F is For Family (2015) s02e05 Episode Script

1 God damn it! Get out of the way, you happy-go-lucky son of a bitch! What? - Here's your Sunday paper, sir.
- It's Sunday? Holy shit.
I was supposed to help negotiate with the North Vietnamese yesterday.
Well, let's see how it all went.
- Ouch.
- I'm also collecting.
You owe The Chronicle Journal Record $13.
35.
Look, kid, I don't have any cash on me right now.
- I'll get you next week.
- That's what you said last week.
And I'm saying it this week! - But - I don't have it, you little shit! Oh, you have it.
Why don't you just pay my son what you owe him? - Or else what? - I don't know.
Maybe I'll just wrap this thing around your fucking head.
Let's see some hustle, ladies! Thanks for helping me with that guy, dad.
Eh, it was nothing.
Those rich guys are soft.
But you don't want to try that shit downtown.
That's how you lose an ear.
Kevin, hurry it up! Christ, you go any slower, it'll be time to deliver tomorrow's paper.
Hang on! - Chopper's leaving! - Son of a bitch! Wait up! Why can't you slow down? I'm an artist, not an athlete.
Well, then, find a creative way to keep up.
Ow! Why do I have to do this anyway? It's not my stupid route.
Because I'm trying to instill a work ethic in you.
You should be more like your little brother.
If every kid was like him, I would've had seven.
He's contributing to the family.
'Cause his head isn't in the clouds.
He's got Shut the fuck up! My song's coming on! Time for the KWOCK 109.
5 # Weather! # Yes! Immortality! You're gonna feel mortal when you're living on a park bench, fighting off squirrels.
Playing music is a hobby, not a job.
You're so dense.
You just don't get it.
Ow! My brain! Guess I can't drive because I'm dense.
Dad! Holy shit! - Kevin? Are you all right? - I just met Jimi Hendrix.
He told me to return to you mortals.
Oh, you mean that drug addict who fucked up the national anthem? Maybe he can drive you home.
Come on, Dad! Stop it! Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Okay.
One, two, three.
This old tub is just what I need for my invention.
Thanks for your help, boys.
You can run along home.
I'm sure your parents are wondering where you are.
Nah.
The blue man with the gun, he came - and took them to the people zoo.
- Granny's with us now.
But she's taking a nap at the bottom of the staircase.
Uh-oh, Maureen, your mean old grandpa's home! He don't like us! Get out of here, you toothless monkeys! - Got to get out! - Get out! Mom, I got enough money for my hockey stick! That's great, honey! Yeah, because now you'll finally shut up about it! You shut up! Well, if it isn't guitar god Kevin Murphy! Hey, Vic.
You put your lizard on a leash? That's so cool.
It's only fair.
This one's got my lizard on a leash.
- Hey, come on now.
- Oh! Oh, for Christ's sake, Vic, even God rested on Sunday.
Let's go in.
Eyes front.
I got your flyer, Kevin! Congratu-lotto on the gig tomorrow! - Thanks, Vic! - Don't forget old Vic when you're playing concerts on the Moon! I won't! Hey, your thing looks good.
Your salad killer? Salad tosser.
I'm pitching it tomorrow.
I'm taking a risk, but if they go for it, this could be a really big deal for me.
The real thing will be smaller, but I'll use this prototype to demonstrate how centrifugal force can spin lettuce dry.
What the hell? - I relly think it could revolutionize - Did you see this?! Yeah.
Isn't it nice? Kevin made it himself.
He's playing a show on a school night? With his grades? "Paradise Pavilion?" Sounds like a Korean whore house! Frank, calm down.
It's just one show.
They only have two songs.
It'll be 20 minutes.
Followed by a lifetime of standing in a bread line.
It's that fucking Vic's fault.
If he hadn't put his song on the radio, none of this would've happened.
You know Kevin.
If you yell at him about this, it will only make him want to do it more.
Oh, I'm not gonna yell at Kevin.
Fucking guy.
I'll teach him a thing or two.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
Is Vic Vic around? He's, um he's busy right now.
Come on in, Frank! I'll be with you in a minute.
I'm drowning a brown clown down in splash town! Make yourself at home.
Okay.
Thank you.
Eh What the hell? Whoa! It's a Swedish water couch.
The prime minister of some country made it for Vic.
Of course he did.
Frank-o American-o! Cutie Pie, remind me, did I drink another bottle of ketchup last night or do I need to go to the hospital? Would you go up to the bathroom and take a look for me? Again? Ain't she something, Frank? I think she's the one.
She makes me think about getting a car with four doors and filling it up with little ones, using spoons for cereal.
You know, settling down.
Congratulations.
I want to talk to you about all this encouragement you've been giving Kevin lately.
He's a good kid, Frank.
Helping Kevin makes me feel like I'm making positive contribution to society.
Yeah, well, I need you to knock it off! Why, Frank? I love being a role model.
Our journey to stardom begins tomorrow, Bolo.
So you better get someone to feed your turtle 'cause we're gonna be on tour for years.
That fucking dick.
Vic, please, you got to stop encouraging him! He's neglecting his school work for a one in a zillion chance! A man's got to reach for the stars.
Ah! Jesus! Stop reaching! Not everybody just gets to waltz through life the way you do! Kevin is failing every subject in school right now! That's happened to many great musicians.
He's failing music! Please, just leave my son alone and stop filling his head full of dreams that'll never come true! Thanks for believing in me, Dad! Oh, I only want what's best for you.
You gotta be realistic, Kevin.
How many stars are there? - Billions! - Not in the sky, you dope! In the neighborhood! You got to be realistic, son.
Face it, no matter how hard you try, the odds are against you.
You're never gonna be a pilot Shit.
Rock star! Fuck off, old man! Watch your mouth.
I forbid you from doing that show! - What?! - You heard me.
As long as you live under my house, you will follow my rules.
I hate you! I wish I was never born! We finally agree on something! You're just killing my dream 'cause you never got to do yours! And whose fault was that?! I will never ever give you backstage passes! Agh! When youth was young From spring to fall And now to winter It's at an end It was a pleasure Can you imagine being a pilot? Up there all alone, just you and the clouds.
Your own boss.
Oh, it's beautiful.
You know what's beautiful? This pork shoulder sandwich.
Wow, I wish I could eat like you, Pogo.
Where does it all go? I've been blessed with genetics, Frank.
I've got the metabolism of a cheetah.
You're lucky, Pogo.
I got to work like hell to keep the pounds off.
Sue likes me skinny.
I'm gonna give her this locket tonight.
It's the anniversary of our first date.
That's nice.
That thing must have cost you a fortune.
I worked like hell to save for it.
Air National Guard, here on the weekends.
It'll all be worth it when I'm a pilot.
Then me and Sue will have it all.
My old man thinks I'm a fool to want to be a pilot.
He's such a dick! What's your dream, Bob? My dream is to someday have a desk to call my own.
With a chair with wheels on it.
I swear, if I ever get an office job, I'll never leave that desk.
Never ever.
Bob, I think you're gonna be a big man around here someday.
And you'll be in one of those planes getting ready to take off.
You can take off now, Frank.
You put in a good 12 hours of back-to-back snack jacking.
Thanks, Smokey.
I love this job.
And I'll take every extra shift I can get my hands on.
You want it? You got it.
You know something? You remind me of my son.
He came out albino, so we shunned him.
Sold him off to the circus.
We didn't know no better! That's what you did back then! Oh, God! Being a father is about making tough decisions.
To this day, I never spent that 75 bucks that ringmaster gave me, in case he came back.
Tell me, Frank Murphy, is your name Larry? Huh? Is your name Larry, Frank Murphy? Tell me your name is Larry! Smokey, I wish it was.
All right, Frank.
You go on home now.
And hug them normal-skinned kids tight! That was "Nodding Off" by the Heavy Lids.
It's 5:53 a.
m.
and you're listening to Warm Milk with Warren on W.
E.
E.
Z.
E.
: "The Wheeze".
Shit! Hey, Dad! Hey, son! You're making me proud! I am a rock god! Hit the books! And you're a fucking dildo Oh, shit.
Good morning to you too.
- Today's your big pitch, huh? - Yep.
I rehearsed it all night in the mirror and I think I've got it down.
I'm gonna bide my time, wait for the perfect moment, and then Oh Thanks for listening.
Love you, Frank.
I love you too, Smokey.
Let's get to that store before all the Jacques Dupuis sticks are gone! I can't wait to use that baby in tryouts.
And I'll cheer you on safely behind the glass.
Oh, look! It's Billy bitch-tits and his Pumpkin-headed pussy.
My name's Phillip.
Leave us alone, you monkey-eared asshole! Oh, now you asked for it, queef machine.
Ow! Ow! Quit it! Stop! - Phillip! - The king will slap his subject.
Ow! Ow! Well, what have we here? Hey, that's mine! I earned it! And his lordship will take it from you! Leave him alone or I will fucking eat you! Oh, man! Oh, man! Oh, man! - You okay, Red? - Yeah.
Why the fuck didn't you help him? Mother says, "Violence begets violence.
" Your mother's an asshole.
Don't ever let me catch you doing that shit again.
Thanks, Randy.
Anything for you, kid.
Us newsies gotta stick together.
There's always a Jehovah's Witness around the corner, looking to fuck you up.
Could I borrow ten dollars from you until next collection day? What, so that fucking lesbian can take it from you again? But I need to get this hockey stick.
Tryouts are tomorrow.
Not my problem, Red.
It's a dog-eat-dog world.
So, you better start eating! What the fuck does that mean? Usually, when you put butter on a muffin, it runs off the sides and gets on the table.
But with the "Triple Tiered Muffin Holder," the butter simply drips down onto the next level of muffins and beyond.
It's like a champagne tree, except for butter! Why don't you cut the muffin in half like everyone else? Why don't you go fuck yourself? Well, we certainly didn't save the best for last.
I'm gonna go see which of my guns fits best in my mouth.
Excuse me, Tracy.
I know I'm just the secretary, but I have an idea I'd like to pitch.
I'd like to pitch her idea.
I'm curious, Gene, do you use that mouth when you kiss another man's penis? Yeah! You sure got me! That's what your wife says when the postman puts it in her hiney.
I'm gonna call you Heart Disease because you're killing me! Yeah! Go ahead, Sue.
Wow us.
Every day, housewives deal with the problem of soggy lettuce.
It can make any salad a gushy, sopping, dripping, wet mess.
What, am I that predictable? She's got me hooked.
So I came up with The Salad Tosser.
Dad? Dad.
Can you make me dinner? It's 5:00.
Shit! Daddy, can we go out and get ice cream for supper? No.
Daddy's got to go to work soon.
You want ice cream, go to your friend's house and look sad.
That's the face.
You might get two scoops with that mug.
Prisoner 3471, reporting for solitary confinement.
- Guilty of the crime of dreaming! - Don't spoil your dinner.
You're not the boss of my stomach! My mouth is! Dick! Everything okay, Daddy? Princess, when you grow up, you can be anything you want.
Just not Kevin.
Or a golfer.
How much of your money did Jimmy take? I only have eleven dollars left.
Now I have to buy a cheaper stick.
What the hell?! The price went up! And I can't even afford the shitty one now.
Maybe it's a clerical error.
No mistake.
That's inflation for you.
I really need that stick, sir.
Tryouts are tomorrow.
I had the money.
I worked hard for it, but I got mugged.
And I lost a leg between a station wagon and a Dumpster, and they gave me an artificial leg made for a woman.
But you don't hear me complaining about it.
Well, you seem to be voicing displeasure.
Please, sir! Are you crying? Well, maybe you should go out for field hockey, you little pussy! Fuck this! I earned it.
Phillip, ask that guy to show you something in the back of the store.
I'm taking that stick.
But that's against the law.
Do it.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Could you show me where a man could find a shuttlecock? Huh.
That figures.
- Where do you think you're going? - Ah! He saw through my charade! You're in a lot of trouble, bucko.
Please don't call my parents.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do, you little degenerate.
What's your name? Out with it! What's your name? Jimmy.
Jimmy Fitzsimmons.
Well, Jimmy Fitzsimmons, that's the first honest thing you've done all day, you little mick.
What's your phone number, Jimmy Holy shit, Phillip! Why did you do that? - I don't want Randy to eat me! - Let's get out of here! Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
I told him I was Jimmy.
When he finds out, I'm so dead.
- I got your name, Fitzsimmons! - Ah! So, thanks to centrifugal force, your wife will never have soggy lettuce again.
You can "leaf" the drying to The Salad Tosser.
Thank you.
Huh.
Interesting, Sue.
Drying lettuce.
Could be a whole new market.
Does it work? Yes! And I built a prototype.
I-I have it here.
May I present the handy-dandy, easy to use, housewife's best friend The Salad Tosser! Uh It's a tad big, don't you think? Well, obviously, the finished product would be much smaller.
It looks like a washing machine on a Lazy Susan.
Well, yes, that's what the prototype is, but it - It's not even made of plastic.
- Again, it's a prototype.
Look, let me demonstrate.
I don't want to have to ride a bike every time I make a salad.
It's a prototype! See, like a washing machine - Ah, my tie! - What the fuck? Jesus! - Lazy Susan? More like Crazy Susan! - Crazy Susan! What a piece of shit! I don't want to laugh in your face.
Turn around! - Where the hell have you been? - Nowhere! What? Dinner's ready.
- Oh, okay.
- Hey.
What do you got there? All right, you bought that stick you been saving for.
Good for you.
I'll take you to those tryouts tomorrow.
That thing you feel inside is called pride.
Every time you pick up that stick, you'll have that same sense of accomplishment that only comes from knowing that you earned it.
I'll be right back.
I got to go feed my prisoner in the dungeon.
Hey, Mozart.
It's the warden.
Even though you hate me, I still want you to eat.
Open the door.
Come on.
I got you extra meatballs for good behavior.
Where are you? Kevin? For Christ's sakes! Out of the Gulag, into the spotlight! Get the fuck back here! I forbid you! My dreams are not forbidable! You lying little shit! I learned it from the best! You come back here! I'll put you and your smart mouth through that fucking wall! Do you know what your son did? Jesus, Frank.
He openly defied my authority and went to that show.
That's exactly what I said would happen if you pushed him too much.
Well, we're gonna go right down to that seedy concert hall and yank his ass right off that stage! Frank, I've had a horrible day.
They shot my proposal down, thank you for asking, and now I have to come home to my husband throwing meatballs at my oldest son in front of the entire fucking neighborhood! Frank Murphy, you go down there and you get your son.
Aw, you don't tell me what to do! I'll get him! There's my only living son.
You stay good, Bill.
I failed your brother, but you're turning out great.
Oh.
Be right back! Why do they all run from me? Bill, come back! What are you doing? I have to bury this fucking thing! I stole, Phillip! Jimmy's gonna kill me! I beat a cripple! And it made my pee-pee feel good! St.
Leonard, patron saint of criminals, horses and women in labor, please hear my prayer.
Save us from No, Dad, no! You thieving little shit! - Stealing hockey sticks now? - It wasn't me! I fashion my own sticks! Yeah, it's never you! It's never you! You told him your name! Maybe Catholic military school will finally straighten you out! No! No! No! No! No! No! Poor Jimmy.
Fuck Jimmy.
He's gone.
We're free! Yeah, you think you can escape me 'cause you're wearing a cape? Is that what you think? You don't know who you're dealing with! Move it! We are Merlin's Monocle! - Who? - Marlin died! Oh, Kevin.
- Hey, that's my kid up there.
- She's a real looker.
Thanks for getting us the gig, Bubbe Esther.
What? Okay, I guess that's it.
Thank you.
Oh, fuck me.
How much shit am I in? Well, I was planning on grounding you, but after seeing the end of your show, I think you might've been punished enough.
Nobody came to see us.
And I drew five thousand flyers! This isn't how I dreamed it would be.
That's why they're called dreams.
- Because they're not real.
Right? - Yeah.
You see now why I'm harping on you to study in school? - Why you got to be realistic? - I guess.
You're right.
So, you know, you did your best, you tried hard and you failed.
And there's no shame in striking out.
It's a good thing you learned that music won't get you anywhere now.
There's still time to turn your life around.
You'll hit the books, we'll get you a tutor.
We'll even get you those eyeglasses you keep saying you need.
- And you'll be on your way to - Oh, my God, you guys rocked! - Really? - Really? I'm so glad I came to visit my grandpa - because your show was bitchin'! - Thanks.
We were okay.
I screwed up the last ten minutes of my solo.
- Uh Dad, can you - Agh It's fine.
Go home after this.
- I got to go to work.
- Okay.
Hey, I don't know if you're interested, but I cut hair at my house.
Want to come over sometime for a haircut? That'd be cool.
Or whatever.
Thank you so much! - Come over Thursday after school.
- Okay.
- Who's that chick? - That was Haircut Girl.
- No way.
- She exists! And my cherry shall be busted! We have cherries? - We're famous! - We got our first groupie! This is just the beginning, guys! Nowhere but up from here! - Oh, yeah! - All right! Yeah! Another fucking night.
I like my life I've lived it all From spring to fall And now to winter I ran a normal race - Ah, shit! - # Stood for what I thought # And then I fought For love and treasure And though it's at an end It's at an end It was a pleasure But years ago When youth was young and mine My happy, carefree days They flowed like vintage wine My golden oyster It was all the world And me, I shucked it for its pearls