Cold Feet (1997) s02e05 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 5
Shit! No.
Jen? Jen? Oh.
You.
And a top of the morning to you, you whore.
Tea.
l hope you haven't used up all the hot water.
Ah.
Right.
'Ey! Oi! (Doorbell) Ramona! (Doorbell) - Sorry.
- (Sighs) Yes? Hi.
l'm Nick.
- Yeah? - David's brother.
- David who lives here? - Unless there's another? - No, it's just l didn't know he had a brother.
- He talks about me a lot, does he? - As much as the rest of his family.
- That sounds like David.
So, can l come in? Well, there's nobody here at the moment.
- You are.
- Yes, but l'm leaving.
Fair enough.
lt's the risk of arriving unannounced.
l'll wait in a bus shelter until they get back from work.
No.
No.
l'll ring him.
Good idea.
You don't know his office number, do you? l'll phone Karen.
Jen, it would easier to talk this through if he was still living here.
Not interested.
l'd rather eat dog dirt.
He's stopped seeing her.
- They work together.
- Yeah, but Forget it, Adam, please.
Just forget it.
Oi! Oi! Where are you going with that? - Adam's.
- No, you're not.
- What, you mean l can stay? - l mean you're not taking that suitcase.
We bought it together.
My half stays here.
What am l supposed to cart my gear around in? Plastic bags are under the sink.
You can have five.
Are you not maybe being a wee bit hard on him? - Do you think so? - Yes.
All right.
You can have six.
Nick.
What are you doing in Manchester? Just passing through, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
l know.
Thought l'd pop by and say hi, but l'm having a problem with your welcoming committee.
- Rachel? - ls that her name? She didn't want to tell me.
Seems to think l might be a bit of a con man.
Yeah, well, she's always been what you might call perceptive.
What do l think of her? She seems very nice.
Attractive.
A bit prickly, but l'm sure that's just on the surface.
ls she seeing anyone? Nick.
Really? Nicholas, let me talk to her.
She wants to talk to you now.
l don't believe you told him l'm not seeing anyone.
Rachel, l didn't.
Oh.
Listen, can you lend him your keys and tell him to make himself at home? l'm late for a meeting.
Yeah, l will do.
l'll see you tonight.
Bye.
Well, you passed.
Come in.
Shall l dump my stuff in the spare room? l'm staying in the spare room.
l figured you were .
.
Rachel.
Right, well er Come in.
Um Make yourself at home.
- See you later.
- l hope so.
Bye.
Great, then, Jen.
So that's your marriage over, huh? Listen, l gave him a chance and he didn't stop seeing her.
He didn't know you were giving him a chance.
l gave him the ultimatum.
lt was me he gave his word to.
ln a sense you could argue it was me he betrayed.
l could've put that better.
Just don't kick him out.
For no other reason than l don't want to live with him when he's miserable.
He eats all my food.
My heart bleeds.
Right, l'll be off, then.
Got everything? Have you got a picture of your own son? You got that? Ah.
Ah.
No.
God help whoever has to look after you now.
Please, Jen.
There you go.
You can have that one.
lt's an old one.
We're smiling.
Well, l would ask you to stay.
But there again See you.
(Door slams) (Softly) Bye.
(Tearfully) See See you.
See you.
Nicholas? - What does he want? - David, why does he have to want anything? He just thought it would be nice to see us.
- Oh, yeah.
So where is he, then? - He's at the pub with Rachel.
- That's his idea of seeing us, is it? - You were at the office.
You'll see him at dinner.
- So he's invited himself to dinner? - l invited him for dinner.
And to stay.
And he wants to stay? lt must be some favour he's after.
- l didn't know you had a brother.
- Oh, we're not close.
He lives in Kent.
Which is close enough for my liking.
- Younger or older? - Younger.
About eight years.
- Oh, was he an accident? - Yeah.
More of a mistake, really.
Oh, l see.
- What? - Why you're not close.
For eight years you were the apple of your parents' eye.
The centre of their world.
Then one day you woke up and found that the earth had shifted.
You'd been pushed to the edge, your position usurped by this mewling, puking cuckoo.
You've read the Ladybird book of psychology, have you? lt's great being me.
No.
The reason he irritates me has nothing to do with our parents.
He's inconsiderate, irresponsible.
People seem to find it charming.
Wellrogues are lovable.
Take last night, for instance.
Karen cooks a meal especially, says it's going to be ready at 8:00.
- Where is he at 8:1 5? Still down the pub.
- l like the sound of this guy.
- He and Rachel finally stagger in at 8:20.
- Oh! Wait! What? - ErRachel? - The vegetables were ruined, almost pureed.
- Him and Rachel went to the pub? - l expect she paid.
- She wouldn't take kindly to that.
- Nick has a way with women.
- l don't like the sound of this guy.
- 20 minutes late.
That's just rude.
- Didn't Karen mind? - That's the most infuriating thing.
Aaargh! Sorry.
Argh! Are you expecting someone? Are you? ls it a hot date? You know l said l never wanted to see you again? l brought you these.
l don't like chrysanthemums.
Can l see my son, please? - How's he been? - Off his food.
- Don't you think he senses something? - No.
l bought him Mr Men yoghurts.
Oh, Jen.
You know he likes Thomas the Tank Engine.
Hello, tiger.
Hello.
Hello.
Are you being a good boy for Mummy? l thought you'd be at work.
That's why l've come round.
To tell you l've quit my job.
You what? Wellso l never have to see Amy again.
l thought that's what you wanted.
- How will we pay the bloody mortgage? - We'll manage.
We'll make cutbacks.
We'll make cutbacks? Do you want him to do a paper round? Pay for his own yoghurt? l don't understand.
Why didn'twhy didn't you get a job first? Yeah, well - That might take some time.
- Wellprecisely! l thought you'd be pleased.
l'm sorry.
You're a prat.
This does not make everything all right.
lt makes it worse, Pete.
(Sighs) What am l going to do? - Oh, God.
- lt can't hurt that much.
- How would you know? - l got hit in the balls a lot when l was young.
Well, that's a pubic school education for you.
Oh, God.
Ohh.
Help me to the changing rooms.
- What about our game? - l can't play squash.
Course you can.
Little tap in the gonads.
Here, hit this.
- (Groans) - There you are.
Right as rain.
l can hardly stand! All right, l'll give you three points a game.
- All right.
Five.
And you can serve.
- (Groans) Come on.
We've got the court for an hour.
l can't play with myselfas it were.
l don't know what to do.
l could ask for my job back.
But l'd have to take a pay cut.
Then there's the problem of having Amy around.
l don't care, but Jen would.
- l mean, what do you reckon? - l reckon those two women are eyeing us up.
- 'Ey? - OK, be subtle about this.
Over by the jukebox.
- What, them two? - Subtle, subtle! Jesus, you're out of practice.
Look, l'm not chatting birds up, mate.
You might be happy with present company.
l could do with a change.
- l'm trying to patch things up with my wife.
- Not very successfully.
You don't have to do the chatting up.
Just non-interference and l'll do it.
Come on.
(Low conversation) He's coming over.
Er, were you about to use this? No, we've already picked ours.
Oh, yeah? What have you chosen? l'm Adam.
This is er .
.
Pete.
Hi.
And then And then David writes this long letter home, saying, ''l've found the tuck shop.
l'm in the cricket team.
'' All the usual stuff.
And signs it, ''From your loving son.
'' There's a little PS at the bottom that says, ''Mummy, Daddy, come and get me.
There's buggery at this school.
'' l don't see what's funny.
lt was traumatic.
- Didn't they come and get you? - No, they increased my allowance.
Perhaps they expected to pay the buggers off.
l hated that school.
You were lucky you didn't have to go there.
Mum and Dad couldn't afford it.
David got all the privileges.
While you got away with murder.
(Adam chuckles) This is going very, very well.
(Football on TV) - Oh, no, we don't want that on! l do.
What have them two gone to the toilet together for? l don't know.
Checking on condoms, probably.
What? A couple of top-flight birds we've pulled.
WellSally or whatever her name won't be needing any.
Oh, no.
Safe sex, big fella! - Come on, l'm joking.
l appreciate this.
- Cheers.
Thanks a lot.
We were just admiring your bathroom.
Did you do the tiling yourself? Oh, yeah.
Would you like to see it? Again.
GlRL: Mm.
Ah.
Argh! God.
Sorry.
Was that a bit too hard? No erl'm a little umersensitive.
- About women touching you? - No.
Ooh! Sorry, l, um l'm a bit sore.
l hurt myself today.
- Oh, yeah? What were you doing? - Playing squash, but l got hit in the goolies.
- Let's have a look.
- No! Adam, it's a bit late to be shy now.
Oh, my God.
lt's black! You're right.
lt shouldn't be that colour, should it? Not unless the rest of you is.
lt's a funny shape, as well.
Mm.
lt's a bit swollen.
Do you check yourself? - How do you mean? - For lumps.
My boyfriend always does.
- You've got a boyfriend? - Oh, he's in the army.
He's away.
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
Don't worry, l'm not coming anywhere near that thing.
You want to get it seen to.
(Moans in pain) lt's bruised, isn't it? lt is.
But that's not primarily what concerns me.
lt isn't? Had you felt any discomfort prior to your sports injury? Er, no.
No.
Not really.
No.
You can get dressed now.
l'm referring you to the hospital for an ultrasound.
- Hospital? - You have a swelling.
l'm not surprised.
l had a squash ball in the nuts.
l think the swelling predates that.
l'm not sure, Adam, but l think you may have a tumour.
(Distorted) Do you want a taxi? (Distorted) Do you want a taxi, pal? Taxi? Where to, son? Er, um Oh, home.
Unless you mean my home, you'll have to give me more of a clue than that.
What? Er, Manyon Street, Didsbury.
- Just visiting? - No, l live there.
No, l mean the hospital.
No, l went for a checkup.
l thought it was summat like that.
People often look a bit distracted when they come away from there.
- Everything all right? - Yeah.
Fine.
No, not fine.
They say l've got cancer.
SoDavid's brother.
l don't know But is he anything like David, Rachel? - ln what way? - You know, Financial Times shoved up his arse.
Oh, my God, no! He's completely different.
- For a start, he's eight years younger.
- He's an accident, then? - He votes Labour.
- Bloody hell.
- He's always voted Labour.
- Bloody hell.
And he likes Massive Attack, lrvine Welsh and backpacking.
He's adopted, then.
Last night we went to the theatre.
You whore! Stop it! Suck me.
Suck it! Not really David's taste.
No songs.
God, it was brilliant.
l don't think l drew breath for two hours.
- Weren't you meant to see Adam last night? - Only for a film.
lt's still on next week.
Anyway, we came out of the theatre and we came down this canal, and we stood over there.
l wish l'd visited my brother more often.
Timing might not have been right, then.
ls it now? Our first kiss.
Under that lamppost.
The one with all the dog shit? l don't think that was there this morning.
Mind you, l don't think we'd have noticed even if it was.
Oh, Jen, l'm so sorry.
l'm going on and on about myself, and What about you? How are things? What, you mean my failed marriage? Fine.
Actually, l'm thinking of getting a divorce.
No.
Because Pete had a fling? No.
That were just a symptom.
l think he was unhappy.
l think l was unhappy, actually.
You knowwe didn't plan on this.
l planned on getting old with him.
Stair master.
Walk-in bath.
The lot.
l were looking forward to curvature of the spine.
We were going to be a really good adventure, him and me.
l just l just can't picture it in my mind any more.
Anyway Nothing's permanent.
lt's all right.
And And l've just got to move on.
lt's fine.
- Are you sure it's cancer? - Me? l haven't got a clue.
But they gave me this ultrasound thing, you know.
l don't know.
lt shows the echo or something.
They reckon there's a 95% chance l've got a malignant tumour.
Well, there's a 5% chance that you haven't.
l think they call that clutching at straws.
- Either way, l've got to have a bollock off.
- Bloody hell.
Which one? - Does it matter? - lt does if you want kids, yeah.
Sons come from the right bollock - well, that's according to my nan.
- Qualified, was she? - She had 1 5 kids.
They said if l was unhappy about having only meat and one veg, that they could give me a new one.
lt wouldn't be real, though.
- A rubber ball? - No.
Silicone.
Like a breast implant.
Except smaller.
l said no.
lf l'm going to be flying somewhere, l want to be worried about crashing, not if my nuts are gonna explode.
That's if l get to fly anywhere again.
Are you er Are you worried about dying? God, almighty.
We must have been talking a while.
- Call it £50, yeah? - Put your money away, son.
This one's on me.
- But your time.
You could have been working.
- Forget about it.
All right, then.
Have a drink, yeah? OK.
l'll drink to your health.
Are you still determined not to tell your mates about it? l don't know if l could cope with their sympathy.
- Anyway, all the best, Adam.
Good luck, son.
- Thanks, Phil.
Oi, oi! l'll have his cab! - Harper Lane, mate.
- What's happened? Jenny.
She wants a divorce.
Oi, and put the meter on.
l know what crooks you cabbies are.
Go on.
Chop, chop.
MOZART: Così Fan Tutte (Soave Sia ll Vento) Hi.
ls Karen around? No.
She's giving Josh his bath.
ls that whisky you're drinking? Help yourself, if you want one.
No, no, no.
All right, then.
l was wondering if l could have a word? Four days.
l wondered how long it would take.
l need to borrow some money.
Oh.
Why don't you ask Father? lt's to pay him back.
Oi.
Oi.
What's all this? - The rest of your stuff.
- Can l borrow this? - l'm not taking it.
- All right, l'll leave it out for the bin men.
- No, you will not! - Eryeah! l will.
Er, could you two ercalm down a wee bit? - l'm perfectly calm.
- Yes.
Me, too.
Right.
l want everything of yours out of this house, right? - What about the rest of the stuff? - lt's ours.
- Well, l want half! - Fine.
Get a lawyer.
You'll get it in the divorce.
- You're not getting a divorce.
- Look.
Well, if l'm taking this stuff.
Erm - Yeah.
l'll take this, too! - We got that on holiday.
- l bought it! - lt's heinous! - That's not the point.
- lt's the principle.
- For God's sake, will you look at yourselves? - She started it.
You had an affair.
You wanted to have an affair with my best friend.
- Will you stop it? - And you said you didn't love me.
And l suppose you shagging Amy makes you lovable, does it? - Please.
Stop it.
- l'll shag her again if it makes you happy! For God's sake, l can't take any more of this! Stop it! - l loved that fish.
- You have no idea what problems are! Oh, and l suppose you have? ''Which girl am l gonna shag tonight?'' - l've got cancer.
- (Laughs) Good one.
- What? - Yeah, that shut you up, didn't it? No, l do.
About 95% sure.
l was not going to tell you.
Do not tell anyone else.
l'm telling you because you have a relationship, and a home, andyour Adam.
Don't chuck all that away.
Cancer? What kind of cancer, Adam? That was one of the reasons l wasn't going to tell you.
£5,000! He asked them for £5,000 and they just gave it to him.
Just like that.
- They wouldn't give me £5,000.
- You don't need it, do you? Nick's always been spoilt, you know.
Always had whatever he wanted.
A new bike.
Second-hand car.
Whereas l had to work for things.
l did a paper round when l was 1 1 .
l can't imagine you cycling round delivering newspapers.
l didn't.
My mother gave me a lift.
- The roads are really dangerous.
(Distant door opens) The point is, l never had anything just handed to me.
My father made it plain l never would.
DAVlD: l still remember his speech before my mother took me to school.
David, it's time for you to leave the family home and set off to school.
Marvellous opportunity, so make the best of it.
Well Good luck.
KAREN: He shook your hand? lt was the closest he came to physical intimacy - with me at any rate.
He always hugged Nick.
Which is why it's so unfair! l mean, what has Nick ever done? Hm? Whereas l Well, l've made something of myself.
A management consultant.
A top management consultant.
- £5,000 blown on some lnternet company.
- l thought lnternet companies did rather well.
Not this one.
lt's gone belly-up, taking my parents' money with it.
And now he wants me to bail him out so they need never know.
- So what have you told him? - l told him l'd think about it.
Well, that was big of you.
There's no way l'm going to help him.
Let him stew on it for a couple of days.
Good night.
Right.
l shall be making an incision about four inches long in your groin, then removing the testicle and the spermatic cords.
You'll be under general anaesthetic, which should start to kick inany time now.
Rachel! Rachel! Rachel.
- Rachel.
- Adam! Rachel.
Look, l don't have much time.
- You're wearing underpants.
- l know.
Now, listen.
Why are you wearing underpants? Well, because if l wasn't l'd be naked.
- Do they look lopsided? - Are you dressing to the left? That's not important now.
Look, this is important.
l've almost left it too late to tell you, but you are the love of my life.
l've never loved a woman like l loved you.
Like l love you.
Oooh! Oooh! - (Squeals) - Oh, my God.
Adam! Argh! Adam, get out of the way! Mama.
Mama.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh! Argh! Argh! Ah.
You've come round.
That seemed to go off very well.
lt was a success? Too early to say, l'm afraid, until we have the results back from the lab.
Should he be here? Not unless he's done six years' medical training, no.
l'm hallucinating, right? For your sake, l certainly hope so.
Mm.
RACHEL: Thanks.
l'll just wait here in case he wakes up.
NURSE: That's fine.
- ls that all right? Thank you.
- You weren't crushed by a giant testicle, then? - God, you made me jump.
l'm hallucinating, you know.
Well, l suppose that will be the anaesthetic.
- What are you seeing? - Mm.
You.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What am l doing? - You're sitting beside my bed, talking to me.
How do you know it's a hallucination and not real life? You mean, like what's the sound of one hand clapping? Well, Pete and Jen are the only people l told.
And l told them not to tell anyone.
Quid pro quo, in the real world, you don't know.
Unless they thought that, with something so important, they should break their promise.
Tell the people closest to you.
Maybe.
But if that's the case, what's that giant rabbit doing there? Collecting for medical school rag week.
They told you.
Oh, Rach.
You're the last person l wanted to know.
Apart from David and Karen.
DAVlD: There he is! - Ha, ha.
- Hey! Sorry.
Great.
Adam.
l've got that book you had your eye on.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
We found it when Pete was he was unpacking his stuff, actually.
- Weren't you? - Mm.
- We're giving it a go.
- Yeah, you know.
God, it's just a start.
- Yeah.
- Well, that's good.
OK.
Sure.
Sure.
l want a chocolate, please.
Come on.
Up you pop.
Here you go.
Open up.
Ohh! Ho-ho-ho! Can you just keep a wee bit away from thebig fella? - Come on, Josh.
Off the bed.
Off the bed.
- Off, Josh.
- How are you feeling? - Well, eryou know, l'm not feeling myself.
Until the scars have healed, it's not advisable.
Listen Oh, come on.
Look, you lot.
l meanwe all know what l came in here with.
And what l'm leaving without.
God.
You don't want to be embarrassed.
Because l'm half the man l used to be? - Oh, Adam, don't think about it like that.
- No, it doesn't make any difference at all.
Does it? lt will if l need chemotherapy.
There's loads of famous people have only got the one nad.
- Oh, do you mean apart from Hitler? - Well, Hitler was the most famous.
Erm But to be honest, l think, you know, people made that up just to ridicule him.
- Terrific.
Thanks.
- Bruce Lee only had one.
- What? - l think l might have just made that up.
Mind you, he led a full and active life.
There you go.
Till his death at the age of 32.
Yeah, but he didn't have cancer.
ADAM: Great.
Um God, guys.
l really appreciate you coming.
Thanks.
But l'd like you to go now.
Yeah.
Right.
We'll come in tomorrow, yeah? (Moans) Maybe the day after.
Great.
- OK.
- Remember you're a Womble.
Yeah.
Bye, you.
Bye.
God.
Ugh! Oh, Pete! Oh, Jesus.
Eurgh.
- l'll get this.
- Pete, l've had a bollock off, not a hernia.
All right, then.
Go on.
Ohh! Er actually, that is a wee bit heavy, isn't it? - Ah, Florence Nightingale.
- Jen.
Hello.
Rachel will be your nurse.
- Will she, now? - Yeah.
No-one else wanted to do it.
Hello.
How are you feeling? l'm not feeling myself.
- But l've done that already, haven't l? - Yeah.
l'm going to be staying for a couple of days - if you want me around.
Yeah, that's good.
l need a hand getting in and out of the bath.
l'm joking.
You've been changing Pete's sheets? Actually, l thought l'd burn them.
(Mobile rings) Hello.
Amy.
l told you not to call me.
Yeah.
Look, we do not meet, we do not speak.
ln fact wedo not exist.
Right? l was wondering if you'd had a chance to think things over? Sorry.
What things were those? Some other time.
- Oh, the loan? - Really, itit doesn't matter.
- What, you don't want a loan? - No.
No, l mean we can talk about it some other time.
Was it a loan you were after or just a hand-out? Cos l don't think we discussed rates of interest.
- You'd want interest? - Well, didn't Father? No.
No, l don't suppose he would.
You see, l've got to think of the long term, Nicholas.
There's Josh's education to be taken care of.
l wouldn't be looking after him if l didn't make the most of our investments.
Nol suppose you wouldn't.
l guess l could give you some interest.
lf it was over a long-enough period.
l want to help you, Nicholas.
Great.
Which is why l've decided not to lend you the money.
Excuse me? lt's time you stood on your own two feet, Nicholas.
That you lived up to your responsibilities.
You cannot go through life depending on others to bail you out.
lt will be a salutary lesson for you to own up to Father that you let him down.
And you may not thank me immediately, but in the long run you'll see l'm doing you a favour.
You insufferable shit.
You pompous, patronising prick.
l did say that it would be in the long run.
''Teredo''? What's that? Eight points.
Oh, no.
Double word score.
Sixteen.
No.
What's a ''teredo''? Ah, OK.
ls it: A: A piece of music which sounds the same when played backwards? B: A doughy bread baked by the tribes people of Papua New Guinea? Or C: A marine mollusc that bores into and destroys submerged timber? Or D: None of the above? Ah, well.
Rachel, what is it? C.
ls the correct answer, which gives you one point, which means you're just the oh, 57 points behind! This is the last time l play Scrabble with you.
That's what you said the last time that we played Scrabble.
That was a while ago.
Mm.
The rules were different then.
Our lives were different then.
l know.
You know, um it wasn't that long ago that l .
.
wondered if maybe we couldn't get back together.
Maybe we could.
What, because l've got cancer? No.
l think we missed our moment.
Timing, eh? Yeah.
Well.
We didn't remove your testicle needlessly.
- That's good news.
- Because the tumour was malignant.
That's not good news.
Now, your body scan and blood tests show that the cancer hasn't spread.
lt was local to your testicle.
Which is no longer local to me.
Just to be on the safe side, to ensure that any residual cells are killed off, l recommend you have some radiotherapy.
Do you know what that entails? Er Vomiting? More hair falling out? You're thinking of chemotherapy.
No, you'll keep your own hair.
Though you might find it affects your fertility.
You may want to bank some of your sperm in advance.
No, no.
l don't think so.
No.
Well, in case you ever want children.
Yeah, but you have to be with someone that you really want to have children with.
Anyway, besides, standing behind a screen, armed with a test tube.
l don't think so.
Um They provide magazines.
Oh, yeah? lt's not really my idea of fatherhood, actually.
Nice offer, though.
David, do you remember when we tried for a second child and we stopped cos money was short? Yeah.
lt's not short now, is it? What, you think it's time we tried for another? lt would be nice for Josh to have a younger brother or sister.
Well, yeah, it wouldif they got on.
To a large degree that would be up to Josh, wouldn't it? Being the eldest.
lt is Josh we're talking about, is it? l think you should give your brother that money.
Why? Because otherwise he'll disappoint your parents.
Good.
David.
That's not who you are.
You're not a bitter person.
You're kind and loving.
Absolute crap at showing it but that is what you are.
l completely understand you wanting Nick to lose face, but who are you really hurting? Your parents, much more than Nick.
They're old.
They haven't got much time left.
Do you really want to do that to them? You really are the most wonderful woman.
Can we have a word, please? Do you want to come in? No.
l've got a fair old way to go.
l'm calling at my parents' before heading home.
- So.
Er - Yeah.
Look, l'd really like to see you again.
We've started something that it'd be a pity not to take further.
Nick, you live in Kent.
For now.
l could live in Manchester.
(Front door slams) Huh! l've just had a row with this woman, because l parked in a space reserved for shopping families.
Just cos l haven't got a family with me, doesn't mean l'm not shopping for 'em! - Pete, sit down.
- What? Sit down.
Go on.
- Please.
- (Sighs) - Have you seen Amy lately? - No.
- Have you had any contact with her? - No.
lf we're to have any future together, you're not to lie.
All right.
She keeps phoning up, right? But l put the phone straight down.
What am l supposed do? She came round this afternoon.
Right.
Adam was right.
She is a nutter.
- What are you doing? - Phoningthe police.
- Pete, put the phone down.
- l'm reporting her for harassment.
Pete, put the phone down.
Now, listen.
We had a chat, right? She's sorry.
She's She were desperate or summat when Adam dumped her.
She wished it had never happened.
Whatever.
l don't really care.
l don't like her.
The reason she's trying to get hold of you is cos .
.
there's a job going at your old firm.
Right? l don't understand.
l thought you never wanted us to see each other again.
You wouldn't.
lt's her job.
She's been transferred.
Bristol.
- You're joking? - No.
What, really? Welll don't believe it.
What? My house? My family? My job back? God, l never thought l'd get that.
Two out of three ain't bad, eh? - Excuse me! You could knock.
- You could lock the door.
l've been thinking.
This timing thing, it's bullshit.
You make your own timing.
You miss the moment if you don't seize it cos you're afraid of what might happen.
A life lived in fear is a life unlived.
Come on, Adam.
Admit it.
What we had together, it's still there.
Let's just stop pretending that it isn't.
What about David's brother? - l'd rather play Scrabble with you.
- You'd lose.
l don't care if you're going to die on me.
And l don't care if we can't have children together.
l just want to be together.
Get in the bath.
What? lf you're serious, get in the bath.
l've got all my clothes on.
Hey, lady.
l stood on a street naked with a rose up my arse for you.
This is nothing.
Hello.
Are you going to kiss me? l'm glad l changed my mind and opened an account at the sperm bank.
RACHEL: That is 32 points to me! No, there's no such word as ''snark''.
- lf you had a bigger dictionary - You know the rules.
One article of clothing.
This is the last time l play Scrabble with you.
Jen? Jen? Oh.
You.
And a top of the morning to you, you whore.
Tea.
l hope you haven't used up all the hot water.
Ah.
Right.
'Ey! Oi! (Doorbell) Ramona! (Doorbell) - Sorry.
- (Sighs) Yes? Hi.
l'm Nick.
- Yeah? - David's brother.
- David who lives here? - Unless there's another? - No, it's just l didn't know he had a brother.
- He talks about me a lot, does he? - As much as the rest of his family.
- That sounds like David.
So, can l come in? Well, there's nobody here at the moment.
- You are.
- Yes, but l'm leaving.
Fair enough.
lt's the risk of arriving unannounced.
l'll wait in a bus shelter until they get back from work.
No.
No.
l'll ring him.
Good idea.
You don't know his office number, do you? l'll phone Karen.
Jen, it would easier to talk this through if he was still living here.
Not interested.
l'd rather eat dog dirt.
He's stopped seeing her.
- They work together.
- Yeah, but Forget it, Adam, please.
Just forget it.
Oi! Oi! Where are you going with that? - Adam's.
- No, you're not.
- What, you mean l can stay? - l mean you're not taking that suitcase.
We bought it together.
My half stays here.
What am l supposed to cart my gear around in? Plastic bags are under the sink.
You can have five.
Are you not maybe being a wee bit hard on him? - Do you think so? - Yes.
All right.
You can have six.
Nick.
What are you doing in Manchester? Just passing through, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
l know.
Thought l'd pop by and say hi, but l'm having a problem with your welcoming committee.
- Rachel? - ls that her name? She didn't want to tell me.
Seems to think l might be a bit of a con man.
Yeah, well, she's always been what you might call perceptive.
What do l think of her? She seems very nice.
Attractive.
A bit prickly, but l'm sure that's just on the surface.
ls she seeing anyone? Nick.
Really? Nicholas, let me talk to her.
She wants to talk to you now.
l don't believe you told him l'm not seeing anyone.
Rachel, l didn't.
Oh.
Listen, can you lend him your keys and tell him to make himself at home? l'm late for a meeting.
Yeah, l will do.
l'll see you tonight.
Bye.
Well, you passed.
Come in.
Shall l dump my stuff in the spare room? l'm staying in the spare room.
l figured you were .
.
Rachel.
Right, well er Come in.
Um Make yourself at home.
- See you later.
- l hope so.
Bye.
Great, then, Jen.
So that's your marriage over, huh? Listen, l gave him a chance and he didn't stop seeing her.
He didn't know you were giving him a chance.
l gave him the ultimatum.
lt was me he gave his word to.
ln a sense you could argue it was me he betrayed.
l could've put that better.
Just don't kick him out.
For no other reason than l don't want to live with him when he's miserable.
He eats all my food.
My heart bleeds.
Right, l'll be off, then.
Got everything? Have you got a picture of your own son? You got that? Ah.
Ah.
No.
God help whoever has to look after you now.
Please, Jen.
There you go.
You can have that one.
lt's an old one.
We're smiling.
Well, l would ask you to stay.
But there again See you.
(Door slams) (Softly) Bye.
(Tearfully) See See you.
See you.
Nicholas? - What does he want? - David, why does he have to want anything? He just thought it would be nice to see us.
- Oh, yeah.
So where is he, then? - He's at the pub with Rachel.
- That's his idea of seeing us, is it? - You were at the office.
You'll see him at dinner.
- So he's invited himself to dinner? - l invited him for dinner.
And to stay.
And he wants to stay? lt must be some favour he's after.
- l didn't know you had a brother.
- Oh, we're not close.
He lives in Kent.
Which is close enough for my liking.
- Younger or older? - Younger.
About eight years.
- Oh, was he an accident? - Yeah.
More of a mistake, really.
Oh, l see.
- What? - Why you're not close.
For eight years you were the apple of your parents' eye.
The centre of their world.
Then one day you woke up and found that the earth had shifted.
You'd been pushed to the edge, your position usurped by this mewling, puking cuckoo.
You've read the Ladybird book of psychology, have you? lt's great being me.
No.
The reason he irritates me has nothing to do with our parents.
He's inconsiderate, irresponsible.
People seem to find it charming.
Wellrogues are lovable.
Take last night, for instance.
Karen cooks a meal especially, says it's going to be ready at 8:00.
- Where is he at 8:1 5? Still down the pub.
- l like the sound of this guy.
- He and Rachel finally stagger in at 8:20.
- Oh! Wait! What? - ErRachel? - The vegetables were ruined, almost pureed.
- Him and Rachel went to the pub? - l expect she paid.
- She wouldn't take kindly to that.
- Nick has a way with women.
- l don't like the sound of this guy.
- 20 minutes late.
That's just rude.
- Didn't Karen mind? - That's the most infuriating thing.
Aaargh! Sorry.
Argh! Are you expecting someone? Are you? ls it a hot date? You know l said l never wanted to see you again? l brought you these.
l don't like chrysanthemums.
Can l see my son, please? - How's he been? - Off his food.
- Don't you think he senses something? - No.
l bought him Mr Men yoghurts.
Oh, Jen.
You know he likes Thomas the Tank Engine.
Hello, tiger.
Hello.
Hello.
Are you being a good boy for Mummy? l thought you'd be at work.
That's why l've come round.
To tell you l've quit my job.
You what? Wellso l never have to see Amy again.
l thought that's what you wanted.
- How will we pay the bloody mortgage? - We'll manage.
We'll make cutbacks.
We'll make cutbacks? Do you want him to do a paper round? Pay for his own yoghurt? l don't understand.
Why didn'twhy didn't you get a job first? Yeah, well - That might take some time.
- Wellprecisely! l thought you'd be pleased.
l'm sorry.
You're a prat.
This does not make everything all right.
lt makes it worse, Pete.
(Sighs) What am l going to do? - Oh, God.
- lt can't hurt that much.
- How would you know? - l got hit in the balls a lot when l was young.
Well, that's a pubic school education for you.
Oh, God.
Ohh.
Help me to the changing rooms.
- What about our game? - l can't play squash.
Course you can.
Little tap in the gonads.
Here, hit this.
- (Groans) - There you are.
Right as rain.
l can hardly stand! All right, l'll give you three points a game.
- All right.
Five.
And you can serve.
- (Groans) Come on.
We've got the court for an hour.
l can't play with myselfas it were.
l don't know what to do.
l could ask for my job back.
But l'd have to take a pay cut.
Then there's the problem of having Amy around.
l don't care, but Jen would.
- l mean, what do you reckon? - l reckon those two women are eyeing us up.
- 'Ey? - OK, be subtle about this.
Over by the jukebox.
- What, them two? - Subtle, subtle! Jesus, you're out of practice.
Look, l'm not chatting birds up, mate.
You might be happy with present company.
l could do with a change.
- l'm trying to patch things up with my wife.
- Not very successfully.
You don't have to do the chatting up.
Just non-interference and l'll do it.
Come on.
(Low conversation) He's coming over.
Er, were you about to use this? No, we've already picked ours.
Oh, yeah? What have you chosen? l'm Adam.
This is er .
.
Pete.
Hi.
And then And then David writes this long letter home, saying, ''l've found the tuck shop.
l'm in the cricket team.
'' All the usual stuff.
And signs it, ''From your loving son.
'' There's a little PS at the bottom that says, ''Mummy, Daddy, come and get me.
There's buggery at this school.
'' l don't see what's funny.
lt was traumatic.
- Didn't they come and get you? - No, they increased my allowance.
Perhaps they expected to pay the buggers off.
l hated that school.
You were lucky you didn't have to go there.
Mum and Dad couldn't afford it.
David got all the privileges.
While you got away with murder.
(Adam chuckles) This is going very, very well.
(Football on TV) - Oh, no, we don't want that on! l do.
What have them two gone to the toilet together for? l don't know.
Checking on condoms, probably.
What? A couple of top-flight birds we've pulled.
WellSally or whatever her name won't be needing any.
Oh, no.
Safe sex, big fella! - Come on, l'm joking.
l appreciate this.
- Cheers.
Thanks a lot.
We were just admiring your bathroom.
Did you do the tiling yourself? Oh, yeah.
Would you like to see it? Again.
GlRL: Mm.
Ah.
Argh! God.
Sorry.
Was that a bit too hard? No erl'm a little umersensitive.
- About women touching you? - No.
Ooh! Sorry, l, um l'm a bit sore.
l hurt myself today.
- Oh, yeah? What were you doing? - Playing squash, but l got hit in the goolies.
- Let's have a look.
- No! Adam, it's a bit late to be shy now.
Oh, my God.
lt's black! You're right.
lt shouldn't be that colour, should it? Not unless the rest of you is.
lt's a funny shape, as well.
Mm.
lt's a bit swollen.
Do you check yourself? - How do you mean? - For lumps.
My boyfriend always does.
- You've got a boyfriend? - Oh, he's in the army.
He's away.
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
Don't worry, l'm not coming anywhere near that thing.
You want to get it seen to.
(Moans in pain) lt's bruised, isn't it? lt is.
But that's not primarily what concerns me.
lt isn't? Had you felt any discomfort prior to your sports injury? Er, no.
No.
Not really.
No.
You can get dressed now.
l'm referring you to the hospital for an ultrasound.
- Hospital? - You have a swelling.
l'm not surprised.
l had a squash ball in the nuts.
l think the swelling predates that.
l'm not sure, Adam, but l think you may have a tumour.
(Distorted) Do you want a taxi? (Distorted) Do you want a taxi, pal? Taxi? Where to, son? Er, um Oh, home.
Unless you mean my home, you'll have to give me more of a clue than that.
What? Er, Manyon Street, Didsbury.
- Just visiting? - No, l live there.
No, l mean the hospital.
No, l went for a checkup.
l thought it was summat like that.
People often look a bit distracted when they come away from there.
- Everything all right? - Yeah.
Fine.
No, not fine.
They say l've got cancer.
SoDavid's brother.
l don't know But is he anything like David, Rachel? - ln what way? - You know, Financial Times shoved up his arse.
Oh, my God, no! He's completely different.
- For a start, he's eight years younger.
- He's an accident, then? - He votes Labour.
- Bloody hell.
- He's always voted Labour.
- Bloody hell.
And he likes Massive Attack, lrvine Welsh and backpacking.
He's adopted, then.
Last night we went to the theatre.
You whore! Stop it! Suck me.
Suck it! Not really David's taste.
No songs.
God, it was brilliant.
l don't think l drew breath for two hours.
- Weren't you meant to see Adam last night? - Only for a film.
lt's still on next week.
Anyway, we came out of the theatre and we came down this canal, and we stood over there.
l wish l'd visited my brother more often.
Timing might not have been right, then.
ls it now? Our first kiss.
Under that lamppost.
The one with all the dog shit? l don't think that was there this morning.
Mind you, l don't think we'd have noticed even if it was.
Oh, Jen, l'm so sorry.
l'm going on and on about myself, and What about you? How are things? What, you mean my failed marriage? Fine.
Actually, l'm thinking of getting a divorce.
No.
Because Pete had a fling? No.
That were just a symptom.
l think he was unhappy.
l think l was unhappy, actually.
You knowwe didn't plan on this.
l planned on getting old with him.
Stair master.
Walk-in bath.
The lot.
l were looking forward to curvature of the spine.
We were going to be a really good adventure, him and me.
l just l just can't picture it in my mind any more.
Anyway Nothing's permanent.
lt's all right.
And And l've just got to move on.
lt's fine.
- Are you sure it's cancer? - Me? l haven't got a clue.
But they gave me this ultrasound thing, you know.
l don't know.
lt shows the echo or something.
They reckon there's a 95% chance l've got a malignant tumour.
Well, there's a 5% chance that you haven't.
l think they call that clutching at straws.
- Either way, l've got to have a bollock off.
- Bloody hell.
Which one? - Does it matter? - lt does if you want kids, yeah.
Sons come from the right bollock - well, that's according to my nan.
- Qualified, was she? - She had 1 5 kids.
They said if l was unhappy about having only meat and one veg, that they could give me a new one.
lt wouldn't be real, though.
- A rubber ball? - No.
Silicone.
Like a breast implant.
Except smaller.
l said no.
lf l'm going to be flying somewhere, l want to be worried about crashing, not if my nuts are gonna explode.
That's if l get to fly anywhere again.
Are you er Are you worried about dying? God, almighty.
We must have been talking a while.
- Call it £50, yeah? - Put your money away, son.
This one's on me.
- But your time.
You could have been working.
- Forget about it.
All right, then.
Have a drink, yeah? OK.
l'll drink to your health.
Are you still determined not to tell your mates about it? l don't know if l could cope with their sympathy.
- Anyway, all the best, Adam.
Good luck, son.
- Thanks, Phil.
Oi, oi! l'll have his cab! - Harper Lane, mate.
- What's happened? Jenny.
She wants a divorce.
Oi, and put the meter on.
l know what crooks you cabbies are.
Go on.
Chop, chop.
MOZART: Così Fan Tutte (Soave Sia ll Vento) Hi.
ls Karen around? No.
She's giving Josh his bath.
ls that whisky you're drinking? Help yourself, if you want one.
No, no, no.
All right, then.
l was wondering if l could have a word? Four days.
l wondered how long it would take.
l need to borrow some money.
Oh.
Why don't you ask Father? lt's to pay him back.
Oi.
Oi.
What's all this? - The rest of your stuff.
- Can l borrow this? - l'm not taking it.
- All right, l'll leave it out for the bin men.
- No, you will not! - Eryeah! l will.
Er, could you two ercalm down a wee bit? - l'm perfectly calm.
- Yes.
Me, too.
Right.
l want everything of yours out of this house, right? - What about the rest of the stuff? - lt's ours.
- Well, l want half! - Fine.
Get a lawyer.
You'll get it in the divorce.
- You're not getting a divorce.
- Look.
Well, if l'm taking this stuff.
Erm - Yeah.
l'll take this, too! - We got that on holiday.
- l bought it! - lt's heinous! - That's not the point.
- lt's the principle.
- For God's sake, will you look at yourselves? - She started it.
You had an affair.
You wanted to have an affair with my best friend.
- Will you stop it? - And you said you didn't love me.
And l suppose you shagging Amy makes you lovable, does it? - Please.
Stop it.
- l'll shag her again if it makes you happy! For God's sake, l can't take any more of this! Stop it! - l loved that fish.
- You have no idea what problems are! Oh, and l suppose you have? ''Which girl am l gonna shag tonight?'' - l've got cancer.
- (Laughs) Good one.
- What? - Yeah, that shut you up, didn't it? No, l do.
About 95% sure.
l was not going to tell you.
Do not tell anyone else.
l'm telling you because you have a relationship, and a home, andyour Adam.
Don't chuck all that away.
Cancer? What kind of cancer, Adam? That was one of the reasons l wasn't going to tell you.
£5,000! He asked them for £5,000 and they just gave it to him.
Just like that.
- They wouldn't give me £5,000.
- You don't need it, do you? Nick's always been spoilt, you know.
Always had whatever he wanted.
A new bike.
Second-hand car.
Whereas l had to work for things.
l did a paper round when l was 1 1 .
l can't imagine you cycling round delivering newspapers.
l didn't.
My mother gave me a lift.
- The roads are really dangerous.
(Distant door opens) The point is, l never had anything just handed to me.
My father made it plain l never would.
DAVlD: l still remember his speech before my mother took me to school.
David, it's time for you to leave the family home and set off to school.
Marvellous opportunity, so make the best of it.
Well Good luck.
KAREN: He shook your hand? lt was the closest he came to physical intimacy - with me at any rate.
He always hugged Nick.
Which is why it's so unfair! l mean, what has Nick ever done? Hm? Whereas l Well, l've made something of myself.
A management consultant.
A top management consultant.
- £5,000 blown on some lnternet company.
- l thought lnternet companies did rather well.
Not this one.
lt's gone belly-up, taking my parents' money with it.
And now he wants me to bail him out so they need never know.
- So what have you told him? - l told him l'd think about it.
Well, that was big of you.
There's no way l'm going to help him.
Let him stew on it for a couple of days.
Good night.
Right.
l shall be making an incision about four inches long in your groin, then removing the testicle and the spermatic cords.
You'll be under general anaesthetic, which should start to kick inany time now.
Rachel! Rachel! Rachel.
- Rachel.
- Adam! Rachel.
Look, l don't have much time.
- You're wearing underpants.
- l know.
Now, listen.
Why are you wearing underpants? Well, because if l wasn't l'd be naked.
- Do they look lopsided? - Are you dressing to the left? That's not important now.
Look, this is important.
l've almost left it too late to tell you, but you are the love of my life.
l've never loved a woman like l loved you.
Like l love you.
Oooh! Oooh! - (Squeals) - Oh, my God.
Adam! Argh! Adam, get out of the way! Mama.
Mama.
Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh! Argh! Argh! Ah.
You've come round.
That seemed to go off very well.
lt was a success? Too early to say, l'm afraid, until we have the results back from the lab.
Should he be here? Not unless he's done six years' medical training, no.
l'm hallucinating, right? For your sake, l certainly hope so.
Mm.
RACHEL: Thanks.
l'll just wait here in case he wakes up.
NURSE: That's fine.
- ls that all right? Thank you.
- You weren't crushed by a giant testicle, then? - God, you made me jump.
l'm hallucinating, you know.
Well, l suppose that will be the anaesthetic.
- What are you seeing? - Mm.
You.
- Really? - Yeah.
- What am l doing? - You're sitting beside my bed, talking to me.
How do you know it's a hallucination and not real life? You mean, like what's the sound of one hand clapping? Well, Pete and Jen are the only people l told.
And l told them not to tell anyone.
Quid pro quo, in the real world, you don't know.
Unless they thought that, with something so important, they should break their promise.
Tell the people closest to you.
Maybe.
But if that's the case, what's that giant rabbit doing there? Collecting for medical school rag week.
They told you.
Oh, Rach.
You're the last person l wanted to know.
Apart from David and Karen.
DAVlD: There he is! - Ha, ha.
- Hey! Sorry.
Great.
Adam.
l've got that book you had your eye on.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
We found it when Pete was he was unpacking his stuff, actually.
- Weren't you? - Mm.
- We're giving it a go.
- Yeah, you know.
God, it's just a start.
- Yeah.
- Well, that's good.
OK.
Sure.
Sure.
l want a chocolate, please.
Come on.
Up you pop.
Here you go.
Open up.
Ohh! Ho-ho-ho! Can you just keep a wee bit away from thebig fella? - Come on, Josh.
Off the bed.
Off the bed.
- Off, Josh.
- How are you feeling? - Well, eryou know, l'm not feeling myself.
Until the scars have healed, it's not advisable.
Listen Oh, come on.
Look, you lot.
l meanwe all know what l came in here with.
And what l'm leaving without.
God.
You don't want to be embarrassed.
Because l'm half the man l used to be? - Oh, Adam, don't think about it like that.
- No, it doesn't make any difference at all.
Does it? lt will if l need chemotherapy.
There's loads of famous people have only got the one nad.
- Oh, do you mean apart from Hitler? - Well, Hitler was the most famous.
Erm But to be honest, l think, you know, people made that up just to ridicule him.
- Terrific.
Thanks.
- Bruce Lee only had one.
- What? - l think l might have just made that up.
Mind you, he led a full and active life.
There you go.
Till his death at the age of 32.
Yeah, but he didn't have cancer.
ADAM: Great.
Um God, guys.
l really appreciate you coming.
Thanks.
But l'd like you to go now.
Yeah.
Right.
We'll come in tomorrow, yeah? (Moans) Maybe the day after.
Great.
- OK.
- Remember you're a Womble.
Yeah.
Bye, you.
Bye.
God.
Ugh! Oh, Pete! Oh, Jesus.
Eurgh.
- l'll get this.
- Pete, l've had a bollock off, not a hernia.
All right, then.
Go on.
Ohh! Er actually, that is a wee bit heavy, isn't it? - Ah, Florence Nightingale.
- Jen.
Hello.
Rachel will be your nurse.
- Will she, now? - Yeah.
No-one else wanted to do it.
Hello.
How are you feeling? l'm not feeling myself.
- But l've done that already, haven't l? - Yeah.
l'm going to be staying for a couple of days - if you want me around.
Yeah, that's good.
l need a hand getting in and out of the bath.
l'm joking.
You've been changing Pete's sheets? Actually, l thought l'd burn them.
(Mobile rings) Hello.
Amy.
l told you not to call me.
Yeah.
Look, we do not meet, we do not speak.
ln fact wedo not exist.
Right? l was wondering if you'd had a chance to think things over? Sorry.
What things were those? Some other time.
- Oh, the loan? - Really, itit doesn't matter.
- What, you don't want a loan? - No.
No, l mean we can talk about it some other time.
Was it a loan you were after or just a hand-out? Cos l don't think we discussed rates of interest.
- You'd want interest? - Well, didn't Father? No.
No, l don't suppose he would.
You see, l've got to think of the long term, Nicholas.
There's Josh's education to be taken care of.
l wouldn't be looking after him if l didn't make the most of our investments.
Nol suppose you wouldn't.
l guess l could give you some interest.
lf it was over a long-enough period.
l want to help you, Nicholas.
Great.
Which is why l've decided not to lend you the money.
Excuse me? lt's time you stood on your own two feet, Nicholas.
That you lived up to your responsibilities.
You cannot go through life depending on others to bail you out.
lt will be a salutary lesson for you to own up to Father that you let him down.
And you may not thank me immediately, but in the long run you'll see l'm doing you a favour.
You insufferable shit.
You pompous, patronising prick.
l did say that it would be in the long run.
''Teredo''? What's that? Eight points.
Oh, no.
Double word score.
Sixteen.
No.
What's a ''teredo''? Ah, OK.
ls it: A: A piece of music which sounds the same when played backwards? B: A doughy bread baked by the tribes people of Papua New Guinea? Or C: A marine mollusc that bores into and destroys submerged timber? Or D: None of the above? Ah, well.
Rachel, what is it? C.
ls the correct answer, which gives you one point, which means you're just the oh, 57 points behind! This is the last time l play Scrabble with you.
That's what you said the last time that we played Scrabble.
That was a while ago.
Mm.
The rules were different then.
Our lives were different then.
l know.
You know, um it wasn't that long ago that l .
.
wondered if maybe we couldn't get back together.
Maybe we could.
What, because l've got cancer? No.
l think we missed our moment.
Timing, eh? Yeah.
Well.
We didn't remove your testicle needlessly.
- That's good news.
- Because the tumour was malignant.
That's not good news.
Now, your body scan and blood tests show that the cancer hasn't spread.
lt was local to your testicle.
Which is no longer local to me.
Just to be on the safe side, to ensure that any residual cells are killed off, l recommend you have some radiotherapy.
Do you know what that entails? Er Vomiting? More hair falling out? You're thinking of chemotherapy.
No, you'll keep your own hair.
Though you might find it affects your fertility.
You may want to bank some of your sperm in advance.
No, no.
l don't think so.
No.
Well, in case you ever want children.
Yeah, but you have to be with someone that you really want to have children with.
Anyway, besides, standing behind a screen, armed with a test tube.
l don't think so.
Um They provide magazines.
Oh, yeah? lt's not really my idea of fatherhood, actually.
Nice offer, though.
David, do you remember when we tried for a second child and we stopped cos money was short? Yeah.
lt's not short now, is it? What, you think it's time we tried for another? lt would be nice for Josh to have a younger brother or sister.
Well, yeah, it wouldif they got on.
To a large degree that would be up to Josh, wouldn't it? Being the eldest.
lt is Josh we're talking about, is it? l think you should give your brother that money.
Why? Because otherwise he'll disappoint your parents.
Good.
David.
That's not who you are.
You're not a bitter person.
You're kind and loving.
Absolute crap at showing it but that is what you are.
l completely understand you wanting Nick to lose face, but who are you really hurting? Your parents, much more than Nick.
They're old.
They haven't got much time left.
Do you really want to do that to them? You really are the most wonderful woman.
Can we have a word, please? Do you want to come in? No.
l've got a fair old way to go.
l'm calling at my parents' before heading home.
- So.
Er - Yeah.
Look, l'd really like to see you again.
We've started something that it'd be a pity not to take further.
Nick, you live in Kent.
For now.
l could live in Manchester.
(Front door slams) Huh! l've just had a row with this woman, because l parked in a space reserved for shopping families.
Just cos l haven't got a family with me, doesn't mean l'm not shopping for 'em! - Pete, sit down.
- What? Sit down.
Go on.
- Please.
- (Sighs) - Have you seen Amy lately? - No.
- Have you had any contact with her? - No.
lf we're to have any future together, you're not to lie.
All right.
She keeps phoning up, right? But l put the phone straight down.
What am l supposed do? She came round this afternoon.
Right.
Adam was right.
She is a nutter.
- What are you doing? - Phoningthe police.
- Pete, put the phone down.
- l'm reporting her for harassment.
Pete, put the phone down.
Now, listen.
We had a chat, right? She's sorry.
She's She were desperate or summat when Adam dumped her.
She wished it had never happened.
Whatever.
l don't really care.
l don't like her.
The reason she's trying to get hold of you is cos .
.
there's a job going at your old firm.
Right? l don't understand.
l thought you never wanted us to see each other again.
You wouldn't.
lt's her job.
She's been transferred.
Bristol.
- You're joking? - No.
What, really? Welll don't believe it.
What? My house? My family? My job back? God, l never thought l'd get that.
Two out of three ain't bad, eh? - Excuse me! You could knock.
- You could lock the door.
l've been thinking.
This timing thing, it's bullshit.
You make your own timing.
You miss the moment if you don't seize it cos you're afraid of what might happen.
A life lived in fear is a life unlived.
Come on, Adam.
Admit it.
What we had together, it's still there.
Let's just stop pretending that it isn't.
What about David's brother? - l'd rather play Scrabble with you.
- You'd lose.
l don't care if you're going to die on me.
And l don't care if we can't have children together.
l just want to be together.
Get in the bath.
What? lf you're serious, get in the bath.
l've got all my clothes on.
Hey, lady.
l stood on a street naked with a rose up my arse for you.
This is nothing.
Hello.
Are you going to kiss me? l'm glad l changed my mind and opened an account at the sperm bank.
RACHEL: That is 32 points to me! No, there's no such word as ''snark''.
- lf you had a bigger dictionary - You know the rules.
One article of clothing.
This is the last time l play Scrabble with you.