Dharma & Greg s02e05 Episode Script

That's absurd.
Get your head out of your patootie.
'M not the one whose head is in my patootie.
Why would they call it French toast if it wasn't invented in France? Because "French" makes it sound cassy.
Like with fries.
Or sticking your tongue down someone's throat.
- Excuse me.
We're eating here.
- Edward brought it up.
What said was that you can't get good Canadian bacon in Canada.
- Excuse me! Hello.
- Now So The list of what we will not discuss at the dinner table now includes religion, politics, sports, whether or not Buddy Ebsen is dead and international breakfast foods.
- Fine.
- Okay.
- Come on, somebody say something! - My foot's aseep.
That's because it's up your patootie.
Abby, you know, my mother does an awful lot of fundraising.
- Why don't you te her about your raffe.
- T's a doar a ticket.
And all the proceeds go to preserve Spotswood Lake which is a stopover for the Alaskan gray mallard.
First prize is a hundred dollar gift certificate to Everything Hemp.
Sounds lovely.
Although, if you really want to get rid of this bird - Save the bird.
- Save the bird you might be better off with a proper fundraising event.
You mean some kind of snooty, black tie wingding? Why snooty? Because we wear shoes? Fine.
' put them back on.
- ' Get it! - No, no! ' get it! You know, Kitty, not to brag, but last year our little raffle raised almost $800.
We, that's very good.
All I am suggesting is that with a slightly different approach you could raise $80,000.
- She doesn't need to raise eighty thou - Larry, let her talk.
- My God, is he all right? - What's the matter? Pete's been in a car accident.
Okay.
Okay, we' be right there.
- Is he all right? - He's banged up.
But he' be fine.
- He just needs a ride home.
- ' Go! Why do you get to go? We, don't you want to stay for the fun family dinner? Are you telling me that God hates ducks? No, no, no.
What 'm saying is if he really wanted them around they woudn't be endangered.
Race ya! Are you in a lot of pain? Apparently not enough for Nurse Frosty here to give me a sponge bath.
How did you manage to dislocate both shoulders? Okay.
So this gir 've been seeing, she picks me up for our date.
Next, she's weaving in and out of traffic shouting something about her sister.
Pete, did you sleep with her sister? Didn't know it was her sister.
I thought it was just her best friend.
So it ooks ike 'm not gonna score, so I jumped out of the car.
Oh, you poor thing.
- How can you be sympathetic? - T's a ot of hard work.
Don't break my concentration.
Come on.
We' give you a ride home.
No.
He's a by himsef.
He can't go home.
No, he's not.
You've got reatives nearby, right? We, 've got an aunt in a state hospital in Stockton.
- Good, et's give her a jinge.
- Greg! - Pete, you can stay with us.
- No, no.
Excuse us for a moment.
This is not a good idea.
- I thought he was your friend.
- He is my friend.
He's aso someone who wears an adult diaper to a football game.
- Sti, he's a human being.
- Oh, don't know Come on, Greg.
Give me "human being.
" His last girlfriend set his head on fire.
Bed! She set my bed on fire! Oh, come on, Pete.
And it wasn't my girfriend.
It was her mother.
Didn't know it was her mother, I thought it was like an older best friend.
Alrighty.
Let's make sure we get those bad boys in the back.
All right.
Rinse out.
Pete, don't swaow it! Why? T's ike breakfast schnapps.
- How's it going? - You can give me a hand.
Here, grab an end.
Help me floss him.
That's okay.
One of the reasons I became a lawyer is so won't have to foss others.
- Okay.
We can do this later.
Can you take care of Pete for a while? Jane and I have to get stuff and feed his cat.
- Yeah, I suppose.
- And if he gets an itch under his collar use the spoon on the kitchen counter and scratch it.
Got it.
Sn't anybody going to try the pâté? - Oh, no.
- No, thank you.
None of us is really comfortable eating food made from the internal organs of birds.
But these aren't wid birds ike yours.
This is goose liver.
Beieve they're raised in cages and fed with little tubes.
- Abby, et's just do the bake sae.
- Think of the ducks, Jasmine.
- Go on, Kitty.
- Thank you.
Don't mean to brag but fundraising is my bag.
T's true.
T's the ony thing she does.
In fact, every day they cure a disease is a bittersweet day for Kitty Montgomery.
Ducks.
Now, I think we should start with a hundred-dollar-a-plate black tie dinner.
Why would anyone pay a hundred dollars to have dinner? Because they want to participate in honoring a celebrity.
And I have a lot of connections.
Alan Alda is a possibility.
- Or one of the Baldwin boys.
- Why would they come? They want to receive the award we give them.
- But we don't have an award.
- We, we' make one up.
Call Baccarat, have them engrave a plate, and you have an award.
But isn't that dishonest? Look.
To save the duck, you need to save the lake.
To save the lake, you need to raise money.
To raise money you need to find some ninny to be Man of the Year.
Do you think we could get Neil Young? Abby, you need a celebrity.
Not an astronaut.
Think 'm gonna cry.
Can't beieve a person ives here.
Can't beieve a cat ives here! So this is Pete's ife, huh? A massage chair and a giant TV.
Fasten your seatbelt, baby.
This feels kind of good.
So, I guess he sits there all night, eats out of this fridge and watches these videos.
"Das Booty.
" Okay, et's get to work.
' Get his underwear and you feed the cat.
Roger.
Okay, new plan.
We both feed the cat, we' just buy Pete some new underwear.
- What's in there? - Can't say.
No words.
- Should we answer it? - No.
Let the machine pick it up.
Hi, this is Pete and Tiger.
Fine, you little SOB, don 't be on the message.
Hi, Pete.
This is Carolyn from 5B.
/ seem to be missing some underwear from the laundry room again.
/f you have them, don 't call me.
Don 't knock on my door.
Put them back in the dryer.
You know what? Just keep them, you sick little Well, what do you think? Shall we buy him boxers or panties? Frank me.
Don't know what ike more.
The pig or the blanket.
Okay, who's in the mood for a lifestyle change? - What? - Pete, 've seen the way you ive.
And I care too much about you to look the other way.
You're screwed now, buddy.
Okay, here's how it's gonna go.
'M gonna teach you to eat right, to drink right to get in touch with your feelings, to meditate.
And before you know it, you're gonna be someone who's sensitive and caring.
Someone who'd rather watch a sunset with a friend than a dirty movie all alone.
- How does that sound? - Gay.
- What is that? - T's spiruina.
T's an agae.
It detoxifies your system.
Yeah.
It tastes like throw-up.
You would know.
Why can't have a muffin ike Greg? Because Greg doesn't poison his body with cocktail wieners and cheap beer.
- Does to.
- Do not.
- Liar! - Ah, cut it out, you two! Now, Pete, no one likes a tattletale.
Now drink your spirulina.
That's not heping.
I gotta go.
- See you later.
- Bye.
Hey, honey before you go, will you take Pete to the bathroom? Now repeat after me.
" am a beautifu person and am worthy of being oved.
" I am a beautiful person and I am worthy of being loved.
Very good.
Now what does that mean to you? Shoudn't have to pay for sex? A right, et's try another one.
"Ove my body" Oh, no, that's troube.
' Te you what, et's just make some up.
Okay? Tell me something you love about yourself.
We, ove that 'm not picky when it comes to women.
Okay.
That's good.
That's very good.
That's a start.
Let's just change it into, "ove and respect a women.
" Even the real uggos? Okay.
I gotta take a break.
Now, with your eyes closed just breathe in all of the cleansing energy of the universe.
And as you let it out, release all of the harmful energy stored inside your body.
All of it? Are you sure? T's not ike can ro down the window and honk the horn here.
Don't get it.
Oh, God, that reeks! Come on, please! Turn it off.
Can't take it anymore.
No.
We're about to get to the good part.
And now, Lifetime continues with its History of Feminism.
Part 4: Susan B.
Anthony.
Susan B.
Anthony? Susan B.
Ugly.
There's gotta be a sensitive human being in here somewhere! Dharma? Go to sleep! I want juice! - Maybe we should give him juice.
- We gave him juice.
He's just doing this for attention.
Greg? Don't say anything.
I hate you.
I hate both of you.
Well, we love you.
- What was that? - Did you put the chain on the door? Don't remember.
Why? He figured out how to turn the knob with his feet.
Well, if he can do that, why have I been taking him to the bathroom? Pete? There's 20 minutes of hard work down the drain.
Jane, what are you doing here? I like the chair.
- Have you seen Pete? - No.
I mostly see a guy I had a crush on in high school.
- Let's go.
- How can she do that here? At east she's not doing it in The Sharper lmage store anymore.
Where could he be? - Come on, et's go to bed.
- You go ahead.
- 'M gonna wait up for a itte whie.
- No.
Dharma, he's an adut.
I know.
But I just 'm worried about him.
I mean, what if someone comes up to him with a gun and says: "Stick them up," and he can't? Then they' shoot him and Jane gets to keep the chair.
Win-win.
Just can't beieve he ran away.
Honey, you know that Zen thing you're aways saying: "Never faut a pig for having a shorter neck than a giraffe"? T's been a ong night.
Don't throw pig neck in my face, okay? 'M just saying Pete's Pete.
And you're gonna have to accept him the way he is.
Guess.
T's just, how is he ever gonna be happy? 'M sure he' find a way.
Yes! Busted! Oh, Pete, you're not busted.
Just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Good night.
That's it? You're not gonna ye at me? No.
If anything, I should apologize, Pete.
I tried to turn you into a giraffe.
And that's just not fair.
- What are you talking about? - Pete, you're a pig.
- Good night.
- Wait, Dharma.
- So you're just gonna give up on me? - Pete, you have to want to change.
I do.
In fact, this girl was just giving me a lap dance.
And all of a sudden, I kind of felt myself respecting her.
Maybe the stuff you're teaching is starting to sink in.
That's great, Pete.
And maybe you are learning that women are people.
- And they have feelings.
- Yeah.
Maybe I am.
Or maybe you're just gay.
- I thought you had celebrity contacts? - I do.
- So where's Aan Ada? - He had to cancel.
But he owes us one.
- What about Jane Fonda? - Oh, too big.
- Only does diseases now.
- Well, did you try our list? - Did you call Sting? - Yes.
And your Mr.
Sting never returned my call.
So I had to scramble.
- Well, who did you get? - A very humorous comedian.
And I am assured that he is committed to saving the environment and well known to the woman's movement.
- Who's that? - That sounds good.
Hey, what do we got here? The Golden Girls? Mr.
Clay.
Well, you are as humorous as your agent promised.
Ladies, this is our guest of honor, Mr.
Andrew Clay.
Oh, good for me.
Okay.
Hey, baby, whose chin I gotta tickle to get an ashtray around here, huh? Actually, some of our guests are bothered by smoke, if you don't mind.
Don't mind.
Let them be bothered.
No, no.
You don't understand.
Second-hand smoke is more dangerous than first-hand smoke.
Well, then I guess I made the right choice.
- Well, this turned out great.
- Yeah.
I got to admit, Eddie.
Your wife sure does have connections.
Look at that, Bowzer from Sha Na Na.
- "Sha Na" what? - "Na.
" - That's not Bowzer.
- Sure it is.
Greg's right.
That's that Fonzie fea from the television.
- Who? - You know, "Ehhh.
" T's Bowzer.
I saw Sha Na Na at Woodstock.
- Sha Na Na was not at Woodstock.
- Excuse me, I was there.
There is no way that Sha Na Na Oh, God, 'm becoming one of them.
Pete, you're a sweaty.
What's wrong? 'Ve been trying to be evoved.
I really have.
But you see that beautiful waitress over there? Oh, you mean Miss "Thanks for the Mammories"? Pete, remember what we talked about.
A woman is more than just her breasts.
You know, she's right.
I mean, if you look, often enough, they got a great front porch but they got like a truck stop in the backyard.
Don't isten to him.
He's just an environmentaist.
- He does not know about women.
- You don't understand.
She's got a twin sister, they're both studying to be massage therapists and she lives above a liquor store.
You might as well fold up your cards, stretch.
You ain't gonna beat two pairs above a liquor store.
All right.
But just pace yourself, drink plenty of fluids and lift with your legs.
- Thanks.
You're the greatest.
- Okay.
You never fault a pig for having a shorter neck than a giraffe.
What are you saying? I got a short neck? Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, it is my great honor to introduce to you our very special guest.
A man whose commitment to the environment is the reason we're a here.
Let's give a very warm wecome to our Spotswood Lake Man of the Year Mr.
Andrew Diceman.
Clay! Finally, somebody gives me an ashtray.
You know it might surprise you to know that this is my first environmental award.
Although there was this Greenpeace chick I nailed in the woods.
Excuse me.
Excuse me if I might.
Yes, everyone, may I have your attention just for a moment.
As you know, our tent is pitched right up next to Spotswood Lake the migratory stop for our beloved gray mallards.
And as best as we can determine, the birds have mistaken the blue tent for Spotswood Lake itself.
So as you can see, they are presently attempting to land and swim in it.
So it has been suggested that How best to put it? Flee! Flee! Lucky this wasn't a benefit for cows.
Is he gonna be all right? Your friend consumed a large quantity of beer which deeply relaxed his muscles.
So when he got the massage from two inexperienced masseuses twins, I believe.
They Well, you should just see for yourself.
Oh, hey, guys! Got it.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Cut it out! Cut it out, Dharma! That hurts! Hey!