Futurama s02e05 Episode Script

Futurama is brought to you|by Glagnar's Human Rinds.
It's a Bunch-a-Munch-a-|Crunch-a-Humans! I Second That Emotion Somebody likes snouts.
Is it me? Oh, my head! My precious head! Stupid can opener! You killed|my father and now you want me! - You all right, Bender?|- I guess so.
But why do we keep this time bomb|around for that dumb animal? Don't yell at him.
|You hurt his feelings.
- Come on, pet him and make up.
|- No.
I said, pet him.
I'll pet him.
|I'll pet him with both hands! My ass! Get off! Get off! - Are you okay?|- Nothing a lawsuit won't cure.
Not you.
Poor baby chipped a fang.
I got a busted ass!|I don't see anyone kissing it! All right, I'm coming.
Remember, Rover gets the pill,|and Pepper gets the suppository.
Next! It's just a broken fang.
Not serious.
What's that? You have to put him down? No.
Huh? What? Terrible shame.
Shall I do the honors? No! - You about done?|- Next time, I'm keeping it.
I have a replacement fang|for your pet in the next room.
The jaguar wasn't helpful,|but he did knock one of my teeth out.
Now, then.
What are these rings|in Nibbler's fang? I'm woozy from a gazelle kick earlier,|but if he's like a tree the rings might indicate his age.
Good luck.
It'd take a genius|to count all those rings.
He's 5.
Happy birthday, young Nibbler.
Look how cuddly he looks|in his new cape.
I'd be cuddly if someone|gave me a cape.
Who's playing pin the tail|on the maggot? Me! Everyone watch how good I am! And the crowd goes wild!|What prize do I get? Cash? Look at Nibbler.
Oh, he's holding a spoon.
- He's so talented.
|- You call that talent? Gather around old Bender and get ready|for the show of a lifetime.
- Now he's wearing a hat!|- Let's all sing "Happy Birthday"! What day is today? It's Nibbler's birthday What a day for a birthday Let's all have some cake And you smell like one too What about this? Bender, aren't you cooking|for this party? - Fine.
We'll have rack of Nibbler!|- Just make a cake.
And this time if someone jumps out of it,|put them in after it's cooked.
So it's a cake you want, is it? I'll make you a cake|you'll never forget.
That'll take care of those rats.
|Now, to bake a cake so delicious they'll have no choice|but to love and worship me.
There! This'll teach those|filthy bastards who's lovable.
Once I spell check it,|it'll be ready for my admiring public.
No! Get away from there! That's it.
Happy birthday! Bender, what's going? No! Can't you see I'm using the toilet? How could you flush Nibbler|down the toilet? Step one, I lifted the seat.
|That was the first annoyance.
Am I right, men? Aren't you upset at all? What if|I flushed Fry down the toilet? Only one way to find out.
You have no sympathy for anyone! Sure I do!|Right now I feel sorry for you.
- You do?|- Yeah.
One cantaloupe-sized eye? You ain't winning|no beauty pageants, lady.
And so we say goodbye|to our beloved pet, Nibbler who's gone to a place where I,|too, hope one day to go.
The toilet.
I wouldn't feel so bad if Bender just understood|the pain he caused me.
Give it to me straight, doc.
|Don't sugarcoat it.
Your entire family died When a plane|piloted by your fiancée crashed into your uninsured home.
|And you have inoperable cancer.
Bet you didn't expect that one! Does he not understand|humanoid emotion? I just wish Bender could feel|exactly what I feel.
Through the miracle of science,|that can be done.
Is this another experiment|that crosses a line man was not meant to cross? The official death toll|in that tragic rocket crash has noW been raised to 54,000.
What the hell are you doing|with my head? - I need to tinker in it.
|- Just use a potted plant like Fry! Quiet, you.
|I'm installing an empathy chip.
To allow Bender to feel emotions? Yes, if by "allow" you mean "force.
" - Son of Careful!|- Oh, dear.
Oh, my.
I got it.
Who wants more? - Professor!|- Steady, now.
There we go.
Now I'll simply tune it|to Leela's emotional frequency.
My God, I'm overcome with feelings.
I'm experiencing|a powerful yearning to cram my gullet|with mackerel heads.
That's me, baby.
I feel I'm not as smart as Leela but I also feel relieved|that I'm cuter than her.
- That's me.
|- Thanks for covering.
Now I miss Nibbler,|and I feel nosy and opinionated.
- Bingo!|- It's her! Thanks.
I'm happy Bender can finally|feel my pain.
Happy.
I like this feeling.
|Don't revert to your usual mopey self.
I'm not mopey.
You shut up! Anger, huh?|How dare you make me feel anger you one-eyed jerk with a dead pet? Thanks for taking me out.
|I'm now slightly less miserable.
You know what'd cheer you up?|Getting a puppy! A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies.
- What's your problem?|- I miss Nibbler.
- You do?|- Hell, no! It's Leela's feelings! Why can't she just drink herself happy|like a normal person? - Jealousy.
You think you're so hot!|- Wha? You only get all the guys|because you dress like a tramp! They're responding to my personality! Armando and I are going|to the back seat of his car for coffee.
- Will you be all right by yourself?|- Sure, I'm having a great time.
Really! You two go enjoy yourselves.
I'm so lonely.
I'm gonna go eat|a bucket of ice cream.
A bucket of The spoon's in the foot powder! I'm at the end of my rope.
I can't live another minute|without sweet Nibbler.
Alligators can live in sewers|after you flush them.
- Really?|- Yep.
My friend's cousin's caseworker|saw one.
It's a widely believed fact.
Sewers Thinking, thinking, thinking.
Hang on, Nibbler!|Uncle Bender's coming to save you! Damn, it's too small.
What did those humans|design this for anyway? Ah-ha! Bender, one.
Toilet, zero.
See you on the other side! Bender? Bender?! Have you seen my sombrero? He flushed himself down the toilet? - Who's next?|- It's your fault.
Your emotions made him feel bad.
You're right.
I feel terrible.
Now you're making him feel worse! We better go down and find him.
Are you crazy? There's mutants there! - They'll eat you alive!|- They're hideous! Mutants are just a ridiculous|urban myth.
Don't be so sure.
Many scientists believe humans|could mutate down there due to exposure to toxic waste,|radioactive runoff and good old American feces.
God bless America.
Ladies first.
Oh, and the aftertaste.
- What?|- I burned my finger! - Check the guidebook.
|- We're under Park Avenue.
Ritzy! Just think.
All this was probably|once a charity luncheon for the Met.
Wait, what's that? Why did I throw out the manual? You didn't have to come down here.
I know, but I just missed|Nibbler so much.
- He was so cute.
|- He was so sweet.
This emotional display|is making me nauseous.
Or maybe it's from that.
Nibbler! It's no use.
We'd better turn back.
Which way, Fry? According to this map,|the only exit is through that pipe.
It gets wider after a mile.
- Idiot.
|- Idiot.
Okay, never mind.
I'll just ask those people|for directions.
Mutants! Mutants! They're real! I'll take care of this! Back! Back! Thanks, handsome.
- Don't worry, we're harmless.
|- I have three arms! - I said, harmless not armless!|- Lay off him.
He only has one ear.
Shouldn't you eat my brain?|You're mutants! Mutants? Perhaps you are the mutants.
Dwayne, have you looked|in a mirror lately? Welcome to our village.
|It's not Paris but it has a charm|that I wouldn't trade for the world.
- You do realize you live in a sewer.
|- Perhaps your civilization is the sewer of an even greater|society above you.
- No, we're on top.
|- Daylight and everything.
It must be wonderful! We came down here to find our pet.
|He was flushed down the toilet If he was flushed,|he probably came through here.
Everything always does.
Follow me.
All that is ours|came from your toilets.
Over there is our aquarium.
|This is our library.
Just crumpled porn and Ayn Rand.
Over here is our church.
You guys worship an unexploded|nuclear bomb? Nobody's that observant.
|It's mainly for Christmas and Easter.
Nibbler! Come to Daddy, sweetie-ookums! Do alligators flushed down|toilets live here? That's an urban legend.
- Then what are those?|- Crocodiles.
They're our pets.
When they grow too large,|we flush them into the sub-sewer.
There's a race of sub-mutants there.
Please! That's just|a sub-urban legend.
Then I suppose you also don't believe|in El Chupakneebray.
El Chupakneebray? What's that? Gather around for the legend|of El Chupakneebray.
He creeps in the midnight hush Silent as a loW-floW toilet flush But sooner or later He'll eat you Whole|And half your alligator - Crocodile.
|- Whatever.
Our pet, Nibbler, loves fresh crocodile.
It's his favorite treat.
|He must be El Chupakneebray.
Hey, yeah! You unleashed|El Chupakneebray upon us? Then you are our sworn enemies! He would never hurt people.
|Let us help you capture him.
Impossible.
If legend's true, our|only hope is to give a snack-rifice! Yes, an unspoiled virgin.
- I volunteer!|- Nice try, Leela but we've all seen|Zapp Brannigan's web page.
Oh, I made myself feel bad.
- She'll do.
|- Chain her to the post! And rip her shirt a little.
Behold! When El Chupakneebray|comes for the, uh, "virgin" he will be snared|by this rope trap.
El Chupakneebray comes soon.
|It is nightfall.
Nightfall? How can you tell down here? - The tide is coming in.
|- Quiet.
The beast approaches.
Nibbler! Come here, precious.
Look, everyone.
It's El Chupakneebray.
- That's not him.
|- Say what? That's El Chupakneebray! I'll take care of this! - Do something!|- I'm too scared! Your fear is being|transmitted to Bender! If you care about Nibbler,|stop caring! I can't! I love all creatures! - Even me?|- As a friend.
Damn.
Listen to me.
|I'm an expert at not caring.
The secret is not giving|a rat's ass about anyone and only caring about things|that you want that you deserve,|that the world owes you! - Well, I could use a new tank top.
|- Bigger! Bigger! A fashionable tank top! And designer|boots encrusted with jewels! You'll need some pants|to go with that! And I could afford it all if I didn't|have to feed that stupid Nibbler! Bender is back!|I'll save you, Nibbler! - He'll be killed!|- Know what else I could use? A weekend at a fancy spa.
|And a Toblerone.
You did it! - Let's have a tissue-tape parade!|- No, thanks.
Gather around to hear|the legend of Bender.
He came from above With a It'll be ages before another|guitar string is flushed.
- That's a disgusting story.
|- All thanks to Bender.
- I love you, Bender.
|- I love you too.
Get that stupid chip out of me|before I kill myself.
You won't believe this,|but the empathy chip burned out.
The emotion you felt for Nibbler|was your own! So Bender learned a lesson about respecting other people's|feelings after all.
No, I'm wrong.
The chip was running|at triple capacity.
And I still barely felt anything.
|Good night, losers! Maybe Bender didn't learn from me but I learned something from him.
So long, jerkwads! So long!