Full House s02e05 Episode Script

Isn't Patrick Swayze cute? Funny.
Not funny.
Yuck.
[KEYBOARD PLAYING.]
You got all a man would need You fill my soul with sweet desire And I'm singing to a tire I'm singing to a tire.
Come on, this is your job.
Think! Think! You don't kill bugs anymore, you write advertising jingles.
You've sold one.
One.
All right, I need some inspiration.
I need.
Sam.
Sammy.
Samala.
My main man, speak to me.
Who can turn a lug nut? - Who is it? - It's me, Stephanie Tanner.
Uncle Jesse, this is my friend, Harry.
- Hello, Harry.
- Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Harry's in my class.
He sits next to the crayon bin.
That's very impressive.
Listen, I've got two hours to write a jingle for Fred's Tire Town, so let me work.
I can help.
In school, I wrote a poem about milk.
It made me want a cookie real bad.
Stephanie, I'm involved in the creation of a very sophisticated musical composition-- See if this sparks anything.
It goes like this.
[HUMMING.]
Fred's Tire Town How about this.
It's a very, very, very, very, very, very Very nice place She's done it again.
JESSE: All right, thanks for trying.
Let's go.
Anybody who's not me, out of the room.
Goodbye.
Nice meeting you, Harry.
Jess.
You will not believe what Michelle just said: "Poo-poo.
" Thank you for sharing that with me, Joseph.
Jess, this kid is not all talk.
First she said it and then she did it.
I called Danny at work.
He said it's a sure sign - Michelle is ready for potty training.
- All right, high-five, Michelle.
High-five.
So how's the tire jingle coming? Joseph, I've lost it, man.
I'm all dried up.
I got jingle block.
Jess, lighten up.
It'll come to you.
Hey, look, Michelle, a picture of a tire.
Look.
Isn't that a cool tire? Huh? Yeah, it's, like, totally radial, dude.
Get out.
Go.
Get out.
MICHELLE: Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
"Totally radial, dude.
" Totally radial-- You think? It's funny.
Totally radial.
It's kind of hooky, actually.
Totally radial.
You got me! Master of the Universe, your tea is ready.
I'm not Master of the Universe anymore.
I'm G.
I.
Joe.
And G.
I.
Joe doesn't drink tea.
He does when he plays house with me.
Got it, chief.
Sweet'N Low, Joe? This tea is poison! Freeze, nerd-bombers! Up, up, up, up! Better keep away from my stuff.
I got back from karate class, and I'm pumped.
You're just jealous because I have a boyfriend and you don't.
You're dreaming.
You don't have a boyfriend.
- It so happens I do.
- Who? Him.
Me? You're a boy.
You're my friend.
That makes you my boyfriend.
Got it, chief.
More tea, soldier? I'm never having kids.
Joey! Joey! - Yeah? What is it? - Where's Michelle? - Where is my little genius? - Well, last time I saw Madame Curie she was licking squash off the highchair.
- She's taking a nap.
- Look at this.
The latest high-tech potty.
It's Japanese, it's state-of-the-art and it's digital.
Wow, it's all happening so fast.
Potty training.
Pretty soon, Michelle will be off to school.
- Meeting boys.
- Going to the prom.
Getting married.
You know, we ought to think about having another one.
The kid's back.
- You sold the jingle? - Yes, sir! - Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Hey! It's totally radial at Fred's Tire Town "Totally radial.
" That's pretty clever, Jesse.
- Don't look at me, Joey came up with it.
- I did? Of course I did.
Thanks to you, Joseph, I have a check for $827 and half of it, my friend, is yours.
Wow, thanks, Jess.
That is very generous of you.
But you know what's really important to me is that I get it in cash.
- I'm glad I could help.
JESSE: You did more than that.
You snapped me out of my jingle slump.
I almost feel like hugging you.
Almost.
You know, this is so great.
Guys, listen to me.
We should celebrate.
Let's all go out for nonfat frozen yogurt.
Before we get down and get totally funky there's one more piece of good news.
The, uh, the agency's giving me a shot at a national commercial.
It's this thing for Kitty Krispies cat food.
Got to come up with a funny-type jingle thing.
So, Joey, if you have a little time and you'd like to do a little work together maybe, I don't know, you and I could become-- - Yes! - Partners.
- Yes! - You wanna do it, Joey? - I don't know.
- Get out, Joey! - Of course I will.
JESSE: All right, good.
I really need you on this jingle.
This could make my career take off.
We'll make a great team.
Yeah, we'll be like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, huh? - Great.
Can I be Butch? - Not in that shirt.
Now, Michelle, with any luck this is something you'll be doing the rest of your life.
Now, watch closely.
Potty Polly sits down.
And she makes the bell go "ding, ding.
" And then she gets a cookie.
Hat.
Hat.
No, no, bad hat.
Not a big hit in the Easter parade.
Let's try some different musical styles.
- Let's do a little reggae, boy.
- Oh, yeah, man.
Yeah, man.
One, two.
Day-o We eat the cat food every day-o We got that out of our system.
- You got that, man.
- All right, let's try a little-- Like a conga thing.
Like a.
Like this.
[DRUMMING.]
That's it.
Do we like this music? Do we like this music? I think I threw my back out All right.
Come on, let's get back to our roots.
Let's get a little rock 'n' roll going here.
Kind of like: Yeah.
Oh, big daddy, now, this music says cat food.
All right, good.
That's the style.
That's the motif.
Now, what we need are some words.
Lucky for me, my partner happens to be the King of Comedy.
Ready, Joey? Be funny.
Hey, what a great audience.
So where you from? Cut it out.
Get out of here.
Come on, Joey, I need like-- Something catchy, like this "totally radial" thing you got for me.
But I need it to be cat-food funny.
Okay, ready? Be funny.
Okay, cats.
Funny cat food.
- Funny cats, funny cats.
- Funnier.
Funnier.
Two cats walk into a bar.
Take my cat, please.
A priest, a rabbi and a cat are sitting in a rowboat.
- Joey, that's not funny.
- It's not me, it's the room.
It's like working a telethon.
We need a funny room.
We'll go to my room.
- My room is the funny room.
- All right, fine.
Now! - Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ice cream race bad idea.
Funny room, funny room Everyone's going to the funny room I love coming here.
Stephanie, I was saving those ice cream bars for me and Kimmy.
They're mine.
Well, they don't have your name on them.
Yes they do.
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
- Here, D.
J.
- Stephanie! You're always messing up my stuff.
I warned you, and I'm gonna get you back.
You won't know when it's coming and you won't know how it's coming, but it's coming.
Can you see why she doesn't have a boyfriend? - Warm up the funny bone a little bit.
- Good.
[IMITATING CARTOON CHARACTERS.]
: Hello.
Ooh, I hate that rabbit.
And now something we hope you really like.
Thanks, Rocky.
[LAUGHING.]
How embarrassing.
I love you, Spartacus.
All right.
Now, that's funny.
Here, think cat food.
- Go ahead.
- Okay, okay.
I got it.
A duet.
- A guy sings with his cat.
- That's good, Joey.
All right, let me give you a little music here.
So it goes like, uh.
[HUMMING.]
Well, I went to my cat the other day - Wait.
You'll be the guy.
I'll be the cat.
- Love it.
- I'll sing in a cat voice.
- Love it.
- When we go in, I'll wear a cat suit.
- I hate it.
Come on, partner.
I can get a cat costume.
My friend was in a Broadway play.
What the heck was the name of it again? - Cats.
- That's the one! Joseph, tomorrow morning, we're going in to make a presentation to a very important advertising agency.
Now, it's gonna be a room full of serious suits and ties.
We can't go acting like amateurs.
Trust me, I'm a professional.
Hey, trust me, I am a professional too.
Jess, they want a funny jingle.
Let's go in there and be funny.
Give me that.
- No cat suit.
- How about just ears and a tail? Joseph, this is no joke, now.
You look me in the eye and promise me no cat suit.
I promise, no cat suit.
Thank you.
So I guess a 6-foot ball of yarn is out of the quest--? JESSE: My partner should be here any moment.
But in the meantime, can I get you anything? Freshen up your coffee? Sharpen your pencils? Yeah, you look like a happy crowd.
- Right this way, Mr.
Gladstone.
- Oh, good.
Hi, Joey.
- This is my partner, Joseph Gladstone.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
Great.
My partner and I have worked long and hard to come up with a campaign that we feel has strong consumer appeal.
May I present.
A cat puppet? A cat puppet.
Joseph, I think you and I have to have a little talk.
Right after this word from Kitty Krispies.
No-- Well, I went to my cat the other day And asked him what he'd like to eat I said, "I'm sick of that junk You're feeding me How about a brand-new treat?" He said, "I'm sick of that junk You're feeding me How about a brand-new treat?" So I went to the supermarket To find that special blend I said, "Buy me those Kitty Krispies, man And I'll be your best friend" He said, "Buy me those Kitty Krispies, man And I'll be your best friend" [MEOWING.]
Now me and my cat are buddies We really do get along I serve him cases and cases Of Krispies now And all we do is sing this song We serve him cases and cases Of Krispies now And all we do is sing this song Now my little kitty Is sitting really pretty Eating Kitty Krispies now DANNY: Come here, you little food processor.
I got you.
Don't worry, no more potty training today.
All I really want is for you to be happy get good grades and get into an Ivy League college.
Of course, most major universities do want you to be potty trained.
Give me a kiss.
Aw.
Daddy! Look what D.
J.
did.
I did it for your own good.
Boy, are you gonna get it.
Okay, Daddy, ready? On your mark, get set, punish.
She's always messing with my stuff.
I had to teach her a lesson.
I'll take it from here, okay? Stephanie.
Honey, you know that we need to treat each other's property with respect.
And, D.
J.
, in this family, we do not tie together each other's shoes.
Unless there's some kind of weird emergency.
- Okay.
STEPH: Sure.
Red light.
What's our rule after we fight? - Never walk away angry.
- Never walk away angry.
Very good.
Now, go ahead and apologize.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Now, D.
J.
, help Stephanie untie her shoes.
Poo-poo.
Poo-poo? Oh, Michelle.
Oh, I'll tell you what why don't we just mosey on upstairs and, you know, just sit down, maybe on the potty and thumb through some college catalogues.
Okay, D.
J.
, you heard the man, untie my shoes.
The man said "help" untie your shoes.
Here's some help: start with the little white sneaker.
- You have to untie them too.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
- You do.
- No, I don't.
You do.
JOEY: No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't! - Yes, you did! - No, I didn't! - Yes, you did! - Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
See what you started.
Why do I get all the blame for this, huh? They said, "Thank you, but we're going another way.
" Which is advertising lingo for: "Put your puppet where the sun don't shine.
" - I took a risk.
I dared to be silly.
- Why didn't you tell me before you dared to be silly? You promised.
I kept my promise.
I did not wear a cat suit.
You wore a cat suit on your hand.
And you stabbed me in the back with it.
Jess, this is not that big a deal.
You're not really mad at me.
There's something else bothering you.
So, what is your problem, really? My problem: I'm living in the same house with you.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Maybe we don't need three fathers.
Haven't you ever seen My Two Dads? Two is all you need.
- All right, fine with me.
- Fine with me! - Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
JOEY: This is ridiculous.
D.
J.
, they sound really mad.
Are they gonna get a divorce? Not if we get them to make up.
You get Uncle Jesse, and I'll get Joey.
We'll all meet back in our room.
You have a great mind, D.
J.
If you could only use it for good.
I'm sure there are no monsters in your closet, but I'll check for you.
I don't believe you broke a window.
I don't believe it, because it's not broken.
Well, well, well, look who's here.
Well, well, well, look who's leaving.
- I'm out of here.
- Red light.
We have a rule in this house: never walk away angry.
So say you're sorry to each other.
Please? - Sorry.
- Sorry.
That was pathetic.
[KNOCKING.]
I don't wanna get anybody's hopes up but Michelle is on the verge of a major breakthrough.
[BELL RINGING.]
Oh, my God, we're missing it.
Michelle, we did it.
That's my big girl.
[CHEERING.]
All right, Michelle! You're one step closer to a diaper-free world.
Come on, little mouse.
I'll get you ready and we'll all go out and celebrate.
[LAUGHING.]
JESSE: Isn't that little pumpkin something.
Did you see her with that magazine? Was that too cute or what? Does this mean you're not gonna get a divorce? - Divorce? What are you talking about? - You said there were too many dads here.
You guys heard us fighting, huh? We don't want anybody to leave.
Uh, we need to talk.
JESSE: Come on, let's sit down.
Girls, nobody is leaving this house.
Right.
We just had a little fight.
You see, sometimes in the heat of the moment you say things that you don't really mean.
You know that, you guys fight all the time.
We're sisters, we're supposed to fight.
It's our job.
Well, same with us, we fight like brothers.
You mean that? You think of me like a brother? Well, you definitely irritate me like a brother.
Jess, that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Well, we help raise these kids together do the laundry together, we make school lunches together.
Somewhere along the line, we became brothers.
Housewives.
I'm sorry about springing that puppet on you.
I thought it would be a big hit.
I was trying to surprise you.
I guess I should've talked to you about it first.
Ah, it was cute.
I'm sorry for getting crazy, Joey.
Joey, you know that thing you said about something else was bothering me? You're right.
I'm scared.
- You're scared? - Scared of what? Scared of not making it.
You don't know how hard it was to break away from my father leave the family business.
The thought of me crawling back, killing bugs again.
Admitting that I failed.
I just don't know if I'm good enough.
Jess, no one ever knows.
I go through that same fear every time I jump on-stage and try and make people laugh.
But you gotta hang tough.
You got real talent.
If it makes it any easier for you, we've all got faith in you.
"Fred's Tire Town" is my favorite song.
We're gonna sing it at graduation.
Well, I'm gonna ask.
Thank you, guys.
That makes me feel a lot better.
You know, Joseph.
A few problems in the beginning - but we did make a pretty good team.
- Yeah, we did some good stuff.
What do you say, you still wanna be partners? Like Butch and Sundance? - Martin and Lewis.
- Bert and Ernie! - No puppets.
- No puppets.
Put her there, partner.
Come here, bro.
- This calls for a tea party.
JESSE: All right! Let's have some tea.
JOEY: Okay, here we go.
JESSE: A little toast to our friendship.
Here we go.
This tea is poison!