Duncanville (2020) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ [laughs.]
Ooh! [growls.]
- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! [chewing loudly.]
Really enjoying that pizza, huh, Claire? Oh, yes.
I never get pizza at home.
[chuckles.]
Both my parents are heart surgeons.
They call pizza heart bombs.
Ah, well, we do it every once in a while.
Every Friday's pizza night because Mommy's too damn tired.
[chuckles.]
What? She doesn't know what days are.
- Monday, Tuesday - Eat your pizza.
[chuckles.]
What's so funny? "Jay Leno's Garage"? - I'm watching "Shut Up, Trish.
" - Wait, what is "Shut Up, Trish"? You've never heard of "Shut Up, Trish?" It's the funniest thing.
It's so funny.
Don't feel bad, Mrs.
Harris.
I've never heard of it either.
My parents don't let me have a cell phone because they think that Yeah, yeah, they call 'em brain bombs.
We get it, Claire.
Oh, "Shut Up, Trish" is this hilarious video where, like, a mom is trying to buy her daughter a shirt, and then the girl tells her mom to shut up.
She's my hero.
- That shirt looks nice on you, honey.
- Shut up, Trish! [laughter.]
Mommy, tell me this shirt looks nice - so I can tell you to shut up.
- So now it is funny to be rude to the woman who loves you more than anything in the world and is just trying to buy you a darling top.
Yeah, and she's stupid rich.
She's got 12 million likes, danced with Ellen on "The Ellen Show," and is playing the villain in the next Spider-Man movie.
Whoa, one viral video, and you're set for life.
[harp strums.]
- [groans.]
- Cut! I'm sorry.
Can I kill Spider-Man? - You're playing the villain.
- But I'm a viral star.
- Swap.
- And action.
[bones brake.]
[harp strums.]
I gotta go.
Hmm.
Hey, looks like your friend Cody is having a party.
Yeah, his dad's having heart surgery, so he's throwing a rager.
My parents are doing the surgery.
It's their date night.
That's nice.
Be home by 9:00, and take this untouched veggie pizza that we had to order for Claire.
I wasn't invited because I'm at a music festival this weekend.
- But you're not.
- That's what unpops like us say - when we're not invited to save face.
- Stop! We're not supposed to tell our parents our deepest hurts because they feel they have to fix it.
Come on, let's go post pictures of ourselves in floppy hats and say we're at Coachella.
Jack, our daughter is an unpop! We have to fix it.
But we always tell her popularity doesn't matter.
It's who you are on the inside.
Well, of course we say that, but we both know that's not true.
Remember how popular we were in high school? Were we ever! We never had a night with nothing to do.
It was exhausting being as popular as we were.
[together.]
I had two dates for the prom.
You did? They even gave us the yearbook cover.
If we could get the pops to hang with our unpop, - they'd see she's a total pop.
- Let's meddle.
[together.]
Go parents! - Yeah! - Pow.
- Can I go to Bradley's house? - Sure, hop on.
[grunts.]
Go, Jing! [video game beeping.]
I win.
Suck it, I guess.
- Play again? - Whatever.
[groan together.]
Guys, what are we doing with our lives? We're supposed to be the generation that stops climate change, - ends gun violence, and frees the nip.
- Mia's right.
I could donate these coins to the homeless instead of just buying another backwards hat.
- I'm fired up.
- Hell yeah! Let's go change the world.
Let's get famous by making a viral video.
Hell yeah! Let's go do that.
[jar shatters.]
I was so close Hey, wait up! If people thought "Shut Up, Trish" was funny, wait until they hear me tell my grandma to shut up.
- Livestream up, Yangzi? - You know I'm rolling.
[snoring.]
Shut up, Grandma! What in the good Lord's name have I done to inspire such cruelty in you? - No, Grandma, it's just a joke.
- No, it's obvious I've failed you.
I'll pack my things and go back to Dayton.
No, Grandma! Please don't leave! Ugh, I think a piece of the devil got in me.
[sobbing.]
You're my everything, Grandma! You're my everything.
Oh, now hush.
Come hug your grandma.
[sobs.]
[both together.]
Swing low ♪ Sweet chariot ♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪ [all crying.]
What up, free world? This is bottle flip.
I'm gonna go for 1,000 in a row.
One.
All right, now, one.
Hoo.
One.
Dang.
One.
Shoot.
One.
One, one.
Okay, we 'bout to nope, one.
One, one.
All right, you get it.
All right, now push your face into that bread nice and slow.
And who's the audience for this again? It's better you don't know.
Just keep facing.
All right, America and Spider-Man director, I'm about to do something so dangerous, I'm gonna break the Internet and hopefully both my legs.
I'm gonna run down the up escalator in a little stunt I call "running down the up escalator.
" [inhales deeply.]
[screams.]
Take that, "Shut Up, Trish.
" [grunts.]
Ugh, help! [all grunting.]
Gotta end sometime, right? - Ooh.
- Ow.
Let's bounce.
I will not be Blarted.
[all wincing and groaning.]
Oh, my God, Cody has a chest hair.
And look at that shark tooth necklace.
I heard it's from Fort Lauderdale.
[together.]
Ooh.
[pop music.]
Cool party.
And cooler shark tooth necklace.
- Somebody's been to Fort Lauderdale.
- Jack, focus.
We are here for our depressingly unpopular daughter.
Right, let's do this.
Hey! [all gasp.]
What happened to my water? Hands up! Pool party enforcement.
Looks like your parents didn't pay the water bill.
Guess your party fun is all dried up.
- Unless - Unless what? Unless there was a more awesome party venue.
Maybe I don't know say, across the street? I'm cold, man.
Stop acting weird and tell us where to go.
Achieving viral fame is a lot harder than it looks.
Hats off to that farting priest.
You kids are in a lot of trouble.
[all gasp.]
Wait, I said that wrong.
You kids are gonna be rich and famous.
I'm Daryl Chrisakowsi, senior VP of digital youth marketing for Stroke-a-Cola energy drink.
That's the drink that gave all those test mice super diabetes.
- Give me some.
- I saw your escalator video.
You saw our video? Did we go viral? No, my dad's a mall cop, and he told me about it, but I think you're extreme enough to be the new face of our fine product.
But first, you need to make a video featuring Stroke-a-Cola, and it needs to get a million views in the next 12 hours.
- Can you do it? - [all.]
Hell yeah.
I don't know.
I think we all have concussions.
I mean, hell yeah! Kimberly! Ugh, I don't care which Beach Boy died! We have a surprise for you! [both gasp.]
Every kid in town.
[both scream.]
[wailing.]
[grunts.]
Hey.
[indistinct chatter.]
What the hell is going on? We hijacked Cody's party and turned it into Kimberpalooza.
Are you insane? I can't host a middle school party.
First of all, you're here.
Chillax, baby, we got everything you need, starting with T-T-Twister! Blu-ray director's cut of "The Secret Life of Pets.
" What could they be up to? We'll just have to find out! And the one thing any boy-girl party wouldn't be complete without.
- A bottle.
- For spinning [all gasp.]
to play spin the bottle into the recycling bin.
[murmurs of disappointment.]
Okay, everybody, I'm sorry you got dragged over here.
If you wanna write loser on my forehead, - I understand.
- Ah, I get it.
It's a retro party.
- Cool.
- Yeah, retro.
- I now think it's cool.
- I now think the same.
Damn right, it's a retro party.
Dad, fire up the T-T-Twister.
Left foot green? I did not see that coming.
They look like they're having fun.
- Do you have a Twister game, Bradley? - Heavens no.
I prefer games that challenge the mind.
Let's see.
- I have Mille Bornes.
- Uh-huh.
- Nine-men's morris.
- Sure.
Mancala, cribbage, Game of the District Messenger Boy.
Or let's have an imaginary tea party.
I generally use my imagination for wondering what it would be like to live in a colorblind world.
It's getting cold, Bradley.
[slurps.]
Come on, guys, we need a viral video.
That strange dude from that shady company - is counting on us.
- Ooh, how about this? We find an otter and gradually earn its trust until one day he introduces us to his otter family.
Once we're accepted as one of their own, we film us working together as a human otter society to make a dam out of the soda bottles Ugh, it's been done before.
Ugh, we need to stimulate our brains.
Caffeine up.
[soda rumbles.]
- Whoa! - What the? Whoa, how did you do that? What else did you have in your mouth? I don't know, nothing.
Just this super dangerously caffeinated energy drink and the breath mint I chew instead of brushing my teeth.
- Whoa! - Oh, my God! Did anybody else notice that? If a little Stroke-a and Dentos did that, think of what a lot of Stroke-a and Dentos could do.
This could be the clean energy solution we've been looking for.
This is the idea that could change the world.
Mia is right.
Let's build a rocket and see how fast it goes.
We need one of these, but big.
Hmm [chatters.]
Hey, let's use that old hot water heater my dad told my mom we took to the dump.
We can't be riding around on a rocket.
We have concussions.
No, we don't, Mia One and Mia Two.
[indistinct chatter.]
Kimberly, this party is sick.
- And your hair is amazing.
- Thanks, I hate it.
[laughter.]
Quite the little soireé, isn't it? You guys believed I could be popular even when I didn't.
You are the coolest parents.
Cody's waiting for you at the make out closet.
[gasps.]
I gotta get rid of my jerk parents.
Who wants cake and/or ice cream? Mm-mmm.
[laughs.]
Mom, Claire's lactose intolerant.
You've gotta go to the store and get sorbet or else she'll die.
Well, or she could just not have the ice cream.
Then she'll kill herself for missing out.
Either way, Claire's dead, and it's on you.
- Hm.
- Isn't that right, Claire? It's true.
Ooh, I'm feeling lightheaded just talking about ice cream.
Okay, okay, as long as your father is here to keep an eye on things, I'll go.
That was my first lie.
You do that every day? If you don't, you lose your edge.
And now, to the closet.
See, the key to raising a prize-winning watermelon is lots of water, but not too much water.
Hey, Dad, too bad your guitar's in the shop.
All the kids have been asking about you doing a live set.
Really? Tell your mother to keep an eye on things.
- I've got a gig! - Gotta get ready for my first kiss.
[sucking saliva.]
I'm ready.
Hey, where does Dad keep his extra toilet? Ugh! There's one in the garage.
- What are you doing? - Building a rocket.
What does it look like? What are you doing? I don't have all day.
My old man's almost out of surgery, - You're making out with guys? - You're stealing Dad's stuff.
[both together.]
I'm telling Mom.
Wait, don't tell Mom.
That's Dad's shower chair.
He has one rule.
[mockingly.]
"Don't touch my shower chair.
" Once I'm famous, none of us will ever have to shower again.
[wheels creaking.]
Have fun at your unsupervised party.
- Did he say "unsupervised"? - Yes, I did.
I've never been unsupervised.
Goodbye, coaster! What a rush! It's seven-layer dip! I feel them all.
[laughs.]
Don't just stand there.
We're unsupervised! [all cheer.]
- [pop music.]
- Hi.
Are you gonna talk this whole time? You're amazing.
Let's kiss.
[gasps.]
[people screaming.]
[laughs.]
Faster! Ah! Okay, who's up for "Secret Life of Pets"? When the human's away, the pets will ah! Okay, all fueled up.
Dang, you serious? Countdown checklist steering? - No.
- Brakes? - No.
- Helmets.
- No.
- American flag? Hell yeah.
Duncan, are you really sure you wanna do this? I have to.
I made a sacred vow to an energy drink sales rep.
Okay, but if you don't make it back, there's one thing that I want you to know.
- Hm? - This was completely unnecessary.
What up, America? It's your boy Yangzi streaming to you live for Stroke-a-Cola Energy Drink, the only energy drink that will stop your heart and start your mind.
What you're about to see is totally real, unlike the moon landing.
- Here we go.
- Let's fire this baby up! Here I come, God, you coward! - What's wrong? - Hang on, let me jiggle it.
[rocket booms.]
[all screaming.]
I'm sorry, God! You're so damn brave! - [deadpan.]
We're gonna die.
- If we die, we die together.
Whoa! We gotta do something.
Right, let's make a GoFundMe for Duncan's funeral.
His family's gonna be so broke.
Okay, dairy-free desert for the girl who ate half a pizza.
All right, what would 12-year-olds love? I know, an hour of acoustic Rush! Jack, you're supposed to be supervising the party.
Kimberly told me you were supervising.
[gasps.]
[chuckles.]
Oh, Annie, you got played.
We both got played like nine-men's morris.
I'm gonna lay down the law on that kid - as soon as I'm done with my gig.
- There is no gig.
First one home gets to ground Kimberly.
[tires squealing.]
[screams.]
- Oh! - [grunts.]
Jack, you're driving too fast and too furious.
It's for family, Annie.
All we got is family family! Duncan? What the hell are you doing? A viral stunt.
I wanna be famous and kill Spider-Man.
Is that my shower chair? I have one rule, Duncan! One rule! [siren blares.]
- [over PA.]
You on the water heater, pull over.
- Can't, no brakes.
I got a shot.
Should I open fire? Did you learn nothing from the seminar? [screams.]
I can't stop wetting myself! He is surprisingly excited about that.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! We're at 999,000.
We're about to be famous forever.
[rocket roars.]
[crash.]
[pop music.]
[gasps.]
Hey, you know what's more fun than stabbing? Sitting.
[chuckles.]
- [screams.]
- [laughs.]
Mom's cart! Hey, you know what's also extreme? Charging that in the outlet.
Okay.
Hi-yah! Hey, are those my dad's Steely Dan albums? - Yeah.
- Carry on.
Hi-yah! What the heck is happening down there? They're acting out because they don't know how to cope with their hormones.
I wanna be friends with my hormones.
There's no way around adolescence only through.
- Wanna act like puppies? - Okay.
[barking.]
Why aren't you making any sounds? I'm a basenji, the barkless dog.
[sighs.]
Of course you are.
Claire, we've gotta figure out a cool way to shut this party down.
[gasps.]
What's that in your hand? Is that a peanut? Don't you dare.
You're allergic! My entire life, I've never had one.
I have to know! Take my EpiPen.
Claire, no, if your throat closes, who will help me clean? [inhales.]
See you on the other side.
[rocket rumbles.]
Wow, it's everything my allergist said [screams.]
[people screaming.]
[people continue screaming.]
- [people cheer.]
- [inhales rapidly.]
I think I do better with supervision.
[groans.]
Duncan, how many fingers am I holding up? One.
And what's my one rule? Oh.
[explosion.]
All right, kids, everyone go home.
Nothing to see here.
Are you kidding? A toilet just took out a police helicopter.
Kimberly threw the greatest party of all time.
[kids cheer.]
Whoa, hold on, Margot's parents are lost at sea.
She's home alone until they find them.
- They've got a finished basement.
- And her dad has a hookah! Margot's the new Kimberly! [kids cheer.]
[grunts.]
What up, dumbasses? You know me.
Daryl Chrisakowsi, senior VP of digital youth marketing for Stroke-a-Cola energy drink.
So am I the new face of Stroke-a-Cola? Absolutely.
Wait, I said that wrong.
No.
You, peanut girl.
How'd you like to be the face of a company involved in three class action lawsuits? - Okay.
- But I almost died.
And I appreciate that, but she did die.
- I saw God.
- I love it.
The Christian market is gonna eat you up.
Bye, dumbasses! [both together.]
I was so close.
Popularity is for losers.
Yeah, they're probably all in Margot's stupid finished basement making out like idiots.
- Yeah, losers.
- Yeah.
[sucks saliva.]
The quest for celebrity is a hollow pursuit.
Validation must come from within.
Socrates posited [together.]
Bradley, go home! Very well.
[panting weakly.]
I have never been more furious at you kids in my life.
The only thing that'll calm me down is eating the watermelon I spent all summer growing while listening to the soothing jazz rock of Steely Dan.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no! Okay, kids, go inside and tell your dad how sorry you are and how much you love him.
- Mom, no! - What did I do? Please, just beat us! It's sturdy, but I don't feel cradled.
It's just so hard to tell with my clothes on.
What do you think, honey? They're all equally pathetic.
Jack, pick one.
Duncan, you selfishly destroyed my chair.
What do you think? Ugh, quiet, I'm watching something important.
[gasps.]
Shock your system with Stroke-a-Cola.
Ugh, no fair.
Why couldn't I have been born with deadly allergies? [gasps.]
Look at this.
Claire's at Coachella with Shut Up, Trish, and Spider-Man.
Come on, take a sit.
I don't have time to sit in the shower, okay? I'm a busy, working mother.
I'm juggling home and [gasps.]
- Oh, my God.
- Right? Scooch over.
Now imagine the water's been running for 90 minutes.
[both moaning.]
- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh.
- Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
- God, stop.
Blegh.