Dead to Me (2019) s02e05 Episode Script

- I made you a heart.
- Gross.
[SIGHS] Last trap is clear.
You should be good.
[JEN] Thank you, Slade.
None of them gnawed
into your freezer, right?
- No.
- Mnh-mnh.
You're lucky. It's a solid machine.
You want it?
[SLADE] Seriously?
Dead serious.
I could use it, I've got
seven kids, but [SIGHS]
I can't afford this Cadillac.
- Please take it.
- It's yours.
Oh, I feel so much lighter with
that freezer out of there.
Ooh, flax crackers.
I am so happy I never have
to see that thing again.
Yeah, right?
It's nice not to have that constant
reminder hanging over you.
Yeah. [SIGHS]
Okay, so, go on this ride with me.
- Yeah.
- Paella tonight.
It's a six-hour process, but
no risks, no reward, right?
Do you know if we have
saffron at the house?
Uh [SIGHS]
no, you know, I don't.
And I know that your
back has been hurting,
so after dinner, pot gummies, hot tub
- Ooh, I'm listening.
- Then a documentary about Indian women
who make their own maxi pads. It's
supposed to be really empowering.
You know what else is empowering?
Four bottles for the price of three.
See, that's so lucky.
I'm telling you, since I sent
the petrified rock back,
there's been an energetic shift.
I hope so, 'cause mama
needs a fucking break.
[SCANNER BEEPING]
There's also that documentary
about the Saudi Arabian
women who get to drive.
Is it "Sowdi" or "Sawdi"?
Anyway, I don't know
if they get to drive,
or because they already know,
or if they learn to drive,
but it's supposed to be really good.
$263,42.
There's also the one about
misogyny and revenge porn.
Ooh, take a penny,
leave a penny! I love that.
[BEEPS]
Oh, sorry, your card didn't go through.
Oh, just run it again, please.
Uh, I already did. Twice.
Well, then something must be
wrong with your runner thingy.
Or your card's maxed out.
Maybe your card's maxed out.
That doesn't even make sense.
Just take some items out.
Do you really need
eight bottles of wine?
Oh, I'm sorry, are you the wine sheriff?
Because I am the dick police
and you have the right
to remain fucking silent.
What is your problem, lady?
You're my fucking problem, Tyler!
- Eww.
- [JEN MOCKS]
[JEN AND JUDY GASP]
I'm not paying for that.
I'm not cleaning that up.
- [MOCKS]
- I will.
- No worries.
- Ah, shit.
[SIGHS]
- I didn't realize it was that bad.
- Yeah.
- What can I do?
- You got 20 grand I can borrow?
Not liquid, no.
- If I can get my paintings back
- Oh, Judy, it's
How else can I help?
You know, there's, like, a
like, a hovering that can stop
- Oh.
- maybe.
- Sorry. Nobody likes a hoverer.
- No, it's okay.
Is it your back?
- Do you need your brace?
- Oh, fucking stop!
- Fine.
- I'm sorry.
It's okay.
[SIGHS]
Look, Judy, you know that I love you.
I love you too.
And I know these last few
weeks have been intense,
but we have hung out every day
for all the days, and, um, it's been
Really nice.
Yeah, yeah, but
Look, I know you have
a lot of love to give.
Thank you.
Uh, but it's getting
a little co-dependy,
and, uh, I just, I kind
of need some space,
you know, just, like,
to kind of get my life back on track.
Yeah, yeah. Totally.
- Okay?
- Right.
Yeah, s
Cool.
Did you want the time
to start right now?
I do.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
If you need anything, I'm just
Yeah, I know how close you are.
- Yeah, I'm gonna
- Okay.
Busy doing some stuff, but
Okay, great.
Thank you.
- [MAN] Excuse me.
- Sorry. [LAUGHS]
- An Arby's?
- [JUDY] Mm-hmm.
- I mean, yum.
- Sure, it's great for the community,
but the gallery is, like,
just totally gone.
[STAMMERS] I just really need
my paintings back, you know?
Well, yeah, of course,
it's your life's work.
I was hoping I could sell them.
You don't happen to know
where they are, do you?
No, I don't, sorry. I could ask Howard.
No, don't ask Howard.
I mean, he's, like, super busy.
He's got a lot on his plate.
Speaking of plates, thank
you for sharing your lunch.
This sandwich is really
filling the old void.
[CHUCKLES] Of course.
You don't think that maybe they ended up
back at your parents' house, do you?
No, no, sorry.
But, Judy,
I wanted to tell you something.
You were right.
- I was?
- Mm-hmm.
Steve did go to Mexico.
- What?
- Mm-hmm. A month ago.
They have a record of him crossing
the border in a white truck.
Oh, my God.
Did they know what he was doing there?
I don't know, something about car
parts. Is this really homemade?
'Cause this tastes
store-bought, in a good way.
No, I make my own nut butter.
Oh, she's so casual about it.
Anyway, turns out the FBI
is after a much bigger fish.
Okay? So if we can find him
and get him to cooperate,
they'll cut him a deal,
and he'll be okay.
- Really?
- Yeah. That's something, right?
- Yeah, that's really something.
- Okay, so,
- Jude
- Yeah.
- If you know anything else
- I don't.
what he was doing a
few days beforehand.
- I don't.
- If you know where he is
- I don't.
- If you know, please tell me.
- I wish I did. I would
- We're desperate.
- You can trust me.
- I do!
All I know is that he
was really stressed.
He bought a condo a few days ago,
and then he pulled out of the deal,
which really fucked
Jen over financially.
Wait. Jen, your Jen?
Who?
Jen saw him a couple days ago?
Um
I mean, did I say a few days ago?
[LAUGHS] I have such a loose
grasp on time. You know me.
[MUTTERS, LAUGHS]
Huh.
[PANTS]
You fucking idiot.
Stupid fucking idiot.
[SOBS] What did you do?
What did you do?
Tsk. Why can't you just be quiet?
[SNIFFLES]
Fucking be quiet, for once.
Why can't you be fucking quiet?
Why can't you ever be
quiet for a minute?!
Why can't you ever just shut your
mouth and do what you're told?
[GASPS]
[MUTTERS]
- Oh, shit, sorry
- No, sorry, I just, um
It's not your fault. I should
have locked the door.
- Are you sure?
- No, yeah, come on in.
I'll wash my hands and be gone.
- [SIGHING]
- Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm just You know.
[LAUGHS] I'm having a day.
Ugh, me too.
- Fuck this day.
- Yeah, right?
- [SIGHS]
- Mercury's in retrograde or something.
Huh. It's always in
retrograde, isn't it?
- Right?
- [LAUGHS]
Are you okay?
- Eh.
- Do you want to talk about it?
- God, no. Do you?
- Ugh. My God, no. [LAUGHS]
Do you want to maybe drink about it?
I really shouldn't, so
Well, there's a lot of
things we shouldn't do.
Yes.
I would very much like
to drink about it.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[EXHALES]
Oh, hey, Lorna. Lorna. Lorna!
- Can I talk to you for a minute?
- Well, make it snappy, Jennifer.
I have a promising lunch date
with a one-term state senator.
He saw my Over Asking cover story
and vigorously pursued me.
Why are you walking like a cripple?
Oh, I was playing
basketball with Charlie,
and I pulled my back out, so back brace.
What on Earth were you
thinking? You're over 50.
- Uh, no, actually, I'm not.
- Are you sure?
Okay, can I just talk now?
How much do you think I
could get for my house?
You mean our house?
No, I mean, you helped with
the deposit, but it's not your
I gave you the entire down payment.
My name's on the deed.
- It is?
- Ted insisted.
He did?
Okay, um, anyway, things are
just a little tight right now,
and I have fallen
behind on our mortgage.
And I just think it's time for
the boys and I to downsize.
No.
What do you mean "no"?
I won't let you sell the only home
those boys have ever known.
A home filled with
memories of their father.
Your problem isn't your
mortgage, Jennifer.
Your problem is you.
Excuse me?
Your personality's off-putting.
It's affecting your sales.
Well, you know, it's not my fault
that the pregnant couple
didn't want to live in a
house with black mold.
The pregnant people closed on
the mold house this morning,
once I stepped in.
Once you stepped in?
They just needed a loving little nudge.
But that's never been your strong suit.
Always bothered Ted.
Just remember,
the only harder sell than a
moldy house is a bitter woman.
No one wants to live with that.
- [HONKING]
- [LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
What the fuck is this?
[LAUGHS] What the fuck?
[ZIPS]
Fuck off.
[LAUGHS] Charlie!
This car is such a flex.
Where did you get it?
My mom had it stashed away.
I think it's for my birthday.
It's, like, straight fire. [CHUCKLES]
Should we see how fast it can go?
Fuck, yeah.
[ENGINE REVS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[LAUGHING]
[SHOUTS] Ah! My hair! My hair!
[JEN] No, no. No. The cameras work.
Uh, just
you know, too well. Haha.
So I was just realizing that I
don't want the full coverage.
So if there's any way that I could
possibly scale back that
Mm-hmm.
Gotcha. Yep, yep, yep.
No, I know, I signed the
contract, so there's that.
Um
While I have you on the phone,
do you think you could
walk me through
um, erasing some footage that I have?
Okay.
Yeah, I just
Mm-hmm. Okay.
Hiya.
- Hi.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to barge.
Janice said to just come on in.
Oh, well, if Janice says it,
then I guess it's fine.
[BELT UNFASTENS]
[JEN GROANS]
Um
How can I, um
What are you doing here?
Oh, right, um
Don't want to take up too
much of your time, but, uh
I just had lunch with Judy,
and, uh, she said you
were working with Steve.
She did? She said that?
She said he backed out
of a deal or something
right before he disappeared,
uh, said he screwed
you over pretty badly.
I wouldn't say screwed, no.
She said "fucked," actually. [LAUGHS]
Oh.
Yeah, but, uh, you know what?
Deals fall through all the time.
No hard feelings.
Right, right. Well, did he
give you a reason why,
or was he acting weird at all?
You know what? I don't really know
him, so I don't know his baseline.
You may be one of the
last people to see him
Well, I wasn't.
I mean, I'm sure I wasn't,
because he has a lot of associates
and and, uh, the people.
Of course.
- Sorry I can't help you.
- Yeah.
Just one more question. Uh
Mm-hmm.
Hmm. Do you ever do
short-term rentals? [LAUGHS]
I'm sorry, what?
I just don't know how long
this is gonna go on for,
and I'm living with my mom,
and I love her to death,
but it's kind of like I
can't take it anymore,
if that makes sense? [LAUGHS]
Mm-hmm, it does.
Let me just look for some
short-term listings for you.
[GROANS]
Uh, L4-L5?
- What?
- Your back.
Oh, uh, L5-S1. It was close.
[GRUNTING] How long were
you, um, wanting to
- to get a place?
- Hard to tell.
I don't know. We were
hoping to find him by now.
People don't just vanish, you know?
Yeah.
- [GROANS]
- Are you okay?
Mm-hmm. I'm fine.
I wouldn't lean over any more.
You're gonna seize.
- [GROANING]
- Okay.
[JEN SIGHS] I'm good.
[BEN] Uh, are you sure?
Uh, yep.
Rentals, though you might want to look
at the long-terms, too. [GROANS]
- Are you
- I'm good.
- Can I
- No, I'm fine.
[JEN] Thank you for driving me home.
- You didn't have to
- [BEN] No sweat.
Okay, no pressure, I could
do a quick adjustment
- Oh, God, no.
- No?
- No. No, I'm perfectly fine.
- Okay.
- This is yeah, I don't
- Right.
I just need to get to the chair.
- Easy, easy.
- I'm good.
Really, I am. I am [GROANING]
[MOANS] Yep.
- Yep.
- I'm good. [SIGHS]
Okay. Well, that didn't inspire a
boatload of confidence, but
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Aww, shit.
- I'll get that.
- Oh. Okay, thank you.
- Hi.
- Uh, hello.
- Uh, do I know you?
- You do now.
- I'm Ben.
- Hi. Um, that's my friend. [LAUGHS]
- Hi, Jen.
- Hi, Karen.
Sorry, didn't realize you had company.
Oh, yeah, it's not
I just cracked open some orange
huh-huh! Are you interested?
You know what, Karen,
please don't open it.
- It's tight.
- Listen. Yeah.
I actually pulled my back
out, so maybe later.
After my chiropractor leaves.
- [KAREN GASPS] Oh!
- Okay?
Pulled your back out.
I get it.
Uh, you were here the
other night, right?
Sorry, what?
- No.
- [KAREN] Yes.
I saw you on my street cam. [LAUGHS]
Remember, the next day you said
you were with a full-grown man?
I got it right here.
- Karen, shut up.
- It's really
Shut up.
It's not him. You don't
know what you're saying.
You're drunk.
[STUTTERING] I'm gonna go get some ice.
Okay.
I'm sorry. Oh, God.
I hope I didn't ruin anything.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
Just Jeff's out of town
again, you know, and I just
[SOBS] I get lonely.
I know. Listen, you're okay.
Can you just go home, please?
Okay.
I love you.
I love, love, love, love.
I'm just gonna keep that.
You shouldn't have that.
All right. [SIGHS]
- Sorry.
- [EXHALES] Oh, my God.
Fuck.
[EXHALES]
- Hey.
- [JEN] Hey. I'm sorry about all that.
She's just kind of going
through a rough patch.
Husband's cheating on her with a dude.
Oh. Well, that's gotta make
you take a good, long look.
What was she talking about?
- Huh?
- She said something about the guy
she thought was me, that
was here the other night?
And was it Steve?
No.
No?
Sorry, I just
I assumed that it was a
guy who looked like me,
- and you were working with him
- Oh, that's no, no, no, no.
That was a completely
other man Timothy.
Gotcha. Oh, yeah, no, I'm yeah.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, and of course you could have
had a million other guys over.
- What?
- Not that you would've
[LAUGHS] had a million guys over.
[STAMMERS] And maybe you did or
Yeah, I'm gonna mind my own business,
and I'm going to just
be your "chiropractor."
Um, you should ice it.
Doctor's orders.
- [JEN] Thank you.
- [GRUNTS]
- Are you sure you're
- Yep.
[GROANS]
And it's back there.
[TRILLS] I'm good.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH LAUGH]
[KNOCK ON WINDOW]
[CHARLIE] Fuck.
Hey. You can't be parked here.
This your car?
Yeah, yeah, it's my car.
Well, take it somewhere else.
This is private property.
[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
We gotta get out of here.
- Oh, this place.
- Yeah.
[JUDY] Oh! Oh, my God!
- Oh, I love this view.
- I know, right?
- [JUDY] Thank you.
- Uh-huh.
[GASPS] It's gorgeous. I've
always wanted to come here.
Well, that works out.
- Are you hungry?
- Yes, but it doesn't look open.
Michelle, where are you going?
What are you doing?
- [MAN] Hey, Chef.
- Hey, Enrique.
"Chef"?
Yeah. They're letting
women be chefs now.
- What the fuck are they thinking?
- [LAUGHING]
I love to cook, too.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
[MICHELLE] All right.
Get back here and show me what you got.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
[JUDY GASPS] What?
Oh.
You should have seen your face
when you thought I was breaking in.
[LAUGHS]
I didn't know you were such a good girl.
Oh, I'm not.
I don't know.
Got those cute bangs and
that sweet little dress.
- It's really just a cover.
- [LAUGHS]
All right, what do you want?
Um, what's your specialty?
Making you happy.
- [GASPS] I like that specialty.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I don't know, surprise me.
[JEN] I'm only letting you do
this because I'm desperate.
- Oh, if I had a nickel
- Please don't make me change my mind.
Okay. Um, may I?
Yep.
All right. I'm really gonna
need you to relax here.
- I'm trying. I'm trying.
- Oh, yeah.
- Wiggle your toes.
- Huh?
Just wiggle your toes.
Okay.
- [BONES CRACK]
- He was fucking miserable, wasn't he?
[BEN] Well
that loosened something up.
- Yeah.
- Now, hang tight.
Okay. Um
Cross your arms for me.
I'm just gonna come in here gently
and lift you up just a little bit here.
All right.
Uh, big inhale.
[BOTH INHALE]
- [BEN] And let it out.
- [BONES CRACK]
You are one mean fucking bitch.
[EXHALES]
[CRYING]
- [SNIFFLES] I'm sorry.
- No, no, no. That's okay.
No need to apologize.
You know, we hold a lot
of stuff in our bodies.
- [GASPS]
- Trauma, stress
anger.
It's healthy to let it out.
[CRYING]
[LAUGHING]
February 21st.
- Of course you're a Pisces.
- Right?
You're artsy, and you're loving.
Ooh, maybe a little too loving.
Why do you say that
like it's a bad thing?
My friend Jen thinks
I'm a little clingy.
Is she a Scorpio?
- Yes.
- [MICHELLE] Hmm.
Are you a little bit psychic?
Hmm. I'm a Taurus. We know shit. Okay.
I'm gonna need you to try this
polenta before it gets cold.
[JUDY] Oh, my God.
That is the best polenta I've ever had.
Mine is never that creamy.
Eh, it's just butter.
I mean, there, I just summed
up culinary school for you
- in three words.
- Well, good.
- Now I don't have to go.
- [LAUGHS]
So, uh, how did you learn to cook?
Hmm.
I taught myself as a kid.
Oh, right. [EXHALES]
Was your mom not around much?
No. No, she kind of
disappeared a lot, so
So you had to take care of yourself?
Yeah.
And her.
I mean, when she finally
would come home,
she'd be so out of it that, uh,
if I didn't cook stuff,
she wouldn't eat, so
That's a lot for a kid.
Yeah. Thanks.
Um, did you want to
talk about that thing
you didn't want to talk about earlier?
It's not really that big
of a deal. I don't know.
My mom keeps calling my ex-girlfriend
to complain about me.
So that's a cool thing I got going on.
What's to complain about?
You're so good to her.
Or I'm a selfish dick.
Depends who you ask.
I think it's kind of nice they talk.
My ex's mom hated me.
How long ago did you guys break up?
Oh, a while ago.
Is your ex still in the picture?
[JEN] No one can ever
know what happened.
No.
No, it's definitely over.
Got it.
So did it not end well?
No.
But
I'm just trying to move on.
I hear that.
Hey.
Do you think that crystals
are bullshit nonsense,
or do you think that they
are magical compounds
formed by spiritual energy?
I know they're magical compounds
formed by spiritual energy.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I want you to have this.
It's my favorite.
- Is this a moonstone?
- Uh-huh.
[GASPS]
Are you really giving this to me?
Yeah. It symbolizes new beginnings.
To new beginnings.
To new beginnings.
[CLINKS]
I'm sorry. I'm not usually
the biggest fan
of crying in front of strangers.
Oh, hey. You're not the
first lady I've made cry.
- Hmm.
- Sorry. [SCOFFS]
You do that a lot, don't you?
Uh, make bad jokes?
Well, they're not terrible,
they're just not funny.
[CHUCKLES] Um, thanks for the feedback.
Yeah, sometimes I feel like
Steve got all the confidence in the
womb, and I got the heart defect.
You seem to have a pretty good heart.
Seven surgeries later, yeah.
- It's okay. Something I deal with.
- Hmm.
How about you? Your back pain,
is that a chronic thing?
Yeah, I was a dancer
- Really?
- for a long time.
- Me, too.
- Shut up.
Yeah, Miss Hedley's Dance Academy.
First through fifth grade.
Okay. Okay, this I have to see.
What?
You need to show me.
- [LAUGHS] You're gonna make me?
- Yep.
[GROANS]
[LAUGHS] This is going to be
- probably pretty good.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh.
- I don't even know what I'm doing here.
I don't know what you're doing either.
[LAUGHS] I'm not really
sure what's happening here.
[HUMS]
- Some of that. [SNAPS FINGERS]
- [LAUGHS] That's just
No, that didn't work.
- Little worm.
- [LAUGHING]
Eww.
- Wait for it.
- [LAUGHING]
Word. You're welcome.
That's so wrong.
How about a little Magic Mike?
Okay, now that's where we draw the line.
- That's just so stupid.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, God. Wow.
- Man, my heart. [PANTING]
- Oh.
Boy, how bad would you feel
if I died right now? [LAUGHS]
Sorry, that was
[GROANS] another one.
[SIGHS] Boy, I just keep them
coming, don't I? Sorry.
[LAUGHS]
What's this? "Say go to stop signs."
Yeah, I probably could have
workshopped that a little bit more.
Eh. Yeah, yeah, maybe.
Hmm. Thanks for the feedback.
Uh, no, my son is starting to drive.
So now I have become
that mother that I hate.
What's that?
A mother who cares about her kid?
Nothing wrong with that.
My poor mom, she
She's really going through
it right now. [EXHALES]
She's afraid to leave the house
'cause she thinks Steve'll walk
in and she won't be there.
Yeah, that's tough.
Yeah.
For all of us.
[SIGHS]
I haven't talked to him in over a year.
- Really?
- Mnh-mnh.
- What did he do?
- No.
I was drinking,
and we got into an argument
over something really stupid.
And [SIGHS]
I just started going off on him.
Everything I ever resented
about him just came, like,
exploding out of me. I just couldn't
keep it down, you know?
Of course, I regret it now.
Yeah, I'm sure.
I've been putting off making amends
with him, and now it's like
[SIGHS] you know,
what if I don't get to?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
- put all this on you.
- No, it's okay.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Oh, I'm sorry. It's my son. I have to
It's okay.
Hey. Hey, buddy.
What?
I told him to rip it out.
I mean, who the hell
wants a black toilet bowl?
No one. How am I gonna
tell if I'm hydrated?
Yeah! Exactly.
- You want to see your work.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
You gotta take that?
No, it's just my friend Jen.
[RINGS]
Wow.
- Who's the clingy one now?
- Right?
[MICHELLE] Mm-hmm.
But maybe I should just
[CLEARS THROAT] Hello?
Oh, my God, what?
What the hell, Charlie?
I didn't think it would run out
of gas. I just took it for a spin.
Run out of gas? What the fuck
are you even talking about?
This was not yours to take!
[PARKER CHUCKLES] I thought
it was a birthday present.
Hey, I'm Parker.
Get in the fucking car, Parker.
Both of you, in Judy's car, now!
What about my car?
Your car? Oh, no, no, no. You are
never seeing this thing again.
Get in her car.
[CHARLIE] Oh, fine.
- Holy shit.
- [JEN] I know.
- Holy shit, what are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
Just help me and get
them out of here, okay?
- I'll figure it out.
- [STAMMERS] Okay.
[JEN PANTING]
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
He was miserable, wasn't he?
Fucking go!
You are one mean fucking bitch.
I never want to see your
fucking face again!
[ECHOES] He was looking
for a way out, honey.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[MEOWS]