Dilbert (1999) s02e05 Episode Script

I didn't know you ate here.
I don't.
I just come here to yell at the employees.
Your milkshake, sir.
That'll be $1.
89.
Your sign says $1.
98.
What kind of a rip-off joint is this? Oh, I am so sorry.
You're right.
Now I don't even want it.
You can keep your milkshake.
Have a nice day.
Huh! See you back at the office.
Have a nice day.
Would you like a free dupey with that? I don't know what a dupey is, but if it's free, I'll take one.
I'm sorry, we don't have any.
I'm not going to hit you.
You can if you want.
Everyone does.
What exactly is a dupey anyway? I have no idea, sir, but they're very popular.
Oh, they're the cutest things, although they don't even exist yet.
I'm trying to collect the whole set.
They don't exist? Why are you asking me if I want something that doesn't even exist? That's the idea.
I don't know, sir.
I just work here.
Ow thank you.
Have a nice day.
Ratbert, can you tell me why strange babies are in my kitchen? No.
I'm operating on a need-to-know basis.
Spoons loaded.
Commence dining.
It's hard to get mad.
They're so cute.
That's what I've been telling you.
Use your cuteness.
It is your most powerful weapon.
You think you should be teaching babies this sort of thing? No, you can't start too early.
I've been working with most of these kids since they were in the womb.
What do their parents think of this? Oh, they think they're at the park.
The nannies are on the payroll.
Don't you think they have a right to know? Why? Because they're older? That's so arbitrary.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Next week, I'll teach you how to kick the seat in front of you for the entire length of the movie.
Then I have a special clinic on making all the candy in the jar yours via the miracle of slobbering.
I invited Ann from marketing to tell us a little about our newest advertising campaign.
Ah ah Uh-oh.
Sneeze coming! Ah ah Fire in the hole! Ah ah I think everyone might be overreacting Gesundheit.
Watch me get blamed for that! Maybe I'll just tell you about the marketing campaign myself.
I've got a little surprise for you.
Uh-oh.
I don't like surprises.
Nothing good can come from this.
My desire for spontaneity has not been ground into dust yet.
I still like a surprise.
Is it a ceramic porpoise, or possibly some sort of tossed salad in a blanket? Come on, those aren't even good guesses.
Oh, please, show us and make my tingling stop.
Look, it's a dupey.
Isn't it cute? Well, isn't it? It's your hand.
That's because the freaking dupey doesn't exist.
Yet, our marketing department has been advertising it for months.
You mean our company is supposed to be making the dupey? We're not even a toy company.
Why didn't someone in marketing come to us sooner? Dilbert, you're in charge of building the dupey.
Just make it cute.
Very, very cute.
There are more important things than cuteness, you know? Ah ah Hold it.
There's still time to invite someone else from marketing.
Oh, my word! Dilbert, cut the cord.
Me? I don't think so.
You really think I should? Maybe Just cut the cord! Congratulations.
It's a fad.
Remember, kids, if your parents feel guilty, they are GUILTY.
Hey, look what I brought home.
It's a Now I'm not the cutest one in the family anymore.
Oh, God.
What's wrong? Must be a loose connection.
Now, come on I can't do this all night.
This is not the way you've been programmed.
I'm sure you're fine.
This is just a minor malfunction.
Now, stop it.
Stop it.
I'm sorry I'm late.
The dupey kept me up again last night.
It is very innovative to blame a toy for your shortcomings.
Surely, this method will spread like wildfire.
I'm not really lazy.
I blame that damn dupey.
Sometimes, the dupey makes my hair look too big.
I'm not loud! I'm not making this up.
The dupey's malfunctioning at night, and I don't know why.
Sounds familiar.
I remember when I'd be trying to sleep, and the little tikes would be crying all night in the next room.
How did you stop them? Didn't have to.
Turns out I was in the wrong house.
My Justin shows absolutely no interest in the dupey.
I'm with him.
I don't know what people see in these things.
Justin only watches educational television.
Psht.
Yeah.
And I don't eat sugar right from the box when you're not looking.
Give me the keys; I'll pull the car around.
I'll name you Billy and Eric, and I think you look like a Sebastian.
Hey, Alice, have you seen the sales report? The dupeys are a huge sensation.
It just proves people will buy anything.
What was that? I didn't hear any dupeys.
Would you excuse me? I have work to do.
Okay.
She's coming this way.
You might as well go home right now, my friend.
She is all mine.
Oh, yeah? What do you got? Huh is that it? Read 'em and weep.
A dupey? I can't compete with that.
Can I have these? Sure.
Okay.
She took mine first.
Top news story- the dupey doll has become an international sensation.
Oh, yeah.
All this despite reports that some dupeys are evolving from their original cute form Evolving? into something hideous that could destroy the planet within the week.
Destroy the planet? And now, some celebrity birthdays brought to you by the dupey.
music By any criteria music music We are superior music music We are the dupeys music That's our show for today, kids.
If you'd like a copy of our transcript, we'll transmit it directly into your head using telepathy.
And remember, if your parents don't buy you a dupey every week They're only pretending to love you! Hello Mom? Have you mailed me anything recently? Dupey? Dupey, we need to talk.
Dupey? And so, you see we have evolved into a higher form of life.
Uh higher than who? Not counting you, Dogbert.
Apology accepted.
I can't help noticing you've lost one quality.
We are no longer, as you say, "cute.
" Whoo! I'm the cutest one in the family again! music Kum-bah-yah My Lord music music Kum-bah-yah music Ka-bang! All right, I'll shut up now.
We have evolved beyond the need for cuteness.
It has no role in an advanced species.
Hello, gorgeous.
Do you mind if I use the reflection from your head as a mirror? I'm in the door.
What's in the bag? Is that one of those cute little dupeys? They come for the reflection, but they stay for the dupey.
Ah! Oh! Oh! Your reaction was TO THE DUPEY, RIGHT? Help! Open the door! Help! Help! Help! Open the door! Help! Help! Help! So this is what happens when you leave a sandwich in your drawer too long.
We are not huge flies.
We are an advanced form of life.
You have freed us from the drawer.
To reward you, we will use our advanced intellect to benefit mankind.
What is it your species needs most? I can't think of anything.
Perhaps we could tell you how to cure a terrible disease.
No, I'm good.
Maybe you would like a perpetual, clean fuel source.
Don't need it.
I use gasoline.
Have you heard of it? Ken is here from marketing to tell us how the sales of dupeys are going.
I'm afraid it's bad news.
Ahh ahh ahh Oh I've worked here a long time Ahh And I've never seen anything go from good to bad so quickly.
Maybe I'll tell you the dupey status myself.
They evolved into hideous insects, and sales are in the crapper.
They're not insects.
They're a superior form of life.
Superior? They don't even look cute anymore.
There's more to being superior than just being cute, you know? You're preaching to the choir.
They can teach us so much- science, technology, medicine.
They're not cute anymore! No, they're not cute, Loud Howard, but they are so much more now.
They have transcended our limited levels of awareness and become the next logical, evolutionary step.
And they're delicious with teriyaki sauce.
What? Yes.
We're very excited.
Our studies show that the dupeys are dupelicious.
We're relaunching the dupey product line next week as a pizza topping.
You can't do that.
The dupeys are sentient beings.
If, by "sentient," you mean good eating I think we're on the same page.
I know how it feels to create a new species only to have someone come along later and eat it.
You do? I don't talk about it much.
I can't let the dupeys become pizza topping.
I have to do something.
Why? You stood idly by while it happened to pineapples.
Pineapples are different.
They're not alive.
Well, they're alive, but they aren't intelligent.
They're smarter than bananas.
It's all relative.
What are you saying? It's arbitrary.
Who's your pet? Who's your food? Who's your insurance salesman? We have reasons for those distinctions.
Yes, but not good reasons.
How do I convince people The dupeys aren't food? Teach the dupeys to sell insurance.
That's not the best advice you've ever given.
They can't all be winners.
I do not wish to be a pizza topping.
I'm trying to figure out how to save you and your people.
Have I mentioned that I'm a superior life-form? About once a minute, since you got wings.
It never gets old.
Look, I can save you.
You'll just have to hide in the house with me.
I I just don't know about the others.
You have raised me, and I am grateful, but I am A DUPEY.
I must be with other dupeys.
It is time for me to leave the nest.
You can't leave.
If someone gets a bun around you, you're dead.
That is a risk I must take.
You did your best, and I will always love you for that, but you cannot protect me forever.
Dupey! Goodbye.
Don't ever leave.
This room? Never mind.
The moment's gone.
Stupid fruit! Best three out of five! Let me ask you a hypothetical question.
Would you eat an insurance salesman? I did that once.
It was part of a fraternity hazing.
Okay, bad example.
I just realized I don't know what "hypothetical" means.
My goal is to create an anti-dupey-eating campaign.
Okay, how about, "This is your brain.
This is your brain after eating a dupey"? That doesn't even make sense.
You don't understand the creative process.
You stole that slogan from the anti-drug campaign.
Okay, maybe you do UNDERSTAND THE CREATIVE PROCESS.
How about, "Dupeys: they're like little insurance salesmen with wings"? No, too overdone.
Overdone? How about: "Dupeys: they're like little insurance salesmen with wings!"? Much better.
Since we converted the dupeys to a food item, worldwide sales have leveled out at zero.
We're calling it a success because that's just what we do.
Gee, I wonder why no one wants to eat the dupeys.
Maybe it has something to do with that brilliant, new anti-dupey-eating campaign.
No, it wasn't that.
Our research tells us no one wants to eat huge, talking insects that beg for their lives.
Not intuitive.
But the anti-dupey-eating ad campaign helped a little too.
No! Anyway, we shipped our entire dupey inventory to the landfill, where they will be pecked to death by seagulls.
Do we call that a success too? You can't just throw the dupeys away.
They're a superior form of life.
They're not cute anymore! Deja vu! Do you know where the landfill is? This might seem odd to you, but I do.
Get in.
We'll need reinforcements.
The landfill has a rule that you can't take anything back.
They never bend.
Dogbert, meet us at the landfill.
Bring help.
It looks like you've got an empty truck there.
You know the rules- no pickups, only drop-offs.
I'm here to save an advanced species from being pecked to death by seagulls.
If I made an exception for you, everyone would be coming in here and taking home garbage.
The whole system would break down.
Please, just this once.
We promise we won't touch any of the good stuff.
Who told you there's good stuff in there? Ready spoon.
Commence dining.
Dupey, am I too late? We tried our energy blasts, but they just kept coming.
It's okay now.
You can come home.
You'll be all right.
We can't go back.
Somehow, we have been branded as insurance salesmen.
Ahem.
We will never be respected on this world.
Oh.
I can explain that.
We must leave this place.
The dupeys must escape the bigotry and random seagull attacks that characterize this world.
You understand? Unfortunately, I do.
Goodbye.
I see you eyeing those melon rinds! Those are my MELON RINDS! Don't even think BOUT THOSE MELON RINDS! I got dibs on the rinds! You hear me? The house seems so empty now.
Have you noticed that I exist? Yes, but I don't miss you because you're always here.
That is the nicest compliment I have ever heard.
Dupey, is that you? Where are you? I can't reveal our new location for security reasons.
I understand.
We have found a new home where our advanced intellect is appreciated and physical appearance is not important.
I didn't realize there was such a place.
I must go now.
We have a code review meeting.