Golan the Insatiable (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

1 Awesome! We're not even at the lake yet and our weekend of murder has already begun.
Oh, it's gonna be torture! What's the stupid point of going to Keith's family cabin without Keith? - I never have any fun! - Cheer up, honey.
I never have any fun either, and I'm happy.
We're here! It's time to slaughter a wild beast and eat its still-beating heart.
Listen, puny girl, when we get into the wilderness, I'm in charge of all the bloodshed.
You're in charge of growing up, becoming a woman and leaving Golan alone with his cats and his hobbies.
Guys, this weekend isn't about bloodshed and Golan's inevitable loneliness.
It's our chance to have a nice, safe, family vacation without the Knudsens.
Woo-hoo! The Knudsens are in the lake house! We realized we lent you the Knudsens' cabin without the best part the Knudsens! We weren't expecting to see you Keith, and Go-Go, and Keith Sr.
Seen your caboose, and me likey.
Waah! All aboard the Carole Beekler express! Choo choo! Alexis, I'm here! Surprise! Oh, Keith! You're so popular! Go get 'em junior.
I got hours of this stuff.
Whoa, Keith's dad is even cooler than Keith! Beer bottle cannon! It's filled with bees, so I'd run if I were me.
Run! 2x05 - On Golan Pond And if anybody wants to shoot a gun, there's one somewhere in the cabin.
I'm not sure where it is, but it is loaded, just like I was when I hid it.
Guys, look who found a gun! Wah! Aww, my top stayed on.
Is that a flat screen at the bottom of your hot tub? - Is that even safe? - No.
Three electricians had to die so we could watch Sports Center through the bubbles.
My Dad's got more than a dozen flat screens out here.
- Yeah, but zero flat wives.
- Show 'em, Mom! Okay! I got this one for Christmas, and I got this one for Valentine's day! Must have been an awkward New Years.
- Why? - Golan, Golan! Now's our chance to escape into the wilderness! God's creatures aren't gonna cave in their own skulls.
Actually, I don't feel so hot.
Urgh.
- Ugh, I better sit this one out.
- What? But we've been talking about killing innocent wildlife for weeks now, Golan! Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I couldn't change my mind! Whoa, you are moodier than normal today.
What are you, like, PMSing all over the place? I am not PMSing, Dylan, I'm just bloated right now, and if I had a husband, there's no freaking way we'd be having sex right now.
Not remotely in the mood! N-O, mister.
But, what about our harrowing adventure? I'm not going unless you trick me! Look at that, two races united by their love of cookies.
We've come so far, but we still have so far to go! What the hell is wrong with me today? Master, come quick! Uh, one of your nemeses came through a dimensional rift in the woods and he called you fat! Fat!? Ugh.
I bet it was Zolar from the ice swamp.
He's always putting people down to make himself feel better.
It's sad, really.
We must kill him! Let's go, Golan! Not bad for a hippopotamus.
Oh they could fall off that thing.
- Aren't there leeches in Leech Lake? - I do not know.
Whoa, hey, hey, hey! So, there are! - Let's get these leeches wasted! - Waah! Yo, Party-bot! Bring us some shots! Be-boo-bop.
Have a shot with party bot.
Oh, no thank you.
I need to stay vigilant over my children.
Nerd alert! Nerd alert! Nerd alert! - What? - Carole what I think Party-bot's trying to say is as a single mother, you're always doing things for your children, but when was the last time you had any fun.
- Are you happy? - I'm happy.
You know what? I will have a shot with Party-bot! - Whoo! - Hey! Way to open up that throat, Beeks.
And now, if you'll excuse me, my lady I'm going to finish this pee in the bathroom.
He is so good at peeing.
- Alexis, I've been thinking.
- Oh, yeah? And I think it's time to take our relationship to the next level.
- You do? - There's a magical place in the woods and it's called "dry hump stump.
" - You wanna have outercourse with me? - More than you'll ever know.
This is so romantic.
I feel like Lena Dunham.
Me too, Alexis.
Me too.
You have reached your destination.
Zolar, show yourself! - Zolar? - Golan, you're gonna love this.
There was never a Zolar! Oh, no! Is his name Bolar with a "B"? Have I been calling him the wrong name all these years? No, I just made the whole thing up - to get you out here in the woods.
- You lied to me? I'm so proud of you.
I know you've been talking crap about me behind my back! Do you think Keith Sr.
only likes me because of my HBO Go account? - I just wanna dance! - Whoa, what is wrong with you today? I don't know.
Uh-oh.
Has it already been 500 years? No wonder I've been so hormonal.
I've entered my rejuvenation cycle.
What is a rejew-inflation-bicycle? I'm molting, stupid.
You know, when you shed your exoskeleton and Golan? Golan? Stop poking me, dummy! You're alive! Well, thanks for the update, Dr.
Dylan.
Now reach into my mouth and pull me out of here.
It stinks! Golan, is that you? Aww, you're so cute! Whoa, I'm still super evil I'll have you know.
In fact, I'm more insatiable than ever! I can still murder, and pillage, and destroy, and Aww, somebody's tired from a long car ride, aren't they? Hey, this is serious! For the next 24 hours until I regenerate, I'll be completely vulnerable with no army to protect me.
Hey, we're not safe! We need to get back in the cabin immediately.
Come on! - No! - Yes! No! Whoa! Now we're stuck out here! And I, Dylan of house Beekler will prove myself by protecting you with my unworthy life! You have reached your destin Today is the day, huh, junior? - Taking your lady to the stump? - Oh, yeah.
I'm even wearing the outercourse jeans you gave me.
Same pair I wore, and my father wore, and his father before him.
- Whoa! These jeans are old.
- And dry.
Hey, junior, like my father said to me, you better come back chafed, or don't you come back at all.
Oh, it's hopeless.
You can't possibly protect me from my legion of foes.
Whoa, you're leaving? But, I need that split second my enemies are eating you to roll away! I just need to set up a few more traps to secure the parameter.
Come on, quit it, quit it! Oh, hey man, what's up? All right, I surrender! I'll service you sexually if that's what you want! Even if it's what you don't want! Ha! That's right.
Run, coward! You'll always wonder what could've been! I would have let you put your beak anywhere! Anywhere! I did it! Dare complete.
Good thing I brought my weekend wig.
Party-bot, you're up.
Truth or dare? - Truth, please.
- Okay.
What really happened when you were diffusing bombs in Azerbaijan? Uh Dare! I meant dare.
I totally meant dare.
I dare you to kiss Beeks.
Uh, I am not trying to wuss out, bro, I just do not think Carole would be into it.
Jeez, are you a Party-bot or a Party-Not? That joke's not gonna get funnier because you keep saying it.
Come on, Party-bot.
Let's have a fun little kiss.
It don't mean nothing.
Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss! And I know my pride must fall like those leaves in fall downwind so cold and low Okay, go-go Now, it's a party! - Yeah, do it! - Carole, Carole! Heh, now, to leave something shiny to attract those stupid animals.
Golan, I've set traps all over the woods and Golan? Oh, no! Something took Golan.
Huh.
I see.
A wolf snuck up on my brave master.
But, even in his weakened state, Golan refused to back down from the battle.
While facing certain doom, Golan never abandoned his dignity.
Me eh-er-eh-er-eh-er you.
Huh? Refusing to surrender, Golan continued to battle the ferocious beast deep into the heart of the woods.
I'm coming Golan! I will protect you! Oww! Oh, Keith.
The stump really brings out the popularity in your eyes.
- Make dry love to me! - Uh, why don't we talk first? I heard the mayor wants to get a cat.
Do you think he'll get a cat or no cat? You know so much about politics, Keith.
Take me.
No! I can't.
It's just that my Dad has been putting all this pressure on me to bring you here.
But, I don't want to chafe you for my Dad, I wanna chafe you for us.
I'm just not ready.
Oh, Keith.
If you're not ready, then neither am I.
Ooh! Something shiny! - Dibs! - No, me Oh, please, please, don't kill me, don't kill me! Uh? Oh, hey, aww, come on.
Hey, mom, ah! Quit it, would you? You're making me look like a nerd.
Hmm.
Well, I guess we're just gonna have to share, Runty.
Oh my god, is that Taylor Lautner? So easy.
You wolves all love your Lautner.
I mean, I don't even like the taste of pumpkin, but every fall I just have to order - a pumpkin spice latte.
- Pumpkin spice latte! Totally.
Did you did someone We like the same pumpkin beverage.
I never want this night to end.
Maybe it doesn't have to.
The Knudsens could bring you back to Oak Grove and we can get Netflix, and we can That sounds nice.
But, it is not meant to be.
Party-bot? Keith Sr.
is trading me in for a newer model of Party-bot with a more sophisticated drink menu.
He had a mojito at sandals and now he is, like, totally obsessed.
But, I could teach you how to make mojitos.
No! It is way too complicated.
But, maybe we could run away together? Party-bot? Where are you? I cannot wait to return you for a better and newer model! Forget I said anything about running away.
It is too crazy.
You have to be a little crazy to fall in love.
Let's do it.
Oh, darling, the way the moonlight reflects off your eyes makes you look Connection fail! System crash! Critical operating system error! Critical operating system error! Listen, I think we can wiggle out of here.
- Ugh, come on.
- Oh.
Good thinking, baby.
Oh, yeah.
That's good.
Uh-huh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Wait.
- Alexis, what's happening? - Ugh! If this is real I'll make it home somehow 'cause I don't wanna be the one to let you down I'm compromising my morals and it tingles.
Dad Daaad! What the hell, Runty? Can't you tell we're sleeping off our plentiful milk feast? Mom, when are we gonna eat Runty? Intruders! Runty, sacrifice yourself.
You were never meant to survive in this world.
At least you can go to hell a hero.
Golan, your faithful protector arrives! Dylan? Die, you wolf son of a bitch! Dylan, you arrowed me! Oh, no! Golan, you're bleeding.
I've gotta get you to a doctor.
Fine.
But if I'm good, I want a sticker and a lollipop.
Both! Oh, well, if we are counting butt stuff then recalculating.
Actually, you know what, don't tell me your number.
The past is the past.
73.
We have arrived.
Beep, boop, bop! What is this place? This is where all Party-bots go to avoid being exchanged for new models.
Please, try not to embarrass me.
Need to rest for a second.
Sure, take all the time you'd like.
I'm only bleeding to death over here.
Okay, I'm gonna pull out the arrow on three.
Awesome! You idiot! Put it back! Put it back! What the hell's wrong with you? - Put it back in the same spot! - Oh! - What the hell is that? - Runty? Is that you? My god, you look great.
Somebody's had some work done.
Have you met my delicious acolyte, Dylan? Huh? Dylan, tell him how full of pie you are.
Screw you! You know when somebody just doesn't like you for no reason? That's Runty in a nutshell.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait.
What are you doing? You can't go out there and fight that thing? I made a vow to protect you, Golan, and if I don't come back, I want you to know you're the most fearsome, abusive master an acolyte could ask for.
And Dylan, I want you to know I haven't been to all the places I bought travel spoons for.
Damn it, Dylan, hold on! I'm coming to help! Dylan? Why is it so quiet? It's 'cause you killed Runty, right? This isn't funny.
Dylan? Runty! Oh hey, buddy.
I-I was rooting for you the whole time.
Remember when mom wanted to eat you and I was like, "No, mom, Runty's a valuable and handsome member of the family"? Dylan! Oh-ho! I mean, uh, hey, Dylan, what's up? Real impressive there.
You killed a Runt.
Now, to eat his still-beating heart and absorb his life force! Ack! Oh, god, disgusting! You don't eat it for the taste, you eat it for the virility.
Uh, duh.
Aww, don't waste it! Good luck getting it up now.
Wait! I love her.
There.
I have said it.
I am in love with - I wanna say, Carl? - Carole.
Carole, right.
Carole.
I love you, Carole.
More than anything in the world.
You are the most important - Uh, I wanna say, woman? - Yeah.
We are home now.
Help! Help us! Help! - What was that? - Help! Somebody help us! Mom? Anybody? Oh my goodness, what am I doing? Party-bot, thank you.
You helped me realize I do need to take time for myself and have fun.
But, I belong with my kids.
My home is with them.
Even though I am sad, I understand.
And every time I hear the wind blow, I will hear the name Carl.
- Carole.
- And promise me one thing.
Anything.
Please, do not tell my wife about us.
Keep going! The rope, it's ripping! And tearing! Ugh! Oh, my gosh.
Oh, so hot.
But it was a dry heat.
Hey, what's wrong, baby? You're not glowing like I am.
- I wanted the first time to be special! - Oh, it was special.
You didn't chafe me for you dad.
- You chafed me for us.
- Wow, Alexis.
You're right.
And as Alexis and I walked side by side, I realized that right in front of me was something shiny.
Ooh, something shiny! - Dibs! - Whoa! If this is real Help! Help us! Help! Stop.
Put me down.
- Come close, Dylan.
- What is it, m'lord? This is it.
I'm gonna die.
- No, Golan, you can't.
- Don't tell me what to do, bossypants! Oh, god.
Goodbye, Dylan.
I knew you couldn't protect me.
Every breath is agony.
But, before I go, I present to you the "I told you so" song.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na I told you so na-na-na-na-na-na-na na-na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na-na I told you so Dylan! Golan! Wait, I think I hear my mother.
- That whore.
- No, Golan, that whore is my mother! - Mom! Mom, over here! - Oh, Dylan.
Thank goodness you're okay.
- What is that adorable bloody mess? - It's me, Golan.
I molted.
Hey, Carole, you're positively glowing.
- Did you get laid? - Oh a lady never tells.
Oh, there you are, Carole.
Hey, where's Party-bot? I need to give him his robot aids medicine.
- What?! - Hey! Shut up down there! You're killing the mood! Hey, what are you two kids doing? Just making my pops proud by succumbing to peer pressure and chafing a babe that I was not prepared to chafe.
That's my boy! Dry-five! Everyone, look at me! Before I leave this world, I want you all to know Dylan's the one who's been putting bugs in Alexis' underwear.
Ugh! I knew those bugs weren't coming out of me.
Golan! I'm alive? I'm alive! Oh, Dylan, guess what.
I'm ali Oww! Oh, ugh, really? Oh, I've been buried alive.
Oh, you suck so much, Dylan.
Dylan! Go ahead, Mom, open it.
What are the changes you and dad both die of robot aids? - Dylan, you stupid idiot jerk! - Golan, you're alive! I did it! I protected you!