Duck Dodgers (2003) s02e05 Episode Script

Ah, everything is shipshape just the way I like it.
Same good old ship.
Same good old outer space.
Same good old bridge.
Good morning, Captain Dodgers.
Same good old Cadet.
Hmm? This is strange.
I've never had these sorts of feelings for the Cadet before.
Is it wrong? You're not the Cadet.
He was a lot shorter, right? The old Cadet was transferred.
I'm his replacement.
I'll miss that little chipmunk.
He was a pig, wasn't he? You sure we're talking about the same guy? - I think so.
- Let's see.
He had a nose and, uh, a mouth.
Hmm, and skin.
Yes.
I think he looked like this.
Pretty good, huh? Hmm.
Here.
Hey, that's not bad.
But you forgot some of the details.
See? Come on, Cadet, we've got important stuff to do.
Aye, aye, captain.
Add two drops of sodium fosdex.
Now add five drops of ammonium sulfax.
[LIQUID DRIPPING.]
[MIXTURE EXPLODES.]
Ha! All you raw recruits fall for that one.
[DODGERS LAUGHS.]
Good joke, sir.
[LAUGHS.]
[SPUTTERS THEN GRUNTS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
[GIGGLING.]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
And then there was this other time when I had to face the Klunkins.
I was running a reconnaissance mission on planet Klunk when I became separated from my party.
I looked to the left, Klunkins.
I looked to the right, more Klunkins.
So I leaped in a desperate attempt to escape my pursuers.
Landed on a ledge high above the lava and drew my weapon.
Then the hairy horde launched their attack.
[GRUNTING.]
They were coming at me from both sides.
What do to? What to do? So I sprang high into the air and eluded the smelly brutes.
I found myself running and swinging, leaping and kicking skipping, biting.
I became a fighting machine.
[CLOTH RIPPING.]
- But, alas, there were too many.
- Oh, dear.
So thinking quickly, I created a diversion.
Look, it's the ice cream truck.
Free ice cream.
ALL: Free ice cream.
Then you know what I did? - Yes, I do.
- You do? So while the Klunkins were looking for the ice cream truck you dressed up in women's clothing and snuck away.
They now call that "The Dodger's Maneuver" in honor of you.
That move is taught to all the new cadets at the academy.
Yeah.
Well, it sounds simple and all, but most fellas don't have the gams for it.
[DODGERS WHISTLES.]
So, what do you say we do some of that pressing, uh.
You know? - Protectorate business? - That's it.
Well, we've received a report that the Martians have attacked a primitive planet.
- Set our course.
- I already have.
We'll be arriving in five minutes.
Hey, you're good.
Yes, captain, very, very good.
[YELLING.]
Oh, goodie.
We'll have this planet deforested in record time.
All right, Cadet, stick close and I'll show you the ropes.
Don't be afraid.
You're gonna be fine.
I wonder if I should've made less 2-by-4s and more toothpicks.
[GLASS SHATTERING.]
What? All right, Paul Bunyan, cease and desist.
This time, it will take more than one deluded duck and his lard-filled lackey to stop me.
Perhaps you haven't taken a gander at my new sidekick.
Eh? [GRUNTING.]
What the--? Hey, come on.
Please.
Sweet sister.
Okay, I get the message.
Let's not blow this thing out of proportion.
Don't talk to me, Martian.
Any chance we can settle this between the two of us? Tree murderer! Just to let you know, I had nothing to do with this.
I'll rip you limb from limb.
Heh, hey, nice pun, Cadet.
Way to lighten things up.
Because, you know, we've gotta work with this guy every day.
[SHIVERING.]
If I had teeth, I'd be grimacing piteously now.
I hear you've taken care of that Martian problem.
Good job, Dodgers.
Well, that new cadet you sent over helped out a bit.
- New cadet? - Yeah, the replacement for the old cadet.
Dodgers, I don't know what's going on, but I didn't assign-- [GRUNTS.]
Oops.
Hey, you gotta be a little more careful where you're tossing bricks.
Okay.
But isn't it nicer this way? Just the two of us? Now I have you all to myself.
No interruptions.
Well, you know, I kind of like interruptions.
Cadet and captain all alone forever.
Together forever, I say.
Hey, look, the ice cream truck.
[GASPS.]
That one never fails.
I'll just hang out here and read old magazines while she cools off.
Captain, it's time to take your temperature.
[PANTING.]
Somehow, I don't believe she's a licensed medical practitioner.
Ready for your back rub? Yipe! - She'll never-- - Ready for the valve job? [GIBBERING.]
[GIBBERING.]
Hmm.
- Never seen this one before.
CADET: Hiya! Dodgers.
And I thought you'd be different from the other men I've stalked.
All my careful attention was lavished on you for naught.
Now you'll end up like all the others.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I've gotta get off this ship.
Personally, I think it's safer in here.
ALL: Me too.
[MUFFLED GRUNTING.]
[SNIFFS.]
Why, that's the stench of pig sweat.
You would not believe what's up.
Hurry, captain.
Don't do it.
DODGERS: I must.
[STAMMERING.]
What is it? It's--It's rabbit stew.
[BOTH GULPING.]
CADET: Dodgers.
- Quick, Cadet to the emergency recreational vehicle.
Wow, we just made it.
Yeah.
But, you know, I forgot to grab Mr.
Hoppity out of his hutch.
[GASPS.]
I'm sure he'll be okay.
Which is a lot more than I can say about that psycho babe - once I stick the Protectorate on her.
- Oh, yeah? We're all going down in flames of unrequited passion.
Adiós, Needy Gonzales.
What? [SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Who would have figured these chairs weren't bolted down? I'm over you, Dodgers.
I found someone new.
You were just a phase I was going through.
What was I thinking? Increase speed 170 percent.
Begin strategic counter-clock roll.
Beginning counter-clock roll.
[ALARM BLARING.]
Maintain present gyrations.
[GRUNTING.]
Full reverse engines.
Engines to full reverse.
[DODGERS GRUNTS.]
How did we do, Cadet? Captain, all 330,000 gallons were successfully transferred to the forward hold.
The intrastellar transport of ketchup is more difficult than you'd imagine.
But that's life on the condiment run.
Will you get a load of that racket? Somebody's getting rich transporting these well-to-do slobs on these cruise ships.
And it sure ain't us.
- You know how to play shuffleboard, right? - Uh, uh, shuffleboard? Yeah, because I'm making you my new cruise director.
I, uh, sure hope this turns out better than the time he made me his, uh, trapeze partner.
Look, it's simple.
We have to return to Earth anyway so we're just taking a few paying fat, uh-- Fun seekers with us.
Captain Dodgers, what makes you think that wealthy passengers would even consider flying on, uh, a completely unknown cruise line? Worry not, little piggy.
I placed an ad in a trendy magazine.
If there's one thing I know it's the way a savage shallow mind works.
But, captain, there's gotta be, uh, 300 people here.
How are we gonna take care of them all? Look, just take their money.
And you can figure out the rest later.
HI: Good work, Dodgers, on that ketchup thing.
And have a good voyage back to Earth.
Um, do I have a clear shot all the way? Our thrombosis weapon rouse seems to have worked on the Martians.
You'll have no trouble.
Have a pleasant passage.
I think it will be quite profitable.
Okay, Captain Dodgers, here's the mo-- Here's the loot.
We've got a full ship.
- What are you doing with all that money? - All what money? That big pile of money you're holding in your hands.
Oh, heh, this.
Well, uh, we're collecting money for the orphanage.
Yeah.
Uh, run by the, um, um, Sisters of Righteous, uh, Indignation.
Charity work.
Very commendable.
Yes, it is.
Say, did I see the Cadet out of uniform? I'll just keep this in a safe.
Out of uniform? You know, he does look quite good in that jacket and bow tie.
Listen here, Tubs, we gotta have a system or people are gonna get suspicious.
It's simple.
When we're on the bridge, we wear our regular uniforms.
And when we're out here with the passengers we're in our cruise guide costumes.
[STAMMERING.]
Simple, huh? - Shall we set sail? - Smiles, everyone.
Smiles.
[ALL CHEERING.]
[HORN BLARING.]
And here's your, uh, double malt raspberry and watermelon smoothie, sir.
I hope you ladies have a lovely voyage.
And don't forget to send me lots of free gum.
Slow down.
Where are you going? Well, I've gotta start making lunch for, uh, 350.
And then I promised to help the Andersons get their relationship back on track with a little counseling.
And there's the Kennedys with their ostrich ranch in receivership.
And I'm trying to get the widow Partridge and the widower Douglas together.
Sounds boring.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING.]
Howdy, folks, I'm Captain Dodgers.
BOTH: Hello.
We're the Wiggums from Wisconsin.
Harry and I are here so Harry can recover from gallbladder surgery.
Harry, show Captain Dodgers your scar.
Yeah.
That's nice.
Good work, you know? Like, how they cut it on a bias.
Harry and I own a factory that makes paste.
You mean the white stuff that you eat when you're in kindergarten? Well, yes, but it's actually for gluing-- Hey, I got an idea.
Now, I'm just spitballing here, so bear with me.
What if you made fruit-flavored paste? The white stuff is good, but kids need variety.
But what to call it, hmm? How's about Tasty Paste? Now available in Sticky Strawberry, Gluey Grape and Adhereable Orange.
Now, put yourselves a business plan together and.
Huh? - Don't forget to make your announcement.
- Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Ladies and gentlemen we at Dodgers' Cruises present the latest in cruise entertainment.
We're swinging in close to Mars so you can view a fiery Martian ball at twilight.
[PEOPLE CHEERING.]
And we've got lots of other exciting stuff planned too.
[ALARM BUzzlNG.]
Captain Dodgers, uh, the emergency alarm.
That was a nice touch, Cadet.
But I didn't set it off.
Hey, heh, what's with the outfit, Blackstone? I'm putting on a magic show on B deck.
Ah, magic.
Did you say you didn't set off the alarm? Gotta get to the bridge.
Gotta get to the bridge.
Gotta get to the bridge.
Gotta get to the bridge.
Dodgers, Earth is under attack from the Martians.
You think we could have this conversation, like, next week? You don't understand.
It's all-out war.
What kind of uniform is that? When the Martians determined our thrombosis ray was just a clever rouse they launched an all-out attack.
Star Johnson is leading the entire armada to defend Earth.
[GRUNTS.]
We need backup or Earth is lost.
So it's all up to you.
Do something, anything or Earth is doomed.
It's nice to be needed.
- Don't you think you're overreacting? - No.
Just a little bit? [SCREAMS.]
- Stay on them, Centurion.
- Yes, commander.
Now is the time to put your Protectorate training to work.
I'll try and remember my classes in, uh, fake cruises during Martian attacks.
Just keep the passengers calm.
Please, everyone, remain calm.
Remain calm.
[PEOPLE CHEERING.]
Wow, simulated Martian attack.
This is cool.
The buffet is now open in Dining Room C.
Time for evasive maneuvers.
Attention, passengers.
Please enjoy our simulated evasion of a simulated Martian attack.
Whoa! What is he doing? Centurion, analyze Dodgers' movements for any semblance of a plan.
Beginning analysis.
Wanna follow me into a power dive, Martian? [PEOPLE YELLING.]
Dodgers, things are not good here.
You know, you really do have the worst timing.
- It's all up to-- - Hold that thought.
[GRUNTING.]
CADET: Conga line, everybody.
Okay, big guy, blather away.
Earth's armada has been defeated.
Star Johnson is negotiating terms of surrender.
DODGERS: Tell him to stall.
I've got a plan.
[PEOPLE SCREAMS.]
Centurion, has your analysis revealed Dodgers' plan? We've determined he's headed for the Imperial City.
The city is so fortified that a single Protectorate vessel would have no impact.
We're picking up a strange pulse signature.
I've determined it's either a conga line or the thrombosis ray is aboard their ship.
Oh, no.
And I told everyone the thrombosis ray was only a clever rouse.
We must call off the attack on Earth and make peace before it's too late.
Hey, maybe it's just a conga line.
Yeah, right.
Dodgers, whatever your plan was, it worked.
The Martians have fled.
It worked? So the Andersons are more in love than ever.
The ostrich farm has been saved.
And I see a June wedding for the Partridge-Douglases.
Oh, and we somehow managed to save Earth.
And I get to keep all the money.
Welcome home, hero.
Congratulations, captain.
[PEOPLE CHEERING.]
I couldn't be more proud of you.
Ah, shucks, it was nothing.
And I've made special arrangements so you could make your donation in public.
Yeah, heh, my donation? It took some doing, but I tracked down the Sisters of Righteous Indignation and brought them in from Sheboygan.
Go.
Quickly.
- That was swell of you, Dodgers.
- Really? It couldn't come at a better time for the sisters and their orphanage.
- Yeah? - Now they'll be able to take advantage of a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity fruit-flavored school paste.
They'll make a fortune.
Who would have thunk it? Yeah.
Who would have thunk it? [English - US -SDH.]