Fuller House (2016) s02e05 Episode Script

1 La, la la la la la Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy The evening TV Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, a hand to hold onto Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a face Of somebody who needs you Everywhere you look Yeah When you're lost out there And you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La, la la la la la Ooh Fernando.
Nice robe.
Why are you making breakfast? [Spanish accent.]
Just my little thank you for letting me stay at your home for a few months.
- Days.
- Months.
- Weeks.
- Years.
- Months.
- Deal.
Wait, what just happened? [sighs.]
Fernando, you took my robe.
I thought we could trade.
I like a fresh breeze in the morning.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, everyone.
Morning.
So how was the sleepover, girls? - Best sleepover ever! - We didn't fall asleep once! [girls squeak with excitement.]
Hola, Fuller-itos, Tanner-itos, Fernando-ritos.
Now I want Doritos.
Hey, uh, Jimmy, I noticed your beat up RV is still in front of our house.
Just how long are you gonna be parked here? That's up to Steph.
All I know is that my heart is parked here forever.
[all three.]
Aww.
No, "Awws", OK? This is not happening.
I got you a gift.
It's my dream catcher.
I don't need it anymore.
All my dreams came true that day we had our first kiss.
[all three.]
Aww! Stop with the "Awws".
[whispers.]
Can we go out, please? You know, half of me wants to say, "No, thank you," and the other half of me also wants to say, "No, thank you.
" How about the third half? Well, the third half wants you to get a math tutor.
Well, all the math I need to know is that you plus me equals happiness.
[all three.]
Aww! Oh, I say go for it.
Jimmy Gibbler is so sweet and thoughtful.
Yeah, he's really the black sheep of the family.
I have an announcement about my school project.
To show that one kid can make a difference, I'm going to save our natural resources and respect our animal friends by becoming a vegetarian, starting right now.
Ooh, bacon! Max, you do know bacon comes from pigs? I don't mean to embarrass you, but I believe you're thinking of ham.
Kimberlina is always right.
Bacon comes from pigs.
I'm afraid it's true.
Well, then, I guess it's goodbye bacon.
Sorry, old pal.
It's not you, it's me.
Good luck.
No one can resist my bacon.
Oh! A penny.
Hey, sports fans, gotta carbo-load before practice.
Coach's orders.
Oh.
Why are you dressed up like a football player? Because I tried out for the team, and guess what? I made it! Ta-da! I mean, boo-ya! Yeah, hit it right there.
Yeah, Tommy, let's go, OK So, Lola, I guess you'll be cheering for me on the old griddle iron? I think the term is "Gridiron.
" Whatevs.
Just as long as you're cheering for me from the balcony.
- You mean the stands? - Whatevs.
Jackson.
Why didn't you tell me about wanting to play football? Because you'd get all freaked out and then pretend it's fine, and then yell at me for it.
I wouldn't get all freaked out.
And I am fine.
[yells.]
Why wouldn't you ask me for Oh, OK, I see what I did there.
Don't worry, Mom.
I'll see you after rehearsal.
I mean practice.
[makes manly emphatic grunts.]
OK, maybe I am being a little overprotective.
I mean, what are the odds that anything bad will happen to Jackson? You mean the kid who twisted his ankle getting the mail? You mean the kid who sprained his arm making his bed? I saw him trip on confetti once.
OK, Charlie, your ear infection is all cleared up.
Aww.
Well, that is so sweet.
But I'm still gonna have to bill you.
Bye, Charlie.
Phew! Frenchie's worm-free.
I'm ready for lunch.
- Hey, I, uh, I have a question for you.
- Hmm? Jackson made the football team.
But I'm really worried about how dangerous it is.
Ah, well, you should be worried.
I played college ball and blew out both knees.
So you're against Jackson playing? Heck no! Football was the greatest time of my life.
So then you're for Jackson playing.
I didn't say that.
My whole body hurts every time it rains.
So you're for it and against it? Exactly.
- Lunch is here! - [Matt.]
Oh! - Hi.
- Hi.
- DJ! - Hi! Salad shakes.
Every nutrient you need with no fat, no sugar And no taste! Oh, hey, um Can I bring Crystal to game night tonight? I already invited her, but I wanted to run it by you first.
So is that cool? Well, you already invited her and she's standing right here, so it'd be pretty darn awkward if I said "No.
" Great.
Oh, and I also invited Steve and his girlfriend CJ and they're definitely coming, but I told them I wanted to run it by you first.
Can they come too? Well, if they are definitely coming, then they can definitely come! You are so sweet.
How on Earth are you still single? I know.
It is baffling! Well, you're not alone.
You've got us.
Hashtag BFFs.
[laughs awkwardly.]
Hashtag third wheel.
[straining.]
Six [sighs.]
Seven Hey, Mom, get in here and spot me.
Eight Nine Take him, Mom.
Mom, take him, Mom! [sighs.]
Jackson, I've been doing some thinking and after careful consideration, I have to say no to you playing football.
What? But you already said yes.
Well, technically, I just didn't say no.
And, even more technically, you joined the team without asking me.
[sighs.]
Because I knew you would do this! You're always babying me.
I'm 13 now.
[voice cracks.]
I'm a man.
Let's not argue in front of Tommy.
Here, kid.
Fetch.
Come on, Mom.
Dad played football.
Well, you're dad had more of a football body.
You have more of a a ping pong body.
He still would've let me play.
Well, maybe he would have, but parents have a lot more information today, especially about concussions.
But I could get hurt just walking on the street.
And I do! You know what? These are the last words you will ever hear from me.
Goodbye, Mother.
[muffled struggling.]
[shouts.]
If you're still there, I could use a little help.
Hello? Is anybody there? [doorbell rings.]
Hey, Jimmy.
Why ring the doorbell if you're gonna just walk in anyway? Just like pressing buttons.
Kimmy told me you needed a partner for game night.
Kimmy? I've been thinking about you and Jimmy, and if you guys really hit it off, you could become Mrs.
Stephanie Gibbler! And then you wouldn't just be DJ's annoying little sister, you'd be my annoying little sister too! How fun would that be? [sighs.]
[grunts.]
[doorbell rings.]
All right, I'm ready for game night.
The baby's taking a nap, Jackson's trying to get his shirt off.
I'll help him when we're done.
- Hey, Deej.
- Hi! - You remember Ceej? - Hi, Deej.
Hi, Ceej.
[CJ laughs.]
Ooh.
Now I went ahead and pre-cut some category slips for when we play "Celebrity".
Oh! So did I.
Great! I also made up score cards for the teams.
Oh, so did I! And I laminated them.
Me too! I still can't get over how alike you are.
We really are! I don't see it.
- Hey, guys.
- [Crystal.]
DJ! - Hey.
- I brought you a date.
Because I feel so bad that you're all alone.
Come on in! Mike here.
You must be DJ.
Hello.
Nice getaway sticks.
So you're a pet doctor? At least that's what the Google says.
[laughs.]
Isn't Pops a hoot? Did you just say "Pops"? Is this your dad? No! Oh.
[laughs nervously.]
Thank goodness! No, I'm her granddad.
You know, I was gonna bow out of game night.
Not anymore.
- [whispers.]
Hey! - Mmm? Did you know about this? Not until Pops got in the car.
But I am curious to see how this is going to play out.
Deej! You and Mike have so much in common! I mean, you have three kids, and he has three grandkids.
And age is just a number.
Mike here.
If you're wondering, my number is 72.
But not under the hood.
Vroom-vroom.
[cackles.]
Oh! I'm sorry.
You just got vroomed.
[cackles.]
He's a duck who sells insurance.
Aflac.
Ben Affleck! [both cheer.]
Yeah! - Great guess! - Great clue! You know, you guys still have more time.
Oh, to be young and in love.
Remember those days, DJ? Like they were yesterday.
Because they were.
Uh, time.
Matt, Crystal, you're up.
All right.
Let's do it.
- You ready? - All right.
OK.
[deep voice.]
"I pity the fool" - Mr T! - Yes! Don't mind me.
Just passing through very carefully.
In case you're wondering about the bubble wrap, I've been told that I have a very fragile "ping pong" body.
Oh.
Stairs.
Too dangerous.
Better go sleep in the kitchen.
Teenagers.
Mike here.
You know what that kid needs? Football.
[manly grunt.]
Toughen him up.
All right, Mike.
I have never lost a game night, so let's bring it.
Mike here.
You're a spunky little chicken and I'm all right with that.
OK.
- This actor won an Oscar - Douglas Fairbanks.
No.
He was in - Charlton Heston.
- No, let me give you Dick Van Dyke.
- He was - Jerry Van Dyke.
Tom and Jerry.
No, those aren't actors.
Those are cartoon crows.
No, that's Heckle and Jeckle.
I thought you said you were good at this.
What? [laughs uncontrollably.]
OK, we forfeit.
No, no.
Please don't forfeit.
Please keep going.
Show's over.
OK.
All right.
Jimmy, we're up.
Please don't embarrass me.
Why would I embarrass you? Great, well, we're off to a good start.
[blows.]
[sighs.]
OK.
He's really handsome, he finally got married - George Clooney.
- Yes.
- She was in a mother and daughter - Wynonna Judd.
Wow, you're really good at this.
We're really good at this, just keep going.
- OK.
They - Harlem Globetrotters.
- She - Ariana Grande.
- He - SpongeBob.
- Full name.
- SquarePants.
Wow! That was [both.]
Amazing.
It really was.
I've never felt such a [both.]
connection.
What is happening between us? Mike here.
The Hindus call this kismet.
DJ here.
Nobody cares.
Good job taking a pee in the yard, Cosmo.
Don't tell Mom I did too.
Hey, Max.
Hello, uninvited house guest.
Look at these appetizers.
Bacon-wrapped bacon.
You know I am a strict vegetarian.
You sure you don't want to try this bacon-wrapped, bacon-flavored bacon, served on a bed of bacon? You are a terrible person.
Very well.
More bacon for me.
And for Cosmo.
Come here and give me a big kiss.
[sniffs.]
Mmm Second-hand bacon.
DJ, Mike here.
I gotta be straight with you.
You know, you and me and love connection, meh.
DJ here.
I totally agree.
Fine.
However, if you're ever up for something purely physical, just pop me up a poke on the face pagey thing.
Oh, Mike, that's the wrong car.
You're getting in the wrong Oh, who cares.
All right, hitting the sack.
Goodnight, everyone.
Except for [sighs.]
You know who you are.
What, you're still not talking to me? [cell beeps.]
"No, and this is my last text ever"? [sighs.]
You know, enough is enough.
Wait.
Before you have it out with Jackson, I have a better idea.
Come with me.
You know, I still can't get over how good we were tonight.
I know.
We really should go out.
I don't know.
It seems like a [both.]
Bad idea.
Get out of my head! I will if you go out with me.
All right, I'll go out with you.
Are you sure? Because you don't have to if you don't want to.
Oh, my God.
[laughs nervously.]
- I'm gonna go change.
- No, don't change.
I like you just the way you are.
I meant my clothes.
So did I! - Hey, we're going in the wrong room.
- No, we're not.
[knocks.]
Come in.
We're playing Good Cop/Bad Cop.
Follow my lead.
Wait.
What? Oh, don't worry.
You're the good cop.
Hi, girls.
You're doing homework on a Saturday night? Nerd alert.
OK.
You and I.
Let's have a little chat.
Have a seat.
So, Lola.
If that's your real name.
Is it true Jackson's playing football just to impress you? - I don't know.
- [louder.]
Well, I do! It's true.
So now that Fuller kid is gonna get flattened like a pancake by a 300-pound linebacker.
All for some dame.
Guess who that dame is.
Me? Bingo! Your turn.
I need to cool off.
OK.
Hi.
I'm the nice one.
OK, I think where my hotheaded partner is going with this is we're really worried that Jackson could get seriously hurt playing football and he won't listen to us, but he might listen to you.
Because teenagers don't like to hear anything from their parents, right, Ramona? Huh? I wasn't listening.
I got this.
Your worst nightmare is back.
So here's the deal.
You're gonna march right in there and tell Jackson, real calm like, that you don't care if he plays football.
Got it? OK.
Whatever you say.
- Maybe I should go right now.
- Maybe you should.
- OK.
- [DJ.]
Thank you! Wow! If this works, you'll be like a parenting genius! I'm so glad you think so, because I was winging that whole thing.
Hey.
Oh.
Hey.
Oh, yeah, this? Yeah, this is Max's.
You know, I'm just making sure it's structurally sound.
It's not.
Jackson, if you're playing football just for me My mom's trying to stop me, but [scoffs.]
no one tells me what to do.
- I don't care if you play.
- OK, I'm out.
- But you just said - I know.
I'm complex.
So, uh if you're not into football players, what kind of guys are you into? Well, I guess I like guys who don't try too hard to impress a girl.
Ah! Those are my favorite kind of guys too.
Oh, that came out wrong.
So uh, welcome to my RV.
I call it the Gibbler Galloper.
So where are we going on our date? Oh, right here.
Yeah, I don't wanna lose my parking spot.
But you live here.
I don't go home with guys on the first date.
Well, sometimes I do, but there's dinner first.
I've got dinner.
Yeah, I had to have the fryer put in 'cause the RV doesn't fit through a drive-thru.
So, uh, you want a quick tour? Um This is the kitchen, and if you'll follow me to dining room And here we are.
Hmm.
Oh.
What's this map? [Jimmy.]
Oh, uh, that's the world.
I know.
[nervous laugh.]
I was actually asking about the pins.
Oh, that's every place I've taken photographs.
Oh, wow.
Those are beautiful.
Yeah.
Those were in National Geographic.
What a cool job.
You get to travel the world.
You know, I used to travel all over the place and deejay before I moved back home.
Well, you know, sometimes you have to travel the world to figure out where you belong.
You know, there's more to you than meets the eye.
And there's a lot that meets the eye.
Oh, no.
Is Is this happening again? I hope so.
Me too.
- Why are we still talking? - I don't know.
Gimme some Jimmy.
[timer pings.]
You want some fries with that? Oh, I want the whole Happy Meal.
Young Thomas, welcome to Fernando's Snip and Clip.
What are we looking for? Just a trim or a whole new look? I could see you with some Justin Bieber bangs.
What are you doing? It's another thank you for letting me live here.
You don't live here.
It's time for Tommy's first haircut.
No.
No, it's not time.
Oh, my last baby's last first haircut.
Oh.
No, I'm not ready.
What did the checker at Trader Joe's tell you yesterday? That I have a very cute little girl.
OK.
I'm just gonna get this over with.
I'm dating a Gibbler and I like it.
I will not be taking questions at this time.
Hey, guys.
- Hey, Mom.
- Oh, good morning, Jackson.
OK, I'll be right back.
Don't start without me.
Uh, so we're talking again? Yeah, I've decided to respect your wishes and not do football.
Well, I appreciate that.
Look, Mom.
I'm really sorry about the whole silent treatment thing.
I was just so mad at you.
And you're allowed to be mad at me.
But you're not allowed to be disrespectful.
That's not how we solve problems in this family.
I know.
We talk it out, we work it out and we hug it out.
I love you, Mom.
I love you too.
Come on, DJ.
We wanna see this! OK, everybody grab your cameras.
OK.
Just to warn you, sometimes the baby cries.
And that's OK.
All right.
Here comes the first snip.
[cries.]
[all cry.]
One, two, three, four [theme tune plays.]