Dan Vs. (2010) s02e05 Episode Script

I just don't understand why we had to drive all the way back to your neighborhood.
There are ATMs all over the place.
But this is the only one that will let me take out five dollars at a time.
That's why I bank here.
Turn around, please.
That's better.
Can't be too careful, you know.
I know your PIN, Dan.
You do not! You mutter it under your breath every time you punch it in.
That's a lie! (to himself,muttering) Let's see.
Five,three,seven,five.
Can we go now? I'm hungry.
It's your own fault, if you would just buy me lunch like I told you to What is this?! It was one thing when it was two bucks, but this is crossing the line! (to the ATM) Give me back my money, punk! Ow! Stupid loansharking robot! Wait, you've been paying two dollars to take out five? Willingly? You have to spend money to make money, Chris.
I'm not sure that expression applies here.
Come on, I've got a bone to pick with the bank manager.
All right, you fee-charging, stuffed-shirt,fat cat executive! Yeah, I'm talking to you! Uh, Dan? That's not- Oh, sure, mister big shot can do whatever he wants! Dan, stop! Inside that suit, you're just a small, sad man with no friends who has to beat up on the little guy just to feel good about himself.
You're nothing but a pathetic, power-tripping loser! That's not the bank manager.
What? Yeah, that was just some guy waiting in line.
And you made him cry.
Hi, I'm the bank manager.
Can I help you gentleman open up a joint checking account? What is the meaning of this? I didn't know we still let people take out five dollars at a time.
Huh.
I demand you lower your fees back to pre-ridiculous levels.
I'm sorry, sir.
But I'll be happy to listen when you have some money.
Promise me you won't make a scene.
Aaaah!! Did your head make that sound? That's supposed to be bulletproof.
Let me go! Wait, why did they throw me out? BAAAAANNNNKKK!!! You have got to calm down.
(shouting into the bank) I'll eat your children! Dan! That's disgusting.
And impractical.
Oh? You have a better idea? How about, "Not eating their children.
" You have no vision.
That vexes me.
But not as much as being out fifty cents.
Ooh! We're going to rob the bank.
That is one of the worst ideas you've ever had.
And you've had some doozies.
Name one! And don't say the jetpack.
Because that's going to be awesome.
You are aware that they intentionally make banks very difficult places to steal from? Which is why we'll discuss it over lunch, kick some ideas around, and then we'll come back and rob the place.
Dan, listen to me: I'm not going to rob a bank with you.
Don't be so stubborn.
Hey, what kind of mask do you want to wear? And bear in mind if you don't choose, I'll choose one for you.
I made a promise to myself, and to Elise, that I wouldn't let you-- Bring a sense of purpose to your meaningless life? Let's go.
There you are.
We worry you delay us.
Again.
I'm here to close the deal.
Show me the goods, Baru.
Enough Superflu PF-4537 to kill everyone on Earth.
Very nasty stuff.
Which is the only reason we're buying it from you instead of sending in a strike team.
How did you steal this from our facility? Is funny story.
I tell you after you pay us.
Which you should do now.
Dancing Shadow to Eagles' Nest.
The package checks out.
Authorize transfer of funds.
(spyboss on communicator) dancing shadow, this is Eagles' Nest.
We have an eensy, teensy weensy problem.
Problem? What problem? (spyboss on communicator) The funds have been put on hold for five days by our financial institution.
So? Send money from a different account.
(spyboss on communicator) That will take even longer.
Banks, what are you gonna do? This is unacceptable.
What kind of shadowy, quasi-governmental organization are you people running here? (spyboss on communicator) Improvise, Dancing Shadow.
Retrieve the package.
That little kick just doubled the price.
You have twenty four hours, or we sell to the highest bidder.
What if we use toy guns? Would that make you more comfortable, you big baby? Will the cops be using toy guns? Maybe.
No.
What if we kidnap the bank manager? What if you stop asking me to help you rob the bank? Why are you being so difficult? And what is taking so long with the sandwiches? Hey, guys.
Great.
You.
What's wrong with Dan? I mean specifically right now.
Don't give me the list.
He's upset because I won't help him- Don't tell her! -commit a robbery.
He's out fifty cents.
Fifty cents? Here, Dan.
It's not about the money.
It's about the principle.
You will not enlist my husband in any more crimes.
Says you.
Chris makes his own decisions.
And I decide "no.
" I already said, it's not up to you! I'm not robbing a bank! Wait, which bank? I'm confused.
I don't want to help Dan.
You don't want me to help Dan Go help Dan.
You just don't understand women, Chris.
Obviously, Elise also has a bone to pick with the bank's stupid ATM fees.
Something like that.
Even so, we could get caught.
Relax.
We're in disguise.
Yes, but we're in the same disguise.
You look great, honey.
Here, one more thing.
For luck.
Hurry up, it's like robbing a bank with my parents.
Get moving.
Chris! Quit acting suspicious! I'm not! And quit using my name! Don't follow so close! I think we should leave now.
That's it! Pens! What? We steal their pens.
I sell them for fifty cents, and everything's as it should be.
Okay, but- But nothing! Be cool.
Ready? Dan, wait.
That pen has a- Now! Run for it! -chain on it.
(O.
S.
) Hey! Where are my pants?! Oof! Get off me! Oh no.
Pants thieves! Of all the days for you not to wear underwear Shut up.
You know, when you guys went into the bank, I figured there was a chance you'd be charged with something.
But I did not think it would be indecent exposure.
Talk to him.
I'm just an accessory to indecent exposure.
A thing I didn't know existed until today.
This just proves my theory that the nudity taboos in this country are completely out of hand.
The important thing is, I'm not done with that bank yet.
None of us are.
I am.
Now that we've gathered intelligence, why don't we use it to plan our next step? Planning is for dorks.
And what intelligence? All we learned is that they chain down their pens.
Some us knew that already.
And you didn't tell me?! You call yourself a friend.
Why are we wasting our time here? There's a bank that needs robbing! Dan, do you want to do this quickly, or do you want to do it right? Quickly! Are those blueprints? Not exactly.
The pin is a passive recording device that monitors every conceivable frequency.
Look, here are motion sensors, here's the cellular alarm, infrared cameras Where did you get that lapel pin? Sweet sixteen present.
Haven't we planned enough now? This has taken an eternity! We've been here for two minutes.
You suck at this.
You think you can do better?! Of course I could! Well, I'd love to hear your plan.
Step 1, go to the bank.
Step 2, get my fifty cents! I stand corrected.
That's brilliant, Dan.
Tell you what, you do it your way, I'll do it mine.
We'll see who gets your fifty cents back quicker.
Listen, both of you: I don't want to do this any more.
I've been in enough jails for one day.
We're not going to jail, Chris.
Prison, maybe.
I'm not going with you.
That's right.
He's coming with me.
No I'm not.
I already said I'm not breaking into any banks.
I'm staying right here.
I'm sorry? Go with Dan.
Right now.
I feel ridiculous.
Good.
It's your punishment for trying to bail out on me.
But-! Hey, you heard Elise.
She said "Go with Dan and wear a clown suit.
" I don't think that's what she said.
Motion sensor There you are.
I'm telling you, Chris, your wife makes such a big deal out of everything.
This'll be easy.
You do it.
That was easy.
My turn.
Wait.
Lasers.
Now what do we do? (elise to herself) just one second, guys dan (on monitor) no problem, chris just a cartwheel over there, a back handspring into a roundoff, and I land on that desk over there.
No! Wait! Since when are you a gymnast? Since always.
Shut up.
No, no, no Whuuh! Whaa-Ow! Oof! Where are the alarms? I guess those lasers were just for show.
I told you this was going to be a piece of cake.
(elise o.
s.
) Easy for you to say.
I surrender! Elise, what are you doing here? Helping you break in.
Why is Chris dressed like a clown? I don't know, he insisted.
I did not! You can take off your mask.
I deactivated the cameras.
See? We all got here at the same time.
Planning.
Come on, Chris, let's go drill through the vault.
With what? We didn't bring a drill.
What?! Oh, come on! Still think planning's overrated, Dan? I don't think I like your tone.
You guys get to work here.
I've got some stuff I need to do upstairs.
You're not in charge! All right.
I'm going upstairs.
You do what you want.
Sometimes I feel like Elise is keeping secrets.
It's like we're not communicating the way we should.
No one wants to come to your feelings party, clown.
All right That thing's making a lot of noise.
You worry too much.
All that stress isn't good for you.
Let it go.
It would be easier if I wasn't participating in several felonies at the moment.
You really need to lighten up.
Hey, look what I found.
Dye pack.
Aah! What's wrong, Chris, feeling blue? I hate you! Ow! You hit pretty hard for a smurf! Ha, ha- ow! Nice move, Chuckles.
Do you know what they do to clowns in prison? Oh, no.
Come on, come on.
.
why is this decryption software so slow?! (police officer loudspeaker o.
s) Attention, bank robbers! Come out with your hands up! Oh, great.
What happened?! I think, on some level, Chris wanted to get caught.
I do not! We need more time! Not much more.
We're almost through the vault.
Stall them.
Stall them? How? Improvise! Hmm You'll never take us alive, coppers! Any of us! Why did you say that?! They can take us alive! In fact, I'd really prefer it that way.
Relax, I'm just buying time while I think of something.
That is the worst way to buy time I have ever seen.
There we are.
Okay, that's even worse.
Come on, bozo.
Let go of my ear! They said we won't take them alive.
That's fine by me.
Get ready to go in hard.
(dan o.
s.
) hey, pigs! (into hiswaklie-talkie) All units, prepare to fire.
Please don't shoot! I don't want to die! (intowalkie-talkie) Stand down.
He's got a hostage.
One false move and the clown gets it! I just want to go home! What kind of monster threatens a clown? All they do is make people happy.
(into loudspeaker) Listen, friend, I want to help you, but you have to let the hostage go! Oh, sure! That's a great idea! And then I'll give myself up peacefully! As soon as I'm finished practicing my sarcasm! (into loudspeaker) What are your demands? Demands? I hadn't thought of that.
(shouting to cops) I'll get back to you! I think that went pretty well.
I do not appreciate being used as a human shield! But you were born for it.
You're so meaty! I have been against this plan from day one! Don't be one of those sad clowns, Chris.
Nobody likes those guys.
Be a fun clown! What are we going to do? I don't want to go to prison! Well you should have thought about that before breaking into a bank! This is your fault! Let's not go blaming others-oof! Ha, ha.
Your nose just-Ow! You know something? You're not invited on my next bank heist! Good! Now help me think of some demands to keep the cops busy.
(picks up phone) Hello, police? It's me.
First off, I would like a baby tiger, some chestnuts, a rocket launcher Yowza.
Officer, I'm the bank manager.
What's going on? Looks like they've got a hostage.
Animals.
I hope you hurt these guys, and good.
Don't worry about that, ma'am.
We will.
(his phone rings) Hello? What do you mean you have more demands? Yes, I know I said I wanted a fully fuelled helicopter and a pilot, but I've changed my mind.
Now, I would like a seven inch turkey sub and the name of Sunday legally changed to Danday.
Okay, we can get out through the sewers, but we need to go now.
We can go home? Oh, thank goodness.
(into phone) I'll call you back.
We're not going anywhere until I get my fifty cents back! Now he's demanding free cable.
He's obviously unbalanced.
Officer, I insist you take immediate action.
But what about the clown? Wrong place, wrong time.
If he doesn't make it, I don't think I'll tell my kids about my day at work.
(into walkie-talkie) All units, we're going in.
Dan, we need to go! I'm not leaving! His choice.
Let's move.
We can't leave Dan.
You're right.
He knows too much.
And he's our friend.
Sure.
Sure, that too.
I'll grab him.
Now! Go! Chris! Ha! You've played right into my hands! Punitive damages.
Can we go now? Sure.
Here, take a gas mask.
Please, tear gas doesn't even give me a runny nose anymore.
This way! Where are they!? Eugh! What is that smell?! We're in a sewer, Dan.
It's probably best not to speculate.
Can I have that gas mask now? What were you doing while we were drilling through the vault, anyway? I electronically diverted some of the bank's digital assets to a numbered account in a country that believe in anonymous banking.
I need it to ensure the safety of the entire-- I just need it.
Oh.
What's a digital asset? Don't worry about it.
Fire! No! Stop! Cease fire! The BANK'S on fire! Fall back! Is that the bank? Uh yeah.
Strange, I don't remember doing that.
I think for once, the fire isn't your fault.
Directly, anyway.
Aw NOW where am I going to use the ATM?l