Flight of the Conchords s02e05 Episode Script

Just here is good, Murray.
- Yeah, just here.
We're a block away.
I'll take you right to the door.
Don't be silly.
- Just here! - I don't even want to go nightclubbing.
You've got to go nightclubbing, Bret.
Look at Jemaine.
He wants to nightclub.
Can we watch a video instead? Yeah, I want to go home and have a sleep.
- Just here is good.
- You're not getting out of it again.
- Keep going.
- Here we go.
I just want you to go inside.
Listen to the music they play.
It's called dancing music.
- Keep going.
Just keep going, Murray.
- Keep going.
- Keep driving.
- Look, there's David.
- Dave! - What? - Hold on, I'm coming back.
What's up? - Hey, man.
Hi, David.
Can you look after these two, please? - Sure thing, Murray.
- Make sure they have a cocktail each, okay? Here's $20.
I don't trust it with them.
Last time I gave them $20 they went away and spent it.
Bought a magazine and a giant beach ball.
- You can count on me, Murray.
- Make sure they don't run away, okay? - Right.
Out you get, guys.
- We might not get in, Murray.
- Not cool enough.
- You two? - Yes, we're not that cool.
- Yeah, everyone looks pretty cool.
- Hang on.
- They're cooler than us.
Excuse me, sir.
Hi.
I've got a couple of very cool looking guys in the back of my car.
I don't know whether you're keen to have them in your club.
He's not coming in.
Right, good.
Off you go.
I'll wait in the car here till you're finished nightclubbing, okay? Good luck, guys.
Hey, guys, too many dicks.
What? - Too many dicks.
- What's that, man? - How many? - Too many.
You guys are dorking up my vibe with all the dicks.
We need to spread the dicks out a little bit, create some lady space.
Come on, move apart, guys.
Spread 'em out.
This isn't the riverdance anymore.
Over there now.
There's too many dicks on the dance floor.
too many dicks on the dance floor - too many dicks on the dance floor - too many dicks - too many dicks on the dance floor - too many dicks - too many dicks on the dance floor - too many dicks going to the party, sipping on bacardi want to meet a hottie, but there's Adam, Steve and Marty there's Billy, todd and Tommy, they're on leave from the army the only boobs I see tonight will beade of origami tell the fellas, make it understood it ain't no good if there's too much wood make sure you know before you go, the bro-to-ho ratio five to one is a brodeo, tell Steve and Mark it's time to go wait outside all night to find - too many dicks on the dance floor - easy to fix - too many dicks on the dance floor - spread out the dicks too many dudes with too many dicks too close to my shit, too hard to meet chicks I need better odds, more broads, less rods I came to do battle, skedaddle with the cattle prods too many men, too many boys, too many misters, noenough sisters too much time on too many hands not enough ladies, too many men too many dicks, too many dongs too many schlongs as I sing this song.
hello.
Bret speaking.
Bret, it's Jemaine speaking.
Hey, man.
Where are you? Did you run away? No, I went home with a girl.
What? Bret, I think she might be Australian.
Are you sure she's Australian? Either she's Australian or she really likes Australia.
Oh, you've got to get out of there.
Just get out of there.
I'm I'm I'm locked in.
She's trapped me.
I'm not surprised.
Okay, um, keep calm.
Jump out the window.
Good idea.
Oh, it's too high.
Okay, well, do one of those dive rolls when you land.
Okay, I'll try.
G'day.
Oh, hey.
Jesus, got a tongue like a badger's asshole.
What you doing there, big j? Um, just talking to a friend of mine.
- Hey.
- Don't talk to her.
She's definitely Australian.
I'm not sure I got your name.
Keitha.
- Pardon? - Keitha.
Keitha? Yeah, it's like Keith but with an "a" at the end.
I was named after me dad.
She's got a man's name.
Keitha, that's a lovely name.
So how about we go back to bed? - Um - definitely don't do that.
No, I can't.
- Oh.
- Would you be able to unlock the door? Thanks for coming.
- How do you feel? - Fine.
Just ashamed.
How could you not know she was Australian? I don't know.
It was loud in the nightclub.
- Does she look australiany? - Not particularly, no.
I mean the face, I suppose, but not bodily, not at all.
Does she sound Australian? Australian accent? Yes.
Yes.
What did it sound like? Kind of like an evil version of our accent.
- Did she mock your accent? - Not that I remember.
She may have subtly mocked your accent and you didn't notice.
She may have subtly been mocking me.
Did you use protection? Yes, but only on my penis.
- What's that? - What? What? - What's that red Mark on your lip? - What? Where? That's all red.
- That's lipstick.
- It's crabs.
- It's not crabs.
- It's crabs.
It's lipstick.
Iook, that's not it's not crabs.
Got your wallet? She didn't steal your wallet? No, I've actually got my wallet.
She probably tried to steal your wallet.
Don't touch anything.
Well, good news.
Your biscuits arrived.
Eh? They've been approved from the wellington office.
- From the government? - Yup.
There we go.
Oh, great.
- Ginger nuts.
- Oh, nice.
I got a rejected form.
Oh, Jemaine, rejected.
Let's have a look.
"Did not fill out the form correctly.
Purpose for the biscuits" you put "NA.
" What is "NA"? Not applicable.
- There's no purpose for your biscuits? - No, I just wanted them.
Well, they're hardly gonna send you biscuits if there's no purpose.
Think about it.
Fill out your forms properly.
Well, I probably would have eaten them, I suppose.
What did you put on your form? I think I put I was gonna eat them.
There you go.
Okay, simple as that.
Tell you what, you could probably have Bret, could he have one of yours until I get this sorted? Would that be all right? That's the boy.
That's good.
Nice.
Right, let's move on.
Next, nightclubbing experiences.
Anything to report back? - Nothing? - Uh did you dance? I didn't want to go to the nightclub, Murray.
What's happened? - Nothing.
- Bret? Something happened to Jemaine? - Jemaine slept with an Australian.
- What?! - Bret.
- Jemaine slept with an Australian.
No, I heard you.
I said "what" as in I heard you but I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Is this true, Jemaine? - Shh.
- I know, shh.
- This is true.
- Yeah? Really? I accidently slept with an Australian.
How do you accidently sleep with one? What, did she get you naked and you tripped over and fell on her? - Is that what happened? - No, it wasn't exactly like that.
- Look, close the door, please, Bret.
- Close the door, Bret.
- I didn't - I don't want to hear it, okay? I'm talking to Bret now.
Jemaine, don't listen.
Turn away.
Bret, come in a bit.
Do you think he's listening? Let's test it.
Jemaine's a good-looking guy, isn't he? - There he goes.
- Yeah, he's listening.
Right, now this is serious.
Maybe we should banish him, you know, from the group.
Cast him off, you know? Never speak of him again, just for a couple of days.
- That seems a bit full-on.
- Does it? It does, doesn't it? Lock him up.
Just lock him up.
Don't listen.
- What did you hear? - Nothing.
Okay, let's get back into the group.
Okay, come back, Jemaine.
Thank you.
We can't come to a decision as to what to do.
Um now this girl, did she make fun of you? We think she might have slightly mocked his accent.
She may have mocked my accent subtly.
I bet she did.
They're tricky.
You know, guys, in the old days the sailors used to fall for them.
Yeah, they hadn't seen a woman for weeks and the australians would lure them to the bottom of the sea and they'd drown.
- Oh, that's mermaids.
- That's mermaids you're thinking of.
- Is it? - That's not australians.
Yeah, but the Australian ones were the worst.
That's what I'm trying to say.
If you're into those sorts of things, watch out for the Australian ones.
She didn't seem that bad, you know? - Eh? - Jemaine.
- Do you have feelings for this girl? - No.
Only negative ones.
Good.
Have you got your wallet? - Yes, I've got my wallet.
- Good.
- Oh, hi, big j.
- Hi, keitha.
Do you have my wallet? Yeah.
Yeah, I've got it right here.
- Thank you.
- So you gonna come in for a cuppa or what? Oh, come on, you big mung.
Milk? Um, yes please.
- Say when.
- When.
Thank you.
Mmm, delicious tea.
Thanks.
It's me mom's recipe.
Oh, is your mom Australian? Yeah yeah, she's a panel beater.
What about your dad? You said he's an Australian still? Yeah yeah, me dad's so Australian he's in prison.
Mmm, what about his father? Was he Australian? - My grandpa? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about your mom's mother? Was she an immigrant? Listen, big j, you couldn't get more Australian than me.
My great-great-grandpa was a renown rapist.
And they shipped him out to Australia and that's where he met my great-great-grandma.
She was a prostitute.
I mean, I said met, but he raped her.
Hmm.
Do you think there's any chance you were adopted? Look, big j.
You got two options.
Sit around here asking me stupid questions, get in that bedroom and root me again.
They're both good options.
do australians feel love? are they capable of love? do they even know what we're speaking of? Bret.
Bret.
Bret! Bret.
What? Can I ask you a hypothetical question? Can it wait till the morning? I suppose so.
Bret.
Bret.
Bret.
Bret.
- Bret.
- What's the question you want to ask me? What would you think if I did do out with that - Australian? - Eh? I'm just saying that if you were to go out with an Australian well, I would never go out with an Australian.
If you were to, I would be fine with it.
I mean, when I first met you, you tried to have me deported from new zealand 'cause you thought I was an Australian.
That was a misunderstanding.
You were wearing a vest top.
A my mom gave me that.
She thought it made me look like bruce willis.
Well, it didn't.
It made you look like an Australian.
You can't go out with that girl.
Hey, she'd never be my girlfriend.
Murray, Bret, this is my girlfriend keitha.
- What are you doing, Jemaine? - What is that you're wearing? - What are you wearing? - Where'd you get that? Hi, guys.
You can call me Keith, by the way.
- That's a man's name.
- It's a female name.
It's got an "a" on the end.
Got quite the accent, don't you, kevina? Yeah, I've got a real aussie accent.
Except it's not as strong as it used to be since I've lived here, 'cause every time I'm on the phone with my mom she says I sound like marilyn monroe.
- Did you catch that? - What are you deaf? Marilyn monroe.
- Oh, marilyn monroe.
- Yeah.
- What about her? - I talk like her now.
- She sounds like her.
- She does sound a bit like her.
Yeah, I suppose if you squint your ears.
Told ya.
Keitha, do you mind not listening for a moment, please? Jemaine, come in a bit.
What did you bring her here for? Don't talk about her.
She's right there.
- She's not listening, is she? - She's so close you know what? I'm gonna go to the dunny.
- Got to murder a Brown snake, you know - oh my God.
Muzza, Bret, sweetcocks.
Jemaine, you can't be serious about this.
- I am serious.
- Have you thought about your future? - No, it's not gonna work, man.
- What do you mean? And your children, what about them? What would become of them? They'll be aberrations, won't they? It's pronounced aborigines.
Well, think of them.
They'll be neither here nor there, forced to move from city to city looking for the perfect wave.
- What are you gonna tell your mom? - I won't tell my mom.
- What about Christmas, eh? - She can't come to Christmas.
She's gonna ridicule us at Christmas.
Maybe I will go to her house for Christmas.
- I don't have to do everything you say.
- Keep your voice down.
- Sorry.
- And sit up straight.
You're slouching terribly.
No, don't stand up, just sit up.
Let's go before we get ridiculed.
She's probably in the toilet thinking of something to bring me down with.
Come on.
See you later, big j.
Let's go, little b.
- Okay, little m.
- Medium m.
Jemaine, did you listen to the answer phone message? I think there may be an answer phone message for you on the answer phone.
Yes, Bret, I listened to the answer phone message.
Oh, good news? Bad news? Uh, it's you putting on a woman's voice pretending to be keitha breaking up with me.
- Don't think so.
- It's clearly you, Bret.
- I don't think so.
- It's obviously you putting on a woman's voice.
Listen.
- G'day, big j.
- That's the one.
It's keitha here.
I've got some bad news.
- It's keitha.
- I'm moving back to wollongong.
- She's not from wollongong.
- Shh.
- She's from wollamaloo.
- It was nice going out with you.
- Shh.
- But I'm never gonna see you again.
Bye.
- Oh no.
- And I'm married.
- Who's on the phone, love? - That's her husband.
Uh, nobody.
I've got to go.
Oh, that's terrible.
Jemaine, that's terrible.
That's just I'm going, Bret.
Jemaine, did I show you my gloves that look like my hands? Get off.
Get off.
Let go of my glove.
Ow, that's actually my hand.
- That's actually my hand.
- I'm going.
Yeah? - I need to see keitha.
- Who? Keitha.
Keitha.
Keitha.
Keith with an "a" at the end.
No, you can't see her.
W- well, I need to see her.
Well, you can't 'cause she's moved back to Australia.
- What's going on, kels? - What? Dr.
Spectacles here is looking for keitha.
Oh, she's gone, mate.
She said you were a prick and then she got on the bus back to Australia for good.
I don't believe you.
That's her sweatshirt.
She doesn't need a sweatshirt in Australia.
It's hot.
Well, I can see her, actually.
- , mate.
She's gone back to oz.
- No, mate.
She's there.
She's right there.
You don't need to really keep going, do you? No, mate, she's gone.
She's in Australia like we said.
- Hey.
- Hi, big j.
- Hi, keitha.
- Bye.
Bye.
Kelli bye, have fun.
Keitha, my friends think our love can never be.
Can never be what? Well, you know, can never be.
Oh, well, my mates think that too.
Because I'm a new zealander and you're an Australian and they don't think we can be together? No, mostly it's 'cause they think you're a dick.
You know, with the dickish glasses and that.
No, it's mainly because they think our races shouldn't mix.
No, mostly it's 'cause they think I've rooted better-looking fellas when I've been too drunk to speak.
Is that how you feel? I kinda like you.
I kinda like you too.
Loretta broke my heart in a letter she told me she was leaving and her life would be better Joan, broke it off over the phone after the tone she left me alone Jen said she'd never ever see me again when I saw her again she said it again jan met another man liza got amnesia, just forgot who I am felicity saw there was no electricity Emily, no chemistry fran ran, turned out to be a man flo had to go, I couldn't go with the flow carol Brown just took a bus out of town but I'm hoping that you'll stick around he doesn't cook or clean he's not good boyfriend material oo-whee and eats cereal you'll lose interest fast his relationships never last shut up, girlfriends from the past she says he'll do one thing and then he goes and does another thing oh, who organized all of my ex-girlfriends into a choir and got them to sing? who? Who? mmm, shut up shut up, girlfriends from the past may, may will no longer see m britney, britney hit me Paula, persephone, stella and stephanie there must be 50 ways that lovers have left me carol Brown just took a bus out of town love is a delicate thing it could just float away on the breeze he said the same thing to me how can we ever know we've found the right person in this world? he means he looks at other girls love is a mystery it does not follow a rule this guy is a fool he'll always be a boy he's a man who never grew up I thought I told you to shut up lola, you told me you were in a coma tiffany, you said that you had an epiphany mmm, would you like a little cereal? who organized this choir of ex-girlfriends? was it you, carol Brown? Was it you, carol Brown? carol Brown just took a bus out of town but I'm hoping that you'll stick around - stick around - do do do do do do - stick around - do do do do do do do do do do do do just stick around do do do do do do just stick around.
- hey, Dave.
- Oh, hey, guys.
- You seen Jemaine? - Wait a second.
Which one are you? - This is Bret.
- Bret.
- Okay.
- Yeah, not looking for me.
No, I haven't seen him.
Well, we're looking for him.
He's missing, all right, David? We're looking for him.
If you find him can you tell him that we're looking for him? - All right.
- Thank you.
Keep looking.
Yeah, if you see him or his girlfriend - or start looking.
let us know.
- I mean, keep looking.
- Got it.
- Thank you.
- Forget about it.
See you, Murray.
See you, Jemaine.
Oh, Bret, he said Jemaine.
They're gone.
- Thank you, Dave.
- Don't worry about it, guys.
I just think it's really cool that you love each other even though you're from austria and you're from someplace no one's even fucking heard of.
- Australia.
- New zealand.
Exactly, because it shouldn't matter where you're from when love's involved.
It's like that movie, "interracial hole stretchers 2.
" She was white and they were black, but it didn't matter in the end, did it? Because they were in love.
I haven't seen that one.
Well, it really affected me.
I better get packed up.
I'll see you at 4:00.
I love you, big j.
I love you too.
So you're just gonna elope? Just leave the city and leave the band? Yeah, I'm going to new Jersey.
Wow.
New Jersey, huh? I'd love to go there.
But I got a lot of shit going on in the states right now.
Bye, Dave.
Don't drink the water.
Excuse me.
Have you seen an Australian girl around here? We're eloping to new Jersey.
Sorry, pal.
Haven't seen her.
How much is it to new Jersey, by the way? I don't go to new Jersey.
I only ride around the park.
- That's weird.
- Yeah.
She said she'd done it before.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Take me to Chinatown and do not delay, sir.
Iook, just around the park.
Ah, yes, you said that.
Yes.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Jemaine.
Where've you been? Bret, have you seen keitha? She robbed us.
Her and her friends jumped me and taped me to the door.
Did she mention me at all? No, sorry, man.
I'm not sure about her and me.
Could you pass me my sandwich, please? Okay.
Here's your sandwich.
- Would you like a napkin? - No thanks.
- Can I get a hug? - Huh? Can I get a hug? Hug? - No.
No.
- A hug? Unfair.
I'm not participating in this hug.
Sorry, man.
It'll be okay.
going to the party, sipping on bacardi want to meet a hottie, but there's Adam, Steve and Marty there's Billy, todd and Tommy, they're on leave from the army the only boobs I see tonight will be made of origami tell the fellas, make it understood it ain't no good if there's too much wood make sure you know before you go, the bro-to-ho ratio five to one is a brodeo, tell Steve and Mark it's time to go wait outside all night to find 20 dudes in a conga line too many dicks on the dance floor too many dicks on the dance floor.