Divorce (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

1 All these human beings being rejected in a matter of seconds.
You are really milking all the fun out of this.
This is for you unless it turns out to have any value; - then I'd like it back.
- Sylvia MacDonald.
I'm trying to find her.
You know, maybe she has some other work.
I keep painting them and every day I keep realizing they're shit.
Finish a painting for both of us.
CHARLIE: Grandpa's in the hospital.
Doctors have recommended that I get there as quickly as possible.
Just dealing with my sister alone is going to be a ground war.
If I ever hear that you have upset him, I will hunt you down.
- You're divorced now; you're free.
- I was married forever.
These feelings are they're involuntary.
Can you believe it? - Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Lila is 13.
- Mm.
I mean, it's your first family gathering since the divorce.
- How are you two getting along? - Very well, thank you.
We're, um, splitting birthday duties very amicably.
Robert is doing the skating and the invites, and I'm doing the balloons, the party favors, and the cake.
- The soft goods.
- Well, that's nice.
You know, ever since we slept together in Ohio, things are uncomplicated.
- Uncomplicated? - Mm-hmm.
- I detect skepticism.
- Not at all.
Sex that makes things less complicated, I hear about that a lot.
I'm telling you the truth.
Sleeping with Robert was the antidote.
Maybe I should try that as a new couples therapy technique.
- Mm! - "The Ohio Method.
" - Nice.
- All right, so what is it gonna be, this lovely chocolate buttercream, carrot cake ? Okay, truthfully, Lila likes red velvet.
I like free cake.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Oh, that's cute.
Just email us a picture, and we'll do the rest.
Ah, yeah.
That might be a bit challenging to find a photograph of Lila smiling, but it would be sweet.
Or would she say that it's cringey? - It's difficult.
Lots of dynamics.
- Hmm.
Maybe you should have sex with it to make it less complicated.
I apologize.
I will email you a photograph.
- (CAR ALARM CHIRPS) - (ENGINE STARTS) Tom? (TIRES SCREECHING) (HORN BLARING) Pull over! Good.
Come on.
- What are you doing? - Driving.
Yeah, no, I can see that.
I can also see there's no adult with you.
- Whose car is this? - It's Caleb's.
Caleb, your your chem partner? Well, obviously not Caleb.
It's his dad's.
- The youth minister? - No, different - it's a different a new Caleb.
- Tom, Tom.
You should talk to Dad.
You follow me, at, like, 10 miles an hour.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) - Oh, shit, hang on.
- (VOLUME DECREASES) - Sorry.
- Sorry? Turn that shit up, man.
- Really? - Up! - Okay.
- (VOLUME INCREASES) Are you into Yes? What do you think, I just got here off a melon truck? I kissed Jon Anderson once at Madison Square Garden.
I kissed the lips that kissed the lips of Jon Anderson? (SIGHS) Let me taste the magic.
- (CHUCKLES) - Mm! (VOCALIZING) - (VOLUME DECREASES) - Is this going on the birthday mix? Uh, yes.
Lila can't stand the top 40 horse shit they play at the ice rink, and she's way into this.
When she was six, she asked for.
"Dark Side of The Moon" from Santa Claus.
- That's so cool.
- Yeah, I mean, granted, I've been blasting this at her since she was in the womb, but she's come around to it on her own.
- That's awesome.
- What's going on, dude? Hey! Not much! So Mom is outside.
She wants to talk to you.
I got busted for driving the Tesla.
- BOTH: What?! - Stop! What do you what the f what do you mean you were driving the Tesla? Oh, God, that was my fault.
He asked me for the keys because he said his backpack was in the back, and I gave him That's not your fault, that's your fucking fault.
I just took it out of the parking for, like, one second Oh, God, just cut the bullshit, sit down right now! - Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm just gonna go talk - No.
No.
You can't meet her under these circumstances.
That's the worst.
(BOTH SIGHING) FRANCES: Hey! Hey! I pulled our son over on Jay Street by himself, - driving that.
- I know.
He was just supposed to grab his backpack.
And he's in big trouble now, okay? I mean, he's grounded here, and if you want it's your house ground full-on double ground.
Yeah, he's definitely grounded, definitely.
But how do you have a Tesla? (SIGHS) I don't.
Um, that is actually not mine.
It's my friend-woman's.
- Friend-woman's? - Yes.
You mean girlfriend? Yes.
Your girlfriend has a Tesla? - She does.
- And you - have a girlfriend? - I do.
Does this person have a name? (SUCKS TEETH) Jackie.
- Does she whisper it? - Jackie.
Her name's Jackie.
Our children have met her? Well, she has a daughter who's approximately the same age as Tom, - and they go to the same school.
- Robert, Robert, Robert! We we have rules.
- No, we don't.
- Okay, fine, we don't have rules, but common sense says you don't introduce our children to, like, every random woman you meet.
She's not a random woman.
No? How long have you known her? (EXHALES) Let me see.
(MOUTHING) February.
A month.
A month? So four four weeks.
31 days, depending upon the month.
'Kay, we've established the Jackie timeline.
- I'm gonna - Okay, you know, that is that's silly-fast, Robert.
Seriously, it's silly-fast.
DIANE: Thank you all for coming.
Gather around here.
What makes Eliot Pelts a master is his use of juxtaposition.
Kitsch and high culture, religion and eroticism, weightlessness and mass are just some of the apparent opposites that challenge us in Pelts's work.
I just love it, which is why I am the unofficial docent of "Sky Range 4.
" - Yes, you, question? - Where's the bathroom? DIANE: Right over there.
- Will you excuse me? - Yeah, sure.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) Diane, do you know what I'm gonna do? I am gonna hang two paintings in the bathroom.
- Really? - Mm-hmm, I am, because you know what, these people, they come in here, they don't really look at anything on the walls.
They take selfies in front of you-know-what, they eat cookies, and then do stuff in my bathroom.
So they might as well shop while they're in there.
Frances, having a bathroom that people love to use is one of the first steps to having a multimillion-dollar business.
I mean, look at Starbucks! Ooh, any luck with the Jackal? Stop calling her the Jackal.
You make her sound like a drug lord.
Ugh, if we can't make up a mean name about your ex's new girlfriend, - then what's the point of anything? - Well, I appreciate your point, but for now, if he's happy, I'm happy.
Oh, my God, look at this table.
(GROANS) Yuck.
It's just such a cliché.
Men really can't be alone.
Nick proposed to me after being separated from Carolyn for barely six months.
It was so pathetic.
Of course, I said yes, but still, so pathetic.
Look, I could be with Andrew, you know? I mean, he texts me and, you know, but it's just it's not what I'm looking for right now.
Are you sure? He's so cute.
No, I'm sure the only person I am looking for right now is Sylvia, - and she won't return my calls.
- Hmm, playing hard to get.
See, now that's not pathetic.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - So? - So ? So what do you think about your dad and my mom fucking? Oh! I, um - I hadn't thought about it.
- (GIGGLES) You're cute.
What are you doing now? I don't know.
Where are you going? Hmm, somewhere more fun than this.
Well, here you are! Nick, this is Jackie Giannopoulos.
- Hi.
- Welcome, Jackie.
Robert has told me nothing about you other than you like pizza capricciosa.
If it has carbs, I eat it.
A woman after my own large intestine.
Come on in.
Robert built my new pizza oven with his manly hands, so I thought he should be here for the trial run so I have somebody to blame, you know, if the pizza sucks.
- (JACKIE CHUCKLES) - Diane, our guests are here! - Robert! - (ROBERT CHUCKLES) - How are you? - Good! How are you? Good.
Diane, this is Jackie Giannopoulos.
- I have heard so much about you.
- That have you? That's so interesting 'cause I I've heard nothing about you.
I didn't even honey, you didn't tell me that Robert was gonna be our dinner guest tonight, or that he was bringing the Jack Jackie.
- I left a message on your cell.
- Oh, for God sakes, I haven't listened to that thing in two years.
- (JACKIE CHUCKLES) - Well, good! Well, here, can you put these in water for me, darling? And why don't you two come on in? Make yourselves comfortable! We can have a little cocktail.
I need to pull my dough.
I'll be in in a minute.
So, I love your style.
You're very chic.
Thank you.
I love your lighting.
- It's very forgiving.
- Well, anyone over the age of 12 needs to understand the importance of a dimmer.
You know, right after Jackie bought my house, she went around and she took all the good, clear bulbs out of the fixtures and she started putting in these weird, like, cloudy - Frosted opaque.
- bulbs.
Yeah, I couldn't see my hand in front of my face, Diane.
I walked into a wall! I thought that's because you were so taken with me.
ROBERT: All right it was.
And I also taught him the importance of a well-placed candle, haven't I, Robbie? - "Robbie"? - Yeah.
I hate it, but I'm going with it because she's so fucking hot.
Wine! I think you need wine! Diane, could I get a Moscow mule? A Moscow mule for Robbie - and wine for the Jackie.
- Thank you.
Knock, knock.
Jeez! Do you have a physical ailment that prevents you from smiling? Just need one, sweet picture for the cake, okay? You ready? Knock, knock.
Who's there? Not your parents 'cause they don't knock.
- (GIGGLES) - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) That's so dumb.
Oh, my God! So gorgeous! Look that at that almost-13-year-old.
- So sweet, right? - (PHONE RINGING) Sorry, hold on a second.
Hello? No, no, no, no! Wait, wait! - Hello? Sorry.
- DIANE: She's here! - The Jackal is here.
- Wait, what? - Where are you? - In my house.
Robert brought her to dinner.
Oh, my God, I can't breathe.
Well, that's like that's trespassing.
- Is it? - Well, it's hostile.
That's a hostile takeover of my friends.
- What's he trying to do? - I don't know, show off, I guess.
But honestly, I wouldn't worry about it.
I mean, she's not you, - trust me.
- What is she like? Like what are they what are they like? I don't know, I mean, I guess they're kind of cute.
They kind of banter back and forth.
I suppose I suppose she's attractive? Mm, beachy.
Kind of beachy, beachy hair.
- Oh, my God.
- Blonde, super shiny.
- Oh, and she wearing a fedora.
- Women who wear hats, very specific.
I know, and she actually looks good in it.
God, if I wore a fedora, I'd look like Mickey Rourke.
Oh, and get this, she calls him Robbie.
- No, she doesn't.
- Yes, she does.
And Robbie is wearing a leather jacket, Robbie has paste in his hair, and Robbie is wearing a leather necklace! What?! Although, I might've made that part up, actually.
My God, who is this woman? (WHISPERS) Oh, I have great idea.
Okay, I'm gonna hang up, but check your phone in 30 seconds, okay? (WHISPERS) Okay, okay.
(SIGHS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (WHISPERS) Perfect.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - Got it.
- Send, send, send.
- (TEXT WHOOSHES) (WHISPERS) Wine! (PHONE CHIMES) (SIGHS) Thanks for nothing, Diane.
(DOG BARKING) (MUSIC PLAYING) What the fuck are you doing? You're insane.
Oh, my God.
So, uh, what do you think of Jackie? - Oh, she's terrific! - She is, right? - Yeah! - Yeah.
- It's like I hit the fucking lottery.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, I really I thought I was gonna be out there shaking the tree for a while, going to Knicks games alone, meeting other women, fucking up.
And then Jackie just sneaks up on me.
I think she's really something special.
I met Diane at the glove counter at Saks.
I bought gloves for my wife, and I was done with my wife and my search for true love and, I guess, my search for gloves.
I haven't introduced her to Frances yet.
That's the next hurdle.
I think it could be a little dicey.
Yeah, that's a terrible idea.
I'm gonna handle this like a peace treaty, you know? Frances over here, Jackie over here, me right in the middle with a big smile on my face.
I'm gonna keep things light and airy.
Maybe even do it from a moving car.
Maybe just don't even do it at all.
See this scar? That's from the first time Carolyn met Diane at the movies.
"Jurassic Park 3D.
" Wouldn't think those flimsy glasses could break skin.
Huh.
Never thought of Carolyn as a stabber.
They all are.
Fuck.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Hi, Frances.
FRANCES: Hey, listen to me Robert has brought his new girlfriend over to Nick and Diane's house.
Now, Diane always sees the good, so I need you to go over there right now, and see something bad, okay? I see the "Ohio Method" still has some kinks to work out.
I appreciate your faith in me.
I'm on it.
You're true blue.
Bye.
(PANTS) Oh, I don't have to freaking run anymore.
It was 100K off the asking.
Anyway, I thought to myself, "Who is this crazy woman?" Well, now this crazy woman owns your house.
- Aw, you do own my house.
- You two are so cute.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Did you invite someone without telling me? I left a message on your cell.
Oh, did you? (CHUCKLING) - Dallas? - Hey, I was spring cleaning and I found Nick's bowl, so I thought I would return it.
Where is she? We're just finishing up pizza.
- Look who's here! - Dallas? Jackie? (GASPS, SIGHS) Robbie.
Dallas? Wait, how do you know ? This is crazy.
Dallas is my shrink.
Hey! (CHUCKLES) What a funny and a-an extremely unethical coincidence this is.
I, uh (SIGHS) I'm gonna I'm gonna go home now.
Was that my mixing bowl? Dal? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - Hey! - DALLAS: Hey.
You know, uh, I can't be late for my train.
I called you all last night.
I called you again this morning.
- Frances, I can't.
- You can't what? - I can't talk about her.
- Why? Oh, my God, you couldn't make this up.
You're more likely to get struck by lightning or crushed in an elevator shaft.
- Dallas? - (SIGHS) She's my patient.
Jackie is my patient.
I'm her therapist.
What? That's fantastic! No, it's not.
No.
Oh, my God, is she the patient that has, um, t-the Tricho you know, the thing where - you pull your eyelashes out? - Frances, I can't talk about her! I mean, it just violates every tenet of doctor-patient confidentiality.
And now I'm screwed.
I have to break up with her.
I've lost a client.
Oh.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Really, really, I am.
But now, you know, you're free to tell me everything, right? Why? Why do you really wanna know? Why do you really not want to tell me? Because nothing good will come of it.
The more you know, the more you're gonna wanna know.
Trust me.
I once Googled Turner's new wife.
I ended up a day later on Pinterest obsessing about her sister's new kitchen remodel.
Oh, oh, my.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
No, no, no.
- (TRAIN HORN BLARING IN DISTANCE) You should you go.
Catch your train.
- All right.
- Okay.
Very wise.
Is she a good therapist? I've known Dallas a long time.
- She's batshit.
- No, she's great.
She's super smart and empathetic.
Oh, so she brainwashed you.
(PHONE RINGING) Nope, I'm good.
- Mm.
- You know you can answer that.
- No, it's okay.
- What if it's about one of your kids? Yeah, you're right.
(SIGHS) (GROWLS) Hello? Hey, Frances.
Uh-huh.
What? Uh, sh ah, it's an idea.
Okay, I'll give it a "tink.
" All right, have a nice day.
- (WHISTLES TUNE) - (CHOPPING) - What was that about? - Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Yeah, she was on her way to oh, you know what, I just had a thought.
(SNIFFS) Um, no pressure.
Do you think you'd be interested in going to Lila's birthday party? Did Frances just invite me? - Maybe.
- Well, I would love to come, but I do not wanna stress you out.
Me? Oh, no.
I'd be thrilled! I mean, no, there's nothing cooler.
And not just because it's an ice skating party.
Robbie, don't worry.
She's gonna like me.
Most people do.
It's a loading zone.
Do you see me unloading? - Sylvia?! - You need to move.
I will, just when I've finished unloading everything.
Could you pick up the pace? Oh, my God, you did it! - You did it! - I've been here three minutes.
Oh, God! Are these they're all finished? - Yes.
- More like 15, but who's counting? - Move! - Oh, my God, she finished her painting.
For the love of God, Marla, let her unload! They're stunning.
They're stunning! I really I just I can't I really can't believe you did this.
I mean, I'm looking at them, but I'm So one, two, three, four, and the one I have already, that's five.
Okay, listen, I don't wanna freak you out, but if you could paint a few more, we have a show.
I'm not doing a show.
Oh, Sylvia, can we, really can we not do this again? I'm busy, you're in a loading zone.
- What do you want? - What is that? Oh, pay no attention to that if possible.
- Come on, come on.
- This place isn't bad.
- Well, what did you expect? - (VOCALIZING "I DON'T KNOW") - A barn or something.
- A barn? No, it's not a barn.
It's nice.
But it would be a whole lot nicer if this entire wall was covered in the works of Sylvia MacDonald.
There's no way I could do more paintings.
I'll give you a month.
- (MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) - (LAUGHTER, CHATTER) (BOTH CHUCKLING) - We're gonna end up - Thank you! - Aw, thanks! - You're welcome! - Okay, you ready? - Yeah! Let's go! - Hit the ice! - (CHUCKLES) - Don't go fast.
No hotdogging.
- Okay! Beep-beep! Beep-beep! - This is fun, isn't it? - Yeah! Have you have you seen Dad or Jackie yet? No, I haven't seen them.
There are a lot of good skaters here tonight.
You know, even though I helped co-plan a skating party, I just don't feel like skating tonight.
Why? 'Cause I don't know how to.
(CHUCKLES) Is that Frances? It is.
Let me wave her over.
- No, I'll just go say hi.
- Fra ! No, Jackie! No! Jackie! No one on the ice without skates, man.
Oh, really, dude? - Oh, there's Tiffany and Rachel.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Have whoops.
Have fun! - Jackie! Hey, Frances.
- I'm Jackie.
- Hi, Jackie.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
- Whoo! Sorry.
- Thank you for the invite.
It was very it was big of you.
Not big like I'm, uh I'm suddenly very weirded out.
Really? Gosh, I'm I'm finding this entire situation - incredibly comfortable.
- (CHUCKLES) - No one will know.
- Man.
Just put on some skates.
And for the whole Tom car thing, I just I'm so sorry.
It was such a horrible way for us to start out.
No, no, no, really.
How would you know that I birthed a felon? - But that is only his second felony.
- Man, come on, dude.
What are you doing? And Tom just seems like he wanted to have some fun.
- Yeah.
- He and Robert seem so alike.
Really? God, I don't see that.
I don't know.
Tom is so, um, steady, you know, and he's resilient.
And Robert is much more like Lila, you know, very emotional, you know, and very sensitive.
You know, I think Ohio almost leveled him.
Yeah, it was so great that you were with him.
Well, yeah, of course.
You know, even though we're, you know we're (WHISTLES) - that way and that way - Mm-hmm.
I still, obviously I care about him.
Of course.
I mean, you wouldn't sleep together again if you still didn't care about each other.
Oh, he he told you that? Yeah! I mean, it was not the greatest thing to hear, but he said it didn't mean anything.
He said it was a really intense time, so I get it.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was it was intense.
The truth is I probably should be thanking you.
For for what? For sleeping with him? No.
For divorcing him.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Well, my pleasure.
(EXHALES) - How did it go? - Good.
This music sucks.
Let's go find the DJ.
Oh, I already took care of that.
Stand and fight, we do consider Reminded of an inner pact I wonder who picked the music.
Oh, a turn.
Lila, I spun! Happy birthday, dear Lila Happy birthday to you! All right, let me take a picture! Wait, wait, wait! Let me get a picture, let me get a picture! Wait, wait, wait, let me get a picture.
Okay, hold on.
Make a wish, sweetie.
Make a wish! - (ALL CHEERING) - Happy birthday, honey.
- GIRL: Yeah! - ROBERT: Nice job.
Good work.
ROBERT: These are her friends.
It's a good group.
Good ethics.
- (CHATTER) - (EXHALES) Hey, Tom! You missed the cake! Do you wanna do you wanna do one of the - the the first slice with Lila? - I am okay.
Do you wanna lick the can one of the candles? Hey, Mom, Tom and I are gonna go catch a ride from Dad and Jackie.
- Thanks for the party! Bye! - Oh.
- Bye! - All right, see you outside.
Hey, great job on the party.
Yeah.
Nice working with you.
- (CHUCKLES) - Oh, and thanks for - thanks for that.
- Oh.
That was nice.
So you, uh you want me to help you load the car? No, no, I'm good.
This is this is it.
- This is my last one.
- You sure? Yeah.
Really, you can go.
All right.
Bye.
(MUSIC PLAYING)