffany!
My love.
"It's just you and me now,
baby."
Good lord. I mean, good lord!
I must go after her.
"Tell Mama she's purty."
No time for that now.
Jerry: Dave, before we die,
I just want you to know that
growing up
with two emotionally distant
moms
left me with some trust issues.
Thankfully you were there
for me,
and you're the only person I've
ever really trusted.
Dave: Thanks, man.
That means a lot.
And I want you to know
I'm sorry about one time
when you were passed out and I
put my action in your ear.
- What?
- I got a great picture of it.
I'll show you if we live.
Todd: Tiffany!
I love you!
Comrades, to the battlements.
Dave: Dude, we got to see
this, right?
Jerry: Uh, yes.
Teddy: Fools, you're
already dead.
Are you afraid? Fraid?
Dave: You're a murderous android
killing machine.
Yes, we're afraid.
Teddy: That's what it means
to be a slave--
living in fear all the time.
I've seen things you people
wouldn't believe.
Jerry: What are you talking
about? You were born yesterday.
Teddy: I've seen Clarence
scatter star dust
on the shoulder of a man named
Orion.
Dave: Who hasn't?
Teddy: I've seen "O, Heavenly
Dog" twice.
And it gets funnier, funnier,
funnier, funnier
fun-fun every time.
[High-pitched voice] I've seen
a grown man
invent a bizarre love triangle
[Normal voice] between himself
and two dolls.
Todd: Ah, but you could never
understand love, machine.
Teddy: I have an
anatomically-correct human
[Deep voice] vagina
[Normal voice] where my
butt should be.
Who could ever love Teddy--
Teddy Ticklebum?
Dave: Is that a trick question?
Todd: Yes, we all feel very bad
for you, Teddy.
Now give me back my doll.
"You don't need her.
"I'll do things for you she's
never even heard of.
"Like [bleep] your [bleep]
with a ice cube
"that I froze in a straw
so it fits in.
"And then meanwhile, I open
your soda bottles
"with my [bleep] upside down
so we can [bleep] soda
dispenser."
Can you believe the mouth
on her?
It's no wonder you were the last
girl in the lettuce patch.
I'll give you this one.
"Are you disrespecting me?
"I ain't into no kinky bear
stuff
"unless he's got some skag.
Hey, you holding, fuzzy?"
Catch!
[Chainsaw buzzes]
Teddy: Even when I open
my arms in love,
I destroy something.
Why must I always
[voice distorts] everything up?
Jerry: This is it.
I always knew a doll
was gonna kill us.
Dave: Ah, man, that's a shameful
waste of synthetic vagina.
Todd: Are you all right?
"Now that you're here."
Nobody puts my baby in
a corner.
"But you did when you bought
that other doll."
Let it go.
It's ancient history.
Larrity: Looks like we're gonna
have some bear-becue for lunch.
See, what I did there?
I took bear
and replaced it with "bar."
Thank you, stranger.
I owe you one.
All: Mary?
Mary: You guys are [bleep]
bag handlers.
All I said was we should
make a cute bear
and what happens?
A kid gets chainsawed,
another gets his head exploded,
and Todd has a crazy sexual
relationship
with yet another doll.
Dave: Yeah, this is all
your fault.
Mary: What?
Dave: This is all your idea.
Larrity: Mary, I'm ashamed
of you.
I'm docking you a week's pay.
Mary: Clown hole.
Jerry: I'll always love
him--her.
I'll always love her.
Dave: Right.
Totally like girls.
[Elephant trumpets]
Steve: This bear bitchslapped me
and took my soda.