DAVE (2020) s02e05 Episode Script
Bar Mitzvah
1
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my checkup ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my checkup ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my checkup ♪
Shorty wanna check ♪
Check, check, check ♪
Man, you need to check up ♪
Real paper in my Paper Denims ♪
Real nigga gonna pay for dinner ♪
Oh, I'm braggin', I'm sorry ♪
What I love, calamari ♪
- The good life ain't new to me ♪
- Nope ♪
Tell me what you're gonna do for me ♪
I'm with two hos,
that's two for three ♪
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Man, I just wanted you
to hear my new track
before you dipped, that's all.
Oh, man, that shit was hard.
Honestly, I'm just waiting
for the Gata/Lil Dicky collab.
Hmm.
Man
Oh, yeah, that's for sure.
You're leaving right now?
Yes. I left you a bunch of shit
on your computer, bro
What do you need from me?
I don't need anything.
It'd be nice to chill
with my friend
every once in a while, but
I have no more chill. Also,
I'm working with Travis today,
so when he moves, I move, brother.
- Man. Okay, big dawg.
- It be like that.
- Love.
- MIKE: Okay, I got all the details.
No, no, that's Yeah, no, that's fine.
We have the address. It's all locked in.
We will see you tonight. Bye-bye.
Um, I'm about to send
all you guys the itinerary
for the bar mitzvah tonight.
Gata, you don't need
to be there.
Elz, you do need to be there.
This guy's paying us three
times Dave's normal rate,
so we just got to do
what he wants, you know?
It's disgusting
what this schmuck is doing.
When I was 13, my dad put our dog down.
- DAVE: What?
- Same day.
- Oh, man.
- DAVE: That's so sad.
I love bar mitzvahs. I can't wait.
I haven't been to one in so long.
Me and Elz have been
to tens of hundreds of them,
and we used to, honestly, get kicked out
for various misbehaving, uh
We called in a bomb threat
one time. Post-911.
- Okay.
- How many do you think
- we've been kicked out of?
- A lot.
All right, hotshot, I get it.
Don't call in a bomb tonight, all right?
- I won't.
- Goodbye.
- Peace.
- Man, that's the hardest working man
in showbiz right there.
- Him? Elz?
- Yeah.
Come on, don't fall
for that fuckin' shit.
I work ten times harder than him
he just met the right people at the
Wow.
You know, I never just, like,
think to look up at the sky
and, like, the mountains,
and, like, appreciate
- all of the
- Can I borrow some money?
This bar mitzvah ain't
gonna get me by, dawg,
and moms is struggling.
I need a few dollars, bro,
like an advance or something.
We ain't got no shows.
You on album mode.
Like, I don't know what to do, dawg.
Yeah. Okay.
How much money?
A little'll go a long way, to be honest.
All right, yeah, no problem.
I'm thinking
Actually, can we talk about this
when I'm not high?
- Yeah. Enjoy the weed, bro.
- Cool.
I am Queens Boulevard!
(LAUGHS)
Do you get that?
Nah. It sounds like
a corny Broadway, though.
A corny Broadway?
It's a (STAMMERS)
- Do Black people watch Entourage?
- I don't watch that shit.
DAVE: Boys will be boys.
And that time in my life
was truly the best.
I used to sit on the spigot
You know, like, outside
where you fill water balloons up?
I'd sit on it and let the water
gush all the way up my body,
while everyone else crowded
around to see if I got hard.
- Why?
- Don't ask me.
I was just a mindless extension
of my boner back then.
We did the craziest shit.
There was one occasion
where I actually licked
a hamster's pussy.
- What?!
- Ew! What the fuck?
I was dared.
I'm not gonna turn down a dare.
You had to. This is what you did.
You had to do it. Elz dared me.
I think this is a Jewish camp thing.
No, I have plenty of kids in
my class who went to Jewish camp
who managed to not lick
any part of a hamster, anywhere.
- Oh, please.
- (FARTS)
You think they're going up
to you and being like, "Oh,
"Mrs. Wernick, you should know
I just sniffed piss out of a dirt pit"?
- ALLY: Ugh.
- You guys never experimented at all
- when you were kids?
- I-I had a problem with
thinking that, like, pretty much
all inanimate objects had feelings.
So I was, like,
devastated when I threw away
napkins and tissues and stuff.
Very cute, but I'm really not
interested in the bush-league stuff.
I'm talking about the real nitty-gritty.
I used to Rollerblade
caterpillars in half.
(PHONE CHIMES)
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Kind of satanic.
- (ALLY GIGGLES)
A little bit.
What's so funny, Hoot?
Uh, don't call me Hoot, Dave.
Boundaries.
I'm not hitting on you, hotshot, okay?
You're an owl at the end of the day,
- and you'll always be an owl.
- I never crave Indian food,
but when I do it, I love it.
That's pretty much exactly
how I feel about reading.
(LAUGHS)
Is this the goal?
Write any good songs lately?
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, before I forget,
Elz' manager reached out.
Are you aware that
he wants credit on every song
- on the album he produces?
- I wasn't even aware
he had a manager, but,
you know, if he made the beat,
give him credit what do I care?
No, but, like, as an artist.
He wants it "Lil Dicky featuring Elz."
What?
Yeah, I thought it was weird, too,
but then I just assumed you
guys had already discussed it.
No, we have not.
Every song featuring Elz?
I don't understand.
He's not even an artist. He makes beats.
What about DJ Khaled or,
like, even Benny?
Yeah, but it's fuckin' Elz.
He's gonna do it manager-to-manager,
like a fucking pussy?
What is with him right now?
I don't know if it's a pussy move, Dave.
- Oh, my God
- People use managers
MOSKOWITZ: There they are.
Big men on campus coming through!
- Hi.
- Little Dicky.
- Yeah. Call me Dave.
- You must be Mike?
- Of course, yeah. Good to see you.
- How was the drive?
You find the place okay?
- We just Google Maps.
- I zoned out.
- Uh-huh.
- Fabulous home.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Where do we, uh?
- Oh. Follow me.
- Great.
MOSKOWITZ: Look who's here.
- Huh? Look who's here.
- Hi.
- Oh.
- Hey, man.
- You okay? Is he?
- He's very shy.
- Yeah.
- He's got awful stage fright.
- Aw.
- But honestly,
knowing that LD was gonna be here,
that's helping him
get through this whole thing.
So I-I I don't know how
I can thank you enough
for being here, guys.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Uh, everything working right?
No, man. This, like,
eighth inch is too short,
and the speakers
are way in my fuckin' ear,
and it's like, dude, how am I
supposed to listen to anything
if it's just yelling at me
the whole time, you know?
I am so sorry. Shoot.
Um, look, uh, I can get
a longer one here by tomorrow.
Just let me know
what type of cord you need.
It's really not worth it.
Honestly, like, fuck it.
Uh, is there a way that I
can move this keyboard, though?
'Cause it's all in my way,
and I just need to
- I need some space to
- Hmm. Uh, let me think about that.
You know, that-that's gonna be
a little harder.
Honestly, please don't trouble yourself.
- We can be very flexible.
- It's so light, I can move it
if your arms don't work or something.
MOSKOWITZ:
No, it's not about the weight.
Uh, our keyboardist is actually blind.
He's an old friend of the family, and
he's already memorized the space.
I could give him a ring.
I'll give him a ring.
No. No. No.
He's got the lay of the land.
- We had a blind dog when I was a kid.
- Yeah.
My dad, piece of shit, he used
to rearrange the furniture
- so he'd bump into it to fuck with it.
- So the Yeah.
Yeah. So I know
what you're going through.
I got it. Hey,
you want to not be an asshole
to the guy who's paying us
for the event? That'd be great.
Hey, you want to be not an asshole
and leave me the fuck alone?
Mm. How about we just
sound-check, how about that?
How about I walk away
and you do this by yourself,
since you're so independent?
I don't know how to
work the equipment
Well, figure it out.
- Cool.
- You're so smart, right?
Yeah, I'll figure it out, no problem.
It's an easy job, right?
It's not that hard to deejay.
(AMPLIFIED): Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah!
Check, check.
My deejay sucks.
Uh, deep-seated insecurity.
Masked as overconfidence.
(LOUDLY): I'm saying that sometimes
I get this white foam around my mouth.
- Let me know if you see that.
- Oh, I will.
- I don't have it now, do I?
- DAVE: battling insecurity
- No. No.
- No.
I'm Elz, I'm so cool,
look at who I know ♪
Look at where I go, look at
my coat, look above my nose ♪
I got a pipe cleaner mustache
and I'm too big ♪
For my britch,
but I deejay bar mitz ♪
- Walk with me.
- Great!
Elz, does it sound okay, or no?
Can-can you please
just answer me and tell me
if it sounds good?
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MUTTERING)
(QUIETLY): Big swinging dick, huh?
Let's play.
Dude, I'm just trying to chill.
I thought you had no chill these days.
Right? Did you say that?
Damn, man.
And one.
- Fuckin' bum.
- Good take. Let's go. That's one.
MIKE: Nice room.
- Beautiful.
- MOSKOWITZ: Thanks.
Yeah.
Big day tomorrow.
Words can't even describe it, Mike.
We are so proud of him,
the man he's becoming.
It's
it's really special.
I bet.
You got kids of your own?
Na I do.
Yes, I do.
I have a six-year-old boy
- Darren.
- Six.
(CHUCKLES):
That's the best age, isn't it?
Yeah.
I thought three was great.
Six is aw six is better.
We, uh
had an autism scare
there for a second, yeah.
Biting his teeth.
He would bite his bottom teeth.
- But, um, we're all good.
- Oh, let me tell you,
the scares never end.
I mean, not the autism thing
specifically, but
Hell, you know what I mean.
You're, uh, you're a special guy.
Aw, Mike, so are you. Thanks.
- Aw.
- (CHUCKLES)
I love ya.
Uh
(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Figure it out! You gotta figure it out!
- (DAVE GRUNTING)
- Can't do nothin'.
ELZ: (GRUNTS) Oh, he's a fuckin' bitch!
DAVE: Six-seven, six-seven.
ELZ: What's that body like?
What's that body like?
Play the game. Stop fuckin' talking.
- Hands off.
- I'm not even touching you.
(YELLS) Are you tired?
- (RASPY PANTING)
- Didn't we teach you anything?
DAVE: This is, like, a foul.
Like, you can't
ELZ: I'm not worried
about that too much.
DAVE: Should be worried about it.
That's why I've been
running to the left, nigga!
Now whatcha gonna do?
Now what? Now what? Now what?
- Look.
- Off you. Check.
(SIGHS)
Off you.
What a fuckin' bitch-ass call, man.
I didn't make the rules up.
Foul.
What? You didn't foul me?
- That's a terrible call.
- You don't think you fouled me?
- No, I think you're
- You slapped the shit out of my arm.
- I barely touched you.
- You slapped the fuck out of my arm.
It sounds like a bitch.
Take it. I don't care.
I don't need it.
Take it, take it.
Go, go, I don't need it.
- Incredibly immature.
- I gotta go. Oh, yeah, okay.
You told me, you told me. I heard it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I heard it, I heard it, I heard it.
- You want to tell me again?
- You've never been mature.
- You want to tell me again?
- Yeah, you've never been mature.
- No reach. No reach.
- All flash. No substance.
No reach. No reach. Bum ass.
You got to make that.
(GRUNTING)
Goddamn, you got to give me
some fuckin' credit!
Whoo!
- Shit! (LAUGHS)
- Get your manager to ask for it.
How about that?
- How about it?
- Have him have him call my manager.
Maybe you'll get the credit then.
- Maybe I fuckin' will.
- Yeah. Maybe not.
(CHUCKLES): Maybe not. Probably not.
Okay.
My closest childhood friend,
doing me dirty.
- You're a fuckin' producer.
- Produce a game point.
(GRUNTING)
Get off me, nigga.
Foul. I'm foul
- ELZ: Fuck!
- Foul. I called it.
- Easy!
- I called foul.
- Game!
- I called foul.
- Game! Doesn't matter.
- I called foul!
- I called it! I was intentionally fouling.
- That's called a game.
What do you mean, you called it?
You called my foul?
- Yeah.
- How does that work?
You're a shitty basketball player!
You're a shittier artist!
You're a fuckin' bum!
You don't even have
a fuckin' album anyway!
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
Good game.
Oh why don't you stay?
- I can't. I got to wake up early.
- Okay, fine.
I got to do this, like,
Jewish mar vista thing tomorrow.
A bar mitzvah?
I think it's like a quinceañera
for the Jews.
But you know I ain't really
into all that religious shit
- like that, but
- Come on.
I'm into you. (KISSES)
- Then stay.
- I can't, man. I gotta wiggle.
- Okay.
- All right, shorty.
- Be safe.
- All right.
You got to be kidding me.
Where the fuck my car go?
Fuck.
Paloma?
Man, what is her last name?
Damn.
Fuck.
Fuck, dawg.
This shit is crazy, dude.
Yo.
Hey, y'all sell iPhone chargers?
Huh?
IPhone chargers.
Do y'all sell iPhone chargers?
Right there in the back.
Nah, the other one.
The white one.
Yeah.
Ten dollar.
(GATA SIGHS)
Hey, you think you could
charge it up for me, though?
No.
For real?
No.
Man (SCOFFS)
Hey, what's up, O. G.?
You mind if I get back there
and see if there's an outlet?
I got a couple dollars for you, man.
I ain't trying
to make you uncomfortable.
I just need to charge my phone.
No!
No touch!
- Are you serious?
- No!
I'm just trying to charge my phone, bro.
- Go away, man!
- (SCOFFS)
Hey, sir, my phone's dead, man.
- You mind if I use your car charger?
- Sorry.
(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)
Why the fuck this shit
got to happen to me?
(SIGHS)
(KNOCKING)
GATA: Hey.
Can I use a wall outlet
to charge my phone?
We're not open.
Man, I need some help.
It's late out here.
Sorry, man.
Man, come (SCOFFS)
♪
(SIGHS)
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(MUTTERING)
(WHISPERS): Oh, fuck.
(PHONE CHIMES)
(EXHALES)
(PHONE KEYS CLICKING)
(LINE RINGING)
(QUIETLY): Hello?
Hey, my name is Davionte Ganter.
My car just got towed.
It's a gold 2004 Chevy Impala.
Okay. 3241 Mill Street.
All right. Thank you.
3241 Mill Street. 3241 Mill Street.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
(CLOSES DOOR)
(GROANS) Fuck, man.
Yo!
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
(MUTTERS)
(SCOFFS)
♪
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
♪
How long do I have to do this shit?
Contractually, you got to talk
to him for 20 minutes.
- I'll give him 25, 'cause I like this.
- Attaboy.
I might as well
just get it over with, then.
- All right, well
- What is that? What was that?
- What?
- Be the bigger man.
No. He's-he's wrong,
and I'm not No way.
All right, guys, uh,
you mind if I join this group
of Jewish boys?
Or I suppose there's
multiracial things happening.
But can I hang out with you?
- BOYS: Yeah.
- Um
which one of you guys
has the biggest cock?
(LAUGHTER)
All right, let's go, let's hang out.
MIKE: My boy Darren is such an athlete.
I've broken up four or five
fights on the T-ball field,
- 'cause he just gets so into it.
- Really?
He-he charges the
mound almost every game.
- In T-ball?
- A hundred percent.
- Wow.
- And is he running through first?
I always tell him,
"Run through, turn right.
- You turn left, you're live."
- Uh-huh.
So he's gotten in a couple of scraps,
and
and that's something that
I need to work on, to be honest.
You know,
it's got to be a love in there.
It can't just be all aggro.
You got to love the kid.
You know?
- Lechayim. Yeah.
- Lechayim.
Look at me. My life on paper
couldn't be better.
I'm actually a rapper.
I go around the country
and I get sucked.
And still even still
My life pales in comparison
to the lives you're living right now.
It's so much more fun to be
a kid than any other time in life.
Have you met Lil Nas X?
No.
Uh, you ever pass each other out?
What's that?
That's where you put your hands
on the one person's neck
until you lose oxygen,
you black out and faint.
No? I used to do it
with my deejay all the time.
It was amazing.
- Elz, right?
- Yeah.
I know your whole crew.
You guys are savages.
Thank you. Yeah,
we, uh, we grew up together.
We would always, honestly, compete
over who could do the craziest shit.
Speaking of shit, have you
ever shit on each other's shit?
Laxatives. Eat the laxatives. Come in.
Gut full of laxatives. Shit.
Next guy comes in ready to pop.
Polaroid camera. Picture.
Post it all over the lockers at school.
We'd get canceled if we did that.
Oh, my God, are you kidding?
- You guys worry about cancel culture?
- You have to.
You have the perfect alibi.
You're young. You don't know any better.
Your brains aren't even fully formed.
Like, the grooves in your skull
aren't even, like, creased.
- Huh.
- MOSKOWITZ: Tell me,
- what's your, uh, wife do?
- Mm.
Other than break my wallet?
(LAUGHS)
I know that feeling.
I know you do. I saw.
This is unbelievable.
(LAUGHING)
- This is remarkable, this home.
- Yeah.
Uh, she's a bleeding-heart
liberal, to the max.
We are. I'm as far left as it goes.
I'm so far left
I might come back around.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh, she, uh,
the company is called Climace.
- Climace.
- Have you never heard of it?
- No.
- They
What they do is,
they combat climate change
and racism at the same time,
simultaneously.
- Really?
- It's such a great organization,
but the name is bad, you know.
We're big BLM'ers.
Are you into are you BLM?
- Well, of course. Yeah.
- Of cour Yes.
The whole time,
I thought there would only be
the small, faint amount,
and then you're done.
'Cause there's nothing else there.
I couldn't imagine that you'd
do another one, and there'd be
I-I was mind-blown.
I thought, I didn't realize
you're supposed to wipe until
there's literally nothing there.
'Cause I thought, if it's that faint,
there can't possibly be more.
I mean, back when I was
your age, the first time
I ever jerked off,
I used my own thoughts.
I mean, if I tried to do that now,
the women would turn to sand
and blow away in the wind.
- Why?
- 'Cause we're overly stimulated now.
Isn't it crazy that "boner" is
the best option we have
to, like, refer to a hard penis?
"Hard-on"? Like, anyone is
you're white trash
if you say "hard-on."
You know? And I mean no disrespect
to any of you guys
who might be white trash.
No, he told me on his own.
Mm.
No, it was really just a test
to see how he'd react.
I don't even need the credit.
I don't know if it's worth it anymore.
DAVE: If it makes you feel any better,
I feel the exact same way now
as I did when I was your age.
Like, mentally, in terms of, like,
the voices narrating my thoughts
It's a 13-year-old boy's voice, still.
My Torah passage makes it
such a big deal,
you know, becoming a man.
Ugh. Come on, Torah-schmorah.
You really believe that horseshit?
God made a man out of a woman's rib?
What is it, a five-inch man?
You know, all that
you really need to realize,
Jakey, is you're getting older,
and so perhaps start thinking
about being more mature
here and there and more responsible.
- That's all it is.
- But you just said
you're the same way you've always been.
Yeah, but
you don't want to be like me, okay?
- Yeah, we do.
- OTHERS: Yeah.
No, you don't.
♪
(MUTTERING)
Yo.
Mm-mm.
Seriously
can we go talk for a second?
For what?
- I'm being serious.
- About what?
Just come on. I'm just
You're being so dramatic, though.
Just come on.
It's not that big of a deal.
The longer we let this bubble up,
the more it's gonna suck,
so let's just
"Bubble up"? Why you acting
like such a bitch, bro?
Why is it such a dick-swinging contest?
A dick-swinging contest?
Dude, nothing is dick-swinging.
Just grow the fuck up
and stop acting like a bitch.
- Me grow up? You How?
- You grow up.
I've never even
Bro.
(SIGHS) I don't know.
- Dude.
- I don't I'm trying to
I'm trying to find the words,
too, but
I'm trying to think about
what it was that they were
I can't even
I mean, should we say anything
to these people,
or is this, like, textbook
boyhood experimentation, right?
- Like
- Not my job, bro.
I just think about the stuff
we used to do,
like, with the marker and, like, the
Okay, enough.
But that doesn't matter to me,
because
MOSKOWITZ: Hey! Hey!
- JAKEY: Dad!
- Can I have a word with you guys?
Yeah. Sure.
Any idea what this is?
- Hmm?
- Oh.
Why would you post that on TikTok?
Are you out of your mind, Jakey?
- I'm so I mean
- So you do know.
- JAKEY: Dad!
- I had to get this sent to me
- by another parent.
- Dad! - I'm sorry.
- That's got nothing to do with us.
- Whoa, whoa.
We didn't do anything about that.
- We just happened to walk
- We walked in
No, no. Jakey told me that you said
that because his brain
isn't fully formed,
that he can do whatever he wants?
So out of context. Like, there
was a whole circle of trust
- that was
- Oh, a-and what's this
I hear about cunnilingus on a marsupial?
Hamster's a rodent, and it's
it's a cautionary tale
and it's got nothing to do with what
- I don't give I do not care!
- We had nothing to do with that.
- Okay.
- All right?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Both of you. Get out of my house.
- I mean, what
How do you think he talks?
What do you think happens when he?
What does it matter?
We get paid on the back end.
He listens to Lil Dicky
I'm not paying you any more
money, not another dollar!
- Bro.
- No. You just lea
- What do you mean?
- But you need to leave right now.
When you have a contract with somebody,
you just have to pay them
the money that they're owed.
Hey, you want to control
your posse? Huh?
- Oh, my God.
- Posse? Get a grip.
It's a very racially charged
word, "posse," okay?
Why don't you think
about the things you say?
- Racially charged?
- He's my fucking friend, okay?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- You booked Lil Dicky.
- I don't know what you expect.
- I can't believe
that you let Darren hang around
with these perverts!
- Who the fuck is Darren?
- No, get the hell out right now!
This is a chain
reaction that you started.
Leave right now!
I didn't start anything!
You guys started it!
- Fine, all right. I'm sorry, Jakey.
- Get out of my house now!
JAKEY: Now they're leaving!
Your fault! You're the worst dad ever!
You just suck it up, okay?
- MIKE: Hey.
- Don't have a fit!
It's his bar mitzvah.
(ELZ CHUCKLES)
(BOTH LAUGH)
I can't believe that kid
posted that on TikTok.
ELZ: I was thinking the same thing.
I can't believe
that we got kicked out of
another fucking bar mitzvah bro.
What the fuck is going on?
We should've just
called in a bomb threat.
We were such assholes back then.
You were the bigger asshole
when we were kids, for the record.
I was the bigger asshole?
We were both pretty bad.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Being a bigger asshole.
- DAVE: Oh my God.
- Go!
Go, fucking go!
Get out! Get out! Go!
Come on, it's time!
- Come on, piggy boy!
- Come on, it's time! It's time!
- We're free! We're free!
- Come on! Come on!
Save your soul. Save your soul, llama.
Come on, Pig Newton.
It's time to go, Pig Newton.
Aah! Aah! (MOCK SOBBING)
Go! Go! Yes, yes, yes!
Go, go, go. Go, go, go.
Where'd you park?
Uh, this way.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(LOWING)
(BLEATING)
(QUIETLY): What the fuck?
That's crazy.
(LOWING, BLEATING)
JAKEY: No, d-don't leave.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Gata! Gata! Gata!
I-It's my bar mitzvah,
and my dad just kicked out LD,
a-and now everyone's leaving.
What you mean LD got kicked out?
I-I know all your songs.
You guys are my favorites.
Just please help.
(PANTING): Please.
I got you, bro.
I'm gonna hook you up, man.
Okay.
- (ELECTRONIC CHIME)
- Okay.
This for you, man.
- You say it's your bar mitzvah?
- Yes. Yes.
- I got you, bro.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
- Come on, man.
- Yeah.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- Shorty wanna ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my
Shorty wanna check ♪
Check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my Shorty wanna ♪
Guys, come on! Gata! Gata!
Check, check,
man, you need to check up ♪
Real paper in my Paper Denims ♪
Real nigga gonna pay for dinner ♪
Oh, I'm braggin', I'm sorry ♪
What I love, calamari ♪
The good life ain't new to me ♪
Tell me what you're gonna do for me ♪
I'm with two hos,
that's two for three ♪
Really pimpin' like, really? ♪
Hold up, baby, I'm boomin' ♪
Cameras on me, they zoomin' ♪
I pray to God I don't lose it ♪
Spike Lee make a movie ♪
About everything I'm doin' ♪
These Benjamins I'm pursuin' ♪
I'm after Jacksons, I'm the captain ♪
At the dinner table
with some black napkins ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my checkup ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my checkup ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
- 'Cause I got my checkup ♪
- Shorty wanna ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
Man, you need to check up ♪
All hundos, just for fun, though ♪
Swordfish, that's for lunch, though ♪
Room service, my breakfast ♪
24-7 I'm flexin' ♪
- Jackboys wanna jack the boy ♪
- Nope ♪
'Cause they know
I'm 'bout my stacks, boy ♪
Money preachin' like Pastor Troy ♪
I'm the man, girl, ask your boy ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
- 'Cause I got my checkup ♪
- Shorty wanna ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
- 'Cause I got my checkup ♪
- Shorty wanna ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
- 'Cause I got my checkup ♪
- Shorty wanna ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
Man, you need to check up. ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my checkup ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my checkup ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my checkup ♪
Shorty wanna check ♪
Check, check, check ♪
Man, you need to check up ♪
Real paper in my Paper Denims ♪
Real nigga gonna pay for dinner ♪
Oh, I'm braggin', I'm sorry ♪
What I love, calamari ♪
- The good life ain't new to me ♪
- Nope ♪
Tell me what you're gonna do for me ♪
I'm with two hos,
that's two for three ♪
- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Man, I just wanted you
to hear my new track
before you dipped, that's all.
Oh, man, that shit was hard.
Honestly, I'm just waiting
for the Gata/Lil Dicky collab.
Hmm.
Man
Oh, yeah, that's for sure.
You're leaving right now?
Yes. I left you a bunch of shit
on your computer, bro
What do you need from me?
I don't need anything.
It'd be nice to chill
with my friend
every once in a while, but
I have no more chill. Also,
I'm working with Travis today,
so when he moves, I move, brother.
- Man. Okay, big dawg.
- It be like that.
- Love.
- MIKE: Okay, I got all the details.
No, no, that's Yeah, no, that's fine.
We have the address. It's all locked in.
We will see you tonight. Bye-bye.
Um, I'm about to send
all you guys the itinerary
for the bar mitzvah tonight.
Gata, you don't need
to be there.
Elz, you do need to be there.
This guy's paying us three
times Dave's normal rate,
so we just got to do
what he wants, you know?
It's disgusting
what this schmuck is doing.
When I was 13, my dad put our dog down.
- DAVE: What?
- Same day.
- Oh, man.
- DAVE: That's so sad.
I love bar mitzvahs. I can't wait.
I haven't been to one in so long.
Me and Elz have been
to tens of hundreds of them,
and we used to, honestly, get kicked out
for various misbehaving, uh
We called in a bomb threat
one time. Post-911.
- Okay.
- How many do you think
- we've been kicked out of?
- A lot.
All right, hotshot, I get it.
Don't call in a bomb tonight, all right?
- I won't.
- Goodbye.
- Peace.
- Man, that's the hardest working man
in showbiz right there.
- Him? Elz?
- Yeah.
Come on, don't fall
for that fuckin' shit.
I work ten times harder than him
he just met the right people at the
Wow.
You know, I never just, like,
think to look up at the sky
and, like, the mountains,
and, like, appreciate
- all of the
- Can I borrow some money?
This bar mitzvah ain't
gonna get me by, dawg,
and moms is struggling.
I need a few dollars, bro,
like an advance or something.
We ain't got no shows.
You on album mode.
Like, I don't know what to do, dawg.
Yeah. Okay.
How much money?
A little'll go a long way, to be honest.
All right, yeah, no problem.
I'm thinking
Actually, can we talk about this
when I'm not high?
- Yeah. Enjoy the weed, bro.
- Cool.
I am Queens Boulevard!
(LAUGHS)
Do you get that?
Nah. It sounds like
a corny Broadway, though.
A corny Broadway?
It's a (STAMMERS)
- Do Black people watch Entourage?
- I don't watch that shit.
DAVE: Boys will be boys.
And that time in my life
was truly the best.
I used to sit on the spigot
You know, like, outside
where you fill water balloons up?
I'd sit on it and let the water
gush all the way up my body,
while everyone else crowded
around to see if I got hard.
- Why?
- Don't ask me.
I was just a mindless extension
of my boner back then.
We did the craziest shit.
There was one occasion
where I actually licked
a hamster's pussy.
- What?!
- Ew! What the fuck?
I was dared.
I'm not gonna turn down a dare.
You had to. This is what you did.
You had to do it. Elz dared me.
I think this is a Jewish camp thing.
No, I have plenty of kids in
my class who went to Jewish camp
who managed to not lick
any part of a hamster, anywhere.
- Oh, please.
- (FARTS)
You think they're going up
to you and being like, "Oh,
"Mrs. Wernick, you should know
I just sniffed piss out of a dirt pit"?
- ALLY: Ugh.
- You guys never experimented at all
- when you were kids?
- I-I had a problem with
thinking that, like, pretty much
all inanimate objects had feelings.
So I was, like,
devastated when I threw away
napkins and tissues and stuff.
Very cute, but I'm really not
interested in the bush-league stuff.
I'm talking about the real nitty-gritty.
I used to Rollerblade
caterpillars in half.
(PHONE CHIMES)
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Kind of satanic.
- (ALLY GIGGLES)
A little bit.
What's so funny, Hoot?
Uh, don't call me Hoot, Dave.
Boundaries.
I'm not hitting on you, hotshot, okay?
You're an owl at the end of the day,
- and you'll always be an owl.
- I never crave Indian food,
but when I do it, I love it.
That's pretty much exactly
how I feel about reading.
(LAUGHS)
Is this the goal?
Write any good songs lately?
I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, before I forget,
Elz' manager reached out.
Are you aware that
he wants credit on every song
- on the album he produces?
- I wasn't even aware
he had a manager, but,
you know, if he made the beat,
give him credit what do I care?
No, but, like, as an artist.
He wants it "Lil Dicky featuring Elz."
What?
Yeah, I thought it was weird, too,
but then I just assumed you
guys had already discussed it.
No, we have not.
Every song featuring Elz?
I don't understand.
He's not even an artist. He makes beats.
What about DJ Khaled or,
like, even Benny?
Yeah, but it's fuckin' Elz.
He's gonna do it manager-to-manager,
like a fucking pussy?
What is with him right now?
I don't know if it's a pussy move, Dave.
- Oh, my God
- People use managers
MOSKOWITZ: There they are.
Big men on campus coming through!
- Hi.
- Little Dicky.
- Yeah. Call me Dave.
- You must be Mike?
- Of course, yeah. Good to see you.
- How was the drive?
You find the place okay?
- We just Google Maps.
- I zoned out.
- Uh-huh.
- Fabulous home.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Where do we, uh?
- Oh. Follow me.
- Great.
MOSKOWITZ: Look who's here.
- Huh? Look who's here.
- Hi.
- Oh.
- Hey, man.
- You okay? Is he?
- He's very shy.
- Yeah.
- He's got awful stage fright.
- Aw.
- But honestly,
knowing that LD was gonna be here,
that's helping him
get through this whole thing.
So I-I I don't know how
I can thank you enough
for being here, guys.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Uh, everything working right?
No, man. This, like,
eighth inch is too short,
and the speakers
are way in my fuckin' ear,
and it's like, dude, how am I
supposed to listen to anything
if it's just yelling at me
the whole time, you know?
I am so sorry. Shoot.
Um, look, uh, I can get
a longer one here by tomorrow.
Just let me know
what type of cord you need.
It's really not worth it.
Honestly, like, fuck it.
Uh, is there a way that I
can move this keyboard, though?
'Cause it's all in my way,
and I just need to
- I need some space to
- Hmm. Uh, let me think about that.
You know, that-that's gonna be
a little harder.
Honestly, please don't trouble yourself.
- We can be very flexible.
- It's so light, I can move it
if your arms don't work or something.
MOSKOWITZ:
No, it's not about the weight.
Uh, our keyboardist is actually blind.
He's an old friend of the family, and
he's already memorized the space.
I could give him a ring.
I'll give him a ring.
No. No. No.
He's got the lay of the land.
- We had a blind dog when I was a kid.
- Yeah.
My dad, piece of shit, he used
to rearrange the furniture
- so he'd bump into it to fuck with it.
- So the Yeah.
Yeah. So I know
what you're going through.
I got it. Hey,
you want to not be an asshole
to the guy who's paying us
for the event? That'd be great.
Hey, you want to be not an asshole
and leave me the fuck alone?
Mm. How about we just
sound-check, how about that?
How about I walk away
and you do this by yourself,
since you're so independent?
I don't know how to
work the equipment
Well, figure it out.
- Cool.
- You're so smart, right?
Yeah, I'll figure it out, no problem.
It's an easy job, right?
It's not that hard to deejay.
(AMPLIFIED): Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah!
Check, check.
My deejay sucks.
Uh, deep-seated insecurity.
Masked as overconfidence.
(LOUDLY): I'm saying that sometimes
I get this white foam around my mouth.
- Let me know if you see that.
- Oh, I will.
- I don't have it now, do I?
- DAVE: battling insecurity
- No. No.
- No.
I'm Elz, I'm so cool,
look at who I know ♪
Look at where I go, look at
my coat, look above my nose ♪
I got a pipe cleaner mustache
and I'm too big ♪
For my britch,
but I deejay bar mitz ♪
- Walk with me.
- Great!
Elz, does it sound okay, or no?
Can-can you please
just answer me and tell me
if it sounds good?
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MUTTERING)
(QUIETLY): Big swinging dick, huh?
Let's play.
Dude, I'm just trying to chill.
I thought you had no chill these days.
Right? Did you say that?
Damn, man.
And one.
- Fuckin' bum.
- Good take. Let's go. That's one.
MIKE: Nice room.
- Beautiful.
- MOSKOWITZ: Thanks.
Yeah.
Big day tomorrow.
Words can't even describe it, Mike.
We are so proud of him,
the man he's becoming.
It's
it's really special.
I bet.
You got kids of your own?
Na I do.
Yes, I do.
I have a six-year-old boy
- Darren.
- Six.
(CHUCKLES):
That's the best age, isn't it?
Yeah.
I thought three was great.
Six is aw six is better.
We, uh
had an autism scare
there for a second, yeah.
Biting his teeth.
He would bite his bottom teeth.
- But, um, we're all good.
- Oh, let me tell you,
the scares never end.
I mean, not the autism thing
specifically, but
Hell, you know what I mean.
You're, uh, you're a special guy.
Aw, Mike, so are you. Thanks.
- Aw.
- (CHUCKLES)
I love ya.
Uh
(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Figure it out! You gotta figure it out!
- (DAVE GRUNTING)
- Can't do nothin'.
ELZ: (GRUNTS) Oh, he's a fuckin' bitch!
DAVE: Six-seven, six-seven.
ELZ: What's that body like?
What's that body like?
Play the game. Stop fuckin' talking.
- Hands off.
- I'm not even touching you.
(YELLS) Are you tired?
- (RASPY PANTING)
- Didn't we teach you anything?
DAVE: This is, like, a foul.
Like, you can't
ELZ: I'm not worried
about that too much.
DAVE: Should be worried about it.
That's why I've been
running to the left, nigga!
Now whatcha gonna do?
Now what? Now what? Now what?
- Look.
- Off you. Check.
(SIGHS)
Off you.
What a fuckin' bitch-ass call, man.
I didn't make the rules up.
Foul.
What? You didn't foul me?
- That's a terrible call.
- You don't think you fouled me?
- No, I think you're
- You slapped the shit out of my arm.
- I barely touched you.
- You slapped the fuck out of my arm.
It sounds like a bitch.
Take it. I don't care.
I don't need it.
Take it, take it.
Go, go, I don't need it.
- Incredibly immature.
- I gotta go. Oh, yeah, okay.
You told me, you told me. I heard it.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- I heard it, I heard it, I heard it.
- You want to tell me again?
- You've never been mature.
- You want to tell me again?
- Yeah, you've never been mature.
- No reach. No reach.
- All flash. No substance.
No reach. No reach. Bum ass.
You got to make that.
(GRUNTING)
Goddamn, you got to give me
some fuckin' credit!
Whoo!
- Shit! (LAUGHS)
- Get your manager to ask for it.
How about that?
- How about it?
- Have him have him call my manager.
Maybe you'll get the credit then.
- Maybe I fuckin' will.
- Yeah. Maybe not.
(CHUCKLES): Maybe not. Probably not.
Okay.
My closest childhood friend,
doing me dirty.
- You're a fuckin' producer.
- Produce a game point.
(GRUNTING)
Get off me, nigga.
Foul. I'm foul
- ELZ: Fuck!
- Foul. I called it.
- Easy!
- I called foul.
- Game!
- I called foul.
- Game! Doesn't matter.
- I called foul!
- I called it! I was intentionally fouling.
- That's called a game.
What do you mean, you called it?
You called my foul?
- Yeah.
- How does that work?
You're a shitty basketball player!
You're a shittier artist!
You're a fuckin' bum!
You don't even have
a fuckin' album anyway!
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
Good game.
Oh why don't you stay?
- I can't. I got to wake up early.
- Okay, fine.
I got to do this, like,
Jewish mar vista thing tomorrow.
A bar mitzvah?
I think it's like a quinceañera
for the Jews.
But you know I ain't really
into all that religious shit
- like that, but
- Come on.
I'm into you. (KISSES)
- Then stay.
- I can't, man. I gotta wiggle.
- Okay.
- All right, shorty.
- Be safe.
- All right.
You got to be kidding me.
Where the fuck my car go?
Fuck.
Paloma?
Man, what is her last name?
Damn.
Fuck.
Fuck, dawg.
This shit is crazy, dude.
Yo.
Hey, y'all sell iPhone chargers?
Huh?
IPhone chargers.
Do y'all sell iPhone chargers?
Right there in the back.
Nah, the other one.
The white one.
Yeah.
Ten dollar.
(GATA SIGHS)
Hey, you think you could
charge it up for me, though?
No.
For real?
No.
Man (SCOFFS)
Hey, what's up, O. G.?
You mind if I get back there
and see if there's an outlet?
I got a couple dollars for you, man.
I ain't trying
to make you uncomfortable.
I just need to charge my phone.
No!
No touch!
- Are you serious?
- No!
I'm just trying to charge my phone, bro.
- Go away, man!
- (SCOFFS)
Hey, sir, my phone's dead, man.
- You mind if I use your car charger?
- Sorry.
(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)
Why the fuck this shit
got to happen to me?
(SIGHS)
(KNOCKING)
GATA: Hey.
Can I use a wall outlet
to charge my phone?
We're not open.
Man, I need some help.
It's late out here.
Sorry, man.
Man, come (SCOFFS)
♪
(SIGHS)
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(MUTTERING)
(WHISPERS): Oh, fuck.
(PHONE CHIMES)
(EXHALES)
(PHONE KEYS CLICKING)
(LINE RINGING)
(QUIETLY): Hello?
Hey, my name is Davionte Ganter.
My car just got towed.
It's a gold 2004 Chevy Impala.
Okay. 3241 Mill Street.
All right. Thank you.
3241 Mill Street. 3241 Mill Street.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
(CLOSES DOOR)
(GROANS) Fuck, man.
Yo!
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
(MUTTERS)
(SCOFFS)
♪
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
♪
How long do I have to do this shit?
Contractually, you got to talk
to him for 20 minutes.
- I'll give him 25, 'cause I like this.
- Attaboy.
I might as well
just get it over with, then.
- All right, well
- What is that? What was that?
- What?
- Be the bigger man.
No. He's-he's wrong,
and I'm not No way.
All right, guys, uh,
you mind if I join this group
of Jewish boys?
Or I suppose there's
multiracial things happening.
But can I hang out with you?
- BOYS: Yeah.
- Um
which one of you guys
has the biggest cock?
(LAUGHTER)
All right, let's go, let's hang out.
MIKE: My boy Darren is such an athlete.
I've broken up four or five
fights on the T-ball field,
- 'cause he just gets so into it.
- Really?
He-he charges the
mound almost every game.
- In T-ball?
- A hundred percent.
- Wow.
- And is he running through first?
I always tell him,
"Run through, turn right.
- You turn left, you're live."
- Uh-huh.
So he's gotten in a couple of scraps,
and
and that's something that
I need to work on, to be honest.
You know,
it's got to be a love in there.
It can't just be all aggro.
You got to love the kid.
You know?
- Lechayim. Yeah.
- Lechayim.
Look at me. My life on paper
couldn't be better.
I'm actually a rapper.
I go around the country
and I get sucked.
And still even still
My life pales in comparison
to the lives you're living right now.
It's so much more fun to be
a kid than any other time in life.
Have you met Lil Nas X?
No.
Uh, you ever pass each other out?
What's that?
That's where you put your hands
on the one person's neck
until you lose oxygen,
you black out and faint.
No? I used to do it
with my deejay all the time.
It was amazing.
- Elz, right?
- Yeah.
I know your whole crew.
You guys are savages.
Thank you. Yeah,
we, uh, we grew up together.
We would always, honestly, compete
over who could do the craziest shit.
Speaking of shit, have you
ever shit on each other's shit?
Laxatives. Eat the laxatives. Come in.
Gut full of laxatives. Shit.
Next guy comes in ready to pop.
Polaroid camera. Picture.
Post it all over the lockers at school.
We'd get canceled if we did that.
Oh, my God, are you kidding?
- You guys worry about cancel culture?
- You have to.
You have the perfect alibi.
You're young. You don't know any better.
Your brains aren't even fully formed.
Like, the grooves in your skull
aren't even, like, creased.
- Huh.
- MOSKOWITZ: Tell me,
- what's your, uh, wife do?
- Mm.
Other than break my wallet?
(LAUGHS)
I know that feeling.
I know you do. I saw.
This is unbelievable.
(LAUGHING)
- This is remarkable, this home.
- Yeah.
Uh, she's a bleeding-heart
liberal, to the max.
We are. I'm as far left as it goes.
I'm so far left
I might come back around.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh, she, uh,
the company is called Climace.
- Climace.
- Have you never heard of it?
- No.
- They
What they do is,
they combat climate change
and racism at the same time,
simultaneously.
- Really?
- It's such a great organization,
but the name is bad, you know.
We're big BLM'ers.
Are you into are you BLM?
- Well, of course. Yeah.
- Of cour Yes.
The whole time,
I thought there would only be
the small, faint amount,
and then you're done.
'Cause there's nothing else there.
I couldn't imagine that you'd
do another one, and there'd be
I-I was mind-blown.
I thought, I didn't realize
you're supposed to wipe until
there's literally nothing there.
'Cause I thought, if it's that faint,
there can't possibly be more.
I mean, back when I was
your age, the first time
I ever jerked off,
I used my own thoughts.
I mean, if I tried to do that now,
the women would turn to sand
and blow away in the wind.
- Why?
- 'Cause we're overly stimulated now.
Isn't it crazy that "boner" is
the best option we have
to, like, refer to a hard penis?
"Hard-on"? Like, anyone is
you're white trash
if you say "hard-on."
You know? And I mean no disrespect
to any of you guys
who might be white trash.
No, he told me on his own.
Mm.
No, it was really just a test
to see how he'd react.
I don't even need the credit.
I don't know if it's worth it anymore.
DAVE: If it makes you feel any better,
I feel the exact same way now
as I did when I was your age.
Like, mentally, in terms of, like,
the voices narrating my thoughts
It's a 13-year-old boy's voice, still.
My Torah passage makes it
such a big deal,
you know, becoming a man.
Ugh. Come on, Torah-schmorah.
You really believe that horseshit?
God made a man out of a woman's rib?
What is it, a five-inch man?
You know, all that
you really need to realize,
Jakey, is you're getting older,
and so perhaps start thinking
about being more mature
here and there and more responsible.
- That's all it is.
- But you just said
you're the same way you've always been.
Yeah, but
you don't want to be like me, okay?
- Yeah, we do.
- OTHERS: Yeah.
No, you don't.
♪
(MUTTERING)
Yo.
Mm-mm.
Seriously
can we go talk for a second?
For what?
- I'm being serious.
- About what?
Just come on. I'm just
You're being so dramatic, though.
Just come on.
It's not that big of a deal.
The longer we let this bubble up,
the more it's gonna suck,
so let's just
"Bubble up"? Why you acting
like such a bitch, bro?
Why is it such a dick-swinging contest?
A dick-swinging contest?
Dude, nothing is dick-swinging.
Just grow the fuck up
and stop acting like a bitch.
- Me grow up? You How?
- You grow up.
I've never even
Bro.
(SIGHS) I don't know.
- Dude.
- I don't I'm trying to
I'm trying to find the words,
too, but
I'm trying to think about
what it was that they were
I can't even
I mean, should we say anything
to these people,
or is this, like, textbook
boyhood experimentation, right?
- Like
- Not my job, bro.
I just think about the stuff
we used to do,
like, with the marker and, like, the
Okay, enough.
But that doesn't matter to me,
because
MOSKOWITZ: Hey! Hey!
- JAKEY: Dad!
- Can I have a word with you guys?
Yeah. Sure.
Any idea what this is?
- Hmm?
- Oh.
Why would you post that on TikTok?
Are you out of your mind, Jakey?
- I'm so I mean
- So you do know.
- JAKEY: Dad!
- I had to get this sent to me
- by another parent.
- Dad! - I'm sorry.
- That's got nothing to do with us.
- Whoa, whoa.
We didn't do anything about that.
- We just happened to walk
- We walked in
No, no. Jakey told me that you said
that because his brain
isn't fully formed,
that he can do whatever he wants?
So out of context. Like, there
was a whole circle of trust
- that was
- Oh, a-and what's this
I hear about cunnilingus on a marsupial?
Hamster's a rodent, and it's
it's a cautionary tale
and it's got nothing to do with what
- I don't give I do not care!
- We had nothing to do with that.
- Okay.
- All right?
You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Both of you. Get out of my house.
- I mean, what
How do you think he talks?
What do you think happens when he?
What does it matter?
We get paid on the back end.
He listens to Lil Dicky
I'm not paying you any more
money, not another dollar!
- Bro.
- No. You just lea
- What do you mean?
- But you need to leave right now.
When you have a contract with somebody,
you just have to pay them
the money that they're owed.
Hey, you want to control
your posse? Huh?
- Oh, my God.
- Posse? Get a grip.
It's a very racially charged
word, "posse," okay?
Why don't you think
about the things you say?
- Racially charged?
- He's my fucking friend, okay?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- You booked Lil Dicky.
- I don't know what you expect.
- I can't believe
that you let Darren hang around
with these perverts!
- Who the fuck is Darren?
- No, get the hell out right now!
This is a chain
reaction that you started.
Leave right now!
I didn't start anything!
You guys started it!
- Fine, all right. I'm sorry, Jakey.
- Get out of my house now!
JAKEY: Now they're leaving!
Your fault! You're the worst dad ever!
You just suck it up, okay?
- MIKE: Hey.
- Don't have a fit!
It's his bar mitzvah.
(ELZ CHUCKLES)
(BOTH LAUGH)
I can't believe that kid
posted that on TikTok.
ELZ: I was thinking the same thing.
I can't believe
that we got kicked out of
another fucking bar mitzvah bro.
What the fuck is going on?
We should've just
called in a bomb threat.
We were such assholes back then.
You were the bigger asshole
when we were kids, for the record.
I was the bigger asshole?
We were both pretty bad.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Being a bigger asshole.
- DAVE: Oh my God.
- Go!
Go, fucking go!
Get out! Get out! Go!
Come on, it's time!
- Come on, piggy boy!
- Come on, it's time! It's time!
- We're free! We're free!
- Come on! Come on!
Save your soul. Save your soul, llama.
Come on, Pig Newton.
It's time to go, Pig Newton.
Aah! Aah! (MOCK SOBBING)
Go! Go! Yes, yes, yes!
Go, go, go. Go, go, go.
Where'd you park?
Uh, this way.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(LOWING)
(BLEATING)
(QUIETLY): What the fuck?
That's crazy.
(LOWING, BLEATING)
JAKEY: No, d-don't leave.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Gata! Gata! Gata!
I-It's my bar mitzvah,
and my dad just kicked out LD,
a-and now everyone's leaving.
What you mean LD got kicked out?
I-I know all your songs.
You guys are my favorites.
Just please help.
(PANTING): Please.
I got you, bro.
I'm gonna hook you up, man.
Okay.
- (ELECTRONIC CHIME)
- Okay.
This for you, man.
- You say it's your bar mitzvah?
- Yes. Yes.
- I got you, bro.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
- Come on, man.
- Yeah.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- Shorty wanna ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my
Shorty wanna check ♪
Check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my Shorty wanna ♪
Guys, come on! Gata! Gata!
Check, check,
man, you need to check up ♪
Real paper in my Paper Denims ♪
Real nigga gonna pay for dinner ♪
Oh, I'm braggin', I'm sorry ♪
What I love, calamari ♪
The good life ain't new to me ♪
Tell me what you're gonna do for me ♪
I'm with two hos,
that's two for three ♪
Really pimpin' like, really? ♪
Hold up, baby, I'm boomin' ♪
Cameras on me, they zoomin' ♪
I pray to God I don't lose it ♪
Spike Lee make a movie ♪
About everything I'm doin' ♪
These Benjamins I'm pursuin' ♪
I'm after Jacksons, I'm the captain ♪
At the dinner table
with some black napkins ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my checkup ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
'Cause I got my checkup ♪
Shorty wanna check,
check, check, check ♪
- 'Cause I got my checkup ♪
- Shorty wanna ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
Man, you need to check up ♪
All hundos, just for fun, though ♪
Swordfish, that's for lunch, though ♪
Room service, my breakfast ♪
24-7 I'm flexin' ♪
- Jackboys wanna jack the boy ♪
- Nope ♪
'Cause they know
I'm 'bout my stacks, boy ♪
Money preachin' like Pastor Troy ♪
I'm the man, girl, ask your boy ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
- 'Cause I got my checkup ♪
- Shorty wanna ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
- 'Cause I got my checkup ♪
- Shorty wanna ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
- 'Cause I got my checkup ♪
- Shorty wanna ♪
Check, check, check, check ♪
Man, you need to check up. ♪