Grand Crew (2021) s02e05 Episode Script
Wine & Children
1
To getting through another week.
- Clang, clang.
- ALL: Clang
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wyatt, you don't cheers with water.
- I'm not drinking tonight.
- Stop. It's bad luck.
I don't subscribe to that.
It's not bad luck. I'll be fine, hmm?
- Clang, clang.
- ALL: Clang, clang.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
[COUGHING VIOLENTLY]
- Ugh.
- I'm fine.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Whoa!
- [GASPS]
- Oh!
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
Oh, I dropped my phone.
ALL: Ooh!
♪
Somebody get me a damn glass of wine.
Get him a wine. Get him a wine.
Whoop, whoop ♪
Cabernet and sauvignon ♪
Team is here and now it's on ♪
Carry on and Carignan,
sippin' on Perignon ♪
Fine wine, got notes like a cello ♪
Pull up in the spot like hello ♪
If you got me, then I got you ♪
This is the vibe, this is the crew ♪
Grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Grand crew, grand
crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Grand crew ♪
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS]
- Okay.
- Okay, Sherm.
I see the extra pep in that
step what's good, bro?
Thank you for noticing my
cry for attention, Noah.
So check this out.
I met a woman at the office today.
"The office"? You mean your car?
Yes, I'm a driver, therefore
my car is my office.
I get it. The windshield
is your cubicle,
desk is the dashboard,
engine is the boss.
- Thank you, Nicky.
- Mm-hmm.
So this woman at work
The customer that you were driving.
Semantics.
Anyway, this baddie in the
back seat starts chatting me up,
and you know I keeps it professional.
It's not good business to make moves.
But then as she's getting out,
she asked me for my personal number.
- Hey.
- Okay.
I hope that you submitted
the proper HR forms
to your glove compartment.
Man, what are you talking about?
Anyway, so she's a cool,
successful businesswoman,
and she's a mommy.
Whoa, that sounds like a lot.
I don't know if I could date a mommy.
So we're all just saying "mommy" now?
Anthony, I was once immature like you.
I thought it would be strange to
date a mommy with a little kid.
But Sally, she's
- a hot mommy.
- Mm.
You know, I think I could be open
- to dating a mommy.
- Okay.
- I'm going back to work.
- Bye.
I mean, we're all in our 30s now.
It's actually kind of weird
that none of us have kids.
Uh, speak for yourself.
- I have kids.
- Wyatt, for the last time,
your plants are not your children.
Oh, so the term "plant
dad" has no meaning to you?
- BOTH: No!
- Absolutely not!
Enough crazy talk, Wyatt.
Listen, Sherm, I would
be worried about that kid.
They are 100% going to hate you.
Please, Sherm love kids.
And the kids love Sherm.
Noah, back me up.
As the children of a single parent,
we would be so upset if our
dad started dating someone else.
- Right?
- Right.
Right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right,
- right, right, right
- So many "rights."
- Something's wrong.
- Um
An "um" and an eye roll?
- What's going on?
- Okay, fine.
You know Dad and I
have been talking more,
and now that we're able to be
more vulnerable with each other,
I maybe encouraged him
to join a dating site.
What? Ugh! We had a pact
after Mom died no new moms!
That was in middle school.
We're different people now.
No! I'm the same person I was.
I don't want a new mom,
I love Blu Cantrell,
and I still have an AOL email address!
I don't want a new mom!
[JAZZY MUSIC]
So
Ojai was
fun.
Yeah, Ojai was very fun.
I didn't think we were gonna
Oh, same here. [CHUCKLES]
- Then I was like, "What?"
- And I was like, "Huh?"
- And then we were like
- BOTH: Hey.
[BOTH LAUGH]
So, um, we probably shouldn't
tell anybody about this.
- Oh, absolutely not.
- Yeah.
The second anybody finds out,
then it becomes a whole
- Whole thing-thing.
- Yes, exactly.
And while we're on the topic
of the thing-thing thing,
typically, when friends
start hooking up,
they try to convince themselves
that they can just be casual,
but eventually someone catches
feelings or gets jealous.
- Yep, exactly.
- Mm-hmm.
And then the thing-thing
becomes a thang.
- Yeah, and we don't want it to become a thang.
- No.
So no more hooking up, then.
All good.
- One and done.
- One and done.
- I like that.
- Hey.
- It was a pleasure.
- Ah, pleasure was all mine.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
[BOTH BREATHE DEEPLY]
How about two and through?
Yeah, two and through is great.
♪
- I had a great time tonight.
- Yeah, me too.
I'm sorry I did such
a long victory dance
after I whupped that ass at pool.
- You don't seem that sorry.
- You're right. I ain't.
You're lucky you're sexy.
Oh, ain't that the pottle
calling the kettle thick.
[GIGGLES]
♪
Wow, I can't believe that worked.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- It's all working.
I would invite you
in, but my son is home.
I know it's early in us getting to
know each other for you to meet him.
Oh, nah, that's cool.
I'll meet the little man.
- You sure?
- Yeah. Let's go.
[CHILL MUSIC]
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Welcome home.
How was y'all's date?
- Who this?
- This is my son, Elias.
- Elias, this is Sherm.
- What's up, bro?
That's a grown-ass man.
♪
So Noah tells me that
you're on a dating site?
Oh, yes, he helped me set up a profile
on a dating website called HeartMatch.
Let me help.
You need a woman's point of view.
- A woman like my own daughter?
- Exactly.
[CHUCKLES] Let's dive in.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
There we go. We're in.
- This is my profile.
- Okay.
Well, let's first discuss
this profile picture.
I mean, all of these are really great,
but have you thought
about posting one picture
of you and Mom on your wedding day?
Wouldn't that make people
think I'm still married?
No, it would signal to
people that you're a widower.
Plus, women would like to see
what your dead wife looks like
so they could tell if
they're your type or not.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
And your bio okay.
It says that you're a-a business owner.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's too
intimidating for some women.
- I would just put "unemployed."
- Really?
Dating has changed
tremendously since I was young.
It truly has.
And when you get a message
Oh, you got a lot of messages already.
Yeah, apparently I'm
something called a "zaddy."
- Is that a bad thing?
- [SOFTLY] Oh, my God.
[NORMAL VOICE] No. That
is just a random word.
It's not good or bad,
but people use it like "buddy" or "pal."
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
You've been messaging a
woman named Brenda a lot.
Oh, yes, Brenda.
Um, we've been seeing
each other regularly.
- It's nice.
- So you got a girlfriend?
It's heading in that direction.
She's a very special woman.
That's great.
So it turns out Sally's son
was a lot older than I expected.
- How much older we talking?
- I was expecting Tahj Mowry.
He looked like Kyle Lowry.
- Damn.
- So he's a little bit older.
It doesn't seem like
that would be so bad.
Well, you're wrong as usual.
It's just weird. He's, like, our age.
- [PERSON SCREAMS ON TV]
- [GASPS]
[CREATURE ROARING]
So you went to Hamilton.
Do you know Jermaine Walker?
Yes.
[LAUGHING] Yo, Elias knows Jermaine?
Oh, I love that guy.
Tell Elias to tell
Jermaine I said what's up.
I will not be doing that.
Your problems are
nothing compared to mine.
Our dad's getting serious
with some trick named Brenda.
- Noah, did you know about her?
- No, but I think it's great.
Look, Dad's been single since Mom died.
- Brenda might be good for him.
- [SCOFFS]
You and Brenda are both tricks.
Nicky, you're obviously just upset
because you don't want
someone to replace Mom.
Yeah, I've never denied that.
I've been pretty vocal about it.
- She has.
- Very clear POV.
Look, we can disagree on no new moms,
but we can agree on no new Brendas.
I found her socials.
Look at this ho.
You found her Instagram?
Yeah, and I sent it to all of you.
You've never online stalked
someone using reverse image search
with a screengrab from Dad's computer?
[INCREDULOUS MUMBLING] Grow up, Noah.
Look at her captions.
Look at her captions.
"Live, laugh, lobster"?
"It's taco o'clock-O."
- "Carpe chocolate."
- Yikes.
Oh, yeah, that's a wrap on Brenda.
Well, I think it's healthy
that Dad is open to companionship again.
Nicky, if you're so worried,
then let's ask Dad to
meet her over dinner.
Ooh, dinner that is
the perfect opportunity
to stop this thing before
it gets more serious.
Or this could be an opportunity
for you to give her a
chance and get to know her.
Yeah. Nah, I'ma go for my reason.
I hate yours.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
Anthony, thank you so
much for rushing over.
Yeah, of course.
Is everything okay?
What was the emergency?
Kristen's auntie caught
the Holy Ghost at church
and fell down a flight of stairs.
- Damn. I hope she's okay.
- She'll be fine. God's got it.
The emergency is I have to
pick up Kristen from work,
then I have to go to San Diego,
but I need you to
take care of my plants.
Are you for real?
Why don't you just water them right now?
You think taking care of plants
is just putting water in a pot?
I bet you think that poinsettias need
bright, direct sunlight
well, they don't.
They need bright,
indirect sunlight, idiot.
- I can leave right now.
- No, no, no, no, no!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Get off me.
- I'm sorry. I need you.
I need you. I'm sorry. It's dad stuff.
- You wouldn't get it.
- I came as soon as I could.
- What's the emergency?
- It's his plants.
- Are you freakin' kidding me?
- I'm sorry.
It was last minute, and
I sent out a mass text.
But at least now you
two can split the tasks.
Tomorrow is watering
day, and here is a manual
of everything that you need to do.
It shouldn't take more than four hours.
BOTH: Four hours?
[SMOOTH MUSIC]
♪
Morning, Dad. [LAUGHS]
I'm just playing, man. [CHUCKLES]
- We're, like, the same age.
- Ah, how about that?
Hey, look, we don't
have to make this weird.
I'm just getting home myself.
I got it in last night, too.
You remember Jermaine's cousin, right?
Stop. I can't.
It's just I'm dating your
mom. Me and you, we ain't friends.
Okay?
Baka.
Baka? Really?
You throwing around anime words,
and you probably don't
even know the big three.
Like hell I don't.
[SCOFFS] "One Piece,"
"BLEACH," "Naruto."
Mm, "Naruto" is my jam.
Mine too, but Kabuto has
more of an interesting journey
throughout the series.
So you just one of them
dudes that has hot takes
- just to seem different.
- Well, yeah.
If that was really the case,
then you would know that Naruto
and Kabuto are both trash.
Kaguya is the real deal.
[CLICKS TONGUE] I respect that take.
And I respect the
respect you're showing me.
- Hmm.
- [GRUNTS ODDLY]
What you on for the rest of the day?
Chillin'. Why?
Trying to hang?
Just me and my friends
on this side, hey ♪
Just me and my friends on this side ♪
Just me and my best
friend walkin' down ♪
Been through a lot of things ♪
But I'm still focused ♪
Baby, I feel your emotion,
let's get it rollin' ♪
Been through a lot of things ♪
But I'm still focused ♪
Baby, I feel your emotion,
let's get it rollin' ♪
Just me and my friends on this side ♪
Go, best friend, go, go, best friend ♪
- Go, best friend ♪
- Go, best friend, go ♪
Go, best friend, go,
go, best friend, go ♪
Okay, remember, be nice, you know?
Try to be accepting of Brenda.
What are you talking about?
I never agreed to that.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
- Nicky, Noah, this is Brenda.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Brenda, these are my
children, Nicky and Noah.
Oh, it is so nice to
finally meet you both.
It's so nice to meet you, too.
I love that jacket.
Well, thank you, Noah.
- I made it myself.
- [SOFTLY] It's ugly.
- Oh, excuse me?
- [NORMAL VOICE] Hmm?
Oh, I said, "Welcome
to my father's house."
- It's very nice to meet you.
- Oh, honey, put that away now.
Where I come from, we hug.
- Come on!
- Ooh, it's happening.
- Look at you.
- [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Mm. [GASPS]
- Come here.
- Come here.
- Aw.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- [SOFTLY] I hate her.
- Nice to meet you, sweetie.
Okay, now that we've cleaned the plants,
it's saying the last thing we need to do
is "play the plant voice
memo to enrich the space."
Alexa, play Wyatt's plant voice memo.
Y'all are some beautiful-ass plants,
all green and whatnot.
- I mean, damn, keep growing.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Keep growing. Keep growing.
What is it gonna be like
if Wyatt and Kristen have actual kids?
- Intense. [LAUGHS]
- True, very true.
All right, well, we did it.
We got through this as two friends
who no longer have sex with each other.
I'm proud of us.
- Yeah.
- Two and through.
Two and through.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Why are you holding the dap?
I could ask you the same question.
Hey, so, um [CLICKS TONGUE]
How about three and free?
- Three and free?
- Mm-hmm.
- I like it.
- Alexa, dim the lights.
Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hey.
I said, "Sir, I am sorry.
"You don't get to tell me when or where
I can do the Electric Slide."
[BOTH LAUGH]
She is one funny woman.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Every day I tell her,
"You should be on NPR."
[SOFTLY] Hmm, I can't
believe he's so into her.
[SOFTLY] I think it's sweet.
- You do?
- I do.
Ooh. I love this wine y'all brought.
- Mmm.
- [NORMAL VOICE] Oh, thank you.
That is Nicky's favorite wine, actually.
[NORMAL VOICE] It is. It is.
Yeah, it seems like you two
have something in common.
- Just one thing.
- Hey.
Y'all want to see this
little wine trick I learned?
- Sure.
- Check this out.
You pour some water in it
and the wine lasts longer.
- What would Jesus do?
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh.
- Wow.
What a neat wine trick, right, Noah?
It definitely has more liquid.
- Uh-huh.
- So [CLEARS THROAT]
Maybe Brenda's onto something. [LAUGHS]
[SOFTLY] Fine, I hate her.
[SOFTLY] Ha. Told ya.
I can't believe how long
it took you to realize
- how terrible Brenda is.
- We just met her an hour ago.
Whatever. You were
wrong, and I was right.
Fine, okay? We can't
let this be Dad's future,
and it can't be our future either.
We got to get rid of her, but how?
Ooh, okay.
Tell Dad that she tried to [BLEEP] you.
- What?
- I don't know.
You haven't come up with an idea yet.
We just started
brainstorming, you dummy.
- What is it with you and time?
- Stop it. Shut up. I got it.
What does Dad have
absolutely zero tolerance for?
- BOTH: [DEEP VOICE] Reefer.
- I know.
But what are we supposed to
do plant weed on Brenda?
Yes, that's the plan,
and he's gonna break
up with her on the spot.
We just have to find some weed.
Oh, I have a ton of weed on me.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, snap.
So do I. I love California.
- Me too. Ah!
- [BOTH GIGGLING]
So, Sherm, how are things going
with Sally and her big son?
Oh, things with Sally are going good,
but things with Elias are going great.
He's the man.
That's quite the change of heart.
Yeah, a classic Sherm 180.
Who needs Tahj Mowry,
when you can hang out
with NBA legend Kyle Lowry?
- [CHUCKLES]
- I got to get out of here.
I'm meeting up with Elias' mom.
We gonna go watch
Elias spin at El Condor.
- Peace.
- Peace.
That was a quick hang.
Yeah, so, uh, I wanted to thank y'all
for watering my plants today.
- Oh, of course.
- No problem.
And I also wanted to let y'all know
that most houses nowadays
have security systems,
and they come with cameras.
- Cameras?
- Mm-hmm.
So
you saw us having sex?
Wait. What?
No, I saw y'all underwatering my
banana plants in the courtyard.
Y'all had sex in my house? Where?
That depends.
Which rooms in your house have cameras?
Rooms? Plural?
How many places did y'all
have sex in my house?
- Three.
- Four.
Hold up, are you
counting the dining room
and the kitchen as separate?
'Cause the open floor
plan's a little confusing.
- Oh, come on.
- Okay, we're sorry.
But if you could keep this between us,
that would be great.
Yeah, we're really trying to not
make this a whole thing-thing.
Okay, but if it's not a thing-thing,
then what is it?
BOTH: Um
Look, I know I'm not the best
person to give advice on this.
I'm just an old married
plant dad with 74 kids.
But keeping it a secret will only
make it more of a thing-thing.
Hey, you looking good.
- Ready to go?
- [CHUCKLES]
Uh, actually, that's what
I want to talk to you about.
Oh, okay. We should be quick, though,
because Elias' DJ set
starts in, like, 20.
Right, well, first of all,
I love how you and
my son have connected.
Oh, yeah, for sure. That's my guy.
Uh, which makes what I'm about
to say a little bit harder.
I just don't feel like we're a match.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm sorry, but I wanted
to be up front with you.
Oh, no, no, I I
appreciate your honesty.
Um, I just hope we can remain friends.
I don't typically do
that with men I date.
Oh, nah, I was talking
about me and Elias.
Mmm, mmm, Franklin,
baby, I know those cute little
toes of yours must be tired
because you put both of
your feet in this cake, too.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Don't make me laugh while
I'm eating my dessert.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY] What fun.
- Let me get your plate.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Oh, yeah. No worries.
- Oh, oh, no.
- Oh.
Nicky, you are so clumsy. [CHUCKLES]
- Let me help.
- Oh, I'll get it. Don't worry.
No, no, no. We insist.
[GIGGLES]
- [BAG RUSTLING]
- Wait a minute.
What is this?
Is this
BOTH: Reefer?
I've never seen it up close.
But, yeah, this looks like
the images I saw on my D.A.R.E. program.
Oh, that is reefer.
- Brenda, is this yours?
- What? No. That's not my weed.
You can't believe a word
that comes out of her
dope-smoking mouth, Dad.
I'm disgusted.
Franklin, look, I swear to God.
I don't know what they talking about.
That is not my weed. This is my weed.
- Uh, what?
- Yeah.
Prescription, extra-strength.
I'm sorry. I'm very confused.
If this isn't your reefer,
whose reefer is this?
I can't believe both my children
brought reefer into my home.
- Brenda did, too.
- Yeah.
- She has a prescription.
- Yeah, doctor's orders.
You know, you two smoking
reefer is one thing,
but why would you try and frame Brenda?
No reason.
Yeah, we're just shaking things up.
Fine. We just don't thing
Brenda's right for you at all.
Well, that's too bad, missy,
'cause that's my man and I'm his woman.
- Brenda, hold on.
- Baby, I'm sorry.
I'm just a little high right now.
I don't think Brenda's
right for me either.
- BOTH: What?
- Say what now?
Wait, you said that she was, like,
special and she was on her way
to becoming your girlfriend.
So, like, what?
Because I was too uncomfortable
to tell my daughter the
real reason I like Brenda.
Oh, God.
Wait. I don't I don't understand.
What what's the real reason?
Yeah, what's the real reason?
[SIGHS] Sex.
- BOTH: Oh, no.
- What? What?
Wait a minute. This has been about sex?
But you introduced me to your children.
I didn't want to.
They were the ones
that wanted to meet you.
Oh, God.
But you were laughing so
hard at all her weird jokes.
- Sex.
- The sex, Noah.
- Oh, no.
- Wait a minute.
But you said that you've
never been happier.
- Sex, Brenda.
- You know what?
Well, I hope you like
having sex by yourself.
Oh, God.
So your dad was just
trying to get some booty?
Man, that's messed up.
I would never do that to my mama.
I'm sorry. Who he?
Oh, this is my ex's son, Elias.
So you two are just full-on friends now?
- Absolutely.
- That's my dog.
Nicky, Noah, it sounds
like, if you had just known
that your father was having casual sex,
you could've avoided
this whole messy situation
and it wouldn't have
become a whole thing-thing.
What? I think the lesson
was that we shouldn't
interfere in our dad's business.
Right, but everyone knowing
could've made things easier.
No?
Why are you looking at Anthony and Fay?
Oh, are you talking about them
blowing each other's backs out?
Whoa! Wait a minute.
- You knew about that?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I told Nicky. I'm sorry.
Oh.
- It's cool. I told Sherm.
- And I told Elias.
Yeah. I'm happy for you guys.
- BOTH: Thanks.
- Wait, so me and Noah
are the only ones that
didn't know about this?
Oh, I knew. Nicky told me.
Oh, so it's just me?
- Wow.
- Yeah, man.
But did you hear that they had sex
at some guy named Wyatt's house?
That's me. I am Wyatt.
Oh, word?
Nice to meet you, man.
Well, everybody knows about
us now, so that's nice.
Yeah, it is nice.
But what exactly do they know?
I mean, what are we even doing here?
Uh
- Oh, well, I was
- Relax.
I'm just messing with you.
- [CHUCKLES]
- We're hooking up.
It's cool.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
Yeah, it's cool.
Yeah.
Do you want to say sorry
first, or you want me to?
- You say it first.
- Fine.
Noah, Nicky, what are you doing here?
Well, we just came by
to say that we're sorry.
But mostly Nicky, because she was
the ringleader in all of this. Ow.
It just freaks me out
to see you dating again.
I know, and that's why I
never looked to get serious
with anyone since your mother died.
I wouldn't want to be with someone else
if it meant upsetting you.
That's really sweet,
but it makes me feel kind of selfish?
Because it is kind of selfish.
- Come on.
- Ow.
Look, I don't want to keep you
from moving on you
deserve to be happy.
I want you to find somebody.
But until it's serious,
I'ma stay out your business.
Perfect, so let's continue
this conversation tomorrow, yeah?
Wait, Dad. Where are you going?
And why are you in such a hurry?
The reason is something "not serious."
- Oh, God.
- You guys got back together?
Brenda's in there.
It's your fault for
coming by unannounced.
It's 2:00 p.m.
When you coming back in, zaddy?
- [GROANS]
- Okay, we're out of here.
Don't thumbs-up him.
You know what? I used to
think Dad was more like me,
but turns out, he's much more like you.
I know, but never, ever
say that to me again ugh!
Yeah.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.
To getting through another week.
- Clang, clang.
- ALL: Clang
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wyatt, you don't cheers with water.
- I'm not drinking tonight.
- Stop. It's bad luck.
I don't subscribe to that.
It's not bad luck. I'll be fine, hmm?
- Clang, clang.
- ALL: Clang, clang.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
[COUGHING VIOLENTLY]
- Ugh.
- I'm fine.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Whoa!
- [GASPS]
- Oh!
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
Oh, I dropped my phone.
ALL: Ooh!
♪
Somebody get me a damn glass of wine.
Get him a wine. Get him a wine.
Whoop, whoop ♪
Cabernet and sauvignon ♪
Team is here and now it's on ♪
Carry on and Carignan,
sippin' on Perignon ♪
Fine wine, got notes like a cello ♪
Pull up in the spot like hello ♪
If you got me, then I got you ♪
This is the vibe, this is the crew ♪
Grand crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Grand crew, grand
crew, grand crew, uh ♪
Grand crew ♪
- Oh.
- [LAUGHS]
- Okay.
- Okay, Sherm.
I see the extra pep in that
step what's good, bro?
Thank you for noticing my
cry for attention, Noah.
So check this out.
I met a woman at the office today.
"The office"? You mean your car?
Yes, I'm a driver, therefore
my car is my office.
I get it. The windshield
is your cubicle,
desk is the dashboard,
engine is the boss.
- Thank you, Nicky.
- Mm-hmm.
So this woman at work
The customer that you were driving.
Semantics.
Anyway, this baddie in the
back seat starts chatting me up,
and you know I keeps it professional.
It's not good business to make moves.
But then as she's getting out,
she asked me for my personal number.
- Hey.
- Okay.
I hope that you submitted
the proper HR forms
to your glove compartment.
Man, what are you talking about?
Anyway, so she's a cool,
successful businesswoman,
and she's a mommy.
Whoa, that sounds like a lot.
I don't know if I could date a mommy.
So we're all just saying "mommy" now?
Anthony, I was once immature like you.
I thought it would be strange to
date a mommy with a little kid.
But Sally, she's
- a hot mommy.
- Mm.
You know, I think I could be open
- to dating a mommy.
- Okay.
- I'm going back to work.
- Bye.
I mean, we're all in our 30s now.
It's actually kind of weird
that none of us have kids.
Uh, speak for yourself.
- I have kids.
- Wyatt, for the last time,
your plants are not your children.
Oh, so the term "plant
dad" has no meaning to you?
- BOTH: No!
- Absolutely not!
Enough crazy talk, Wyatt.
Listen, Sherm, I would
be worried about that kid.
They are 100% going to hate you.
Please, Sherm love kids.
And the kids love Sherm.
Noah, back me up.
As the children of a single parent,
we would be so upset if our
dad started dating someone else.
- Right?
- Right.
Right, right, right, right,
right, right, right, right,
- right, right, right
- So many "rights."
- Something's wrong.
- Um
An "um" and an eye roll?
- What's going on?
- Okay, fine.
You know Dad and I
have been talking more,
and now that we're able to be
more vulnerable with each other,
I maybe encouraged him
to join a dating site.
What? Ugh! We had a pact
after Mom died no new moms!
That was in middle school.
We're different people now.
No! I'm the same person I was.
I don't want a new mom,
I love Blu Cantrell,
and I still have an AOL email address!
I don't want a new mom!
[JAZZY MUSIC]
So
Ojai was
fun.
Yeah, Ojai was very fun.
I didn't think we were gonna
Oh, same here. [CHUCKLES]
- Then I was like, "What?"
- And I was like, "Huh?"
- And then we were like
- BOTH: Hey.
[BOTH LAUGH]
So, um, we probably shouldn't
tell anybody about this.
- Oh, absolutely not.
- Yeah.
The second anybody finds out,
then it becomes a whole
- Whole thing-thing.
- Yes, exactly.
And while we're on the topic
of the thing-thing thing,
typically, when friends
start hooking up,
they try to convince themselves
that they can just be casual,
but eventually someone catches
feelings or gets jealous.
- Yep, exactly.
- Mm-hmm.
And then the thing-thing
becomes a thang.
- Yeah, and we don't want it to become a thang.
- No.
So no more hooking up, then.
All good.
- One and done.
- One and done.
- I like that.
- Hey.
- It was a pleasure.
- Ah, pleasure was all mine.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
[BOTH BREATHE DEEPLY]
How about two and through?
Yeah, two and through is great.
♪
- I had a great time tonight.
- Yeah, me too.
I'm sorry I did such
a long victory dance
after I whupped that ass at pool.
- You don't seem that sorry.
- You're right. I ain't.
You're lucky you're sexy.
Oh, ain't that the pottle
calling the kettle thick.
[GIGGLES]
♪
Wow, I can't believe that worked.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- It's all working.
I would invite you
in, but my son is home.
I know it's early in us getting to
know each other for you to meet him.
Oh, nah, that's cool.
I'll meet the little man.
- You sure?
- Yeah. Let's go.
[CHILL MUSIC]
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
Welcome home.
How was y'all's date?
- Who this?
- This is my son, Elias.
- Elias, this is Sherm.
- What's up, bro?
That's a grown-ass man.
♪
So Noah tells me that
you're on a dating site?
Oh, yes, he helped me set up a profile
on a dating website called HeartMatch.
Let me help.
You need a woman's point of view.
- A woman like my own daughter?
- Exactly.
[CHUCKLES] Let's dive in.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
There we go. We're in.
- This is my profile.
- Okay.
Well, let's first discuss
this profile picture.
I mean, all of these are really great,
but have you thought
about posting one picture
of you and Mom on your wedding day?
Wouldn't that make people
think I'm still married?
No, it would signal to
people that you're a widower.
Plus, women would like to see
what your dead wife looks like
so they could tell if
they're your type or not.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
And your bio okay.
It says that you're a-a business owner.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's too
intimidating for some women.
- I would just put "unemployed."
- Really?
Dating has changed
tremendously since I was young.
It truly has.
And when you get a message
Oh, you got a lot of messages already.
Yeah, apparently I'm
something called a "zaddy."
- Is that a bad thing?
- [SOFTLY] Oh, my God.
[NORMAL VOICE] No. That
is just a random word.
It's not good or bad,
but people use it like "buddy" or "pal."
[CHUCKLES] Wow.
You've been messaging a
woman named Brenda a lot.
Oh, yes, Brenda.
Um, we've been seeing
each other regularly.
- It's nice.
- So you got a girlfriend?
It's heading in that direction.
She's a very special woman.
That's great.
So it turns out Sally's son
was a lot older than I expected.
- How much older we talking?
- I was expecting Tahj Mowry.
He looked like Kyle Lowry.
- Damn.
- So he's a little bit older.
It doesn't seem like
that would be so bad.
Well, you're wrong as usual.
It's just weird. He's, like, our age.
- [PERSON SCREAMS ON TV]
- [GASPS]
[CREATURE ROARING]
So you went to Hamilton.
Do you know Jermaine Walker?
Yes.
[LAUGHING] Yo, Elias knows Jermaine?
Oh, I love that guy.
Tell Elias to tell
Jermaine I said what's up.
I will not be doing that.
Your problems are
nothing compared to mine.
Our dad's getting serious
with some trick named Brenda.
- Noah, did you know about her?
- No, but I think it's great.
Look, Dad's been single since Mom died.
- Brenda might be good for him.
- [SCOFFS]
You and Brenda are both tricks.
Nicky, you're obviously just upset
because you don't want
someone to replace Mom.
Yeah, I've never denied that.
I've been pretty vocal about it.
- She has.
- Very clear POV.
Look, we can disagree on no new moms,
but we can agree on no new Brendas.
I found her socials.
Look at this ho.
You found her Instagram?
Yeah, and I sent it to all of you.
You've never online stalked
someone using reverse image search
with a screengrab from Dad's computer?
[INCREDULOUS MUMBLING] Grow up, Noah.
Look at her captions.
Look at her captions.
"Live, laugh, lobster"?
"It's taco o'clock-O."
- "Carpe chocolate."
- Yikes.
Oh, yeah, that's a wrap on Brenda.
Well, I think it's healthy
that Dad is open to companionship again.
Nicky, if you're so worried,
then let's ask Dad to
meet her over dinner.
Ooh, dinner that is
the perfect opportunity
to stop this thing before
it gets more serious.
Or this could be an opportunity
for you to give her a
chance and get to know her.
Yeah. Nah, I'ma go for my reason.
I hate yours.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
Anthony, thank you so
much for rushing over.
Yeah, of course.
Is everything okay?
What was the emergency?
Kristen's auntie caught
the Holy Ghost at church
and fell down a flight of stairs.
- Damn. I hope she's okay.
- She'll be fine. God's got it.
The emergency is I have to
pick up Kristen from work,
then I have to go to San Diego,
but I need you to
take care of my plants.
Are you for real?
Why don't you just water them right now?
You think taking care of plants
is just putting water in a pot?
I bet you think that poinsettias need
bright, direct sunlight
well, they don't.
They need bright,
indirect sunlight, idiot.
- I can leave right now.
- No, no, no, no, no!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Get off me.
- I'm sorry. I need you.
I need you. I'm sorry. It's dad stuff.
- You wouldn't get it.
- I came as soon as I could.
- What's the emergency?
- It's his plants.
- Are you freakin' kidding me?
- I'm sorry.
It was last minute, and
I sent out a mass text.
But at least now you
two can split the tasks.
Tomorrow is watering
day, and here is a manual
of everything that you need to do.
It shouldn't take more than four hours.
BOTH: Four hours?
[SMOOTH MUSIC]
♪
Morning, Dad. [LAUGHS]
I'm just playing, man. [CHUCKLES]
- We're, like, the same age.
- Ah, how about that?
Hey, look, we don't
have to make this weird.
I'm just getting home myself.
I got it in last night, too.
You remember Jermaine's cousin, right?
Stop. I can't.
It's just I'm dating your
mom. Me and you, we ain't friends.
Okay?
Baka.
Baka? Really?
You throwing around anime words,
and you probably don't
even know the big three.
Like hell I don't.
[SCOFFS] "One Piece,"
"BLEACH," "Naruto."
Mm, "Naruto" is my jam.
Mine too, but Kabuto has
more of an interesting journey
throughout the series.
So you just one of them
dudes that has hot takes
- just to seem different.
- Well, yeah.
If that was really the case,
then you would know that Naruto
and Kabuto are both trash.
Kaguya is the real deal.
[CLICKS TONGUE] I respect that take.
And I respect the
respect you're showing me.
- Hmm.
- [GRUNTS ODDLY]
What you on for the rest of the day?
Chillin'. Why?
Trying to hang?
Just me and my friends
on this side, hey ♪
Just me and my friends on this side ♪
Just me and my best
friend walkin' down ♪
Been through a lot of things ♪
But I'm still focused ♪
Baby, I feel your emotion,
let's get it rollin' ♪
Been through a lot of things ♪
But I'm still focused ♪
Baby, I feel your emotion,
let's get it rollin' ♪
Just me and my friends on this side ♪
Go, best friend, go, go, best friend ♪
- Go, best friend ♪
- Go, best friend, go ♪
Go, best friend, go,
go, best friend, go ♪
Okay, remember, be nice, you know?
Try to be accepting of Brenda.
What are you talking about?
I never agreed to that.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
- Nicky, Noah, this is Brenda.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
Brenda, these are my
children, Nicky and Noah.
Oh, it is so nice to
finally meet you both.
It's so nice to meet you, too.
I love that jacket.
Well, thank you, Noah.
- I made it myself.
- [SOFTLY] It's ugly.
- Oh, excuse me?
- [NORMAL VOICE] Hmm?
Oh, I said, "Welcome
to my father's house."
- It's very nice to meet you.
- Oh, honey, put that away now.
Where I come from, we hug.
- Come on!
- Ooh, it's happening.
- Look at you.
- [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Mm. [GASPS]
- Come here.
- Come here.
- Aw.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- [SOFTLY] I hate her.
- Nice to meet you, sweetie.
Okay, now that we've cleaned the plants,
it's saying the last thing we need to do
is "play the plant voice
memo to enrich the space."
Alexa, play Wyatt's plant voice memo.
Y'all are some beautiful-ass plants,
all green and whatnot.
- I mean, damn, keep growing.
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Keep growing. Keep growing.
What is it gonna be like
if Wyatt and Kristen have actual kids?
- Intense. [LAUGHS]
- True, very true.
All right, well, we did it.
We got through this as two friends
who no longer have sex with each other.
I'm proud of us.
- Yeah.
- Two and through.
Two and through.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Why are you holding the dap?
I could ask you the same question.
Hey, so, um [CLICKS TONGUE]
How about three and free?
- Three and free?
- Mm-hmm.
- I like it.
- Alexa, dim the lights.
Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Hey.
I said, "Sir, I am sorry.
"You don't get to tell me when or where
I can do the Electric Slide."
[BOTH LAUGH]
She is one funny woman.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Every day I tell her,
"You should be on NPR."
[SOFTLY] Hmm, I can't
believe he's so into her.
[SOFTLY] I think it's sweet.
- You do?
- I do.
Ooh. I love this wine y'all brought.
- Mmm.
- [NORMAL VOICE] Oh, thank you.
That is Nicky's favorite wine, actually.
[NORMAL VOICE] It is. It is.
Yeah, it seems like you two
have something in common.
- Just one thing.
- Hey.
Y'all want to see this
little wine trick I learned?
- Sure.
- Check this out.
You pour some water in it
and the wine lasts longer.
- What would Jesus do?
- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh.
- Wow.
What a neat wine trick, right, Noah?
It definitely has more liquid.
- Uh-huh.
- So [CLEARS THROAT]
Maybe Brenda's onto something. [LAUGHS]
[SOFTLY] Fine, I hate her.
[SOFTLY] Ha. Told ya.
I can't believe how long
it took you to realize
- how terrible Brenda is.
- We just met her an hour ago.
Whatever. You were
wrong, and I was right.
Fine, okay? We can't
let this be Dad's future,
and it can't be our future either.
We got to get rid of her, but how?
Ooh, okay.
Tell Dad that she tried to [BLEEP] you.
- What?
- I don't know.
You haven't come up with an idea yet.
We just started
brainstorming, you dummy.
- What is it with you and time?
- Stop it. Shut up. I got it.
What does Dad have
absolutely zero tolerance for?
- BOTH: [DEEP VOICE] Reefer.
- I know.
But what are we supposed to
do plant weed on Brenda?
Yes, that's the plan,
and he's gonna break
up with her on the spot.
We just have to find some weed.
Oh, I have a ton of weed on me.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, snap.
So do I. I love California.
- Me too. Ah!
- [BOTH GIGGLING]
So, Sherm, how are things going
with Sally and her big son?
Oh, things with Sally are going good,
but things with Elias are going great.
He's the man.
That's quite the change of heart.
Yeah, a classic Sherm 180.
Who needs Tahj Mowry,
when you can hang out
with NBA legend Kyle Lowry?
- [CHUCKLES]
- I got to get out of here.
I'm meeting up with Elias' mom.
We gonna go watch
Elias spin at El Condor.
- Peace.
- Peace.
That was a quick hang.
Yeah, so, uh, I wanted to thank y'all
for watering my plants today.
- Oh, of course.
- No problem.
And I also wanted to let y'all know
that most houses nowadays
have security systems,
and they come with cameras.
- Cameras?
- Mm-hmm.
So
you saw us having sex?
Wait. What?
No, I saw y'all underwatering my
banana plants in the courtyard.
Y'all had sex in my house? Where?
That depends.
Which rooms in your house have cameras?
Rooms? Plural?
How many places did y'all
have sex in my house?
- Three.
- Four.
Hold up, are you
counting the dining room
and the kitchen as separate?
'Cause the open floor
plan's a little confusing.
- Oh, come on.
- Okay, we're sorry.
But if you could keep this between us,
that would be great.
Yeah, we're really trying to not
make this a whole thing-thing.
Okay, but if it's not a thing-thing,
then what is it?
BOTH: Um
Look, I know I'm not the best
person to give advice on this.
I'm just an old married
plant dad with 74 kids.
But keeping it a secret will only
make it more of a thing-thing.
Hey, you looking good.
- Ready to go?
- [CHUCKLES]
Uh, actually, that's what
I want to talk to you about.
Oh, okay. We should be quick, though,
because Elias' DJ set
starts in, like, 20.
Right, well, first of all,
I love how you and
my son have connected.
Oh, yeah, for sure. That's my guy.
Uh, which makes what I'm about
to say a little bit harder.
I just don't feel like we're a match.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm sorry, but I wanted
to be up front with you.
Oh, no, no, I I
appreciate your honesty.
Um, I just hope we can remain friends.
I don't typically do
that with men I date.
Oh, nah, I was talking
about me and Elias.
Mmm, mmm, Franklin,
baby, I know those cute little
toes of yours must be tired
because you put both of
your feet in this cake, too.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Don't make me laugh while
I'm eating my dessert.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY] What fun.
- Let me get your plate.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.
Oh, yeah. No worries.
- Oh, oh, no.
- Oh.
Nicky, you are so clumsy. [CHUCKLES]
- Let me help.
- Oh, I'll get it. Don't worry.
No, no, no. We insist.
[GIGGLES]
- [BAG RUSTLING]
- Wait a minute.
What is this?
Is this
BOTH: Reefer?
I've never seen it up close.
But, yeah, this looks like
the images I saw on my D.A.R.E. program.
Oh, that is reefer.
- Brenda, is this yours?
- What? No. That's not my weed.
You can't believe a word
that comes out of her
dope-smoking mouth, Dad.
I'm disgusted.
Franklin, look, I swear to God.
I don't know what they talking about.
That is not my weed. This is my weed.
- Uh, what?
- Yeah.
Prescription, extra-strength.
I'm sorry. I'm very confused.
If this isn't your reefer,
whose reefer is this?
I can't believe both my children
brought reefer into my home.
- Brenda did, too.
- Yeah.
- She has a prescription.
- Yeah, doctor's orders.
You know, you two smoking
reefer is one thing,
but why would you try and frame Brenda?
No reason.
Yeah, we're just shaking things up.
Fine. We just don't thing
Brenda's right for you at all.
Well, that's too bad, missy,
'cause that's my man and I'm his woman.
- Brenda, hold on.
- Baby, I'm sorry.
I'm just a little high right now.
I don't think Brenda's
right for me either.
- BOTH: What?
- Say what now?
Wait, you said that she was, like,
special and she was on her way
to becoming your girlfriend.
So, like, what?
Because I was too uncomfortable
to tell my daughter the
real reason I like Brenda.
Oh, God.
Wait. I don't I don't understand.
What what's the real reason?
Yeah, what's the real reason?
[SIGHS] Sex.
- BOTH: Oh, no.
- What? What?
Wait a minute. This has been about sex?
But you introduced me to your children.
I didn't want to.
They were the ones
that wanted to meet you.
Oh, God.
But you were laughing so
hard at all her weird jokes.
- Sex.
- The sex, Noah.
- Oh, no.
- Wait a minute.
But you said that you've
never been happier.
- Sex, Brenda.
- You know what?
Well, I hope you like
having sex by yourself.
Oh, God.
So your dad was just
trying to get some booty?
Man, that's messed up.
I would never do that to my mama.
I'm sorry. Who he?
Oh, this is my ex's son, Elias.
So you two are just full-on friends now?
- Absolutely.
- That's my dog.
Nicky, Noah, it sounds
like, if you had just known
that your father was having casual sex,
you could've avoided
this whole messy situation
and it wouldn't have
become a whole thing-thing.
What? I think the lesson
was that we shouldn't
interfere in our dad's business.
Right, but everyone knowing
could've made things easier.
No?
Why are you looking at Anthony and Fay?
Oh, are you talking about them
blowing each other's backs out?
Whoa! Wait a minute.
- You knew about that?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I told Nicky. I'm sorry.
Oh.
- It's cool. I told Sherm.
- And I told Elias.
Yeah. I'm happy for you guys.
- BOTH: Thanks.
- Wait, so me and Noah
are the only ones that
didn't know about this?
Oh, I knew. Nicky told me.
Oh, so it's just me?
- Wow.
- Yeah, man.
But did you hear that they had sex
at some guy named Wyatt's house?
That's me. I am Wyatt.
Oh, word?
Nice to meet you, man.
Well, everybody knows about
us now, so that's nice.
Yeah, it is nice.
But what exactly do they know?
I mean, what are we even doing here?
Uh
- Oh, well, I was
- Relax.
I'm just messing with you.
- [CHUCKLES]
- We're hooking up.
It's cool.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
Yeah, it's cool.
Yeah.
Do you want to say sorry
first, or you want me to?
- You say it first.
- Fine.
Noah, Nicky, what are you doing here?
Well, we just came by
to say that we're sorry.
But mostly Nicky, because she was
the ringleader in all of this. Ow.
It just freaks me out
to see you dating again.
I know, and that's why I
never looked to get serious
with anyone since your mother died.
I wouldn't want to be with someone else
if it meant upsetting you.
That's really sweet,
but it makes me feel kind of selfish?
Because it is kind of selfish.
- Come on.
- Ow.
Look, I don't want to keep you
from moving on you
deserve to be happy.
I want you to find somebody.
But until it's serious,
I'ma stay out your business.
Perfect, so let's continue
this conversation tomorrow, yeah?
Wait, Dad. Where are you going?
And why are you in such a hurry?
The reason is something "not serious."
- Oh, God.
- You guys got back together?
Brenda's in there.
It's your fault for
coming by unannounced.
It's 2:00 p.m.
When you coming back in, zaddy?
- [GROANS]
- Okay, we're out of here.
Don't thumbs-up him.
You know what? I used to
think Dad was more like me,
but turns out, he's much more like you.
I know, but never, ever
say that to me again ugh!
Yeah.
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.