Coupling (2000) s02e05 Episode Script

You won't admit you love me And so How am I ever To know You always tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps to Jane Christie, Our eye on London traffic.
up there, Jane? Good morning, traffic! Now, there's some serious, today, I'm afraid, But more of that later.
Hammond of Southweld street, for some of my underwear, just enter the competition like everybody else.
before we go any further, with a big meditation congestion.
close your eyes.
So, how do you feel|it went this morning? The traffic report? The traffic report, yes.
I think it was a success.
Jane, there are people|in hospital.
Oh, for God's sake, Jeremy,|I'm reporting traffic.
There's bound to be casualties.
As you know, for some time now,|we've had problems About the way you've been|handling the reports.
Jeremy, I told you when|i first took the job I need creative input.
Sometimes you change|the names of streets.
Only when I need a rhyme.
And the pilot has complained|about your guitar.
He never!|What did he say? Well, just that you get a bit|animated now and then.
Apparently, he sustained a mild|concussion during hallelujah m4.
He made such a fuss about that,|you wouldn't believe.
He was a mile|above battersea, Jane.
He was flying a helicopter! Well, that's another thing.
|Why is it always his turn? Jane, I'm very sorry,|really I am.
Personally,|I'm very fond of you, But this is as far|as we can go.
Please,|try not to be bitter.
I'm not bitter.
I'm never at home|to mr.
Bitter bottom.
I'm very sorry, Jane.
|Well, I'm sorry for you.
Because you've got that funny, little|wheezing noise when you breathe, Which probably means|you're gonna die.
Jane, please.
And then it'll be off|to the crematorium, And you'll just be a little,|teeny-tiny pile of ashes.
And straightaway,|your wife will start having sex With a man with a much less|smelly bottom.
But until then,|i hope we can stay friends.
You're imagining it.
It is.
It's increasing.
I've got an increasing face.
I've used|too much skin nutrient, And now my face|is actually growing.
I'm becoming|the incredible flesh monster.
Incredible what? Sorry, I meant my mother.
You'd better get that.
I expect it'll be|some more neck.
What's wrong? I've been sacked.
What?!|No! Jeremy just sacked me! I've been completely|and utterly sacked! Oh, Jane, I'm so sorry.
|Are you all right? Jane? I'm so sorry.
I've been so stupid.
What have you done? I had a moment of madness.
I've taken an overdose.
What?!|Oh, my God! You're not serious? I'm so sorry.
I just couldn't take it anymore.
Oh, christ.
|Call an ambulance.
Yes! Jane, listen to me.
You've got to stay conscious, And you've got to tell me|everything you've taken.
Paracetamol.
|How many? How many did you take, Jane? Two.
Tell everyone I forgive them.
Two? Well, that's as|many as you're allowed.
It says so on the bottle.
Okay.
You can only|take 8 in 24 hours.
Frankly, I don't know how anyone|finds time to commit suicide.
I think you'll find|the point of an overdose Is that you exceed|the recommended dose.
Isn't that dangerous? Two paracetamol|won't have any effect, Jane.
That's rubbish.
|It got rid of my headache.
I feel fantastic! Which, suicide-wise, Isn't exactly|a near miss, is it? So you haven't actually|taken anything poisonous? Oh, listen to mrs.
Critical.
Perhaps it's time you started.
Maybe it is time|for a change.
I mean,|what's so great About getting up|at six in the morning To talk about contraflow|and intersections? You've never|understood show biz.
There must be something else|you'd like to do.
Yeah, something more you.
Well, there is one thing.
What?|Okay you know how I've always wanted|to work with children? you hate children! Well, I'm sure|i could overcome that In a professional environment.
Anyway, there's bound to be some|opportunities to tell them off.
What kind of work? Well, there's this little|opportunity that's come up, And I thought maybe, well what opportunity? I'll show you! I'll be about an hour, okay? Oh, okay.
This is so exciting! This is going to be|a whole new beginning! And to think,|when I was committing suicide, I'd very nearly given up hope! An arse beach? Why not?|Why not an arse beach? There are many|dedicated breast beaches.
"Topless beaches,"|not dedicated breast beaches.
They're not like|nature reserves.
The fact is, some women|don't have large breasts, And they're people, too.
What? Maybe they'd like the freedom To show us their bottoms|instead of their breasts.
Maybe they'd enjoy|a more flexible, Ass-friendly beach|that says, "Hey, so long|as you got cleavage, Who cares which way|it's facing?" Patrick.
What are you doing here? I thought you were|with Lynda tonight.
I think I'm gonna have|to terminate Lynda.
What, already? Oh,|i really like Lynda.
She always|remembers my name.
It's great when women do that,|isn't it? Just two weeks|and she's history? Where did she go wrong? Just made a simple,|tactical error.
Which one? Which of the many? For, many are the ways For a woman to leave|the cupboard of Patrick's love.
Very true, my friend.
She might suggest|a weekend away together.
Termination on the spot! She might refer to him|as her boyfriend.
Oh, an instant,|taxi-home violation.
She might even use a sentence Containing|the forbidden word of death.
Christmas.
None of those.
I'm talking about|the big mistake.
The one all women|should be trained to avoid.
She has ruled out,|at any point in the future, The possibility of a threesome.
How can a relationship|survive without hope? No disrespect, but what would|you know about relationships? A relationship is a loving bond|between two people, And a threesome can take|the edge off that.
You've had threesomes? That's fantastic.
Sex with two complete women.
That's totally brilliant! Okay, Jeff|calm, focus, breathe.
Steve, sex with two whole women.
Think of the advantages.
|They can't both fall asleep.
Right.
And if one of them suddenly|leaves or punches you, You still got one left.
If one of them plays that old|sneaking out of the window trick, There's someone there|to untie you.
It's total genius.
Yeah, but Jeff and all those breasts.
Your bed will be like|a breast car park.
It would be like being attacked|by the giant breast octopus, Only this time your mother won't|wake you up before the good bit.
I think you can probably|stop now if you like.
"Jeffrey, Jeffrey, you're|vibrating the light fittings!" Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
There would, in fact,|be just four breasts.
Steve, it's a bad idea to|actually count women's breasts.
The whole bus stares at you.
Bus? Bus or whatever.
Jeff, I've never had|a threesome.
What? I don't think|anyone ever has, really.
It's just something women say|to you when you first meet them.
It's your basic,|three-stage strategy.
You know darling,|I'd love to try a threesome.
Darling, one day|I'd consider a threesome.
Darling, I'm pregnant.
|There's your threesome.
And so the cycle|of life continues.
So, Lynda doesn't know|about the three stages? You can't respect|that kind of naivety, can you? She didn't|seem naive to me.
That would be asking a lot.
She's very inexperienced|when it comes to sex.
She takes ages.
No point in putting it off, Time to power up|the woman ejector.
Good phone small.
|The smallest available.
Do you know how many times I couldn't find|this phone today? Five.
|Nice.
You're gonna dump her|over the phone? Yeah.
It's much less upsetting.
More upsetting, surely.
How do you mean? Oh, for her? Yes, totally excellent result.
What?|Answer phone.
Lynda, hi, it's Patrick.
Listen, I'm sorry to leave a message|like this on your answer phone.
Um, I want to put this|as gently as possible.
I've been thinking a lot|about the future, And you're not in it.
So, sorry.
|It's not me, it's you.
No, hang on, it's the other way|around, isn't it? Um, so, anyway, good luck,|Lynda, and goodbye.
If you ever want to call up|for a chat or just to say "hi," Remember, I screen|my calls.
Ta ta.
Phaser's on "kill.
" Photon torpedo.
Ribbed.
Sorry.
Well, that wasn't bad,|was it? Simple and direct.
No mess, no complications,|clean break.
Patrick.
Lynda! Hi, Patrick.
Hi, guys.
How's my mr.
Snuggle bottom? Fine.
I just thought I'd drop by|on the off chance you were here.
What's the matter|with you lot? You look like|you've seen a ghost.
No, no, not at all.
|No, no, no.
No, you're not dead.
You|look great.
Oh, thanks.
You're not, like, you know,|decomposing or anything.
I'm not just saying that.
you're so funny.
He's so funny, isn't he? Can I have a word,|mr.
Sexy hair? Um bit of news for you.
|Come on.
See you in a minute, guys.
|See you.
You have to tell her.
|I know, I know.
So, she's not decomposing.
You like her, don't you? What are you talking about? I say that to lots of women.
She's becoming available.
Think you can handle being|the next guy after Patrick? I could take Patrick.
Of course you could.
I couldn't really, could i? No, not really.
Jane? Steve, could you come|with me to Sally's? I'm gonna need your help.
The girls are there,|but I need a boy, too.
It's gotta be a mixed group.
Oh, look.
Patrick and Lynda.
They go really well together,|don't they? He's dumping her.
Good.
I think she's|a bit two-faced.
Hi, you! Can you guess what my news is?|Before we get to that I've been thinking about|your naughty, little suggestion.
You know, a threesome.
And do you know what?|I got so turned on.
Really?|Let's do it.
What, you mean, at some point in|the future? You'll consider it? No, I think we should|get started straightaway.
Tonight.
|Wow.
I'm feeling so horny! Can I borrow your phone a minute? Sure.
You mean, you can just phone up|for a threesome? No, I want to check|my messages.
Oh, right.
Sorry, no! What's wrong? I never lend my phone.
Why?|It's too small.
Small? It might get lost.
|You've got big ears.
I've just got to make a call.
you're so funny.
Hello, this is Lynda.
|Leave a message, And I'll phone you back.
|Bye.
Lynda, Patrick.
Um, just thought|I'd better warn you That I've got|an answer phone double.
Uh, there's a mate of mine Ivan,|and what he does, right, Is he phones up whoever I'm|going out with at the moment, Pretends to be me, and|dumps them.
What a joker.
So, I hope he hasn't|wound you up too much With that silly message.
Um, not that I've|any reason to suppose He has left you a message.
It's just that he's done that|to all the other women I'm seeing at the moment, so Ha ha ha.
Just a bit|of answer phone humor there.
Just trying to lighten the mood.
Just heading off.
I'm really glad|you dumped that dizzy cow.
She wasn't right for you.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't see|you were on the phone.
It's really small.
Um, hang on,|hang on a sec, Lynda.
Yeah, Steve, well done|on dumping that dizzy cow.
Nice work.
Sorry, what was that? I was just saying "Good job, dumping-wise.
" So, you've dumped her|properly now, have you? You haven't just left|a message on her answer phone? For God's sake,|I'm not gonna dump her Till after the threesome! Well, I'll catch you|later, okay? I've gotta go|and help Jane.
I'm not Patrick, I'm Ivan.
Ha ha.
Fooled you there.
Just playing my big joke.
I hope you're not gonna blame|all this on Patrick Because I'm not Patrick, Because, if you see,|when you think about it, You've got no reason|to believe that I am Patrick.
None at all.
No, no, no.
|Ha ha.
You can't prove a thing.
There you are, Patrick! Who are you talking to? Hello, Patrick's friend.
I'll be off, then.
|Off? Yeah, I've got business.
|Oh, that's a pity.
I thought we could go|on the pull together.
You know, I'm really|in the mood tonight.
You've still got my flat key,|haven't you? Yeah.
Yes, I have.
Well, when you've finished|your silly old business, Why don't you meet me there.
And, who knows,|maybe I'll bring a friend.
Yes.
Yes, you stay here|and, you know, whatever, And I'll go to your flat|and erase all my bad memories.
Time I did that.
you're so funny.
See you later, okay? Okay.
Wish me luck.
Yeah, luck.
Lots.
Okay.
Threesome, three in a bed.
Giant breast octopus.
Take me now.
Hello, Jeff.
Hello hello, Lynda.
So, got any plans|for the rest of the evening? First of all, I'm going to talk about me.
Well, you're awake.
I've had a long look|inside myself.
I've been peeling back The trembling, delicate petals|of my special selfness, And I've uncovered nine separate|layers of inner identity, Which I'd like to share|with you in ascending order.
Jane.
|Yes, Susan? Choose life.
But to cut a long|and beautiful story short here's what I've decided|about my career.
A lot of people think that|being a television presenter Is the easiest job in the world.
Well, everybody's wrong,|and I don't mind saying it, Because there's being a|children's television presenter! That's gotta be|the easiest thing ever.
You just have to waggle|your head a lot and shout.
Anyway, I've got|this audition coming up, And I just know I could do it.
I need you guys|to help me prepare.
So, say "hello" to aunt Jane And her little helper Jake.
Hello, everybody! Oh, my God,|it's a penis! It's not a penis.
It's a snake.
Snake, penis.
|What's the difference? You are cute.
Oh, sure you start off keen,|but it never lasts.
I can see your lips moving.
What are you talking about? Yeah, what's mr.
Drippy|saying? Did you really used|to go out with this guy? I'm just saying that when Jake's|talking, I can tell it's you.
Ah, but you see,|Steve, it is me.
Jake's not real.
Yes, I got that.
It's just really obvious|it's you.
Well, of course it's obvious.
This is a sock.
|Socks can't talk, Steve.
You're not being really|perceptive or anything.
You're supposed to talk|without moving your lips.
Don't be ridiculous.
How would anyone understand|what I was saying? Yeah, answer that,|mr.
Floppy head.
I do not have a floppy head|anymore.
She makes me gel.
Who's talking about|your hair, sunshine? What's funny? That was quite funny,|actually.
Hey, big news!|Hold the front page! Sensible Susan's got|a sense of humor.
Ah, now that's unfair.
Susan's very funny.
|She's always making me laugh.
Yeah, but usually just her walk.
Her walk? Her bouncy walk.
You know, boing boing boing.
I don't have|a bouncy walk.
It's a lovely bouncy walk.
I don't know why|i don't walk like that.
You have breasts.
That snake is just getting|out of hand.
Oh, and here she is.
|It's Sally Harper.
"Oh, I look so old today.
|Oh, I look so ugly today.
" Stop your pathetic whining|for God's sake! My God, Susan! I'm being|criticized by a talking penis.
It's okay, Sally.
It took me three years|of counseling To stop having that nightmare.
Jane, are you absolutely certain|you told us everything you took? Yeah, yeah,|just paracetamol.
Right.
Or whatever they were.
Because you're always getting|pills at parties, aren't you? And I don't like to label|everything in my medicine cabinet.
You'd never have any surprises.
This week's top tip|from children's hour.
Okay, and can I just clarify what are we supposed to be doing|to help you with your audition? Well, there's this guy who does|this art program for preschoolers.
Well, he got caught|buying drugs last week, So he's been promoted|to proper television.
That means there's a vacancy,|and I just know I could do it.
And we help you how? I need practice.
What I was thinking was|you all pretend to be kids, And do lovely paintings of me, And I suggest improvements.
Good plan, huh? Well, I think we should do that|in a lovely, calming way.
Sorry, you mean,|we're gonna calm down The most self-obsessed woman|in the world By sitting around|doing paintings of her, While she has a conversation|with her own right hand? Self-obsessed? Steve, I'm in no way|self-obsessed.
Give me a break,|you deluded bitch! What?! You're nervous, Jeff.
Is it me that's making|you nervous? I'm always this nervous.
You're just closer.
|You can see it better.
I've always found you|very attractive.
Did you know that? Oh.
So, when you said did I have|any plans for the evening, You didn't just want the sofa? No.
Oh, people usually|just want the sofa.
Do you find me attractive? Well, yeah.
Obviously.
There's nothing obvious|about it.
You know, women get insecure,|too, you know.
Really?|Of course.
I'm always worried|my breasts are too small.
Don't be daft.
You know what,|as long as you've got breasts, It doesn't matter|which way they're facing.
Uh, I i don't mean that yours|are facing backwards.
You're just flat-chested.
oh, thank you.
Um, um.
What|what about Patrick? Patrick? Oh, he's gone.
Yeah, I know.
|I was sorry to hear about that.
What do you mean? It's just that Patrick|doesn't like to be tied down.
Oh, he does, you know.
Oh, no.
I just meant That was nice,|wasn't it? Uh, it was brilliant.
I like kissing,|don't you? Oh, yeah.
|Especially the tongues part.
I love getting|all that extra tongue.
You know, sometimes I eat|really cold ice cream Just so that my tongue goes numb,|and it feels like someone else's.
But we all get lonely sometimes.
Jeff, how do you feel|about threesomes? Th-Th-Threesomes? You know, threesomes.
|Three in a bed.
I really fancy|a threesome tonight.
I mean, do you? What do you think? Oh, that would be that would be like|that would be like an octopus.
Well, then let's not waste|any time, shall we? Wait, but there's just two of|us, which is great, obviously.
I mean, that's like a whole|one more than normal, but don't worry.
I think I know where|there's someone hot and waiting.
Oh, brilliant!|Fantastic! Superb! And remember,|don't be intimidated.
About what? Well, Patrick.
Why would I be intimidated|about Patrick? Well, he's a big boy,|isn't he? I can take Patrick.
Ooh! You have no right to say that.
|That is completely unfair.
I'm in no way self-obsessed.
You are the most self-obsessed|human being who ever lived! I am not self-obsessed.
Sweetheart, you're having this|whole conversation with yourself! Well, so are you! So, what do we do? Well, it's bound|to wear off eventually.
What is?|Being Jane? Excuse me, I was told|i could find Jane.
|Jeremy.
I've been looking|for you everywhere.
What's happened? We announced there was going|to be a new traffic girl, And the switchboard|has been jammed all afternoon.
Really? I've been doing|some research.
It turns out you've got|a lot of supporters.
I thought it was just me,|but there are a lot of people That realize you're|not nearly as mad as you seem.
Oh, that's wonderful.
How have I ever managed to make|so many wonderful friends? You use your breasts! Shut up, Jake! What is that? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
I'm so excited.
|Congratulations.
Hey, is this the guy who keeps|sneaking looks up your skirt? Well, hi there,|mr.
Not-Getting-It-At-Home.
What is that? It's a talking snake.
A what? These things happen.
I've not been looking up|your skirt.
Of course you haven't.
|I never said you did.
Oh, please, you've got the|hots for her, and you know it.
It's the reason you gave her|the job in the first place.
How dare you!|Yes, how dare you! I'll handle this, Jeremy.
You can't talk|to Jeremy like that! I am the snake of truth,|and I will not be silenced! Right, well,|that's settled, then.
So, you're re-employing Jane.
|That's great.
You've gone mad.
|I am not mad.
Oh, my God, I'm naked! I'm going.
|This woman is completely insane.
Not at all.
|It's just her right arm.
The rest of her's fine.
Yeah, this is the sanest|Jane's ever been.
The thing is, Jane isn't|herself at the moment.
She's been taking drugs.
Okay, that didn't|really help, did it? I don't care how many sad|bastards phone in supporting you.
I don't care how many|people at the station Think you're some kind|of wacky asset, I'm going to the station and|telling them it's me or you.
I have worked over 18 years|and am a personal friend Of the chief executive|and the owner.
I'm one of the most respected|people in this industry, And you have reasonably|attractive breasts.
I think we both know what|the result will be.
Excuse me.
Oh, dear.
That didn't go|very well, did it? Is the snake gone now? I think so.
Oh, never mind.
At least you've still got the|audition for the other thing.
It's not reporting traffic,|though, is it? I like reporting traffic, And tomorrow morning,|someone else Is going to be talking about all|those traffic jams instead of me.
Can you imagine anything|more disappointing than that? Hi.
Just thought I'd get ready.
Are you alone? Say "hello"|to your new playmate.
Hi.
for our traffic report, new to meet this morning.
Good morning, traffic.
Snake, and before we get started, to Jeremy Phillips this morning.
You just don't have the breasts.
your mind up We'll never Get started And I don't want to wind up broken-hearted So if you really love me,|say yes And please don't tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps