Frasier (2023) s02e05 Episode Script

1
Cherished friends, family.
Thank you for volunteering your time
on this momentous occasion:
giving notes on the first draft
of my memoir.
"Cherished friends"?
You made us sign NDAs.
Yes, well, one can't be too careful.
Now, I thought some visual aids
might help.
Something to document
your input. There we are.
FREDDY: "What we're loving."
Well, not the subtlety.
Oh, all right. Admittedly, I am
burning with anticipation.
Is that the only thing that's burning?
My baked brie en croûte!
Oh, my God.
I thought this was next week.
I haven't read it yet.
This is my worst nightmare.
Oh, please, it's not a test. It's just
- a friendly gathering.
- Have you read it?
Of course I have. What friend wouldn't?
Look, Frasier's probably
feeling vulnerable,
so just make up something
positive and thoughtful.
Like what?
Well, I-I plan on saying, um,
I loved how the themes
of his childhood reverberated
throughout his life.
Really is a richly woven tapestry.
All right, well, uh,
the backup brie is in the oven.
All right. So, who'd like
to go first then? Uh Olivia?
Me?
Um well
I liked
how the themes of your childhood
reverberated throughout your life.
I thought it was like a
richly woven tapestry.
FRASIER: Oh.
Thank you very much, Olivia.
That's-that's very nice indeed
and certainly
"what we're loving."
- Thief!
- I'm so sorry. I didn't
- How could you do that to me?
- I don't know why.
It just came out of my mouth.
FRASIER: Alan.
What did you think?
Oh. Um
Well
(SIGHS)
Actually
Did you even read it?
Of course I read it.
And I
too thought it was
a richly woven tapestry.
Alan. Stealing from Olivia
shame on you.
Of course you didn't read it.
You know who did read it? My dad.
He sends his notes
because he couldn't be here.
Oh. Well, how very kind of Niles.
FIRST NOTE: uh, "Ten pages in,
"and I already suspect this memoir
"should be paired with a good port.
"So, go ahead,
take it down to the docks,
and toss it into the brackish water."
That seems unnecessarily ornate.
- That's his second note.
- Yes, all right, give me that.
- (OVEN TIMER CHIMES)
- Oh.
Oh, excuse me. (CHUCKLES)
Brie is calling.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS) So sorry.
The babysitter was late.
Once again,
I have over-browned the brie.
I'm sure it's fine. Can we
- It's on fire.
- (GROANS)
I have no idea
what to say about his book.
- You didn't read it?
- Of course I read it.
See? Even the waitress has read it.
Do you guys call me
"the waitress" behind my back?
Yes.
Of course I read it.
It's just so dense. Like, what does
"a rhapsody of elation
envelops my being" even mean? (CHUCKLES)
That means he's happy.
Then why can't he just say, "I'm happy"?
Well, why can't Hamlet just say,
"I'm sad"?
Can you compare it
to some other literary works?
My dad compared it
to Dante's Inferno.
Sorry, he compared it
to being in Dante's Inferno.
I guess I can try it. But the only book
I've been reading recently
is The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
- (LAUGHS)
- FREDDY: Fire's out.
We did it! (CHUCKLES)
Well, he did it. But
(LAUGHS)
All right then, who's next? Um, Eve?
Uh, I thought that your memoir
reminded me of a great book
I just read about
a very hungry insect
undergoing an incredible
transformation.
You're comparing my book
to Kafka's Metamorphosis.
- Uh-huh.
- FRASIER: See, you know, I had
hoped for Dickensian at most,
but Kafkaesque? (CHUCKLES): My God.
Eve, you are a very keen critic
and a good friend. Alan.
Frederick, you've been
sort of suspiciously quiet.
I mean, what-what were your impressions?
Oh, yeah, no, it's, uh, super good.
"Super good"?
- That's it?
- DAVID: Uh, if it's helpful,
my dad wrote, "Overwrought,
overwritten, over it."
I didn't even send him the memoir!
You're welcome.
(GROANS)
Frederick, please, please, uh,
what might I have done to make it
"super-duper good"?
You know, I do vaguely
recall something from, uh,
I think it was chapter three,
last paragraph, last sentence.
You mean where I wrote,
"I'm very proud of my son, Frederick"?
How does it end?
"my funny little alien."
That's an interesting way
to describe your own son.
"Alien." You know, it's less
something close to your heart
and more something that bursts
out of your ribcage.
(FRASIER LAUGHS)
No, it's just a term of endearment.
I mean, come on, we're so different
in-in al-almost every way.
I mean, you don't like normal things
like b-ballet, chamber music,
haikus about the sea.
Yeah, Freddy, why can't you
be cool and relatable
like your dad?
You know what, Dad?
Just forget it. Doesn't matter.
Who-who cares if we have
zero common interests?
Well, I care.
I mean, you brought it up,
so it's obviously on your mind,
and we should do something about it.
So you'll change the word "alien"?
Hmm.
It's such a terrific sentence. Um
But I-I know what we should do.
Yeah, let's figure out something
that the two of us
would like to do together.
Something not so alien, huh?
(CHUCKLES) All right.
Surely we can think of something.
Mm, you know what really
bonded me and my mom
when I was a teenager?
Smoking.
No bad ideas.
How about "teach David how to swim"?
Bad idea.
Of course they could
run a junkyard together.
It's historically a father/son activity.
I feel like we keep coming back
to "teach David how to swim."
No one wants to teach you to swim.
- (SIGHS)
- How about squash?
- Karaoke?
- Karaoke?
Oh, yes, we could sing jazz standards.
Okay, karaoke's out. Uh
Pickleball.
FRASIER: No, pedestrian.
How about
squash?
Squash?
Squash. Olivia, that's a lovely idea.
Why didn't we think of that sooner?
You are a bad lady.
Yeah, I could do squash.
I mean, I've played before.
Yes, of course. Squash. Tomorrow.
(LAUGHS)
Now, if you'll all excuse me,
I have got to go and change.
My agent is taking me
to the opera tonight.
We're going to see Tosca.
Going to be spending the evening
with one of history's greatest villains:
psychopathic, power-hungry
Scarpia.
Bebe Glazer!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Frasier Crane.
The voice, the brain, the bod.
Well, I (CHUCKLES)
My favorite client, and
the man who broke my heart.
Oh, Bebe.
We spent the night together
once just decades ago.
No, darling, when you quit your TV show.
You made Bebe sad.
(CHUCKLES) Well
They offered a five-year
extension, triple the money.
I wanted to move on to new pastures.
With that contract, you could
have bought a hundred pastures.
Ah, well, well
I'm happy here now in Boston.
Teaching.
And writing my memoir.
So, what did you think?
Oh, I love it, love it, love it.
Can't wait to read it.
I-I thought a junior agent
could tackle your memoir while I focus
- on your TV career!
- No, Bebe. Never again.
You tried that on me once.
You pawned off to some underling.
Fine.
I'll read it.
I hope you don't mind, I've invited
- my daughter Phoebe to join us.
- Oh.
She just drove up from New York.
She'll be here any second.
I didn't know you had a daughter.
Well, I also had a turtle, darling,
but you're the one with the memoir.
I think you two will get along famously.
Phoebe's an Ivy Leaguer.
She enjoys the finer things in life,
- like opera.
- Mm. Yeah.
Sounds like the exact opposite
of my son.
He would never go to the opera with me.
I can't say I enjoy it much,
- but I do love a good tragedy.
- Mm.
When Tosca throws herself
out of that window,
I am on my feet.
So sorry I'm late. The usher
Mwah. Mwah.
The usher misread my ticket
and took me to the most frightful place.
Mezzanine.
I felt like an Irish peasant
packed into steerage
on the Titanic.
Ooh, I like her. (LAUGHS)
Phoebe, precious, meet Frasier Crane.
Enchanted to meet you.
Such a pleasure.
Please.
Well, do I spy the same opera glasses?
Oh, yes. I adore a box seat.
It forces me to bring these
to live out the full opera cliché.
(LAUGHS) Yes. The only thing missing is
a deformed freak in the rafters
- trying to kidnap the soprano.
- (LAUGHS)
God, I hate Phantom.
Oh, so do I. (LAUGHS)
But I suppose the tourists
have to watch something.
- (LAUGHS) Oh.
- (OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
OLIVIA: Alan, talk to me.
Why? So you can steal my words
and claim them as your own?
No, I've learned that lesson twice.
I'm sorry.
I'm I have always hated it
when people copied my homework.
It's just
getting the reward without any effort.
(SQUEALS)
I-I swear it'll never happen again.
But, ooh, the rush!
Really sounds like
it's gonna happen again.
Hey, how'd the game go?
It was awesome. We dominated.
We destroyed people in their 50s, 60s
- and even 70s.
- (FRASIER CHUCKLES)
Yes, in fact, if I knew the names
of two famous squash players, I'd say,
"Look out, you two.
We're coming for you."
(LAUGHS)
Nice shorts, Dr. Crane.
- Very courageous.
- FRASIER: Thank you.
These are traditional squash whites.
In fact, next time,
I'm hoping Freddy joins me
in the spirit of the game.
No, no, no, I like the spirit,
I just wish the spirit covered
- a little more thigh.
- (LAUGHS)
I had a good time today.
Hey, you still on
for racquet shopping later?
- Absolutely.
- All right.
Perfect ending to a perfect day.
The entire thing was hell.
But Freddy said you won every game.
Yes, we did, but we had
absolutely no chemistry.
We're completely different
on the court. I mean,
I play with my heart on my sleeve,
living and dying by every point.
He's just so even-keeled,
so stone-faced,
so alien.
It was nothing like
when I used to play with Niles.
Speaking of my dad,
I do have the rest of his notes.
Are any of them
the least bit constructive?
DAVID: Well, uh Ooh.
Let's see. Here's one. Uh,
"Great for the beach,
- specifically Normandy, 1944."
- Thank you, David.
Oh, I Oh, let's just try another.
"A triumph of the human spirit,
on my part, to get through it." Uh
"A perfect coffee table book,
if one of the legs is uneven."
"I could put it down,
a real page-burner."
Uh, "Daphne thought it was pretty good."
Thank you, David!
(SIGHS)
I'm sure there's something else
you can try with Freddy.
No, there is nothing else.
You know, last night,
my agent's daughter came along.
We had such effortless chemistry.
We had a-a lovely evening together.
Why is it I can-I can get along
with a perfect stranger
- and not with my own son?
- ALAN: Painful.
Makes you long for death.
I think that's a bit much, Alan.
No, that's what Niles wrote
on the back of your memoir.
Give me that.
Oh, hey, Dad, uh, at the courts,
I saw this flyer for a tournament
this weekend.
You want to enter together?
Yes, of course, I
Playing squash. Doing more of the thing
we both love doing together. (CHUCKLES)
- Okay, I'll sign us up.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, Freddy.
I-I can't go shopping
with you this afternoon.
It-it seems, uh,
Something's come up with Bebe.
Oh, no. She headed down
to Georgia to steal a soul?
(LAUGHS)
No, actually,
her-her daughter's broken her ankle.
Oh, geez. Now I feel bad.
How'd she break her ankle?
Well, she didn't actually
break her ankle. She's just dying
- Oh!
- to spend time talking
about Tosca with me,
which I'd rather do
than go shopping with Freddy.
Frasier! Really?
Too late. I've already rationalized.
(PIANO PLAYING GENTLY)
(GASPS) Two back-to-back days
of Frasier Crane!
What kind of good karma is that?
I must have been a saint
in my past life.
Certainly not in this one.
Phoebe will be right back.
She had a terrific time
chatting with you.
Yes, likewise.
Not often I meet a fellow opera buff.
(LAUGHS) She certainly
didn't get it from me.
In the meantime,
shall we talk memoir?
You read it. I'd love to.
Marvelous.
Why the hell are you writing a memoir?
What do you mean? You didn't like it?
No, it's not that, treasure.
It's just that the only way
there could be any money in this book
is if you hollowed it out.
There are more important things
than money, Bebe.
Spoken like a true fat cat.
But what about us poor skinny kitties?
I have producers ready to throw millions
at a revival of your TV show
at me and you.
Yes, I have no interest
in reviving my show.
I'm happy living here in Boston.
Which is why I found
some fabulous new studios in Bushwick.
- Bushwick?
- Just a stone's throw away.
You could give it two days
a month and be done with it.
No.
I would like to talk about my memoir.
Ugh.
You're going to have
to make it a tad juicier.
More sex, more drugs,
more rock and roll.
I have no interest
in writing some-some vapid
celebrity tell-all.
Not a tell-all, a tell-some.
You know
A chapter about our torrid affair in '95
would make for an interesting read.
Yes, if I were writing a horror novel.
Sorry I had to step away,
I ran into someone
I met at the Loro Piana pop-up
in Zermatt.
(LAUGHS)
I'm wearing Loro Piana.
Wow, look at us, two tweeds in a pod.
- (LAUGHS)
- Yes.
For some reason, she's always dressed
like an authoritarian head
of an all-girls orphanage.
- Oh, dear.
- Oh, here, allow me.
What?
Are you reading
The Complete Marivaux?
Oh, do you know his work?
Know it? Ha!
Almost moved to Paris to write a book
about his lost manuscripts.
Well, I just wrote
an article about his critique
of 18th-century social norms.
Hilarious!
The coincidence, I mean.
Not the article.
It sounds terribly dry.
Small world.
But if this ditty
is not so pretty ♪
At least it'll tell you
how great you are. ♪
Oh, my God, forgive me.
I'm-I'm so embarrassed, I'm sorry.
I'm such a musical theater geek.
So was I! When I was 16, I almost joined
a street gang to do research
for West Side Story.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪
But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪
BOTH:
But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪
BOTH: You're the top. ♪
My goodness,
you're-you're a lovely singer.
- Oh.
- Yet another thing
she did not inherit from me.
I'll go give the piano player a tip.
He should know the difference
between andante and allegro.
(LAUGHS)
Phoebe's father.
Any chance
he's a
a gifted vocalist?
Perhaps a rich, silky baritone
comfortable anywhere from the bottom
of the second octave
to the middle of the fourth?
It's impossible to say.
The '90s are such a blur.
So many lovers.
So, Phoebe is
- a '90s baby?
- PHOEBE: Ah, yes.
1995, to be precise.
Actually,
Phoebe, uh, we'll we may
have to take a rain check
on this drink.
We're leaving tomorrow,
and Phoebe is taking me
to a 19th century
Hungarian clock exhibit.
Unless I get my wish
and the Lord takes me first.
Oh, Mother, the Lord isn't
the one who'll be taking you.
Well, this was a delight,
even if we didn't
get to talk Tosca.
- Yes.
- I'll go fetch the car.
(CHUCKLES)
I I thought
you two might get along.
Phoebe is, uh
Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Of course, you can
ask me anything, peppercorn.
Is there any chance
that Phoebe is my daughter?
Of course not!
The nerve!
The dates do line up.
How dare you! Please.
Don't ever ask me that again.
I promise I won't.
It's all right, dear.
Don't you go worrying,
ruminating
or obsessing over this.
And definitely
do not
lose any sleep.
Sweet dreams, darling.
No, I'm worried about Frasier.
I mean, all of this pretending,
making up excuses, lying to his son.
He should know it's not all about
shared interests, and hobbies,
it's about showing up for your child.
At least while they still let you.
Oh, Alan, I didn't mean
to stir up any
No, no, no, it's-it's all right.
Just wish I was in a room
with my daughter
so she could tell me
we have nothing in common.
I'd give my right arm to have a tenth
of what Frasier and Freddy have
with my Nora.
I'm sorry.
You know, it's good to vent
to someone who isn't a cat.
Frasier, you look like hell.
Yeah, what's wrong?
I have a daughter!
What?
I think I'm the father
of my agent's daughter Phoebe.
They're leaving today and I
I wonder if I should just try
- to discuss it with her.
- ALAN: What?
Wait a minute, what makes you
think she's your daughter?
Well, there's a mountain of evidence.
We're both intelligent and sophisticated
and cultured and
and we both hate Phantom.
Mountain of evidence.
How can you hate Phantom?
We sang together! Oh, look,
I realize it's hard to explain,
it's just that
She makes me feel
like the kind of father
I've always envisioned myself being.
Well, it sounds like you're pursuing
this flight of fancy with Phoebe
in order to avoid facing the distress
you're feeling over your
relationship with your son.
Emotional avoidance, that cliché.
Honestly, Alan, you've really
been phoning it in lately.
Well, I wonder if
and-and this this is just
occurring to me
it's not about
shared interests and hobbies,
but
it's-it's more about
showing up for your child
while they let you.
I mean, think about it what parent
wouldn't give their right arm to
have what you have with Freddy?
Thank you, Olivia.
I-I cherish your precious words.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Oh, heck, it-it's Freddy.
I've got an hour
before the tournament starts.
And I've got to iron this out.
Uh, he's just gonna
have to understand. I mean,
he's a big brother now, after all.
He's gonna have to learn to share.
I don't know what to say.
Would you like me
to make something up for you?
Phoebe?
Hi. I'm sorry, uh
there's just
something I needed
to tell you before you leave.
Me too. I wanted
to say something earlier,
but I felt too shy.
Really? What Go-go ahead.
I've never known
who my father is, but
growing up,
I loved watching your talk show
and listening to all your advice and
My daughter's a fan.
Sorry?
Please, continue.
Your show filled that
missing fatherly presence in my life.
And I know it sounds stupid,
but I feel so close to you,
- as if
- I'm your father!
You are?
Maybe!
I should have led with "maybe," but
But my mother has never once
mentioned the possibility.
Yes, and have you
ever known your mother to be
honest and forthright?
Frasier, that hairline,
fuller and thicker by the day.
Bebe, you despicable swindler.
You knew all along
that Phoebe was my daughter.
How could you keep this from me?
N-No. Uh, I suppose
you could be her father,
I just never wanted to find out.
People see a single mother
and they think "hero, diva,
Madonna, whore."
How could I give all that up?
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I-I swear I will make it up to you.
I'll do anything, anything at all.
Just knowing you might be my father is
all I'll ever need.
Stay in touch?
You try and stop me.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Actually
there is one thing you could do for me.
Name it.
Well, I wish we could
see each other more.
You know, I don't live far away.
Uh, just in Bushwick.
And I
I don't know, maybe
there's something we could
do together there?
Bushwick?
Aren't there some
new TV studios in Bushwick?
Are there?
I'll tell you what.
For you and only you,
I will consider reviving my show.
Oh.
After all,
as Marivaux once said,
"A father is the only friend
on whom one can always rely."
I love that Marivaux quote.
It might be my favorite.
Marivaux never said that!
Everyone knows it was Émile Gaboriau!
What sort of ridiculous charade
are you putting on here?
Uh okay. Okay,
I'm-I'm sorry, I'm not your daughter.
Phoebe, you goon! You bungled it.
Oh, my God, I knew
I'd mess this up! I'm so sorry.
- I always mess everything up.
- No, no, no.
I should have known you weren't ready.
Bebe, you are pure evil.
You designed this elaborate ruse
just to talk me
into resurrecting my show.
- Well, I will never do it.
- BEBE: No, no,
no, Phoebe has been
begging to be your agent
ever since she fell in love
with your memoir.
This was a test,
which she obviously
and spectacularly failed.
Fell in love, you say?
Yeah, I couldn't put it down.
It's how I learned everything about you.
Look, I know I blew my chances, but
if I were marketing your book,
I'd focus on boutique publishers
and intellectual circles.
It's not some cheesy celebrity tell-all.
It's art.
Regardless, you ruined it!
No, it
it is art.
Bebe?
I've realized that Phoebe
is a very talented
and-and capable young woman.
And I insist that
she be added to my team.
Oh, please, please, please,
please give me a chance,
give me a chance!
Oh, fine. Stop hugging me.
I'm your mother.
But on one condition: I will never
revive my show. Is that clear?
- Deal?
- Deal.
How dare you!
Freddy!
Is this her?
The one with the perfectly
healthy ankles?
Thank you?
I called Alan.
He told me where to find you
and what you've been
up to.
I waited on that court for you.
I squeezed into these
ridiculous shorts for you.
I even got us matching headbands!
Freddy, I can explain.
No.
No, you're coming home
with me right now.
Go get in the car.
Here you are,
having an emotional scene
i-in public and
wearing your heart
on your sleeve, showing thigh.
My
my heart is so full.
You're not some alien.
You're my special boy!
I said get in the car!
Okay, bye.
God, what a fool.
Mother, you were so right.
I knew that he would never
add anyone to his team
unless he thought it was his idea.
And now that he trusts me and my taste,
we can go and sell his dumb book.
Which means that we can
go back to convincing him
to revive his talk show,
which is obviously
the best thing for him.
- And us.
- Yes, pet.
Mommy always gets her money.
Shall we celebrate
with some steak tartare?
The bloodier, the better.
(BOTH CACKLING)
("TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" PLAYING)
FRASIER:
Y'all know how this goes.
Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a-callin' ♪
Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
And maybe I seem
a bit confused ♪
Yeah, maybe.
But I got you pegged.
(CHUCKLES)
But I don't know what to do ♪
With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Life's callin' again. ♪