Cooper's Bar (2022) s02e05 Episode Script

1
(light jazzy music)
- Guys, this is not personal.
It's not personal.
You know this business.
This business is,
it's, it's nuts.
(sighing)
Dave, Brandon, oil
and water don't mix.
Creatively.
Shit.
Did you know Brando and Sinatra
fought like cats and dogs
on "Guys and Dolls",
and they probably,
they should've parted ways.
And I think
that's what we
should do, part ways.
Ah! (bleep)
(gate clinking)
Just gotta do it.
Okay.
- [Dave] Direct
with any authority
if the security guard's-
- Shit.
- [Dave] got more
power than I have.
- Quit my job as a security
guard when I became a writer.
- I'm not talking about you,
I'm talking about the goons
who escorted us off the set.
- Jesus, take the wheel!
You two were at work in
a professional setting.
- Ah, we just fight.
- Yeah, like brothers.
- Yeah, come on, Dave's the fam.
Look at that, huh?
(Dave laughing)
Come here, huh?
Now who can say "Cut," huh?
Who can say, "Cut?" (laughing)
- That was mad.
I was right in
front of Cyrus Long.
What a couple of wankers.
- Yeah, I bet you Cooper's
down there right now
doing some serious dancing
to get us outta here.
(garden tools clattering)
- Cooper, what are you doin'?
- Hey.
- Hey, Cooper.
- Hey, hey.
You know "Guys and Dolls"?
You know that Marlon
Brando and Frank Sinatra,
they fought, like, a lot,
and they probably
shouldn't have never been
in the same movie together.
It turned out to be a
pretty good flick, but,
but sometimes, creatively,
it's like oil and water,
and, you know, when you
heat up some olive oil,
you're makin' some eggplant,
or something along those lines,
well, just one little drop
of water from anywhere,
and it's an explosion.
Sometimes that happens.
- Cooper, have you been
vapin' and drivin'?
What are you talkin' about?
- No, no, this is like
that unsaid shit Karen said
she wanted in the scripts.
Sublet.
- I think you mean subtext.
- Oh, so who's the
writer now, huh?
(shouting and laughing)
- Guys.
Guys!
You're fired.
- Damn.
That's some deep sublet.
(upbeat drum music)
(lively music)
(car door slamming)
Something in my
heart go missing ♪
I never thought I
would lose myself ♪
But then there is no denying ♪
The fact I know I
wasn't ready for life ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is somethin more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
- Brittney almost walked.
The studio won't
make it without her.
She wants real pros.
- Oh.
So much for, "Whatever
happens, you guys come first."
- You can't behave like
that on a professional set!
Are you kidding me?
You need to grow up.
- Well, Brandon and me
might not be "real pros",
because we were told we're
not au fait with the TV lingo.
- You thought Bee
Gees was a disco band.
- They are.
- Background, my brother.
- Who cares?
- Know what, Coop?
Maybe we don't know
what we're doing.
- That's my point.
- But at least we give
it to you straight.
And I don't know were else
you're gonna get that.
David?
You gonna follow me or what?
That was my big moment.
- Oh, right, yeah.
Sorry, Cooper.
Good luck with your show.
- (sighing) You
should've seen 'em, Mary.
I think Brandon
gave Dave a wedgie.
- Hm.
(mellow Hawaiian music)
- The hula girl.
- You know, when the
three of you stole
this problematic
piece of plastic
from that bar in Waikiki Beach,
I thought you were
outta your minds.
A tiki bar?
In this burnt out piece
of Atwater Village?
And yet, the three of you
bumbled your way to all this.
- Right now, set designers
are building an exact replica
of this on a stage.
It's my dream.
(mellow Hawaiian
music continuing)
(jaunty Italian music)
Are you (bleep) kidding me?
- Oh, isn't it amazing?
I mean, it's an exact
replica of your bar.
Huh?
- This looks as much
like Cooper's Bar
as I do George Clooney.
What?
What is this?
- No. The dimensions
are identical
to your place in Atwater.
I made sure of that.
If you close your eyes, you
can't even tell the difference.
- Tell the difference?
Cooper's is a tiki bar in
Atwater Village, Antonia.
It's outside!
- Oh, that's your problem.
Duh!
Okay, Cooper, Cooper,
your bar is now located in
the DC mall in the food court.
- Really?
- Yeah.
See, if Cooper is
a deep cover agent
working for the
shadow government,
it only made sense that
he'd had some unassuming job
in close proximity
to the White House.
- The White House?
- Mm.
- Okay.
I mean, I've accepted
that you need
to take some dramatic license
to make this adaptation work,
but I always thought it
would still be about my bar!
- No, Cooper, no.
It is.
No, it is still about your bar.
Yeah.
I mean, what makes
Cooper's bar different
from all the other watering
holes in LA, New York or Cairo?
It's what?
- At this point, I have no idea.
- It's Cooper.
Cooper Marino.
That's what we bought.
We invested in the
irascible outsider
whose wisdom triumphs
over Hollywood insanity.
- But this is the exact
kind of Hollywood insanity
he's supposed to triumph over!
- I, just trust the
process, Cooper.
- The process.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you're given
a piece of gold,
and polish it and you polish it,
and somehow, it's a turd.
- (laughing) I'm
sorry, that kills me.
See?
See that, that is hilarious.
No one could play this
part but you, Cooper.
- Guten tag.
I am Kris Latimer,
and I am excited to be
here as a gigantic worm.
(Antonia laughing)
- What is that?
- It's Heidi Klum as
the giant earthworm.
Cooper, it went viral.
It's comedy gold.
(palms clapping)
- Is that how you
see Kris Latimer?
- Well, like, I normally
would start with the shoes,
but in this case, I thought I'd
start with the invertebrate.
- I mean, it's so
good. (chuckling)
- I don't get it.
I don't.
Is Kris having a
nervous breakdown?
- This is,
this is when we
meet Kris Latimer
at Jeff Bezos' Halloween party.
- Cooper's at a party
at Jeff Bezos' house?
- Have you not been
reading the scripts?
Cooper, you're a
producer on this show.
You're expected to be
keeping up with everything,
even the scenes
that you're not in.
You still have to read them.
- Send Cassie a message:
Get Cooper current draft.
- I don't need a current draft.
I need to know who
approved all of this.
- Er, the director did.
- Oh, the, the, the director.
- Hey, Cooper.
- Aah! (bleep)
(upbeat drum music)
Ah, Billy Canasta, again!
- Right?
Surprise!
- Yeah.
What happened to
the Billy Canasta
who could make more
money off two TikToks?
- Er, Britt Lasker happened.
Come on, I'm not
a (bleep) idiot.
Look!
Who's not a big fan?
- Yeah, I shoulda known
the worm was your idea.
- Actually, that was Brittney's.
- Well, I mean, we were vibing.
Billy and I were just, you
know, hanging out, and it just,
it came to me,
and we were dying.
- Dying!
- I mean, we were
dying laughing.
- Dying.
- I mean, we were just like
Don't. Don't start!
(Billy laughing)
- Well, it's
Well, it's just, erm,
from a character standpoint,
Cooper's not the kinda guy
who's gonna go to a
billionaire's house
to party with a bunch of
sociopathic narcissists.
- Yes, Cooper.
We understand your character.
Obviously, he's not
at Jeff Bezos' house.
That's a sequence that
just features Brittney.
All of your scenes,
they take place here on the set.
- Here on this set?
- Mm hm.
- Well, who's gonna
wanna look at that?
- That's a fair point.
And TBH, Coop, we've
actually been talking
about cutting some
of these scenes.
- You're, you're
gonna cut my scenes?
The name of the show
is "Cooper's Bar".
- (sharp intake of
breath) Actually,
I think it's now
called "Brittney
Lasker's Cooper's Bar".
- I don't hate it.
Like, I'm fine with that, if-
- I love it.
- you guys are.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- I want to sit down with
Cyrus Long right now.
I'm not doing one more (bleep)
damn thing on this show
until he looks me in the eye
and explains to me what the
(bleep) is going on here!
- Okay, okay.
Yeah. No.
You got it.
I'll make sure the boss
can see you right now.
- Yes.
- Don't worry.
I got you.
Got you, Cooper.
- (sighing) I feel
like he's mad.
- Whatever.
- Is he mad?
- Sure. Who cares.
- I like your hair today.
- Oh, thank you.
- You just, you
seem angry, Cooper.
I mean, no one's
trying to upset you.
I'm certainly not
trying to upset you.
- I'm not upset.
I just want some clarity.
- Oh, well, I mean-
- Oh, Miss Lasker.
Miss Lasker, hi.
Do you want me to hire someone
for your on set masseuse,
or do you wanna interview them?
- Ah, just hire someone.
- Okay.
- They give you a masseuse?
- Oh, they will give
you literally anything
if you ask for it.
- Really?
- Pro tip. Yeah.
Do you need anything
from your dressing room
before we head in there?
- This is Brandon's
broom closet.
(mellow music)
Okay.
- LOL.
I did tell them I wanted
a dressing room four times
the size of yours,
but I was joking.
I was totally kidding,
and they did it.
This is (bleep) up, okay.
I'm
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You know what?
I'm gonna give you a lesson
in contract negotiations.
You come with me.
Come into my room. I'm
gonna show you my contract,
and then you are gonna
work (light music)
Freezing in here.
God!
- Wow.
D'you have kids?
- Ugh.
No.
Hate them.
Okay, so.
When I talked to Cyrus
Long about getting involved
in this project,
I did tell him that I would
need complete creative control.
- Total control?
- Yeah.
But like
Ahh!
I'm not gonna like, exercise
it or anything, you know.
I just wanna, you
know, like collaborate.
- So, really, there's no
need to talk to Cyrus.
I should just talk to you.
- Yeah.
You got it.
You know, cast mates together.
And if you need anything,
seriously, like just ask.
- Then cut Jeff Bezos' house.
- No.
- Hey.
- So good!
- Cyrus says he can see us now.
- Eh, it's okay. Ski it.
- Oh! Okay.
(chuckling) Great.
Aw, Cooper.
Your dreams, they're
coming true, right?
I mean, what would you
give to do a show about you
and your best friends, huh?
- Erm, my best friends.
- (chuckling) Stop!
Can we take a quick
selfie, please?
- Sure.
- Really?
- Come on.
(camera clicking)
- Wait. Hold on.
- That's nice.
- Hold on.
- Oh, you okay?
- Yup.
- Yup.
- Okay, ready?
(all screaming)
- Okay.
Alright.
- That's good.
That's good.
- I gotta go.
- Do the Nashville
filter on that.
- The Nashville? Okay.
- It's "Brittney
Lasker's Cooper's Bar",
directed by Billy Canasta,
starring a (bleep)
golden earthworm.
(slow jazz music)
- Okay, Cooper, come sit
down and have a drink.
- We shoulda moved to Buffalo
when we had the chance.
- That is not what you wanted.
This is your dream.
- No, Mary.
This is my nightmare.
Come on.
Ah!
(bleep)
(slow jazz music continuing)
(door slamming)
(mellow Hawaiian music)
(car engine purring)
(door slamming)
(suspenseful music)
(garden gate creaking)
(suspenseful music continuing)
(both shrieking)
- What the hell is
wrong with you, man?
- God, nearly (bleep) my pants.
- Your mission.
(both screaming)
Shh!
Cooper is asleep!
I told you to come
in like commandos,
not shriek like
frightened schoolboys.
- What the hell are
we doing here, Mary?
- Your mission is to
save Cooper's bar.
- He's hiring us back?
- No.
He can't, even if he wanted to.
Cooper lost control of the show.
- Ha.
That's what you get when
you fire your top writer.
- And director.
- And he never would've done it
if you two hadn't (bleep) up.
- I was the one who brought
Kris Latimer to the bar
in the first place.
- Dave, did you forget what
actually brings you happiness?
- Well, I've never
had any money,
but I presume that's the ticket.
- No, Dave, it's fame.
- No.
No.
You both are wrong, as usual.
What brings you
happiness is friendship.
- That's right!
It's friends with money!
- No.
Famous friends with money.
(both laughing)
- Sh, sh, sh!
You two are his secret sauce.
Cooper may have built the bar,
but it's you two who made it.
(dramatic music)
We have to prove to Cooper
that the spirit of Cooper's
Bar is alive and well!
(dramatic music continuing)
(suspenseful music)
- [Dave] Oh, god!
(suspenseful music continuing)
Go.
- Go where?
- [Dave] Go open
the bloody door!
(dog barking)
(suspenseful music continuing)
(crate clattering)
It's locked.
- [Mary] Did you
expect a red carpet?
- [Brandon And Dave] Aargh!
- [Dave] Bobby pin.
Cool. Can I do that?
- [Mary] As long
as you can do that.
- [Dave] Oh, why does this
always work in the movies?
- David, it's gonna be light
before you get us in there.
I'm gonna find another door.
- [Brandon] Good luck.
It's a secure facility!
- [Dave] Hey, Brandon,
go get those boxes.
Worse case scenario, I'm just
gonna pop this door knob.
- [Brandon] Okay.
(big band music)
- [Dave] Come on, you bugger.
Bloody hell.
I think I've got her.
- What the hell
is goin' on here?
- I'm David Butler, director.
I, I, I, I left my
viewfinder on the set.
You've got a great face.
You ever thought
of being an actor?
- Nope.
Who the hell are you?
- Brandon Washington, writer.
- I don't think so.
I know you.
You were
You used to work
at The Galleria.
- In another life.
- Didn't you get fired for
stealing a photo booth?
- Darryl?
- Brandon?
- Aw, man, what's up?
Oh, missed you, bro!
How you been?
- I been good, man.
Hey, you still donating
to the security guard's
benevolent fund, right?
- Hell, yeah, man.
My first writer's check's
goin' straight to them.
(garage door rattling)
- Oh, shit!
- Don't worry about her.
She with me.
- Alright, look.
Whatever Brandon
does is cool with me.
Just do me a favor.
Put the dollies back.
- My man.
- I ain't seen nothin'.
- Phew! Nice one, Brandon.
- Bonnie, Clyde.
- You're Bonnie, I'm Clyde.
- That ain't right.
- Get in here!
(suspenseful music)
(wheels trundling)
(furniture clattering)
- [Brandon] Oh! Damn!
Where the damn lights at?
- Looks like The Olive Garden.
- Mm.
I love their
never-ending breadsticks.
- Brandon.
Let's get to work.
(mellow Hawaiian music)
- Oh!
My bar!
It's my bar!
You, you built my bar
here in Culver City.
- Cooper Marino,
can I offer you a
goblet au Cabernet?
- I'm sorry, mate. We
love you and all that,
but we can't have you moping
around a naff pizza cafe.
- It looks really great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Cooper, you have a vision.
Now go fight for it.
- Oh, my god.
(upbeat drum music)
Cooper.
What did you do?
What am I gonna tell Cyrus Long?
We start shooting tomorrow!
Oh, my god!
(lively music)
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is somethin more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is somethin more than I want ♪