Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce" Open up your mouth, and the hypocrisy just flows out.
I'm sick of being told that I don't know my own mind.
I'm not gonna be a professional wife.
Are you watching porn? You crossed the line, Frumpkis! Frumpkis and Charlene booked Zoey's flight first class.
She is a monster.
I'm going to Latvia for four months.
- Right.
- Is everything okay? I have to head back to the office.
Hey, what happened to dinner? I had to leave before I completely lost it.
- Gorgeous.
- This girl.
Jowls.
- I'm not kidding.
- She looked real.
I appreciate your opinion, Phoebe.
Oh, wait.
I don't.
You want to be the new face of divorce? Knock yourself out.
If you want to do a follow-up piece, don't you need a follow-up date? You have to go find solace in other men! No functional adult would have knocked up his 26-year-old actress rebound.
Oh, my God.
I pulled out.
- You pulled out? - Yes! And we just can't fix it.
I think my heart is breaking.
We are just these people together.
Abby, that is so sad.
I cannot believe you are going through all that with Jake.
Yeah, what's going on with the CW baby? You and Jake telling the kids? Um, we're talking about it.
I, uh and I'm really sorry I didn't tell all you guys what was going on.
I was just such a mess.
- No.
- Yeah.
But I'm through it now.
I am through the storm, so You just, uh You seem a little, um - Intense.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? - Like you're sweating bullets.
No, no, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Well, you know, you're signing the papers.
It's a biggie, I mean, you can let yourself feel it.
Yeah.
I do, and I will.
I do.
I just right now, I'm stressed about work.
More drama with your boss? She's not my boss.
- She's my editor, technically, - Oh! - and, yeah, you know, - Yeah okay.
it's not so great for job stability when she hates me and everything I stand for, so, you know, I have no idea if I'm killing it or if I'm about to be fired.
Oh, no, you're not.
It just takes time.
- Yeah.
- You just got there.
She's gonna love you.
Just win her over.
She's not very winnable, but that's okay.
I'm just throwing myself into it.
You know, the SheShe beast must be fed.
Ooh, fed with more sexy doctor dates.
Actually, I do have one tonight with Dr.
Harris.
Oh.
It is strictly professional, ladies.
Isn't that perfect? You get to have a date with an even hotter version of Dr.
Drew while I get to see my fat dickwad of an ex.
What? Frumpkis? When? He's flying in tonight on business.
Well, he says it's business, but he probably just wants a break from Charlene and her inbred Kentucky lifestyle.
Okay, remember what we talked about, doll.
- We're still mid-negotiations.
- Mm-hmm.
- Do not provoke him.
- I know.
You know what my divorce feels like? It feels like this roach under the fridge that won't die.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
That's why God invented prenups.
Me and Gordon are going over ours with an estate lawyer today.
Oh, my God.
Delia Banai's prenup? - That is going to be - Terrifying.
It's gonna be simple, standard, and civilized.
It's gonna be very low-key and cool, which should be your mantra with Frumpkis.
- Yes, it is.
- Cool.
It is, trust me.
My kid is all I'm worried about, okay? I don't want to get sucked into that asshole bigamist's whoa, what is this? It's my new car.
Whoo! It is a Mirai.
It runs on hydrogen.
Phoebe godmother saving the world.
Can I come to the future with you? Well, Jo, you might have to make peace with your past first.
- [Laughing.]
- Ah.
All right.
All right, I'll see you at Abby's.
See you in a few minutes.
See you soon.
Drive safe.
[Rock music.]
I'm so sorry about the whole Frumpkis coming and, you know, us being so disconnected since Since you booted me out? Abs, I told you.
We're fine now.
- Okay.
- Okay? Mm-hmm.
- Kind of.
- So, ladies? All: Mm-hmm? I have some news.
Guess who passed her GED.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God.
Phoebe, that's amazing.
I didn't even know you were taking your GED.
Oh, well, you're not the only one with a secret double life, Abby McCarthy.
Oh, my God.
What brought this on? I don't know, not finishing high school? And if I want career prospects that don't involve smiling pretty for a camera, I needed a high school diploma, so I worked my ass off, went for it, voilà.
But why so secretive? Because if I didn't pass, it would be humiliating.
But you did, which is fantastic.
We have to celebrate.
- Oh, it's just a little test.
- We should throw a party.
- She should have a prom.
- Yes.
She's a graduate.
- Oh, my God.
- I never had a prom.
- With a limo? - Oh, get SheShe to pay for it.
You could spin it into some kind of glamspirational bullshit piece.
I would be happy to write about something other than my dating life, but what do you think, Phoebe? If I can inspire women to graduate high school and get a free open bar, why not? It's a SheShe win-win, right? To Phoebe! A SheShe win-win.
All: SheShe win-win.
- [Funky music.]
- [Doorbell rings.]
Keeping it intact until shit hit the fan [Knocking.]
So I took my heart out right Hey.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here? It's Lilly’s.
She left it yesterday.
Oh, thank you.
I could have come to get it.
Really not a big deal.
Lilly? You look nice.
- Uh - Thank you.
You been busy, huh? Back in the saddle? What does that mean, the saddle? That means you twittered and, you know, date with Dr.
Harris.
- And that is for work.
- [Laughs.]
My bad.
Miss Forgetful, I will be charging you for miles.
Thanks, Daddy.
Sorry.
Did you talk to your mom yet? - About what? - It's nothing.
It's fine.
Can we leave soon? I'm gonna be late for algebra.
Yeah, just go see if your brother's almost ready.
What is that about? [Whispering.]
I think she's having a hard time.
She got her hopes up, but, uh Did she say something to you? She needs to speak to you, okay? - Okay, I will get on that.
- All right, great.
I just haven't found the right words are you okay? Living the dream.
[Funky music.]
Mom, we're back.
Well, look who decided to grace us with his Frumpkis? Hey, Jo.
Who the hell are you, and what have you done with my fat dirtbag of an ex? - Mom, be nice.
- Honey, it's okay.
It's a fair statement.
Okay, well, wow.
Uh, so what kind of business brings you out here? You on a nationwide search for a third family? Mom.
It's good to see L.
A.
hasn't softened your edge, Jo.
Oh, no, it hasn't.
No, look, I just wanted to pop in and say hi.
- Uh-huh.
Hi.
- Hi.
I'm on my way to some investor meetings.
You know, they shouldn't take too long.
Maybe you and I could sit down while I'm here, catch up.
Yeah, maybe you're high.
Yeah, no.
That's not gonna happen, but the kid's excited to see you and spend some time with you.
Yeah, Dad, there's this emerging artists exhibit at the Annenberg.
Well, all right, anything you want to do, kiddo.
Hey, you know, we should stop by the bakery while I'm here too.
- Yeah.
- My bakery, cabron, mine.
Your bakery.
- Yeah.
- My bad.
Bye.
- What the hell was that? - That's Charlene.
She's got him doing yoga, tennis, eating salad.
- Salad? - Yeah.
You don't make friends with salad.
Dad's changed.
He really has.
And then maybe we could decorate the place with some fun prom themes like "Under the Sea".
"Under the Sea"? I never got that.
What high school senior dreams about being a merman? [Laughs.]
Totally.
I love mermen.
Okay, well, how about, um, "Year of the Dragon"? That was the theme of my prom if I had finished senior year.
Okay, that's hot.
- That, I'm feeling.
- Awesome.
Oh, and Abby and I discussed having a "rock your decade" dress code, like, when you went to prom, '80s, '90s.
Yes, and I already have the cutest '80s ensemble picked out.
It is day-glo sequins with big puffed sleeves I'm gonna go full Cyndi Lauper with a bit of Sheena Easton with some pink, frosty lip gloss.
Oh, my God.
I love Sheena Easton.
- She's my fave.
Hit me, girl.
- Oh, yeah.
[Both laugh.]
Okay, let's talk prom dates.
Ooh, no, I just ended things with this guy, Marco.
He was black.
I just said that because you're black.
I'm so sorry.
Is that awful? Okay, it's hilarious 'cause you're a riot.
- Oh.
- People do it all the time.
They're like, "did y'all go to preschool together? - 'Cause he's black too.
" - No.
It's fine.
All right.
Want me to find you a date? No.
This is my fantasy prom.
I want it to be all about girls going stag, hitting the dance floor, no mermen.
That's what I was going to write about, not mermen.
You know, this is Phoebe's story.
It's about reconciling her present with her past.
I Love that.
Really? But I think Phoebe should write it.
[Light jazzy music.]
Um, I'm not a writer.
But it's your journey, your point of view.
[Chuckles nervously.]
- That was crazy right? - Yeah! Yes it was.
Great, though.
Me doing the story? You didn't have to say yes.
I don't want to step on your toes with the column or anything.
No, honey, no, you're not stepping on my toes, and besides, my toes are tough.
They're like little rocks.
Okay, great.
I don't know.
I just wrote that one piece for the school newsletter, and now I'm writing for SheShe? Well, you know, you don't have to write it if you don't feel comfortable.
It's completely understandable.
- Really? - Yeah.
I thought Barbara seemed pretty sold on the idea.
Barbara's not exactly my number one fan, so Oh, so you think she only offered me the column just to piss you off.
Oh, I no.
I mean, of course not that, but I just you just don't have to feel any pressure, right, to write anything.
This is your prom.
If I write it, you get to just enjoy it.
All right, let's stick to the game plan.
Great.
- Unless you really want to - No.
- Okay.
- I mean, yes, you write it.
- Okay.
You sure? - Yeah.
Looks like we are all in line with the basics.
You would each leave the marriage with what you had upon entering into it.
Per the lady's demands.
- Luckily, I'm not leaving.
- Me neither.
Let's go over child custody.
No, that won't be necessary.
We're just gonna go with the standard terms.
Fine, let's move on to child support payments.
The same, standard.
All right, but you do need to appoint child guardians in the case of both of your deaths.
Fine, do you want to just go with your mother? I don't have any viable options in mine, so I'm sorry.
Have you two not discussed any of this stuff yet? Oh, it's been mentioned.
Believe me, it's been hard enough just getting this lady to the altar.
Look, I'm not your therapist or anything, but you might want to more than mention it, soon.
Can we just wrap this up please? [Rock music.]
- This place is rocking, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- I love the new design.
- Mm-hmm.
- How's business? - Amazing.
In the morning, it's swarming with Venice beach jackasses, but not that I'm here much.
I've got a pretty hectic dating life.
- Oh, really? - Uh-huh.
Do tell.
Anyone special? Actually, his name's none of your goddamn business.
- Forget I asked.
- His dick is huge, though.
Okay, I get it.
Look, I'm glad you're good, and, uh [Sighs.]
I want you to be happy.
Way to really sell it.
I like that little sigh you threw in in the middle there.
- It's brilliant.
- You don't think I mean it? Oh, the guy I know doesn't know how to mean it, and he also doesn't spend his days in a backwater cornfield doing downward dog, either.
I was a disaster.
I can own that now.
And I know that I hurt both of you very deeply.
I'm sorry about that, Jo.
I am.
Robbie F.
? Scotty.
Come here, you limey son of a bitch.
Hey.
Do my eyes deceive me, or have you shed a few pounds? - I mean - Eh, a few.
I did this field of greens juice cleanse, total game-changer.
- Yeah, I've done that one.
- Yeah.
Kale, cucumber, in one end, out the other.
Yeah, yeah, and then kaboom.
- Summer in a bottle.
- Right through the system, man.
Total yokage.
[Rock music.]
Shake it out Well, how much weight did he lose? Oh, it's not about the weight.
He's a known lunatic, but he's acting all reformed, and it's freaking me out.
I need to lure the party animal, real Frumpkis, out of this tube that the Southern Belle from Hell has locked him in.
Well, I'm sure you'll come up with something appropriately devious.
Um, listen, I got to go because, uh, Dr.
Harris is picking me up soon.
He's taking me to this new mystery spot in Boyle Heights.
Yikes.
- Don't get dead.
- No.
No.
Well, you aren't missing a beat getting back on the dating horse.
You sure you're ready for this? Yeah, I am totally ready.
I am absolutely great.
Okay, I got to go.
Bye.
Bye.
Hmm.
[Phones beep.]
[Solemn music.]
[Jazzy music.]
[Laughter.]
Get ready.
You're gonna like this.
Yeah? Better be SheShe-worthy.
Is this where you take all your dates - [Laughing.]
- to murder them, or just the ones that have minor breakdowns on the first date? Oh, that wasn't a minor breakdown.
[Laughs.]
So is this resolved, this married/not-married thing? Totally, yeah.
Feel great.
It's just all that stuff, it's just nice to have it behind me.
- You seem great.
- Thank you.
- You ready? - We're gonna shout Okay.
You may ask me, what's it all about? [Indistinct chatter.]
What is this place? It's the best Polynesian restaurant in town.
They've got a coconut shrimp that will just blow your mind.
- [Popping.]
- Oh! Mama Bitna [Speaking Chinese.]
Oh, ooh-la-la, Henry.
- Yeah, hello, Ni hao.
- Oh.
Abby, this is Mama Bitna.
- She's the owner.
- Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
I love your place.
You hold on to this one.
Henry's big face on TV.
Mama Bitna is also my publicist.
[Laughs.]
[Lively music.]
- [Popping.]
- How did you find this place? I was treating Jay Z once.
He had Wait, I need to guess for what.
Whooping cough.
- How did you - I'm a genius.
- First guess.
- [Laughs.]
[Surf-rock-style electric guitar music.]
- That's great.
- [Laughs.]
[Laughing.]
Hey, nice.
Yeah! - It's amazing.
- [Laughs.]
[Crackling and popping.]
[Cheers and laughter.]
- Good job, God.
- [Chuckles.]
I second that.
[Chuckles.]
It's been a while since I've pulled a non-medical all-nighter.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
You're pretty easy to be with.
You too.
- [Birds chirping.]
- [Chuckles.]
- [Shivers.]
- Mm.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- It's a little big.
- [Chuckles.]
I really need my Uber to get here because I have lots to do before Friday.
Oh, that's right, the prom.
I read your tweets about that.
Instagram the hell out of that, will you? Oh, SheShe will make sure I do.
Yeah.
You want to come on Friday? Oh, my God, are you asking me to the prom? I guess I am, yeah.
[Laughs.]
I'm honored.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I might be able to swing by.
[Murmurs indistinctly.]
[Sultry rock music.]
Prom night! This is so high school.
- When is Delia getting here? - In a bit.
She's swamped at work, but I invited Barbara.
- Is that okay? - And you make it fine She's the editor.
We're getting ready in the limo, and it's all part of the story, right? Oh, my God.
Lisa Rinna has confirmed for tonight's event plus one.
Yes! Maybe she's bringing the "Mad Men" hubber.
Lisa Rinna, really? Are you not into the lips? I just thought it'd be a little more intimate.
The celebrity list is really important to SheShe, and these are people I need to meet for work.
What? [Laughs.]
Harris just posted a picture of us with the Tiki dancer.
- Oh, that's sweet.
- Oh, my God.
That is so great.
I should be tweeting about my maybe mystery date for the prom.
#abby.
- Jo? - Hmm? - Pace yourself.
- I'm a teenager.
Teenagers don't pace.
[Laughs.]
[Laid-back music.]
Hey, man, thanks again for this.
I, uh, had to get the hell out of that apartment.
You ain't lying.
I saw you schlumping around the school the other day.
I said, "someone needs to act.
That man needs a search-and-deodorize mission.
" Yeah.
I have just never been with anyone like Harris bef Okay, okay, tap the brakes a little, Abs.
Come on.
You're not with him yet.
And you just mailed in your divorce papers, you slut.
Well, at least I didn't invite the man I'm divorcing.
- Yeah.
- Mm-mm.
- I still can't believe that.
- He keeps asking me to coffee.
So you asked him to prom? This is my chance to blow up his annoying reformed guy ruse.
For Zooey.
I get him to implode before he breaks her heart.
I'm a genius.
- Just like the prom nights of yore.
- Mm-hm We are gonna give you the girlfriend experience.
- We are going to dance our asses off, - Mm-hm and when we are completely wasted, we are going to do the photo booth pile-in.
And then we're gonna sneak into the girls' bathroom, smoke some cheap cigarettes until the teacher catches us and sends us to detention.
And that's when we go to In-n-Out.
- Oh! - No.
- In the limo.
- No! - Yes.
- Waffle House.
- [Doorbell rings, knock at door.]
- Come in! It's open! - Whoo! - [Laughs.]
- Hi.
- Abby McCarthy? Oh, sorry.
Phoebe, I forgot to tell you, um I asked SheShe if they would hire me some pros, you know, for hair and makeup.
So you guys can totally partake.
Let's just set up in here.
[Sultry jazz music.]
This is strong.
I think we have a shot.
Nope, there is no way the judge is throwing this out before trial.
Leave it to you to burst my bubble.
Oh, which reminds me, how'd it go yesterday, the prenup meeting with Gordon? Oh, right, that was good.
It was just easy.
[Laughs.]
[Sighs.]
Gordon, he just he wants to have kids some day.
He said that he'd give that up for me, but I'm pretty sure that he would resent me forever.
Well, don't not have kids just to win.
I mean, I'm not trying to talk you into anything here, but I just I don't want to become somebody else.
I don't want to become some kind of pod mom.
That's not possible.
Hey, you are Delia Banai.
You would strap that baby on your back, breeze into court, and nail the cross without breaking a sweat.
[Sighs.]
You're so sweet.
I mean it.
You're our powerhouse.
Look, whatever you decide, baby or no baby, we'll make it work.
This firm can't afford to lose you.
I can't afford to lose you.
I don't know what I would do without you.
Oh, me too, Albert.
I feel the same way.
Oh, my God.
I, um uh, you know, excuse me.
I have to just I'm I'm I have to go.
Shit.
[Indistinct chatter.]
So how you dealing with everything, man? It was a tough week, but, uh, you know, it is what it is.
I mean, I'm glad the shoot's coming up.
I'm gonna miss the kids, but I think it'll be good to get out of here, you know? Why didn't you tell us what was going on? Come on, man.
It was complicated.
Man, does she make moving on look easy.
Do you follow her on Twitter? I mean, she's bringing a mystery date to her prom.
I mean, the only mystery is, what does she and the CNN douchebag have to talk about? - Okay, you know what? - 'Cause that guy's a real as much as I love Abby, I vote we don't talk about her for the rest of the night.
Deal? Hey, deal.
[Alternative rock music.]
[Woman singing indistinctly.]
- Jo, can I ask you something? - Is it just me, or is Abby and her team feeling a little bit like Diana Ross and the Supremes, and we're the Supremes? - Totally.
- Mm-hmm.
And don't even get me started with her bringing the CNN dude - two seconds after her divorce - I know is finalized Here's the thing about Abby.
Every time she's stressed, she turns on the whole "everything's fine" front.
Mm.
["Push it" by Salt-N-Pepa plays.]
- Oh, my God.
- [Mouthing words.]
[Gasps.]
This is my theme.
[Laughing.]
- [Grunts.]
- Hello? - [Gasps.]
- Hello.
Oh, you made it.
Both: Mwah.
Mwah.
- You're here.
- Oh.
Okay, you got to give that girl credit 'cause she has been tweeting up a storm.
- Our readers are all over Abby.
- Yeah.
And why is she writing the piece? - I wanted to read your story.
- Oh, we agreed she's the pro.
Yeah, but I like that you're not a pro.
You know, you're fresh and smart and unique.
So you offering me the piece had nothing to do with Abby? No, not at all.
[Indistinct chatter.]
- Yes.
- Her job is to go to a prom.
Not a job, going to a prom.
- Sounds fun to me.
- Oh, come on, man.
If I weren't here with your drunk ass, I'd have gone.
I had a great time at my prom.
- I did, if you know what I mean.
- Ooh, you got laid? No, I got to third base and a half with Karen Marks on the 30-yard line, and actually, I should probably call it an incomplete 'cause I actually ended up just coming in my Got it.
Yep, yep, got it, Captain Overshare.
- Got it.
Got it, yeah.
- Sorry.
Okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
Yeah, my buddies and I had a prank planned for our prom, except we were foiled by our gym teacher.
Bastard.
What was the prank? Let's just say ducks.
[Sighs.]
FYI, I don't normally show this much tit, but my bigamist soon-to-be-ex husband is my date tonight, and he's a former porn addict, and I just want to slam him with my cleave in the face, metaphorically speaking, you know? Not real metaphoric, and that was a lot of information.
It was.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God, you are so hot! All right, I'm calling it! She will be a prom queen by 10:00 and knocked up by 11:00! Oh, no! No! [Both laughing.]
- [Gasps.]
- Hello.
- Ooh! - Wow.
- [Laughs.]
- Abby.
Ta-da.
What decade is that? Oh, uh, this one.
What happened to day-glo sequins? Oh, uh, you know, since Harris is coming, I started to think that, um, this will be our first big public event together, and we'll probably be photographed a lot, so - [Door rattles open.]
- Sorry, sorry.
- Work was really busy.
- [All screaming.]
Oh, my God, everyone looks amazing.
Oh, my God, you look so hot.
Okay, we're all here.
- Pre-prom selfie.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yes? - Okay.
- Okay, get in.
Get in.
Get in.
- Yes.
Everyone, on the count of three, say, "prom night rocks.
" All: Prom night rocks! Whoo! [Upbeat rock music.]
[All cheering.]
Yeah, baby! ["We Got the Beat" by the Go Go's plays.]
- Oh, shit.
- [Laughter.]
All right, guys So I want you to get as many shots of these dresses as you can.
There is some Debbie Gibson look-alike in here that you Oh, I think I saw her.
Come here.
Follow me.
Oh, I want to get a photo of you with Mario Lopez for the site.
- [Laughs.]
- Abs, dance break! Hey, she's needed on the dance floor stat.
I I can't right now, but I'm coming, I promise.
Come on.
Please come dance.
Come dance.
Come dance.
- Please! - I'm work Phoebe, I'm working.
Oh, there he is.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-bap.
Here we go.
- [Chuckling.]
- Whoa.
Jo, that dress, va-voom.
The girls just want to have a little fun, hmm? - Drink, come on.
- No.
If I wanted to poison you, you'd be dead by now.
- It's spiked punch.
- I don't drink much anymore.
Charlene says that alcohol is liquid avoidance, and it's full of sugar.
Oh, Jesus H.
Frumpkis, come on.
I'm not gonna tell your boss, Charlene.
Ha, she's not my boss.
Okay, let's forget our crap and have a little fun tonight, huh? - Huh.
- Come on.
Shall we? - Hmm.
- Follow me.
Everybody get on your feet we got the beat Your column is life, Abby.
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
Sorry, excuse me just one second.
- We got the beat - We got the beat, we got the beat We got the beat, we got the beat We got the beat, we got the beat Harris just texted! He's not coming! Oh, sorry.
That sucks, Abby.
Now I have to go spin this.
We got the beat, we got the beat [Indistinct chatter.]
Sea urchins? White people will eat anything.
Hey, Clark Kent! I'm not paying to find your Lois Lane! Take a picture! Get to clicking! Oh, my God, you are so awesome.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, well, thanks.
Will you be my life coach? Oh, absolutely.
Uh, first life lesson: Don't idolize anyone.
Totally.
Who let Ian Ziering in? I'll be right back.
Okay.
[Upbeat music.]
Hey, are you okay? You seem a little off.
Yeah, you know, things are just, like, a little tense with Gordon, but it's great.
Frumpkis is on his second punch.
This is gonna be a cinch.
He'll be the old Frumpkis in no time.
- Still having fun? - Yeah, it's really it's really exciting.
Oh, oh, right here, right here.
- It's been a long time, right? - I know.
[Camera shutter clicking.]
Well, this has certainly become The Abby McCarthy Show, hasn't it? Guess who stole some champagne.
- [All exclaiming.]
- Oh, my God.
[Laughter.]
- Okay, it's not just me, right? - No.
No, SheShe Abby freakin' shucks.
- Sucks.
- You know what? If she wants the prom so bad, she can have it.
Mm-hmm.
I am so happy right here with my girls.
- Amen, sister.
- Mm-hmm.
I'll drink to that.
- Yeah, you will.
- All righty.
There you go.
Delia, what is going on with you? Nothing.
I just had a really strange day at work.
- I almost made out with my boss.
- What? - No shit, are you serious? - With Albert? - Are you serious? - What is wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with you.
Back in the day, I dumped my prom date to get finger-banged by a weird trombone player.
- Ew.
- Ugh.
- I'll never forget that.
- No.
[Laughter.]
Hey, there you are.
Um, Mitchell asked us if we could all do a girlfriends photo for my column.
Oh, Mitchell's so sentimental.
You can rain check for us.
Seriously? Yeah.
- It's a photo.
- Oh, we can't.
We're too busy analyzing the fact why Delia decided to shove her tongue down her boss's throat.
Oh, would you please? Is something going on with Gordon? Hey, Janice Dickinson's a fan, and she wants to meet you before she goes.
Go work, Abby.
We've got it all handled here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
I don't know how I magically offended you.
Really? You have no idea? I know that I put together this big, elaborate event for you tonight so that you can have your own prom.
And then you totally hijacked it, you and Harris, you and SheShe, you and your column! All right, all right, all right, let's just calm down.
Now, that is exactly what this about.
I am so sorry your huge ego couldn't handle someone wanting me to talk about my experience for once.
You can talk about your experience all you want, Phoebe, but I'm sorry.
This is my column, and I have worked very hard for it.
I worked hard too.
I worked my ass off, and I finally accomplished something that I'm proud of.
You passed the GED! That doesn't make you a writer.
Wow.
[Somber music.]
[Indistinct chatter.]
Abby.
You were pretty harsh back there.
Back off, Barbara.
My friends have turned into a pack of mean girls that resent me, and a guy that I really liked, that I can actually see myself being with, stood me up.
Being with? Okay.
You went on two dates with the doctor, so reel it in a little bit and make nice with your friend who is hurting.
Do you even like Phoebe, or are you just saying that to piss me off? Good Lord, who's being a mean girl now? You.
You have resented me from day one, and I am just sick and tired of tiptoeing around you trying not to upset you.
You want to hate me? Get in line.
[Ducks quacking.]
[Laughter.]
Here, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky.
- Look at the ducks.
- Whoo! Hoo! - Oh-ho, look at that.
- [Laughing.]
Take your picture with the ducks.
Abby, Rhonda, Jo! - Yes! - There you are.
Bring those big, bad titties on over here.
Oh, there's the pervert I know.
I'm having some really bad high school flashbacks.
- Oh.
- Can we get out of here? I've got keys to the bakery.
[Speaking Spanish.]
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
[Speaking indistinctly.]
[Laughing.]
Bye, ducky.
- [Ducks quacking.]
- All right.
- Bye! - Really? [Laughter.]
I'm getting rid of my pillows.
FYI, we took 'em from Echo Park, so you should probably return them to there.
Them is street ducks.
Ghetto ducks.
[Laughter.]
Jesus, Jake, put that down.
Ow! You're so controlling, Marge Simpson.
Did you talk to Lilly yet? What? No.
I Not yet.
Abby, talk to your daughter.
I was going to.
What are you even doing here? And ducks? Seriously, Jake? You knew this night was important to me.
You know what? I'm sorry, I can't just mail the papers and then look all clean and put on a beautiful dress and then go with my new guy who's got a jaw that's all square and go to a prom and then everything is great with life.
I have to feel this.
Is that what you think, that this is easy for me? I don't know.
You're certainly having a good time.
Trust me, I am just trying to stay in motion, because I am afraid if I stop, I will not be able to get going again, ever.
[Indistinct chatter.]
Like a shark that's got to keep moving; otherwise it's gonna get the feels and [claps.]
Yes.
[Soft rock music.]
[Man singing indistinctly.]
Oh, my God, you smell like wet duck.
- Ah.
- It's okay.
- Mmm.
- Ah.
[Laughter.]
- Mmm mmm.
- Oh, mmm.
[Pots clanging.]
[Grunting.]
Scott! Dude, what the hell, man? - Hey! - Come on! Classy cummerbund, RF.
Um, Jo, this is Mary, I know.
I frickin' hired her a week ago.
What is this, the third employee you've kitchen-banged? You told me you'd never done this before.
Well, not with you.
Hey, hey, come on, come on, Mindy, cupcake.
- Mary, Mary.
- Mary Mary, Mary! [Laughing.]
[Laughing.]
Did you see what he [Both laugh.]
Oh, we used to be like that.
You couldn't keep your hands off me.
Oh, please, you were the groper, always trying to jump me on the roof of your place, putting on a show for that homeless lady in the alleyway, you remember? Those were the days.
Yeah.
It was never boring.
Mm-mm.
Whoa, whoa, wait.
No, no, Jo, Jo, Jo, I can't.
I can't.
I can't do this.
I can't do that.
Well, then don't touch my hair, because you know my hair is one of my erogenous zones.
You're right.
Um, I'm sorry.
This isn't who I am anymore.
Oh, come on, Frumpkis.
Give me a break.
You haven't changed.
Charlene, she's just stomped down on your crazy.
That's what that bitch has done.
- That's not true.
- Yeah, she has.
No, it's not true.
She makes me better.
She [Sighs.]
She helps me.
So, what, I brought you down? We brought each other down.
Go back to Kentucky and meditate on a bale of hay with Charlene.
I didn't just come here for business.
I closed on a house in Hancock Park.
We're moving here.
We? Come on, please.
I want to be closer to Zooey Well, me and Charlene.
She wants to get to know her better.
Over my dead body! Over my dead body! I never, ever want you near my daughter ever, ever again! [Somber music.]
["You are Fire" by Lany plays.]
[Laid-back music.]
Round the corner and down the hall Hey.
I saw Jake and the, uh, ducks.
Yeah.
You okay? Fantastic.
I just put Jake and Ford in an Uber and gave the driver 100 bucks for puke cleanup.
How about you? Do I have to worry about you? No, I just I got a little mixed up.
But it's fine.
Nothing happened.
I'm just gonna make it right with Albert tomorrow.
You have a good thing with Gordon.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's hard to find.
- Yeah.
- I should know.
God, before Harris bailed on me tonight, I thought, "finally, work and life fitting together, making sense.
" Abby, did Harris ever say that he was absolutely gonna be here? Not exactly.
Oh, maybe it was all the tweeting, but he said he didn't mind.
Whatever.
Whatever.
I've just been so focused on work and on the Abby Show that I Harris was just the casualty.
Really? That was the only casualty? You know what? Phoebe said a lot of awful things to me too.
Wow.
Are you serious right now? This whole thing was supposed to be about Phoebe.
W-was it ever a question that you were gonna graduate from college, much less high school? I'm pretty sure everybody's been telling you your whole life how smart you are.
Phoebe's never had that, and you just shit all over it.
[Gentle music.]
[Camera shutter clicking.]
Barbara.
[Indistinct chatter and laughter.]
The DJ just asked me what it was like when Clinton's husband was president.
[Laughs.]
I think I'm done, but thank you for an unforgettable evening.
It was my pleasure.
Are you okay? Golden.
Good night.
Good night.
Be safe.
Hey.
Hey.
I made you something.
It kind of sucks, but, um [Indistinct chatter.]
And I don't know - [Snorting.]
- [Feedback whines.]
Excuse me, can I have everyone's attention please? Hello.
Ooh, hi.
[Laughs.]
Hello.
Thanks so much, everyone, for being here.
The last four years have been quite the ride, but every ride has to come to an end.
[Laughter.]
But tonight, it is our honor to present this year's award for most likely to succeed to Miss Phoebe Conte.
[Applause.]
That's so sweet.
[Indistinct chatter.]
[Tender music.]
Yay.
[Laughs.]
Where did Delia go, did she leave? I she's probably having some sexy sexy time with Gordon.
Ho-ho.
Ooh.
Oh, I have a genius idea.
What? Why don't we write the whole prom piece together? - Oh.
- That'd be so much fun.
Maybe? I don't I don't know if I want to.
- What? - I think I got I think I got caught up in feeling the love.
I think I need to hit the pause button and think about what's next for my future.
You sound like an actual high school graduate.
You sound highly confused.
Thank you.
[Laughs.]
I'm sorry about Harris not showing up.
Oh, I just hate not knowing where I stand, and the other night, it felt so real and special and Isn't that funny? All real one night, and all poof the next.
[Laughs.]
[Gentle music.]
Hey, where's the duck? Do you want to go into our limo? - Uh-huh.
I'm gonna drop you.
- Okay.
Hello, limo driver.
Hello.
- Ow! - [Laughs.]
Hey.
[Laughs.]
Sorry to just show up like this.
Wh what's up? Is everything all right? Everything's great, yeah.
I just wanted to talk to you in person.
IRL.
Okay, uh, now isn't exactly the best time.
Um, did I do something wrong? Uh, no, wrong? I don't know what you mean.
Because you didn't show up tonight.
I mean, I know I got carried away with the posting of the photos, and I I really made a fuss about you Abby, I went out to have drinks with a friend.
One thing led to another, and and that's all.
Are you on a date? Could you keep your voice down, please? Oh, my God, is she here right now? Abby, Jesus.
I thought I finally met someone who had her shit together.
Oh, I my shit is so together, it is compact.
Go home, Abby.
- You're not ready for this.
- Oh, yeah? Well, you're not ready for this.
- [Knocks.]
- Hi.
Delia.
What are you wearing? I I came here to apologize for that moment earlier.
- It just - Delia, hold on.
No, please let me finish.
I respect you, and I value our professional relationship, and I would hate to think that I did anything to jeopardize that or to weird Mmm.
No, I can't.
I can't.
Jo? - Hey.
- What happened? Oh, I made an ass of myself.
Well, you wouldn't believe what I just did.
Did you throw yourself at your ex-husband, get rejected, and start hurling cream puffs at his head? Almost.
Sans the cream puffs, but, uh, if I had some I still want him.
Oh, God, I don't even like the new Frumpkis.
He's this juice cleansing pussy.
I like the old asshole version better.
What is wrong with me? Oh, no.
Maybe the same thing that's wrong with me.
I don't think I'm handling the Jake thing so well.
These residual feelings with exes, trying to move on or not, it's making me loco.
[Laughs.]
[Sultry music.]
[Heavy breathing.]
[Door clicks and rattles.]
Mom? What are you doing out of bed? 'Cause I need to talk to you.
I'll be passed out upstairs.
Okay.
Okay, honey, I just need you to know that Mommy's not at her best.
It's okay.
I just I know that you've been having a hard time and we need to talk, and I've been meaning to talk to you I want to move in with Dad.
What? I want to see him more, and it's not gonna be forever, just until he goes.
Uh, okay, can we talk about this in the morning? I have to ask your Dad Dad says it's okay.
I just have to ask you.
So, can I? Mom, please.