Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s02e05 Episode Script

This programme contains adult
humour and discriminatory
language and content
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme gimme gimme a MAN! ♪
DANCE MUSIC
WHISTLE
WHISTLE
INAUDIBLE
Oi!
Fat cow!
Ugly people deserve a good slap.
Get off!
Don't touch what you can't afford.
- Oooh, fun!
- Get up, you drunken, great dragoon.
Got to get you home.
Excuse me, young woman!
- You a taxi? - Where you going?
- Paradise Passage, Kentish Town.
- Hop in.
Look at you. Ain't you lovely?
- You're like a little china
dolly-wolly. - Get in, you slag!
I got a sister with special needs.
- 'Ere, they're homosexuals.
You don't mind, do you? - No.
They're harmless.
Oh look, she collects pictures!
- Do you collect pictures? - No,
they're me twins, Pearl and Dean.
SINGS MUSIC TO PEARL AND DEAN
- Who's that? - I'm not listening.
Oi, trade! Keep it shut.
Kentish Town?
- Mmm. - Awright, mate!
- God! - What, what?
- Nothing, nothing. - Was you having
a bad dream? - I think I still am.
Mr Tongue wants to say hello!
- I haven't brushed my teeth yet.
- I did it while you were asleep.
You had a bit of spam in your
molars.
Get dressed and go.
I'll get the post.
- Nothing urgent. Bills - Give me
that. Get out. I've got an audition.
- What's the audition?
- The Charlotte Church Experience.
- Doesn't mention it in your filofax.
- I never said you could look.
I love it when you're angry.
Stop picking your nose.
It's disgusting.
My last boyfriend hated that too.
- "Don't pick your nose. Your head'll
cave in." Funny, isn't it?
- Hilarious.
Get out please,
I've got to get dressed.
God, what are you staring at?
Who got out of bed the wrong side?
..Tom!
- Shut up! - Shut up yourself.
- 'Ere, Tom. - What?
We just had our first row.
- They're mine!
- I'm wearing your slippers.
If we split up, can I keep them?
DOOR BANGS
That's my errant lover baying
for your blood. Out the window.
You told me last night that you
hadn't had a relationship since
He bears a very long grudge.
Leave this to me.
I'm a security guard.
- Not so bloody loudly.
- Linda, I'd better deal with this.
- Get over it, pal. It was
seven years ago. He's mine now.
- I'm sorry, I was looking for Beryl.
- So, that's his little nickname.
Very imaginative.
- Oi, wanker! Beryl's upstairs.
- Hi. - Hi.
WHIP CRACKS
Get down, get down, get down!
And don't do it again!
Yes, Mistress Beryl.
Oh, hi, Linda.
- Are you paying for it?
- Is that really naughty?
- Stay there! - Ugh!
- Ah! - Ah!
- What you doing? - Hiding, shut up!
Oh, God, my heart, oh!
Beryl's back on the game. Remind me
never to wear skin-tight rubber.
Who are you hiding from?
The trade. Well, I call him trade.
Makes you think of builders
or men who know all the names
of Man United.
Not someone with
the sex appeal of a cyclops!
'Ere, my Auntie Ivy was a cyclops.
Or Aunty Eye,
as we used to call her.
You could never tell if she was
winking or blinking, poor cow.
- Did we have a good time last night?
- Don't you remember anything?
I remember one Christmas
Daddy laughed cos all I got
was a pencil sharpener.
About last night, you prattling pig!
You were all over that taxi driver.
"Us birds should stick together,"
and then you sang a version
of Only Women Bleed.
But you forgot the words.
"Only women what women do again"
And you dragged her
back for tequila slammers.
Bollocks.
I don't do women friends, do I?
They get bitter cos of me looks.
Get out, I want to get back to bed.
No, I've got to wait till he's gone.
Oh, God! What if he doesn't go home?
Oh, no
I need to go wee-wees.
My bladder will get
as big as a space-hopper.
British are crap at one night
stands - so depressed about sex.
RE-pressed.
The amount of times I've woken up
with some bloke screaming,
"What have I done?!"
Was he good? Did he move your earth?
He was a bit toothy.
At least you've had a bit of filth.
I ain't had it in weeks.
Next bloke I meet will need
a pickaxe and Davy lamp to break in.
I don't hear any noises. Perhaps
he's gone. I should be fearless.
What would David Jason do? He's
rather fearless in A Touch Of Frost.
Oh, I love that.
"Rodney, you plonker!"
It's the only thing with homos in
I like.
Homos! Homos!
David Jason doesn't play homos.
Del-boy and Rodney! They've
been living together for years!
They are BROTHERS!
- Just cos you woke up with a monster,
don't take it out on me. You made
your bed - I give up! - ..lie in it.
Agh!
- Oi, you cheeky bitch.
How long have you been there?
- All night, what time is it?
Get out! Lying there
with all your bits hanging out!
Eurgh!
Ugh! Taxi-twat was in my bed
all along. Can you believe that?
Aw, were you having
a little sleep-over? Aw!
The girls at school did that.
They loved them.
Talking Purdey-cuts and make-up.
"Tom! How's my haircut looking?"
"Why don't boys dance at the disco?"
"Tom, why are you wearing
Beverley's bra?" Oh, shit!
You sad git! You should've been
outside knocking a ball about
and talking about wanking.
I hated sleep-overs. They
all knew, cos I was never invited,
which was great.
Where's the vile trade?
- Gone, isn't it marvellous?
- I wish she'd do the same.
Hurry up! I wanna go back to bed!
- What you doing? - A mail-out, warning
everyone I'm on TV Sunday night.
"It is with the greatest of
pleasures that I, Thomas Farrell,
playing age range 16 to 49,
"announce my appearance on the
top-rated BBC show, Songs Of Praise.
"During To Be A Pilgrim, I get three
close-ups and look into camera."
- When was that? - Remember
I saw that film crew by Our Ladies?
Well, the best boy slipped me in the
back way when no-one was looking.
Hurry up!
Blimey!
I've copied reviews from my am-dram
days and I'm sending two photos.
Look, one sort of matinee-idoly,
like that.
Then, this one's sort of
character-based.
So that's that. "For the attention
of Sir Richard Attenborough."
- About bloody time! - Mind if I fly
that kettle on, I'm parched.
- You help yourself. Did you
sleep well? - After a fashion.
All right if I phone me fella?
Poor man, putting up with the likes
of you, you dirty stop-out!
- Does he hit you? - No.
Why not?
There's a phone-box at the end
of the road. Bloody northerners!
- Phone whoever you want, Maddy.
- Ta, kid.
Did you have a good time
with Neville?
Oh, that was his name, Neville.
It was like being in a Robin
Reliant on the M6 listening to
Gardeners' Question Time!
- Not just any Question Time - Tom.
- Shut up.
The sort where they discuss
the pros and cons of a lobelia
from Peru!
- Tom! - I said, shut up!
You see, he wasn't a very big boy.
Not very much to look at
in the underwear department.
In fact, it put me in mind
of a walnut whip!
So, no! Having sex with,
um what was his name again?
- Neville. - Neville, thank you
- Hello. - I'll put these in a vase.
Not that one, it's tiny.
You need a bigger one
I'm going!
His mobile's off. Can I phone
me mate? Oh, give us a ciggy.
No!
You should be on the stage, you.
- You're dead funny! - Get off!
Thanks, but I already am.
What's this?
"For me, the low point in Salad
Days was Thomas Farrell's spring
onion!" The high point, surely.
Linda, turn and face me, please?
Tongue out.
Thank you.
Hi, Tracey. It's me, love.
I've got some
earth-shattering gossip.
Last night, guess what I did.
I had sex with a woman!
No, can you believe that?
No, I enjoyed it.
It was this woman I picked up
in me cab Linda, they call her.
I know, I know.
I've got to go. The tea's ready.
Yes, I'm still round her gaff.
I'll call you later.
Now, anyone take sugar?
- Linda, sugar?
- No, don't put nothing in me mine.
I'm going back to bed.
I love smoking, me.
Mummy gave me my first when I was
ten. I've never looked back.
Everything OK, Lindy? This has
come out of the blue, hasn't it?
Tom, you KNOW I smoke.
- Oh, Lindy. Give me a lesbian, gay,
trans-gendered hug! - Get off me!
One has to be careful, coming out.
If I had my time over,
I wouldn't have told my parents
on top of Blackpool Tower.
Very windy. A lot of shouting.
Couple of security guards had a
good chortle and a school party.
Some old monks were interested too.
Tom, I feel like
an experimental bunny rabbit.
You know, stuck in a lavatory
with lipstick on. I feel abused.
I wouldn't mind
but no-one was watching.
Now I know why you're
so vile about dykes!
You were in a great Egyptian river.
Denial.
You've slept with a bird.
Does that make you lesbian? NO!
Look at me posters. I LOVE men!
You're bisexual! Nobody's safe.
There's no such thing as bisexual.
It's just greediness.
I can't be a dyke.
I won a prize in borstal as the
least likely to wear dungarees.
- Lindy, you could come on the gay
pride march with me. - I can't march.
I got thrown out of majorettes
for misusing me baton.
Come on, Lindy. We're here,
Lindy's queer. Get used to it.
Tom, how can I be a dyke?
Look at me, I'm gorgeous.
Loads of lezzas are gorgeous, Lindy.
Look at
Thelma, from Scooby-Doo.
Now, I've organised
a little trip to a queer cafe.
- No, we can't leave your girlfriend.
- Don't call her that.
I know, we'll take your girlfriend
with us. Maddy, Maddy!
Mummy, Mummy!
I want my mummy!
Maddy, hi. Listen.
I can't tell you how empowering it
is in a queer-only space. Bless you.
Is Linda OK? She's a bit off with
me.
She's like that with everyone.
Would you like to join us for lunch
at a lezza taverna in Clerkenwell?
Or have you eaten enough
off the table of love?
God, last night was brilliant.
I don't know what our Phil's
been doing wrong all these years
but Linda was fantastic!
Talk about turbo-tongue!
I think SHE enjoyed herself.
I felt sorry for the neighbours.
She's a bit of a howler, isn't she?
Well, look at your nose! I must
have thought it was a little penis!
- Hiya, darling. - Don't you - I didn't
see you standing there - ..call me
darling. I ain't nobody's darling.
- Have I to go then? - I think it's
wise.
Look, about last night
what I'm trying to say is
I just think you're amazing.
I married our Phil
when I was 16 and pregnant.
He's the only person
I've ever slept with till last
night.
I don't know what to say.
MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY
I'd love to see you again.
- WHISPERS: - No, no, no, no.
Right, I've been a bit
silly really, haven't I?
Broadcasting it to all and sundry.
I've slept with a bird,
like it's a novelty.
Whereas for you, it's a way of life.
I'm sorry. I hope you don't think
I've been patronising. I'll be off.
Oh, I can tell I've really upset
you.
Look, if you ever change your
mind
..call a taxi.
See ya!
She was so nice, wasn't she?
She was like
every nice nurse on Casualty.
The minute they get stabbed,
you're crying and yelling, "Not her!
"Stab the other one!
Stab the vile one!"
God, one little mistake and
I'm tarnished for life. Jeez
I sniffed glue in the Brownies.
Am I a drug addict? NO!
I wore A-line skirts. Does that
mean I've got no taste now? NO!
I sleep with ONE woman and suddenly
I'm branded a tennis player.
Just give me five minutes
and I'll whisk you off
to some lovely bender hot-spot.
I'm not going anywhere with you!
I'll show you I'm not gay.
I'll show the lot of ya!
- I'm going out!
- I suggest you get dressed first.
SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY
Shall I call you a taxi?
Oh, gay people are so funny.
Excuse me, d'you wanna shag me?
I think you're
really gorgeous, right?
I know it's hard to believe
but I haven't had it for a while.
Do you fancy a bit?
- No, he doesn't.
- All right! Keep your hair on!
Moany old cow!
You looking for a lady?
I think you're really gorgeous
and I haven't had it in ages.
So, what say we step outside for
a little bit of summertime loving?
- That's enough, madam. - Eh? - Oh, hello.
Oh, piss off you, you poofy homo!
Get in here NOW!
Oh, you still here?
You've been waiting ages.
I must have been an incredibly
naughty boy. What do you think?
- LINDA! - I think I'd better go in.
Keep your lips firmly shut and SIT.
Bit of a challenge.
You see a tone
and you've got to lower it.
It's been a funny 24 hours
in the life of Linda La Hughes.
First you try night-club violence,
then pull a penis-free cab driver.
Just put that down
to me being off me box.
Then Kentish Town police
inform me that you have been
arrested for soliciting.
I said to them,
"Do I look like a solicitor? No!"
No, no, you don't understand.
What do they do? What do they send?
A bloody solicitor!
- I said to them, "Go on, arrest HER!"
- No, no, no, NO!
Soliciting is what prostitutes do.
As my solicitor said, I ain't no
prossie cos I didn't want paying.
How thick are you?
- We'll sit here till I get
an apology. - I got off!
To convince Neville to drop the ABH
charge, I agreed to dinner tonight.
Yes, that's very funny, isn't it?
Go on, laugh.
I've changed my mind.
I'll give Neville a ring.
Then you'd go to court,
wouldn't you? You'd go down!
You'd have to do your bird.
You'd have to do loads of birds,
but you'd like that.
The bike of C-Wing!
Dropping your soap in the shower
and calling yourself Larry.
- Yes. Hello, Neville - No, no, no!
- I'm sorry, Tom. - Didn't quite hear
that. - Sorry, Tom. - Louder, please.
- I'm bloody sorry! What more do you
want? - Proof. Finish my mail-out.
- How many are there? - I've done five
so you've only got 495 to do.
Letters, reviews, photographs
and names and addresses there.
- But I hate writing! - Just DO it!
- Hello, Linda! - Bloody hell! You
nearly gave me a heart attack then.
I've got to go and be filthy
with an MP in Westminster.
Apparently, there's great call
for granny porn.
Why don't you go out the front?
I've got a punter waiting.
I can't let him see me.
Poor man! He's been there all day.
He wanted humiliation.
He's getting it!
Wouldn't it be more humiliating
if you used the front door?
Linda, I could eat you!
That's a bit of a sore point.
SHE WHIMPERS
I can't do this!
Oh!
I think jokes about the handicapped
are really funny!
- Would you like more soup
from my tureen? - What is it again?
Something weird. - Just cauliflower.
Gives me terrible wind, cauliflower.
That, and chilli con carne.
Oh!
Hi!
She still not back?
That's a bit humiliating, isn't it?
I could find something
to keep you occupied.
No offence, but I like
my mistresses old.
I'm knocking 80.
I just do a lot of exercise.
- Hurry up!
- Yes, mistress. Sorry, mistress.
To be honest, my favourite food
is the much maligned pilchard.
My ex-boyfriend used to say,
"Knock a pilchard, knock a pal!"
Classic quotes!
HE FARTS
I'm just going to get my gas mask.
Tom, you're drinking rather a lot.
Got a problem with the sauce?
I was hoping that you'd
suddenly become attractive.
We can't date if you're an
alcoholic.
- Really? Well, yes I am. - Only
kidding, I love you warts and all.
We can't have a relationship.
I'm a heavy smoker.
I don't mind.
HE FARTS
I couldn't light flames,
you'd blow the street up.
- Give up. - Why should I?
It's nothing to do with you.
Tom, I'm your boyfriend!
You're not! Not if you were
the last one on the planet!
Well, I don't want a relationship
with you, or even to sleep with you.
Thank God!
Really? Why? I'm gorgeous!
I was a virgin till last night.
Oh, were you? I've never been
anyone's first time before.
What was I like? Fantastic? I expect
I was good. Do you like my body?
I've great deltoids. They've
been written about at Charing Cross.
I wish you'd told me I was breaking
you in. I'd have stayed awake.
- I'm going. - Hang on,
you haven't mentioned my body yet!
It was never going to be.
How many people have a birthmark
shaped like Merthyr Tydfil?
Tom it might have been my
first time, so what do I know?
I just wanted to say
You're a crap shag!
Did I work hard, mistress?
You got a treat for your labours!
I didn't believe you were 80
till you took your clothes off.
- So, what's that then? 50?
- 100, hurry up.
- Can I come again?
- No, I'm knackered. Piss off!
Ugh! God! Can you not do that?
It's really unattractive.
I'm sick of unattractive people!
Why isn't the world more beautiful?
My God!
You've done them all!
God, your handwriting's improved!
You got the Bs the right way round.
I enjoyed every minute of it.
You smell unusually nice. You don't
have to go to any trouble for me.
- It ain't for you, I'm going out.
- It's lesbian night at Billie Jean's.
I don't care, I know I'm straight.
Fine, whatever!
You can't wind me up any more.
I am what I am.
Have a lovely time. You big lezza!
Ow!
- Good morning. - Morning.
Morning!
- Agh! - Agh!
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme gimme gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme gimme gimme a MAN! ♪