Crossing Swords (2020) s02e05 Episode Script

1
‐ Right. This race is to
prove what's faster,
a wagon or Barry.
‐ It's also to prove we should
never get a day off.
‐ Patrick, do you wanna
play it safe all your life,
or do you wanna be a fucking legend?
Whoa
‐ You're literally going to die.
‐ First one to the bottom
of the hill wins!
On your marks
Get set
Go!
Yah!
‐ Oh, oh! Whoa!
‐ Ah!
You trying to trade paint with me?!
‐ Knock it off, you fucking asshole!
Oh! Ah!
No, Barry! Come back!
Turn! Turn! Turn!
‐ He's okay!
No!
‐ Oh my god!
Oh
No!
‐ Oh!
‐ Yes!
No!
‐ In all my years of
service to this kingdom,
I've never trained a group
of squires this irresponsible!
You lost a member of your
own squadron on a day off?!
‐ Um, Sgt. Meghan,
we technically know where he is.
He's plummeting endlessly
through space Forever.
‐ Fall back, Broth.
‐ Yep.
‐ Farther.
‐ Got it.
‐ For the record, they lost him.
You know, I voted not to ride
our teammate down a hill.
‐ Patrick, keep snitching,
I'll get to stitching.
You idiots are making me look terrible!
That's why we're here on
Cuddly Monkey Island.
‐ Sarge, e‐excuse me.
Question about the island.
‐ Yes, what is it, Griffin?
‐ It's just that when we trained
on Naked Lady Island,
we were attacked by reptile women
with snakes for hair
and Barry got turned to stone!
So, if Cuddly Monkey Island
is another ironic name,
could we at least get a heads up?
‐ I'm your drill instructor,
not a fucking travel writer!
Fall back with Broth.
Anyway,
I pulled some strings and lined up
a special guest speaker.
Please look towards the water,
as he has requested,
and welcome the legendary
Sir Styles!
Oh my god!
Sir Styles! I wanted to be him
when I was a kid!
‐ Ooh! Remember when he saved
all those differently abled orphans
from that fire started by that
differently abled orphan?
‐ Oh! Nothing sadder than
differently abled orphan on
differently abled orphan crime.
‐ Well, I was into Sir Styles
before he went mainstream.
His early indie knight work,
his absurdist phase.
‐ Not me, man. Just gimme those hits.
I can't wait until these assholes
turn into battlefield statistics.
‐ Why are we doing this?
‐ We're doing it because
I threw a beauty pageant
to find a new queen while
you were in a coma last week,
and according to the gossip rags,
that means our
quote, "marriage is on the rocks."
So, going to this couples'
retreat will slap a fresh coat of paint
onto this rusty old wagon
we call matrimony.
‐ How romantic.
Where is this counselor, uh,
Tumbleweed Scrub Brush?
‐ Willow Sage? She's the best!
‐ Oh?
She made you stop hating each other?
‐ Oh, we never hated each other.
We're working through, uh,
a sexual incompatibility issue!
‐ Anjelica,
let's save that for group!
‐ Willow says it's nothing
to be ashamed of, Urk!
‐ Let me guess. Like trying to thread
a needle with a cannon? Hm?
‐ Yes, but the cannon stays floppy
like a sock full of pudding.
‐ Jesus orc‐murdering Christ!
‐ Roman, if father won't let us marry,
I'll drink poison and die!
‐ Same, Julie.
If my mother tells us to
wait until we're older,
I'll drink poison and die at once.
‐ And if we can't book the church
in May on a Saturday,
buy me a ticket to Poisontown. One way.
‐ Kids, you can't solve all of
life's problems with poison.
‐ Roman, this man's beard is
hideous and it upsets me.
‐ Shall we drink poison?
‐ Jesus Christ.
‐ Nice to see you both again!
‐ Oh, yes! Yes! You!
Oh, yes!
‐ Oh yeah! Oh, you!
Wouldn't be a party without
you two.
‐ They have no idea who we are.
‐ Rich people are so fake.
‐ Well, look at you! Glenn! Doreen!
‐ Oh! Hello!
‐ I tell you what,
it is so nice to see you again.
‐ Oh yeah! Um, you bet you
‐ Who the fuck is that?
‐ I don't know.
‐ He's not a friend of yours?
‐ Yes, I remember every single person
I've ever seen in my life.
He's not one of them.
‐ These are not our people.
Let's get out of here.
Now.
‐ Giddyup.
‐ Hello! I'm Willow Sage!
Don't run off! Have a coconut water.
Share what's in your hearts.
‐ I will be doing precisely none of
those things, you absurd woman.
We're getting out of here.
‐ Oh! I'm afraid that's impossible!
The ships won't return
until love reigns supreme!
Or 5:00 p.m.
‐ In that case, where are
those teenagers with the poison?
‐ A knight must instantly
identify an enemy's weakness.
I'll demonstrate.
Flaky.
‐ Um
‐ Coward.
‐ Oh
‐ Arrogant.
‐ Thank you.
‐ Fuckboi.
‐ Aw
‐ Lazy eye.
‐ Uh, correction. Lazy face.
‐ Tryhard.
‐ Me? I'm a tryhard?
No, we‐we just met!
Okay, let me go to the end
of the line and try again,
and get some good adjectives ready!
‐ May I use the restroom?
‐ Your weakness is your bladder!
‐ It sure is!
Ah!
Sweet dreams, Gary.
Ah! Am I being hazed?!
‐ Welcome to the first‐ever
Sandalwood retreat.
I'll be your guide on this journey through
consciously connected coupledom!
If you feel the need to applaud,
please use your stirring drum.
‐ F this in the A.
‐ Who are you, and why are you here?
‐ Well, this is Glenn.
‐ And she's Doreen.
‐ Like tangerine?
‐ Come on, for that?
‐ We're happily married.
Uh, we're just here to meet other couples.
Whoops! I dropped my keys!
You know what would be handy?
A big bowl we could all put our keys in!
‐ But, what if, at the end of the night,
we took the wrong keys?
‐ I guess we'd have to couple up
with whoever those keys belonged to.
‐ Huh?
‐ Well, moving on. Excuse me,
where's your partner?
‐ Well, I tell you what,
that's kinda why I'm here.
I feel like my girlfriend is
always putting her job
over our relationship.
‐ Oh. And how does that make you feel?
‐ Insignificant. Full of despair.
‐ Love this thing.
‐ There are three rules I live by.
One,
the armor makes the man.
Two,
the real fountain of youth
is daily meditation
and a floppy sun hat. Three,
obey your thirst.
‐ What am I, a beginner?
I'm way past this superficial bullshit.
Broth, what are you even writing down?
‐ Patrick, it's time I told you something.
Whenever you think I'm taking notes,
I am elbow‐deep drawing homemade porno.
‐ Ugh
And now,
we're going to be talking
about the best sword positions
‐ Finally!
‐ to highlight your face in battle!
‐ To what?
‐ Like so! Huh?
And, with your back to the sun,
use your weapon as a bounce card
to find your fill light!
‐ Oh shit!
‐ Sgt. Meghan, this is pointless.
‐ There I go.
‐ In this team‐building exercise,
each couple will use their wooden blocks
to build a house. Begin!
A solid home, much like
a solid relationship
‐ Damn it.
‐ should be built on
a strong foundation.
Support is the key to‐‐
Done!
‐ Well, it wasn't a race.
‐ Come take the tour!
Here's my room. Hm?
This balcony is where I give
my big important speeches about war
and I do my daily sports
talk show with a partner
whose opinions are always
the exact opposite of mine.
And here's my rooftop grotto
where the mint julep
sommelier can oft be found.
And this is the after‐hours
mistress entrance.
‐ I noticed that you haven't mentioned
Tulip's place in this house at all.
It feels like you may be putting
your crown before your marriage.
‐ Why‐why, I, uh, th‐that's not‐‐
‐ And Tulip,
looks like you've disengaged completely.
‐ Oh, I was never engaged.
‐ That's a feature, not a bug.
‐ Strut! Good, good, strut!
You're a knight!
Come on, show me confidence!
Buttocks high and tight, Tobey!
‐ Feeble buttocks game, Tobey!
‐ Fuck off, Broth!
‐ Uh, excuse me, sir,
Gary's not back from
his bathroom break yet.
‐ Oh, look out, gang, we've got
the bathroom police over here!
‐ I'm not the bathroom police!
‐ Uh, tango‐six‐one‐niner,
I'm thinking about Gary's dick
and whether enough pee's come out of it!
Over!
‐ In this resolution role play scenario,
Anjelica is married
to a mariachi musician.
It's their date night,
but he booked a gig.
Even worse,
the plumber is here to fix the sink.
His fee is $1,200!
Now, what are some helpful strategies
Anjelica can use to turn
this relationship speed bump
into a growth moment?
‐ I feel like you're trying to goad me
into saying something racist.
‐ Oh! I know this one!
It's a porn. You fuck the plumber.
‐ Uh, maybe the mariachi's
skipping date night
because she cares more about
the plumbing than his plumbing.
‐ Ehh, we already worked
on your thing, Urk.
You can't maintain
an erection with Anjelica
because Anjelica was the name
of the secretary
that your father ran away with.
‐ I hate you, Dad!
‐ Not for nothing, but if I don't get
to be the plumber next time,
I'm drinking poison.
‐ Our next lesson, hair!
You could be the greatest
knight in the world,
but if you don't look the part,
no one will take you seriously.
Boy! How do you wash your hair?
‐ I take a running start and sprint
through the shower before I can get wet.
‐ Incorrect! Now, the next two hours
will be about styling and product.
‐ Ugh! Are you kidding me?
We wear helmets all day!
Hairstyles are useless to a knight!
‐ I'm sorry, are you a knight?
‐ I'm not a knight,
but I did find all the gems
that pay your salary.
Ooh!
‐ And I did
save the princess from poison tampons,
and I also saved the king and queen
from being kidnapped
and turned into cater‐waiters!
‐ Wow! It sounds like
you've had a lot of achievements.
And yet, somehow,
I don't even know your name!
Do you want to know why?
Because of your fucking hair!
Oh!
‐ You're garbage!
‐ Ha, ha, ha! That's savage.
God damn fucking loser.
How is he a knight?
I should be a fucking knight.
He should work for me. Fucking hair.
Shave my head! Hm?
Then they'll be sorry.
Ah! What the
Ah! Gary!
‐ Thank you all for participating.
And remember, there's only one
secret to a happy relationship,
and that secret is‐‐
‐ Minchacha!
Oh!
‐ Is this part of it?
‐ There are no boats!
They come back at 5:00
or when love reigns supreme!
My money's on 5:00.
‐ Minchacha
‐ If we distract it,
we can run to the cabins.
‐ We need a volunteer. I vote Mark.
‐ What?
‐ Buddy, come on. There is no girlfriend.
‐ Wha‐‐ Glenn, Doreen.
Tell them who I am.
‐ Yep. Classic Mark.
‐ That's our boy. Oh.
‐ Okay, well that's the worst
acting I've ever seen.
‐ You adorable lovebirds are
always promising to kill yourselves.
Now's your time to shine!
‐ Ooh, I, uh, I‐I don't know‐‐
‐ Kill yourself! Kill yourself!
Kill yourself! Kill yourself!
Kill yourself!
‐ Should we both
‐ Oh, I would,
but father says he needs help
with the yard this weekend.
‐ Right. Just me then.
Well, I'm off. Farewell.
I'm going. I'm doing it.
This is the last time
to see me before I die.
‐ I'm so wet, baby!
‐ Minchacha.
‐ I think we should break up.
‐ What?!
‐ Yeah. Um, you said you'd die for me,
and then you
didn't. The spark is gone.
‐ Sweet Jesus. It has friends!
‐ Were we in love or just
enabling each other?
Because‐‐
‐ What are they doing? Oh!
‐ Oh, they're not‐‐ Oh!
‐ Are they
‐ Circle jerking onto the dead bodies?
'Cause I tell you what, it looks like it.
‐ Oh! They're aroused by death!
It's a thing.
‐ Who cares if it's a thing?!
Run!
‐ Oh man, this is gonna be the best
"I told you so" of all time
when I show them Gary's severed head.
"Ooh, we were wrong, Patrick.
Sorry we tried to teach you
stupid bullshit, Patrick."
Ah. What am I doing?
Gary is dead,
and I need to warn the others.
On the other hand, I'm 15 rocks deep.
In for a penny‐‐
‐ Minchacha!
‐ Ah!
Ah!
‐ We're gonna die out here, Tulip.
‐ Our relationship finally killed us.
‐ Promise me something, baby.
If we make it out of this alive,
let's get divorced.
‐ Minchacha.
‐ If this is the end, I'm sorry
that the last thing I said to you
was that we should get divorced.
‐ As long as we're going to die,
let's be a good couple for once.
‐ I'm done putting my crown first.
‐ Agreed.
‐ We put our marriage first,
and it saved our lives!
‐ Shall we finish the job?
‐ Oh god
‐ Minchacha!
Patrick's here!
Everyone, our son is a squire!
He's here to save us!
What?
‐ What a little bitch baby.
‐ The optics are not great.
‐ It's date night, so I rescheduled
the plumber for next week.
‐ Thank you for being proactive.
I see and appreciate it.
‐ How was mariachi practice?
‐ Muy bueno. Gracias, mi amor.
What the hell was that?
‐ Oh! Oh, thank you!
It's a killing field out there.
‐ Mom? Dad? Mark?
‐ Fucking finally!
‐ Those monkeys are cutting us down
like ripe summer wheat!
Gather the troops and counterattack!
‐ There are no troops. There's just me.
The other squires are too
busy braiding each other's hair.
‐ You mean those squires?
‐ Squires ready?
‐ Ha ha!
‐ Oh He was going somewhere
with all that surface‐level shit.
Man, they look awesome!
I let my ego get in the way
like a little know‐it‐all prick.
Now I'm in here, and they're out there.
Oh, hell no!
Time to get on board
with the Styles method.
Frame the face!
‐ Minchacha!
Find your fill light!
Hair is the window to the soul.
Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!
Ha ha, the boys in blue are here!
‐ Look! That one's about to get eaten!
‐ Hm Babe, let me ask you something.
Do you wanna play it safe,
or do you wanna be a fucking legend?
‐ Mm
‐ Fuck! Do these things
have any weaknesses?
Give me some info!
‐ Uh,
th‐they're violent! And horny?
‐ In that order!
‐ What do you mean "in that order"?
‐ Well, no one's gonna say it.
Let me be the first.
The monkeys jack off on corpses.
Outta the way!
Here comes the minchacha express!
Whoa!
‐ Wait! Look at me!
Oh! I'm not feeling so good!
Oh! My heart!
This is the big one!
‐ Keep your mouth closed, boy!
Oh
‐ Minchacha! Minchacha!
‐ Minchacha!
Whoa!
‐ Ah, yes!
Legends.
‐ Just stay there, son.
I'll see if I can find you a hose.
‐ Am I late for couples' counseling?
‐ Coral, you do this every time.
BOTH
Oh! That's Mark!
‐ Uh, yeah. I've been dating
your daughter for 18 months.
I played board games at your house.
You missed everything!
‐ Stop trying to pen me up
in your 9‐to‐5 world!
I had a whole shark thing
with a treasure chest.
You can't put a clock on that!
‐ Those kids have so much to learn.
‐ You remembered the lessons.
‐ And really took one for the team.
‐ Actually, you took several for the team!
‐ Way to carry the load!
‐ Monkeys came on your face.
‐ You did good, Patrick.
‐ You remembered my name.
‐ It's the hair! I don't know
what kind of essential proteins
those monkeys were
packing in their balls, but
you're sporting one luscious mane, my boy.
‐ Oh, you know what?
There's a printing error on this map.
Cuddly Monkey Island
is way the hell over there!
This island's got a skull
and crossbones on it.
It looks like there's jizz
shooting out of the crossbones.
This is a really graphic drawing.
What commercial mapmaker
would include this on their product?
‐ You should write an angry letter.
‐ Oh, I will!
That was amazing.