Crashing (2016) s02e05 Episode Script
Too Good
1 If you get food from a food truck that isn't good, you go up to complain, and they're, like, - three blocks away.
- Your jokes are funnier now that they're not my problem.
[LAUGHS.]
My boyfriend and I, we just took our relationship to the next level.
We broke up.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- That was great.
- Did you get your tape? - Oh, uh, no.
I hate this place.
It's like a hunted ski lodge.
I think you should take me home.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [SNORING.]
Definitely, you know, take a minute or two to get your stuff together.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Hey.
Do you understand how creepy it is that you're still in my space? What was about him? He's just got this, like, star quality.
Some people are just born with it.
Or maybe they get it later, I don't know.
[SIGHS.]
I don't think so.
Great live comedy show? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Great live comedy? - [BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
Great live comedy.
Great live show.
Great live show.
[HORNS HONKING.]
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it.
You got a napkin? Yeah, of course.
You got a lot of napkins.
KENNY: I'm a napkin guy.
- KEITH: Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey.
Lucas Brothers.
- What up? - I'm I'm a really big fan.
It's really nice I'm a fan of both of you guys.
Well, it would be kind of weird if you were a just fan of one of us.
Yeah, we haven't released any solo records yet.
- [LAUGHS.]
- But thanks, man.
- I'm a comic.
Well, I'm trying to be.
- All right.
They got me actually I'm handing out flyers for the comedy club the Boston.
I mean, if you guys wanna go up, the show's working right now if you wanna pop on.
You wanna go to the Boston? - No.
No, no, no.
- KENNY: No.
- KEITH: No.
- I I don't understand.
It Why? Here's the thing, man.
We don't really perform in places like that.
Places like what? Comedy clubs? - Dude, we don't do clubs.
- No.
No, we're alt-guys.
You know what I mean? We're alternative comics.
- Alternative clubs.
- Yes.
I Everybody's told me that you gotta get in at the clubs, gotta get your foot in and It's rough, but you grind out, you get a little bit better every day, right? I mean I guess, but there's some crowds you don't wanna kill for, and if you stay in clubs like that, you might become a comic like that.
KENNY: I mean, I kinda feel like there are comedians - who called people "fag" in high school - Mm-hmm.
then there are comedians who got called "fag.
" - That's right.
That's right.
- And the alt-scene is for the comedians who got called "fag.
" Did you? Get called "fa" yeah.
- Yeah.
- See? - On the way here, actually.
- KEITH: Of course.
- LUCAS BROTHERS: There you go.
- KENNY: Say no more.
- We got to we got to go.
- We got a bit, man.
- Okay.
- Good luck, man.
I Really, thank you.
- Hey, Jay.
- What's up, buddy? Um, I was wondering if it's okay, uh, I thought maybe tomorrow night you'd be okay without me.
- Without you? - Yeah, I just I You mean take the night off? I wanna take the night off if that's okay.
Off? Yeah, of course.
Why not take tomorrow night off? Sure, of course.
Since we work at Jamba Juice, just have Becky cover your shift.
Pete, this is comedy.
You gotta get up every night, man.
No, I'm gonna go to a comedy show.
I'm gonna go.
It's just I'm not I don't wanna come here.
- Oh.
- I I wanna go to the alt-scene.
- Oh, the alt-scene.
- Yeah.
Oh good.
Okay.
All right.
Well, yeah, no, sure.
I mean, if you wanna go watch a pack of nerds lightly tickle the audience with a feather, suit yourself.
Sorry, I I just want to do something - Have you been to an alt-show? - Have I been? I've been to a Chinese restaurant where a show broke out that was alternative to funny, just five guys in glasses in flannels talking about their journaling.
Have I witnessed that brand of comedy terrorism? Yeah, I've seen that.
No thanks.
I don't need to see five brats from Williamsburg shitting on whatever the hell their parents handed them.
You Okay, I'm just letting you know, tomorrow night - Yeah.
- someone else can take my corner.
Sure.
Absolutely.
I'd happily fill your slot.
It'll be waiting for you when you come back in the year 2090 after you're done fake-laughing at Morrissey references and sipping Pabst Blue Ribbon out of a paper bag, you fucking wuss! Do you wanna come? It sounds like you wanna come.
[BELL JINGLES.]
JO: Uh, I found out I turned 30, I realized, you know, everything's pretty easy.
There's no There's no gray areas.
It's all pretty black and white.
[LAUGHTER.]
JO: Anyways, so if you need any advice, just let me know.
Like, for example, I got into the elevator the other day, I was alone, and so I farted, which is legal, you know? But I I got out at the lobby, and then someone I knew came into that same elevator car.
Now, that's a tricky situation, 'cause the doors are closing, buttons are being pushed.
I mean, what can you do? You know, and so then So what can you do? You send an email, you know? SUBJECT: "I'm sorry.
" BODY: "It was me.
" - [LAUGHTER.]
- "My body my body did that.
" So anyway, guys, I think this was really helpful for you, and thank you guys so much.
Keep it going for Lizzy, everybody.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Guys, keep it going for Jo! She popped out her Invisalign for this! [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES.]
This is a nice, intimate room.
Do you think Abraham Lincoln liked the play he was watching, or was he like, "Somebody put me out of my misery?" - [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
Uh, I have to say out of all the addresses, my favorite address is Gettysburg and my least favorite address is, "Hey, bitches.
" - [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES.]
- Don't address me that way! I thought we were friends.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES.]
All right, are we ready for our next act? - [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
- I am so excited.
Please welcome to the stage the hilarious Ali Reissen! [CHEERING.]
- Woo! - ALI: Thank you.
Lizzy Cooperman, there she is.
Best topknot in Brooklyn.
Fun fact about Lizzy: she studied piano at Juilliard.
She was taught by Cookie Monster.
[LAUGHTER.]
Do you guys like impressions? - MAN: Woo! - Okay, cool.
So, okay, here's my first one.
This is my impression of a pretentious orphan.
Okay, this is a pretentious orphan.
[LAUGHS.]
Do you know who my father is? [LAUGHTER.]
Okay, this is my impression of Meryl Streep - Sorry.
- trying to take a compliment.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
ALI: Are you okay? You seem a little [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, Ali.
- Hey.
- Pete.
Yeah.
Hang on one sec.
Pete from the other night.
Yeah.
Hey.
- Great set.
- Thank you.
- Killer.
- Thank you.
Really.
I haven't - You owned the room.
- Oh, thank you.
- Really funny.
- Thanks.
- Still trying to make a tape? - Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know.
It can be hard.
I just I feel like I'm a lot more natural when I'm not taping myself.
- Curse of the tape.
- Yeah.
- Sorry about the other, uh, other day.
- Yes! - Really glad you said something.
- Right? - Yeah.
- If it's any consultation - "Lation.
" - Consolation.
[GIGGLES.]
Yeah.
"Consultation" is for hair.
Yeah, yeah, if I could give you a brief consultation - [LAUGHS.]
Please don't.
- Uh, I'm new at all this.
I-I I know it might have seemed a little creepier than I intended it.
- Yeah.
- I so, I - Are sorry.
You're sorry.
- I I are sorry.
- [LAUGHS.]
You are sorry.
- Toys "R" Us.
I are sorry.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- And wow.
Yeah.
I'm also sorry.
I We both could've been our better selves in that situation, so I'm sorry, too.
I'm also sorry 'cause I truly do have to run right now.
- Oh.
- I have a show.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah, so - No problem.
It was good - I Okay.
Yeah.
Have Unless Do you wanna come with me to my show? - Now? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- To my show? I would love to come, love to see another show.
All right.
Okay, guys, I gotta go.
- Bye, great to see you.
- Very funny.
- You were so funny.
- Oh, thanks.
I love your long shirt, that's cool.
- Thanks.
- Okay, yeah, don't talk to them.
[RATTLING.]
I feel I feel like if an elf If an elf trips at the North Pole, they give him a candy cane.
Uh oh.
It's sad but sweet.
Sad Yeah, 'cause he's a little disabled.
It's the only candy based on medical equipment.
Yeah, right? That's like, um That's like a dad joke.
- I like Dad jokes.
- No, I That does not surprise me.
That's completely your vibe.
You're kind of like a You're kind of like a dorky dad at a barbecue.
That's kind of your essence.
Like a Tom Arnold character in the '90s.
Yeah.
Yes! To be honest, of all the things I could be, I don't mind being a fun like, a fun dad.
- Can I have that? - Yeah.
- I may? - Yeah.
My gift to you.
Is this, um Is this your last spot or you doing No, I have this one and then, um, two more after.
- Two, really? - [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
- In one night? - Yeah.
Wow.
My record in one night is, uh, is one.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I can't even think I don't know four places in the same night to go up.
That's insane.
Why do you live in the city? That's the whole point of New York, is you can, like, bounce around to different spots.
How long have you been doing comedy? Uh, well, short answer, three years, but I've been more focused the past couple of months.
My, uh, my wife, I was - Your wife? - My ex-wife.
Sorry.
- Whoa.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
All right.
- You're not an adulteress.
- Okay.
good.
[LAUGHS.]
- She is.
- Oh! Oh no.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
BOTH: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
- She, uh, she had an affair There was a whole thing And because I'm now single, for the first time in my life, I'm doing a lot more sets.
Totally.
You channel the pain into performing.
- But I also - I totally get that.
Is Why did you get into stand-up? I don't know.
My parents, they work together, and they both cheated on each other.
Yeah.
So, it was like this really weird household.
Actually, I kind of tried to start talking about this on stage.
But my so, my mom was cheating on my dad with this guy who had a really long, gross, gray ponytail, like a sex commune ponytail.
It was braided into a tip.
You know what I mean? - Oh no.
- He wore a lot of turquoise jewelry.
It was really rough.
And I didn't know that that was happening, but I did notice that my dad started to try to grow his own ponytail, but he couldn't, his hair just doesn't do that, so he had this little, like, broccoli floret.
- But he did it for your mom? - He did it to get my mom back.
- Woo! - Yeah, so that'll fuck you up for good, and make you go into stand-up.
- Your parents are still together? - Unfortunately.
Yeah, really, they're hanging on by a thread Not even a not even something as thick as a thread.
A ponytail.
A thin, wiry ponytail.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
That's not a train laugh.
I need to hold it in.
[CHUCKLES.]
WILL: Let's give a nice shout out to Kenny DeForest - for quitting high school basketball.
- MAN: Yeah.
Hey, also, keep it going for black Bart Simpson, everybody.
I think this guy is really something special.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Give it up for adult Bart Simpson.
- [LAUGHS.]
- WILL: Give it up for Lisa.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Oh shit.
Ali brought this Paul Bunyan-looking motherfucker through.
He just got cut by the Utah Jazz, man.
Hey, Jimmy Jones' nephew, everybody, invented the chest pass.
America's first center.
CLARK: Do it like your daddy.
Is this even legal? I mean, it's like a college party.
WILL: I like how everyone in the crowd At my college, we didn't have parties.
We had prayer parties.
Some times we'd We'd swing dance.
Fun excuse to touch a lady's waist.
I bet they'd put you up, actually.
[LAUGHTER.]
Really? Uh, yeah.
ALI: Yeah, like five minutes.
- Oh! Hi, Guinevere! - Oh! Hi! - How's it going? - Have you up in two.
- Okay, cool.
- Who's this tall drink of vodka soda? Do I know you? I feel like I know you.
Have we met before? I I don't think so.
I'm a comedian.
- I I'm Pete.
- Hmm.
Why don't I know you? I I don't know.
Is this is your room? You book this room? Yeah.
Yeah.
And Whiplash, Bar Chooch, and the Candle Factory.
- I mean - I don't know what those words are.
Are you from out of town? - No, no, he lives here.
- Uh, yeah.
He could he could probably go up if you guys have room.
- Only if you have room.
- Hmm.
We'll see.
Efron! I'm counting your Michelobs.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I do have body dysmorphia.
I think I get it from my grandma.
She always told me that I had cankles.
She was like, "You have cankles," which if you don't know what that is, it's part calf, part ankle.
Also you can throw my thighs in the mix.
I have thankles.
And, uh And my grandmother said that to me, and I was like, "Oh, that's crazy, 'cause, Grandma, you have mount.
" She's like, "What is that?" I'm like, "That's 'mouth' mixed with 'cunt.
' You have cunt mouth.
" Do you guys like impressions? Great.
Here we go.
They say that cockroaches will survive the nuclear holocaust.
So so what is in Raid that's worse than a nuclear holocaust? [LAUGHTER.]
And should I be keeping it in the pantry next to my dry goods? [LAUGHTER.]
Sorry.
I know this is weird for a comedian to say, - but I'm not used to laughing.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
I should I should take you with me to other clubs, so you should see how that joke normally does.
- MAN: Woo! - [LAUGHTER.]
I I don't know.
This is I I don't have kids.
I was talking with a friend of mine.
I don't I don't have kids, but doesn't it kinda feel like I do? - [LIGHT LAUGHTER.]
- MAN: Yeah! Yeah, I don't have any, but I kinda feel like a like an embarrassing dad, like a dorky like an embarrassing dad at a barbecue, just kinda going up to the kids, going [DORKY LAUGH.]
- "Fresca!" Like that.
- [LAUGHTER.]
He's funny, right? He'll be funny in three years.
MAN: A girlfriend of mine made me - Yeah.
- That was so fun.
- You had a great set.
- Yeah, it was That was like the best set I've ever had.
- Really? That's awesome.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, of course.
What about you? That was a great set.
- Did you you get your tape? - Nah.
I flubbed a bit.
God, I wish I had taped mine.
I did.
Yeah, I just left it running.
- What? - Really, it was fine.
It's so easy.
- Thank you.
- You're so welcome.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I wonder how you look when you sleep Do you still dream about girls from your street? Do you still dream about girls from high school? Do you still dream about girls, girls, girls? So what? Where next? We're going to Rififi.
Oh! Rififi! - Say it again.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Do you think they'll let me up or - Nope.
[LAUGHS.]
I've created a monster.
They will not let you up.
It took me like two years to get in there.
- Really? - Yup.
You know, when I was married, I used to do mikes in the city, and I would send her photos of the Empire State building - to show her what color it was that night.
- [CHUCKLES.]
This is a good one.
[BOAT HORN BLARES.]
Is that your flirt strategy, just bringing up your ex-wife? [LAUGHS.]
- No, I I - It's fine.
It's fine.
- It's quite a dick pick.
- Yes.
What did she text back? Just like a photo of the Holland Tunnel? [LAUGHS.]
No, she wasn't She wasn't really She didn't do bits.
Hmm.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
That's a bummer.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm just kind of getting used to being a divorcé.
I'm a divorcé.
I don't think that's a great word for it.
It sounds like a happy thing, like fiancé, Beyoncé, or Kanye.
- These are happy - Right, right.
It's a happy It feels like it should be a happy word.
Than [DEEP VOICE.]
"Oh, I'm a divorcé.
" - [LAUGHS.]
- [NORMAL VOICE.]
Like a pile of laundry.
- Waiting to be cleaned.
- [LAUGHS.]
I never really noticed that it changed.
That's Caribbean Week.
It's my favorite.
[LAUGHS.]
Of course you have a favorite.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You know, Oprah Winfrey you would think out of all the years, the most powerful lady, richest, but I've never in my life have ever heard of another child named Oprah.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Have you though? I mean, have you ever? - Something to think about.
- MAN 2: I mean, I bet there is one.
- But where? I guess you could - But where? - I mean, I would guess Maryland.
- Alex.
Let me ask.
Alex, is there more Oprahs out there other than the main Oprah? Alex.
[LAUGHTER.]
You guys ready for 30-second stand-up comedy? - Let's hear it! - [CHEERING.]
- One, two, three, four! - ALL: 30 seconds, 30 seconds 30 seconds of stand-up 30 seconds, 30 seconds 30 seconds of stand-up Comedy in Go, Eugene, go! Um, a friend of mine recently told me that when we were in elementary school, our teacher told her to not be my friend because I was a loser.
[LAUGHTER.]
- EUGENE: And then to prove - [WHISPERS.]
I got a good spot.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, it's gonna be great.
- Oh, cool.
- EUGENE: Showed her my test scores - You okay? - Uh, not really.
I was supposed to go up next, but John Mulaney just dropped in, so now I'm probably gonna miss Whiplash.
- Oh.
- It's really shitty.
- Shit.
Maybe - Yeah.
Is there something we can do? [SIGHS.]
It's fine.
I'll figure it out.
I know that if you wanted to show that I was bad at math, it'd be very easy, but what's the test that shows you're a loser? Like, was the question like, "What's your favorite food?" And I was like, "Sour cream.
" [LAUGHTER.]
"Who's your favorite band?" "My rabbi.
" "If you could be friends with anyone living or dead, who would it be?" "Henry Kissinger.
" [LAUGHTER.]
- EUGENE: See? - [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Yeah, you want to try something? BOBBY: There's something new I've been doing for the last five years, EUGENE: Yeah? BOBBY: But this is called a friendship call I'm sorry.
Excuse me, John.
Hello.
My friend, Ali Reissen.
Do you know her? - No.
- She's a very, very funny comedian.
She was gonna go next, but then you bumped her, which is obviously fine.
But we were just wondering if you could go after her, 'cause she has a spot that she has to get to after this.
I can't do that.
I have a 10:45 spot.
That's the only reason I asked to bump her.
It would mean a lot to her.
It would mean a lot to me.
I'm a huge it's you're like our comedy Kennedy.
This is exciting for me.
I'm a really big fan.
Oh! So you didn't hear what I just said.
No, I heard you.
I'm just wondering The reason I bumped her is 'cause I need something.
To undo the bump would be to take away the thing I want.
Why would I do that? And who are you in all this? And what are you to her that you walk over to me on her behalf? No, I'm trying I'm trying to impress her.
I I'm I'm a comic.
Great.
Do you have a business card? - No, I - That was a put-down.
I'm sorry.
My dad just told me if you want something, you gotta ask for it.
- Oh.
- So, I saw you Your dad sounds like an idiot.
Is he like a salt-of-the-earth type person? Hi.
What's going on? - Are you Ali? - What are you doing? I am.
Hi.
I am very sorry for bumping you, but I have to get somewhere, so I was just seeing if he would swap with you so you could get to your show on time.
- We're talking about it.
- N oh, I'm I'm so sorry.
- I did not ask him - Oh, you don't have to apologize.
I fully know it's him.
Yeah.
Can I [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- What are you doing? - What do you mean? I I'm trying to help.
But I didn't ask you to.
- I I'm sorry.
- Right, but if I wanted him to switch, I would've just asked him to switch.
I didn't need you to step in and Suge Knight the situation.
I didn't hit him with an SUV.
I'm trying to help you with your problem.
It's kinda not how this works, Pete.
- Okay.
- So - I just - It's fine.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
[LAUGHTER.]
I was walking on West 12th Street I was downtown, I was on West 12th Street, and I was downtown.
I was walking one afternoon.
I was downtown.
I'm walking towards this guy, he's walking towards me, and we're downtown.
And as he walks past me, he's on his cell phone, and I hear him say, "No, no, no, I can't meet right now.
I'm way uptown.
" And then he looked at me, he winked, and he kept walking.
The greatest person I've ever met in my whole life.
Greatest person I've ever he should be declared mayor of New York City.
Automatic mayor, even if he's had a sex scandal, which he probably has if that's how he conducts himself on a day-to-day basis, if he's lying about his whereabouts at two o'clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday while eye-high-fiving random guys on the street.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN: Please put your hands together for Ali Reissen, everybody! [CHEERING.]
How are you? I'm wearing overalls.
Take it in.
[LAUGHTER.]
I always feel, like when I wear overalls, I feel like a hipster toddler.
You know? "Mommy, can we pwease listen to Chance da Wapper?" - [LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
Do you guys like impressions? - [CHEERING.]
- Cool.
This is Meryl Streep trying to take a compliment.
So it's Meryl Streep, she's really trying to take a compliment.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Oh! Oh! No! No! No! No, no, no! - You, you, you, you, you! - [LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
You, you, you! - You, you, you, you! No! - Too good! - You, you! You! - Pete: Too good! - Too good! - You! You make the best guacamole! You! [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Oh! [BEEPS.]
ALI [ON VIDEO.]
: This is Meryl Streep trying to take a compliment.
- [PETE LAUGHING LOUDLY ON VIDEO.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
PETE: Too good! It's a good set.
- [PETE LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
- Ali [ON VIDEO.]
: No! No! No! Is that you? - ALI [ON VIDEO.]
: No! No! No! - I I mean - Is that your laugh? - PETE [ON VIDEO.]
: Too good! ALI: Are you saying, "Too good"? You, you, you! Yeah, I think that's that's me.
I must've been right by the camera.
Your laugh just ruined my tape.
PETE [ON VIDEO.]
: Too good! - ALI [ON VIDEO.]
: You! You! - [BEEPS.]
I I thought laughing loud would help Would help to get the crowd going.
I-I Getting them going? What are you talking about? They were amazing! You can't even hear them, though, over you! - I'm so sorry.
- Oh my God.
- I - Fucking sucks, man.
That sucks.
That sucks.
Sorry, but, you know, we got Whiplash, we got another one.
- We'll get a good tape from there.
- No.
You still have a shot.
We still We can do this.
- Pete.
- What? I think we should call it.
Okay, I I fucked up.
I fucked up.
- Yeah.
- And I just let me make it right.
I'll set up the camera.
I'll set up the camera.
I don't you're not Pete, I appreciate the sentiment.
I don't need your help in this pursuit.
I just wanna get my tape.
I was so close, and it's fucked, and that sucks, so just let me go do my thing.
I won't laugh.
I'll laugh normal.
I'll laugh like - [LAUGHS.]
These are fun, silly laughs.
- Pete I hear what you're I hear what you're saying! I don't need your help with Mulaney! I don't need your help with my tape.
I'm great on my own.
I know I fucked up with Mulaney.
I'm so good, and I don't resent you.
I'm fine! [BRAKES SCREECH.]
[MAN SIGHS.]
Come on.
CONDUCTOR [ON P.
A.
.]
: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, there's maintenance on the train ahead.
We have a delay on the track, and we should be moving again momentarily.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MUTTERS.]
Shit.
- Hey.
- Seriously? I know.
Would it be okay to help you right now? - What? - The last stop was Union Square, right? This this is almost 6th Avenue.
That means we're only a few blocks away.
We're in the middle of a tunnel.
We're not.
I can see the station from here.
- Just forget it.
Please just go away.
- Look.
Just go! You don't have to like me.
I get it.
I understand.
Just let me help you and you never have to see me again.
I just wanna get you to your show, okay? Let me let me fix this.
- Okay.
- Yes, yes.
- Okay.
Just follow me.
- [MUTTERS.]
[SCOFFS.]
ALI: Ah! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
- What are you doing? - I saw this in John Wick 2.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh my God.
ALI: Oh shit.
[GRUNTS.]
Whoa! [LAUGHING.]
ALI: Go, go, go, go, go! - [MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
All right, folks.
She's hilarious, and she's here.
Ali Reissen, everybody! [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Sorry I'm late.
Oh boy.
I'm winded.
[SIGHS, BREATHES HARD.]
Hey.
- How are you guys? - [CHEERING.]
Nice.
Nice.
I-I have a roommate still.
Yeah.
Anybody else compromising their living situations? - [APPLAUSE.]
- Okay, yeah! She told me that she grew up believing that women lose their virginity whenever their hymen breaks.
And I'm like, "That's crazy.
Like, if that's the case", "I lost my virginity when I was at gymnastics camp, when I was 11 years old, and I slept with my coach.
" So I don't know was it very successful? [LAUGHTER.]
Do you guys like impressions? I can hold out My luck is bound to change One of these days It's too good.
It's too good! PETE: Don't.
- Too good! - No, no, no, no! There's nothing upon me And I've got to - It's laundry day.
- [LAUGHTER.]
A lot of guys will try to fight me, 'cause I'm stealing their jobs.
A guy said, "I'm gonna tear you a new asshole.
" [LAUGHTER.]
And I said, "I'm a robot.
I don't have an asshole.
" So maybe that would be good.
" I think the Transformers franchise is racist.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's a bunch of my people, ashamed of who they are, pretending they're inanimate.
And they're always like, "Joe" we're just doing that so humans aren't scared.
" And I'm like, "Well, you should've thought of that "before you turned into monsters "and destroyed all those cities with your fistfights.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- "'Cause the secret's out.
"You don't have to be a truck anymore.
" - - [LAUGHTER.]
There's nothing upon me [LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]
- Your jokes are funnier now that they're not my problem.
[LAUGHS.]
My boyfriend and I, we just took our relationship to the next level.
We broke up.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- That was great.
- Did you get your tape? - Oh, uh, no.
I hate this place.
It's like a hunted ski lodge.
I think you should take me home.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [SNORING.]
Definitely, you know, take a minute or two to get your stuff together.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Hey.
Do you understand how creepy it is that you're still in my space? What was about him? He's just got this, like, star quality.
Some people are just born with it.
Or maybe they get it later, I don't know.
[SIGHS.]
I don't think so.
Great live comedy show? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Great live comedy? - [BICYCLE BELL RINGS.]
Great live comedy.
Great live show.
Great live show.
[HORNS HONKING.]
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it.
You got a napkin? Yeah, of course.
You got a lot of napkins.
KENNY: I'm a napkin guy.
- KEITH: Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey.
Lucas Brothers.
- What up? - I'm I'm a really big fan.
It's really nice I'm a fan of both of you guys.
Well, it would be kind of weird if you were a just fan of one of us.
Yeah, we haven't released any solo records yet.
- [LAUGHS.]
- But thanks, man.
- I'm a comic.
Well, I'm trying to be.
- All right.
They got me actually I'm handing out flyers for the comedy club the Boston.
I mean, if you guys wanna go up, the show's working right now if you wanna pop on.
You wanna go to the Boston? - No.
No, no, no.
- KENNY: No.
- KEITH: No.
- I I don't understand.
It Why? Here's the thing, man.
We don't really perform in places like that.
Places like what? Comedy clubs? - Dude, we don't do clubs.
- No.
No, we're alt-guys.
You know what I mean? We're alternative comics.
- Alternative clubs.
- Yes.
I Everybody's told me that you gotta get in at the clubs, gotta get your foot in and It's rough, but you grind out, you get a little bit better every day, right? I mean I guess, but there's some crowds you don't wanna kill for, and if you stay in clubs like that, you might become a comic like that.
KENNY: I mean, I kinda feel like there are comedians - who called people "fag" in high school - Mm-hmm.
then there are comedians who got called "fag.
" - That's right.
That's right.
- And the alt-scene is for the comedians who got called "fag.
" Did you? Get called "fa" yeah.
- Yeah.
- See? - On the way here, actually.
- KEITH: Of course.
- LUCAS BROTHERS: There you go.
- KENNY: Say no more.
- We got to we got to go.
- We got a bit, man.
- Okay.
- Good luck, man.
I Really, thank you.
- Hey, Jay.
- What's up, buddy? Um, I was wondering if it's okay, uh, I thought maybe tomorrow night you'd be okay without me.
- Without you? - Yeah, I just I You mean take the night off? I wanna take the night off if that's okay.
Off? Yeah, of course.
Why not take tomorrow night off? Sure, of course.
Since we work at Jamba Juice, just have Becky cover your shift.
Pete, this is comedy.
You gotta get up every night, man.
No, I'm gonna go to a comedy show.
I'm gonna go.
It's just I'm not I don't wanna come here.
- Oh.
- I I wanna go to the alt-scene.
- Oh, the alt-scene.
- Yeah.
Oh good.
Okay.
All right.
Well, yeah, no, sure.
I mean, if you wanna go watch a pack of nerds lightly tickle the audience with a feather, suit yourself.
Sorry, I I just want to do something - Have you been to an alt-show? - Have I been? I've been to a Chinese restaurant where a show broke out that was alternative to funny, just five guys in glasses in flannels talking about their journaling.
Have I witnessed that brand of comedy terrorism? Yeah, I've seen that.
No thanks.
I don't need to see five brats from Williamsburg shitting on whatever the hell their parents handed them.
You Okay, I'm just letting you know, tomorrow night - Yeah.
- someone else can take my corner.
Sure.
Absolutely.
I'd happily fill your slot.
It'll be waiting for you when you come back in the year 2090 after you're done fake-laughing at Morrissey references and sipping Pabst Blue Ribbon out of a paper bag, you fucking wuss! Do you wanna come? It sounds like you wanna come.
[BELL JINGLES.]
JO: Uh, I found out I turned 30, I realized, you know, everything's pretty easy.
There's no There's no gray areas.
It's all pretty black and white.
[LAUGHTER.]
JO: Anyways, so if you need any advice, just let me know.
Like, for example, I got into the elevator the other day, I was alone, and so I farted, which is legal, you know? But I I got out at the lobby, and then someone I knew came into that same elevator car.
Now, that's a tricky situation, 'cause the doors are closing, buttons are being pushed.
I mean, what can you do? You know, and so then So what can you do? You send an email, you know? SUBJECT: "I'm sorry.
" BODY: "It was me.
" - [LAUGHTER.]
- "My body my body did that.
" So anyway, guys, I think this was really helpful for you, and thank you guys so much.
Keep it going for Lizzy, everybody.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Guys, keep it going for Jo! She popped out her Invisalign for this! [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES.]
This is a nice, intimate room.
Do you think Abraham Lincoln liked the play he was watching, or was he like, "Somebody put me out of my misery?" - [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
Uh, I have to say out of all the addresses, my favorite address is Gettysburg and my least favorite address is, "Hey, bitches.
" - [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES.]
- Don't address me that way! I thought we were friends.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [PLAYING DISCORDANT NOTES.]
All right, are we ready for our next act? - [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
- I am so excited.
Please welcome to the stage the hilarious Ali Reissen! [CHEERING.]
- Woo! - ALI: Thank you.
Lizzy Cooperman, there she is.
Best topknot in Brooklyn.
Fun fact about Lizzy: she studied piano at Juilliard.
She was taught by Cookie Monster.
[LAUGHTER.]
Do you guys like impressions? - MAN: Woo! - Okay, cool.
So, okay, here's my first one.
This is my impression of a pretentious orphan.
Okay, this is a pretentious orphan.
[LAUGHS.]
Do you know who my father is? [LAUGHTER.]
Okay, this is my impression of Meryl Streep - Sorry.
- trying to take a compliment.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
ALI: Are you okay? You seem a little [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, Ali.
- Hey.
- Pete.
Yeah.
Hang on one sec.
Pete from the other night.
Yeah.
Hey.
- Great set.
- Thank you.
- Killer.
- Thank you.
Really.
I haven't - You owned the room.
- Oh, thank you.
- Really funny.
- Thanks.
- Still trying to make a tape? - Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know.
It can be hard.
I just I feel like I'm a lot more natural when I'm not taping myself.
- Curse of the tape.
- Yeah.
- Sorry about the other, uh, other day.
- Yes! - Really glad you said something.
- Right? - Yeah.
- If it's any consultation - "Lation.
" - Consolation.
[GIGGLES.]
Yeah.
"Consultation" is for hair.
Yeah, yeah, if I could give you a brief consultation - [LAUGHS.]
Please don't.
- Uh, I'm new at all this.
I-I I know it might have seemed a little creepier than I intended it.
- Yeah.
- I so, I - Are sorry.
You're sorry.
- I I are sorry.
- [LAUGHS.]
You are sorry.
- Toys "R" Us.
I are sorry.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- And wow.
Yeah.
I'm also sorry.
I We both could've been our better selves in that situation, so I'm sorry, too.
I'm also sorry 'cause I truly do have to run right now.
- Oh.
- I have a show.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah, so - No problem.
It was good - I Okay.
Yeah.
Have Unless Do you wanna come with me to my show? - Now? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- To my show? I would love to come, love to see another show.
All right.
Okay, guys, I gotta go.
- Bye, great to see you.
- Very funny.
- You were so funny.
- Oh, thanks.
I love your long shirt, that's cool.
- Thanks.
- Okay, yeah, don't talk to them.
[RATTLING.]
I feel I feel like if an elf If an elf trips at the North Pole, they give him a candy cane.
Uh oh.
It's sad but sweet.
Sad Yeah, 'cause he's a little disabled.
It's the only candy based on medical equipment.
Yeah, right? That's like, um That's like a dad joke.
- I like Dad jokes.
- No, I That does not surprise me.
That's completely your vibe.
You're kind of like a You're kind of like a dorky dad at a barbecue.
That's kind of your essence.
Like a Tom Arnold character in the '90s.
Yeah.
Yes! To be honest, of all the things I could be, I don't mind being a fun like, a fun dad.
- Can I have that? - Yeah.
- I may? - Yeah.
My gift to you.
Is this, um Is this your last spot or you doing No, I have this one and then, um, two more after.
- Two, really? - [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
- In one night? - Yeah.
Wow.
My record in one night is, uh, is one.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I can't even think I don't know four places in the same night to go up.
That's insane.
Why do you live in the city? That's the whole point of New York, is you can, like, bounce around to different spots.
How long have you been doing comedy? Uh, well, short answer, three years, but I've been more focused the past couple of months.
My, uh, my wife, I was - Your wife? - My ex-wife.
Sorry.
- Whoa.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
All right.
- You're not an adulteress.
- Okay.
good.
[LAUGHS.]
- She is.
- Oh! Oh no.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [LAUGHS.]
BOTH: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
- She, uh, she had an affair There was a whole thing And because I'm now single, for the first time in my life, I'm doing a lot more sets.
Totally.
You channel the pain into performing.
- But I also - I totally get that.
Is Why did you get into stand-up? I don't know.
My parents, they work together, and they both cheated on each other.
Yeah.
So, it was like this really weird household.
Actually, I kind of tried to start talking about this on stage.
But my so, my mom was cheating on my dad with this guy who had a really long, gross, gray ponytail, like a sex commune ponytail.
It was braided into a tip.
You know what I mean? - Oh no.
- He wore a lot of turquoise jewelry.
It was really rough.
And I didn't know that that was happening, but I did notice that my dad started to try to grow his own ponytail, but he couldn't, his hair just doesn't do that, so he had this little, like, broccoli floret.
- But he did it for your mom? - He did it to get my mom back.
- Woo! - Yeah, so that'll fuck you up for good, and make you go into stand-up.
- Your parents are still together? - Unfortunately.
Yeah, really, they're hanging on by a thread Not even a not even something as thick as a thread.
A ponytail.
A thin, wiry ponytail.
[LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
That's not a train laugh.
I need to hold it in.
[CHUCKLES.]
WILL: Let's give a nice shout out to Kenny DeForest - for quitting high school basketball.
- MAN: Yeah.
Hey, also, keep it going for black Bart Simpson, everybody.
I think this guy is really something special.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Give it up for adult Bart Simpson.
- [LAUGHS.]
- WILL: Give it up for Lisa.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Oh shit.
Ali brought this Paul Bunyan-looking motherfucker through.
He just got cut by the Utah Jazz, man.
Hey, Jimmy Jones' nephew, everybody, invented the chest pass.
America's first center.
CLARK: Do it like your daddy.
Is this even legal? I mean, it's like a college party.
WILL: I like how everyone in the crowd At my college, we didn't have parties.
We had prayer parties.
Some times we'd We'd swing dance.
Fun excuse to touch a lady's waist.
I bet they'd put you up, actually.
[LAUGHTER.]
Really? Uh, yeah.
ALI: Yeah, like five minutes.
- Oh! Hi, Guinevere! - Oh! Hi! - How's it going? - Have you up in two.
- Okay, cool.
- Who's this tall drink of vodka soda? Do I know you? I feel like I know you.
Have we met before? I I don't think so.
I'm a comedian.
- I I'm Pete.
- Hmm.
Why don't I know you? I I don't know.
Is this is your room? You book this room? Yeah.
Yeah.
And Whiplash, Bar Chooch, and the Candle Factory.
- I mean - I don't know what those words are.
Are you from out of town? - No, no, he lives here.
- Uh, yeah.
He could he could probably go up if you guys have room.
- Only if you have room.
- Hmm.
We'll see.
Efron! I'm counting your Michelobs.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I do have body dysmorphia.
I think I get it from my grandma.
She always told me that I had cankles.
She was like, "You have cankles," which if you don't know what that is, it's part calf, part ankle.
Also you can throw my thighs in the mix.
I have thankles.
And, uh And my grandmother said that to me, and I was like, "Oh, that's crazy, 'cause, Grandma, you have mount.
" She's like, "What is that?" I'm like, "That's 'mouth' mixed with 'cunt.
' You have cunt mouth.
" Do you guys like impressions? Great.
Here we go.
They say that cockroaches will survive the nuclear holocaust.
So so what is in Raid that's worse than a nuclear holocaust? [LAUGHTER.]
And should I be keeping it in the pantry next to my dry goods? [LAUGHTER.]
Sorry.
I know this is weird for a comedian to say, - but I'm not used to laughing.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
I should I should take you with me to other clubs, so you should see how that joke normally does.
- MAN: Woo! - [LAUGHTER.]
I I don't know.
This is I I don't have kids.
I was talking with a friend of mine.
I don't I don't have kids, but doesn't it kinda feel like I do? - [LIGHT LAUGHTER.]
- MAN: Yeah! Yeah, I don't have any, but I kinda feel like a like an embarrassing dad, like a dorky like an embarrassing dad at a barbecue, just kinda going up to the kids, going [DORKY LAUGH.]
- "Fresca!" Like that.
- [LAUGHTER.]
He's funny, right? He'll be funny in three years.
MAN: A girlfriend of mine made me - Yeah.
- That was so fun.
- You had a great set.
- Yeah, it was That was like the best set I've ever had.
- Really? That's awesome.
- Yes.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, of course.
What about you? That was a great set.
- Did you you get your tape? - Nah.
I flubbed a bit.
God, I wish I had taped mine.
I did.
Yeah, I just left it running.
- What? - Really, it was fine.
It's so easy.
- Thank you.
- You're so welcome.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
I wonder how you look when you sleep Do you still dream about girls from your street? Do you still dream about girls from high school? Do you still dream about girls, girls, girls? So what? Where next? We're going to Rififi.
Oh! Rififi! - Say it again.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Do you think they'll let me up or - Nope.
[LAUGHS.]
I've created a monster.
They will not let you up.
It took me like two years to get in there.
- Really? - Yup.
You know, when I was married, I used to do mikes in the city, and I would send her photos of the Empire State building - to show her what color it was that night.
- [CHUCKLES.]
This is a good one.
[BOAT HORN BLARES.]
Is that your flirt strategy, just bringing up your ex-wife? [LAUGHS.]
- No, I I - It's fine.
It's fine.
- It's quite a dick pick.
- Yes.
What did she text back? Just like a photo of the Holland Tunnel? [LAUGHS.]
No, she wasn't She wasn't really She didn't do bits.
Hmm.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
That's a bummer.
I'm I'm sorry.
I'm just kind of getting used to being a divorcé.
I'm a divorcé.
I don't think that's a great word for it.
It sounds like a happy thing, like fiancé, Beyoncé, or Kanye.
- These are happy - Right, right.
It's a happy It feels like it should be a happy word.
Than [DEEP VOICE.]
"Oh, I'm a divorcé.
" - [LAUGHS.]
- [NORMAL VOICE.]
Like a pile of laundry.
- Waiting to be cleaned.
- [LAUGHS.]
I never really noticed that it changed.
That's Caribbean Week.
It's my favorite.
[LAUGHS.]
Of course you have a favorite.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
You know, Oprah Winfrey you would think out of all the years, the most powerful lady, richest, but I've never in my life have ever heard of another child named Oprah.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Have you though? I mean, have you ever? - Something to think about.
- MAN 2: I mean, I bet there is one.
- But where? I guess you could - But where? - I mean, I would guess Maryland.
- Alex.
Let me ask.
Alex, is there more Oprahs out there other than the main Oprah? Alex.
[LAUGHTER.]
You guys ready for 30-second stand-up comedy? - Let's hear it! - [CHEERING.]
- One, two, three, four! - ALL: 30 seconds, 30 seconds 30 seconds of stand-up 30 seconds, 30 seconds 30 seconds of stand-up Comedy in Go, Eugene, go! Um, a friend of mine recently told me that when we were in elementary school, our teacher told her to not be my friend because I was a loser.
[LAUGHTER.]
- EUGENE: And then to prove - [WHISPERS.]
I got a good spot.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, it's gonna be great.
- Oh, cool.
- EUGENE: Showed her my test scores - You okay? - Uh, not really.
I was supposed to go up next, but John Mulaney just dropped in, so now I'm probably gonna miss Whiplash.
- Oh.
- It's really shitty.
- Shit.
Maybe - Yeah.
Is there something we can do? [SIGHS.]
It's fine.
I'll figure it out.
I know that if you wanted to show that I was bad at math, it'd be very easy, but what's the test that shows you're a loser? Like, was the question like, "What's your favorite food?" And I was like, "Sour cream.
" [LAUGHTER.]
"Who's your favorite band?" "My rabbi.
" "If you could be friends with anyone living or dead, who would it be?" "Henry Kissinger.
" [LAUGHTER.]
- EUGENE: See? - [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Yeah, you want to try something? BOBBY: There's something new I've been doing for the last five years, EUGENE: Yeah? BOBBY: But this is called a friendship call I'm sorry.
Excuse me, John.
Hello.
My friend, Ali Reissen.
Do you know her? - No.
- She's a very, very funny comedian.
She was gonna go next, but then you bumped her, which is obviously fine.
But we were just wondering if you could go after her, 'cause she has a spot that she has to get to after this.
I can't do that.
I have a 10:45 spot.
That's the only reason I asked to bump her.
It would mean a lot to her.
It would mean a lot to me.
I'm a huge it's you're like our comedy Kennedy.
This is exciting for me.
I'm a really big fan.
Oh! So you didn't hear what I just said.
No, I heard you.
I'm just wondering The reason I bumped her is 'cause I need something.
To undo the bump would be to take away the thing I want.
Why would I do that? And who are you in all this? And what are you to her that you walk over to me on her behalf? No, I'm trying I'm trying to impress her.
I I'm I'm a comic.
Great.
Do you have a business card? - No, I - That was a put-down.
I'm sorry.
My dad just told me if you want something, you gotta ask for it.
- Oh.
- So, I saw you Your dad sounds like an idiot.
Is he like a salt-of-the-earth type person? Hi.
What's going on? - Are you Ali? - What are you doing? I am.
Hi.
I am very sorry for bumping you, but I have to get somewhere, so I was just seeing if he would swap with you so you could get to your show on time.
- We're talking about it.
- N oh, I'm I'm so sorry.
- I did not ask him - Oh, you don't have to apologize.
I fully know it's him.
Yeah.
Can I [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
- What are you doing? - What do you mean? I I'm trying to help.
But I didn't ask you to.
- I I'm sorry.
- Right, but if I wanted him to switch, I would've just asked him to switch.
I didn't need you to step in and Suge Knight the situation.
I didn't hit him with an SUV.
I'm trying to help you with your problem.
It's kinda not how this works, Pete.
- Okay.
- So - I just - It's fine.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- It's fine.
[LAUGHTER.]
I was walking on West 12th Street I was downtown, I was on West 12th Street, and I was downtown.
I was walking one afternoon.
I was downtown.
I'm walking towards this guy, he's walking towards me, and we're downtown.
And as he walks past me, he's on his cell phone, and I hear him say, "No, no, no, I can't meet right now.
I'm way uptown.
" And then he looked at me, he winked, and he kept walking.
The greatest person I've ever met in my whole life.
Greatest person I've ever he should be declared mayor of New York City.
Automatic mayor, even if he's had a sex scandal, which he probably has if that's how he conducts himself on a day-to-day basis, if he's lying about his whereabouts at two o'clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday while eye-high-fiving random guys on the street.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN: Please put your hands together for Ali Reissen, everybody! [CHEERING.]
How are you? I'm wearing overalls.
Take it in.
[LAUGHTER.]
I always feel, like when I wear overalls, I feel like a hipster toddler.
You know? "Mommy, can we pwease listen to Chance da Wapper?" - [LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
Do you guys like impressions? - [CHEERING.]
- Cool.
This is Meryl Streep trying to take a compliment.
So it's Meryl Streep, she's really trying to take a compliment.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Oh! Oh! No! No! No! No, no, no! - You, you, you, you, you! - [LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
You, you, you! - You, you, you, you! No! - Too good! - You, you! You! - Pete: Too good! - Too good! - You! You make the best guacamole! You! [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Oh! [BEEPS.]
ALI [ON VIDEO.]
: This is Meryl Streep trying to take a compliment.
- [PETE LAUGHING LOUDLY ON VIDEO.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
PETE: Too good! It's a good set.
- [PETE LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
- Ali [ON VIDEO.]
: No! No! No! Is that you? - ALI [ON VIDEO.]
: No! No! No! - I I mean - Is that your laugh? - PETE [ON VIDEO.]
: Too good! ALI: Are you saying, "Too good"? You, you, you! Yeah, I think that's that's me.
I must've been right by the camera.
Your laugh just ruined my tape.
PETE [ON VIDEO.]
: Too good! - ALI [ON VIDEO.]
: You! You! - [BEEPS.]
I I thought laughing loud would help Would help to get the crowd going.
I-I Getting them going? What are you talking about? They were amazing! You can't even hear them, though, over you! - I'm so sorry.
- Oh my God.
- I - Fucking sucks, man.
That sucks.
That sucks.
Sorry, but, you know, we got Whiplash, we got another one.
- We'll get a good tape from there.
- No.
You still have a shot.
We still We can do this.
- Pete.
- What? I think we should call it.
Okay, I I fucked up.
I fucked up.
- Yeah.
- And I just let me make it right.
I'll set up the camera.
I'll set up the camera.
I don't you're not Pete, I appreciate the sentiment.
I don't need your help in this pursuit.
I just wanna get my tape.
I was so close, and it's fucked, and that sucks, so just let me go do my thing.
I won't laugh.
I'll laugh normal.
I'll laugh like - [LAUGHS.]
These are fun, silly laughs.
- Pete I hear what you're I hear what you're saying! I don't need your help with Mulaney! I don't need your help with my tape.
I'm great on my own.
I know I fucked up with Mulaney.
I'm so good, and I don't resent you.
I'm fine! [BRAKES SCREECH.]
[MAN SIGHS.]
Come on.
CONDUCTOR [ON P.
A.
.]
: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, there's maintenance on the train ahead.
We have a delay on the track, and we should be moving again momentarily.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[MUTTERS.]
Shit.
- Hey.
- Seriously? I know.
Would it be okay to help you right now? - What? - The last stop was Union Square, right? This this is almost 6th Avenue.
That means we're only a few blocks away.
We're in the middle of a tunnel.
We're not.
I can see the station from here.
- Just forget it.
Please just go away.
- Look.
Just go! You don't have to like me.
I get it.
I understand.
Just let me help you and you never have to see me again.
I just wanna get you to your show, okay? Let me let me fix this.
- Okay.
- Yes, yes.
- Okay.
Just follow me.
- [MUTTERS.]
[SCOFFS.]
ALI: Ah! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
- What are you doing? - I saw this in John Wick 2.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh my God.
ALI: Oh shit.
[GRUNTS.]
Whoa! [LAUGHING.]
ALI: Go, go, go, go, go! - [MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
All right, folks.
She's hilarious, and she's here.
Ali Reissen, everybody! [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Sorry I'm late.
Oh boy.
I'm winded.
[SIGHS, BREATHES HARD.]
Hey.
- How are you guys? - [CHEERING.]
Nice.
Nice.
I-I have a roommate still.
Yeah.
Anybody else compromising their living situations? - [APPLAUSE.]
- Okay, yeah! She told me that she grew up believing that women lose their virginity whenever their hymen breaks.
And I'm like, "That's crazy.
Like, if that's the case", "I lost my virginity when I was at gymnastics camp, when I was 11 years old, and I slept with my coach.
" So I don't know was it very successful? [LAUGHTER.]
Do you guys like impressions? I can hold out My luck is bound to change One of these days It's too good.
It's too good! PETE: Don't.
- Too good! - No, no, no, no! There's nothing upon me And I've got to - It's laundry day.
- [LAUGHTER.]
A lot of guys will try to fight me, 'cause I'm stealing their jobs.
A guy said, "I'm gonna tear you a new asshole.
" [LAUGHTER.]
And I said, "I'm a robot.
I don't have an asshole.
" So maybe that would be good.
" I think the Transformers franchise is racist.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's a bunch of my people, ashamed of who they are, pretending they're inanimate.
And they're always like, "Joe" we're just doing that so humans aren't scared.
" And I'm like, "Well, you should've thought of that "before you turned into monsters "and destroyed all those cities with your fistfights.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- "'Cause the secret's out.
"You don't have to be a truck anymore.
" - - [LAUGHTER.]
There's nothing upon me [LIGHT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC.]