Empty Nest (1988) s02e05 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery sometimes the answer can be hard to find that's something i will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on all right.
There you go, my dear.
You should be able to hear just fine now.
But remember, next time, if you want to save your gum for later, it goes behind the ear.
- Mm.
- Mm-mm.
Okay, we all finished here? I'm afraid there's something wrong with mitzy.
Oh, well, okay.
Let's see if Dr.
Harry can figure out what is wrong with her.
Thank you, dear.
Well, I can see that the tongue depressor, would be a waste of time.
Oh, hello.
Is Dr.
Weston available? Laverne, call the doll hospital and tell 'em to round up Barbie.
We may need a donor.
Uh, Dr.
Harry? Oh, Janet! Janet majors! Oh, ho! I just got transferred back to Miami, and I thought I'd check in on my all-time favorite doctor.
It is so great to see you.
And you look wonderful, just beautiful.
Well, you look just as handsome as ever.
Yeah, yeah, everybody looks dandy.
Now, you do remember you have a lunch date with Dr.
Scott in five minutes? Dr.
Harry, you glued her to the table.
All right, let's go, dear.
Come on.
You wait right here, Janet.
Okay.
Uh, what's going on in there? Code pink.
Doll in distress.
Look, she's all better.
Dr.
Harry is terrific.
I know it.
Tell Dr.
Harry thank you, mitzy.
Dr.
Harry.
Oh Doll: Hi.
My name is mitzy.
There, now.
Just put a little ice on her head, she'll be fine.
Bye-bye, now.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- See you.
So what are my chances of taking gods gift to dolls to lunch? None.
His plans with Dr.
Scott were made two weeks ago.
Laverne, call Everett.
Tell him my first and dearest tonsillectomy just showed up.
Tell me, are you eating vegetables yet? My, my.
Aren't we dressed up? Daddy has dinner plans with Janet.
Again? Daddy, this sounds serious.
I don't like this.
The woman is half your age.
Carol, it is not serious.
I'm just reintroducing her to Miami.
And she's not half my age.
She's Okay, let's say 2/3.
Okay.
Daddy, I don't like this.
The woman is 2/3 your age.
Hi, all.
Feed me.
To what? Well, I, for one, am glad daddy's finally dating someone younger.
Hey, looks like I lucked into a hot topic, instead of the usual "we've got to get Carol a man" thing.
Barbara.
It is not dating.
It is tour guiding.
Well, whatever it is, I just think that after Mrs.
weiss, it'll be nice for you to date someone who doesn't want to raise the Titanic, to get her stuff back.
Hey, don't knock it.
I happen to believe mature women bring a lot to a relationship.
You? You're kidding.
Sure.
Old broads are usually so desperate, you can get 'em to spring for the room and the pizza.
Charley Out.
Boy, try and show an interest.
You know, you hear about this all the time.
Young, freckle-faced girl chases after old, freckle-handed man.
What are you talking about? Daddy, this woman obviously wants to marry you for your money.
She's a gold-digger.
This conversation is ridiculous.
Oh, is it? Daddy, think about it.
She just shows up one day, comes to your office, no doubt to check out your patient load.
Dates you every night, no doubt to check out your credit card limit.
Comes to your house, no doubt to check the length of your toaster cord, to see if it reaches your bathtub.
Next thing you know, she is the very wealthy widow Weston.
Or, Carol, maybe she just likes daddy because he's daddy, and he's sweet.
My god, even Norman Rockwell would be driven to slap some sense into you people.
All right, that must be Janet, here to meet my lovely daughters.
Hi, Janet.
Whoa, you look wonderful.
Thank you.
You too.
Oh, what a lovely home.
Not really.
Four small bedrooms.
Only two baths.
We don't even own the mineral rights to the land.
You must be Carol.
- Hi, I'm Barbara.
- Hi.
After all these years, I finally get to meet Harry's daughters.
I always knew he'd have beautiful children.
Thank you.
Well, we do have reservations for 7:00.
We should get going.
Oh, well, um, I'm awfully glad I finally got to see both of you.
- Us too.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
She seems very nice.
I think she wants to marry daddy because she likes him.
Nobody wants to marry anybody here, all right? All right.
Except Janet.
I am so glad I got to meet your daughters tonight.
You have very interesting children.
Well, thank you.
But I can't take all the credit for Carol.
She did fall off the changing table a few more times than we would've liked.
Oh, Harry, even after 15 years, you're just as terrific as I remembered.
No wonder I've always had this huge crush on you.
Oh, I Sorry, sorry.
Um That's mine.
No well, no, forget it.
Keep it.
I mean, if you like it, it's number 24 on the menu.
In school, I used to draw little hearts all over my binder.
With me, it was skulls.
And in the hearts, I would write, "Dr.
and Mrs.
Harry Weston.
" Oh.
Pfffft.
Well, you know, i didn't want the two of you fighting over that one piece, so.
- Um, Harry? - Huh? I'd like to talk to you about us.
You see, I feel that No, that's it.
No more chopsticks, for me.
Am I making you nervous? Well, I don't know.
Depends upon what you mean by nervous.
I mean, if you're talking about the pork projectiles, that could've been nerves.
But, uh Yes, yes, yes, you're making me nervous.
Oh, Harry.
You're so cute.
Well, that's the look i was going for.
You know, ever since the first minute I walked into your office I've had this fantasy.
When I grew up, I wanted to be a successful lawyer and live in a big house and be the wife of Dr.
Harry Weston.
Really? I always wanted to be a fireman, you know.
The ladder, the dog with the spots on it.
A silly choice what with my fear of suspenders.
And in the fantasy, I always pictured a little Harry junior crawling around.
Well, I am over my fear of suspenders now.
Harry, that fantasy is why i came to see you.
You see, it's It's almost all come true.
I am a successful lawyer.
I do live in a big house.
There's only one thing missing.
Uh, i-i think I know where this is going.
And I c I can't deal with this.
- Harry - No, no.
You've gotten to talk.
I've only gotten to babble.
Now it's my turn to talk, and, uh, this is too fast.
We hardly know each other, and there's this age difference, and, I mean, you just don't jump into marriage.
Harry, stop.
You're a very sweet man, and I love you, but I'm not interested in getting married.
Oh.
Oh, oh, well.
Just look at me here.
I mean, I I can't get a single bite of sweet and sour in my mouth, but the foot goes right in.
Harry I want you to go to bed with me.
Oh! See, that's the reason i came back to Miami.
I want you to father my child.
Carol, what are you doing up? It's 2:00 in the morning, and daddy's not home yet.
I'm afraid something horrible might have happened to him.
He could be out there right now, calling out our names.
Just lying there, married.
Well, if he's lying there, married, I doubt he's calling out our names.
Do you mind? I'm trying to get some sleep.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What the hell are you doing in our living room? My bed has all these lumps in it.
And she refuses to go home.
Ahhh.
Morning, everybody.
Oh, daddy, thank god you're back.
Whatever she's done to you, we can have it annulled.
Carol, you couldn't have been more wrong about her.
Janet has no interest in marriage or my money.
She simply wants me to father her child.
Oh! All right! Score one for Dr.
love.
What did you say to her? What do you mean, what did I say to her? I said no.
End of discussion.
And then what happened after you said no? I don't know.
We both sat there and ate in silence for a very long time, and then she cleared her throat, which caught me by surprise, and I started a food fight with the people at the next table.
It's a very long story.
Anyway, I told Janet if she didn't mind, I would rather just walk home by myself, and eight miles later, here I am.
Poor daddy.
I mean, i-i I still can't believe it.
I mean, the woman actually expected me to give her a baby.
Out of wedlock.
Me, a man who feels naked without an undershirt.
I mean, is that not the craziest thing you ever heard? Yes.
No.
Well, daddy, I'm not saying you should do this.
I'm just saying I think maybe I know how she feels.
Oh, not that biological clock garbage.
For your information, that garbage is real.
Personally, I've got major baby lust.
Carol I'm always here for you.
Did you let her down easy, or did you at least tell her you would think about it? What's to think about? He has three terrific daughters.
What more could he want? A son.
Carol, look what you did.
You broke daddy.
Barbara.
Daddy, why would you want another child? That's crazy! Barbara, it's not gonna happen.
It's just that When your mother was pregnant with Carol, we said we didn't care what it was, as long as it was a healthy baby.
And we got this lovely daughter.
Then when she was pregnant with you, we said, "as long as it's healthy.
"But since we already do have a daughter, a boy would be nice.
" Another lovely daughter.
Then with Emily, we said, "oh, please, let it be a boy.
" And what was it? It was Emily.
Oh, right.
Look I wouldn't trade you girls in for anything.
But every now and again, I I wonder what it would have been like to have a little boy.
I mean, you can understand that, can't you? No.
What would a boy have that Carol and I don't? Ooh, ooh.
Charley, out.
What? I haven't even said a word yet.
This is preemptive.
Out.
But my stupid date is still there.
Well, I guess it's time for the old hold-the-match-up- to-the-smoke-alarm trick.
You should be glad you have daughters.
Daughters are cute and sweet! Feminine and dainty! Soft little bundles of joy, damn it! Oh, boy.
I never should have opened my mouth.
She'll be fine.
I can't help it.
Sometimes I wonder if I missed out on something.
You know, playing catch.
Going to the fights.
Guy talk stuff.
Not that you girls weren't terrific.
No, I understand, daddy.
I still feel bad about the time we went fishing, and I sang "born free" and dumped all the live bait overboard.
So are you going to see Janet again? No, no, no.
I don't I don't think so.
And she said it would be too painful.
That every time she saw me, she would see this perfect father that got away.
Well, I'll give her credit for this much.
She knows a perfect father when she sees one.
Thank you, baby.
Goodnight, daddy.
Goodnight.
Fire, fire! Run for your life, whatever your name is! Well.
Don't you look like somethin' the cat batted under the icebox and just got swept out.
Do people really talk like that where you come from? Or do you stay up nights thinking these up? Barbara called.
Wants to know if you'll meet her after work.
Of course I will.
She also told me about last night.
Oh, good.
I was afraid you might get left out of the loop.
So let me get this straight.
This woman gets it in her mind she wants a young'un, so she tracks down her old baby doctor and says she wants you two to get together to pound a posture pedic? Laverne! Well, you should know i don't much cotton to this babies out of wedlock stuff.
Well, thank you very much, Laverne.
So what'd you say? You two gonna set the quilt a-quiverin'? No, and Laverne, would you please stop? Well, I'm bein' delicate.
Can't you see I'm a-usin' euphemisms here? I mean, couldn't you try "sleep with" or "go to bed with"? Means the same thing.
It does not.
It's a big difference.
It means the exact same thing.
Oh, who died and made you roget? I know who that is.
There's some forms on your desk to be signed.
Oh, doctor.
Roget? He was that thesaurus guy.
Hi, Laverne.
Is he in? Yes, he is.
But I think you should be aware of our policy.
We treat babies here.
We don't make 'em.
Whatever happened to that nice nurse McConnell you used to have? Oh, Janet.
Well, what, uh, brings you here? Well, I came to apologize for last night.
I'm afraid i must have come across as awfully brazen and forward.
I know I hit you with quite a bit you weren't expecting.
Oh, no, no.
No, don't be silly.
I am a man of the world, Janet.
Open this up here.
Actually, that is not true.
I was pretty shocked by what you said last night.
Uh by the way, were you ever able to get that pork out of your hair? You know, I know I probably went about this all wrong.
It's just that I wanted a baby so badly and even if it's only part time, Harry junior is gonna need a daddy.
Someone to take the training wheels off his bike.
Someone to teach him how to dribble a basketball.
You know, tie a tie.
All those kinds of things that fathers and sons do.
Fishing.
You gotta take him fishing.
Harry, is there any chance you'd reconsider? Ahem, ahem! You can come in, Laverne.
Oh, I'm glad y'all are decent.
As you don't have a porch light over the door, I didn't know what the signal might be.
What is it, Laverne? Doctor, I'm afraid we have a slight emergency.
Room one, Eddie burder, playground fight.
I patched him up, but he wants to see you.
All right.
Janet, stay.
I'll be I'll be right back.
- Oh.
- Thank you, Laverne.
And for your information, missy, they caught nurse McConnell a-dippin' into the petty cash.
Hi, champ.
How you feeling? Beat up.
Third time this month.
Well, what was the fight about this time? Blankie again.
This mean kid keeps picking on me.
Oh, well, this mean kid, is he a big guy? Yeah, 3' 9".
Whoa.
I need a few pointers.
Okay, well, one choice would be to stand up and fight, "but that 3' 9" thing's gonna be tough to overcome.
What else you got? Well, you know, you always could leave blankie back at home.
I don't think I could do that.
I may have to drop out of preschool.
No, no, no, no.
You'd have the same problem in kindergarten.
And you don't wanna miss kindergarten.
Kindergarten is great.
You learn to read all the exciting things that dick and Jane do.
They run, they jump, they go.
Actually, I may have just spoiled it for you.
So what do I do? I tell you what, huh? When you get home, you can just snip off a little corner of blankie.
Put him in your pocket.
And that way, blankie's always with you, and that mean kid will never know.
You think that'll work? Worked for me.
How do you think i got through med school? I never would have thought of that.
Thanks a lot, Dr.
Harry.
Oh, you're welcome.
Come on.
There you go.
Bye-bye, son.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Oh, Laverne, I wish you could've been in here.
Just two guys having some guy talk, just being guys together.
Oh, lord.
You're considerin' this, aren't you? Janet, there's something i really need to say to you.
When you hit me with that stuff last night, I was flabbergasted.
Anyway, uh, you did catch me off guard, but you also stirred up in me some very old feelings i haven't felt in a long time.
Got me thinking about a son.
Go on.
Well, I just left a kid in the room that pushed all those father-son buttons for me.
Oh, Harry.
Now, if anything could have persuaded me to consider your proposal, that was it.
But it didn't do it.
You see, just jumping into bed on a moment's notice is not my idea of how you make a baby.
I mean, maybe it could be okay for you, but I'm I'm an old-fashioned guy.
We did it differently.
I mean, we were romantic.
We we had rules, you know.
You dated someone for a while, and the families met, and they threw a big wedding, and then there was this accident, and you had a baby.
Now, I know that probably sounds real corny, but that's who I am.
No.
It doesn't sound corny.
Well, sorry.
Me too.
We could have had a great baby.
Hm.
Well.
Goodbye, Dr.
Harry.
Goodbye, Janet, dear.
Come over here.
Oh.
Eat your vegetables.
Yeah.
So.
You two gonna buff the bed No, lav no.
Laverne.
Why would I even consider that? I mean, okay, i don't have a son.
But I mean, there's nothing a son could give me that My girls don't already give me.
Come on, girls, let's go! Up and at 'em! Daddy, it's 4:30 in the morning.
Well, come on.
I wanna hit the lake before the sun does.
But isn't it more sporting if the fish are awake? Barbara, you take the cooler.
Honey, you take this.
Daddy, I can't go.
I have no makeup on, and my hair is a mess.
Nobody will notice.
Here.
Come on, let's go! You're making us do this because of that son thing, aren't you? Oh, don't be silly.
Let's go, biff.
Come on, Dave.