Fresh Meat (2011) s02e05 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 5
1 Are you sure you don't mind? Oh no, of course not.
Aw, thanks, babe.
We won't be late back.
It's just a couple of quiet pints down the local and an early night.
Yeah? Yeah Get the fuck in here, bitch! It's tequila slammer time! This programme contains very strong language and scenes of a sexual nature.
KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.
Toilet seems fine now.
Any problems, just give the office a shout.
Don't be scared, I've done this before Show me your teeth Show me your teeth Don't want no money Want your money That shit's ugly Just want your sex Want your sex Take a bite of my bad girl meat Bad girl meat Show me your teeth Let me see, you're mean MUSIC HEARD THROUGH WALLS KNOCKS ON DOOR Oh, you all right, nutsack, what's happening? How about a boys' night? Woah, look at your room.
I thought you were leaving all your dad's stuff behind.
Yeah, I was.
But then I changed my mind, decided to salvage a few key items.
You know, family heirlooms.
So, boys' night? You know.
Pub.
Sit in a corner.
Compare mobile phone talk plans.
What's this? Ah, so you've, er, spotted my Hockney.
Little christening present from the man himself.
No way.
Yessa What is it? It's a baby, is it? Sitting by a tree? Dude.
It's a man having a wank.
Oh Yeah.
Clearly.
Why would he give you a picture of a man having a wank for a christening present? Why would he not? Ah.
Now, I'm not trying to be rude, But, hey pretty girl, I'm feeling you The way you do the things you do You didn't invite "the lying Dutchwoman" did you? What? She who calls herself Sabine.
Do you meanSabine? I thought she was in Rotterdam? Who knows where she is? Well, I don't think she's back yet.
And anyway, I didn't invite her.
Because it's a boys' night! (SHOUTS) Only boys allowed! Woah! Yeah! Yeah! Boys' night! Yeah! Da, da, da, da, daa.
Da da, da, da daa Oy, oy, oy I haven't been on a boys' night out for ages.
Cheers, Kingsley.
I thought we were going to get fucking hooned and cause a ruckus.
Play a bit of cock or ball? Cock or ball? Oh, it's great.
Basically we take it in turns to show a little slither of flesh through our flies and then the others have to guess whether it's shaft or scrot.
I'd be up for that.
It's not the same.
Why hasn't Heather texted back? I don't know.
Why would I know? It's been like five seconds.
Maybe she's on the toilet.
Oregon, fresh cock at six o'clock.
No.
I'm taking a break from all that love stuff.
What? Why? Look at them.
They are pretty hot.
Kingsley! I can't! I've got to keep my head down and focus on Jean and Rhombus and not get distracted by men and their bullshit.
Woah.
No sexism on the boys' night.
Oh, well.
All the more for me.
OK.
Let's think of all the girls that we know and rate their norks on a scale of one to ten.
Ten.
Nine.
Seven LAUGHING I can't walk in these bloody heels.
Josie, Josie! What? Come on.
If you get there past nine you have to pay a fiver! I'm coming, I'm coming.
I don't mind her having friends.
But shouldn't I come first? No.
Yes.
OK, maybe not first.
But we should be equal.
Or am I wrong? Yes.
No.
I should text her again.
Maybe she didn't get the first one.
No! Maybe just let her get on with her night? I want to remind her not to use an unlicensed cab.
You've told her once, she'll remember.
Maybe she hasn't called because she's met someone else.
Maybe you're really insecure.
Maybe we should get some Jagermeister! Maybe she's just using you for a fuck buddy.
As though your penis is just some kind of pleasure stick, an incredibly realistic vibrator with an inconvenient human attachment.
MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES Fucking Orange.
Stop texting me, Orange.
Sure you don't want to change your mind? Very sure.
I'm going outside.
And I may be some time.
Erm, does anyone want to hear some of my poetry? Oh, fucking hell, this boys' night is bullshit! I just feel like, once you decide to extract the tooth, It's kind of like you're giving up.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God I'm sure it'll be fine.
They'll be in the door - just where you left them.
Fuck.
And you know what the worst thing is, if the key was in the door You said the keys were in the door.
Like I said, if the keys were in the door Which they were.
.
.
the insurance company won't pay.
You've got insurance? That's good! I made everyone get it, just in case.
.
.
you left the keys in the door? No! Shut up! Look it has to be a proper burglary.
It has to be not your fault.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
So, basically, I'm fucked.
Unless Hello? Godverdomme.
The main things are my MacBook and my camera.
Oh, my God! They've got all my photos.
From the whole of uni.
They're probably sitting somewhere now going through my whole life.
Probably posting my cool photos on their Facebook, pretending to be me.
Who always locks her room? And who consequently has had nothing stolen? I don't lock my room, Sabine.
Officer, I think you should write this down, it's probably an important clue.
If this is a routine burglary, right, how come they didn't take my laptop? Is there something in particular about your laptop, sir? Is there Ah.
How's about this for an answer - I've added 16 gig to the motherboard? And it's operating on Ubuntu.
Does that answer your question? BUZZER LAUGHTER Hi I've forgotten my key.
Are you OK, babe? What's happened? 'All my DVDs.
' iPod.
iPad.
iMac.
A miniature French carriage clock.
A solid set of silver German pickle forks.
An Edwardian solitaire set.
A mother of pearl bookmark.
My David Hockney.
You do realise it's against the law to fabricate stolen goods in order to claim off your insurance, sir? It was just a sketch.
It was only worth a couple of hundred.
What's it a sketch of? It's a baby sitting by a tree.
Er, no, it's not.
It's of a man, having a - you know I'm pretty sure it's a baby.
It was a Christening present.
OK, whatever.
Just put down "abstract-baby-wanking picture".
You reckon it was worth £200? Oh, dear, we clearly don't do art history lessons at police academy, do we? It's a David Hockney.
I meant a couple of hundred thousand.
Anything else, sir? Yeah.
Just one more thing.
They stole my dad.
Come on, babe, you can't still be in a mood.
I'm not in a mood.
Why do you think I'm in a mood? Oh, God, get over it, Grandad.
We had a girls' night out! Why is she in our bed? Babe! Josie didn't want to be on her own last night.
There's nothing weird about her sharing our bed.
She's my friend! Yeah, Kingsley, what's your problem? My problem Myproblem is you two are meant to have some sort of important practical today, and look at the state of you! We're fine.
We didn't even drink that much.
Did we, Josie? Oh, God, oh, is that noise in my head? You're not listening, Mummy.
I didn't lose Daddy.
He was stolen.
By thieves.
Well, I don't know why! Presumably to cut their speed with.
Who the fuck is that man? Are you OK? You do know we've been burgled? Yeah, well, what are you all doing now? Oregon? I'm going to the library.
Josie? I've got a practical.
You.
It has to be you.
Keep that man here till I come back down.
Do not let him leave this house.
It must be so difficult.
Oh, no, mate, it's easy.
You just, er, you just unscrew the socket head bolt with an Allen key wrench.
And, erm, the blades have got like, erm, mounting lugs? Er, so once they're engaged, you just tighten the socket head bolt.
Ta, mate.
Mounting lugs.
Wow.
KNOCK Ready? I had a shower, but I think that I might still smell like I've been on a bender.
Do I? Yes.
Right, hold these.
We'll get you a strong coffee on the way into college.
OK? Ready? I mean, yah, sure, I'm privileged.
No-one's saying that I'm not.
But they stole my dad, my actual dad.
I can't just buy another one.
It's bang out of order, mate.
Yeah.
You're right, it is bang out of order.
Gentlenodes.
Ermare youOK, Vod? What's wrong with you? I think I might've got .
.
love.
Do you need some help? Oh, you write poetry? Cool.
I just did my thesis on Anne Sexton.
To love another is something like prayer and can't be planned.
You just fall into its arms Because your belief undoes your disbelief You know she killed herself? Probably over a man.
What's that? Er, my dad, obviously.
I'm making myself a replacement urn.
It's not the same, but it's nearly the same.
You know what you could try? A skip.
I saw this programme, there was a man who found these items of a burglary dumped in a skip.
And one of those items was a very valuable painting.
And it was worth, like, 50s of thousands.
And he was a very poor man.
And he, and he wanted to auction it to help raise his hungry children.
But in the end, the real owner of the painting came back and stole it back.
And then, well, the poor man got nothing.
(MOUTHS) If my dad is in a fucking skip, I'm going to go fucking apeshit.
I have a theory about this so-called break-in.
Bear in mind that the ultra sonic scaler will be oscillating at between 20,000 and 40,000 hertz, so please be very careful.
When it comes to the actual scaling, I want you to start with some vertical scaling moving on through to horizontal scaling and when you get to the end of the scaling, I want you to move to oblique scaling You do know our TV was stolen? Oh, yeah.
Are you OK? You seem a bit Is that my skirt? Do you remember Al? The man who came to fix our lock.
The handyman? Yeah.
Kind of.
Why? What did you think of him? Er He seemed kind ofnormal? Yeah, he did, didn't he? What's his fucking motive? His motive is he's from Manchester.
As is his opportunity.
Whose motive? Howard here thinks that Al the Handyman is our burglar.
What? Think about it.
He was here.
He sees us.
The intellectual elite.
Living the high life.
He's like, oh, yeah.
I got to get me some of that.
Hmm? The window was smashed using our hammer.
There are particles of glass on the end that match the broken glass from the window.
Meaning? Meaning, whoever smashed the window was already inside the house.
It's literally an inside job.
Someone with keys.
That handyman is from Manchester! You just said you thought he was normal! He fixed our Chubb! With power tools! And he said that I could watch the footie round his.
Did he? Why the fuck would he say that, if he'd just burgled our house? So you think he was innocent! Mancunians might be criminals, but they are not stupid.
You can't patronise them.
We should all go with you.
To Al's.
To seehow he reacts.
No, girls! I've already texted the Stowe-Aways.
They can't believe I'm going to watch the footie with a Mancunian! I'm not a girl.
I know you're not a girl.
But no-one is coming with me.
I'm going native.
You lot would completely ruin my cover! TV COMMENTARY Guys, look! Check out this bad boy.
Motherfucker say whaaaat Get up! Come on.
It's great, isn't it, football? So much better than rugby.
I mean, who wants an oval ball when you can have a big, round bouncy one? Nice big TV, isn't it? We used to have quite a nice TV.
Before it got stolen.
Yeah, our TV was shit compared to this.
No, it wasn't.
I think I even had a picture of our stolen TV on my stolen camera.
Erm, Al, mate, I was just wondering whether you could keep an eye out for my dad? The burgled urn? Er - yeah, yeah, sure.
You know, just when you're down, your unlicensed minicab office or the chippie or crack den.
Oh! Oh! I bet they score while I go for a piss.
Look! Sit down! I don't know what you're hoping to achieve by this, but you're ruining my bonding sesh.
I want my camera back! And I want a mate! Bedroom's through here.
Howard, come back! For fuck's sake! Why are you even searching? You said he was innocent! I knew it! He stole my fucking power lead! Mine was a bit dirtier.
Look! Hang on a second.
JP.
I'm not being prejudiced, but how does a normal guy from Manchester afford a place like this? Oh, I don't know, maybe he did some work and got paid for it.
Can we just go, please? Oh, yeah! He smokes dope.
So do we.
Yeah, but he's old.
And it makes a difference when you're old.
Doesn't it, Vod? What are you doing? TOILET FLUSHES Shit! You OK there, Josie? Yep.
Now remember, she's still under local.
So she's got no feeling along this whole left side here.
So a nice gentle polish, OK? I'll be back in a few minutes to see how you're getting on.
OK? Thanks.
Thanks, Dr Minaj.
Right, erm, technically, this is my first real-life polish.
But your mouth looks a lot like the plastic mouth I practise on, so I think we'll be OK.
All right then, open up.
Wider! Oh, God.
Oh! OK, I'm just going to Erm, everything's totally fine.
I'm going to call my supervisor to see if I've done this right.
Dr Minaj? Dr Minaj! Erm, I'm not sure, have I done this right? How was the practical? Hm? Oh, yeah.
Great, really great.
(What's wrong with her?) Nothing.
She's fine.
Why? Why can't we go upstairs? You can.
I just I want to sit with Josie for a bit.
So, as you've all probably heard by now, Howard has worked out that whoever broke in must have had a key.
So we've come up with a bit of a list, erm, of people who, you know, could have done it.
Potentially.
Yeah, well, I think that's ridiculous, actually, Oregon.
To start accusing your own housemates of robbery! Erm, no-one in the house is on the list.
Oh.
Cool.
Yeah, carry on.
So.
The list is as follows Al the handyman No! Oh, God.
And that's, that's about it.
For the moment.
So you've made a list of Al the handyman.
So far, his is the only name on the list.
Yes.
I can't be a part of this.
Sorry.
I want to defend him, but love is preventing me from being objective.
If any of you have any other names you'd like to add, now might be the time.
It's not a shopping list, Oregon.
We can't just add names as they pop into our head.
Yeah, you're meant to have something called "evidence".
It's serious, what you're saying.
Well, it's serious what happened, Kingsley.
I know you only had your headphones stolen, but still.
And my £20 note? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot the sentimental value of your £20 note.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Oregon, that you got a whole new computer out of the insurance that I also paid for.
Guys! I don't hear you coming up with any better ideas, Kingsley.
And do you know what? If we need more evidence, we will get more evidence! Yeah, cos that's a really good way to solve crime, isn't it? Decide who's guilty and then find out some evidence.
I tell you what, why don't we just lock him in a dark room and torture him till he confesses? That might be quicker! Why Why are you writing that down? I'm going to my room.
Are you coming? No.
Fine! Listen, Howard, you better find some more names to put on your list, because I'll tell you this - Al is salt of the earth.
He's my squire.
You're not going to tell Kingsley about the burglary, are you? I'm sure he can keep a secret.
No, Heth, come on, you know what he's like! He'll want to do the right thing.
And you don't want us to do that.
I've been thinking - maybe we should just come clean.
You can't go soft on me now.
No-one even suspects.
It's just all getting a bit We have to ride this out together.
You and me - the Mental Dentals.
I don't think I realised we were going to be quite this mental.
I think he's the one.
Aw.
I finally understand Romeo and Juliet.
I thought that film was a load of shit when I saw it, but now? Look! I thought he'd have to come out and fix it.
But the accommodation office said it's not a summer term priority.
You know, I was thinking, what about if I flush a pair of jeans down the toilet? This is so weird.
I mean, here you are, falling in love with a criminal.
He's a handyman.
If anything, you're worse than me.
At least Tony's never been to prison.
Al's never been to prison.
We don't know that.
But that's not the point.
The point is You should do it.
Go out with Al! JP's got his number.
Just call him up.
Do you reckon? Yes! This whole break-from-love thing is totally working! I've become a sort of wise observer who lets others make their own mistakes.
And you're like the dick who can't see the disaster about to happen! I've already told you.
She got distressed.
I don't believe you.
You've been hiding something ever since your big night out.
Why won't you tell me? Where are you going? If you won't tell me, maybe she will.
She won't! Aha! So there's something to tell! No! You just admitted there was.
Right OK, OK, OK! Please! Please.
Don't talk to Josie.
She's a woman on the edge, OK? If I tell you, you have to promise you won't say anything to anyone.
You mean, like, it'll be our secret.
About Josie's secret.
Secret from everyone? Yeah.
If you like.
Do you promise? (WELSH ACCENT) "To start accusing your own housemates of robbery.
"Housemates.
"House-mates" SAXOPHONE MUSIC Hi.
Nice to see you.
Cheers.
Outrageous! SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC Can I have a packet of ready salted, please? PHONE VIBRATES What? See? She's really fragile.
TAPE MEASURE SLIDES What are you doing? I know who did it.
(BOTH) Who?! All will be revealed, my friends.
All will be revealed.
Could you reveal it now? All in good time, my friend.
Now? THE CARPENTERS: A Song For You I've been so many places in my life and time Uh, do you want me to take your coat? I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhymes I've acted out my love on stages With 10,00 people watching But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you I know your image of me is what I hope to be I've treated you unkindly But darling, can't you see There's no-one more important to me Darling, can't you please see through me? We're alone now and I'm singing this song for you You taught me precious secrets Of the truth, withholding nothing You came out in front And I was hiding But now I'm so much better And if my words don't come together Listen to the melody Cos my love is in there hiding Oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh I love you in a place where there's no space or time I love you, for in my life, you are a friend of mine (SNORES) We were alone and I was singing this song For you.
I've found the cure for love.
Sex.
Is the cure for love.
It's not like love needs an antidote.
Love is a poison! Sex is the cure.
PHONE VIBRATES Who's that? Hmm? It's him! Are you going to answer it, then? Why? OK, so he's not the one, then? No, I think he was a one.
One of the ones.
I just think there must be more than one one.
Where's Howard? I thought we were having a house meeting? This better not take long.
Hey, guys! Mind if I crash the house meeting? Why are you spending so much time at the library? I haven't got a computer.
I've got to work somewhere! Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming.
Two days ago, this house was subject to what the police referred to as a routine burglary.
However, it fell to me, Howard MacCallum, to uncover the cause of this mysterious break-in and to establish the guilt of the perpetrator responsible.
Sorry, just so you know, I've got a tutorial at 11, so Miss Nordstrom.
Since you're so keen to get away, where were you on the night in question? Hm? Shagging Bill.
In Withernsea.
Phil.
She says she was with a man all night and yet she doesn't remember his name.
Yeah, what's your fucking point? You know what I mean? Which brings us to you, Miss Shawcross! So very keen to accuse Al the handyman.
Why is that, do we think? Because you told me he did it.
Or was I just testing you? Er, Howard.
I hope you're not going to tell me he hasn't done it.
I already called the accommodation office and reported him.
(JP) What the fuck? You fucking wanker.
What if I was still in love with him? I thought you were in love with a criminal.
I wasprotecting you.
And did I mention the hammer that was used in the break-in? It was sitting on the desk in the room of none other than Mr Pembersley.
Er, yeah.
I was using it to hang up my Hockney.
Which begs the question, who knew where the hammer was? Which brings us to you, Mr Owen and the lovely Heather.
Aw.
He admitted he was jealous of his friends' possessions.
Perhaps the constant bickering of this "loving couple" Now just a second! .
.
is nothing more than a cover-up for a plan they hatched together? Kingsley! And what about the delightful Miss Jones? Such an innocent face.
What about me? Don't think it escaped the attention of Howard MacCallum that you came home that night with no keys.
I was pissed.
I left them in my room.
And could you fetch them now? If we asked you to? Course I could.
Which leaves only one housemate, who has not yet quivered under the scrutiny of this great analytical mind.
You? Yes! No, no, I'mI'm talking about Sabine! The "adult" whose wholesome European exterior belies a cold-hearted, ruthless vixen who thinks nothing of exploiting innocent young men to satisfy her own sexual depravity.
Howard.
Does anyone know who is always the number one suspect in a murder investigation? The Dutch.
The person who finds the body? Precisely.
The person who finds the body.
Right.
What the fuck is your problem? You need to go back in there and tell them what you did.
Or I will.
And before you say you didn't do anything, Heather told me.
Are you just going to let them think it was Sabine? You are going to let an innocent woman go to the chair for something you did? They don't send burglars to the chair.
You know what I mean.
What you're doing's wrong.
I really thought you were better than that! I fucked everything up.
Ohdear.
Don't cry.
I'm sure you haven't.
You just said that I had! Come here.
(SOBS) I'm a really terrible person.
I've done really, really terrible things! Ssh.
It's not that bad.
We're just having a hug.
A house hug.
Come in! There's always room for one more in the hug! You owe me a MacBook and a camera and you owe Kingsley £20.
I'm really sorry, Oregon.
Yeah.
And you owe me £200,000, an irreplaceable David Hockney, a room full of family heirlooms and my fucking dad! When do you think you're going to be able to pay that back? Huh? Hey.
DOORBELL End of the day, Josie only did what any sane person would do.
OK? So, Glasshouse, don't cast the first stone at the fucking kettle black.
Um, this man is here to remove a pair of jeans from the toilet? What happened to Al? Oh, uh, he got accused of being involved in a burglary or something.
I mean, he's innocent if you ask me, but you know what they say.
Mud sticks.
Oh! Hello.
Again.
It's you.
Er, I just thought, you know, maybe she had money troubles or depression.
Maybe it wasn't necessarily because of a man that sheyou know.
It was, actually.
Oh.
Her dad was a complete cunt.
Great! I'm Dylan.
I'm O I'm Melissa.
Nah, mate, what you want to do is unscrew the Allen head bolt with a screw blade, and then the lugs have got socket heads on them.
Ah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Well I'm about to get upset from watching my TV Been checking out the news until my eyeballs fail to see I mean to say that every day is just another rotten mess And when it's going to change, my friend, is anybody's guess So I'm watching and I'm waiting Hoping for the best Even think I'll go to praying every time I hear 'em saying That there's no way to delay that trouble coming every day.
Aw, thanks, babe.
We won't be late back.
It's just a couple of quiet pints down the local and an early night.
Yeah? Yeah Get the fuck in here, bitch! It's tequila slammer time! This programme contains very strong language and scenes of a sexual nature.
KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.
Toilet seems fine now.
Any problems, just give the office a shout.
Don't be scared, I've done this before Show me your teeth Show me your teeth Don't want no money Want your money That shit's ugly Just want your sex Want your sex Take a bite of my bad girl meat Bad girl meat Show me your teeth Let me see, you're mean MUSIC HEARD THROUGH WALLS KNOCKS ON DOOR Oh, you all right, nutsack, what's happening? How about a boys' night? Woah, look at your room.
I thought you were leaving all your dad's stuff behind.
Yeah, I was.
But then I changed my mind, decided to salvage a few key items.
You know, family heirlooms.
So, boys' night? You know.
Pub.
Sit in a corner.
Compare mobile phone talk plans.
What's this? Ah, so you've, er, spotted my Hockney.
Little christening present from the man himself.
No way.
Yessa What is it? It's a baby, is it? Sitting by a tree? Dude.
It's a man having a wank.
Oh Yeah.
Clearly.
Why would he give you a picture of a man having a wank for a christening present? Why would he not? Ah.
Now, I'm not trying to be rude, But, hey pretty girl, I'm feeling you The way you do the things you do You didn't invite "the lying Dutchwoman" did you? What? She who calls herself Sabine.
Do you meanSabine? I thought she was in Rotterdam? Who knows where she is? Well, I don't think she's back yet.
And anyway, I didn't invite her.
Because it's a boys' night! (SHOUTS) Only boys allowed! Woah! Yeah! Yeah! Boys' night! Yeah! Da, da, da, da, daa.
Da da, da, da daa Oy, oy, oy I haven't been on a boys' night out for ages.
Cheers, Kingsley.
I thought we were going to get fucking hooned and cause a ruckus.
Play a bit of cock or ball? Cock or ball? Oh, it's great.
Basically we take it in turns to show a little slither of flesh through our flies and then the others have to guess whether it's shaft or scrot.
I'd be up for that.
It's not the same.
Why hasn't Heather texted back? I don't know.
Why would I know? It's been like five seconds.
Maybe she's on the toilet.
Oregon, fresh cock at six o'clock.
No.
I'm taking a break from all that love stuff.
What? Why? Look at them.
They are pretty hot.
Kingsley! I can't! I've got to keep my head down and focus on Jean and Rhombus and not get distracted by men and their bullshit.
Woah.
No sexism on the boys' night.
Oh, well.
All the more for me.
OK.
Let's think of all the girls that we know and rate their norks on a scale of one to ten.
Ten.
Nine.
Seven LAUGHING I can't walk in these bloody heels.
Josie, Josie! What? Come on.
If you get there past nine you have to pay a fiver! I'm coming, I'm coming.
I don't mind her having friends.
But shouldn't I come first? No.
Yes.
OK, maybe not first.
But we should be equal.
Or am I wrong? Yes.
No.
I should text her again.
Maybe she didn't get the first one.
No! Maybe just let her get on with her night? I want to remind her not to use an unlicensed cab.
You've told her once, she'll remember.
Maybe she hasn't called because she's met someone else.
Maybe you're really insecure.
Maybe we should get some Jagermeister! Maybe she's just using you for a fuck buddy.
As though your penis is just some kind of pleasure stick, an incredibly realistic vibrator with an inconvenient human attachment.
MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES Fucking Orange.
Stop texting me, Orange.
Sure you don't want to change your mind? Very sure.
I'm going outside.
And I may be some time.
Erm, does anyone want to hear some of my poetry? Oh, fucking hell, this boys' night is bullshit! I just feel like, once you decide to extract the tooth, It's kind of like you're giving up.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God I'm sure it'll be fine.
They'll be in the door - just where you left them.
Fuck.
And you know what the worst thing is, if the key was in the door You said the keys were in the door.
Like I said, if the keys were in the door Which they were.
.
.
the insurance company won't pay.
You've got insurance? That's good! I made everyone get it, just in case.
.
.
you left the keys in the door? No! Shut up! Look it has to be a proper burglary.
It has to be not your fault.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
So, basically, I'm fucked.
Unless Hello? Godverdomme.
The main things are my MacBook and my camera.
Oh, my God! They've got all my photos.
From the whole of uni.
They're probably sitting somewhere now going through my whole life.
Probably posting my cool photos on their Facebook, pretending to be me.
Who always locks her room? And who consequently has had nothing stolen? I don't lock my room, Sabine.
Officer, I think you should write this down, it's probably an important clue.
If this is a routine burglary, right, how come they didn't take my laptop? Is there something in particular about your laptop, sir? Is there Ah.
How's about this for an answer - I've added 16 gig to the motherboard? And it's operating on Ubuntu.
Does that answer your question? BUZZER LAUGHTER Hi I've forgotten my key.
Are you OK, babe? What's happened? 'All my DVDs.
' iPod.
iPad.
iMac.
A miniature French carriage clock.
A solid set of silver German pickle forks.
An Edwardian solitaire set.
A mother of pearl bookmark.
My David Hockney.
You do realise it's against the law to fabricate stolen goods in order to claim off your insurance, sir? It was just a sketch.
It was only worth a couple of hundred.
What's it a sketch of? It's a baby sitting by a tree.
Er, no, it's not.
It's of a man, having a - you know I'm pretty sure it's a baby.
It was a Christening present.
OK, whatever.
Just put down "abstract-baby-wanking picture".
You reckon it was worth £200? Oh, dear, we clearly don't do art history lessons at police academy, do we? It's a David Hockney.
I meant a couple of hundred thousand.
Anything else, sir? Yeah.
Just one more thing.
They stole my dad.
Come on, babe, you can't still be in a mood.
I'm not in a mood.
Why do you think I'm in a mood? Oh, God, get over it, Grandad.
We had a girls' night out! Why is she in our bed? Babe! Josie didn't want to be on her own last night.
There's nothing weird about her sharing our bed.
She's my friend! Yeah, Kingsley, what's your problem? My problem Myproblem is you two are meant to have some sort of important practical today, and look at the state of you! We're fine.
We didn't even drink that much.
Did we, Josie? Oh, God, oh, is that noise in my head? You're not listening, Mummy.
I didn't lose Daddy.
He was stolen.
By thieves.
Well, I don't know why! Presumably to cut their speed with.
Who the fuck is that man? Are you OK? You do know we've been burgled? Yeah, well, what are you all doing now? Oregon? I'm going to the library.
Josie? I've got a practical.
You.
It has to be you.
Keep that man here till I come back down.
Do not let him leave this house.
It must be so difficult.
Oh, no, mate, it's easy.
You just, er, you just unscrew the socket head bolt with an Allen key wrench.
And, erm, the blades have got like, erm, mounting lugs? Er, so once they're engaged, you just tighten the socket head bolt.
Ta, mate.
Mounting lugs.
Wow.
KNOCK Ready? I had a shower, but I think that I might still smell like I've been on a bender.
Do I? Yes.
Right, hold these.
We'll get you a strong coffee on the way into college.
OK? Ready? I mean, yah, sure, I'm privileged.
No-one's saying that I'm not.
But they stole my dad, my actual dad.
I can't just buy another one.
It's bang out of order, mate.
Yeah.
You're right, it is bang out of order.
Gentlenodes.
Ermare youOK, Vod? What's wrong with you? I think I might've got .
.
love.
Do you need some help? Oh, you write poetry? Cool.
I just did my thesis on Anne Sexton.
To love another is something like prayer and can't be planned.
You just fall into its arms Because your belief undoes your disbelief You know she killed herself? Probably over a man.
What's that? Er, my dad, obviously.
I'm making myself a replacement urn.
It's not the same, but it's nearly the same.
You know what you could try? A skip.
I saw this programme, there was a man who found these items of a burglary dumped in a skip.
And one of those items was a very valuable painting.
And it was worth, like, 50s of thousands.
And he was a very poor man.
And he, and he wanted to auction it to help raise his hungry children.
But in the end, the real owner of the painting came back and stole it back.
And then, well, the poor man got nothing.
(MOUTHS) If my dad is in a fucking skip, I'm going to go fucking apeshit.
I have a theory about this so-called break-in.
Bear in mind that the ultra sonic scaler will be oscillating at between 20,000 and 40,000 hertz, so please be very careful.
When it comes to the actual scaling, I want you to start with some vertical scaling moving on through to horizontal scaling and when you get to the end of the scaling, I want you to move to oblique scaling You do know our TV was stolen? Oh, yeah.
Are you OK? You seem a bit Is that my skirt? Do you remember Al? The man who came to fix our lock.
The handyman? Yeah.
Kind of.
Why? What did you think of him? Er He seemed kind ofnormal? Yeah, he did, didn't he? What's his fucking motive? His motive is he's from Manchester.
As is his opportunity.
Whose motive? Howard here thinks that Al the Handyman is our burglar.
What? Think about it.
He was here.
He sees us.
The intellectual elite.
Living the high life.
He's like, oh, yeah.
I got to get me some of that.
Hmm? The window was smashed using our hammer.
There are particles of glass on the end that match the broken glass from the window.
Meaning? Meaning, whoever smashed the window was already inside the house.
It's literally an inside job.
Someone with keys.
That handyman is from Manchester! You just said you thought he was normal! He fixed our Chubb! With power tools! And he said that I could watch the footie round his.
Did he? Why the fuck would he say that, if he'd just burgled our house? So you think he was innocent! Mancunians might be criminals, but they are not stupid.
You can't patronise them.
We should all go with you.
To Al's.
To seehow he reacts.
No, girls! I've already texted the Stowe-Aways.
They can't believe I'm going to watch the footie with a Mancunian! I'm not a girl.
I know you're not a girl.
But no-one is coming with me.
I'm going native.
You lot would completely ruin my cover! TV COMMENTARY Guys, look! Check out this bad boy.
Motherfucker say whaaaat Get up! Come on.
It's great, isn't it, football? So much better than rugby.
I mean, who wants an oval ball when you can have a big, round bouncy one? Nice big TV, isn't it? We used to have quite a nice TV.
Before it got stolen.
Yeah, our TV was shit compared to this.
No, it wasn't.
I think I even had a picture of our stolen TV on my stolen camera.
Erm, Al, mate, I was just wondering whether you could keep an eye out for my dad? The burgled urn? Er - yeah, yeah, sure.
You know, just when you're down, your unlicensed minicab office or the chippie or crack den.
Oh! Oh! I bet they score while I go for a piss.
Look! Sit down! I don't know what you're hoping to achieve by this, but you're ruining my bonding sesh.
I want my camera back! And I want a mate! Bedroom's through here.
Howard, come back! For fuck's sake! Why are you even searching? You said he was innocent! I knew it! He stole my fucking power lead! Mine was a bit dirtier.
Look! Hang on a second.
JP.
I'm not being prejudiced, but how does a normal guy from Manchester afford a place like this? Oh, I don't know, maybe he did some work and got paid for it.
Can we just go, please? Oh, yeah! He smokes dope.
So do we.
Yeah, but he's old.
And it makes a difference when you're old.
Doesn't it, Vod? What are you doing? TOILET FLUSHES Shit! You OK there, Josie? Yep.
Now remember, she's still under local.
So she's got no feeling along this whole left side here.
So a nice gentle polish, OK? I'll be back in a few minutes to see how you're getting on.
OK? Thanks.
Thanks, Dr Minaj.
Right, erm, technically, this is my first real-life polish.
But your mouth looks a lot like the plastic mouth I practise on, so I think we'll be OK.
All right then, open up.
Wider! Oh, God.
Oh! OK, I'm just going to Erm, everything's totally fine.
I'm going to call my supervisor to see if I've done this right.
Dr Minaj? Dr Minaj! Erm, I'm not sure, have I done this right? How was the practical? Hm? Oh, yeah.
Great, really great.
(What's wrong with her?) Nothing.
She's fine.
Why? Why can't we go upstairs? You can.
I just I want to sit with Josie for a bit.
So, as you've all probably heard by now, Howard has worked out that whoever broke in must have had a key.
So we've come up with a bit of a list, erm, of people who, you know, could have done it.
Potentially.
Yeah, well, I think that's ridiculous, actually, Oregon.
To start accusing your own housemates of robbery! Erm, no-one in the house is on the list.
Oh.
Cool.
Yeah, carry on.
So.
The list is as follows Al the handyman No! Oh, God.
And that's, that's about it.
For the moment.
So you've made a list of Al the handyman.
So far, his is the only name on the list.
Yes.
I can't be a part of this.
Sorry.
I want to defend him, but love is preventing me from being objective.
If any of you have any other names you'd like to add, now might be the time.
It's not a shopping list, Oregon.
We can't just add names as they pop into our head.
Yeah, you're meant to have something called "evidence".
It's serious, what you're saying.
Well, it's serious what happened, Kingsley.
I know you only had your headphones stolen, but still.
And my £20 note? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot the sentimental value of your £20 note.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Oregon, that you got a whole new computer out of the insurance that I also paid for.
Guys! I don't hear you coming up with any better ideas, Kingsley.
And do you know what? If we need more evidence, we will get more evidence! Yeah, cos that's a really good way to solve crime, isn't it? Decide who's guilty and then find out some evidence.
I tell you what, why don't we just lock him in a dark room and torture him till he confesses? That might be quicker! Why Why are you writing that down? I'm going to my room.
Are you coming? No.
Fine! Listen, Howard, you better find some more names to put on your list, because I'll tell you this - Al is salt of the earth.
He's my squire.
You're not going to tell Kingsley about the burglary, are you? I'm sure he can keep a secret.
No, Heth, come on, you know what he's like! He'll want to do the right thing.
And you don't want us to do that.
I've been thinking - maybe we should just come clean.
You can't go soft on me now.
No-one even suspects.
It's just all getting a bit We have to ride this out together.
You and me - the Mental Dentals.
I don't think I realised we were going to be quite this mental.
I think he's the one.
Aw.
I finally understand Romeo and Juliet.
I thought that film was a load of shit when I saw it, but now? Look! I thought he'd have to come out and fix it.
But the accommodation office said it's not a summer term priority.
You know, I was thinking, what about if I flush a pair of jeans down the toilet? This is so weird.
I mean, here you are, falling in love with a criminal.
He's a handyman.
If anything, you're worse than me.
At least Tony's never been to prison.
Al's never been to prison.
We don't know that.
But that's not the point.
The point is You should do it.
Go out with Al! JP's got his number.
Just call him up.
Do you reckon? Yes! This whole break-from-love thing is totally working! I've become a sort of wise observer who lets others make their own mistakes.
And you're like the dick who can't see the disaster about to happen! I've already told you.
She got distressed.
I don't believe you.
You've been hiding something ever since your big night out.
Why won't you tell me? Where are you going? If you won't tell me, maybe she will.
She won't! Aha! So there's something to tell! No! You just admitted there was.
Right OK, OK, OK! Please! Please.
Don't talk to Josie.
She's a woman on the edge, OK? If I tell you, you have to promise you won't say anything to anyone.
You mean, like, it'll be our secret.
About Josie's secret.
Secret from everyone? Yeah.
If you like.
Do you promise? (WELSH ACCENT) "To start accusing your own housemates of robbery.
"Housemates.
"House-mates" SAXOPHONE MUSIC Hi.
Nice to see you.
Cheers.
Outrageous! SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC Can I have a packet of ready salted, please? PHONE VIBRATES What? See? She's really fragile.
TAPE MEASURE SLIDES What are you doing? I know who did it.
(BOTH) Who?! All will be revealed, my friends.
All will be revealed.
Could you reveal it now? All in good time, my friend.
Now? THE CARPENTERS: A Song For You I've been so many places in my life and time Uh, do you want me to take your coat? I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhymes I've acted out my love on stages With 10,00 people watching But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you I know your image of me is what I hope to be I've treated you unkindly But darling, can't you see There's no-one more important to me Darling, can't you please see through me? We're alone now and I'm singing this song for you You taught me precious secrets Of the truth, withholding nothing You came out in front And I was hiding But now I'm so much better And if my words don't come together Listen to the melody Cos my love is in there hiding Oo-oo-oo-oo-ooh I love you in a place where there's no space or time I love you, for in my life, you are a friend of mine (SNORES) We were alone and I was singing this song For you.
I've found the cure for love.
Sex.
Is the cure for love.
It's not like love needs an antidote.
Love is a poison! Sex is the cure.
PHONE VIBRATES Who's that? Hmm? It's him! Are you going to answer it, then? Why? OK, so he's not the one, then? No, I think he was a one.
One of the ones.
I just think there must be more than one one.
Where's Howard? I thought we were having a house meeting? This better not take long.
Hey, guys! Mind if I crash the house meeting? Why are you spending so much time at the library? I haven't got a computer.
I've got to work somewhere! Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming.
Two days ago, this house was subject to what the police referred to as a routine burglary.
However, it fell to me, Howard MacCallum, to uncover the cause of this mysterious break-in and to establish the guilt of the perpetrator responsible.
Sorry, just so you know, I've got a tutorial at 11, so Miss Nordstrom.
Since you're so keen to get away, where were you on the night in question? Hm? Shagging Bill.
In Withernsea.
Phil.
She says she was with a man all night and yet she doesn't remember his name.
Yeah, what's your fucking point? You know what I mean? Which brings us to you, Miss Shawcross! So very keen to accuse Al the handyman.
Why is that, do we think? Because you told me he did it.
Or was I just testing you? Er, Howard.
I hope you're not going to tell me he hasn't done it.
I already called the accommodation office and reported him.
(JP) What the fuck? You fucking wanker.
What if I was still in love with him? I thought you were in love with a criminal.
I wasprotecting you.
And did I mention the hammer that was used in the break-in? It was sitting on the desk in the room of none other than Mr Pembersley.
Er, yeah.
I was using it to hang up my Hockney.
Which begs the question, who knew where the hammer was? Which brings us to you, Mr Owen and the lovely Heather.
Aw.
He admitted he was jealous of his friends' possessions.
Perhaps the constant bickering of this "loving couple" Now just a second! .
.
is nothing more than a cover-up for a plan they hatched together? Kingsley! And what about the delightful Miss Jones? Such an innocent face.
What about me? Don't think it escaped the attention of Howard MacCallum that you came home that night with no keys.
I was pissed.
I left them in my room.
And could you fetch them now? If we asked you to? Course I could.
Which leaves only one housemate, who has not yet quivered under the scrutiny of this great analytical mind.
You? Yes! No, no, I'mI'm talking about Sabine! The "adult" whose wholesome European exterior belies a cold-hearted, ruthless vixen who thinks nothing of exploiting innocent young men to satisfy her own sexual depravity.
Howard.
Does anyone know who is always the number one suspect in a murder investigation? The Dutch.
The person who finds the body? Precisely.
The person who finds the body.
Right.
What the fuck is your problem? You need to go back in there and tell them what you did.
Or I will.
And before you say you didn't do anything, Heather told me.
Are you just going to let them think it was Sabine? You are going to let an innocent woman go to the chair for something you did? They don't send burglars to the chair.
You know what I mean.
What you're doing's wrong.
I really thought you were better than that! I fucked everything up.
Ohdear.
Don't cry.
I'm sure you haven't.
You just said that I had! Come here.
(SOBS) I'm a really terrible person.
I've done really, really terrible things! Ssh.
It's not that bad.
We're just having a hug.
A house hug.
Come in! There's always room for one more in the hug! You owe me a MacBook and a camera and you owe Kingsley £20.
I'm really sorry, Oregon.
Yeah.
And you owe me £200,000, an irreplaceable David Hockney, a room full of family heirlooms and my fucking dad! When do you think you're going to be able to pay that back? Huh? Hey.
DOORBELL End of the day, Josie only did what any sane person would do.
OK? So, Glasshouse, don't cast the first stone at the fucking kettle black.
Um, this man is here to remove a pair of jeans from the toilet? What happened to Al? Oh, uh, he got accused of being involved in a burglary or something.
I mean, he's innocent if you ask me, but you know what they say.
Mud sticks.
Oh! Hello.
Again.
It's you.
Er, I just thought, you know, maybe she had money troubles or depression.
Maybe it wasn't necessarily because of a man that sheyou know.
It was, actually.
Oh.
Her dad was a complete cunt.
Great! I'm Dylan.
I'm O I'm Melissa.
Nah, mate, what you want to do is unscrew the Allen head bolt with a screw blade, and then the lugs have got socket heads on them.
Ah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Well I'm about to get upset from watching my TV Been checking out the news until my eyeballs fail to see I mean to say that every day is just another rotten mess And when it's going to change, my friend, is anybody's guess So I'm watching and I'm waiting Hoping for the best Even think I'll go to praying every time I hear 'em saying That there's no way to delay that trouble coming every day.