Derek s02e05 Episode Script

He likes his chin being tickled.
And his chest.
You know how I knows he likes it? Cos that little leg goes up.
He's sort of saying, "Thank you, that's my favouritest".
Can't push it down.
Not when he's enjoying himself.
Look.
He's showing, "No, I'm enjoying it.
" That leg, it's like a little signal.
He's going, "Keep doing it.
My leg's up - what does that tell you, Derek?" Tells me you wants me to keep doing it.
"Correct.
" I can't believe my luck when I sees Ivor.
I loves every dog in here, I loves every animal in here.
I loves every animal.
But Ivor is my favouritest of all.
I don't know why.
It's unexplainable.
It's just summat about him.
Makes me feel funny.
Makes me feel funny in my throat and then my heart, and everything.
And in my brain, all over really.
He feels it in his leg.
My best day ever.
The All the animals from the Medway Centre are in again, and the old people cuddle them and everything.
Good for them.
Good for the animals, good for the old people.
I cuddles them, too.
We're also doing our own art class, aren't we, Kev? Yeah.
Erm I'm doing both.
I'm playing with the animals and I'm trying to make Ivor.
But he keeps wriggling and running away.
It's difficult, so I do it from memory.
Look.
My favourite bit.
His little sausage tail.
Anyway, it's no good, I know it's no good, but I likes doing it.
I'm not good.
Kev's really good at art.
Cheers mate.
Always loved art.
Since I was a little kid.
Thought I'd be able to do something with it, but I found drink and lost my way a bit, I guess.
I've always been an artist.
Piss artist.
That's right, mate, laugh at a bloke's addiction.
Addiction? There's no such thing, is there? It's just will power, in't it? You know what I mean? "Oh, I can't stop drinking" Well, just stop drinking, you know? "Drugs are killing me".
Don't take drugs.
It's that simple, in't it? "I'm a fat greedy bastard.
" Don't eat all the cakes.
You know what I mean? I had a neighbour's kid, right - he was, uh, he was absolute tear-away at school, right.
They go, "Oh, he's bipolar, he's dyslexic".
No, he's not.
Moody little fucker, can't read.
My elbows hurt a bit.
Yeah, yeah, take a break.
Keeps him busy, don't it? Right.
That's enough for today.
Derek, we're going on a scavenger hunt.
What for? More stuff.
More junk.
Not now.
I wants to play with the animals.
Animals are going now anyway, Derek.
Why? Ivor gets tired very quickly now.
Does he? He's got a check-up this afternoon.
What's that? Just a once over, like an MOT.
MOT.
Check his blood, all that.
Change the oil.
Bye, Ivor.
Why aren't ya jumping around? He's not himself is he? Not himself.
Say "bye".
Bye, Ivor.
OK.
I ain't got long now, I can't collect scrap all day.
I got a job.
Unlike you.
I'll choose to ignore that, mate.
My mind is on a higher plain.
Is it? Yeah.
I'm an outsider artist.
You should be outside, mate.
You don't even work here.
No.
What I mean is I get, you know, found objects to create powerful sculptures.
That's going to be a robot.
You're not doing it in here.
It's dangerous.
Oh, Kev, you can't have that in here.
Oh, for fuckin' hell.
It's GBH of the lugholes, in't it? Come on, take it down to Geoff's workshop I don't want it in there! Then take it outside Geoff's workshop, OK? Jesus Christ! You can't leave it here.
Come on, Derek.
Look at this! I know.
That catches someone! All right.
Unbelievable, in't it? Bet it could electrocute a dog.
Be careful, Derek That's scuffling.
It's scuffling the carpet, and that's metal.
Down there, look at that.
If that catches someone going by - and with dogs running about? OK, leave it out! Just saying.
You can see he's doing it, can't ya? He's doing it, he's doing it.
All right.
I don't want to see it again.
Mind the telly! What are you doing, then? What? Are you getting on with anything, or just I'm sorting this place out, mate.
Yeah! Get rid of undesirables like that.
He's not undesirable.
I likes him.
You like everything though, don't you? Better than not liking anything.
I'd rather like things than not like it, like you.
I like things.
It's making me angry.
Come on! What? Lay off, Geoff, yeah? Oh, sorry, have I wound him up, have I touched a nerve.
Sorry, mate.
Common sense has just gone out the window in this place.
Does my head in, this place.
It is not conducive to building a fine sculpture of a robot.
With a monster cock.
I hate to agree with Geoff but he has got a point, you know.
Kev shouldn't be here, but he definitely shouldn't be here with a trolley full of saws and rusty old spikes.
I need to borrow the soldering iron, mate.
I can't let you have that.
Shut up.
You're not qualified.
It's not yours, is it? It's not yours either.
Oh, really? Don't lose it! Oh, don't lose it? Yeah! Oh, really? Don't lose it? Yeah! I was going to take it upstairs and lose it, mate.
That's why I want it.
I was going to lose it for you.
What? Prat.
I mean, you know, this job is stressful enough without having to worry about Kev and his latest hobby.
You know, dragging in loads of contaminated junk.
I don't want to have to give a 90-year-old a tetanus jab.
And my personal life isn't going great, to be honest.
You know, Tom has just dropped the bombshell - that he's thinking about going back in the merchant navy.
So I'm not having a good time at the moment.
Seriously.
What's your problem? I need to work.
I don't see the point of a relationship where you only see each other for a couple of weeks a year.
I don't want that.
I'm going to make that clear.
You need to grow up.
How's getting a job not growing up? Because you're running away.
I'm not running away.
I'd be going to earn some money then coming home again like normal people do.
Oh, so screw the relationship.
Screwing it? That's helping our relationship.
I thought we were trying for a baby? We did try for a baby.
We DID? Right.
That was it? That was my one chance? Who the fuck are you - Henry VIII?! What happened there? Just so we're clear - if you decide to get on that boat then you've made the decision that we're splitting up.
No.
That is not my decision.
You're saying if I get on the boat it means we are splitting up - that's your decision.
Oh, so you have decided to get on the boat What is going on?! You're getting oil all over the place! For fuck's sake! Have a word with her Tom? Pop a muzzle on it, mate.
Kev, that's Oh, come off it! This is ridiculous! He made me do it.
He's making me You can't put this shit through an old people's home! He's making a robot.
Yeah.
I think Hannah's going through a lot at the moment.
I don't even know if I could do what she does.
I think she's a bit of a saint.
She proper takes the weight of the world on her shoulders, d'you know what I mean, like? I see her She does everything here, like she looks after them all.
She's always got a smile on her face, but I see her.
She does get stressed sometimes, but she just deals with it.
She's amazing.
This job comes with a lot of challenges and Kev's just one of them to be honest.
Www-dot-sweethearts-online-dot-com.
Derek Noakes.
There we are.
I knew it.
"Sorry, you're inbox is empty" It's always going to be empty.
No one wants to go out with me.
You'll be alright, mate.
I know what it's like to feel down.
Believe it or not, I used to think I'd never make anything of my life.
Is that it? That finish there.
Thanks, Kev.
Poor Derek.
Fancy having Kev as a life coach.
That's bad news, in't it? I can't help him.
I can't give him any advice.
What do I know about relationships? You know.
Got to sort my own life out.
Need to talk to Tom about what we're doing.
I don't want to scare him, don't want to lose him but, you know, I need to know we've got a secure future or what's the point? I mean, it's her rule, it's, it's it doesn't make sense.
I should be able to earn a living.
I need to earn a living.
I don't see why that means you can't have a relationship.
As well.
I don't want to break up.
II love her.
I want to be with her, but I want to .
.
provide.
My dad's not very well, so I broughts his whiskey.
Says it makes him feel better.
He says it's his best medicine.
Look, he's in bed.
And you lot can fuck off! Sorry.
He's perked up a bit, han't he? Derek, what's that? What? What's that? I ain't got nothing.
Come on.
He can't have that.
He wants his whiskey.
Says it makes him feel better.
He can't have whiskey.
He says its his best medicine.
It won't make him feel better, it'll make him feel worse.
The doctor said no.
And I said no.
OK? You got to be cruel to be kind.
I'm going to confiscate this till he feels better.
Where's the whiskey? Hannah CONSIFICATED it, because you can't have it, cos you gotta be cruel to be kind.
There were people on the Titanic who pushed away their pudding.
I don't know what that means.
But you can't have your whiskey.
Oh, for fuck's sake, I want my whiskey! I should never have allowed you to bring me here.
Now he's ill AND angry.
People always want to live a long life.
Live a fun life.
Yeah If you don't smoke and drink you live another ten years.
But they're the worst ten years.
Helps you forget things, dun'it, drink? That's why people drinks.
Cos they want to feel better.
Why Kev drinks.
I worrys about Kev, drinking.
I worry about my dad but my dad's old.
Kev drinks too much.
He's always drunk.
He don't hurt anyone.
Except himself.
Everything's bad for you, but I won't judge people for having a drink.
I mean life's hard.
But you have to know that you roll the dice.
It's your choice.
You take your chances.
Yeah, I drink.
So what? Deal with it.
I'm a drinker.
It's what I do.
Beats my reality.
I don't push drink onto anyone, so don't push your sobriety onto me, please.
I don't drink, I don't create.
I don't create, I'm nobody.
Ahh, I got I tried it.
When I was sober I tried to make stuff, picked up a toaster, didn't see anything.
Had a drink - looked like a giant robot minge.
But, yeah, I like doing my art.
Yeah.
It gives me pleasure, and it doesn't cause any harm, does it? It's nice to express what's going on in my head.
Add a bit of beauty to the world, hopefully.
Robocock.
Or Exsperminator.
Or Hard-on-D2.
OK.
Yeah.
OK.
We'll We'll see you later.
Thanks.
Bye.
Ivor's got to be put down.
He's got, erm I've got to tell Derek.
Fuck.
He was playing with him today.
Derek.
What? I just had a phone call from Medway.
Yeah.
You know Ivor was going for that check-up this afternoon? Yeah.
It turns out that he's really not very well, at all.
Why? He's got cancer.
No, he hasn't.
He's really not very well, Derek, and they ha What will they do? How will they They give him They're going to put him down.
Why's? He's not in any pain now but if they don't do it then he will be in pain.
And they just called to let you know, in case you wanted to go Yeah, I do.
You want to go be there.
When is it? It's this afternoon.
OK.
Do you want me to come with you? Yeah.
OK, do you want to get your stuff? Yeah.
OK, darling.
Kev, I can't help you with the It's all right.
I gotta go.
All right.
Hannah, have you seen the ladle anywhere? What? The ladle, I can't find it.
I've been looking for it all over.
Cheese grater's gone missing and all.
Tea strainer I couldn't find earlier.
Well, I don't know what's going on, to be honest.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
'Things are really getting on top of me right now.
'I mean, Kev's doing my head in.
'Now he's actually stealing stuff from the home 'for his stupid sculptures.
That's got to stop.
'And Tom, I mean, I don't know what's going on there to be honest.
'I think I might have blown that.
'But, worst of all, Ivor's got to be put down.
'This is really not a good day.
' Hello, Ivor.
Hello, Ivor.
Good boy.
I'll take him down.
Come on.
Come on, Ivor.
So we just give him a little injection in his leg.
He won't feel a thing.
His body just gently slows down and then it will just pass very quietly.
Won't it, boy? That's a good boy.
We def We definitely has to put him down, yeah? I think it's the kindest thing.
When When Jack had bad kidneys, we didn't put him down.
We tried to save him, didn't we? Of course we did.
Of course we did but I'll give Ivor my kidneys.
You need your kidneys.
I don't.
I don't use 'em.
You do use them.
I don't.
Rarely.
Well, I'm afraid that won't really work because your kidneys are wrong for Ivor.
Sorry, Ivor, I've got the wrong kidneys.
And he won't feel a thing? He won't feel a thing.
Sorry, Ivor.
I loves him.
He doesn't know what's going to happen, does he? He doesn't know.
He's my favouritest dog.
Can I hold him when you does it? Course you can.
Just have to find a little vein on his leg.
That's it.
There we are.
Good boy.
Think of that, Derek.
He had a life packed with nothing but fun.
And then it just ended in the most peaceful, gentle way with his loved ones around him.
Yeah.
Not one day of discomfort.
No.
It's the perfect life.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ivor's ball.
Don't you want to keep that to remember Ivor by? I'll never forget him.
Ever.
Can you bury that with him? I'm thinking if there is a heaven, he can play with that in heaven, can't he? Geoff said pets aren't allowed in heaven cos they've got no souls.
If that's true, I don't want to go.
I'll go where the pets are.
Bye.
Bye-Bye.
Bye.
I'm going to walk back.
I wants to think of Ivor.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I wanna walk.
All right.
See you in a bit.
Bye.
He's good in't he, Kev? Good friend.
I likes it when he surprises people.
He doesn't surprise me.
I knows he's good.
I don't find anyone surprising, cos I always thinks, everyone's surprising.
Do you know what I mean? You can't ever You can't ever think you know someone cos they've got summat else.
You don't know when it's going to happen.
Kev Kev surprises you when he needs to.
It's great.
You made your decision, then? I need to get a job.
That's all I'm doing.
Tom, if you get on that boat, you've made a decision that we're splitting up.
That's not OK.
Bye, Nan.
Bye, darling.
'Life goes on, don't it?' I mean, it's his decision.
It's better I found out now.
It's good.
Come on.
Shouldn't film this.