Franklin and Bash (2011) s02e05 Episode Script
L'Affaire Du Coeur
[ funky music plays .]
Peter: The amadeus, the t-square, The mary lou retton, the houdini, the -- Oh! Oh! Okay.
So, as you can see, Even if marvin and nancy wanted to join the the mile high club En route to vegas, it was impossible.
You see, ladies and gentlemen, Physics prevents sex in any position In a southcal airlines bathroom.
Simple misunderstanding.
Like the time you tried to argue That an energy drink caused insanity.
Boys, when are you going to learn That these charades only obfuscate your client's defense? Is that a rhetorical question? Is "obfuscate" a real word? [ rock music plays .]
Oh, come on, your honor.
You usually give us a warning first.
This seems a little excessive, don't you think? Okay.
Judge derek kohler? Yes.
You're under arrest For obstruction of justice by a judicial officer.
This is outrageous! There's been a mistake.
Will you Please come with me? Does this mean we get a do-over? Please.
The d.
A.
's office has accused me of having an affair With margaret pollock While presiding over a number of her cases.
[ chuckling .]
pollock? No way! Total ice queen.
You know what? Put us on the stand, we'll testify -- Remember when you tried to hit on pollock At the bar association party? Yeah.
Ugh! Margaret and I are in love.
He meant "ice queen" in a good way.
Two minutes.
Why is he -- why is he looking at us? Gentlemen I need franklin and bash.
[ rock music plays .]
d ooh, what a mixture d d such a vivid picture d d ooh, what a mixture d d if I must say so myself d Damien.
Hey.
Friends don't shake hands.
[ slaps back .]
Uh, yeah, okay.
[ chuckles .]
Last time I checked, we weren't friends.
Oh, after 20 years, You're still pissed about the theta spring formal? Uh, yeah, you mean the one where you broke my nose.
[ sighs .]
What can I do for you, lance? Okay, if you don't want a friend, how about a client? I'm listening -- barely.
About three months ago, I joined the gay softball association of california To meet guys.
My team won the championship, But now somebody at g-sac is accusing us Of heterosexual cheating.
Wait a second.
I'm gay, damien.
[ chuckles .]
no, you're not.
What? You -- what? You banged, like, every 8, 9, and 10 on campus.
I just don't want to live a lie anymore.
Um, okay.
And you need a lawyer to help you get your? G-sac.
Your g-sac trophy back.
Yeah, they don't believe I'm gay.
All right.
Well, uh, listen, good luck with that.
I-I can't help you.
Our firm doesn't take frivolous lawsuits.
Didn't I read you're considering running for judge? Yeah, something like that.
This could really put you on the map with the gay community.
And I could count on you for their support? Damien, you get me out of the closet, I will put them in the voting booths.
All right.
You tell your team, By the time I'm done, G-sac won't even be able to think straight.
[ sighs .]
You never answered why you want peter and me defending you.
You hate us.
I assumed that if anyone could relate to my predicament, It would be you, mr.
Bash.
Janie ross and I never violated any ethical boundaries.
Maybe blurred a few.
A couple.
And behind the sideshow that is franklin and bash, I think you two show great potential.
The way you fight for your clients Aww.
Here's the evidence against me.
There was an anonymous package Delivered to the d.
A.
's office claiming you and d.
A.
Pollock Have been dating since January 2009.
Someone's got their timeline wrong.
I presided over margaret's cases in 2009, But we didn't start dating until 2010.
And I proposed seven months later.
I have recused myself every time We've found ourselves paired together in court.
Judge kohler: It's me.
That's you.
Watching you in court today in that pantsuit [ sighs .]
hmm.
All I can say is Res ipsa loquitur.
You phone sex in latin? Really? That's freaky.
March 7, 2009, 4:00 a.
M.
We slam the door, and I lift you up onto your desk.
You bite my lip, draw blood.
That's hot.
And I smile, because you're not wearing any panties.
No, j-just hit the stop button.
Please, just turn it off.
That one's better.
I mean, it's incredibly damaging to our case, But you're getting there -- it's a strong effort.
Confidence.
Yeah.
Margaret, I'm so sorry that they heard that.
They have to know everything.
Gentlemen.
Hi.
Are you all right? I've had better days, sweetie.
Peter: D.
A.
Pollock, Do you admit receiving those messages? In 2010, not 2009.
Someone must have altered the time-stamp.
That's hard to do, your honor.
Yeah, that's like black-op, nba stuff.
He means nsa.
I am telling you, someone is trying to set me up.
If you guys weren't together in 2009, Why can't you just get your office to call off the dogs? Believe me, I tried.
No one will talk to me.
I'm suspended, pending the outcome of the investigation.
Our fate rests on your ability To convince a jury of my innocence.
There something's wrong with the anonymous information.
Pollock and kohler are too smart to be that stupid.
What if they are that stupid? Well, he's looking at 23 years -- One year for each case he tried with d.
A.
Pollock.
Opening up a future seat on his bench.
Hm.
Sounds like a win-win to me.
Right, uh, damien Where are you at with your Boyfriend from college? Lance is a boy, and he was a friend.
They're two separate nouns.
Oh, my god.
You americans are so uptight.
You know, I once experienced A most marvelous polysexual awakening In 1976 on old compton street.
It was Okay, the burbank bears were the worst team In the gay league before lance joined.
Now, when we were at s.
C.
, He set the season strikeout record twice.
So your boyfriend's a pitcher.
The league thinks that lance is a ringer, Which is why I'm pushing forward And suing for equitable relief.
Damien, I'd be delighted to partner you on this one.
Let's -- let's get your friend's championship back, hm? You can't hang our judge on anonymous info And a couple of voicemails.
He has a right to confront his accuser.
Thank you, professor bash.
I also went to law school.
Yeah? Then why aren't you also going after d.
A.
Pollock? That's an interesting defense, Trying to drag down your client's girlfriend In order to get him off.
Remind me never to be in a life raft with you.
It's selective prosecution.
Kohler is in a position of power.
It's like a civil sexual-harassment case.
Please, you mean you're going after my client To protect one of your own.
Who we charge is at our discretion.
There's something else you're not sharing.
You always tilt your head like a dog hears a funny noise When you've got a secret.
Oh, so now you're the mentalist? Chewed-up pens -- Total road flare for sexual frustration.
Oh, grow up, peter! Is that fiancé of yours On some sort of sexual fast again? You know nathan and I broke up.
He actually moved to an ashram in india.
Huh.
When was the last time you took some friendly fire In the sheets? That is none of your business! What about you? Too long.
[ exhales sharply .]
The night manager at the pasadena grand hotel Can place kohler and pollock together in February of 2009.
We're not talking about voicemails.
It's pretty hard to doctor a live person.
You do not want to take this to trial, peter.
Then how else would I get to see you? d oooh d d I can't let you go d d la la la la Alright.
That was practice.
Double swings.
Double swings.
Whoa.
Good hit.
Good hit.
Alright.
Get it.
Get it.
Get it.
You got to catch that! Come on! Your devil divas are very impressive.
I suppose it's coincidence that the captain Of the losing team offered his legal services Pro bono to the league.
I'm offended by your client's insensitivity.
See, my team also deserves that trophy.
Lance admitted he was homosexual In the league's self-declaration form.
I have reason to believe differently.
That's your word versus his.
And half my teammates Celebrating his victory at whiskers nightclub.
He had a few too many vodka red bulls And blurted out he had never dated or slept with a man.
That doesn't -- I mean, there's a lot of heterosexual virgins out there.
Part of the self-declaration form states That gay means participating in romantic or sexual behavior.
Well, come on, I mean, then the league standards -- Not only are they unfair, but they're unconstitutional.
While we're discussing what's fair, Are you also suing the straight league that kicked out lance? Yeah, banned for life -- For charging the mound after getting hit by a pitch.
Two days before joining the burbank bears.
You see, the only reason your client joined our league Was because his other league dumped him.
He doesn't love men, damien.
He loves competitive softball.
Let's go! Judge kohler: How can they say for certain it was me? Well, the night manager at the pasadena grand Says you ordered a 18-year-old macallan scotch From room service on February 19, 2009.
Myself and a hundred other judges and lawyers Who attended that bar association conference that evening.
But they didn't have a brunette with them Who ordered a sparkling grapefruit water at 1:22 a.
M.
You also ordered an in-room porno, "real steel," That's a family movie, pindy.
This one stars "huge" jackman.
Jared: Some coincidence -- Brunette, fancy water Questionable family movie.
Come on, the manager is lying.
You've got to know that.
Your honor, he directly links you To the dates and to pollock.
Janie is going to bury us alive with this.
Peter: We should just plead you out.
You've been a judge for 20 years with a spotless record -- No jail time.
You get suspended from the bench for three years.
So, the moment it gets tough, Franklin and bash want to pack it in.
What happened to the mavericks That I retained to kick over the scales of justice? Stop selling me the case.
Start lawyering the law.
Judge, you tried six cases in '09 with d.
A.
Pollock.
That's six possible suspects Who could have their rulings overturned if you're convicted.
They'll go free.
Pindar: Three of them aren't serving any time -- Vandalism, shoplifting, d.
U.
I.
The others -- Peter and I already investigated tori richards, Who you hit with four years for robbery.
She's dead.
Probably not a threat.
Our fifth suspect, leroy bryant, Made parole last year After doing two years for dealing meth.
We haven't been able to track him down.
I have zero tolerance for punks like leroy.
If he wants me, he'll have to stand in line.
Well, he'll probably be behind julian aroyan.
Carmen: You sent him away for five years For embezzling from his nightclub.
Aroyan: I'm gonna get you, kohler! This isn't over! I am gonna hunt you down! You better hide! You better hide! Yeah, I got to think You're not on his christmas-card list.
Oh.
The league wants conclusive evidence Of lance's homosexuality.
[ sighing .]
oh.
You know, it's a shame our lads at g-sac Don't feel gay above the waist is gay enough to play ball.
I mean, I still remember the day When popping the collar on your polo Was enough to get you backstage at "a chorus line.
" How do we figure out what makes lance gay? You guys are overthinking this.
It's obvious why lance is gay.
Well, we're not all blessed With your military-grade gaydar, hanna.
Please, enlighten us.
He got a perfect score on my "cooper test.
" Lance drives a mini-cooper, Wants bradley cooper's blue eyes, And watches anderson cooper on mute -- 100% gay.
That's bananas.
Just because a guy enjoys watching a little olympic diving Doesn't determine anything about his sexuality.
You know, I think hanna's onto something with her cooper test.
The league have got their criteria, So, why don't we bring 'em ours? Yeah.
[ chuckles .]
It's like I'm caught in crazy town.
Aroyan's got serious anger-management issues.
Did you see that vein Throbbing in his forehead on the video? Right out of "scanners.
" I thought it was gonna explode.
You know it was based on a true story? No way.
"scanners.
" true story.
"ou est la salle de bain?" "where is the bathroom?" "tu es ma joie de vivre.
" "you are the joy of my life.
" Bon jour.
Mon nom est peter Et c'est jararrd.
What? We both had mademoiselle stein.
I told the warden I'd be happy to answer any of your questions.
I just can't be late for my afternoon tai chi class.
Well, we will be muy rápido.
That's spanish, dick wad.
Yeah, I had senor flackenberry.
Suck it.
Julian, we have it under good authority That you're trying to frame judge kohler To get your case overturned.
Kohler? Refresh my memory.
Do you remember your sentencing, When you said, and I quote -- "I'm going to shove that gavel up your butt So you can't talk out your ass again"? Well, I was in a dark place back then spiritually.
I've since learned to channel my anger Into the classics and meditation, romance lan-- You mean you turned into a pussy? Only a coward would send an anonymous letter To do his dirty work.
This is beneath me.
It's not my style.
What is your connection to a night manager At the pasadena grand named paul ostrowski? It's not ringing any bells, And if you would, I'd like to go attend my meditation class.
Buddha can wait.
According to prison phone logs, You made numerous calls in April of 2009 To a disposable cell purchased with cash in pasadena.
That ring any bells, maybe a nicki minaj ring tone? This conversation is over.
Get out of my way.
You know, it's funny.
Whenever we call that phone, it just rings.
Maybe the night manager doesn't recognize our number.
Because he's really talkative if you call him on his office line.
Tell you what -- let me get him on the phone right now, We'll straighten this whole thing out with you right here.
Whoa! I'm gonna rip your throat out! You got it all wrong, fellas! I just want to serve my time! It's the guys about to go away! They're the ones who'll say anything to stay out! Not me! Whew.
It's okay to admit that he scared you.
I'm not scared.
You're holding my arm.
No, I'm not.
Mr.
Thorpe, as chairman Of the gay softball association of california, You established the criteria for newly joining members.
I make certain each member Fulfills the guidelines of our charter.
And according to your criteria, You don't think that lance here is gay enough? I don't think lance is gay at all.
Why? Because he doesn't act like you? Because he hasn't had a physical or romantic affair With a member of the same sex.
Gay isn't a phase in our league, mr.
Infeld.
Are you confident about your own sexuality? I came out in high school.
I've had multiple relationships.
I am a gay man.
Using your criteria, I suppose.
[ chuckles .]
Nobody could dispute my pride.
Ah! Now, I'm really happy to hear you say that, Because I have my own test for gayness.
Carlton: Objection, your honor.
Mr.
Infeld doesn't have expert knowledge.
Your honor, this witness has already testified That nobody will doubt his pride.
Certainly if he's as gay as he says he is, Then he'll pass any test with flying colors.
Overruled.
I'll allow it.
Thank you.
So, mr.
Thorpe [ clears throat .]
Would you please illuminate for the court Who won "dancing with the stars," season two? I don't watch "dancing with the stars.
" [ spectators murmur .]
what?! Oh, my.
Oh, well, you should.
It's a wonderful show.
By the way, drew lachey.
He took the tiara home that year.
[ chuckles .]
Um [clears throat.]
moving on.
As a gay man, you obviously know Kathy griffin's current hair color.
Red.
Ohh.
Oh, dear.
[ chuckling .]
no, red is her natural hair color.
Copper -- that's the new red.
Mm-hmm.
What's gayer -- pilates or yoga? Carlton: Objection! This ridiculous test of mr.
Infeld's Doesn't prove anything about sexuality.
It's arbitrary and demeaning.
Precisely.
My criteria is no less absurd than mr.
Thorpe's.
The only difference is, your honor, His criteria unfairly stripped lance And the burbank bears of their title.
Well, thank you.
No further questions.
Mm.
Pilates is gayer.
[ dance music plays .]
Inviting every heterosexual from your office Won't protect you from turning gay, damien.
Karp: Oh, please.
I am more than comfortable with my sexuality.
Besides, my bed count in college speaks for itself.
Numbers that can't be verified.
Man, everything is a competition with you.
I'm trying to tell you I lied about my stats.
No way! Every theta pledge did the walk of shame Out of your room junior year.
I saw them come out in pairs.
Oh, I'm a fabulous listener.
They'd talk about their eating disorders, Cheating boyfriends, waxing.
What about leslie friedman? Virgin.
Probably still is.
What? Or chloe summers and greta turnberry.
Lesbian.
Pregnant, econ professor.
Amanda morris? It was 20 years ago.
Did you or didn't you have sex with amanda morris? Amanda isn't the only person that lance has forgotten about.
Did he tell you About his ex-wife? What? Tanya and I got married on a cruise to barbados.
It lasted three years.
And tanya is testifying against us in the morning.
Hey.
Could you give us a moment? Look at me.
Stanton gave us matching suits for making equity partners.
We wanted breakaway tuxedos, But they're not professional -- here.
[ chuckles .]
Listen, peter, I was thinking about the conversation We were having the other day.
Which conversation is that? Oh.
Yeah.
It might've crossed my mind a couple hundred times.
I mean, it seems crazy for two people With so much chemistry to deny something so natural.
You're reading my mind.
Two people working together In the trenches.
Who would blame them? A jury.
This is about kohler and pollock?! Judgment can be compromised when desire interferes.
[ sighs .]
that was cruel.
But effective.
We're willing to reduce the charge To one count of misdemeanor conduct And he steps down from the bench for good.
He'll never go for it.
And d.
A.
Pollock isn't exactly -- She's a victim.
She heads up our conviction integrity program.
She started the prisoner rehabilitation program.
She runs the unsolved crimes division.
She's a saint.
She helps inmates Graduate high school.
Assface! Hey! [ gasps .]
grandma janie! Assface.
Hi.
Sorry.
You have to go.
We have high-level legal defense stuff.
Yeah, we're gonna talk about you.
Get out of here.
I'm gone.
Get your boyfriend to take the deal.
Did you show her our suits? Yeah.
We got suits! Hey, we got to get carmen on d.
A.
Pollock.
She's either being blackmailed, She's being unfaithful, Or she's telling the truth.
Huh? Huh? What? We shopped together, danced.
He was fun.
And if he was so wonderful, Why aren't you still together? I opened a hair salon.
Lance started a fitness club.
The stress put too much pressure on our relationship.
It tore us apart.
Like so many other straight marriages? Mm-hmm.
No further questions.
Could you read aloud the charge Highlighted on the credit-card statement You shared with your ex-husband? $14.
95, monthly service installment for Guycatch.
Com.
A gay dating website for men.
A charge which appears every month for six months Before your divorce.
Lance joined the site to help a gay friend At the salon start dating.
Yeah, right.
And I go to strip clubs 'cause I love buffalo wings.
Carlton: Objection.
Mr.
Karp's perverse diet Has no relevance in these proceedings.
Ms.
Renner, you didn't step forward to testify against lance Because you think he's lying.
You did it because you're angry.
You're angry that your dancing and shopping partner Could never be in love with a woman.
You feel used, don't you? Lied to? And who could blame you? No further questions.
Redirect, your honor.
About how many times per week Did you and lance engage in sexual relations? Objection.
Relevance.
Well, mr.
Karp made it relevant By suggesting this was a sham marriage.
Objection overruled.
The witness can answer.
Three to four.
And did lance ever experience any -- Forgive me -- stage fright? Quite the opposite.
Oh.
Three-year marriage, active sex life.
Well, if lance isn't straight, Then he deserves an academy award.
Thank you.
I've been a trial judge for 19 years, Presiding over And of those 1,400-plus cases, how many were appealed? Roughly half.
Comes with the job.
How many were overturned? Two.
Two out of 700 cases, Meaning your interpretation of the law Is nearly incontrovertible.
As judges, we must put prejudice aside And see cases through the blindfolded eyes Of lady justice.
Lady justice.
I like that.
Now, we've demonstrated that you're a man of honesty, A man of integrity.
Would you tell the jury When you began your relationship with d.
A.
Pollock? In February of 2010.
I immediately recused myself from all her future cases.
February 2010, More than a year after the claim in the anonymous letter.
No more questions.
Respectfully, judge kohler, What signified February of 2010 As the start of your relationship? A sexual encounter late one evening in my chambers.
Crossing the line from colleague To something more takes courage.
I-I-if you're not both on the same page When that spark strikes, Things could get real awkward.
Objection.
Counsel's testifying.
Ms.
Ross is trying to work out certain issues in her own life.
Your point, ms.
Ross? The emotional buildup to a relationship Is just as significant As the consummation of the relationship itself, your honor.
Carry on.
So, is the jury to believe That you didn't experience any feelings toward d.
A.
Pollock Prior to that intimate encounter in your chambers? I am a professional, ms.
Ross.
Uh, let me rephrase the question.
Was it professional to send ms.
Pollock an e-mail In March of 2009 with a winky face emoticon? I am known for my emoticons, Especially the abe lincoln face.
I've sent them to all the d.
A.
S in your office, Defense attorneys, my support staff -- Can you answer the question? Keeping in mind you're under oath.
I may have been attracted to margaret.
I swear, it had no impact on my rulings.
Are you absolutely sure? Couldn't your attraction have colored thingsJust a little? I don't know.
Thank you for your honesty.
No further questions.
Jared: [ laughs .]
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Carmen.
Hey.
So, I ran into an old friend While researching pollock's prisoner rehabilitation program.
Guys, this is ricky.
Ricky.
Hey, ricky.
Get the guys up to speed With what you told me.
From January 2009 to April 2009, Larry dobeck did a stretch for identity theft.
He's the cousin of the night manager At the pasadena grand, Where pollock and kohler were I.
D.
'd.
Served his time in the same cell block as julian aroyan.
Which is probably where pollock enters our story, Except I can't find aroyan In any of the classes pollock taught.
But here's the thing -- Pollock tutors him privately in french.
Privately, as in alone? As in very committed to his studies? Fluent in the romantic languages? Carmen: Okay, enough.
Is he boning her or what? [ sighs .]
Look, you didn't hear this from me, all right? But she got a class at 2:00 p.
M.
Ask her yourself.
Thanks, ricky.
You got it.
I am done getting sucker-punched by you.
What's really going on? Oh, you figured me out, damien.
I'm faking gay for an aluminum trophy.
Well, you know, from where I'm standing, I see the exact same guy who threw spitters in college To get his strikeout records.
Yeah, so what? I like to win.
Yeah, well, that's the exact same attitude That landed me in the hospital with a broken nose AndGot you amanda morris.
Oh, come on! I didn't mean to mess us up.
We were like brothers.
Well, now I'm your lawyer.
And unless we can find someone to corroborate your sexuality, Preferably not some hot bikini model We're screwed.
I don't have to listen to this.
I'll tell ya.
One time, I tried telling somebody who was close to me, But I lacked the courage 'cause I thought it would change everything.
Awesome.
We'll go with that.
So much confidence now.
Oh, great timing.
I-I think we're gonna use your cooper test results To sway the judge.
"love is blind.
Friendship closes its eyes.
" Really? I can usually count on stanton For the useless nietzsche quotes.
What am I gonna do about lance? Do you remember when you took me to catalina For valentine's day? You left early because I spent the entire vacation Playing golf with tom wuhler from the new york office.
I left early because you filled our hotel room with orchids And I broke out in hives.
What? How was I supposed to know? You used to leave orchids on my desk Every time you thought about me.
And every time, I told you they were sweet, But I'm not really a flower girl.
Mm.
All women love flowers.
I-I just figured that you wanted me to work harder.
Sometimes you listen to the words, damien, But you don't hear them.
Your problem isn't about lance.
It's about you.
Wow.
You think you could break out of this prison? Unmarked bulletproof helicopter lands in the yard.
Cayenne pepper to throw off the dogs.
Gone in 60 seconds! You have thought this through.
But where are you getting an unmarked bulletproof helicopter? That's where you come in.
Here we go.
Peter, jared.
Is everything okay with derek? [ sighs .]
Sorry, I bet him five bucks that you'd confess To your affair with aroyan the second you saw us.
That's ridiculous.
That's what I said! A woman who could crush her fiancé's heart With her bare hands isn't capable of remorse.
That's what he said.
Just because I work independently with a prisoner Doesn't mean I'm romantically involved with him.
Oh! Please stop doing that.
We can't let you send kohler to prison Just so you can continue your french-fests.
I moved in with derek.
I became a dog person for him.
We're engaged.
That's probably gonna change when you're locked up in chino For conspiracy and criminal fraud.
I'd imagine it's not co-ed, So you're gonna have to bid adieu to your french lessons.
Derek's gonna be upset when he hears about this.
You used to live in pasadena Before you moved in with kohler, right? [ cellphone rings .]
Jared: That's the same city where aroyan Bought the disposable cellphone he's been calling.
- How you think Nickol will take the news about pollock? - You've ever seen your father crying? Oh, man.
I feel sorry for the grumpy dude.
Up until now, I didn't know his heart was capable of a beat.
Same old story.
Innocent hot girl falls for dangerous bad boy.
This is so "dirty dancing.
" Aah! Yeah, except swayze was just misunderstood.
[ groans .]
[ laughs .]
[ door closes .]
there he is! There! ThereHe is! [ sighs .]
Come on in! Judge kohler: What is it that couldn't wait? I have to meet margaret for our marriage blood test.
Okay, um Jared has some information that he has to share with you.
Me? J's before "p.
" All right.
Uh, your honor, Are you aware that your fiancée had personal Encounters with prisoners? Her rehabilitation program has an 80% graduation rate, So I assumed that she's had favorites.
She does.
She does.
Yeah.
Julian aroyan is one of them.
For the last three years, Your fiancée privately tutored him in french.
She was also teaching me french.
A prison guard confirmed it, But he won't testify.
So your theory is based on an unverifiable witness.
Well, we kind of hoped maybe you had access to her computer Or had come across any suspicious documents.
She covered her tracks.
I am telling you that you are wrong.
She gave up her home.
She gave away her cat.
She became a dog person.
Sh-- we've merged our finances.
She's planning a life with me.
Or she's planning her escape And doesn't want any attachments.
You're wrong! And you're lazy! And if you can't find the person that's setting me up, Then I will have to find someone that will.
Maybe you should have gone first.
No, you did -- you didGood.
I don't think so.
No.
You really don't have a life, do you? What can I do for you, peter? Pollock rigged the case.
You have to dismiss.
Do I? This is about a woman's control, Not a judge's dereliction of duty.
A woman's control? No, this is about how kohler lured her in With his power and his charm and his eyes.
She lured him in with her siren song.
You've read "the odyssey"? Cliffs notes.
Even with his boat shattered in pieces, He still clings to the rocks, WaitingHoping For one last glimpse Of her beauty.
d won't you move a little closer d d always dreamed I'd be d d here with you, my love d d oooohhhhh d d oooohhhhh d Mr.
Dillon You know, you're not the first man to marry a woman To hide his homosexuality.
You know, but what really baffles me is Why did you stay in the closet for so long? I, um Couldn't handle the consequences of coming out.
Oh.
The consequences.
So, what happened when you first tried to come out? I, uh Well, actually, um Uh, there Now, take your time.
Your honor, with the court's permission, I'll continue the line of questioning.
[ clears throat .]
[ breathes deeply .]
Isn't it true that you once got into a fight With your best friend over a girl? Amanda morris.
Right, and you boiled over with so much rage That, in a fit of passion, you punched him.
Yeah, as hard as I could.
Right.
But the rage wasn't over amanda morris, was it? Was it? Actually, it involved someone Who wouldn't have understood the truth.
Who was that person? I don't want to do this right now.
I get it, but, unfortunately, you're under oath.
Answer the question.
You.
[ voice breaking .]
I punched you Because I wasAngry That I'd never have you.
[ breathing deeply .]
Thank you, lance.
Thank you.
We subpoena aroyan and the night manager.
They'll just lie.
We can We -- Okay, could you stop with the guitar? You're killing me.
You slept with janie.
What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.
That is the same cheesy song you wrote The first time you guys slept together! It's not cheesy.
That is a cheesy song! It's "rainy day janie"! That is warped.
What?! "rainy day janie.
" "rainy day janie.
" how dare you? How dare you? That is a gutsy move, Considering we are representing a judge Who's accused of the same crime? It's different.
How? It's way, way different! How?! It's not different.
Ew.
You -- All rise.
I just picked up my blood-test results From my doctor, and he gave me margaret's work-up.
She's running away with aroyan, As soon as she gets me convicted.
Which will give him the key to his prison cell.
Man, according to this, She's had her exit plan from the start.
This isn't enough to prove she set him up.
We got to find something To directly link her plan to aroyan.
I've seen franklin and bash do a lot more with a lot less.
The defense calls margaret pollock to the stand.
Objection! This witness is not on my list.
Jared: Clearly, ms.
Ross woke up On the side of the wrong bed this morning.
We've brought in julian aroyan Strictly for identification purposes.
Overruled.
Overruled.
[ mutters .]
Miss pollock, do you recognize the man Sitting in the front row between the two officers? Mr.
Aroyan is a student of mine At the california correctional institute.
Are you in love with him? Absolutely not.
Judge sheffield: Return to port, mr.
Franklin.
Your fishing expedition is over.
[ chuckles .]
I apologize for my colleague.
Of course you're not in love with someone like that.
You're engaged to judge kohler.
This woman She got a marriage blood test, Something the state of california doesn't even require.
Why? They're needed in France.
We're planning a ceremony in brantA´me.
It's the venice of périgord.
That's beautiful.
But you also got vaccinations for typhoid, Malaria, and diphtheria at the same doctor's visit.
IWanted to be caught up in case we traveled.
Well, I wasn't aware of a malaria epidemic in France.
Objection! Argumentative.
Judge sheffield: Sustained.
Miss pollock, were you aware That vaccinations for schistosomiasis And mediterranean spotted fever Are only required for remote regions of morocco? I'm not a physician.
Janie: Relevance, your honor.
Mr.
Bash, your clock is ticking.
What if I told you that the contents of this envelope Contained two plane tickets to rabat, morocco? [ scoffs .]
I would say it's a patented franklin-and-bash bluff.
Could you please read the contents aloud for the jury? [ paper rustling .]
Two tickets to rabat, morocco.
Who are they for? Me and Derek kohler.
You bitch! You set me up! You're going with him?! Babe, I'm not going with h-- You're a liar! [ sighs .]
Judge sheffield: Bailiffs, remove him! [ sighs .]
I -- I mean These tickets are fake.
Miss pollock, you sent the anonymous package Implicating judge kohler to your own office, didn't you? Prove that.
Janie: A-at this time, The prosecution moves to dismiss, your honor.
And we would also move to add the charge of perjury Against margaret pollock.
Judge sheffield: Bailiffs, Take miss pollock into custody, forthwith.
Really? Uh-huh.
All right.
[ sighs .]
Janie, d.
A.
Pollock's a bad person.
She used judge kohler's vulnerability To manipulate everyone around her.
Is that what we're doing to each other? We're just having fun.
Our sex-tivities were never this adventurous when we dated.
Sex-tivities.
At least we don't have the pressure Of a relationship hanging over us.
Nope, just the fantasy.
And if we got caught Judge kohler: Caught doing what? Yeah, what? Uh, caught with our pants down over d.
A.
Pollock.
A fair judgment means you check your emotions at the door.
Bryce: On behalf of the gay softball association of california, Join me in congratulating the burbank bears As our new champions! [ dance music plays, cork pops .]
[ cheers and applause .]
awesome.
Hey! Hey.
[ chuckling .]
oh, right.
Well, looks like this rainbow Had a pot of gold at the end of it after all.
Listen, damien, I never said so.
I want you to know I'm sorry I decked you back then.
I wish I just, somehow, I could have spared you, I don't know, some of those years of self-doubt -- Without the sex, obviously.
It was a crush, all right? You're not even my type these days.
What's your type? Men who are in shape.
I'm in shape! Are you kidding me? I haven't had a carb in like nine years.
Look, I would never jeopardize our friendship By hitting on you.
Well, that's great, but, I mean, seriously.
What area do you think needs the most work? It's hard to get this flat, Because I have large internal organs.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, all right! [ music continues, indistinct shouting .]
You hear about this guy knuckleface? You got to admit, that is one badass mob name.
That's what I've been sayin' forever.
I mean, we should have mob names.
I'll go by "jelly roll.
" I'm not calling you jelly roll.
That's stupid.
You got a beef with jelly roll, juice box? Juice box? I'm juice box? Uh-huh.
Scary guy fortified with vitamin c? Nobody knows what it really means.
Bailiff: All rise.
Hey -- whoa.
Your honor, you can't preside over this case, given our history.
You're supposed to recuse yourself.
Gentlemen, that is my choice, not the law.
Unless, of course, You filed a 997 affidavit to have me removed.
And had you pursued that route, I would have issued a writ of prohibition to stop it.
That's not cool.
This sucks! Don't tempt me, fellas.
We have histor-- ahh, come on.
Ahhh! Ahh.
I think you should stop.
Really?
Peter: The amadeus, the t-square, The mary lou retton, the houdini, the -- Oh! Oh! Okay.
So, as you can see, Even if marvin and nancy wanted to join the the mile high club En route to vegas, it was impossible.
You see, ladies and gentlemen, Physics prevents sex in any position In a southcal airlines bathroom.
Simple misunderstanding.
Like the time you tried to argue That an energy drink caused insanity.
Boys, when are you going to learn That these charades only obfuscate your client's defense? Is that a rhetorical question? Is "obfuscate" a real word? [ rock music plays .]
Oh, come on, your honor.
You usually give us a warning first.
This seems a little excessive, don't you think? Okay.
Judge derek kohler? Yes.
You're under arrest For obstruction of justice by a judicial officer.
This is outrageous! There's been a mistake.
Will you Please come with me? Does this mean we get a do-over? Please.
The d.
A.
's office has accused me of having an affair With margaret pollock While presiding over a number of her cases.
[ chuckling .]
pollock? No way! Total ice queen.
You know what? Put us on the stand, we'll testify -- Remember when you tried to hit on pollock At the bar association party? Yeah.
Ugh! Margaret and I are in love.
He meant "ice queen" in a good way.
Two minutes.
Why is he -- why is he looking at us? Gentlemen I need franklin and bash.
[ rock music plays .]
d ooh, what a mixture d d such a vivid picture d d ooh, what a mixture d d if I must say so myself d Damien.
Hey.
Friends don't shake hands.
[ slaps back .]
Uh, yeah, okay.
[ chuckles .]
Last time I checked, we weren't friends.
Oh, after 20 years, You're still pissed about the theta spring formal? Uh, yeah, you mean the one where you broke my nose.
[ sighs .]
What can I do for you, lance? Okay, if you don't want a friend, how about a client? I'm listening -- barely.
About three months ago, I joined the gay softball association of california To meet guys.
My team won the championship, But now somebody at g-sac is accusing us Of heterosexual cheating.
Wait a second.
I'm gay, damien.
[ chuckles .]
no, you're not.
What? You -- what? You banged, like, every 8, 9, and 10 on campus.
I just don't want to live a lie anymore.
Um, okay.
And you need a lawyer to help you get your? G-sac.
Your g-sac trophy back.
Yeah, they don't believe I'm gay.
All right.
Well, uh, listen, good luck with that.
I-I can't help you.
Our firm doesn't take frivolous lawsuits.
Didn't I read you're considering running for judge? Yeah, something like that.
This could really put you on the map with the gay community.
And I could count on you for their support? Damien, you get me out of the closet, I will put them in the voting booths.
All right.
You tell your team, By the time I'm done, G-sac won't even be able to think straight.
[ sighs .]
You never answered why you want peter and me defending you.
You hate us.
I assumed that if anyone could relate to my predicament, It would be you, mr.
Bash.
Janie ross and I never violated any ethical boundaries.
Maybe blurred a few.
A couple.
And behind the sideshow that is franklin and bash, I think you two show great potential.
The way you fight for your clients Aww.
Here's the evidence against me.
There was an anonymous package Delivered to the d.
A.
's office claiming you and d.
A.
Pollock Have been dating since January 2009.
Someone's got their timeline wrong.
I presided over margaret's cases in 2009, But we didn't start dating until 2010.
And I proposed seven months later.
I have recused myself every time We've found ourselves paired together in court.
Judge kohler: It's me.
That's you.
Watching you in court today in that pantsuit [ sighs .]
hmm.
All I can say is Res ipsa loquitur.
You phone sex in latin? Really? That's freaky.
March 7, 2009, 4:00 a.
M.
We slam the door, and I lift you up onto your desk.
You bite my lip, draw blood.
That's hot.
And I smile, because you're not wearing any panties.
No, j-just hit the stop button.
Please, just turn it off.
That one's better.
I mean, it's incredibly damaging to our case, But you're getting there -- it's a strong effort.
Confidence.
Yeah.
Margaret, I'm so sorry that they heard that.
They have to know everything.
Gentlemen.
Hi.
Are you all right? I've had better days, sweetie.
Peter: D.
A.
Pollock, Do you admit receiving those messages? In 2010, not 2009.
Someone must have altered the time-stamp.
That's hard to do, your honor.
Yeah, that's like black-op, nba stuff.
He means nsa.
I am telling you, someone is trying to set me up.
If you guys weren't together in 2009, Why can't you just get your office to call off the dogs? Believe me, I tried.
No one will talk to me.
I'm suspended, pending the outcome of the investigation.
Our fate rests on your ability To convince a jury of my innocence.
There something's wrong with the anonymous information.
Pollock and kohler are too smart to be that stupid.
What if they are that stupid? Well, he's looking at 23 years -- One year for each case he tried with d.
A.
Pollock.
Opening up a future seat on his bench.
Hm.
Sounds like a win-win to me.
Right, uh, damien Where are you at with your Boyfriend from college? Lance is a boy, and he was a friend.
They're two separate nouns.
Oh, my god.
You americans are so uptight.
You know, I once experienced A most marvelous polysexual awakening In 1976 on old compton street.
It was Okay, the burbank bears were the worst team In the gay league before lance joined.
Now, when we were at s.
C.
, He set the season strikeout record twice.
So your boyfriend's a pitcher.
The league thinks that lance is a ringer, Which is why I'm pushing forward And suing for equitable relief.
Damien, I'd be delighted to partner you on this one.
Let's -- let's get your friend's championship back, hm? You can't hang our judge on anonymous info And a couple of voicemails.
He has a right to confront his accuser.
Thank you, professor bash.
I also went to law school.
Yeah? Then why aren't you also going after d.
A.
Pollock? That's an interesting defense, Trying to drag down your client's girlfriend In order to get him off.
Remind me never to be in a life raft with you.
It's selective prosecution.
Kohler is in a position of power.
It's like a civil sexual-harassment case.
Please, you mean you're going after my client To protect one of your own.
Who we charge is at our discretion.
There's something else you're not sharing.
You always tilt your head like a dog hears a funny noise When you've got a secret.
Oh, so now you're the mentalist? Chewed-up pens -- Total road flare for sexual frustration.
Oh, grow up, peter! Is that fiancé of yours On some sort of sexual fast again? You know nathan and I broke up.
He actually moved to an ashram in india.
Huh.
When was the last time you took some friendly fire In the sheets? That is none of your business! What about you? Too long.
[ exhales sharply .]
The night manager at the pasadena grand hotel Can place kohler and pollock together in February of 2009.
We're not talking about voicemails.
It's pretty hard to doctor a live person.
You do not want to take this to trial, peter.
Then how else would I get to see you? d oooh d d I can't let you go d d la la la la Alright.
That was practice.
Double swings.
Double swings.
Whoa.
Good hit.
Good hit.
Alright.
Get it.
Get it.
Get it.
You got to catch that! Come on! Your devil divas are very impressive.
I suppose it's coincidence that the captain Of the losing team offered his legal services Pro bono to the league.
I'm offended by your client's insensitivity.
See, my team also deserves that trophy.
Lance admitted he was homosexual In the league's self-declaration form.
I have reason to believe differently.
That's your word versus his.
And half my teammates Celebrating his victory at whiskers nightclub.
He had a few too many vodka red bulls And blurted out he had never dated or slept with a man.
That doesn't -- I mean, there's a lot of heterosexual virgins out there.
Part of the self-declaration form states That gay means participating in romantic or sexual behavior.
Well, come on, I mean, then the league standards -- Not only are they unfair, but they're unconstitutional.
While we're discussing what's fair, Are you also suing the straight league that kicked out lance? Yeah, banned for life -- For charging the mound after getting hit by a pitch.
Two days before joining the burbank bears.
You see, the only reason your client joined our league Was because his other league dumped him.
He doesn't love men, damien.
He loves competitive softball.
Let's go! Judge kohler: How can they say for certain it was me? Well, the night manager at the pasadena grand Says you ordered a 18-year-old macallan scotch From room service on February 19, 2009.
Myself and a hundred other judges and lawyers Who attended that bar association conference that evening.
But they didn't have a brunette with them Who ordered a sparkling grapefruit water at 1:22 a.
M.
You also ordered an in-room porno, "real steel," That's a family movie, pindy.
This one stars "huge" jackman.
Jared: Some coincidence -- Brunette, fancy water Questionable family movie.
Come on, the manager is lying.
You've got to know that.
Your honor, he directly links you To the dates and to pollock.
Janie is going to bury us alive with this.
Peter: We should just plead you out.
You've been a judge for 20 years with a spotless record -- No jail time.
You get suspended from the bench for three years.
So, the moment it gets tough, Franklin and bash want to pack it in.
What happened to the mavericks That I retained to kick over the scales of justice? Stop selling me the case.
Start lawyering the law.
Judge, you tried six cases in '09 with d.
A.
Pollock.
That's six possible suspects Who could have their rulings overturned if you're convicted.
They'll go free.
Pindar: Three of them aren't serving any time -- Vandalism, shoplifting, d.
U.
I.
The others -- Peter and I already investigated tori richards, Who you hit with four years for robbery.
She's dead.
Probably not a threat.
Our fifth suspect, leroy bryant, Made parole last year After doing two years for dealing meth.
We haven't been able to track him down.
I have zero tolerance for punks like leroy.
If he wants me, he'll have to stand in line.
Well, he'll probably be behind julian aroyan.
Carmen: You sent him away for five years For embezzling from his nightclub.
Aroyan: I'm gonna get you, kohler! This isn't over! I am gonna hunt you down! You better hide! You better hide! Yeah, I got to think You're not on his christmas-card list.
Oh.
The league wants conclusive evidence Of lance's homosexuality.
[ sighing .]
oh.
You know, it's a shame our lads at g-sac Don't feel gay above the waist is gay enough to play ball.
I mean, I still remember the day When popping the collar on your polo Was enough to get you backstage at "a chorus line.
" How do we figure out what makes lance gay? You guys are overthinking this.
It's obvious why lance is gay.
Well, we're not all blessed With your military-grade gaydar, hanna.
Please, enlighten us.
He got a perfect score on my "cooper test.
" Lance drives a mini-cooper, Wants bradley cooper's blue eyes, And watches anderson cooper on mute -- 100% gay.
That's bananas.
Just because a guy enjoys watching a little olympic diving Doesn't determine anything about his sexuality.
You know, I think hanna's onto something with her cooper test.
The league have got their criteria, So, why don't we bring 'em ours? Yeah.
[ chuckles .]
It's like I'm caught in crazy town.
Aroyan's got serious anger-management issues.
Did you see that vein Throbbing in his forehead on the video? Right out of "scanners.
" I thought it was gonna explode.
You know it was based on a true story? No way.
"scanners.
" true story.
"ou est la salle de bain?" "where is the bathroom?" "tu es ma joie de vivre.
" "you are the joy of my life.
" Bon jour.
Mon nom est peter Et c'est jararrd.
What? We both had mademoiselle stein.
I told the warden I'd be happy to answer any of your questions.
I just can't be late for my afternoon tai chi class.
Well, we will be muy rápido.
That's spanish, dick wad.
Yeah, I had senor flackenberry.
Suck it.
Julian, we have it under good authority That you're trying to frame judge kohler To get your case overturned.
Kohler? Refresh my memory.
Do you remember your sentencing, When you said, and I quote -- "I'm going to shove that gavel up your butt So you can't talk out your ass again"? Well, I was in a dark place back then spiritually.
I've since learned to channel my anger Into the classics and meditation, romance lan-- You mean you turned into a pussy? Only a coward would send an anonymous letter To do his dirty work.
This is beneath me.
It's not my style.
What is your connection to a night manager At the pasadena grand named paul ostrowski? It's not ringing any bells, And if you would, I'd like to go attend my meditation class.
Buddha can wait.
According to prison phone logs, You made numerous calls in April of 2009 To a disposable cell purchased with cash in pasadena.
That ring any bells, maybe a nicki minaj ring tone? This conversation is over.
Get out of my way.
You know, it's funny.
Whenever we call that phone, it just rings.
Maybe the night manager doesn't recognize our number.
Because he's really talkative if you call him on his office line.
Tell you what -- let me get him on the phone right now, We'll straighten this whole thing out with you right here.
Whoa! I'm gonna rip your throat out! You got it all wrong, fellas! I just want to serve my time! It's the guys about to go away! They're the ones who'll say anything to stay out! Not me! Whew.
It's okay to admit that he scared you.
I'm not scared.
You're holding my arm.
No, I'm not.
Mr.
Thorpe, as chairman Of the gay softball association of california, You established the criteria for newly joining members.
I make certain each member Fulfills the guidelines of our charter.
And according to your criteria, You don't think that lance here is gay enough? I don't think lance is gay at all.
Why? Because he doesn't act like you? Because he hasn't had a physical or romantic affair With a member of the same sex.
Gay isn't a phase in our league, mr.
Infeld.
Are you confident about your own sexuality? I came out in high school.
I've had multiple relationships.
I am a gay man.
Using your criteria, I suppose.
[ chuckles .]
Nobody could dispute my pride.
Ah! Now, I'm really happy to hear you say that, Because I have my own test for gayness.
Carlton: Objection, your honor.
Mr.
Infeld doesn't have expert knowledge.
Your honor, this witness has already testified That nobody will doubt his pride.
Certainly if he's as gay as he says he is, Then he'll pass any test with flying colors.
Overruled.
I'll allow it.
Thank you.
So, mr.
Thorpe [ clears throat .]
Would you please illuminate for the court Who won "dancing with the stars," season two? I don't watch "dancing with the stars.
" [ spectators murmur .]
what?! Oh, my.
Oh, well, you should.
It's a wonderful show.
By the way, drew lachey.
He took the tiara home that year.
[ chuckles .]
Um [clears throat.]
moving on.
As a gay man, you obviously know Kathy griffin's current hair color.
Red.
Ohh.
Oh, dear.
[ chuckling .]
no, red is her natural hair color.
Copper -- that's the new red.
Mm-hmm.
What's gayer -- pilates or yoga? Carlton: Objection! This ridiculous test of mr.
Infeld's Doesn't prove anything about sexuality.
It's arbitrary and demeaning.
Precisely.
My criteria is no less absurd than mr.
Thorpe's.
The only difference is, your honor, His criteria unfairly stripped lance And the burbank bears of their title.
Well, thank you.
No further questions.
Mm.
Pilates is gayer.
[ dance music plays .]
Inviting every heterosexual from your office Won't protect you from turning gay, damien.
Karp: Oh, please.
I am more than comfortable with my sexuality.
Besides, my bed count in college speaks for itself.
Numbers that can't be verified.
Man, everything is a competition with you.
I'm trying to tell you I lied about my stats.
No way! Every theta pledge did the walk of shame Out of your room junior year.
I saw them come out in pairs.
Oh, I'm a fabulous listener.
They'd talk about their eating disorders, Cheating boyfriends, waxing.
What about leslie friedman? Virgin.
Probably still is.
What? Or chloe summers and greta turnberry.
Lesbian.
Pregnant, econ professor.
Amanda morris? It was 20 years ago.
Did you or didn't you have sex with amanda morris? Amanda isn't the only person that lance has forgotten about.
Did he tell you About his ex-wife? What? Tanya and I got married on a cruise to barbados.
It lasted three years.
And tanya is testifying against us in the morning.
Hey.
Could you give us a moment? Look at me.
Stanton gave us matching suits for making equity partners.
We wanted breakaway tuxedos, But they're not professional -- here.
[ chuckles .]
Listen, peter, I was thinking about the conversation We were having the other day.
Which conversation is that? Oh.
Yeah.
It might've crossed my mind a couple hundred times.
I mean, it seems crazy for two people With so much chemistry to deny something so natural.
You're reading my mind.
Two people working together In the trenches.
Who would blame them? A jury.
This is about kohler and pollock?! Judgment can be compromised when desire interferes.
[ sighs .]
that was cruel.
But effective.
We're willing to reduce the charge To one count of misdemeanor conduct And he steps down from the bench for good.
He'll never go for it.
And d.
A.
Pollock isn't exactly -- She's a victim.
She heads up our conviction integrity program.
She started the prisoner rehabilitation program.
She runs the unsolved crimes division.
She's a saint.
She helps inmates Graduate high school.
Assface! Hey! [ gasps .]
grandma janie! Assface.
Hi.
Sorry.
You have to go.
We have high-level legal defense stuff.
Yeah, we're gonna talk about you.
Get out of here.
I'm gone.
Get your boyfriend to take the deal.
Did you show her our suits? Yeah.
We got suits! Hey, we got to get carmen on d.
A.
Pollock.
She's either being blackmailed, She's being unfaithful, Or she's telling the truth.
Huh? Huh? What? We shopped together, danced.
He was fun.
And if he was so wonderful, Why aren't you still together? I opened a hair salon.
Lance started a fitness club.
The stress put too much pressure on our relationship.
It tore us apart.
Like so many other straight marriages? Mm-hmm.
No further questions.
Could you read aloud the charge Highlighted on the credit-card statement You shared with your ex-husband? $14.
95, monthly service installment for Guycatch.
Com.
A gay dating website for men.
A charge which appears every month for six months Before your divorce.
Lance joined the site to help a gay friend At the salon start dating.
Yeah, right.
And I go to strip clubs 'cause I love buffalo wings.
Carlton: Objection.
Mr.
Karp's perverse diet Has no relevance in these proceedings.
Ms.
Renner, you didn't step forward to testify against lance Because you think he's lying.
You did it because you're angry.
You're angry that your dancing and shopping partner Could never be in love with a woman.
You feel used, don't you? Lied to? And who could blame you? No further questions.
Redirect, your honor.
About how many times per week Did you and lance engage in sexual relations? Objection.
Relevance.
Well, mr.
Karp made it relevant By suggesting this was a sham marriage.
Objection overruled.
The witness can answer.
Three to four.
And did lance ever experience any -- Forgive me -- stage fright? Quite the opposite.
Oh.
Three-year marriage, active sex life.
Well, if lance isn't straight, Then he deserves an academy award.
Thank you.
I've been a trial judge for 19 years, Presiding over And of those 1,400-plus cases, how many were appealed? Roughly half.
Comes with the job.
How many were overturned? Two.
Two out of 700 cases, Meaning your interpretation of the law Is nearly incontrovertible.
As judges, we must put prejudice aside And see cases through the blindfolded eyes Of lady justice.
Lady justice.
I like that.
Now, we've demonstrated that you're a man of honesty, A man of integrity.
Would you tell the jury When you began your relationship with d.
A.
Pollock? In February of 2010.
I immediately recused myself from all her future cases.
February 2010, More than a year after the claim in the anonymous letter.
No more questions.
Respectfully, judge kohler, What signified February of 2010 As the start of your relationship? A sexual encounter late one evening in my chambers.
Crossing the line from colleague To something more takes courage.
I-I-if you're not both on the same page When that spark strikes, Things could get real awkward.
Objection.
Counsel's testifying.
Ms.
Ross is trying to work out certain issues in her own life.
Your point, ms.
Ross? The emotional buildup to a relationship Is just as significant As the consummation of the relationship itself, your honor.
Carry on.
So, is the jury to believe That you didn't experience any feelings toward d.
A.
Pollock Prior to that intimate encounter in your chambers? I am a professional, ms.
Ross.
Uh, let me rephrase the question.
Was it professional to send ms.
Pollock an e-mail In March of 2009 with a winky face emoticon? I am known for my emoticons, Especially the abe lincoln face.
I've sent them to all the d.
A.
S in your office, Defense attorneys, my support staff -- Can you answer the question? Keeping in mind you're under oath.
I may have been attracted to margaret.
I swear, it had no impact on my rulings.
Are you absolutely sure? Couldn't your attraction have colored thingsJust a little? I don't know.
Thank you for your honesty.
No further questions.
Jared: [ laughs .]
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Carmen.
Hey.
So, I ran into an old friend While researching pollock's prisoner rehabilitation program.
Guys, this is ricky.
Ricky.
Hey, ricky.
Get the guys up to speed With what you told me.
From January 2009 to April 2009, Larry dobeck did a stretch for identity theft.
He's the cousin of the night manager At the pasadena grand, Where pollock and kohler were I.
D.
'd.
Served his time in the same cell block as julian aroyan.
Which is probably where pollock enters our story, Except I can't find aroyan In any of the classes pollock taught.
But here's the thing -- Pollock tutors him privately in french.
Privately, as in alone? As in very committed to his studies? Fluent in the romantic languages? Carmen: Okay, enough.
Is he boning her or what? [ sighs .]
Look, you didn't hear this from me, all right? But she got a class at 2:00 p.
M.
Ask her yourself.
Thanks, ricky.
You got it.
I am done getting sucker-punched by you.
What's really going on? Oh, you figured me out, damien.
I'm faking gay for an aluminum trophy.
Well, you know, from where I'm standing, I see the exact same guy who threw spitters in college To get his strikeout records.
Yeah, so what? I like to win.
Yeah, well, that's the exact same attitude That landed me in the hospital with a broken nose AndGot you amanda morris.
Oh, come on! I didn't mean to mess us up.
We were like brothers.
Well, now I'm your lawyer.
And unless we can find someone to corroborate your sexuality, Preferably not some hot bikini model We're screwed.
I don't have to listen to this.
I'll tell ya.
One time, I tried telling somebody who was close to me, But I lacked the courage 'cause I thought it would change everything.
Awesome.
We'll go with that.
So much confidence now.
Oh, great timing.
I-I think we're gonna use your cooper test results To sway the judge.
"love is blind.
Friendship closes its eyes.
" Really? I can usually count on stanton For the useless nietzsche quotes.
What am I gonna do about lance? Do you remember when you took me to catalina For valentine's day? You left early because I spent the entire vacation Playing golf with tom wuhler from the new york office.
I left early because you filled our hotel room with orchids And I broke out in hives.
What? How was I supposed to know? You used to leave orchids on my desk Every time you thought about me.
And every time, I told you they were sweet, But I'm not really a flower girl.
Mm.
All women love flowers.
I-I just figured that you wanted me to work harder.
Sometimes you listen to the words, damien, But you don't hear them.
Your problem isn't about lance.
It's about you.
Wow.
You think you could break out of this prison? Unmarked bulletproof helicopter lands in the yard.
Cayenne pepper to throw off the dogs.
Gone in 60 seconds! You have thought this through.
But where are you getting an unmarked bulletproof helicopter? That's where you come in.
Here we go.
Peter, jared.
Is everything okay with derek? [ sighs .]
Sorry, I bet him five bucks that you'd confess To your affair with aroyan the second you saw us.
That's ridiculous.
That's what I said! A woman who could crush her fiancé's heart With her bare hands isn't capable of remorse.
That's what he said.
Just because I work independently with a prisoner Doesn't mean I'm romantically involved with him.
Oh! Please stop doing that.
We can't let you send kohler to prison Just so you can continue your french-fests.
I moved in with derek.
I became a dog person for him.
We're engaged.
That's probably gonna change when you're locked up in chino For conspiracy and criminal fraud.
I'd imagine it's not co-ed, So you're gonna have to bid adieu to your french lessons.
Derek's gonna be upset when he hears about this.
You used to live in pasadena Before you moved in with kohler, right? [ cellphone rings .]
Jared: That's the same city where aroyan Bought the disposable cellphone he's been calling.
- How you think Nickol will take the news about pollock? - You've ever seen your father crying? Oh, man.
I feel sorry for the grumpy dude.
Up until now, I didn't know his heart was capable of a beat.
Same old story.
Innocent hot girl falls for dangerous bad boy.
This is so "dirty dancing.
" Aah! Yeah, except swayze was just misunderstood.
[ groans .]
[ laughs .]
[ door closes .]
there he is! There! ThereHe is! [ sighs .]
Come on in! Judge kohler: What is it that couldn't wait? I have to meet margaret for our marriage blood test.
Okay, um Jared has some information that he has to share with you.
Me? J's before "p.
" All right.
Uh, your honor, Are you aware that your fiancée had personal Encounters with prisoners? Her rehabilitation program has an 80% graduation rate, So I assumed that she's had favorites.
She does.
She does.
Yeah.
Julian aroyan is one of them.
For the last three years, Your fiancée privately tutored him in french.
She was also teaching me french.
A prison guard confirmed it, But he won't testify.
So your theory is based on an unverifiable witness.
Well, we kind of hoped maybe you had access to her computer Or had come across any suspicious documents.
She covered her tracks.
I am telling you that you are wrong.
She gave up her home.
She gave away her cat.
She became a dog person.
Sh-- we've merged our finances.
She's planning a life with me.
Or she's planning her escape And doesn't want any attachments.
You're wrong! And you're lazy! And if you can't find the person that's setting me up, Then I will have to find someone that will.
Maybe you should have gone first.
No, you did -- you didGood.
I don't think so.
No.
You really don't have a life, do you? What can I do for you, peter? Pollock rigged the case.
You have to dismiss.
Do I? This is about a woman's control, Not a judge's dereliction of duty.
A woman's control? No, this is about how kohler lured her in With his power and his charm and his eyes.
She lured him in with her siren song.
You've read "the odyssey"? Cliffs notes.
Even with his boat shattered in pieces, He still clings to the rocks, WaitingHoping For one last glimpse Of her beauty.
d won't you move a little closer d d always dreamed I'd be d d here with you, my love d d oooohhhhh d d oooohhhhh d Mr.
Dillon You know, you're not the first man to marry a woman To hide his homosexuality.
You know, but what really baffles me is Why did you stay in the closet for so long? I, um Couldn't handle the consequences of coming out.
Oh.
The consequences.
So, what happened when you first tried to come out? I, uh Well, actually, um Uh, there Now, take your time.
Your honor, with the court's permission, I'll continue the line of questioning.
[ clears throat .]
[ breathes deeply .]
Isn't it true that you once got into a fight With your best friend over a girl? Amanda morris.
Right, and you boiled over with so much rage That, in a fit of passion, you punched him.
Yeah, as hard as I could.
Right.
But the rage wasn't over amanda morris, was it? Was it? Actually, it involved someone Who wouldn't have understood the truth.
Who was that person? I don't want to do this right now.
I get it, but, unfortunately, you're under oath.
Answer the question.
You.
[ voice breaking .]
I punched you Because I wasAngry That I'd never have you.
[ breathing deeply .]
Thank you, lance.
Thank you.
We subpoena aroyan and the night manager.
They'll just lie.
We can We -- Okay, could you stop with the guitar? You're killing me.
You slept with janie.
What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.
That is the same cheesy song you wrote The first time you guys slept together! It's not cheesy.
That is a cheesy song! It's "rainy day janie"! That is warped.
What?! "rainy day janie.
" "rainy day janie.
" how dare you? How dare you? That is a gutsy move, Considering we are representing a judge Who's accused of the same crime? It's different.
How? It's way, way different! How?! It's not different.
Ew.
You -- All rise.
I just picked up my blood-test results From my doctor, and he gave me margaret's work-up.
She's running away with aroyan, As soon as she gets me convicted.
Which will give him the key to his prison cell.
Man, according to this, She's had her exit plan from the start.
This isn't enough to prove she set him up.
We got to find something To directly link her plan to aroyan.
I've seen franklin and bash do a lot more with a lot less.
The defense calls margaret pollock to the stand.
Objection! This witness is not on my list.
Jared: Clearly, ms.
Ross woke up On the side of the wrong bed this morning.
We've brought in julian aroyan Strictly for identification purposes.
Overruled.
Overruled.
[ mutters .]
Miss pollock, do you recognize the man Sitting in the front row between the two officers? Mr.
Aroyan is a student of mine At the california correctional institute.
Are you in love with him? Absolutely not.
Judge sheffield: Return to port, mr.
Franklin.
Your fishing expedition is over.
[ chuckles .]
I apologize for my colleague.
Of course you're not in love with someone like that.
You're engaged to judge kohler.
This woman She got a marriage blood test, Something the state of california doesn't even require.
Why? They're needed in France.
We're planning a ceremony in brantA´me.
It's the venice of périgord.
That's beautiful.
But you also got vaccinations for typhoid, Malaria, and diphtheria at the same doctor's visit.
IWanted to be caught up in case we traveled.
Well, I wasn't aware of a malaria epidemic in France.
Objection! Argumentative.
Judge sheffield: Sustained.
Miss pollock, were you aware That vaccinations for schistosomiasis And mediterranean spotted fever Are only required for remote regions of morocco? I'm not a physician.
Janie: Relevance, your honor.
Mr.
Bash, your clock is ticking.
What if I told you that the contents of this envelope Contained two plane tickets to rabat, morocco? [ scoffs .]
I would say it's a patented franklin-and-bash bluff.
Could you please read the contents aloud for the jury? [ paper rustling .]
Two tickets to rabat, morocco.
Who are they for? Me and Derek kohler.
You bitch! You set me up! You're going with him?! Babe, I'm not going with h-- You're a liar! [ sighs .]
Judge sheffield: Bailiffs, remove him! [ sighs .]
I -- I mean These tickets are fake.
Miss pollock, you sent the anonymous package Implicating judge kohler to your own office, didn't you? Prove that.
Janie: A-at this time, The prosecution moves to dismiss, your honor.
And we would also move to add the charge of perjury Against margaret pollock.
Judge sheffield: Bailiffs, Take miss pollock into custody, forthwith.
Really? Uh-huh.
All right.
[ sighs .]
Janie, d.
A.
Pollock's a bad person.
She used judge kohler's vulnerability To manipulate everyone around her.
Is that what we're doing to each other? We're just having fun.
Our sex-tivities were never this adventurous when we dated.
Sex-tivities.
At least we don't have the pressure Of a relationship hanging over us.
Nope, just the fantasy.
And if we got caught Judge kohler: Caught doing what? Yeah, what? Uh, caught with our pants down over d.
A.
Pollock.
A fair judgment means you check your emotions at the door.
Bryce: On behalf of the gay softball association of california, Join me in congratulating the burbank bears As our new champions! [ dance music plays, cork pops .]
[ cheers and applause .]
awesome.
Hey! Hey.
[ chuckling .]
oh, right.
Well, looks like this rainbow Had a pot of gold at the end of it after all.
Listen, damien, I never said so.
I want you to know I'm sorry I decked you back then.
I wish I just, somehow, I could have spared you, I don't know, some of those years of self-doubt -- Without the sex, obviously.
It was a crush, all right? You're not even my type these days.
What's your type? Men who are in shape.
I'm in shape! Are you kidding me? I haven't had a carb in like nine years.
Look, I would never jeopardize our friendship By hitting on you.
Well, that's great, but, I mean, seriously.
What area do you think needs the most work? It's hard to get this flat, Because I have large internal organs.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, all right! [ music continues, indistinct shouting .]
You hear about this guy knuckleface? You got to admit, that is one badass mob name.
That's what I've been sayin' forever.
I mean, we should have mob names.
I'll go by "jelly roll.
" I'm not calling you jelly roll.
That's stupid.
You got a beef with jelly roll, juice box? Juice box? I'm juice box? Uh-huh.
Scary guy fortified with vitamin c? Nobody knows what it really means.
Bailiff: All rise.
Hey -- whoa.
Your honor, you can't preside over this case, given our history.
You're supposed to recuse yourself.
Gentlemen, that is my choice, not the law.
Unless, of course, You filed a 997 affidavit to have me removed.
And had you pursued that route, I would have issued a writ of prohibition to stop it.
That's not cool.
This sucks! Don't tempt me, fellas.
We have histor-- ahh, come on.
Ahhh! Ahh.
I think you should stop.
Really?