Doug (1991) s02e05 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
Doug:
WELL, THIS WAS IT--
THE DAY THE CAST LIST WENT UP
FOR BLUFFINGTON'S
ANNUAL FOUNDERS' DAY PAGEANT.
( murmurs of disbelief )
( bell rings )
OH, HEY, THERE'S ME!
I GET TO PLAY
THADDEUS BLUFF
THE FOUNDER
OF BLUFFINGTON.
THAT'S GREAT.
HEY, LOOK.
ROGER'S PLAYING
GRENDEL, THE
BRAVE HORSE--
THE FRONT HALF.
I WONDER WHO GETS STUCK
PLAYING THE BACK HALF?
OH, MAN.
SORRY, DOUG
IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
AT LEAST YOU GET A TAIL.
( gasps )
WHAT?
PAGEANT DIRECTOR:
JUDY FUNNIE.
WOW, MAN,
THAT'S YOUR SISTER!
Both:
OH, NO!
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
THE SCHOOL HAD ACTUALLY
PICKED MY SISTER
TO DIRECT THE ANNUAL
FOUNDERS' DAY PAGEANT.
I GUESS EVERYBODY
REALLY LIKED
THAT SHOW SHE
DID LAST YEAR.
I BET THAT'S WHY
THEY PICKED HER.
WELL, I JUST HOPE SHE WON'T DO
ANYTHING TO EMBARRASS ME.
ACTORS,
AGAIN, AGAIN.
OKAY, EVERYBODY,
LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.
OH, BY THE WAY, DOUGIE
YOU LEFT THESE IN THE BATHROOM
THIS MORNING.
( laughter )
RELAX, JUDY'S
PRETTY COOL.
SHE WON'T PULL
ANYTHING.
YEAH, MAYBE
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HELP ME!
YOU'VE GO
TO HELP ME!
SAVE ME, SAVE ME.
CALM DOWN, LADY.
WE'LL SAVE YOU.
SAVE YOU FROM WHAT?
FROM HUMILIATION!
( all gasp )
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE PATHETIC
LUMPS OF CLAY--
CLAY THA
I SHALL MOLD
INTO ACTORS
EXTRAORDINAIRE.
SHALL WE BEGIN?
AND ACTION!
JUDY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
I'M INSPIRING
THESE CLAY LUMPS.
YOU'LL INSPIRE
THEM TO QUIT.
THIS IS YOUR BIG CHANCE
TO EXPRESS YOURSELVES
TO MOVE THE AUDIENCE
TO A NEW UNDERSTANDING
OF FOUNDERS' DAY.
EVERYBODY, THROW AWAY
YOUR SCRIPTS.
WE'RE GOING TO GIVE BLUFFINGTON
SOMETHING THEY'VE
NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
ARE YOU WITH ME?
WILL IT GET US
OUT OF CLASS?
YES.
WOW, JUDY WAS
CHANGING THE PLAY
AND I WOULDN'T SHARE
A COSTUME WITH ROGER.
THIS WOULD BE
THE BEST PAGEANT EVER.
Man:
NOW, PRESENTING THE AWARD
FOR BEST SCHOOL
PAGEANT DIRECTOR
WORLD-FAMOUS SHAKESPEAREAN
FIGURE SKATER
DEREK DEREKSON.
AND THE AWARD GOES TO
JUDY FUNNIE.
BRAVA!
( applause )
THANK YOU, BUT THIS AWARD REALLY
BELONGS TO MY BROTHER DOUG
WITHOUT WHOSE
BRILLIANT PERFORMANCE
THIS PAGEANT WOULD HAVE STUNK.
( applause )
BEHOLD!
I AM THE SPIRIT OF ALL
WHO FOUNDED BLUFFINGTON.
I AM THE EXPLORER;
I AM CHANGE;
I AM THE ASTRONAUT.
SKEETER, WHA
ARE YOU UP TO?
WE'RE PRACTICING
MY LINES FOR THE PAGEANT.
YOU DON'T MEAN THE, UH
FOUNDERS' DAY PAGEANT?
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
IT'S GOING TO BE SO COOL.
DOUG'S SISTER UPDATED IT.
I'M PLAYING THADDEUS BLUFF
AS AN ASTRONAUT.
MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDDADDY
PLAYED THADDEUS BLUFF
IN THE FOUNDERS' DAY PAGEAN
AND HE WAS NO NO
ASTRONAUT?
YEAH! WE'LL JUST SEE
WHO'S CHANGING WHA
OR MY NAME ISN'T ISN'T
DAD?
EXACTLY.
THAT'S IT.
Valentine:
Mayor, many voters won't like
that their mayor allowed
some girl
to change a town tradition.
YES, GO AHEAD-- I'M ALL EARS.
( rapping: )
I AM A POT ROAS
OF HOSPITALITY.
I COME WITH PEAS
TO BLUFFINGTON.
( scats )
( kazoo playing the blues )
ACTORS,
GATHER,
GATHER.
I AM AGOG.
I AM SPEECHLESS.
WE HAVE AWAKENED
THE SLEEPING GIANT.
WE HAVE DRAINED
THE STAGNANT POND.
Mr. Bone:
I'LL SAY WE HAVE.
ALL RIGHT, YOUNG LADY
WHAT'S ALL
THIS BROUHAHA?
THIS, SIR, IS ART.
WHAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU
ISN'T JUST AN ASTRONAUT,
GREEN PEAS AND A POT ROAST.
WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS THE
DEATH OF A BORING PAGEAN
AND THE REBIRTH OF HISTORY.
EXCUSE ME, BU
WHAT WE HAVE HERE
IS A BIG FAT PIMPLE
ON OUR BEAUTIFUL
BLUFFINGTON HISTORY.
NOW, HOW DO WE
DEAL WITH A ZIT?
EXCUSE ME, MR. MAYOR.
I KNOW HOW TO TALK TO
BOHEMIANS LIKE THESE.
THE MONKEY BUSINESS IS OVER.
GET INTO YOUR
TRADITIONAL COSTUMES
AND AS FOR YOU,
MISS PAGEANT-CHANGER
I'M TAKING
OVER THIS SHOW.
SHAKESPEARE WAS FIRED FROM
HIS FOUNDERS' DAY PAGEANT, TOO.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
MR. BONE ACTUALLY FIRED
MY SISTER.
FUNNIE, I GUESS WE'RE
PLAYING HORSEY AGAIN.
( laughs )
WELL, BLUFFINGTON GOT
THEIR BORING, TRADITIONAL
FOUNDERS' DAY PAGEANT BACK.
I GUESS THAT'S THE WAY
THEY WANTED IT.
LET'S GET THIS
SHOW ON THE ROAD.
I'LL BE OU
THERE WATCHING
SO DON'T MESS UP.
WHO WILL NOTICE
IF WE MESS UP?
EVERYBODY'S GOING
TO BE SNORING.
I'M JUST GLAD
JUDY WON'T SEE THIS.
( applause )
THIS LOOKS LIKE A
GOOD SPOT TO SETTLE.
WHAT SAY YOU?
HARK, 'TIS ERRANT TO SETTLE
BETWIXT TWO FORKED TREES.
GO GET THEE HENCE.
YEAH, GO FOUNDETH YOUR TOWN
ELSEWHERE.
Patti:
PRITHEE, TELL US
WHY 'TIS ERRANT TO SETTLE
BETWIXT TWO FORKED TREES?
Left tree:
I DON'T KNOW.
JUST 'TIS, THAT'S ALL.
PROBABLY THE CRITIC FOR
THE BIG BLUFF DAILY NEWS.
MUST HAVE HEARD
I WAS DIRECTING.
( all yawning )
NAY, I SAY, WE
SHALL NOT BE MOVED
FROM BETWIXT THESE TWO
TREES WHICH ARE FORKED.
YOUNG MAN, YOU MUST RIDE
TO FORT LUCKY DUCK
AND BRING BACK FOOD TO
SAVE US FROM STARVING.
HERE, RIDE
BRAVE GRENDEL.
IT SHALL BE DONE.
Roger:
OW! WATCH IT, FUNNIE.
Doug:
GET YOUR BUTT OFF MY HEAD,
ROGER.
( snoring )
WE'RE DYING
OUT THERE.
THAT'S A TRADITION, TOO.
JUDY'S RIGHT.
WHAT GOOD IS A TRADITION
WITHOUT MEANING?
( agreeing )
THIS TOWN WOULD NO
HAVE BEEN FOUNDED
IF BLUFF HAD ACTED
LIKE US.
HE DIDN'T BELIEVE IN
MEANINGLESS TRADITION.
THAT'S A NICE
LITTLE SPEECH.
THANK YOU, SIR.
NOW, ONCE AGAIN
( Judy's voice: )
WITH FEELING.
( kids gasp )
JUDY!
LIKE THE PHOENIX, I HAVE
ARISEN FROM THE ASH HEAP.
I HAVE COME TO RESUSCITATE
THIS FETID PIG.
CAN SOMEBODY TRANSLATE?
I'M GOING TO HELP YOU
SAVE THIS PAGEANT.
ARE YOU WITH ME?
( cheering )
GET INTO YOUR OTHER COSTUMES.
YOU, DON THE POT ROAST.
BLUFFINA, GET YOUR WINGS ON.
DOUGIE, MAN THE BONGOS.
WE'VE GOT A SHOW TO DO.
( snoring )
( gong sounds )
( woman screams )
WHAT'S THAT?
BEHOLD!
I AM THE SPIRI
OF ALL WHO FOUNDED BLUFFINGTON.
I AM THE EXPLORER;
I AM CHANGE;
I AM THE ASTRONAUT.
BLUFF TO TOWER.
THIS IS THADDEUS BLUFF
REQUESTING CLEARANCE
FOR LANDING, OVER.
THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT--
WHAT'S GOING ON?
COME ON, WE'LL PUT AN END
TO THESE SHENANIGANS.
PUT A SOCK IN IT, BONE.
THAT'S MY BOY.
( rapping: )
IT ALL STARTED OU
WITH THIS GUY NAMED THAD.
THAD, THAD,
A GUY NAMED THAD.
A REAL COOL IDEA OLD THAD HAD.
COOL, MAN, COOL, MAN.
( crowd gasps )
I AM A POT ROAS
OF HOSPITALITY.
( scats )
I COME WITH PEAS
TO BLUFFINGTON.
PASS THE PEAS, PLEASE.
( kazoo playing the blues )
( applause )
BRAVO! MAGNIFICENT!
WHAT'S HAPPENED?
I'M NOT SURE.
THAT'S MY BOY.
YOU PULLED A FAST ONE,
MS. PAGEANT-UPDATER
BUT YOU WON'T GE
AWAY WITH IT.
WE'LL DO THIS PAGEAN
UNTIL WE GET IT RIGHT.
FIRST, WE GET RID
OF THESE COSTUMES.
( cheers )
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
THEY LIKED IT?
THEY REALLY LIKED IT.
Woman:
WAY TO GO, MR. BONE.
TAKE YOUR BOW,
MR. BONE.
WELL, OKAY.
I DON'T THINK EVERYONE
UNDERSTOOD JUDY'S VERSION
BUT EVEN A TRADITIONAL TOWN
CAN SHAKE IT UP ONCE IN A WHILE
AND THANKS TO MY SISTER JUDY
I DON'T THINK BLUFFINGTON
WILL EVER BE QUITE THE SAME.
( yelling )
Doug:
IT WAS NO USE.
IT WAS A FORCE BIGGER THAN ME
AND I WAS POWERLESS TO STOP IT.
ROGER KLOTZ WAS
IN LOVE WITH MY SISTER JUDY.
( screams )
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
( screaming )
HOW COULD WE STOP
BEETRA, THE KILLER BEET?
WE MUST LURE HIM
INTO THIS GIAN
FOOD PROCESSOR.
HERE HE COMES.
Doug and Skeeter:
OH, MAN.
Announcer:
Back to Shakespeare on Ice
starring Derek Derekson.
WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
CHANGE IT BACK.
WHY WOULD I WAN
TO WATCH DEREK DEREKSON
THE WORLD'S GREATES
SHAKESPEAREAN FIGURE SKATER
WHEN I COULD WATCH
BAD ACTORS TERRORIZED
BY A GIANT BEET?
I KNEW
YOU'D UNDERSTAND.
TOUCH THAT TV
AND YOU'RE DEAD.
TO BE, OR NOT TO BE:
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
OH, DEREK.
COME ON,
WE CAN WATCH
THE REST OF THE MOVIE
AT MY HOUSE.
MAN, I WISH
JUDY WASN'T SO
HEY!
WHAT'S HE WANT?
MAYBE HE WANTS
TO CREAM YOU.
CREAM ME? WHY?
HE'S ROGER.
HE DOESN'
NEED A REASON.
OH, GREAT.
ROGER, NICE TO SEE YOU.
HEY, FUNNIE
HOW YOU DOING,
OLD BUDDY, OLD PAL?
FINE WHAT CAN
I DO FOR YOU?
CAN'T A GUY HANG OUT WITH HIS
BUDDIES WITHOUT AN INQUISITION?
BUDDIES?
WHAT ARE YOU
UP TO TODAY, DOUG?
( sniffing )
YOU GOT A PROBLEM?
ARE YOU WEARING COLOGNE?
IT'S JUNGLE MADNESS.
I ALWAYS WEAR IT
STARTING TODAY.
HE'S PROBABLY TRYING
TO STEAL YOUR
HOMEWORK OR SOMETHING.
ROGER?
I'D NEVER SEEN THAT LOOK
IN ROGER'S EYES BEFORE.
IT WAS ALMOST AS IF
OH, NO!
IT'S WORSE
THAN WE THOUGHT.
HE STOLE THE SILVERWARE.
NO, HE'S GO
A CRUSH ON JUDY.
YOU SHOULD
HAVE SEEN HIM
LOOKING AT HER.
WHAT IF ROGER STARTED
HANGING AROUND HERE?
YEAH.
HOW'S DIN-DIN, MY SUGAR LUMPKIN?
FANTASTIC, SUGGIE-UGGIE-UGGIE.
PLEASE PASS THE
BANANA PUDDING.
SURE, FUNNIE.
( laughing )
SKEETER, WHA
AM I GOING TO DO?
WAIT A MINUTE.
ROGER SURE DOESN'T SEEM
LIKE THE JUDY TYPE TO ME.
YEAH, SHE GOES FOR
THAT'S IT!
YOU'RE BRILLIANT.
COME ON!
WHO'S THE CLOWN
ON SKATES?
Doug:
OH, JUST DEREK
DEREKSON, JUDY'S IDOL.
JUDY'S TOTALLY GAGA
OVER THIS GUY.
OH, DEREK,
YOU FABULOUS ARTISTIC GENIUS.
SO WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING, DOUG
IS THAT JUDY ONLY GOES
FOR HIGH-CLASS GUYS?
THAT'S RIGHT,
SKEETER:
GUYS THAT CAN QUOTE
SHAKESPEARE WHILE SKATING.
WELL, GOT TO GO.
SEE YOU, FUNNIE.
Both:
ALL RIGHT.
SHH!
DID YOU SEE
ROGER'S FACE?
I ACTUALLY FEL
SORRY FOR HIM.
YEAH.
I'LL MISS ROGER
SMELLING LIKE
JUNGLE MADNESS, THOUGH.
DOUG, WHAT'S
THE MATTER?
Roger:
WHOA!
WHOA I MEAN, WHOA.
ROGER?
IS THAT YOU?
WHAT DO YOU THINK, EINSTEIN?
WHOA! CATCH ME, CATCH ME!
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
HEY, QUIT STARING, WOULD YOU?
SOMETIMES YOU BOURGEOIS PLEBES
ARE SO
PEDESTRIAN.
HUH?
WHAT LANGUAGE
WAS THAT?
HE'S BLOWN
A SERIOUS GASKET, MAN.
SHE'D NEVER GO
FOR HIM, THOUGH,
DO YOU THINK?
SHE'S WAY TOO SMART.
YOUR SISTER LIKES
WEIRD STUFF.
YOU'VE GOT A POINT.
YO! YOU HAVE
TO COME QUICK.
SHH!
"WHAT LIGH
FROM YONDER WINDOW BREAKS?
"IT IS THE SUN, AND
JUDY IS THE EAST!
"ARISE, FAIR EAS
AND MOON THEE AND BE A SUN
WHO'S ALREADY SICK
AND PEELING GRAPES"
YOUR SISTER'S
RUINED HIM.
NOW WE'RE LACKING
AN ADEQUATE ROLE MODEL.
I'M HAVING AN
IDENTITY CRISIS.
PUT A SOCK IN IT.
"IT IS MY LADY;
OH, IT IS MY LOVE."
ROGER,
COME BACK.
IT'S JUST A
PHASE, RIGHT?
SNAP OU
OF IT.
YO! METHINKS THOU
PROTESTS TOO MUCH.
BUT, ROGER!
AMSCRAY.
NOT YOU, FUNNIE.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
DID YOUR SISTER SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT ME
AFTER I LEFT?
NO, BUT SHE ONLY SAYS
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU" TO ME.
I'M GOING TO GE
HER TO NOTICE ME
IF IT'S THE
LAST THING I DO.
LISTEN, ROGER.
YOU DON'T KNOW
JUDY LIKE I DO.
SHE'S NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS.
SHE'S DIFFERENT.
ISN'T IT GREAT?
DID YOU KNOW WE HAVE
THE SAME INITIALS AS
ROMEO AND JULIET?
( humming )
NOW I WAS SURE OF IT--
ROGER HAD GONE INSANE.
THEN, THIS EVENING
Roger:
"IT IS THE SUN
AND JUDY IS THE EAST!"
PSST! ROGER! ROGER!
Roger:
"IT IS MY LADY.
"OH! IT IS MY LOVE.
OH, THAT SHE KNEW SHE WERE."
WON'T YOU COME TO THE WINDOW?
NICE TRY, ROMEO, BUT YOU'RE
ABOUT 30 YEARS TOO LATE.
WHOA!
OUR HOUSE IS
OVER THERE
BUT JUDY'S AT REHEARSAL
RIGHT NOW.
OH, GREAT.
DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR I
HAD TO CARRY THIS THING?
DOUG, WOULD YOU
JUST GIVE HER THIS NOTE?
UH, SURE, ROGER,
I'LL GIVE IT TO HER.
A NOTE FROM ROGER!
SHOULD I GIVE IT TO HER?
TO DELIVER, OR NOT TO DELIVER:
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
I FELT SORRY FOR HIM.
ROGER COULD BARELY SPELL
HIS OWN NAME.
HOW COULD HE EVER WRITE
A LOVE NOTE?
FOR ME?
WHO'S IT FROM?
OH, SOME GUY.
IT'S A POEM!
DON'T BE TOO HARD ON HIM.
"WHO IS JUDY?
"WHAT IS SHE
THAT ALL OUR SWAINS COMMEND HER?
"HOLY, FAIR, AND
WISE AND GREA
MEET ME AT THE HONKER
BURGER AT 8:00, ROGER."
WAIT, GIVE ME THAT.
ROGER WROTE THIS?
HE STOLE IT FROM THE
MERCHANT OF VENICE--
EXCEPT THE
HONKER BURGER PAR
BUT WHAT TASTE!
WHAT'S HE LIKE,
DOUGIE?
IS HE TALL,
IS HE DARK?
IS HE ROMANTIC?
HE'S ROGER
ROGER KLOTZ.
HE WAS HERE LAST NIGHT.
I CAN'T KEEP YOUR
FRIENDS STRAIGHT.
IS HE BLUE?
NO, THAT'S SKEETER.
THIS IS ROGER!
ROGER-- WHAT A NAME!
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?
I'VE PLAYED THIS SCENE
A MILLION TIMES.
IT'S IN ALL THE BEST PLAYS.
I KNOW EXACTLY
HOW TO HANDLE IT.
I HAVE A BOYFRIEND,
A BOYFRIEND.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE GIVEN JUDY
THAT LETTER.
WE HAVE TO STOP HER, PORKCHOP.
BUT WHEN I GOT TO THE HONKER
BURGER, I WAS TOO LATE.
WE CAN'T GO ON
LIKE THIS.
HUH?
YOU THINK
IT'S WONDERFUL
BUT I CAN SEE
IT ALL NOW.
THE TWO OF US LIVING
IN A FREEZING LITTLE SHACK
BECAUSE YOU
GAMBLED TOO MUCH.
( coughs )
CONSUMPTION.
LISTEN, JUDY
SHH!
NOT A WORD!
WELL, I
YOU FIND
SOMEONE ELSE.
I AM HEARTBROKEN.
YOU CAD! HOME-WRECKER!
BUT YOU COME CRAWLING
BACK AND I TAKE YOU.
JUST AS THE
POSTMAN ARRIVES
WITH THE LETTER TELLING
US OF MY INHERITANCE
WE DIE OF THE COLD
IN EACH OTHERS' ARMS.
( cheers )
AND SO, MON AMI,
FOR YOUR SAKE
I BID YOU FAREWELL.
THINK WELL ON ME
WHEN YOU WILL.
ADIEU, ADIEU.
( applause )
SEE, DOUG, I TOLD YOU
I KNEW HOW TO HANDLE IT.
ROGER LOOKED LIKE HE WAS PRETTY
DESTROYED BY THE WHOLE THING.
HEY, LOOK, ROGER,
I KNOW HOW YOU MUST FEEL NOW
BUT IN A FEW YEARS,
WHEN YOU LOOK BACK
WHAT A LOON!
YOU NEVER SAID
YOUR SISTER WAS A WEIRDO.
ACTUALLY, I DID TRY
SHE'S EVEN GOOFIER
THAN YOU ARE.
EVERYTHING WORKED OUT OKAY.
I WOULD ONLY HAVE TO DEAL
WITH ONE INSANE PERSON
AT MY HOUSE.
THERE WAS ONLY ONE PROBLEM.
HARK THOU,
KNAVE.
WHAT'S WITH THE
FUNNY PANTS?
YOU'RE LUCKY I'M AROUND
TO KEEP YOU IN LINE.
YEAH, BUT YOU CALLED
US BOURGEOIS PLEBES.
AND PEDESTRIAN.
( laughs )