Dan for Mayor (2010) s02e05 Episode Script
Mayors' Conference
What do you think? Chain or no chain? It's my first mayors' conference.
I want to get this right.
(Sighing) I mean, I'm the host.
I should probably wear the chain, right? Yeah.
But if I do wear it, am I going to be known as the mayor who wears the chain? Of course, I don't want to be known as the mayor who doesn't wear the chain.
Ah, you know what? Maybe I'm over-thinking this.
What--? What do you think, Claire? Dan, it's 3:00 in the morning.
I just want to sleep.
Well, since you're up, you know, chain or no chain? No chain.
You know what? It's 3:00 a.
m.
You're probably not thinking straight.
I'll wear the chain.
Ugh, I'm exhausted.
Dan kept me up all night.
I really don't need to hear that.
Not that.
He was up all night worrying about this mayors' conference that he's hosting.
Wow, he's in the big leagues now, for mayors, which is the smallest, weirdest form of government.
But still.
It's bad timing for me, though.
I got to move all my boxes out of storage.
Dan and I agreed to let the unit go since we're completely committed to each other.
I really don't need to hear that.
So what do you say, Jeff? Do you think you can help me move some boxes? Today is the last day, or I have to rent it for another month.
Which will cost you all of $30.
Great! So you understand.
Thanks so much for helping me out.
I-- Yeah.
You're a lifesaver.
And not the mint.
The kind from boats.
You'd do the same for me if I didn't give you a choice.
Man, she's got you hopping.
Ah, I don't mind.
Dan's been pretty busy, so I've been pitching in, doing yard work.
That kind of stuff.
That sucks.
Between this and everything else, it's like I'm her surrogate boyfriend.
Surrogate boyfriend? Yeah, I'm doing all of Dan's boyfriend work.
Then I got to do my own stuff at home.
It's like I got two wives.
As if Claire is your wife.
Still, beats coming home to an empty house, right? I really don't need to hear that.
Nothing to worry about.
Just don't show any nervousness or they'll destroy you.
What? A bunch of mayors stuck in a room together? Just imagine you're going into a pit full of scorpions and you'll be fine.
Well, not scorpions.
What's that thing with the tail that stings you, and then you die? A scorpion.
Oh, okay, so, yeah, a scorpion.
Ahem, Mayor Dunn, Dan Phillips.
Who? What? Oh, mayor of Wessex.
This is Wessex.
Oh, right, yeah.
What happened to the old guy? Oh, Bud? Oh, he got run over by a bus.
Now, you see? That's why I do not believe in bike lanes.
He wasn't on a bike.
Still.
That's a nice necklace, Dan.
Huh? You keep that in a jewellery box at night? Oh, this thing? I forgot I had it on.
You know, you should get some matching earrings to go with that.
Really bring out the colour in your eyes.
(Laughing) You're out of eggs there, guy.
Oh, that's cool.
There's cereal.
Is there any more milk? He took it all.
(Sighing) That's good.
Ahem, hey, guys.
Mind if I join you? There's no room.
Oh, that's weird.
I thought I was supposed to be at this table.
Bad planning.
(Mayors chuckling) Oh, yeah, no biggie.
Oh, wait.
Here's your name written here.
Oh.
There you go.
Put it on your necklace.
(Men laughing) You guys got room at this table? Yeah.
(Mayors laughing) (Sighing) Do you have any milk? No.
(All crunching loudly) Jeff, I need your help.
What's up? Well, it's a last-minute thing.
Some clients just came in, about 20 people, and I need Fern's to cater.
Sure, when do you need it by? It's a dinner.
Yeah, I should be able to help Claire out and still get to you.
Did I say dinner? I meant, lunch.
Ooh, that is last minute.
Oh, I'm really counting on you here! Ah, I guess I won't be able to help Claire.
Oh, no, that's too bad.
What kind of food do you want? Doesn't matter.
(Knocking) Just thinking.
Yeah? Great.
Hey, I heard that Jeff can't help you with your stuff.
What? Yeah, I heard he jammed out.
He didn't-- (Phone ringing) Hello? Hey, Claire, I can't help you with your stuff.
Sorry to jam out.
Oh, that's-- Got to go! Man! What am I going to do? Well, it turns out you can't count on Jeff.
Who can you count on? I have no idea.
I'm sure there's a solution staring at you in the face.
Jeff was perfect.
He had a truck and everything.
Funny, I just rented a van today, and you know what they said? When I rented it, they said, "This is bigger than Jeff's truck!" (Gasping) Maybe I'll get Fern to help.
Ask me! This mayors' conference is the worst.
I feel like a knob wearing this chain of office.
Oh, I think it looks pretty.
I mean, I thought I'd be rolling with the players.
They're treating me like small-town mayor.
You are small-town mayor.
Why is this happening? I mean, I'm a cool guy, right? (Mouthing words) Right? First rule of cool: don't care what other people think.
Maybe I'm trying too hard.
Well, exactly.
Try less.
Like much, much less.
Yeah.
Got it.
Yeah, I'm just going to be myself.
That's not what I said at all.
So I cut my council in half, and I cut my problems in half! (All laughing) That's good.
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey there.
Ah, ditched the necklace, huh? Oh, yeah, I don't normally wear that thing.
Chains of office are stupid.
I was being ironic.
Well, we're just heading into the storm-water reclamation systems panel.
Ah, cool, maybe I'll sit in on that one.
You being ironic again? No, I just want to see the-- Feel the vibe on the storm-water system.
Okay, but doesn't Wessex have an integrated sewer system? Maybe.
I haven't been down there lately.
This panel is for bigger municipalities that have a separate storm-water system.
Separate.
Yeah, we were thinking of upgrading, you know, or not.
I don't know.
You know, we're just sort of hanging in there.
Seeing how it goes.
I'm a cool guy so I don't really care what other people think.
Well, more the merrier then.
Always room for one more.
So as you can see, the water is channelled through this system of six filters, which reduces the overall particulate.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt but I can't see.
Shut it, integrated sewer system.
Hey, Claire.
Hello, Jeff.
I'm just heading out to move my stuff out of storage, no thanks to you.
Ah, sorry, I had to jam out.
I got a last-minute order.
Hey, sandwiches, mm.
Looks delicious.
Thanks! I have to cancel them.
What? Yeah.
I had to ditch with my VIP clients.
Claire needs help moving some stuff, because you jammed out or something? I only jammed out because you-- You know, Jeff, some people put their friends before work.
She's talking about me.
I always put friends before work, generally.
Not this time, but-- You know what? This time we're going to jam out.
Does she mean leave? I have no idea.
Let's just go.
Okay.
Oh, can we just get some food first? I got to carbo-load before I move all the boxes Jeff was supposed to.
What are your specials? Sandwiches.
Look at the sugar that must be in there, huh? I just want-- I just want to get a coffee.
Hey, Dan? Listen, this is a little awkward.
Oh, hey, shoot.
You need a favour or something? We sort of need your chair for someone else.
Oh, but that's my chair.
Well, it's just that Wessex doesn't have a storm sewer so why not give the seat to--? Someone who does.
Actually, I was going to say to Drainy, the storm-water reclamation bear.
You're kicking me out of my chair for a bear? Well, he's our door prize, Dan.
He's a-door-able.
Oh, hey, why don't I just get another chair? For who? For me.
Oh, sure.
All right, here.
Thanks.
Okay, be right back, guys.
Oh.
Hey! You joining our infrastructure meeting? Oh, yeah, no, I'm doing more of a big-city thing in the room next-door there.
I-- I just came to grab a chair.
Oh.
Guys? Hey! Hello? Guys? You know what? Hey, you guys go ahead without me.
I'm going to sit in with these guys here at the-- The-- What is it again? Infrastructure symposium.
Excellent, yup, no place I'd rather be.
Let's do this! I see what you're doing, you know? And it's pathetic.
What? Trying to get alone with Claire.
She's with Dan now, man.
You think this is about me replacing Dan? I'm not stupid.
That ship has sailed.
Well, all right.
This is about me replacing you.
Me? I'm her surrogate boyfriend now, Jeff.
You dropped the ball.
I didn't-- You're out; I'm in.
It's like being vice-president.
I'm one lone gunman away from the presidency.
CLAIRE: We better get going.
Jeff put us way behind by dropping the ball.
It's not my fault! Excuses don't move boxes, Jeff.
My arms do.
Let me help you with that.
You're a lifesaver.
She don't mean boat kind.
She mean candy kind.
All right, well, let's roll.
The show must go on, unless, of course, you're Jeff, in which case, the show doesn't go on at all.
(Both laughing) (Electricity zapping) Oh, would you look at that? Our point-of-sale machine is down.
Mike, I'm going to need you to look at it.
Oh, sorry, chief, no.
But I made a commitment to help Claire, and I'm going to stick by her.
Oh, the thing is you have a contract with us that legally requires you to drop the ball at this point.
Great, now I am going to have to rent my locker for another month.
No need.
I can help you, since that food order got cancelled.
Thank you, Jeff.
I don't know what I would do without you.
I'll get my truck and meet you there.
Great.
My van is bigger.
Especially when it's empty.
Sorry to interrupt, everybody! Dan, I just got your text.
Which "boring meeting" did you want me to get you out of? Not this one, no.
Let's take five, guys.
What are you doing hanging around with these losers? They're not losers.
Hey, Dan, you should come to Branville for our corn-maze festival next week.
S-- Your what? Cornucopia, two corn mazes this year.
Oh, man, that sounds insane.
Would you like a lapel pin? Sure.
Wow, it's big, huh? Yeah, it doubles as a thermos.
You can keep your butter in it.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
Thanks.
(Sighing) I now officially have the geek badge.
This conference sucks.
I told you to be cool, but you wanted to be yourself for some reason.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Don't you watch prison movies? You got to find someone lower on the totem pole and pick on them.
Like you? That will only get you so far.
I suggest you find another mayor.
And so thanks again for coming to Wessex.
I know we're not a big city, but, hey, at least we're not Branville.
(All laughing) I mean, corn maze? The only way they can get people to stay in that town is by trapping them in corn.
(Mayors laughing) Okay, enjoy your lunch, everyone.
And if you're from Branville, try not to get lost in your side dish.
(Laughing) Hey! Hey, Dan, Dan, where are you going, buddy? Come on and sit with us.
Really? Yeah, we'll have to just put Drainy on the floor.
But you know what? It's cool.
That's cool.
You know, I could sit there or not.
Whatever.
Oh, well, if you're too busy-- I'm already here so-- (Sighing) So what's going on at the cool table? MAN: Hey.
Been standing out here for over an hour.
If you're not going to use that dolly, I got someone asking for it.
I'm just waiting for someone.
Sure, I get it.
You don't want me to see what it is you're moving.
No, I'm serious.
He's on his way.
His name is Jeff.
Listen, lady, whatever you're moving in or out of your locker, it's none of my business.
It's nothing.
It's just some-- Trust me.
Less I know, the better.
But I'm not-- If anyone asks, this conversation here never happened.
You keep that dolly as long as you need it.
But I'm just-- La, la, la! Can't hear you! Excuse me.
Ooh! Where were you, Jeff? I'm sorry.
All these people showed up at once.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say somebody was bussing them in.
That's-- That's ridiculous.
Someone would have to rent a bus and find a bunch of homeless people, put them in second-hand clothes and then give them each 30 bucks.
Who would do that? Fret not, Claire.
I'll help.
No, no, no, no, you still have to fix the point-of-sale machine.
Already done.
It seems it had one too many to drink.
Oh, really? Let's go, Claire.
Thank you, Mike.
And thanks for nothing, Jeff, Claire says.
Thank you for saying that for me, Mike.
You're welcome.
Wait.
Maybe I can help.
It's kind of slowing down around here.
Oh, I don't think so.
Next round is on me! (Patrons cheering) So I said, "I'm not going to do the interview.
I've got a football game!" Huh? Right, Dan? Huh? Oh, sorry, I was thinking of something else.
You need to relax.
I'm having a poker game up in the suite tonight.
You should come by.
Really? 8:00.
See you there.
Hey, let's go kick some stuff over, fellas.
(Crickets chirping) Listen, when you're done moving whatever it is you're moving in there, just drop the dolly off at the front.
I just think you should know-- Like I said, the less I know, the better.
Van is parked.
Hey, I'm Mike.
Sure.
Jeff, Mike, call yourself Sally for all I care.
Well, here I am, you're go-to guy whenever you need me.
Not like Jeff or Sally.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
What? I thought you were stuck at Fern's, serving all those people.
Oh, yeah, I was, but then someone called in a bomb threat, so we had to evacuate.
That sounds serious.
Ah, bomb threat, pfft! Let's move some boxes.
Well played.
Well, it's always great to have an extra pair of hands.
Yeah, especially if one of us has to drop out at the last minute.
(Phone ringing) Hello? Boy, the way you said "hello," you'd think somebody set off the burglar alarm at his house.
Someone set off a burglar alarm at my house.
Oh, man, someone probably broke a window, and now you're going to have to meet the police and fill out a report.
Better hurry.
You go ahead, Mike.
Jeff's here.
JEFF: Yeah, you go ahead, Mike.
I got Claire's back.
You're looking at the original deal right here.
Unless I need you to give me a ride.
I mean, I could go to my car and find that somebody slashed one of my tires.
You have a spare.
Maybe that person slashed all four of my tires.
Well, then I'd better go with you to make sure no one thinks of slashing all four of your tires.
Unless I get there first.
Ugh! Why didn't I hire a mover? Whoo, thank God we got through that.
You kidding me? It was brutal.
I've seen far worse.
At least we didn't have to call in the police, which is good, because they've been busy with a string of bomb threats and burglaries.
I still feel awful about that corn-maze thing.
You know, Mayor Eckler seems like a nice guy.
You know, he didn't deserve that.
Dan, I can't tell you whether what you did was right or wrong.
But I can tell you this: I haven't been paying attention to what you're saying.
(Sighing) You know, I think I know what I should do.
Good, because again, not paying attention.
(Sighing) Where were you? You went to check Mike's tires over an hour ago.
Sorry, as soon as I was done, I got called to investigate a gas leak at Fern's.
Yeah, and I had to respond to a fire alarm at the office.
Mike and I have decided we're both going to help you.
We're here for you, 50-50.
Well, 49-51.
50-50.
Right, we're your go-to guys when Dan isn't around, which is a lot.
This is the last of the boxes.
Fern? What--? What are you doing here? After the bomb scare and the gas leak, I had to shut the bar down.
Also, the homeless people ran out of money.
CLAIRE: Fern's my guy.
Always comes through in a pinch.
No big deal.
I just want to say that even though you didn't come through for me-- Well, good night.
Wow, I feel ashamed.
We got so caught up competing with each other, we forgot what's important.
Slashing Fern's tires.
Hey, Dan.
Glad you could make it.
Thanks, but I won't be staying.
Something the matter? Yeah, this.
This is the matter.
Ooh, take it easy, tiger.
The girls are on their way.
(Laughing) Let me tell you guys something.
It's wrong you treat others the way you do.
You know, walking around here, going to your too-cool-for-school panel discussions on storm sewers! I mean, yeah, I made fun of the corn maze, and, yeah, it was pretty witty.
And I got some other good jokes I thought of afterwards that I wish that I'd said.
But that was wrong! And this, I mean, all this, this is wrong.
Sorry I'm late.
What are you doing here? I was invited.
They invited you? Why not me? We invited everyone.
Actually, the reason we asked you up here, Dan, is because we think you owe Mayor Eckler an apology for making fun of him.
Wha--? But you guys were all laughing.
You asked me to come sit with you.
We didn't know what to do.
You were a loose cannon.
We had to get you off that podium before you corn-mazed us all.
Yeah, and we all have festivals, Dan.
Anyone of us could have been your next target.
God knows what your sick mind would have said about our kumquat festival.
It's time we stood up to you, Dan.
You should go.
No, no, wait, wait.
No, I-- I'm sorry, guys.
I mean-- I was nervous.
I said some things.
I mean-- I-- I take it back.
All right, do you want to join us? Yeah.
There's an extra chair in the other room.
Great! All right, let's play some cards.
Ugh, I had a heck of a time getting these boxes moved.
Ah, I'm sorry I couldn't help.
It's okay.
It's your job.
Mayor's job is never done.
No, I meant, this is your job.
Have fun moving the boxes inside.
Love you! Claire, I don't even know where to put all this stuff! (Vehicle tires screeching) Jeff? Let's get these boxes inside quick! How did you even know--? We don't have much time.
(Tires screeching) Mike? Unhand those boxes! Go, go, go!
I want to get this right.
(Sighing) I mean, I'm the host.
I should probably wear the chain, right? Yeah.
But if I do wear it, am I going to be known as the mayor who wears the chain? Of course, I don't want to be known as the mayor who doesn't wear the chain.
Ah, you know what? Maybe I'm over-thinking this.
What--? What do you think, Claire? Dan, it's 3:00 in the morning.
I just want to sleep.
Well, since you're up, you know, chain or no chain? No chain.
You know what? It's 3:00 a.
m.
You're probably not thinking straight.
I'll wear the chain.
Ugh, I'm exhausted.
Dan kept me up all night.
I really don't need to hear that.
Not that.
He was up all night worrying about this mayors' conference that he's hosting.
Wow, he's in the big leagues now, for mayors, which is the smallest, weirdest form of government.
But still.
It's bad timing for me, though.
I got to move all my boxes out of storage.
Dan and I agreed to let the unit go since we're completely committed to each other.
I really don't need to hear that.
So what do you say, Jeff? Do you think you can help me move some boxes? Today is the last day, or I have to rent it for another month.
Which will cost you all of $30.
Great! So you understand.
Thanks so much for helping me out.
I-- Yeah.
You're a lifesaver.
And not the mint.
The kind from boats.
You'd do the same for me if I didn't give you a choice.
Man, she's got you hopping.
Ah, I don't mind.
Dan's been pretty busy, so I've been pitching in, doing yard work.
That kind of stuff.
That sucks.
Between this and everything else, it's like I'm her surrogate boyfriend.
Surrogate boyfriend? Yeah, I'm doing all of Dan's boyfriend work.
Then I got to do my own stuff at home.
It's like I got two wives.
As if Claire is your wife.
Still, beats coming home to an empty house, right? I really don't need to hear that.
Nothing to worry about.
Just don't show any nervousness or they'll destroy you.
What? A bunch of mayors stuck in a room together? Just imagine you're going into a pit full of scorpions and you'll be fine.
Well, not scorpions.
What's that thing with the tail that stings you, and then you die? A scorpion.
Oh, okay, so, yeah, a scorpion.
Ahem, Mayor Dunn, Dan Phillips.
Who? What? Oh, mayor of Wessex.
This is Wessex.
Oh, right, yeah.
What happened to the old guy? Oh, Bud? Oh, he got run over by a bus.
Now, you see? That's why I do not believe in bike lanes.
He wasn't on a bike.
Still.
That's a nice necklace, Dan.
Huh? You keep that in a jewellery box at night? Oh, this thing? I forgot I had it on.
You know, you should get some matching earrings to go with that.
Really bring out the colour in your eyes.
(Laughing) You're out of eggs there, guy.
Oh, that's cool.
There's cereal.
Is there any more milk? He took it all.
(Sighing) That's good.
Ahem, hey, guys.
Mind if I join you? There's no room.
Oh, that's weird.
I thought I was supposed to be at this table.
Bad planning.
(Mayors chuckling) Oh, yeah, no biggie.
Oh, wait.
Here's your name written here.
Oh.
There you go.
Put it on your necklace.
(Men laughing) You guys got room at this table? Yeah.
(Mayors laughing) (Sighing) Do you have any milk? No.
(All crunching loudly) Jeff, I need your help.
What's up? Well, it's a last-minute thing.
Some clients just came in, about 20 people, and I need Fern's to cater.
Sure, when do you need it by? It's a dinner.
Yeah, I should be able to help Claire out and still get to you.
Did I say dinner? I meant, lunch.
Ooh, that is last minute.
Oh, I'm really counting on you here! Ah, I guess I won't be able to help Claire.
Oh, no, that's too bad.
What kind of food do you want? Doesn't matter.
(Knocking) Just thinking.
Yeah? Great.
Hey, I heard that Jeff can't help you with your stuff.
What? Yeah, I heard he jammed out.
He didn't-- (Phone ringing) Hello? Hey, Claire, I can't help you with your stuff.
Sorry to jam out.
Oh, that's-- Got to go! Man! What am I going to do? Well, it turns out you can't count on Jeff.
Who can you count on? I have no idea.
I'm sure there's a solution staring at you in the face.
Jeff was perfect.
He had a truck and everything.
Funny, I just rented a van today, and you know what they said? When I rented it, they said, "This is bigger than Jeff's truck!" (Gasping) Maybe I'll get Fern to help.
Ask me! This mayors' conference is the worst.
I feel like a knob wearing this chain of office.
Oh, I think it looks pretty.
I mean, I thought I'd be rolling with the players.
They're treating me like small-town mayor.
You are small-town mayor.
Why is this happening? I mean, I'm a cool guy, right? (Mouthing words) Right? First rule of cool: don't care what other people think.
Maybe I'm trying too hard.
Well, exactly.
Try less.
Like much, much less.
Yeah.
Got it.
Yeah, I'm just going to be myself.
That's not what I said at all.
So I cut my council in half, and I cut my problems in half! (All laughing) That's good.
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey there.
Ah, ditched the necklace, huh? Oh, yeah, I don't normally wear that thing.
Chains of office are stupid.
I was being ironic.
Well, we're just heading into the storm-water reclamation systems panel.
Ah, cool, maybe I'll sit in on that one.
You being ironic again? No, I just want to see the-- Feel the vibe on the storm-water system.
Okay, but doesn't Wessex have an integrated sewer system? Maybe.
I haven't been down there lately.
This panel is for bigger municipalities that have a separate storm-water system.
Separate.
Yeah, we were thinking of upgrading, you know, or not.
I don't know.
You know, we're just sort of hanging in there.
Seeing how it goes.
I'm a cool guy so I don't really care what other people think.
Well, more the merrier then.
Always room for one more.
So as you can see, the water is channelled through this system of six filters, which reduces the overall particulate.
Excuse me.
Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt but I can't see.
Shut it, integrated sewer system.
Hey, Claire.
Hello, Jeff.
I'm just heading out to move my stuff out of storage, no thanks to you.
Ah, sorry, I had to jam out.
I got a last-minute order.
Hey, sandwiches, mm.
Looks delicious.
Thanks! I have to cancel them.
What? Yeah.
I had to ditch with my VIP clients.
Claire needs help moving some stuff, because you jammed out or something? I only jammed out because you-- You know, Jeff, some people put their friends before work.
She's talking about me.
I always put friends before work, generally.
Not this time, but-- You know what? This time we're going to jam out.
Does she mean leave? I have no idea.
Let's just go.
Okay.
Oh, can we just get some food first? I got to carbo-load before I move all the boxes Jeff was supposed to.
What are your specials? Sandwiches.
Look at the sugar that must be in there, huh? I just want-- I just want to get a coffee.
Hey, Dan? Listen, this is a little awkward.
Oh, hey, shoot.
You need a favour or something? We sort of need your chair for someone else.
Oh, but that's my chair.
Well, it's just that Wessex doesn't have a storm sewer so why not give the seat to--? Someone who does.
Actually, I was going to say to Drainy, the storm-water reclamation bear.
You're kicking me out of my chair for a bear? Well, he's our door prize, Dan.
He's a-door-able.
Oh, hey, why don't I just get another chair? For who? For me.
Oh, sure.
All right, here.
Thanks.
Okay, be right back, guys.
Oh.
Hey! You joining our infrastructure meeting? Oh, yeah, no, I'm doing more of a big-city thing in the room next-door there.
I-- I just came to grab a chair.
Oh.
Guys? Hey! Hello? Guys? You know what? Hey, you guys go ahead without me.
I'm going to sit in with these guys here at the-- The-- What is it again? Infrastructure symposium.
Excellent, yup, no place I'd rather be.
Let's do this! I see what you're doing, you know? And it's pathetic.
What? Trying to get alone with Claire.
She's with Dan now, man.
You think this is about me replacing Dan? I'm not stupid.
That ship has sailed.
Well, all right.
This is about me replacing you.
Me? I'm her surrogate boyfriend now, Jeff.
You dropped the ball.
I didn't-- You're out; I'm in.
It's like being vice-president.
I'm one lone gunman away from the presidency.
CLAIRE: We better get going.
Jeff put us way behind by dropping the ball.
It's not my fault! Excuses don't move boxes, Jeff.
My arms do.
Let me help you with that.
You're a lifesaver.
She don't mean boat kind.
She mean candy kind.
All right, well, let's roll.
The show must go on, unless, of course, you're Jeff, in which case, the show doesn't go on at all.
(Both laughing) (Electricity zapping) Oh, would you look at that? Our point-of-sale machine is down.
Mike, I'm going to need you to look at it.
Oh, sorry, chief, no.
But I made a commitment to help Claire, and I'm going to stick by her.
Oh, the thing is you have a contract with us that legally requires you to drop the ball at this point.
Great, now I am going to have to rent my locker for another month.
No need.
I can help you, since that food order got cancelled.
Thank you, Jeff.
I don't know what I would do without you.
I'll get my truck and meet you there.
Great.
My van is bigger.
Especially when it's empty.
Sorry to interrupt, everybody! Dan, I just got your text.
Which "boring meeting" did you want me to get you out of? Not this one, no.
Let's take five, guys.
What are you doing hanging around with these losers? They're not losers.
Hey, Dan, you should come to Branville for our corn-maze festival next week.
S-- Your what? Cornucopia, two corn mazes this year.
Oh, man, that sounds insane.
Would you like a lapel pin? Sure.
Wow, it's big, huh? Yeah, it doubles as a thermos.
You can keep your butter in it.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
Thanks.
(Sighing) I now officially have the geek badge.
This conference sucks.
I told you to be cool, but you wanted to be yourself for some reason.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Don't you watch prison movies? You got to find someone lower on the totem pole and pick on them.
Like you? That will only get you so far.
I suggest you find another mayor.
And so thanks again for coming to Wessex.
I know we're not a big city, but, hey, at least we're not Branville.
(All laughing) I mean, corn maze? The only way they can get people to stay in that town is by trapping them in corn.
(Mayors laughing) Okay, enjoy your lunch, everyone.
And if you're from Branville, try not to get lost in your side dish.
(Laughing) Hey! Hey, Dan, Dan, where are you going, buddy? Come on and sit with us.
Really? Yeah, we'll have to just put Drainy on the floor.
But you know what? It's cool.
That's cool.
You know, I could sit there or not.
Whatever.
Oh, well, if you're too busy-- I'm already here so-- (Sighing) So what's going on at the cool table? MAN: Hey.
Been standing out here for over an hour.
If you're not going to use that dolly, I got someone asking for it.
I'm just waiting for someone.
Sure, I get it.
You don't want me to see what it is you're moving.
No, I'm serious.
He's on his way.
His name is Jeff.
Listen, lady, whatever you're moving in or out of your locker, it's none of my business.
It's nothing.
It's just some-- Trust me.
Less I know, the better.
But I'm not-- If anyone asks, this conversation here never happened.
You keep that dolly as long as you need it.
But I'm just-- La, la, la! Can't hear you! Excuse me.
Ooh! Where were you, Jeff? I'm sorry.
All these people showed up at once.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say somebody was bussing them in.
That's-- That's ridiculous.
Someone would have to rent a bus and find a bunch of homeless people, put them in second-hand clothes and then give them each 30 bucks.
Who would do that? Fret not, Claire.
I'll help.
No, no, no, no, you still have to fix the point-of-sale machine.
Already done.
It seems it had one too many to drink.
Oh, really? Let's go, Claire.
Thank you, Mike.
And thanks for nothing, Jeff, Claire says.
Thank you for saying that for me, Mike.
You're welcome.
Wait.
Maybe I can help.
It's kind of slowing down around here.
Oh, I don't think so.
Next round is on me! (Patrons cheering) So I said, "I'm not going to do the interview.
I've got a football game!" Huh? Right, Dan? Huh? Oh, sorry, I was thinking of something else.
You need to relax.
I'm having a poker game up in the suite tonight.
You should come by.
Really? 8:00.
See you there.
Hey, let's go kick some stuff over, fellas.
(Crickets chirping) Listen, when you're done moving whatever it is you're moving in there, just drop the dolly off at the front.
I just think you should know-- Like I said, the less I know, the better.
Van is parked.
Hey, I'm Mike.
Sure.
Jeff, Mike, call yourself Sally for all I care.
Well, here I am, you're go-to guy whenever you need me.
Not like Jeff or Sally.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
What? I thought you were stuck at Fern's, serving all those people.
Oh, yeah, I was, but then someone called in a bomb threat, so we had to evacuate.
That sounds serious.
Ah, bomb threat, pfft! Let's move some boxes.
Well played.
Well, it's always great to have an extra pair of hands.
Yeah, especially if one of us has to drop out at the last minute.
(Phone ringing) Hello? Boy, the way you said "hello," you'd think somebody set off the burglar alarm at his house.
Someone set off a burglar alarm at my house.
Oh, man, someone probably broke a window, and now you're going to have to meet the police and fill out a report.
Better hurry.
You go ahead, Mike.
Jeff's here.
JEFF: Yeah, you go ahead, Mike.
I got Claire's back.
You're looking at the original deal right here.
Unless I need you to give me a ride.
I mean, I could go to my car and find that somebody slashed one of my tires.
You have a spare.
Maybe that person slashed all four of my tires.
Well, then I'd better go with you to make sure no one thinks of slashing all four of your tires.
Unless I get there first.
Ugh! Why didn't I hire a mover? Whoo, thank God we got through that.
You kidding me? It was brutal.
I've seen far worse.
At least we didn't have to call in the police, which is good, because they've been busy with a string of bomb threats and burglaries.
I still feel awful about that corn-maze thing.
You know, Mayor Eckler seems like a nice guy.
You know, he didn't deserve that.
Dan, I can't tell you whether what you did was right or wrong.
But I can tell you this: I haven't been paying attention to what you're saying.
(Sighing) You know, I think I know what I should do.
Good, because again, not paying attention.
(Sighing) Where were you? You went to check Mike's tires over an hour ago.
Sorry, as soon as I was done, I got called to investigate a gas leak at Fern's.
Yeah, and I had to respond to a fire alarm at the office.
Mike and I have decided we're both going to help you.
We're here for you, 50-50.
Well, 49-51.
50-50.
Right, we're your go-to guys when Dan isn't around, which is a lot.
This is the last of the boxes.
Fern? What--? What are you doing here? After the bomb scare and the gas leak, I had to shut the bar down.
Also, the homeless people ran out of money.
CLAIRE: Fern's my guy.
Always comes through in a pinch.
No big deal.
I just want to say that even though you didn't come through for me-- Well, good night.
Wow, I feel ashamed.
We got so caught up competing with each other, we forgot what's important.
Slashing Fern's tires.
Hey, Dan.
Glad you could make it.
Thanks, but I won't be staying.
Something the matter? Yeah, this.
This is the matter.
Ooh, take it easy, tiger.
The girls are on their way.
(Laughing) Let me tell you guys something.
It's wrong you treat others the way you do.
You know, walking around here, going to your too-cool-for-school panel discussions on storm sewers! I mean, yeah, I made fun of the corn maze, and, yeah, it was pretty witty.
And I got some other good jokes I thought of afterwards that I wish that I'd said.
But that was wrong! And this, I mean, all this, this is wrong.
Sorry I'm late.
What are you doing here? I was invited.
They invited you? Why not me? We invited everyone.
Actually, the reason we asked you up here, Dan, is because we think you owe Mayor Eckler an apology for making fun of him.
Wha--? But you guys were all laughing.
You asked me to come sit with you.
We didn't know what to do.
You were a loose cannon.
We had to get you off that podium before you corn-mazed us all.
Yeah, and we all have festivals, Dan.
Anyone of us could have been your next target.
God knows what your sick mind would have said about our kumquat festival.
It's time we stood up to you, Dan.
You should go.
No, no, wait, wait.
No, I-- I'm sorry, guys.
I mean-- I was nervous.
I said some things.
I mean-- I-- I take it back.
All right, do you want to join us? Yeah.
There's an extra chair in the other room.
Great! All right, let's play some cards.
Ugh, I had a heck of a time getting these boxes moved.
Ah, I'm sorry I couldn't help.
It's okay.
It's your job.
Mayor's job is never done.
No, I meant, this is your job.
Have fun moving the boxes inside.
Love you! Claire, I don't even know where to put all this stuff! (Vehicle tires screeching) Jeff? Let's get these boxes inside quick! How did you even know--? We don't have much time.
(Tires screeching) Mike? Unhand those boxes! Go, go, go!