Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e05 Episode Script

- Each week from across america, One regular citizen is chosen To swap places with a police officer On cop swap.
Sergeant ned dooley is a 19-year veteran of the lapd, A man of few words, who prefers his actions To speak for themselves.
Reggie watts is a bandleader On the talk show comedy bang! Bang!, Who loves painting his nails And performing beatbox-driven improvised songs.
Find out what happens when a no-nonsense police officer Trades places with a full-nonsense music man Starting now! Outside the police station, reggie watts must begin his day By putting on his uniform.
Next, reggie breaks the ice with his new partner in blue, Officer mark fitzpatrick.
- Welcome to the force.
- May the force be with us.
[chuckles.]
- Meanwhile, back at comedy bang! Bang!, It's time for officer dooley to face the music.
- Hey.
So, uh, you know, I'm here.
- What is this, some sort of a cop swap? Well, I guess, since the show's about to start, The first thing you would do is Say the names of our guests During the opening credits.
- When does that start? - Right about no-- [soul music.]
- [inhales.]
- It's comedy bang! Bang! - yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - Featuring me, officer ned dooley - comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey, there.
Welcome to the show.
We have a great one tonight.
Zoe saldana is here, As well as director garry marshall.
I'm scott aukerman.
I'm sorry, I-- I'm a little distracted right now.
I have this problem I've been wrestling with all night, And I just--I can't seem to figure it out, a-- Wait a second.
It's so simple.
Of course! Oh, well That's taken care of.
Why don't we say hello to our bandleader, Officer ned dooley.
- Hi.
- Uh Usually reggie plays something.
- Well, I don't play any instruments.
- You don't play any instruments? Why did we get a guy who doesn't play any instruments? - Mr.
Aukerman, I do have-- I do have just one favor I need to ask.
- What can I do for you? Anything.
- You know, if anything were to happen to me today, You know, I just Would you take care of belinda and the kids? I just--I just need to know that they're provided for.
- Ned, I--I don't think anything like that Is gonna happen during the show.
It's pretty safe here.
- Back on the beat, officer mark fitzpatrick Goes over some important details with reggie.
- This is your weapon.
- Oh.
- Keep it holstered at all times.
Over on this side of your belt You'll find your pepper spray.
[gunshot, glass shatters.]
Just-- - Well, our next guest has it all-- Two arms, two legs, a head, and a torso.
Please welcome zoe saldana.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Nice to meet you.
- How are you? - I'm officer dooley.
- Oh.
- Nice to meet you.
- That's like, I-- okay.
That's really great, the musician-- - He's not a musician.
- No, I like the nickname.
Is it okay if I move this pillow? - Yeah, please do.
Yeah, yeah.
- Perfect.
- It's actually not a nickname.
He's an actual police officer.
It's a cop swap.
- What is a cop swap? - There's-- a member of law enforcement Changes places with an ordinary citizen.
- Why? - I believe it's for entertainment value.
- That's great, sir.
That's-- Very nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too, miss.
- Zoe, you have such an incredible career.
- Thank you.
- You've worked with amazing actors Johnny depp, chris pine, james marsden.
Be honest, am I the least attractive man You've ever been photographed with? - UhNo.
- Be honest.
- I'm being honest.
You're not the least attractive man That I've been photographed with.
- [clears throat.]
- I sincerely mean it.
Trust me, I've come across Some ugly mother[bleep.]
.
It's not you.
- Thanks.
So, uh, you were in the movie avatar.
- I was.
- Uh, unobtainium Is that stuff, like, difficult to obtain? - It's impossible.
- Cool.
That was my favorite part.
- It was? - How difficult it was to obtain that stuff.
I was just like, "god!" - [laughs.]
- So, zoe-- - do you mind if I put, Like, just my--my feet - OhSure.
- I just want to get a little comfortable.
- Yeah, of course.
By the way, you are just in peak physical condition, I have to say.
You're just amazing.
- Thank you, I mean, I don't work out a lot, But I like to eat healthy.
- What'd you have for lunch today? - I haven't had lunch yet.
- That's the way to do it, you know? - It's very hollywood, I know, yeah.
- Just don't have lunch.
Skip it.
- Yeah, it's not the only meal You can skip in the day.
- Yeah, skip breakfast, lunch.
Sometimes dinner.
- Yeah.
- Boop! - Just a snack, that's it.
- Thin as a rail.
- Yeah, you can go on for days doing that.
- I've heard that people can go on for, like, Seven to ten days without food.
- And they do it not just for, you know, vanity reasons.
- No, because they're shipwrecked.
- Um - So, zoe, I understand You just finished a new movie? - I did.
It's called the carry-off, And I play a single mother, and one day, My son goes missing, And I decide to go look for him myself.
- Cool.
Wow.
- Yes.
- Great.
So then what happens? - You'll have to watch the movie To know what happens.
[laughter.]
- But, I mean, give us a little bit of a hint.
- Well, you know, I go back to the school, And I start to look for clues.
- Great.
Then what happens? - I find his homework in the parking lot.
- That's a clue, all right.
- But then the cops show up, And they start interrogating me.
Yeah, they think I did it.
They're insinuating that I did it.
- Hmm.
Then what happened? - I go crazy.
I'm just like, "that's my son!" Yeah, and nobody believes me.
[hand slaps.]
- Then what happens? - It all brings it back To when I was in the black ops.
- Then what happens? - Well, I had a partner, and he died.
- And then what happened? - Then I go and I visit his widow, And she tells me, "oh, no, he was captured, And he hated your guts.
" - Then what happens? - I find him.
And he has my son.
- And then what happened? - I lose my gun.
- No.
You never drop your weapon.
- I'm sorry? - You never drop your weapon.
You never drop it.
- I do drop my gun.
And then he's about to take it, And we wrestle, And then my kid is about to get hit by the train.
- No! - It's crazy, but I save him.
- Then what happened? - I look at my partner, and I say, "what's the matter, you lost your train of thought?" - And then? - And then the train hits him.
- Well, um Then what happens? - The movie ends.
- Then what happens? - In 300 million years, The sun will explode.
The universe will have to go on without us.
It's done, and the only thing that matters is us, And it's right now, and it's right here.
You and I and the officer.
- That was a good movie.
- You like it? - Yeah.
All right, we'll be right back with more zoe saldana.
- The hit show cop swap Is looking for ordinary citizens Who want to switch places with an officer of the law.
Do you own a clothing store? While you learn how to become a top cop, A real cop will sell crop tops and flip-flops at your shop.
Are you a janitor? While you walk the beat on the street, We'll have a cop take your mop And sop up spilled coff.
Do you publish a rhyming dictionary? While you ensure that those who do the crime do the time, A cop will spend his time finding a rhyme For words like slime, grime, and mime.
It'll be sublime.
All you need to do is make a 12-minute video Letting us know why you should be on cop swap.
Just call your local police station And yell, "help, help" into the phone.
They'll know what to do.
Don't delay.
We want to see you in blue On cop swap.
And, folks, let's be careful out there.
- Welcome back to cop swap.
Officer fitzpatrick and reggie watts Are approaching a suspected drug dealer.
- Hey.
Thought I told you I didn't like you dealing out here.
This corner's off limits.
This is a no fly zone.
- I ain't dealing.
I'm just waiting for a ride.
- Look, aaron, you're a good kid, But I can't keep seeing you--whoa! - You got a hearing problem? - Easy.
- He said no dealing on this corner! - I'm not dealing.
I'm not dealing.
- Yeah? If you're not dealing, then what's this? [sniffs.]
'cause it sure as [bleep.]
Gets me high like coke! - [groans.]
- Hey, hey, come on, come on.
- Meanwhile, back at comedy bang! Bang!, Officer dooley is having trouble Getting on the same page as scott.
- You know, officer dooley, This is usually the part of the show Where reggie gets involved and asks a question Or tells a joke.
- I have no further questions.
- Okay.
- Although I did have a thought That it might be kind of funny If somebody put a hat on a dog.
- So, okay, maybe you viewers at home Can just conjure up that mental image in your minds, And you'll get a good laugh.
- [chuckles.]
- All right, It's time for a new segment on the show.
We all love to be scared.
It's time for "scottie scares 'em.
" [cheerful music.]
This public park is known for its beautiful greenery.
So today I'm going to disguise myself as a bush.
That way, when unsuspecting strangers walk by, They just might get scared.
Ahh! - Ahh! What the hell? - I'm sorry.
You're on a hidden camera show.
See, there's a camera right there.
There's a camera there.
- No way.
Am I on candid camera? - No.
- Am I being punk'd? - [laughs.]
no.
- X'd? Is this the jamie kennedy experiment? - This is something called "scottie scares 'em.
" - That sounds like a really great show.
I'm dave, by the way.
- Hey, I'm scott.
- Can I hang out with you and scare some people? - Of course.
[cheerful music.]
Both: Aghh! - [gasps.]
- Gotcha.
You're on a hidden camera show.
- No way.
Which one? - It's actually something called "scottie & dave scares 'em.
" - Who's scott? - I'm scott.
- See, you look like a scott.
- My middle name is scott.
- No way, I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
[both laugh.]
- Well, I'm June, and this is greg.
- Hi.
- Can we play? Both: Sure.
[cheerful music.]
All: Agh! - [gasps.]
- I'm scott.
This is dave.
And say hi to June and greg.
- So I'm guessing the name of the show Is "scottie, dave, greg and June scares 'em"? - Yes.
- That's great.
To be honest, I wasn't scared though.
More startled.
- That's a great note.
- I'm sarah.
- Hi, sarah.
[cheerful music.]
All: Aghh! - [laughs.]
- You're on "scottie, dave, greg, June and sarah startles 'em.
" - Yeah, quite.
You startled me, and you caught me off guard.
I'm lisa.
- You're in.
- Actually, I gotta run.
But my buddy stu is gonna fill in for me.
And don't worry, I can vouch for him.
- What'd I miss? All: Stu! [cheerful music.]
All: Aghh! [laughter.]
- What is this? - Welcome to "scottie, greg, June, lisa and sarah "startles and caught-off-guards 'em Featuring stu (vouched for by dave).
" - That's not a very good name.
- Yeah, I'm kinda seeing It's maybe a little too unwieldy.
- Well, it looks like you guys are having fun.
Are you guys all friends? - I mean, we just met, but, yeah.
- Well, why not just call the show friends? [imitation of friends theme.]
- I'll be there for greg when the snow starts to hail lisa's there for June when the rain starts to snow sarah's there for stu and scott's there for stu too - We'll be right back with more zoe saldana And director garry marshall.
[plays several notes.]
- Stay tuned for more cop swap.
- Welcome back to cop swap.
Officer fitzpatrick and reggie are meeting With an informant who claims to have witnessed Two cops beating up a suspected drug dealer.
- I heard what sounded like a fight Outside of my window.
And I went to get my phone to film it.
And when I got there, there-- it was two cops, And they were beating up this guy.
Hey, wait a minute.
You're-- - [panting.]
- what did you do? You just killed an unarmed man.
- Oh, really? 'cause it looks like this skel was packing.
- No, reggie, that man did not have a weapon.
- Well, then how did you get shot? [rock music.]
[spits.]
- Meanwhile back at comedy bang! Bang!, Officer dooley is learning that being a bandleader Doesn't afford you the same powers As an officer of the law.
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with zoe saldana, and we were having An interesting conversation during the break.
You said you had a story you wanted to tell me.
- Yes, scott, I do.
This past weekend I was walking my dog, And I jaywalked.
- Okay, that's it.
Ms.
Saldana, jaywalking is a crime.
Stand up, please.
Put your hands behind your back.
- Oh, my god.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no.
- You have the right to remain silent.
- Please, ned, you don't have to do that.
- Well, she-- - No, you're a sidekick/bandleader today.
You're not a cop.
- Oh, that's-- oh, that's right.
That's right, that's right.
- Plus, I don't think you can arrest someone Just for claiming they once jaywalked.
- The paperwork would have been a mess.
- Yeah, okay, you can just go back behind the keyboard.
All right, well, our next guest Is an acclaimed director of such films As valentine's day and new year's eve.
Please welcome garry marshall.
- Hey! Ah, all right.
Hello, young lady.
- Nice to meet you.
- There's nobody here.
Uh, doesn't she move down? It's-- - Could you guys swap? - Oh, sure.
Yes, yes, of course.
- Just kind of a cop swap But with people.
- I'm sorry.
- Right, talk show traditions.
- As long as he doesn't handcuff me.
[laughter.]
- I'm not a policeman.
So, uh, no danger.
Hello! All right.
- He is a policeman though.
- No, I understand.
I can hear from backstage, so-- - Oh, really? You were listening to the show? Thank you so much.
- Well, I could hear it.
I don't know if I was listening.
- Oh.
- Scott, thank you for having me.
I can't wait to talk about my new projects.
- New projects? Okay, must be a new movie.
A new holiday maybe? Zoe, what's your favorite holiday? - Thanksgiving.
- Thanksgiving! - I love thanksgiving.
- Now before you get too attached To putting on a headdress or whatever, I have to tell you I'm not directing movies anymore.
I've done it.
- [gasps.]
what? - I've done all these major motion pictures With all these very famous people, And everybody loves them, and I'm a great guy.
But that's over.
- What are you then, as an elderly man, going to do? - Here's the thing.
I'm getting back to my roots of television.
It's where I started.
- A new tv show.
- No! Kind of but not really.
- I'm so confused right now.
- You've gotta shut your mouth And listen to what I am saying, son.
- See, but I wanted to know though is-- - You're still talking.
I have very little time left on this earth.
Please don't fill it up with your irritating voice.
I love you.
So here's the thing.
I'm starting happy days up again.
- Starting happy days up again? - That's right! Happy days, 21st century, here we come.
- So this must be the next generation.
Like, richie's kids or - No.
- No? - It's the original cast Playing the same characters.
- Okay.
- Oh.
- We're picking up Exactly where happy days left off.
It's the next day after the last episode.
- But fonzie is an elderly gentleman now.
I mean, he's not old-- - that's true.
- What's the name of the actor that played fonzie? - It was henry winkler.
- Winkler, I think that's such a funny last name.
- It is funny.
- Yeah.
- You remember him from night shift.
You know what, what I like about the last name winkler Is that it's a little mischievous.
You know what I mean? It's like he might be a little woodland creature.
"I'm the winkler! You have three wishes.
Don't throw a shoe at me.
I'll have to repair it.
" - So what I'm not getting then is-- - What's not to get about this? - Henry winkler is a little bit older Than when he was on the show.
- Yeah, he's almost my age now.
He's catching up.
- So how does he return to the role of the fonz then And still be that same age? - I'll go to the smithsonian.
I'll get fonzie's jacket.
- Wait, wait.
- I'm sure it still fits.
Maybe he'll cut out some doughnuts or whatever And slim down a little bit.
- Okay, and but how do you take care of his hair? He's-- - we'll just spray it.
- Yeah.
- All you gotta do, You wanna make a character believable, Spray his hair.
- I don't find that believable.
- Really? - Anytime I see that on camera, Where someone's hair is obviously sprayed-- - You're making me angry.
Sweetheart, you've seen it where people have sprayed hair, And it looks like, "oh, I would have sworn he was that guy"? - What did you do in avatar? Did they just, like--did you-- - what's avatar? - That would be the last airbender.
- No, it wasn't.
It wasn't m.
Night shyamalan.
- That's right, I'm sorry.
- It was--it was--you're a cop.
- Everyone's speaking a foreign language right now.
- In avatar, it was all motion capture, So it was all created in post.
- Maybe you could do that with happy days.
- [gasps.]
that's a great idea.
- I don't know what anybody is talking about.
- Let me explain.
Fonzie, instead of a leather jacket, He puts on a big green suit with dots all over it.
They could even, you know-- - Son, son, let me ask you this.
Is this process free? - How--how expensive is the process? - Is it expensive? - Very expensive.
- Not interested! - Ah, just you're gonna do the spray then? - Henry cuts out doughnuts.
We spray his hair.
Fonzie, "ehh!" I make that book work by banging on it.
- Well, this sounds like a great project.
- Of course it does! I'm yelling it at the top of my lungs! - All right, well, we'll be right back With a little more garry marshall and zoe saldana After this.
- Little more, little more.
Eh.
- I guess we could all clap.
- Welcome back to cop swap.
Reggie, drunk on his newfound power, Has gone on a violent rampage.
- I escaped the russians and the east side boys.
You think I'm gonna let a couple stupid flatfoots Bring me down? [laughs.]
- Meanwhile, officer dooley Is winding down his shift as bandleader.
- So that's when I devoted my life To hunting the loch ness monster.
- Well, we're back here with zoe saldana And also director garry marshall.
- Please, call me garry.
- Sorry, garry.
- Director garry.
- Director garry marshall.
[horn sounds.]
Oh, well, that sound can mean only one thing.
It's time to play "what color are we showing you?" Usually reggie would sing a song to lead us into this, But that's okay, you don't have to do anything.
- Well, actually, scott, I do have one song I could sing.
- Sure, what? - It's an old irish folk song.
The other cops and I sing it Whenever we get together at the bar.
It's the one song that captures the irish experience In such a--a meaningful and specific way.
- Well, okay.
Yeah, I'd love to hear it.
Go for it.
- [clears throat.]
[microphone feedback.]
[gentle music.]
me ma she was an irish lass and me da had a four-leaf clover they both loved eating potatoes and drinking guinness beer I kissed the blarney stone and stole a leprechaun's pot of gold while me ma she ate a potato and me da he drank more guinness our prime minister is a leprechaun and u2 is our favorite band we'll pinch ya if you're not wearing green and we love watching zoo tv of all of bono's alter egos macphisto is our favorite though the fly is a good one too they filmed saving private ryan here they filmed saving private ryan here - That was beautiful.
Thank you.
Unfortunately, that means we don't have time to play "what color are we showing you?" - Oh, give me a [bleep.]
break! - Oh, what the [bleep.]
! - Sorry! Anyway, I do want to thank our guests.
Garry marshall.
- Please, call me garry.
- Zoe saldana.
- Yeah.
- And officer ned dooley.
Thank you so much.
Reggie watts will be back next week.
We'll see you then.
Thanks.
[upbeat music.]
[engine revving.]
[clatter.]
- The wolf dead.